Disclaimer: NCIS is not mine.
A/N I hate myself for this chapter, I really do. I put Ziva through the wringer so much in this one and put a lot of effort into it, so I hope it did it justice and wasn't for nothing. This is the longest chapter I have written, so I applaud you if you make it to the end. Thanks to my beta, Kandon Kuuson, for patiently betaing 3000 odd words. So, thanks, Jems, you don't know how much I appreciate it.
Oh, I'll be on holidays till the 22nd of December and have no access to a computer so I hope this will be enough to keep you going until then.
"The only truly dead are those who have been forgotten." Jewish Proverb
Chapter Fifteen: Never Truly Dead
Present Time – Reflection
"What does showing … that achieve?" Ziva muttered as the screen grew dark, shooting glares at her fellow Reflection companions.
"It shows that we're not a completely messed-down family," Tali replied, but looked thoughtful and crinkled her eyes. "Messed-down?"
"Messed-up, I think," Roy corrected, grinning at the fact that both Tali and Ziva made the same mistakes with their idioms.
"Yes, that, messed-up," Tali nodded. "And we don't belong on … on that show, you know, the one where families yell at each other …"
"Jerry Springer?" Kate offered.
"Yes, Jerry Springer," Tali smiled at Kate. "We're okay."
Ziva's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Okay!?! I think we are far from okay, Tal. Haven't you noticed what has happened since you … died? Or are you still living in your little fantasy world when you were sixteen, I still lived in Israel and Ari wasn't a betraying …" Ziva didn't finish.
Tali looked hurt and cast her eyes to the floor, but said strongly, '"It wasn't my fault that some nut decided to blow himself up at the café. So, sor-ry, if I'm still just that sixteen-year-old kid whose family hasn't broken apart. I don't know anything else."
"Oh yeah, than what was that you said before?" Ziva countered. "That you have been keeping an eye on me. So you should know what has happened in the past seven years. You should know that Ari betrayed us, that father doesn't careless about his remaining child –"
"Daddy does care about you," Tali cut in sharply.
"And what would you know?" Ziva retorted. "Wake-up, Tali, we're not kids anymore."
"I know that," Tali snapped. "I'm dead, Ari's dead and you're running around America with NCIS and DiNozzo. Of course I know all that, I've been with you the whole time."
"With me?" Ziva exploded; Tali's jab at her about Tony had struck a cord. "How can you be with me? You're dead!"
"Remember when that drug dealer died in your custody?" Tali replied. "Or the time when you found that head, were trapped in that box or undercover."
"So," Ziva continued to yell. "Where we you when I was being chased by Mossad, the FBI and NCIS. Or when Gibbs was blown up or even when Ari Shot Kate?" Ziva pointed at Kate as she finished.
"I am … we are … not a guardian angels, Zee," Tali said determinately. "We can't just go around saving people's lives."
"Than what are you?" Ziva countered.
"As I said before, part of you," Tali replied. "We all represent part of you."
Ziva rolled her eyes. "You expect me to believe that? You, sure, you're my sister. Roy, okay, I see it kinda, but Kate. What has Kate got to do with me?"
Tali sighed. "It really isn't the time for explanations, it's complicated."
"Complicated!" Ziva muttered. "What is everyone's obsession with the word complicated?"
'First Tony and now Tali,' Ziva thought to herself. She mentally punched Tony in the gut.
"How can it be complicated?" Ziva raised her voice. "You're dead, Kate's dead, Roy's dead, I'm … I'm actually not sure what I am, but that about covers it. That's not complicated, that's … that's me going crazy."
Ziva sighed and sank onto the couch. "I am so going crazy."
"You're not going crazy, Zee," Tali laughed.
"Then why does it feel like I am?" Ziva muttered.
Tali smiled again. "You're not crazy."
"Feels like it," she muttered again. "So … so why am I here?"
"We have been through this before, Ziva," Tali sighed. "You have to let go."
"Let go?" Ziva questioned hotly. "Let go of what?"
"Everything," Tali answered cryptically. "We've done loyalty, control, Mossad and now its time for you to let go of the guilt you feel over me."
"Excuse me?"
Tali rubbed her forehead with her palm. "You feel guilty that I got killed and you couldn't save me."
"I … I ..."
"That's perfectly normal, Ziva," Roy added. "Survivor's guilt and all."
"Survivor's guilt? I …" Ziva was once again lost for words.
Tali looked at her sister sadly. "Look," she said and pointed to the screen.
Palms Café, Tel Aviv, Israel, June 2000
Sixteen-year-old Tali David scanned the lunchtime crowds. She was looking for her sister, who had just come back from a mission in Syria, and was meant to be meeting her for lunch. She was late, which was unlike her.
"Tali," she heard a voice yell and a familiar face greeted her with a smile. "Sorry I'm late. I got caught up with something at Mossad."
"Of course you did," Tali sighed dejectedly. Her sister never had much time for her now that she was with Mossad.
"Hey, I'm here, aren't I?" Ziva snapped a little as she pushed a strand of dark hair out of her face.
She noticed Tali's face and sighed. "I'm sorry, Tal. The mission was stressful, to say the least."
"I'm sorry," Tali said as she looked at her sister's face.
Ziva look weary, stressed and over-worked. She had bags under her eyes and looked like she'd done it rough.
"You okay?" Tali questioned sympathetically taking in her sister's features and placing a hand on her arm.
"Fine, Tali," Ziva replied and when Tali looked at her disbelievingly added, "Really, I am fine. You shouldn't be worrying about me."
"Can't help it," Tali muttered. "You and daddy and Ari are always doing such dangerous things. I don't wanna lose you, Zee."
Ziva looked at Tali's face and sighed. She looked so young and innocent. She shouldn't have to be worrying over the rest of her family.
"Hey, you'll never lose me," she said, pulling her little sister into a hug. "I'll always be here for you." She kissed her forehead.
"Yeah, I know that," Tali replied, snuggling into Ziva. "It's just …"
"Let's not talk about that, yes," Ziva suggested, pulling away from Tali. "Let's go inside and sit down. I'm starved."
Tali laughed and Ziva realised how much she'd missed her sister's infectious laugh for the past two months.
"Hey, what are you thinking?" Tali asked when she noticed Ziva was daydreaming.
"Oh, I thinking how nice it is to be home," Ziva responded, smiling at Tali.
Tali returned the smile. "Well, can you do that inside? Now that you mention it, I'm starved too."
Ziva smiled and put her arm around Tali's shoulder. "So, what have you been up to? Any boys I need to break the arms of …?"
"No, seriously, Zee, stop laughing," Tali berated with a laugh and hit her sister on the shoulder.
They were seated at a little table in the far corner. They had both ordered and were waiting for the waitress to bring their lunch.
"What, it's funny," Ziva said through laughs.
"Is not, he's such a … a," Tali was lost for words.
"Nerd," Ziva supplied.
"I guess," Tali said. "I mean he tries, but he's just so … eurgh."
"Oh, my poor little Tali," Ziva laughed, patting Tali on the hand. "Just tell him to mind his own business. Or, if that doesn't work, hit him where it hurts the most." She smiled suggestively.
"Zee-vah, not everything has to be violence," Tali stifled her grin.
"Who said anything about violence?" Ziva looked at her sister with an innocent face.
Tali rolled her eyes. "Doesn't work on me, sis."
"You said it, not me," Ziva laughed again.
"I can never win, can I?" Tali sighed, throwing her hands up in defeat.
"I'm Mossad trained, Tal, it's my job," Ziva pointed out.
"Yes, Mossad," Tali said dejectedly. "Let's not go there, please."
"Oo-kay," Ziva replied as she noticed how much the mention of Mossad upset Tali. "Tali …"
"Just don't, okay," she muttered in reply. "Let's not talk aboutMossad." Tali said Mossad with contempt.
Ziva sighed. "Tali …" she tried again.
"No. Don't, Ziva," Tali snapped, her normal easy-going persona dropping away. "I don't want to hear it."
"I had no choice," Ziva stated as if it was something that would reassure Tali.
"No choice," Tali shrieked, earning glances from other patrons. She lowered her voice sarcasm coming through, "There are always choices, Zee-vah. What about, oh I don't know, being a doctor?"
"Things changed," Ziva shot back.
"Changed?" Tali said angrily. "I remember when you would spend hours on the phone talking to Ari about medicine, med school, becoming a doctor …"
"That is all in the past, Tali," Ziva sighed. "I am no longer that person …"
"I'll say," Tali muttered under her breathe, but didn't go unnoticed by Ziva.
"What is your problem?" she snapped, sounding harsher than she meant to.
"My problem!?!" Tali retorted, patrons now stared at them. Both Ziva and Tali took no notice. "My problem is that you and daddy and Ari are always away on missions. What about me? I'm stuck at home with Hanna and all the other hired help. By myself! And I get to sit there and worry whether you're gonna come back from your next mission or not!"
"Tali …" Ziva started warningly.
"Don't Tali me, Ziva," Tali snapped in response. "You're not my mother."
A look of hurt flashed across Ziva's face, before being masked with a look of indifference. Ziva had become something of a substitute mother to Tali since their mother had died in childbirth.
"I have been the closet thing you have had to a mother since mother died," she hissed in a dangerously low voice. "If it wasn't for you, mother would have survived." As soon as the words had left her mouth, she regretted them.
A look of something that Ziva hadn't seen before in her life flashed across Tali's face, a slap in the face wouldn't have been more potent. In fact, she would have preferred a slap in the face rather than the look on Tali's face. Looking in Tali's eyes, Ziva could see that very moment in time, Tali hated her sister.
"Oh, my, Tali …" Ziva said in voice she'd never used before. She reached out for Tali's hand, but Tali jerked away so quickly that Ziva just stared at the place where Tali's hand had been just a moment ago.
"Don't. Touch. Me," she hissed, looking at her sister as if she didn't know her. Tali got up abruptly, nearly sending her chair flying backwards as she did. Patrons who had gone back to their lunch looked up in surprise.
Ziva opened her mouth to say something, but the shrill sound of her cell phone cut her off. Ziva looked down at the caller ID and cursed.Mossad.
"I, err, have to take this," Ziva whispered apologetically. "Its, ah, work …" she trailed off helplessly.
Tali glared at Ziva and said, her voice full of contempt, "Of course it is. It always is."
"I could, you know …" Ziva tried, as the cell continued to ring.
"No, just … just take it," Tali snapped angrily. "I don't particularly want to be around you at the moment." Tali turned away from Ziva.
Ziva shot Tali a pained look before picking up the offending object and storming outside.
"Fine," Ziva snapped down the phone as she stood outside Palms Café. "If that is what you wish."
Ziva sighed as she snapped closed the cell. She'd just gotten back from Syria and already Mossad wanted to ship her off on some covert mission in Cairo. And she had Tali to worry about.
"Damn it!" she all but yelled in frustration, kicking the nearby rubbish bin as she did so. "Eurgh …"
She ran her hand through her hair. "Sometimes I hate this job," she muttered.
Sighing again, Ziva turned back to the café, determined to make things right with Tali. She turned to open the door, but realised her cell had clattered to the ground near the rubbish bin.
Making her way over to it, she bent down to pick it up. As she did, an explosive force slammed her into the ground, her head banging itself on the rubbish bin.
Blinking away the black dots, she instinctively covered her head with her arms as she felt debris rain down upon her. She could feel little pieces of glass land upon her skin and groaned in pain as a heavy force crushed her arm. The black dots appeared again as she struggled to stay conscious. The only sound she could hear was the buzzing in her ears. Her arm felt like it was on fire and her head started to throb as if someone was poking needles into it.
The distinct smell of burning finally reached her nose, and smoked formed a cloud around her head. She coughed weakly, and felt dizzy and light-headed.
Groaning again, she kicked her legs, hoping that she wasn't trapped by debris. As she fought to stay conscious, she pushed against the weight on her arm. It didn't budge. As she tried again, her hearing slowly returned to normal and she heard the pained screams of the people around her. It sounds so very much like a war zone. It felt like one too.
"Ma'am, are you okay?" a voice said from above.
Ziva blinked and tried to focus on the man standing above her.
"My arm," she said weakly, blinking away the black spots that threaten to consume her, "it's stuck."
"Okay, it's okay," the man soothed as he looked at the piece of building that was crushing Ziva's arm. "Let's get that off you, okay?"
Ziva tried to answer, but no words came, so she settled with nodding instead.
"Okay, it's okay," the man repeated in the same soothing tone as she reached down and grasped the build piece. "I'll just remove it nice and slow. It's okay."
Ziva sighed with relief as the weight on her arm was finally lifted. She instinctively pulled it close, wincing as a sharp pain rocketed up her arm. She didn't need to be a doctor to know it was broken.
"My … my sister," she croaked, the smoke affecting her speech.
"Your sister?" the man questioned, assessing her for other injuries.
"In … in the ... café," Ziva muttered.
"She's in the café?" The man seemed horrified. "Do you know what happened?"
Ziva nodded and licked her lips. "Bomb …"
"Yes, a bomb," he said sadly.
"No …" Ziva breathed, a strange numbness settled on her. "Tali …"
"Your sister?" the man repeated and Ziva nodded.
"I must," she tried, but found herself coughing from the smoke. "I have to find her."
"You're in no condition to do anything of the sort," the man reprimanded firmly, for the first time she noted his Army uniform.
"No," Ziva repeated and struggled to sit up. Black dots appeared in her eyes, but she blinked them back angrily.
"Ma'am," the soldier said, trying to push her back down.
Instead, Ziva grabbed onto his arm and used it to stand herself upright. More black dots appeared and she swayed the spot. The man reached out and grabbed her by the waist.
"I must insist …" the soldier tried again, but Ziva, who had found some strength, pushed him away and staggered over to the burning building before he could stop her.
Coughing, she shook her head to rid it of the offending black dots and looked into what had once been the door of the café. She crinkled her nose as the unmistakable smell of burning flesh reached her nose, being close to the heart of the disaster made it so much worse.
Scanning wildly, Ziva saw that the walls of the café had been blackened, making the whole situation look even more like a nightmare. She noticed the few tables that weren't incinerated in the initial blast were on fire. The flames danced along the tabletops, making the scene look like Hell.
She had been in these kinds of situations before, but the sight of a body still burning only two metres away was enough to make her stomach churn. The other bodies, some burnt beyond recognition and some still withering in pain, littered the floor.
Ziva forced down the bile that was rising in her throat and concentrated on looking for Tali. Stepping clumsily through what had once been the door, she scanned her eyes around the room, looking for her sister.
She coughed as a cloud of smoke entered her mouth and stubbornly shook away the black dots that threatened to consume her. She looked around the room, her eyes resting on the area where she and Tali had been sitting.
Ziva staggered in that direction, her arm hanging limply at her side. The smell was worse and she could hear the weak cries of patrons who had unfortunately survived the blast and were now in immense pain.
Blocking them out, she was startled as a hand wrapped around her leg. She gasped, inappropriately thinking about a horror movie she and Ari watched a few years ago. She shook her head and looked down.
A balding elderly man was lying at her feet in an awkward angle. Miraculously, it looked like he'd only received minor burns.
"Help … me," he pleaded weakly, sounding young and pathetic. "Please …"
"I …" Ziva looked around the room and then back down elderly man.
"Please, I cannot … cannot walk," he breathed. "My ankle, I think … broken."
"I …" Ziva was at a loss. On one hand she didn't want to leave the café for a second since Tali was still in it. On the other hand, here was a survivor pleading for her help.
"I …" She shook her head. She couldn't leave this man here to just … die. Tali would hate her if she did.
"Okay, okay," she croaked, trying to sooth the man. "I'll help, I'll help."
She leant over, wincing as she did so. Ignoring the pain, she managed to use her unbroken arm to get the man to his feet.
"Put you arm around me," she muttered, steading him as he swayed.
When she felt his arm around her shoulder, she took off towards the door. She stepped over a body and passed a burning table before reached the incinerated door.
Staggering under the weight of the man, Ziva stepped outside and immediately dropped to the ground.
"Ma'am," the same soldier said as he hurried over to her.
"Take … him." Ziva all but shoved the elderly man into his arms before unsteadily getting to her feet and turning towards the building.
"Ma'am," he called as she staggered back towards the building. Ziva ignored him and continued towards the building.
As she entered, the smell and the smoke didn't irritate her senses so much. She headed back to the place where she had rescued the elderly man. Passing it, she continued to look wildly around the café, searching for signs of Tali.
She reached the spot that she was certain used to be the table she and Tali were sitting at only moments before. As she peered over the twisted remains of the table, the sight beyond it took her breath away.
She stared at the sight, unable to move. Although almost charred beyond recognition, one small patch around her eye remained untouched. In an instant, she knew. Tali's eye. It stared back at her, opened wide with fear, in an image that would haunt Ziva for the rest of her life.
Ziva choked back a sob. That could not be her little sister lying there. Resiting the urge to vomit, she stepped around the table. Her knees finally gave way as she knelt down on the floor, not caring that the metal underneath her burnt through her pants and left its mark on her calf.
"Tali …" she breathed, reaching over to the body of her sister. "Tali …" It was if though she thought saying her name would be enough to bring her back from the dead.
She reached for her sister's body, bringing it close to her own. She was horrified as Tali's left hand snapped off and fell into her lap. Her eyes started to roll back in her head as the black dots danced in front of her eyes. She shook her head fiercely, unaware of the tears that had started to fall.
Absentmindedly, Ziva reached out and ran her hand over Tali's hair, as she had done so often after her sister had woken from a nightmare. But this wasn't her nightmare, this was Ziva's.
"Tali …" she whimpered again as more tears splashed on the charred body. She pulled it closer to her, not caring about the debris that was staining her clothes.
She looked down at what had once been her lively sister and the lone eye stared back at her, burning itself into her mind.
"Tali … Tali … Tali," she muttered over and over again, her sobs mixing in with her words as she rocked back and forth.
A silver glint caught her eye so Ziva lent over, brushed the debris aside and picked up the chain. Hanging off it was a silver Star of David. It was perfectly untouched and Ziva recognised it as the one her sister constantly wore.
Gripping onto the necklace as if it were a lifeline, Ziva heaved herself and Tali up into a standing position.
Blindly taking a step forward, Ziva managed to make her way over to the non-existent door, carrying both Tali and the Star of David.
She stepped out into the sunlight and once again collapsed to the ground.
"Oh, my," it was the same soldier again and he sounded horrified. Ziva ignored him and the rest of the chaos that reigned around her.
She held onto the body of her little sister as if her life depended on it. Ziva made no effort to move, breathing heavily and unable to fight away the forming black dots. Tears dripped down her face, but she didn't notice. As she finally slumped forwards, she heard the familiar voice of her older brother call out.
"Ziva!" she heard him yell desperately. "Ziva! Tali!"
Ziva could hear footsteps getting closer as the darkness threatened to take hold of her. She heard a sharp intake of breathe and heard a tone of voice she had never heard Ari use.
"Tali!" came the strangled cry. It was a mixture of shock, horror, fear, pain and disbelief. It was a voice that shook Ziva to the core and one that she hoped she'd never, ever hear again.
"Tali! No …" it was the same tone and it tipped her over the edge.
As she finally let the darkness consume her, she felt Ari kneel down next to her and take Tali's body in his arms. Her last thoughts before she gratefully passed out were:
'I'm sorry, Tali. I am so sorry.'