43 Intermission: "And the Winner Is…"
Three Original Characters Are Put To The Test.
We return to the discussion table, around which is seated Jiraiya, Taiki, Naeko, and Kotori.
Jiraiya. (to the camera) All right, we all know that one of the first things that will turn off a true fanfiction purist is the dreaded handle of "AU," or Alternate Universe. If they can stomach that, another thing that will make them twitch is a glut of Original Characters, most of which have little to no impact on the storyline and overshadow canon characters. However, there is nothing more likely to make a potential reader run for the hills than the scourge of fanfiction, Mary Sue. Mary Sue is usually perfect, beautiful, and skilled at everything she does, and manages to win the hearts of many if not all of the canon personalities. She doesn't have to be blonde, but her hair is flawless and often described in great detail. In her many forms she could be a genius, a prodigy, the last master of a secret art, a forgotten heiress, or a dunce with the IQ and usefulness of a tofu block, but in the eyes of the universe she is inflicted upon – and often in those of her creator as well – she can do no wrong.
Taiki. Sounds like my type of lady!
Kotori. (muttering) You'd say that, wouldn't you.
Naeko. Please don't tell me this only applies to girls…
Jiraiya. Of course not. As a matter of fact, I was just getting to that – Mary Sue is the name applied to the female side of the archetype. Many of the same traits can be found in male Original Characters as well, and their owners are commonly referred to as Gary or Marty Stu. (looks at the other three) So, who out of this group do you think most fits the bill?
(Silence. Naeko appears to be in deep thought, then stops and turns bright red when she realizes that Taiki and Kotori are both staring at her.)
Naeko. What? I don't know why you're looking at me – I'm not that bad, am I?
Jiraiya. And therein lies the question! For our answers we now turn to an oh-so-subjective, authoritative meter of all things character-related, the Mary Sue Litmus Test. You may or may not be shocked at what we find today.
For purposes of brevity, an excerpt of the proceedings is provided.
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"Is the character a teenager or in her/his early twenties?"
Taiki. Um, last time I checked…
Kotori. That's a score of one so far.
Naeko. I've got a bad feeling about this…
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"Is the character beautiful or roguishly handsome?"
"Does one or more of the regulars find the character highly attractive?"
"Do other regulars see him/her as a threat because of this?"
Taiki. Yes to all of the above. I've got great hair too, so that's another point – five total.
Naeko. So far, so good for me. If this is all, I've got nothing to worry about.
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"Is the character the long-lost child/descendant/sibling of a regular or recurring character?"
Naeko. Thank god, no.
Taiki. Um…
Kotori. Next question.
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"Was the character adopted or did he/she otherwise live with people who were not his/her parents as a child?"
Kotori. If by "people" you can substitute "evil bitch," sure.
Taiki. Adopted, and a good thing too. (shivers)
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"Does the character fall in love with and/or have sex with another recurring character from the show?"
Naeko. (blushing) I think all of us can answer "yes" to this.
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"Add points for each item… that is seen somewhere during your character's life."
Kotori. (thinking aloud) Let's see. That's a total of 9 points just for this one, and most can be blamed on that accursed Cat. Either that, or it's my family's preoccupation with people who are named after or possess animal-like characteristics.
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Jiraiya. All done? Okay, let's read off your scores, keeping in mind that lower is better when it comes to character originality.
Taiki. 16.
Jiraiya. Borderline, but not overboard. Good news, right? Okay, flake-girl…
Naeko. (looks hurt) I scored a 6. Not much of that darker stuff really applied to me.
Jiraiya. Should have guessed as much. Tori-chan? (Kotori is silent, glaring down at clenched fists) Come on, our resident beautiful badass couldn't have scored that badly. Your angst and suffering has to count for something.
Kotori. Damn right, it counted for something. Try 36.
Taiki. No way! There has to be a mistake, right…?
(Meanwhile, Naeko has burst into a fit of giggles that soon has her doubled over and pounding her hands on the table in the cruel throes of her amusement.)
Naeko. Heh… Tori-chan… I always knew you were something special…
Kotori. Stop that! It's not funny.
(The actions of the three examinees can still be seen and heard in the background even as the camera focuses in on our host.)
Jiraiya. So there we have it – Mary Sues don't have to be happy-go-lucky airheads with designer accessories and capped teeth. The more torment a character has gone through, odds are they'll fall into the mold, including our dear Kotori.
Kotori. I still don't believe this! There has to be something wrong with the test.
Naeko. (maliciously) I can believe it.
Taiki. My own Tori-chan, a Mary Sue – how is your family going to take this? Think of the children, the poor children.
Kotori. To hell with you all, I'm going back to the Mist Village!
(Kotori gets up and storms off, leaving Taiki and Naeko at the table with Jiraiya.)
Naeko. (tentatively) Does this mean we start a "teammate retrieval" plot arc now?
Taiki. Not until I make a run to the store. I'm almost out of shampoo and conditioner…
Jiraiya. And that brings us to the end of this segment. Be sure to tune in for our next special report as we explore the list of Most Overused Plot Clichés in Naruto Fanfiction!
Credit is heavily owed to Melissa Wilson's (Original) Mary Sue Litmus Test. And yes, Kotori really did test out that high. I honestly thought it would have been Naeko…