Cannonball Run 5: Overdrive

by BKelly95

Seven continents, fortytwo teams, two hundred and fifty million dollars in prize money, and one serious threat. This can only mean one thing: the Cannonball Run is back.

2. Meet the Teams

AN:I'd like to thank Anthony Bannon for the introduction for Team Rocket, the creation of Regis and Marcus, and the inspiration for Lone Wolf.
I'd also like to remind you that the cars from this fic come from Rockstar Games' "Midnight Club" and "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" games. In this chapter, the vehicles from Mad Max's intro come from the video game "Roadkill" and the vehicles from the Simpsons' intro come from their game "The Simpsons: Hit and Run". Also, the ice cream truck used by Scooby Doo's team is the Ice Cream Truck from the first "Midnight Club".

XXXXXXXXXX

With the announcement, Cannonballers the world over mobilized.

They made up their minds, and they started packing.
They left before the sun came up that day.
An exit to eternal summer slacking.
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

They drank up the wine, and they got to talking.
They now had more important things to say.
And when the car broke down, they started walking.
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Anyone can see the road that they walk on is paved in gold.
And it's always summer, they'll never get cold.
They'll never get hungry.
They'll never get old and grey.

You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere.
They won't make it home, but they really don't care.
They wanted the highway.
They're happier there today.
Today.

Their children woke up, and they couldn't find them.
They'd left before the sun came up that day.
They just drove off and left it all beind them.
(Leaving it all behind)
Where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Anyone can see the road that they walk on is paved in gold.
And it's always summer, they'll never get cold.
They'll never get hungry.
They'll never get old and grey.

You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere.
They won't make it home, but they really don't care.
They wanted the highway.
They're happier there today.
Today.

-"The Way" by Fastball

XXXXXXXXXX

In the desert...

"Well, after what happened the last two years, I don't blame Oprah for not wanting us back." said Daffy Duck. "Hopefully, Wile E. can get this old Merc ready in time."

"He said he's already got the parts." said Bugs Bunny as he drove the old '49 Mercury Coupe towards town. "It shouldn't take long."

It also didn't take long to find Wile E's garage. The inventive coyote was standing outside the door as Bugs pulled up. Above them, an electric sign reading "McCoy Oteri Garage" flashed on and off. Bugs pulled into the service bay which was filled with dozens of boxes marked "Acme".

Wile E. showed them the design sketches he had made for the car.

"Okay, he's spelled out what we have to do." said Bugs. "He's drawn up the engine diagram, the suspension design, the drivetrain design, and even the paint job he's dreamed up."

"What's this?" asked Daffy.

"Crusero Magnifico?" replied Bugs. "That's the name."

Wile E. pointed to the garage with his thumb.

"Apparently, we have to get started right away." said Daffy. "Let's get crackin'!"

The three started removing anything they were going to replace and started tearing apart the engine. Wile E. ripped open some of the Acme boxes and took out the parts inside them.

Outside, the "McCoy Oteri Garage" sign continued to flash on and off until some of the letters burned out leaving it reading "Coy Ote Garage".

A few days later, the Mercury rolled out of the garage. Aside from the performance modifications, the car had also been painted metallic purple and had gold graphics painted on the sides. Wile E. was driving while Bugs rode in the passenger seat. Daffy rested in the back.

"Well, that was fun." he said. "Now, for the really fun part. On to Boston!"

"Take it away, my coyote friend." said Bugs. Wile E. drove off down the road.

"Say, shouldn't we test this thing and see what it can do?" asked Daffy.

Just then, Wile E. Coyote's longtime adversary, the Road Runner, ran by and beeped.

"Uh oh." said Bugs as Wile E. threw the car into the next gear and took off after the Road Runner.

Wile E. stayed on the bird's tail (so to speak) for a mile or so before reaching the mountains. The Road Runner ran around a hairpin turn, but Wile E. was unable to maintain control. He spun out and slammed into the guardrail. Unfortunately, he didn't have his seatbelt on and was thrown from the car. He hung in mid-air for a second before he plummeted into the canyon.

Bugs and Daffy held up signs reading "8.0" and "9.5".

"I would've given him a ten, but he didn't keep his legs together." said Bugs.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Arlen, Texas, four men stood around a pickup truck staring into the engine bay.

"Yup." said Hank Hill.

"Yup." said Dale Gribble.

"Yup." said Bill Dauterive.

"Yup." said Boomhauer.

"Well, guys." said Hank. "This here is the finest piece of performance machinery to ever come out of Arlen. The Jones J450, a sports pickup like no other. And we've got it."

"It looks so nice." gushed Bill. "I wish I could use this on a daily basis."

"So, Hank." said Dale. "Why don't you tell us what kind of parts you used in this rig?"

"Why don't you ask Boomhauer?" asked Hank. "He's the one who did the mod work."

"I tell you, man." said Boomhauer rapidly. "That there air intake and that ding dang EFI took about a dang ol' week o' wrenchin', you know, crank crank crank crank. Lookin' dang ol' mean, man."

"Uh, yeah." said Dale. "What he said."

"So, I guess we're all ready to go." said Bill.

"Not just yet." said Hank. "There's still one more team member to introduce."

"Hey, dad!" called Hank's son, Bobby. "Are we going yet?"

"Wouldn't leave without you, Bobby." said Hank. "Come on, guys. Let's go."

The four men and chubby, little boy squeezed into the truck's cab, but discovered there wasn't room.

"Come on, man." said Boomhauer. "Que pasa!"

"I say we strap Bill to the hood!" said Dale.

"Dang it, guys!" said Hank. "Someone has to sit in back!"

XXXXXXXXXX

"So." began Giovanni as he surveyed the three agents sitting in front of him. "Once again, it is time for the Cannonball Run to start."

Jessie, James and Meowth looked happy. Giovanni sighed.

"And once again, I have to enter you three in the race! Why I keep doing this is beyond me. In fact why I even keep you three on the team after all your screw-ups is beyond me!"

Giovanni stroked his Persian. He was determined not to lose his temper this time, as it rarely helped the situation.

"Well, boss, last's year's winning team DID give us those driving lessons they promised." Jessie said.

"And that's why I'm worried, considering I met last year's winners!" Giovanni said.

"Oh, boss, it's been a year now. You're not still sore about that are you?" James said.

"How can I be anything BUT sore! I got a keg of beer poured over me! They ruined a perfectly good suit!" Giovanni snapped.

"Well, boss, we've been practicing with the Pirahna PDQ for the past couple of weeks. We can handle it no problem!" Meowth assured him.

"You'd better be able to, because this is your absolute last chance! No more failure will be tolerated this time!" Giovanni warned. "And to make sure of that, I'm sending two more agents with you. With any luck, they will bring Team Rocket victory!"

"Which two agents?" James asked nervously.

Jessie was mumbling into her hands. "Please not Butch and Cassidy. Please not Butch and Cassidy."

"No, it isn't Butch and Cassidy." Giovanni said. "It's two other top agents: Annie and Oakley."

"We thought they were in jail, after that business in Alto Mare." Meowth said.

"They were given two years, and they've served two years, so they're out. They're waiting outside with the car. Go now! And don't fail, or I suggest you get used to saying the phrase 'do you want fries with that'. Understand?"

"YES, SIR!" the three Rockets said as they saluted.

Outside TR HQ, a red and black Ford Focus FR200 was parked. Sitting in the car, filing their nails were Annie and Oakley.

"It's so good to be on the outside again." Annie said.

"Yeah, and this race is going to be great! As long as those three losers don't screw it up!" Oakley grumbled as she saw Jessie, James and Meowth approaching.

"Alright, so let's go." Jessie said as she went to open the front door.

"Uh, excuse me. What are you doing?" Annie asked.

"I'm driving!" Jessie replied.

"Like hell you are, sister!" Oakley said. "We're the senior agents here, so we're driving."

"You're lucky you're still in the team after getting sent up the river!" James retorted.

"I'm driving so move your ass out of the front seat, now!" Jessie yelled.

Annie opened the front door and got right in Jessie's face.

"How'd you like it if I messed your face up, red!" she said.

Meowth bared his claws. "Youse want trouble, youse got it!"

"HEY!" a voice yelled.

They all turned to see Giovanni standing at the HQ entrance, with a megaphone.

"Why are you still here?" he bellowed.

"Well, boss.." Oakley began.

"Get going, NOW!" Giovanni yelled.

Jessie, James and Meowth hurriedly got into the Pirahna PDQ and Annie floored the accelerator.

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere else, two scientists ran out of a laboratory for dear life.

"The Nemesis is going nuts!" yelled one.

"I don't get it." said the other. "He was okay so far, then suddenly."

Nemesis ripped out of the lab and started towards the scientists, roaring all the while.

Just then, a green '68 Firebird roared up and wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin jumped out.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

"It's the Nemesis!" yelled one of the scientists.

"I got it." said Stone Cold. He walked over to Nemesis and said "Hey, what's wrong, bud? Were you lonesome?"

Nemesis shook his head and grunted.

"Were they not treating you right?" asked Stone Cold.

Nemesis shook his head again and grunted.

"Is it because you're afraid of missing the Cannonball?" asked Stone Cold.

Nemesis roared.

"Alright, come on." said Stone Cold as he walked back to the Firebird.

"Where are you going?" asked the scientist.

"We're just going for a little drive." said Stone Cold as he put the car in gear and raced off. "So what do you think of the PT Phoenix?" he asked.

Nemesis flashed a thumbs up.

"I knew you'd like it." said Stone Cold.

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere else...

"Welcome to my lab." said Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. "Beaker and I have been working non-stop on your vehicle to be used in the Cannonball."

"Thank you, Doctor." said Kermit the Frog as he entered the lab with his teammates Fozzie Bear, Gonzo the Great, and Animal. "If we have a good vehicle, we can probably win."

"I hope so." said Fozzie. "Animal's really looking forward to the race."

"CANNONBALL! CANNONBALL!" yelled Animal.

"The car is in here." said Honeydew. He led them into the other room which had a purple Mini Cooper on the table. "Kermit, I'd like to introduce you to the Modicum XSV."

"That's great, Bunsen, but how do we get it off the table?" asked Kermit.

"Oh, I didn't think of that." said Honeydew. "Beaker, any ideas?"

"Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi." said Beaker.

"I suggest we all get together and lift it off." said Fozzie.

"Are you crazy?" asked Kermit. "It must weight a ton!"

"I didn't say it was a good suggestion." said Fozzie

"Leave it to me!" said Gonzo. "Everybody in the car!"

"What's he going to do?" asked Fozzie.

"I don't know." said Kermit. "However, I'm too afraid to ask."

The Muppets all climbed into the car except for Bunsen and Beaker. Gonzo was driving.

"Okay, everybody!" called Gonzo. "Here we go!"

Gonzo started the car and raced off the table. The car then smashed through the doors and bounced down the stairs, Gonzo cheering all the way. The car then tore through the front doors to the lab and down the street.

"BYE BYE!" called Animal.

XXXXXXXXXX

At a Cannonball registry, Richard Parker walked back to the sedan he and Larry Wilson had entered.

"What's up?" asked Larry.

"They wouldn't let us enter." said Richard. "Apparently, the Ascent 470ds is in Bernie's name. He has to be present if we want to enter the car."

"Don't they know Bernie is dead?" asked Larry.

"Doesn't look like it." said Richard. "I guess we've got no choice."

"Oh crap." moaned Larry.

"Yup." said Richard.

The two opened the trunk of the car and revealed the corpse of their former boss, Bernie Lomax. He was still wearing the outfit he was wearing when he was murdered and his mouth was twisted in a perpetual smirk. Larry and Richard unfolded a wheelchair and dropped Bernie into it, then wheeled him into the registry.

"Oh, it's you again." said the official when she saw Richard and Larry. "If you can't prove...Oh, Mr. Lomax!"

"Uh, we brought Mr. Lomax to prove our partnership." said Larry.

"He's been up all night." said Richard. "He's dead tired."

Larry scowled at Richard's pun.

"Oh, certainly." said the official. "Here's your entry form. Please, you may use my pen."

After getting registered, the two walked out of the registry with Bernie in the wheelchair.

"Okay, we're all registered for the Cannonball." said Richard as he pushed the wheelchair.

"But we have to have Bernie present all during the race." said Larry.

"No problem." said Richard. "We'll just run the air conditioner the whole time. We'll be..."

Just then, Richard accidentally pushed the wheelchair down the stairs. He was so wrapped up talking to Larry that he didn't notice he was heading for them instead of the wheelchair ramp. Bernie and the chair tumbled all the way to the bottom.

A man ran over to Bernie and said "Yo, buddy. Y'okay?"

XXXXXXXXXX

In an American town, brother video game designers Hsu and Chan Tanaka were walking down a street.

"Tell me again why we're taking this walk?" asked Chan.

"If you must know," said Hsu "the holiday season is far enough away for us to start designing and making our main offering. We are out looking for inspiration."

"Hey, Hsu." said Chan. "What are all those people gathered around?"

Hsu looked at the crowd of people that had gathered and said "I don't know. Let's take a look."

The Tanakas walked over and took a look at what the people had gathered around.

"Dude, the Cannonball rules."

"Sheya, I'm betting Captain Chaos will pull it off again."

"Where do you think they're going this year? I'm hoping for Asia, then Australia, then Africa."

"The Cannonball?" cried Hsu and Chan in unison.

"I can't believe these people are going gaga over a race." said Chan.

"Yes, Chan." said Hsu. "You know what that means."

"We must find a way to capitalize on this!" they said in unison.

"Quick, back to the studio!" said Hsu. "We need to make plans! Maybe we can reuse one of the cars we tested for 'Bad Mileage 2000'."

"Hsu, look out!" yelled Chan as a slate grey Mitsubishi Eclipse raced down the street and stopped just short of hitting Hsu. The driver, a red-clad ninja, climbed out.

"Terribly sorry about that." said the ninja. "Wait, it's you two! Surely, you recognize the visage of..."

"Sushi X!" cried Hsu and Chan, once again, in unison.

"Yes, I remember your help with those robots." said Sushi X. "Might I ask what you're working on right now?"

"Right now, we can't talk." said Hsu.

"That's right." said Chan. "Right now, we have to make plans for the Cannonball Run."

"The Cannonball Run, you say?" asked Sushi X. "Have you a car yet?"

"Uh, we were in the process of getting one." said Chan.

"No, we do not." said Hsu.

"Well, you're free to use mine." said Sushi X. "I'll come along to make sure you win."

"You will?" asked Hsu.

"Thank you." said Chan as they climbed into the car.

"What do you call this thing?" asked Hsu.

"It's called the Amata Crescendo." said Sushi X. "Be careful. It has kind of a kick."

Hsu wrapped his metal claw of a right hand around the gear shift and threw it into first. Within seconds, they were off.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Los Angeles...

"Good morning, Angels." said Charlie by way of his speaker box.

"Good morning, Charlie." said the Angels, Dylan Sanders, Natalie Cook, and Alex Munday.

"As you are no doubt aware, the Cannonball is back." said Charlie. "As usual, I'd like you three to enter."

"No problem, Charlie." said Dylan. "You know we can do it."

"Is Austin going to be working with us again?" asked Natalie.

"I'm afraid not, Natalie." said Charlie. "Austin is on assignment somewhere. Luckily, I was able to find a couple of replacements."

"When will they get here?" asked Alex.

"They should be here about now." said Charlie.

Just then, two men walked into the room. One had long, dark hair, a black t-shirt, jeans with torn knees, and a baseball cap that said "Wayne's World" on it. The other had long, blonde hair, glasses, a white t-shirt, an open flannel shirt, and also jeans with torn knees.

"Whoa!" said the dark-haired one. "Charlie said his girls were pretty, but...whoa!"

"Yeah!" said the blone. "We're talkin' a major babe-fest!"

"I guess our race is called the Cannon-Babe Run."

"I think we need a sign for the window that says 'Babes on board'."

Then, they both said "Schwing!"

"Who are you guys?" asked Natalie.

"Oh, sorry." said the dark-haired guy. "My name is Wayne Campbell, the host of the public-access show 'Wayne's World'. And this, of course, is my lovely co-host Garth Algar."

"Yeah, I'm his lovely co-host." said Garth. "Hey, wait a minute..."

"Charlie, are these the best you could come up with?" asked Dylan.

"I'm afraid so, Dylan." said Charlie. "I caught their show when I went to Chicago last month and they let me come on the show. When I mentioned the Cannonball, they insisted I let them come."

"Does this mean we're going to be traveling around the world with you girls?" asked Garth.

"It does." said Natalie.

"Excellent." said Wayne, winking.

"So, Charlie." said Alex. "Are you planning on donating the prize money to charity again?"

"Of course, Alex." said Charlie. "You'll find your car, the Kuruma Faasuto GT in front of the house. Good luck, Angels, and have fun."

Wayne, Garth, and the Angels went outside and found a green and white sports coupe.

"Wait, the five of us are going to be racing in THAT little thing?" asked Dylan.

"Oh, it's no problem." said Wayne. "Two in the front, three in the back."

"Can you control yourself for just one second?" asked Alex.

"Yeah, you're right." said Wayne. "Excuse me while I turn down the machismo." He then grabbed his nose and pretended to turn it like a knob. "Garth, I gotta do you as well." he added before doing the same to Garth.

"That's better." said Natalie. "But just to be on the safe side, you two ride up front."

"What?" exclaimed Alex and Dylan.

"It's that or someone has to sit with them in the back." said Natalie.

"Let's go, guys." said Garth. "Boston is some ways away."

The Angels climbed into the back seat, then Wayne jumped into the driver's seat. Garth took shotgun. A few seconds later, they were off.

"So," said Wayne "how about a little 'Bohemian Rhapsody'?"

XXXXXXXXXX

In Coolsville...

"Well, gang, here's the vehicle Scoobs and I made for the Cannonball." said Norville Rogers, a.k.a "Shaggy".

"Where is it?" asked his friend, Freddie Jones.

"Yeah, all I see is an ice cream truck." said another of his friends, Daphne Blake.

"It is the ice cream truck." said Shaggy.

"Reah, rat's what re're riving." said Shaggy's dog, Scooby Doo.

"Shaggy, after what happened last year, how can you even look at an ice cream truck?" asked another of his friends, Velma Dinkley.

"Hey, I don't want to look at it, I just want to race it." said Shaggy. "Besides, I can forgive any vehicle built to sell food."

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time someone entered an unusual vehicle in the Cannonball." said Daphne.

"Can't be any worse than the Burrito." said Velma.

"Reah!" said Scooby. "Rey!"

"Can this vehicle perform?" asked Freddie.

"Sure!" said Shaggy. "Come on, get in."

With that, the gang piled into the ice cream truck. Freddie, Daphne, and Velma sat in back as the truck pulled away and started picking up speed.

"It accelerates nicely." said Velma.

"And it seems to be attaining a decent top speed." said Daphne.

"Hey, Shaggy!" said Freddie. "Nice work!"

"Why, thank you!" said Shaggy as he turned around.

"Shaggy, shouldn't you be watching the road?" asked Daphne.

"Of course not, Scoobs' driving." said Shaggy.

"What?" yelled Freddie, Daphne, and Velma.

In the driver's seat, Scooby laughed.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Dublin, the twelve-year-old criminal mastermind known as Artemis Fowl sat at a table at a sidewalk cafe with his personal assistant Butler.

"So, Butler." he said. "Once our teammate gets here, we'll be ready to head off to America for the Cannonball Run."

"Are you sure our vehicle is up to the challenge?" asked Butler.

"Quite positive." said Artemis. "I spent a while finely tuning the engine to a point where it could be used in a vehicle that would not attract attention."

"I know." said Butler as he looked at a red newspaper van. "I'm looking right at the Crown Mail and I still don't buy it as a racing vehicle."

"I believe this is our teammate." said Artemis as a frizzy-haired man in doctor's scrubs walked over to them.

"Excuse me, young man." he said. "I'm looking for an Artemis Fowl."

"That would be me." said Artemis. "I'm quite used to people not expecting me. Dr. John Dorian, I presume?"

"You can call me 'J.D.'" said Dorian. "What's up?"

"I'm taking part in the infamous Cannonball Run." said Artemis. "As you can tell, I'm too young to have a driver's license."

A waiter walked over and asked "Would you like something to drink?"

"Sprite. Leave the bottle." said J.D.

"Butler will be doing the driving chores," said Artemis "but he was seriously injured recently. I'll be needing a medical professional, namely yourself, to keep an eye on him."

"How serious are the injuries we're talking about?" asked J.D. as the waiter brought him his Sprite.

"We've had some fairy magic to heal him." said Artemis. "However, he still aches once in a while. I ask you to keep an eye on that."

"What kind of compensation can I expect?" asked J.D.

"You will be given a fair share." said Artemis. "A decent third of the 250,000,000 prize. That would be around 80,000,000."

"Sounds good, I accept your offer." said J.D.

As he tried to open his bottle of Sprite, J.D. thought "When I think of what I can do with that money..."

(Cue daydream)

J.D. sat on a pile of money throwing it into the air and letting it float back down to him. In the background, wind instruments were playing "We're In the Money". The janitor from J.D's hospital, Sacred Heart, walked by sweeping up the money.

(End daydream)

"No, that's not right." thought J.D. as he got the bottle open and started to pour his Sprite. "It's too old-fashioned, too cliched. I need something more flashy, more modern, more...like a music video!"

(Cue daydream)

J.D. quickly threw on a Scarface-type suit as pop music played in the background.

Push it to the limit.
Walk along the razor's edge.
But don't look down, just keep your head
and you'll be finished.

J.D. joined his friends Elliot Reed, Christopher Turk, and Carla Espinosa and walked towards a waiting limo.
(AN:To those not familiar with "Scrubs", Elliot's a woman.)

Hit the wheel and double the stakes.
Throttle wide open like a bat out of Hell
and you crashed the gates. (Crashed the gates!)

J.D. wrote the name Nikki on one of those "Hi, my name is " tags and called over his superior, Dr. Perry Cox, who was wearing a nametag that read "Hi, my name is Courtney". When Dr. Cox reached him, J.D. took off the "Courtney" nametag and replaced it with the "Nikki" nametag.

Going for the back of beyond.
Nothing gonna stop you.
There's nothing that strong.
So close now, you're nearly at the brink
so push it! (Oooh yeah!)

J.D. led his friends into his mansion's back yard. He showed them his latest purchase: an elephant that was sitting on Turk's Volvo.

Welcome to the limit.
Take it maybe one step more.
The power game's still playing so
you'd better win it.

Push it to the limit.
With no one left to stand in your way.
You might get careless, but you'll never be safe
while you still feel it.

Welcome to the limit.
Standing on the razor's edge.
Don't look down, just keep your head
and you'll be finished.

J.D. and his friends sat at a dining room table as the new butler carried over a bottle of champagne. When he reached J.D, the butler turned out to be Sacred Heart's janitor. He took out his penknife, cut the cork off the bottle, and poured the champagne into J.D's lap.

Push it to the limit

-"Scarface (Push It To The Limit)" by Paul Engemann

(End daydream)

J.D. snapped back to reality and discovered that his Sprite had overflowed his glass and was now spilling into his lap. He tried mopping it up with his napkin and asked Artemis "Do you have a sponge?"

XXXXXXXXXX

In Blister Canyon, a tough crawled from the wreckage of his dune buggy as "Mad Max" Rockatansky walked over with a crowbar.

"Oh, come on!" growled the tough. "It's not worth that!"

"Sorry, mate." said Max. "But I need this more than you do." He then went about prying the car's rear axle off and pulling the engine out. "These will go much better in the Baja Buggy than your Drifter."

"If I were you, I'd put those back in the Drifter." said one of the tough's fellow gang members. "Keep in mind this is Talon turf."

"I kept that in mind." said Max as he started winching the axle and engine assembly into his van. "That's why I brought friends." he added as a gyrocopter few overhead. The pilot dropped a few smoke bombs on the Talons. Max ran to his van, started it, and drove off in the chaos.

"Nice to see you made it." said the Gyro Captain.

"Thanks, but I don't know if the Shag can last until we reach the garage." said Max.

"Then you'll be happy to see them." said the Gyro Captain as he pointed to a Lotus and a diesel truck. "Say hello to Mason and Spike in the Omega and Highway and Jetto in the Rigg.

"Looks like the Gyro Captain's friend has company." said Spike from the Lotus' passenger seat.

"Good thing the Omega is a company car." said Mason.

"G'Day, mate!" cheered Jetto from the truck's turret. "We're here to help."

"Don't get too cocky, Jetto." warned Highway, driving the truck.

"Hang on, you guys!" said Max. "The garage is just over this bridge and through that mountain."

After crossing the bridge, the cars drove through the tunnel under the mountain. The Gyro Captain dove a little and swerved to avoid the Rigg and Omega, which were stopping.

"Let's close the tunnel." said Spike. "It'll take them hours to go around the other way."

He and Jetto fired on the rocks above the tunnel and it quickly collapsed.

"Oy!" yelled Jetto. Max drove to the garage and used the engine hoist in the back of the Shag to move the engine/axle assembly into the garage. Already in there was an orange sand rail. The only pieces missing were the ones Max had just acquired.

"What is this?" asked Highway.

"This is the Baja Buggy." said Max as he started to wheel the assembly over to the rest of the vehicle. "It's my entry in the Cannonball Run."

"Need help?" asked Highway.

"If you got any." said Max. "The way I figure it, the Talons will have to get here by going around the long way. Plus, they'll have to go through Section Eights territory. I should have enough time to bolt this thing into place. If it holds, I can weld it at a more opportune moment."

"We'll cover you." said Mason. "All the way to Boston if we have to."

Outside, a brown Buick Riviera parked across the street. The driver looked at the garage and said "Where are you, Max?"

An hour later...

"It's a good thing the Section Eights were being reasonable today." said one of the Talons. "Now, let's find that guy and get our junk back."

Just then, the Baja Buggy raced out of the garage. Max was driving while Highway rode in the back. "Let's get out of here!" yelled Highway.

"I know the way." said Max as he steered towards the bridge that was in pieces leading away from the tunnel. He started jumping the large gaps with the Omega and Rigg right behind him. The Talons stopped and shook their fists. They couldn't follow.

"Time to dance." said the Buick's driver as he started after them.

"Now, it's party time." said Highway.

(Note to Roadkill fans: I bet you were wondering where that bridge went.)

XXXXXXXXXX

In Florida, a group of cars drove down the highway. The driver of an Olsmobile Cutlass, the Sabre, answered his ringing cel phone.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Is this Dane Korpi?" asked Tanner on the other end.

"Yes."

"Hold on a second."

A second later, the cel phone of the driver of the Mustang, a.k.a. the Stallion, next to Korpi rang and the driver answered.

"Yello?"

"Is this Scott Darden?" asked Tanner.

"Yeah."

"Now that I've got you both on the line, I have a proposition for you." said Tanner.

"Go ahead." said Korpi.

"I'm sure you're both familiar with the Cannonball Run." said Tanner.

"Yeah." said Darden.

"Well, here's the deal." said Tanner. "We'd like to hire the two of you to help my boss do something about it, if you catch my drift."

"Yeah, I catch your drift." said Darden.

"Where should we meet?" asked Korpi.

"You're near Miami, right?" asked Tanner. "How about South Pointe Park?"

"Sounds good." said Darden.

"We're there." said Korpi.

"Good." said Tanner. "I've got some other guys meeting us there as well. I'll see you there."

XXXXXXXXXX

In New York City...correction: UNDER New York City...

"I'm still surprised we got asked to be in the Cannonball." said Leonardo.

"Whoa, you said it, dude!" replied Michaelangelo. "I can't believe they asked four giant, talking turtles who practice ninjitsu to boogie this bash."

"I'm ready to kick some serious shell." said Raphael. "Might even stop people from associating turtles with 'slow'."

"Patience, my turtles." said their ratsensei, Splinter. "Nothing will be gained by rushing into the fray recklessly. Although I do wish for your victory."

"We'll be able to practice when Donatello gets back with the car." said Leonardo. Just then, he heard a low rumble coming from the tunnels outside. He, Michaelangelo, Raphael, and Splinter rushed out to see what had shown up. They found Donatello driving a tricked-out but rather junky Ford Escort.

"Hey, guys!" said Donatello. "I rescued it from the junkyard. What do you think?"

"Whoa, nice wheels, dude!" said Michaelangelo.

"Yeah, wish I could say the same for the rest of the car." said Raphael.

"Come on, guys!" said Donatello. "The Cocotte wasn't in that bad condition and the junkyard didn't have anything else on our budget."

"It's nice, Donatello." said Leonardo. "But you should have made the roof at least two feet taller."

"Why?" asked Donatello.

"So I can practice while we're driving." said Leonardo as he drew his katana blade.

"Are we doing this or what?" asked Raphael.

"Yeah, guys." said Donatello. "Let's go."

"Master Splinter, I swear that we will honor your training and perform to the best of our ability." said Leonardo.

"Good luck, my turtles." said Splinter. "May your long and challenging road lead to victory."

The turtles climbed into the Cocotte and Donatello started the car. He went to put the car in gear, only to have the gear shift break off in his hand.

"Uh, does anyone have any chewing gum?" he asked.

XXXXXXXXXX

In the Boston, Massachusetts tavern known as Cheers...

"Reports from all over the world are saying that people are stepping up for the Cannonball Run." announced the reporter on television. "The racers are reporting to a cruise ship docked here in Boston for the pre-race party."

"Hey, Sam." said bartender Woody Boyd. "Everyone else is going to the starting place. Shouldn't we?"

"I wish we could." said head bartender Sam Malone. "Unfortunately, we can't use the Corvette because it only seats two and we don't have anything else that we could use."

"The post office is giving me some time off." said postal worker and bar regular Cliff Clavin. "Maybe we can negotiate the use of a brand new postal vehicle."

"That's great." said waitress Carla Tortelli. "Then you can be the first team to the wrong address."

Just then, another bar regular, accountant and painter Norm Peterson, entered and said "Afternoon, everybody."

The entire bar responded by calling out "Norm!"

"Like something with a head, Mr. Peterson?" asked Woody.

"Hopefully, the head of my last client." groaned Norm as he sat on his usual barstool.

"Care to talk about it?" asked Sam.

"Well, the guy can't pay me," said Norm "so he offers me first dibs on his car. He's selling it for ten grand."

"Wait, he wants you to pay him for you working for him?" asked Woody.

"Yeah." said Norm.

"Wow, just like back in Hanover." said Woody. "A friend of mine painted the police station and they asked him to pay them for the job."

"Woody, did the police ask him to paint the station?" asked Sam.

"No." said Woody. "Oh!"

"What kind of car is it?" asked Cliff.

"It's a Honda Civic." said Norm. "One of those street racer ones. He gave me a picture to think it over." Norm took out a picture of the car and showed it to the guys.

Sam looked at the picture. It showed a white Honda Civic with sky blue side stripes. "Not bad." he said.

Cliff looked at it and said "It's not American, but I like it."

Woody gave it a look and said "Wow, makes a normal one look...you know, normal."

"He calls it the Citi." said Norm.

"I think we should buy this car." said Sam. "Then we can use it in the race."

"He's not selling it to anyone unless I say so." said Norm.

"I'll give you the money." said Sam.

"Yeah, but...it's the principle of the whole thing." said Norm.

"I'll clear your tab for the past year." said Sam.

Norm jumped off his stool and ran for the door. "If we hurry, we can get there before the bank closes." said Norm. Sam ran out from behind the bar and after Norm. Cliff followed. Woody jumped over the bar and followed them.

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in time and space...

"Okay, Mike." said Pearl Forester. "Let's see what you're up to this time."

Pearl then opened a communications channel to an orbiting space station called the Satellite of Love. Instead of finding its captive residents, she found a few pieces of junk made up to resemble two robots and a crash dummy wearing a green jumpsuit.

"What is going on here?" she asked.

"Pearl, it looks like Mike and the bots have made another escape attempt." said the Observer. "And it looks like they succeeded this time."

"I dunno." said Professor Bobo. "I think they're looking pretty good."

"Brain-guy, where are they?" asked Pearl.

"There appears to be an escape pod missing." said the Observer. "I'll have that onscreen...now. Oh no!"

On the screen, the escape pod was seen plummeting through the Earth's atmosphere and burning up. Bobo screamed in shock. The Observer just repeated "No!" numerous times.

Pearl started to cry and wimpered "They chose to die instead of staying on the satellite. Why? What did I ever do to them?"

"Well, there is the experiment." said the Observer.

"Oh, hush!" yelled Pearl. "And give me the phone book! We need to find replacements."

In outer space, a green Volkswagen Passat with a heat shield welded to the front bumper drifted towards the Earth. Inside were Mike Nelson and his robot friends.

"I think we pulled it off, guys." said Crow, a gold-colored robot whose head was made up of a lacrosse helmet and a split bowling pin for a nose.

"Yeah, we're well on our way to Earth and the Cannonball." said Tom Servo, a red robot whose head was a gumball machine and whose legs were replaced by a hover skirt.

"Present course will take us to Boston in about two days." said Gypsy, a female robot colored gray and purple. She had a long metal tube for a neck/body, a discarded baby seat for a head, and a flashlight for an eye.

Mike opened a communications channel to Joel Robinson, his predecessor on the satellite. "Thanks, Joel." said Mike. "You really got us out of that one."

"Anytime, guys." said Joel. "You know, I'm still surprised I got an entire Volkswagen Passat through the Umbilicus."

"Well, we're out and ready to rock." said Mike. "The car has been completely modified and we're all set for the race."

"Don't you worry, guys." said Joel. "The Emu is one of the best vehicles I could find. You'll do well, mark my words."

"Okay, bye." said Mike as he closed the channel. "So, what can we watch until we touch down?"

"Ooh! 'The Fast and the Furious' is on." said Crow.

Mike turned on the monitor and they started watching the movie.

Onscreen, Jesse asked "Was that fun?"

"No, I lost!" snapped Tom.

Jesse popped the hood and was greeted by a cloud of smoke.

"Well, I see the fries are just about done." joked Mike.

"What are you smiling about?" asked Dom onscreen.

"I made tinkles." giggled Crow.

XXXXXXXXXX

Los Angeles, California. Buffy Summers and her friends were attending a local street race.

"'57 Chevy." said Buffy's friend, Xander Harris, as he showed off his uncle's car. "This is a real classic."

"I see that." said the street racer Xander was trying to impress. "Tell me something. Can it waste the Torrida?"

"The Torrida?" asked Xander.

"Uh, my car." said the racer as he pointed out an orange Acura Integra.

"Nice." said Buffy. "How about a race between you two?"

"Sounds great." said the racer. "Let's go."

"Not now." said Buffy's other friend, Willow Rosenberg. "How about tomorrow morning at eleven?"

"Morning's no good." said the racer. "Now."

"Oh, what's wrong?" asked Willow. "Working? College?"

"No, I think it's because the sun does really nasty things to the undead." said Buffy.

"No, it's not because of that." said the racer.

"Then why didn't your reflection show up in my compact?" asked Willow.

Confronted with the new evidence, the racer showed his true form, that of a vampire. "So you discovered my little secret. But I don't think you'll..."

He was cut off when Buffy tossed a stake into his heart and disintegrated him.

"If you're going to kill, then kill." Buffy told the dust pile. "Don't talk."

"Let's get his car." said Willow.

"Get his car?" asked Xander.

"I'm taking part in the Cannonball again and none of my previous teammates are available." said Buffy. "I've decided to bring you and Willow and we're going to use this guy's car."

"What about my uncle's car?" asked Xander.

"Xander." chimed Buffy as Willow climbed into the backseat of the Torrida.

Xander tapped the hood of the Chevy and said "Catch ya later, bud."

XXXXXXXXXX

In Long Beach, Dominic Toretto drove to a small garage with an old Shelby Mustang parked next to it. He climbed out of his car and entered the garage to find his Cannonball partner Randall "Memphis" Raines standing next to an old muscle car. Two legs were sticking out from under the car swaying side to side as ratcheting sounds were heard.

"So, I see you've got a new car for us." said Dominic.

"Yeah, what do you think?" asked Memphis.

"Lookin' good." said Dominic. "1971 Bestia, right?"

"Yeah, nasty little sucker." said Memphis. "Hopefully, we'll do better than second this year."

"Nasty is good for the Cannonball." said Dominic. Suddenly, the ratcheting sounds stopped.

"Yeah, it had better be since 250,000,000 is on the line." said Memphis. A clatter sounded as the mechanic dropped his wrench.

"And we're just about ready to go." said Dominic. The mechanic then rolled out from under the car and jumped to his feet.

"Oh, Dom. Let me introduce you to our mechanic." said Memphis. "But I don't think he needs an introduction."

"Jesse James!" said Dominic as he shook the man's hand. "I watch 'Monster Garage' all the time."

"You're kind of a legend yourself, Mr. Toretto." said Jesse. "King of the streets. Live your life a quarter mile at a time."

"This is the guy who pumped up the Bestia." said Memphis. "Now, she's ready for war. So, Jesse, what are the damages?"

"Well, you've got a choice." said Jesse. "First, you can take me with you."

"What?" asked Memphis.

"Make this a three-fer." said Jesse. "The Cannonball has always been a dream of mine."

"Uh, gee, I'm not sure." said Memphis.

"What if we don't bring you?" asked Dominic. "What's our other choice?"

"A million bucks, right here, right now." said Jesse as he held out his hand, displaying a tatoo of a dollar sign and the words "Pay up, sucker."

"We gotta take him with us." said Memphis.

"Alright, but you're driving." said Dominic.

The three men climbed into the Bestia. Jesse climbed behind the wheel and started it.

"I put most of the car's equipment in the back." said Jesse.

"To improve the weight distribution?" asked Dominic.

"Yeah, but mostly to do this." said Jesse.

He floored the accelerator and popped a wheelie as he tore out of the garage.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Highland...

"They're running the Cannonball again." said Butthead. "Too bad Corvax has new teammates."

"Maybe we should enter by ourselves again." said Beavis.

"We need a car, dumbass." said Butthead.

"Let's enter the lawn mower." said Beavis.

"Shut up, buttmunch!" said Butthead.

"Hey, what's that place?" asked Beavis.

"I dunno." said Butthead. "Let's check it out."

The two walked over to a row of garage doors.

"I never saw this place before." said Beavis.

"Me neither." said Butthead. "They must've just put it in."

They walked past a sign that read "Highland Auto School. Est. 1972".

They entered the building and found Mr. Van Dreisen leading the class. A silver Honda S2000 sat in the middle of the room.

"Welcome to our auto tuning class, students." said Mr. Van Dreisen. "And thanks to Billy for bringing in his Honda 2000, the Interna."

"Huh huh, he said 'Intern'." laughed Butthead.

"Yeah! Yeah!" laughed Beavis. "Intern. Heh heh!"

"Let's get in." said Butthead.

Beavis and Butthead snuck over and climbed into the car.

"Do any of you have any questions for Billy?" asked Mr. Van Dreisen.

"I do." said one student. "What kind of modifications did you put into the car?"

"I made many modifications." said Billy. "I added a turbocharger, cold air intake, and new ECU. I also lightened it a little and beefed up the suspension."

"Heh heh, he said 'beef'." laughed Beavis.

"Watch this." said Butthead. "So, how do you start this thing?"

"Oh, that's easy!" said Billy. "You just push the start button."

"Thank you." said Butthead as he pushed the start button.

"Hey! Wait!" yelled Mr. Van Dreisen as Butthead drove out of the garage.

On the road, Beavis and Butthead laughed about their stunt.

"That was cool!" said Butthead.

"Let's try the radio." said Beavis. He turned on the radio and they started headbanging to the music.

"This rocks!" said Butthead. "What is this?"

"Sounds familiar." said Beavis. "Ah! It's Winger!"

"Turn it off! Turn it off!" yelled Butthead.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Springfield, the Squeaky-Voiced Teenager was driving home. Suddenly, he found the street blocked off by Apu's Longhorn.

"What the hell is going on here?" yelled the teenager.

"I'm terribly sorry, but the street is closed." said Apu. "I'm afraid you'll have to find another way home."

"Damn street racers!" said the teen. "I'm calling the cops on you."

"Street racing downtown, eh?" said Chief Wiggam into his radio. "I'm in the area. I'll look into it." He then climbed out of his police car which had lowered suspension, neon underglow, and a snazzy body kit. "Okay, people! Let's fire it up!" he yelled.

Principal Skinner pulled up to the starting line in a fully modified Honda Civic. "I'm ready to educate this guy a new one." he said.

"But, Seymour, you put up the title on the Citi Turbo for this race?" asked his ex-fiance, Edna Krabappel. "Why would you do that?"

"Trust me, Edna." said Skinner. "If I should win, the reward will be invaluable."

"Dad, why did you promise to help me with my homework if you lost?" asked Bart Simpson.

"It was the only wager he would accept." said his dad, Homer. "Joke's on him. Within a week, he'll be begging me to stop helping you."

Snake closed the hood on his Li'l Bandit and turned to Homer. "Okay, she's all ready to run." he said. "You can have her for this race, but I get her right back."

"Relax, I'll treat it like it was mine." said Homer. He then pulled up next to Skinner. "Sucker." he said.

"Okay, the parameters of this race are so simple, even a Pakled can understand them." said Jeff Albertson,the manager of a local comic book shop, the Android's Dungeon. "The next intersection is exactly a quarter-mile from this one. You go when I say and the first one there is the winner. Are you ready?"

Homer and Skinner revved their engines. Jeff held up his hands. "Ready! Go!" he called as he dropped his hands.

Both cars raced off of the line. The Li'L Bandit took a quick lead.

"Go, Homie!" cheered Homer's wife Marge as she held their infant daughter Maggie.

"Yay, Dad!" cheered Homer's other daughter, Lisa.

Homer continued to power down the street keeping a slight lead on Skinner. The two cars raced across the finish line within seconds with Homer in the lead. After winning, he jumped out of the car and started dancing around and chanting "Two, four, six, eight! You suck, I'm great! La da! La da! You I hate!"

Skinner climbed out of his car. "Oh, I almost had you." he groaned.

"You almost had me?" replied Homer. "You never had me! You never had your car! Granny shifting, not double-clutching like you oughta. Ask any racer, any real racer. It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning is winning."

"Worst...impression...ever." pronounced Jeff.

"Fellow Springfielders, I plan to bring glory to this town by defending my win in the Cannonball Run." said Homer. "I plan to bring my family and use my new car."

The people of Springfield cheered as Homer's family joined him. Skinner just laughed. "Do you really think I'll actually be held to your wager?"

A few minutes later, the Simpsons were driving off in the Citi Turbo, leaving Skinner standing on the corner fuming. Local youth Nelson Muntz walked over and laughed "HA ha!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in California, a street race among motorcyclists was raging.

"Alright!" yelled one biker. "While the motor madmen of the world are heading off to run the Cannonball, we are here to show who's best among the riders of this city."

The others cheered. "We'll show them who the real riders are." said another. "I'll take the first race."

"I'll take you on that." said another. Everyone recognized him as Jaleel, a.k.a "the Kid", the leader of the Biker Boyz motorcycle gang.

"You want it, Jaleel?" said the biker. "You got it. Whatcha running?"

"This bike right here." said Kid as he showed off a yellow motorcycle. "Meet the Cohete."

"I'll be saying 'see ya' to it in a second." said the biker.

Kid and the other biker pulled up to the starting line. Another stood between them to start the race. Kid looked down the street and focused it into a tunnel. A second later, the race was started.

The two ran their bikes as quickly as they could, but Kid took a quick lead. His rival tried to keep up, but he still fell back. Within seconds, Kid had won the race.

"Good race, man." said Kid.

"You got lucky." said his opponent.

"Let's see how lucky I am in the Cannonball." said Kid.

"What was that?" asked his opponent.

"I was just seeing if the Cohete was worthy for the Cannonball." said Kid. "I'm on my way."

"You've got your skills." said a voice. "Hopefully, you can keep your focus."

Everybody turned to see whose voice it was. It turned out to be Kid's former rival...

"Smoke." said Kid.

"If you remember what your father taught you, you'll be unstoppable." said Smoke.

"I got it." said Kid. "Wish me luck."

"Fine, good luck." said Smoke. "And remember: burn rubber..."

"...not your soul." said Kid.

"Good." said Smoke as he knocked hands with Kid. "Knock 'em dead."

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere else...

"Where is it?" asked the professor.

"It's in here." said the assistant. "Let me get that for you." The assistant punched in the code to open the door and revealed a red Mazda RX-7.

"So, this is the Monstruo." said the professor. "It's everything I heard."

"And so much more." said the assistant. "Would you like to work alone?"

"Yes, that would be fine." said the professor.

"Very well." said the assistant as he left. The professor went to work hooking up his laptop to the Mazda's onboard computer.

"I have to disarm this bomb." he muttered to himself.

Behind him, a grate fell open and a tough-looking guy crawled out.

"How's it look, Ethan?" asked the man, the legendary Solid Snake.

The professor pulled off his mask and revealed himself to be IMF agent Ethan Hunt. "This thing's got a bomb on board that could put a serious hole in the world." he said. "I'm trying to disarm it."

"Are we going to use this in the Cannonball?" asked Snake.

"If I don't blow us up first." said Ethan. "There, I got it." He packed up his laptop and got into the car.

"It's not gonna...blow?" asked Snake.

"It's perfectly safe." said Ethan. "Come on."

"Alright." said Snake. He climbed into the car and they took off.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Texas, a red Dodge Viper race car sat in the desert with scientific personel all around it.

"What does Doctor Banzai say it'll do?" asked a scientist.

"Nearly two hundred." said another. "Here he comes."

At that moment, the project leader, Buckaroo Banzai, walked to the Viper. He opened the door and climbed in.

"This is Doctor Buckaroo Banzai beginning the field test of the Jersey XS."

"Copy, Buckaroo." said the scientist. "Prepare to start."

Buckaroo started the car and pushed it into gear. "Car is started. Preparing to go."

"That's an affirmative, Buckaroo." said the scientist. "Ready? Three, two, one, go!"

Buckaroo floored the accelerator and the car took off. Buckaroo continued to accelerate until he reached a high rate of speed. A minute later...

"A hundred and ninety has been achieved." said Buckaroo. "Initiating phase two."

"Phase two?" asked the scientist. "Clarify, Buckaroo. What's phase two?"

"That's a big no-can-do." said Buckaroo as he activated a switch on the dashboard. The car's headlights glowed yellow and the car jumped to an incredibly fast speed.

Some distance away, two of Buckaroo's Hong Kong Cavaliers, Perfect Tommy and Sydney "New Jersey" Zweibel were waiting for him.

"Where is he?" asked Perfect Tommy.

"He'll be here." said Sydney as he rubbed his ankle with an electronic bracelet around it.

Just then, the Jersey XS returned to normal speed and stopped in front of the two.

"How'd it work, Buckaroo?" asked Perfect Tommy.

"The Hyperthruster worked perfectly." said Buckaroo. "I checked the rules and it's completely legal."

"Don't remind me." said Sydney as he held up his leg so Buckaroo could see his ankle bracelet.

"Keep in mind that's for bringing the Overthruster last year." said Buckaroo. "So, are we going?"

"Yeah." said Perfect Tommy.

"I got shotgun." said Sydney.

"Boston, here we come." said Buckaroo.

XXXXXXXXXX

In L.A...

"We've got these two for breaking and entering." said the cop as he stuck Regis into the police cruiser. "Let's see if we can find more evidence on them."

"Wait, we're innocent!" cried Regis.

"Sure you are." said the arresting officer. "Sure you are."

"You had to pick this apartment, didn't you?" said Regis' brother, Marcus.

"Well, how was I supposed to know this would be the next place to be robbed by the L.A. Bandit?" asked Regis.

"Looks like we're going to be out of the action for a while." said Marcus.

Just then, a report came over the radio. "Be on the lookout for Cannonballers. The race is starting up again. Over."

"Did you hear that?" asked Regis.

"We have to get out of here if we're gonna make the start." said Marcus.

"Okay, at the count of three." said Regis as he and Marcus crawled up to the cage between the front and rear seats. Their action was a little harder than usual due to the handcuffs on their wrists. "One! Two! Three!" Then he and Marcus shoulder rammed the cage and knocked it out of the space.

"Come on!" said Marcus. Regis climbed into the front passenger seat and Marcus stumbled into the driver's seat. He accidentally hit Regis in the back of the head and muttered "Sorry."

"Hey, they left the keys in the ignition." said Regis.

"Good." said Marcus as he bit the keys and started the car. Then he bit the gear selector and put it into overdrive. "I'll steer. You work the pedals."

Right then, the cops stepped out of the building. The one who arrested Marcus and Regis asked "So this piece of evidence exonerates them?"

"Sure does." said the other. "Let's go let them go."

Just then, the L.A. Cop Car raced by with the two brothers driving.

"Hey!" yelled the cop as the car raced away.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Miami's South Pointe Park, Tanner leaned against a blue BMW 535i, the Sentinel, as the Sabre and Stallion pulled up. The two thugs climbed out.

"Darden and Korpi, I presume?" asked Tanner.

"That's us." said Korpi.

"What's up?" asked Darden.

"My boss, drug dealer Jimmy DeMarco has heard of the Cannonball Run." said Tanner. "He thinks the prize money would be better used by him than by any of the participants. I decided that his plan to relieve the race organizers of the money would go better if you two and your gang, the Highway Hunters, were on the job.

"Jimmy DeMarco?" asked Darden. "Where have I heard of him?"

"He's the one they call 'Dr. Feelgood'." said Korpi.

"Hey, are you talking about my boss or are you singing a Motley Crue song?" asked Tanner. "Anyways, you guys will make a great contribution to the plan by keeping the racers busy while we sneak in and abscond with the cash."

"Who's we?" asked Darden.

"I hired some others to help us out." said Tanner.

"Like us." said one of a group of hot looking young women in black jumpsuits. They all had dark hair and nice, even tans and obviously made sure they looked their best.

"Who are you guys?" asked Korpi.

"We are not guys." said another girl. "We are hot chicks."

"Apparently, there's been some talk in the outer edges of the galaxy." said Tanner. "These ladies, who say they're aliens, have a beef with one of the teams that are said to be in the race. They stepped up and joined our group with little hesitation."

"Great, I can't wait to work with these broads." said Darden.

"Are we waiting on anyone else?" asked Korpi.

"Yes, but here he comes now." said Tanner as a blue and white ice cream truck, the Mr. Whoopie, pulled into the park and sounded a cavalry charge with its horn. It stopped and a man looked out the service window.

"Tanner?" he asked with a high, goofy voice.

"Yeah, that's me." said Tanner.

"Our mutual friend told me where I could meet you." said the man. "Capt. Tom Everett, U.S. Marine Corps."

"Who is this guy?" asked Korpi.

"I've been working for various underground clients since the 'Nam." said Everett. "Mostly building upon my military expertise. Demolitions, weapons, wetwork, that sort of thing."

"Okay, your task is to assist us with stealing the prize money for the Cannonball Run." said Tanner. "While Darden, Korpi, and these Hot Alien Chicks are keeping the racers busy, we will be infiltrating their race headquarters."

"Did you say 'The Cannonball Run'?" asked Everett.

"Yeah, what about it?" asked Tanner.

"I think I know the perfect person to call for this mission." said Everett. "Have you heard of former Commander Alice J. Foyt?"

"I have." said Darden. "I think we can go get her if you want."

"Yeah, DeMarco asked me to look for her." said Tanner. "You guys go get Ms. Foyt and I'll introduce these guys to Mr. DeMarco."

"I'll see you later." said Everett as he restarted his truck.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Boulder Hill, Nevada, Matt Trakker walked into MASK headquarters and met with Bruce Sato.

"Bruce, you wanted to see me?" he asked.

"Yes, Matt." said Bruce. "I'm sure you're aware the Cannonball is taking place once again."

"Yes, I'm aware of that." said Matt. "Have you found out how the participants managed to obtain all of our designs two years ago?"

"No, I'm still working on that." said Bruce. "I'm afraid we have no choice but to enter the race ourselves to investigate."

"Not that entering the Cannonball isn't exciting enough." said Matt.

"Of course." said Bruce. "I've already rigged up a vehicle with Buddy." He then pushed a button and a silver Ford Puma rolled into the room.

"Looks good." said Matt. "Does it have a vehicle code name?"

"I call it the Boost." said Bruce.

"Great, but we might need some help." said Matt. "Computer, select MASK agent best suited for this mission."

"Personel: Gloria Baker." said the computer. "Champion race car driver."

"Personel approved." said Matt. "Assemble Mobile Armored Strike Kommand!"

XXXXXXXXXX

In New England...

"Dr. Fred! Dr. Fred!" called Bernard Bernoulli. "Are you here?"

"Ah yes, Bernard." said Dr. Fred Edison as Bernard entered his mansion. "I believe you're familiar with the Cannonball Run."

"You want me to enter the Cannonball?" asked Bernard.

"Of course." said Dr. Fred. "Who else is stup...gutsy enough to drive it?"

"And you thought of me?" said Bernard. "I'm honored."

"Of course, you can't do this without a car." said Dr. Fred. "Come."

Dr. Fred led Bernard into the garage. A pink Ford Escort Cosworth sat on the lift with a giant orange demon working on it.

"Behold!" announced Dr. Fred. "The Bryanston V! Oh, this is our chief mechanic, Glottis."

"Hey, man!" squealed Glottis. "How do you like the car?"

"It's...pink!" gasped Bernard.

"Yeah! But it's real fast!" gushed Glottis. "This thing has serious power!"

"And it's yours." said Dr. Fred.

"Wow, me alone with this car." sighed Bernard.

"Oh, you won't be alone." said Dr. Fred. "I hired someone for your protection." A motorcycle engine was heard and Dr. Fred added "Here he is now."

A custom motorcycle pulled into the garage. The rider climbed off and walked over to the others.

"I, uh, got your call." said the biker.

"Bernard, meet Ben." said Dr. Fred. "He'll be your protector-slash-codriver."

"Hi, I'm Bernard Bernoulli." said Bernard. "Who are you?"

"Ben." said Ben.

"Before we go any further," said Dr. Fred. "you have to go."

"Okay, wish us luck!" said Bernard.

"You drive." said Ben. "I don't like anything with more than two wheels."

Ben and Bernard climbed into the Bryanston V and drove off.

"There go two very crazy individuals." said Dr. Fred.

Suddenly, an old DeSoto police car crashed through the wall. A dog wearing a suit and hat climbed out of the driver's seat and a vicious looking rabbit climbed out of the passenger seat.

"Hello!" said the dog.

"This looks like the place, Sam." said the rabbit.

"Looks like the car isn't here, Max." said Sam, the dog.

"Uh oh." said Dr. Fred. "What's wrong?"

"I'm Sam and this is Max." said Sam. "We believe that you recently purchased a stolen car, an Escort Cosworth."

"Oh, uh, yes." said Dr. Fred. "But I didn't know it was stolen."

"That's what they all say." said Max, the rabbit.

"Are you questioning my work, bunny?" asked Glottis.

"You bet, big, orange, and ugly." replied Max.

"Bring it on, wabbit!" said Glottis.

"You got it!" said Max. Max then pounced on Glottis, but the big demon just grabbed him and dropped him into his mouth.

"Uh, while your friend is digesting my friend," said Sam "maybe you can answer some questions. First off, where's the car?"

"On the road." said Dr. Fred. "It was entered in the Cannonball Run."

"Where's that starting from?" asked Sam.

"A cruise ship currently docked in Boston." said Dr. Fred. "After they're done partying in the Bermuda Triangle, the race starts."

"When does the ship leave?" asked Sam.

"Tomorrow morning." said Dr. Fred. "If you want to catch them, you might want to leave now. Traffic, you understand."

"Thanks, we're on our way." said Sam. He walked over to Glottis and whispered something into his ear. Glottis suddenly looked very nauseated and spit out Max.

"Let's go, Max." said Sam. "We've got a car to recover."

"What did you say to the big nasty?" asked Max. Sam whispered in his ear and Max replied "That's gross, Sam!"

XXXXXXXXXX

In the middle east, Corvax was working on a dark blue BMW 760iL while wearing headphones.

"Sharif don't like it!" he sang. "Rock the casbah! Rock the casbah!"

Suddenly, electricity started to crackle around the courtyard. Then, there was a bright flash of light and a man in a police uniform appeared where the engine of another car had once been.

"I take it you're one of the bodyguards I hired." said Corvax.

"That I am." said the "man". "Terminator designation T-1000 at your service."

"Good to see you." said Corvax. "Come into my study and we'll discus our race plans."

"There is no time to waste." said the T-1000. "We must leave as soon as possible."

"There will be time for rushing during the race." said Corvax. "We can afford to be patient now."

"No, we must leave." said the T-1000. "We must hurry or..."

Just then, more electricity crackled followed by another flash of light. When it cleared, a woman was standing near them.

"Terminator designation T-X at your service." she said. "I was hired by a man named Corvax."

"You must be my other bodyguard." said Corvax. "Good to see I'm getting my money's worth."

"Mr. Corvax, you're wasting your money on her." said the T-1000. "She will leave you with a messed up mind and a badly bruised heart."

"Still bitter I see." said the T-X.

"Bitter?" yelled the T-1000. "You cheated on me with a T-600!"

"You cheated on me with a Toyota." replied the T-X.

"It was lonely!" replied the T-1000.

"Enough!" called Corvax. "We need to discus our plans and we don't need to be arguing about useless things."

"Then, fire him." said the T-X.

"No, her!" said the T-1000.

"Here's the deal." said Corvax. "You will both attempt to get into my car, the Schneller V8. Whoever doesn't get into the car will be fired."

"No problem." said the T-1000. He walked over to the car's grill and put his hand against it. In short order, his hand oozed through the grill and pulled the hood latch. The hood opened and revealed the engine.

"Allow me." said the T-X. She walked over and turned her hand into an antenna. She touched the ECU and a spark flowed into it. The doors then unlocked.

"Ah, good work!" said Corvax. "Since you both managed to get into the car without problems, neither one of you is fired. Come, we plan."

"I got the doors open." said the T-X.

"Just remember who got the hood open." said the T-1000. The T-X responded by punching the T-1000 in the face. Her fist went right through his liquid metal head. "Oh, that's mature." he said.

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere over Iowa...

"Hi, folks! Super Dave Osbourne here! Working together with my chief stunt co-ordinator Fuji Akihito, I have been planning and preparing for the Cannonball Run. This is a very dangerous and challenging race and will be a true test of my abilities. To promote my participation in the race, I will be performing a parachute jump in the car I will be using in the race, the Alarde."

Super Dave held out his hand to display a yellow Lotus Elise. It had parachutes attached to the front and rear bumpers.

"Fuji, can you give out the details on the parachute jump?" asked Super Dave.

"Of course, Super." said Fuji. "After you drive out of the plane, you pull the ripcord on the dashboard and guide the car towards the bullseye. When you land, pull the switch and the parachutes will detach. And that's all there is to it."

"Thank you, Fuji." said Super Dave. "Are we ready?"

"Yes." said Fuji. "You may proceed."

"Thanks again." said Super Dave as he entered the car.

"Ready?" said Fuji. "Go!"

Super Dave drove the Alarde out of the plane's cargo bay. It tumbled through the air towards the bullseye on the ground.

"I'm checking the altimeter and I'm approaching the ideal altitude to pop the chutes." announced Super Dave. "Here goes."

Super Dave pulled the ripcords, but only the rear one worked.

"Wait, we've only got one chute!" yelled Super Dave. "The front one didn't..."

The rear parachute deployed and the car pitched forward. Super Dave was ejected from the driver's seat and plummeted towards the ground.

"I think I should've taken that emergency chute!" screamed Super Dave in mid-freefall.

A couple of seconds later, he slammed into the bullseye. A moan swept through the crowd.

"Boy, wasn't that something?" asked a redneck.

"Are you kidding?" asked a woman with him. "That was the dumbest thing since that dimwit tried to jump off the CN Tower."

"That was him!" said the redneck.

Super Dave moaned as he tried to pick himself up. "Oh, Fuji." he groaned. "Call me a paramedic."

"Okay, Super." said Fuji as he took out his remote and hit a button. "I'll just...oops." He then pushed another button and said "Sorry, I accidentally released the chutes."

"Released the what?" asked Super Dave. Suddenly, the Alarde dropped out of the sky and landed on him. "Ow, record pain!" he groaned.

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in America, a teenage boy named Malcolm walked up his driveway. "It's still unbelievable, but they're letting us take part in the Cannonball Run." he said, to the audience apparently. "Normally, Mom and Dad wouldn't let us do this, but they're letting us due to the family's financial situation. Luckily, Francis' boss Otto gave us his old Volkswagen Golf as a severance gift and let us fix it up and use it in the race. Unfortunately, Francis and Reese don't seem to have any idea what they're doing."

Malcolm came upon his older brothers Francis and Reese working on the Volkswagen. They weren't doing very well. "Look, just try to get this thing running." demanded Reese.

"I'm doing the best I can." said Francis. "What makes you think I know how to work on one of these things?"

"Well, you look like that Paul Walker guy." replied Reese.

"As I said, it's not going well at all." said Malcolm.

"Can't you at least give me those instructions?" asked Reese.

"Won't do you any good." said Francis as he handed the instructions to Reese. "I checked. There's several pieces missing."

"How's it going?" asked Malcolm.

"Not well." said Francis. "We're trying to figure these instructions out and they're written in geek."

"What are you trying to install?" asked Malcolm.

"A fuel delivery system." said Reese. "Unfortunately, we appear to be missing several parts."

Just then, their younger brother Dewey walked out of the house with the fuel delivery system. "Hey, guys." he chirped.

"Dewey, is that the fuel delivery system?" asked Malcolm.

"Yeah." said Dewey. "I was bored, so I decided to work on something."

Malcolm checked the instructions. "This is absolutely perfect." he said. "Dewey, thank you."

"Anytime." said Dewey. "I just wanted to help out and I'm too young to have a driver's license."

"I'll put it into the car." said Francis. Within a few minutes, the fuel delivery system was installed in the car.

"Okay, let's go." said Francis.

"Did we name this thing yet?" asked Reese.

"I thought we'd name it something French to give it class." said Francis.

"Oh, come on!" said Reese. "We need to give this car a real cool name like 'Villain', or 'Assassin', or 'Rogue'."

"Why don't we compromise?" asked Malcolm. "We'll give it a cool, dangerous name, but translate it into French. For example, 'Rogue' in French is 'Fripon'."

"That's great." said Francis. "Fripon."

"Ooh, better." said Reese. "Fripon X!"

"Yeah, that's perfect." said Malcolm. "Let's go."

"Goodbye, guys." said Dewey as his older brothers climbed into the car. "Good luck."

Francis started the car and drove out of the driveway towards the meeting place. Dewey ran out into the street after them and waved as his hamster ran by in its exercise ball.

XXXXXXXXXX

In upstate New York, Lara's team stopped at a gas station to refuel.

"THAT'S your jumpsuit?" asked Chun Li as she climbed out of the Zender.

"Why? What's wrong with it?" asked Cate as she followed. She was wearing a bright orange and white jumpsuit.

"Well, it's going to be hard to remain inconspicuous in that." said Chun Li. "When you said you wore it on missions, I thought it would be black. I mean you're a secret agent, but you'd stick out wearing that."

"So? You girls don't exactly blend in yourselves." said Cate.

"Lara, I've been thinking." said Joanna. "Maybe we should get a little more practice before the Cannonball."

"I think you're right." said Lara. "Now, all we need is someone to practice against."

"Did somebody mention the Cannonball?" asked a man in orange and blackmotorcycle leathers that said "Carpe Diem" across the front.

"Why, yes." said Lara. "You know of it?"

"I'm in it." said the man. "Cary Ford. Nice to meet ya."

"We're looking for a little practice." said Joanna. "You think you can take on the Zender Alpha?"

"Zender Alpha?" asked Cary. "Bet it doesn't stack up against the Monsoni." He pointed to a black motorcycle.

"You're on." said Lara.

The girls paid for their gas and returned to the highway. Cary was right behind them on the Monsoni. He signaled to them to start the race.

"Let's go!" yelled Joanna who was driving. She took a brief lead, but Cary destroyed it a second later.

"Lighter and thinner." said Cary as he patted the bike.

"Joanna, punch it!" begged Cate. "You can't let us lose to an upstart."

"Who said I was LETTING us lose?" asked Joanna. "Hang on!"

Joanna turned to the shoulder and used it to pass the traffic, which was getting heavier. Cary was starting to be held back by the traffic.

"Not this time." he said.

He popped a wheelie and rode up the back of a New Beetle. He ramped off the car and landed on the back of a flatbed truck. He then rode up a bunch of wooden A-frames the truck was carrying and jumped the bike onto a nearby bus. He rode the length of the bus and jumped onto a trailer truck. After reaching the front end, he dropped back to the highway and rode out of the traffic congestion. The Zender was right next to him.

"You see, a bike can zip through even the densest of traffic." explained Cary. "That's one advantage over a car."

"Not bad." said Lara. "But we'll see how you do in the real race."

"I look forward to it." said Cary.

XXXXXXXXXX

In California, Jesse Richmond and Chester Greenburg stepped out of their house in the suburbs.

"Cannonball, here we come." said Jesse.

"Hey, you think your old car is up to the challenge?" asked Chester.

"I dunno." said Jesse. "Guess we'll find out in a little bit." He looked away from Chester and looked at the empty space where his car was usually parked, only it wasn't there. "Dude, where's my car?" he asked.

"Where's your car, dude?" asked Chester.

"Dude, where's my car?" asked Jesse.

"Where's your car, dude?" asked Chester.

"Do you feel like we've had this conversation before?" asked Jesse.

"Yeah, but I can't remember where." said Chester.

"Come on, man." said Jesse. "Where's my car?"

Just then, a delivery van drove away from the house across the street. When it did, it revealed an orange Renault Clio Sport with a sign on the side reading "Jesse and Chester".

"Who cares?" asked Chester. The two walked over to check out the car.

Jesse picked up the sign and discovered writing on the back. "Dear Jesse and Chester." he read. "We're very sorry, but we had to borrow your car again. We know you're going to attempt the Cannonball, so we gave you a better car for the race. It's called the Stadt. We're confident you will do well and we wish you good luck. Signed, the Nordic Dudes."

"What did they need our car for?" asked Chester.

"They didn't say." said Jesse. "But with what they gave us, who cares?"

"Right, we're gonna kick some ass." squealed Chester.

The two then wiggled their fingers together and chirped "Shibby!" They then got into the car and drove off.

XXXXXXXXXX

In London...

"Ah, James." said R. "Glad you could make it."

"Well, I'm glad Q Branch is supporting me in the Cannonball." said Agent James Bond. "I believe you have something to show me."

"Yes, of course." said R. "Your car is right over here."

R led James to the vehicle bay. In the center was a silver Aston Martin Vanquish.

"James, meet the Victory." said R.

"Well, with this thing, I should meet victory." said James. "What kind of equipment have you given me?"

"Since there's a ban on weapons this year, you won't find those." said R. "You do have some nice gadgets though. For example, the Q Wedge will give you the ability to tilt onto your side wheels. The Q Smoke might be considered a weapon, but if not, you can use it to envelop anyone behind you in a thick cloud of smoke. And the Q Vision will give you night vision when you need it."

"Smashing." said James. "But no weapons, you say."

"Only personal weapons, James." said R. "You may bring your PPK. Oh, I'd like you to meet your partner."

"Hi there." said a voice. James turned around and saw a seven-foot-tall giant with stainless steel teeth.

"Jaws!" yelled James as he went for his gun. R stopped him.

"It's alright, James." assured R. "He's on our side now."

"Really?" asked James.

"Yeah, I used to be a real jerk." said Jaws. "But I'm much better now."

"Oh, well, if you say so." said James. "Shall we?"

"By all means." said R. James and Jaws got into the car.

"Did you hear?" asked James. "They're not letting us put weapons on the cars. They are, however, letting us use personal weapons."

"That's good." said Jaws. "Every time I show these to a dentist, he runs away screaming."

XXXXXXXXXX

In New York...

"We're going to be in the Cannonball!" cheered Peter Venkman, one of the paranormal enforcers known as the Ghostbusters.

"That's great, Peter." said Egon Spengler, his fellow Ghostbuster. "But who's going to fight ghosts while we're out racing around the world?"

"Well, I didn't say we were all going to go." said Peter. "I'll need one partner, maybe two, and the rest of you guys can stay here and prevent New York from becoming a paranormal madhouse."

"Okay, but who?" asked Ray Stantz, another Ghostbuster.

"I'll go." said Winston Zeddmore, the other Ghostbuster. "You know how much I love cars."

"Okay, but we'll need another." said Peter.

"Don't look at me." said Egon. "I can't let Ray do this alone."

"Yeah, and vice versa." said Ray.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Winston." said Peter.

"Hey, guys!" said the team's lawyer, Louis Tully. "I heard you were doing the Cannonball. Is that true?"

"Absolutely." said Peter. "Hey, we need a third. You wanna come with?"

"Did you just ask me to come along?" asked Louis.

"Of course." said Peter. "You in?"

"Wow, thanks." said Louis.

"What about your car?" asked Egon. "You're not taking the Ecto-1, are you?"

"No, we know you need it." said Winston. "I think we'll take the Modo Prego."

"You mean that car we were given by that millionaire guy?" asked Ray. "Our gift for ridding his mansion of ghosts?"

"It was the least he could do." said Peter. "After all, we did help him with his former business partners."

"Don't we need to work on the car?" asked Louis.

"I don't think so." said Peter. "I mean, look at it." He pointed out a yellow Porsche 911 GT3.

"Okay, we're off." said Winston.

XXXXXXXXXX

In San Francisco, police inspectors Nash Bridges and Joe Dominguez sat on the hood of Nash's '71 Hemi'Cuda in a downtown parking garage.

"When's that guy supposed to get here?" asked Joe.

"Soon." said Nash. "Then, it's off to the Cannonball."

"Are we gonna use the 'Cuda?" asked Joe.

"Nah, I don't want to risk damaging it." said Nash. "Our companion's bringing a car."

"How did he get a car?" asked Joe. "I thought he didn't like cars."

"Well, the Paris police gave it to him as a gift." said Nash. "Apparently, he helped them solve a murder they were having trouble with."

"When did he go to France?" asked Joe.

"He didn't." said Nash. "He solved the crime just by reading a newspaper right here in San Francisco. Here he comes."

A symphony of car horns sounded as a Citroen police car crept along with a long line of traffic behind it. The Citroen turned into the parking garage and parked a few spaces away from the 'Cuda. Then, it backed up and drove forward until it was exactly in between the lines. Then, a nervous-looking man climbed out.

"Adrian Monk." said Joe.

"Yo, Adrian!" called Nash.

"Nash, good to see you." said Monk as he approached. "I think you should be careful driving out there. Everyone's being so impatient."

"Yeah, I see that." said Nash. "How's the car?"

"Good." said Monk. "I just gave her a once-over. All the screws and bolts have been tightened. I refilled the oil, windshield washer, radiator, fuel."

"How often do you do that?" asked Joe.

"Every time I take it out." said Monk. "Why don't we go now?"

"Alright, but I'm driving, bubba." said Nash.

"Okay, fine with me." said Monk.

Nash got into the driver's seat, Joe sat next to him, and Monk climbed in back. "Remember to drive carefully." said Monk. "Don't go too fast."

"Adrian, this is racing." said Nash. "There's no such thing as 'too fast'." Then, Nash threw the Paris Cop Car into reverse and peeled out. Nash then performed a bootlegger and sent Monk into a whimpering panic.

XXXXXXXXXX

In an insane asylum in upstate New York...

"Ah yes, I can show you to Commander Foyt." said Dr. Peter Silberman. "Poor lady went crazy after last year's Cannonball."

"Yeah yeah yeah." said Korpi. "Just show her to us."

"As you wish." said Silberman. He showed Darden and Korpi to Foyt's room. "That's her. Commander Alice Foyt."

"You are maintaining the speed limit, aren't you, doc?" asked Foyt.

"I haven't driven since you last asked me." said Silberman. "She's like this all day. The Cannonball must have really taken its toll."

"Sounds brutal." said Darden. "We must put a stop to these motorized hooligans."

"Yes, she must have been subjected to some severe mental trauma." said Silberman. "Like we all have from time to time..."

"If it's okay with you, we'd like a minute with her." said Korpi.

"Fine." said Silberman. "Be sure to let me know when you're done."

After Silberman left, Darden and Korpi entered Foyt's room.

"Alice J. Foyt?" asked Darden.

"Have you been obeying the speed limit?" asked Foyt.

Korpi just laughed maniacly. Darden lightly hit him in the chest.

"What brings you here?" asked Foyt.

"We're here with a job offer from a prestigious client." said Darden.

"Who is this prestigious client?" asked Foyt.

"You'll find out." said Korpi. "Of course, we're talking about a lot of money."

"I reject your offer." said Foyt. "I smell a rat. I want nothing to do with your client or his offer."

"It's really simple." said Darden. "We're just going to try to steal the prize money for the Cannonball Run..."

"The Cannonball?" said Foyt. "The Cannonball is the reason I'm in here. The Cannonball is the reason I went crazy. I want in."

"Good." said Darden. "The first thing we're going to do is get you out of here."

Darden and Korpi left Foyt's room with her. "I'll get the Stallion, you get her into position." said Darden.

"Gotcha." said Korpi. He started to walk towards the roof stairs with Foyt when Silberman noticed him.

"Hey, where are you going with her?" asked Silberman.

"Uh, taking her for a walk." said Korpi. "You know, let her stretch her legs, probably take a pee..."

"Ms. Foyt is an extreme flight risk." said Silberman. "She cannot be permitted to leave the building."

"How about this?" asked Korpi. He punched out Silberman and ran for the stairs with Foyt.

Korpi and Foyt climbed the stairs and found themselves on the roof.

"Now where do we go?" asked Foyt.

"Watch." said Korpi. He led her over to the side of the roof and showed her Darden pulling up to the side of the building in the Stallion.

"Happy landings." said Korpi as he pushed Foyt off the roof. She landed in the back of the Stallion.

"You okay back there?" asked Darden.

"Yes, now get us out of here." said Foyt.

"Here I come!" yelled Korpi. He jumped off the roof.

"Let's go." said Darden as he pulled away. Korpi then slammed into the road behind him. "Oh sorry, Korpi. You okay?" asked Darden as he stopped.

"Yeah yeah." said Korpi as he jumped into the back of the car. "Go!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in the American heartland...

"And then the aliens rumaged through my notes looking for what I'd said." said the kid.

"Just what did you say?" asked former FBI Agent Fox Mulder.

"They were interested in finding out how those kids in Ohio defeated the alien faculty at their high school." said the kid.

"Why were they interested in that?" asked Mulder.

"They didn't say." said the kid. Just then, the two were interupted by an electric roar and a loud rattle. They turned to see the garage door opening.

"I thought you lived alone." said Mulder.

"I do." said the kid as a black sedan pulled into the garage.

"Do you know anyone who drives a Lexus?" asked Mulder.

The front doors opened and two men in black suits climbed out.

"The Men In Black." said Mulder. "I suppose I should've seen this coming."

"What has this kid been telling you, Fox?" asked Agent J.

"He's told me quite a story." said Mulder as he handed the MIBs his notepad. "Here, take a look."

"I know these guys." said Agent K. "They're nothing to worry about."

"What are they?" asked Mulder. "The FBI of space?"

"No, tabloid reporters." said K.

"Fox, are you aware that the Cannonball is being run again?" asked J.

"It is?" asked Mulder.

"That's why we're here." said K. "To find you."

"Is this our car?" asked Mulder. "It looks nice."

"The MIBs would have nothing less." said J. "The Lusso XT is the finest in human design and alien tuning."

"Great, let's go." said Mulder.

"One thing first." said K as he pulled out a pen-like object and popped on his sunglasses. "Young man, is this thing glowing blue?"

"Yeah, it is." said the kid as J and Mulder put on their sunglasses. Suddenly, the kid was stunned by a brilliant flash of light.

K returned to the car and said "As far as he's concerned, we were never here."

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere else, an orange fox with two tails drove along a highway in a gold Nissan 350Z. Next to him was a red echidna.

"How's the RSMC 15 doing?" asked Kuckles, the echidna.

"It's doing great." said the fox, Miles "Tails" Prower. "When the Cannonball starts, I think we're going to do well."

"It should." said Knuckles. "I spent all week working on it. It's probably the fastest thing on the highway."

Just then, he looked in the rearview and saw a blue blur coming up fast.

"Except for you-know-who." added Knuckles.

The blue blur caught up to the car and matched its pace. It turned out to be an extremely fast hedgehog.

"Sonic!" exclaimed Tails. "You made it!"

"You know I did." said Sonic, the hedgehog. "I wouldn't miss an opportunity to show off my speed. I also wouldn't give that plumber the satisfaction of knowing I didn't show up."

"You must be tired running this fast." said Knuckles. "Want a lift?"

"I'm actually not the least bit tired." said Sonic. "But okay." He jumped into the Nissan and they drove off together.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Japan...

"We managed to tune the car to your liking." said Makoto. "If you enter the Cannonball with this, I'm sure you will win."

"Thanks." said Jarod as he looked over the white MR2. "From what I've heard, I'm going to need this car."

"You are getting quite a deal from us." said Ichiro. "Many street racers have visited us for equipment and come away winners."

"I'll do my best to honor your work." said Jarod.

Just then, Nikko ran in and squealed "Not so fast, squidhead! I know your secret."

"Be careful how you talk to our friend, Nikko." said Makoto. "Mr. Walker here has just finalized a deal to purchase the Vortex."

"Walker? I thought his name was Diesel." said Ichiro.

"He told me his name was Schulze." said Nikko. "He infilatrated our circle to bring down Kenichi. Then he left me in a trap with no apparent escape. He didn't count on the resourcefulness of a riceboy, stupid squid."

"What do you think, Ichiro?" asked Makoto.

"I think he will be surrendering something." said Ichiro.

"I agree." said Makoto.

"I think I should warn you." said Jarod. "I can instantly learn martial arts...among other things."

"And I think I should warn you." said Ichiro. "I don't care."

Just then, the car's driver's seat was thrown at Makoto and knocked him down. Everybody looked to where the seat originated from and saw a little robot sitting in the car.

"Hurry!" said the robot. "We must escape!"

Jarod ran over to the MR2 and jumped into the passenger seat. The robot started the car and drove out.

Jarod looked over his shoulder at the pursuing street racers and said "I think we have maybe a minute before those guys get to their rice rockets and come after us."

"Think again." said the robot as they drove past the frames of the racers' cars surrounded by their other parts neatly arranged. "Rice rockets disassembled." added the robot.

"You know, you're literally the last thing I expected to show up." said Jarod.

"Well, I thought if I got in your good graces, you might let me join your team." said the robot.

"You are in my good graces and welcome to the team." said Jarod. "My name's Jarod. Don't worry about the last name. It changes all the time."

"You can call me Johnny Five." said the robot. "So, what did they call this car?"

"Makoto called it the Vortex." said Jarod. "He built it for me to drive in the Cannonball Run before things went south."

"The Cannonball Run." said Johnny Five. "I may be wrong, but wasn't there a car in the qualifying run called the Vortex?"

"Yes, there was." said Jarod. "I think we should call it something else like Vortex 2 or Vortex Jr."

"How about...Vortex 5?" asked Johnny Five.

"Perfect." said Jarod.

XXXXXXXXXX

At Nintendo headquarters, Mario was preparing for battle.

"Okay, paisans." he said. "The Cannonball is coming soon and we need to prepare."

"I agree, brother." said his brother Luigi. "But how?"

"Link is working on something right now." said Mario. "Soon, we can pick it up and get ready to go."

"And we can show that hedgehog a thing or two." said Luigi.

Mario then heard a chime that usually sounded when Link found an item. "Ah, it's ready."

Mario and Luigi headed to the loading dock to find Link working on a red Supra.

"Welcome to my lab." said Link. "Here's your first look at the Saikou. Like it?"

"It's-a ready!" said Mario. "Link, you've outdone yourself."

"Let's get ready to go." said Luigi.

The elfen warrior jumped into the car with the two Italian plumbers and the car was started.

"Hey, do you think we have a chance?" asked Link.

"Of course." said Mario. "If the machine should fail, and I'm sure it won't, we can rely on our skills."

XXXXXXXXXX

In the Mojave Desert, Michael Knight drove a silver Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution down the highway.

"So, what do you think of your new form, buddy?" he asked.

"I like it." said KITT, the car's computer. "It's practical, sleek, cozy."

"Cozy?" asked Michael. "KITT, if you don't like being small..."

"Oh, it's okay." said KITT. "Small is in. Small is, how you say, cool."

"Hey, who's that?" asked Michael as he spotted two men walking along the side of the road.

B.A. Baracus and Howling Mad Murdock walked down the highway.

"I'm telling you, we should have kept the SLF450X as a plane." said Murdock. "But no, Mr. Flying-Is-Too-Scary. We had to make it into a car. A car that caught fire when we started it and I think Billy was in there."

"Shut up, fool!" yelled B.A. "You know I hate flying!"

"Look, just because you're scared..." said Murdock.

"I ain't scared of nothin'!" yelled B.A. "Here comes a car. Let's get some help."

Michael pulled over. B.A. and Murdock were met with an open window. "Hey, you need a lift?" asked Michael.

"Hey thanks, man." said B.A. "We were getting ready for the Cannonball Run, but our car had a problem."

"Yeah, the problem was that the car was too on fire." said Murdock. "This set of wheels is nice. It doesn't sound stock, though."

"The Knight is far from stock." said Michael.

"Michael, I just ran a check on these two." said KITT. "They are B.A. Baracus and 'Howling Mad' Murdock, two members of the infamous A-Team."

B.A. looked at the dashboard in shock after realizing the car had just talked.

"Hey, who are you calling infamous?" asked Murdock. "We're members of the FAMOUS A-Team. If you have a problem with that, I'll take you apart piece by piece."

"He's on the jazz again." said B.A.

"I've heard of you guys." said Michael. "I'm also taking part in the Cannonball and I could use a couple of guys like you on my team."

"Michael, you're giving an offer to MEN?" asked KITT. "I thought you only gave offers to WOMEN."

"Right now, they're our best chance." said Michael. "So, what do you say?"

"I'm in." said B.A. as he climbed into the Knight.

"Me too." said Murdock as he jumped into the backseat.

"I'm Michael Knight, by the way." said Michael. "And this is KITT."

"We're in the Cannonball!" cheered Murdock.

"And we ain't flying!" chimed B.A.

XXXXXXXXXX

At Warioware Inc, Wario was preparing for battle.

"Okay, youse mugs." he said. "The Cannonball is coming soon and we need to prepare."

"I agree, brother." said his brother Waluigi. "But how?"

"Link is working on something right now." said Wario. "Soon, we can steal his idea and get ready to go."

"And we can show that other plumber a thing or two." said Waluigi.

Wario then heard a chime that usually sounded when Mario was defeated. "Ah, it's ready."

Wario and Waluigi headed to the dungeon to find Bowser watching a closed-circuit TV showing Link working on a red Supra. Next to Bowser was a blue Supra with a wide body kit.

"Welcome to my lab." said Bowser. "Here's your first look at the Saikou XS. Like it?"

"It's not ready!" said Wario. "Bowser, you incompetent moron!"

"Gimme a break! I was trying to copy what Link was doing." said Bowser. "I couldn't work on the car while I was watching him. What if I missed something?"

"We don't have time to fix it. We must get ready to go." said Waluigi.

The giant turtle-creature jumped into the car with the two evil plumbers and the car was started.

"Hey, do you think we have a chance?" asked Waluigi.

"Of course." said Wario. "If the machine should fail, AND I'M SURE IT WILL, we can rely on our secret plan."

XXXXXXXXXX

In Japan's Kitchen Stadium...

"(With the Cannonball Run fast approaching, I have had to organize my effort quickly.)" announced Chairman Kaga. "(I have tested my personel thoroughly and my best driver is none other than one of my Iron Chefs. He is one of the best Italian chefs in Japan and a truly daring individual. Without further delay, I must introduce my driver for the race, Iron Chef Italian Masahiko Kobe.)"
(Translated from Japanese.)

The curtains parted and Masahiko Kobe entered the arena. He walked up to the Chairman and shook his hand.

"(Iron Chef Kobe, thank you for coming.)" said the Chairman.

"(A pleasure to be here.)" said Kobe.

"(Now, Kobe.)" said Kaga. "(I'm sure you realize that a race around the world is an arduous task for two men. We will require a third team member for the journey and we will select him from your fellow Iron Chefs. And so, I summon the Iron Chefs!)"

Everyone's attention was focused on the elevating platforms at the back of the arena. On the platforms were Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai, Iron Chef Japanese Masaharu Morimoto, and Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi.

"(Since I have selected you as the primary driver, I shall allow you to decide our teammate.)" said Kaga. "(So, tell me. Who will it be!)"

"(Chen-san, please!)" called Kobe.

Chen smiled and stepped off the platform. He walked over to Kobe and shook hands with him.

"(Welcome to the team.)" said Kobe.

"(This will be fun.)" said Chen.

"(A special team requires a special car.)" said Kaga. "(And we have such a car for this team. We unveil the car!)"

He removed a cover from a frame at the center of the stage. A gunmetal grey Nissan Skyline rose on an elevating platform. Kobe and Chen looked at it and smiled.

"(The Cannonball car...Torque JX.)" said Kaga.

The Chairman and his Iron Chefs climbed into the car and got it started.

"(Let's add the Cannonball to our list of victories.)" said Chen.

"(Then, we're off.)" said Kobe.

"Allez racing!" called Kaga as they drove off.

XXXXXXXXXX

At Sunshine Autos, Vice City, Florida...

"Hello?" asked Max Payne. "Is anyone here?"

"Looking for me?" asked the man in the flowered shirt.

"I was the top finisher in the Cannonball qualifying run." said Max. "I was told I'd be teamed with you."

"That's true." said flowered shirt man. "My partner from last year decided to bow out of this one. Tommy Vercetti. Nice to meet you."

"Max Payne." introduced his teammate. "So where's the car?"

"Come on." said Tommy. "Let me show you."

The two men walked out of the showroom and down a ramp to the storage garages. Tommy led Max to one garage and opened it. Inside was a yellow sports car.

"Wow!" said Max. "That's a Saleen S7!"

"I call it the Veloci." said Tommy.

"Call it what you want, it's cool." said Max.

"Shall we?" asked Tommy as he flipped open the Veloci's door.

"We shall." said Max as he climbed in.

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in America, a skylight was pried open. Beneath it was a room full of police cars from around the world. The man who had done the prying stuck his hand through the gap and pointed around while making whirring sounds. Then, he and his partner dropped into the room.

"All clear." said Larvell Jones.

"Okay, guys." said Carey Mahoney. "It's safe."

Jones and Mahoney were followed by fellow police officers Eugene Tackleberry, Moses Hightower, Laverne Hooks, and Zed who all jumped on to the platform they were on and climbed down to the floor below. Officer Douglas Fackler climbed through the skylight and fell onto the car next to the platform, collapsing the suspension.

"I guess we won't use that one." said Mahoney.

"What are we doing here?" asked Hooks.

"They're running the Cannonball again and the organizers asked me to put together a protection force." said Mahoney. "We're here to get some cars."

"What about guns?" asked Tackleberry. "Where do we get guns?"

"Easy, Tack." said Hightower.

"Hey, Mahoney." said Jones. "Let's take this one." He pointed at a Crown Victoria police car from New York City.

"Nice choice, Jonesey." said Mahoney.

"I think this one will be ours." said Tackleberry as he looked at a Vauxhall Vectra police car from London.

"Looks nice." said Hightower. "Let's go."

"Ooh, I like this one." said Hooks as she looked at a Nissan 300ZX police car from Tokyo.

"Yeah, this one is pretty neat!" said Zed as he pointed at the Z emblem on the hood. "Hey, look. It's got my name on it. At least it would if this were England."

"Wait for me." said Fackler.

"Okay, guys." said Mahoney. "I'm honored that you all decided to join the protection team. There are some fine racers out there who need our help to avoid being the victims of somebody's evil schemes. So, let's go and meet our teammates and head for the starting line."

The officers climbed into their cars and drove out of the room. Outside, they found a man in a cowboy hat and a man in a varsity jacket waiting for them.

"Guys, meet your teammates." said Mahoney.

"Hi, folks." said the cowboy hat guy. "Cordell Walker, Texas Rangers."

"You can just call me Flash." said the varsity jacket guy.

"I understand we're going to be protecting the Cannonballers." said Walker. "We have no time to waste."

"Let's go." said Flash as he climbed into the London Patrol Car.

Walker climbed into the New York Police Car and they took off.

"So, tell me." said Walker. "Why do the Cannonballers need protection? They've never needed it before."

"Well, they've had problems two years in a row, so they kinda figured." said Mahoney. "Besides, one of the organizers was tipped off about a possible threat, so they're taking it seriously."

XXXXXXXXXX

In their office, Brock, J.J, and Victor made their plans.

"So, the Cannonballers have been notified?" asked Brock.

"They're on their way." said J.J.

"And the bridges?" asked Brock.

"They're up and heavily protected." said Victor.

"Good, I don't want a repeat of last year." said Brock.

"The ship has been chartered as well." said J.J.

"Excellent." said Brock. "What about our hosts and announcers?"

"We've got who we need." said Victor. "Here's one now."

Just then, "Amazing Race" host Phil Keoghan entered the office.

"Mr. Yates, the wild cards have been chosen." he said. "The qualifying run was a complete success."

"That's good to hear." said Brock. "Phil, how would you like to host the race?"

"I would be honored." said Phil.

"I must warn you that you will be sharing hosting duties with three others." said Brock. "In fact, two are here right now."

A large, muscular man and a smaller man wearing a fedora entered the office.

"Hello, Cannonball fans!" said the larger man. "Big Schwag here ready to host. And with me to cohost is my faithful companion, Frankie Whiteside."

"Thank you, Schwag." said the smaller man. "And we are in the office of race organizer Brock Yates."

"Guys, I would like you to meet your co-host." said Brock as he pointed out Phil.

"Wow, Phil Keoghan!" said Frankie.

"As well as the Big Schwag and Frankie Whiteside." said Phil. "Your work on 'Monster Garage' is exceptional."

"Hey, Phil." said Schwag. "Could you, you know, eliminate us?"

"Only if you express your disbelief." said Phil.

"Sure." said Schwag.

"Schwag and Frankie." said Phil. "You're the last team to arrive."

"What? No!" said Frankie.

"I'm sorry to tell you that you've both been eliminated from the race." said Phil.

"You gotta be kidding me!" yelled Schwag.

The men laughed and shook hands. "So, who and where is our other host?" asked Phil.

"Mr. X is bringing him now." said J.J. "It's none other than Shadoe Stevens from 'Hollywood Squares'."

Just then, Mr. X walked in with a rolled-up carpet over his shoulder.

"Guess who I have in here." he said.

"Going out on a limb." said Brock. "Shadoe Stevens?"

"Oh yes." said Mr. X. "He wouldn't give me the time of day, so I had to use the carpet. And here he is."

Mr. X then unrolled the carpet and a small, blonde man tumbled out.

"Wha? What's going on here?" whined the man.

"Uh, excuse me." said Phil. "But isn't Shadoe Stevens taller?"

"And isn't his voice much deeper?" asked Schwag.

"And isn't his hair brown?" asked Frankie.

"Hey, wait a minute!" said Victor. "That's not Shadoe Stevens! It's David Spade!"

"What's going on here?" asked David Spade.

"Mr. Spade, welcome to my office." said Brock. "Would you like a drink?"

"Root beer if you got it." said David. "Now what's going on?"

"Have you heard of the Cannonball Run?" asked Brock.

"I've heard of it." said David as Victor gave him a root beer in a glass. "I'd only love to really take part in it somehow. What about it?"

"We're running it again and we need another host." said Brock. "And since we don't have time to go after our original choice, we'd like you to host and announce."

David dropped the glass. "Seriously?" he asked.

"Along with Phil, Schwag, and Frankie, we'd like you to host." said Brock.

"Really?" asked David as he started to shed tears of joy. "I mean, really really?"

"Really." said Brock.

"Are you crying?" asked J.J.

"No." cried David.

"Brock, we have a problem." said Mr. X. "One of my insiders has informed me that a drug kingpin named Jimmy 'Dr. Feelgood' DeMarco plans to steal the prize money."

"How reliable is this insider?" asked Brock.

"He's untouchable." said Mr. X. "He's also undercover working for DeMarco, so he has easy access to the information."

"Do you have any ideas how to handle this situation?" asked Brock.

"Already done." said Mr. X. "I've contacted Officer Mahoney and his classmates from the Police Academy. They, in turn contacted a couple of other law enforcement agents to help them protect the Cannonballers. We also have one team that's actually working undercover to root out DeMarco's men. One final measure was to contact an old friend of mine."

"What's his name?" asked J.J. "Mr. Y?"

"No, he calls himself the 'Lone Wolf'." said Mr. X. "It wasn't easy tapping him. He doesn't usually perform missions like this. When he heard it was about the Cannonball, he stepped right up."

"Where is he now?" asked Victor.

"On his way to the meeting place." said Mr. X. "We're all set."

XXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in New England, the Lone Wolf rode towards the meeting place on his motorcycle.

"The Cannonball." he thought. "The ultimate auto race. It's hard to believe Mr. X has been working with the organizer Brock Yates. There are few in this world I can call 'friend'. Mr. X and my bike, the Nousagi, immediately come to mind. Now, he needs my help. I owe him much, I can't say no."

It's all the same, only the names will change.
Everyday it seems we're wasting away.
Another place where the faces are so cold.
I'd drive all night just to get back home.

I'm a cowboy.
On a steel horse I ride.
I'm wanted dead or alive.
Wanted dead or alive.

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days.
And the people I meet always go their separate ways.
Sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink.
And times when you're all alone all you do is think.

I'm a cowboy.
On a steel horse I ride.
I'm wanted dead or alive.
Wanted dead or alive.

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back.
I play for keeps, cause I might not make it back.
I been everywhere, still I'm standing tall.
I've seen a million faces, and I rocked them all.

I'm a cowboy.
On a steel horse I ride.
I'm wanted dead or alive.

I'm a cowboy.
I got the night on my side.
I'm wanted dead or alive.
Wanted dead or alive.

-"Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi