Cannonball Run 5: Overdrive

by BKelly95

Seven continents, fortytwo teams, two hundred and fifty million dollars in prize money, and one serious threat. This can only mean one thing: the Cannonball Run is back.

3. Party Time!

Cannonball Run 5: Overdrive

Part Three:Party Time!

AN:Okay, I promised myself not to keep you waiting long. So, here you go. After this, I will have chapters up as soon as I can complete them.
I see I'm getting reviews. Thank you for the reviews. I have to address one though.
To Charles Xavier-Sorry, but anime isn't exactly my strong suit. There will be anime characters in the Asia chapter.
Anyways, here we go.

XXXXXXXXXX

The Cannonballers gathered at the port of Boston as the Sea Phantom pulled into port. A helicopter flew overhead with the announcers and hosts on board.

"Wow, look at all those racers." said David Spade.

"We've got several returnees and a lot of new faces as well." said Phil Keoghan.

"Hey, Schwag! Look! It's Jesse!" yelled Frankie Whiteside.

"Really? Where?" said the Big Schwag.

"Next to that purple muscle car." said Frankie.

"Thanks, I see him now." said Schwag.

"Oh yeah, next to that guy with the shiny helmet." said David.

"Uh, he's not wearing a helmet." said Phil.

The helicopter landed on the ship and the hosts climbed out. J.J, Victor, Brock, and Mr. X stepped up to meet them.

"Welcome to the starting line." said Brock.

"Not to mention the site of the pre-race party." said J.J.

"Good to be here." said David.

"Hey, X, when does your friend arrive?" asked Victor.

"There he is." said Mr. X as he pointed to a motorcycle that was racing across the roof of a nearby warehouse.

Lone Wolf leaped the Nousagi from the warehouse to the boom of a gantry crane. From the boom, he jumped onto the deck of the ship. He steered towards the men and slid to a stop on his front wheel. After returning to both wheels, he climbed off his motorcycle and removed his helmet.

"Folks, meet Lone Wolf." said Mr. X.

"Hey, how you guys doing?" asked Lone Wolf.

"Pretty good now that you're here." said Brock. "Mr. X speaks highly of you."

"He does?" said Lone Wolf. "Whoa, I hope I live up to the hype."

"Hey, you wanna meet the band?" asked J.J.

"Oh, sure." said Lone Wolf.

"That would be nice." said David.

"Then come along." said Victor.

The men entered the ship's lounge and found Beck talking with the members of Coldplay. He was comparing baby pictures with Chris Martin.

"Here we have Apple just before we took her home from the hospital." said Chris.

"Very nice." said Beck. "One question: Apple?"

"Ask Gwyneth." said Chris.

"Aren't you afraid she's gonna get some teasing when she's older?" asked Beck. "Like they'll ask if she has a brother named Orange?"

Lenny Kravitz was talking with the members of Blues Traveler. Lead singer John Popper was showing off his harmonica.

"All you have to do is this." said John. He blew a note and added "And there ya go. With some practice, you could be very proficient within a year."

"Thanks, that's great." said Lenny. "You know, 'cause I was thinking of using a harmonica on the next album."

The Counting Crows were having a chat with LL Cool J.

"Can you explain how you were 'going back to Cali' when you're from New York?" asked Crows lead singer Adam Duritz.

"Hey, as soon as you explain who Maria is." said Cool J.

The members of Love Fist were having a conversation with Slash and Meat Loaf.

"So, tell us." said Meat Loaf. "Are you guys actually gonna sing or are you gonna pull an AshleeSimpson?"

"Of course we're gonna sing." said Jezz Torrent.

"I'll believe that when I see it." said Slash.

"You mean you actually have a face under that hair?" asked Jezz.

The members of Better Than Ezra were looking out the window at the field of cars.

"Hey, there's a Lotus." said lead singer Kevin Griffin.

"Nice to see you guys again." said a woman. The guys turned to see Sheryl Crow walking towards them.

"They called you too, huh, Sheryl?" asked Kevin.

"Are you kidding?" replied Sheryl. "I'm surprised they didn't call more than who's in this room."

"May I have your attention please?" asked Mr. X. The musicians all gathered around.

"So, this is our band." said J.J. "Let's see. Beck, Better Than Ezra, Blues Traveler, Coldplay, the Counting Crows, Sheryl Crow, Lenny Kravitz, LL Cool J, Love Fist, Meat Loaf, and Slash. Is this everyone?"

"No, it's not." said another man. Everyone turned to see...

"Brad Turner." said Victor.

...coming out of the restroom.

"I've got friends in the race." said Brad. "I had to come."

"We're just about ready to let the racers on board." said Brock. "Somebody want to give them some music?"

"I'll do it." said Kevin. "Guys?"

Tom Drummond and Travis MacNabb followed him.

"Need help?" asked Sheryl.

"Yeah and we also need a piano player." said Kevin.

"That's me." said Chris.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin sat on the hood of the PT Phoenix and laughed at Team Rocket in the Pirahna PDQ.

"What's so funny?" asked James.

"I can't believe they let you come back a third time." said Steve. "You gonna bomb this one like the last two?"

"Guess again." said Jessie. "This is the Pirahna PDQ. You know what that stands for? Pretty Damn Quick."

"May I have your attention please?" asked Brock over the loudspeaker.

"No." joked Max Payne.

"We're just about to let you board the ship." announced Brock. "But first, some entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, Better Than Ezra featuring Sheryl Crow and Chris Martin."

A cheer swept through the crowd as Chris started on his piano. Kevin followed with a guitar riff and his vocals.

Raindrops bead again.
Make a tidepool on your summer skin.
Shoplift the corner store.
Shoulda got, shoulda got some more.

How'd you get so low?
How'd you get so low?
Baby, I don't know.

God, how you look the same.
I recognize the face, but not the name.
Pull over, never stop.
A carmel-colored girl in a halter top.

How'd you get so low?
How'd you get so low?
She says

Me and you got a lot to do.
We go rolling from Friday to Sunday noon.
Stop, start a letter, rent-a-saint in back.
Wanna hit the interstate in a Cadillac
and we're rolling.
Yeah, we're rolling.

Several cars paraded through the crowd. Just then, Jaleel stopped and held out his hands. When he had a clear path, he raced down the strip doing a wheelie.

Could it be that hard?
Never mind the rent and you quit your job.
Flying at what cost?
Shout outs to the ones we lost.

How'd you get so low?
How'd you get so low?
Oh.

Don't mind me. Me, I'm fine.
Just get a little lost sometimes.
What I really meant to say,
I couldn't live without you another day.

How'd you get so low?
How'd you get so low?
She says

Me and you got a lot to do.
We go rolling from Friday to Sunday noon.
Stop, start a letter, rent-a-saint in back.
Wanna hit the interstate in a Cadillac.
And we're rolling.
Yeah, we're rolling.

Are you just worried to see me?
Are you just worried to need me

Jesse and Chester rolled past the Torrida. When he saw the Stadt, Xander smiled and made a gun motion. Buffy followed with a thumbs-up, and Willow waved her hand.

Francis drove by the Bestia next. Memphis lowered his sunglasses, Dominic nodded, and Jesse gave an "Ozzy Osbourne salute".

She says Me and you got a lot to do.
We go rolling from Friday to Sunday noon.
Stop, start a letter, rent-a-saint in back.
Wanna hit the interstate in a Cadillac.
And we're rolling.
Yeah, we're rolling.
On a Sunday afternoon.
Me and you, we're rolling.

-"Rolling" by Better Than Ezra

XXXXXXXXXX

The ship's loading ramp lowered and the cars started to drive aboard.

Super Dave pulled into a parking space. "I'll wait here." he said. "You sign us up."

"Okey dokey, Super." said Fuji as he climbed out and ran to the registration desk.

"Once that's taken care of, we're all set." said Super Dave.

Just then, the LA Cop Car raced up the ramp behind the Alarde. Marcus was still steering while Regis was working the pedals.

"Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!" yelled Marcus.

"I can't reach them!" yelled Regis.

The LA Cop Car plowed into the rear end of the Alarde and crushed it against the wall.

As Super Dave squealed for help, Marcus and Regis crawled out of the Cop Car. They still had their hands cuffed behind their backs.

"Hey, look who's here!" said Mad Max Rockatansky.

"Who?" asked Highway.

"Highway, meet Marcus and Regis Ellenstein." said Max. "Marcus, Regis, meet Highway, the Highwayman."

"Nice to meet you guys." said Highway.

"Nice to meet you too." said Regis. "I'd shake hands, but..." He and Marcus turned around to show them their handcuffs.

"Could somebody please get these off?" asked Marcus.

"Sure, no problem." said Max as he took out a hacksaw. "So, which hand do you write with?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Nash Bridges signed the necessary forms and asked the official "Do we really have to do this? We were in the qualifying run."

"I'm sorry, sir." said the official. "But everybody has to."

"Alright, just checking." said Nash as he handed the form to Joe. "Okay, let's sign the thing so we can get to the pre-race party."

"And then what?" asked Monk.

"And then your Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder kicks in." said Joe as he finished signing the form.

"Oh please!" said Monk as he started to sign the form. "My OCD is not that bad." He tried signing the form again and said "Could I have another pen? This one's dead."

"Of course." said the official as he handed him another pen. He started to sign his name again, then stopped again.

"Could I have another pen please?" he asked. "This one's the wrong color."

"Oh, we don't penalize for that." said the official.

"I think you'd better honor his request, bubba." said Nash. "He's already two stages beyond anything we've seen before."

Sam Malone signed Team Cheers into the race. "You know, we were in the qualifying run too." he said. "That's how we got in."

"Yes, sir." said the official. "Welcome to the race."

Sam returned to the team and said "Okay, guys, we're all signed up. I think it's time we took in the pre-race celebration."

"Yup, got a party to attend." said Cliff.

"Right behind you, Mr. Clavin." said Woody.

"I think I'll surprise everyone and go to the bar." said Norm.

Sam laughed as Norm walked off to the bar. Norm opened the door, entered the bar, and was greeted by a cry of "Norm!"

Sam stared in surprise.

"He's got a rep, Sammy." said Cliff.

XXXXXXXXXX

"The cars are currently boarding the ship." said David. "I guess it won't be long before we can set sail."

"I think this race is going to be an all-timer." said Phil.

"I think you're right." said Frankie. "There's a shooting star."

Schwag looked up at the shooting star. "That shooting star looks a lot like a Volkswagen." he said.

The Emu plunged through the Earth's atmosphere towards the ship. "Well, the good news is that we're almost through the Earth's atmosphere and I don't think we'll need the heat shield anymore." said Mike.

"That's good." said Tom. "Because the heat shield has COMPLETELY BURNED AWAY!"

"Michael J. Nelson, now would be a good time to use that parachute." said Crow. Gypsy just screamed in terror.

"Hold on." said Mike. He pulled a switch and a series of parachutes deployed.

"Descent has slowed to to point where we can make a safe landing." said Gypsy, now calm.

"Looks like we should prepare for a water landing." said Tom.

"Oh no, I forgot my rubber duckie." moaned Crow.

"No problem." said Mike as he pulled another switch and an inflatable raft enveloped the car's bottom.

The Emu glided gracefully through the air for a few more minutes, then touched down on the water with a light splash. The parachutes drifted down and covered the car.

"Splashdown has occurred." said Mike. "Welcome to Earth!"

Gypsy, Tom, and Crow cheered. "Okay, next on our list." said Mike. "We somehow get to shore, somehow get on the ship, and somehow register for the race.

Just then, Phil and David pulled the parachutes off the car and looked into the passenger compartment. It turned out they had landed in the ship's swimming pool, not the ocean.

"Or we can just skip to registering for the race." said Tom.

XXXXXXXXXX

After all the Cannonballers pulled on board, the protectors followed. Tackleberry pulled into the ship's cargo bay.

"London Patrol Car, Eugene Tackleberry." he said.

"Congratulations, you managed to take the last space." said the official.

"Thank you." said Tackleberry as he drove into the cargo bay to take his space. Mahoney pulled in next.

"New York Patrol Car, Carey Mahoney." he said.

"I'm sorry, officer." said the official. "He took the last space."

"What do we do now?" asked Walker.

"You guys get out here." said Mahoney. "I'll take care of it."

Jones and Walker climbed out of the car and Mahoney drove off.

"I don't know what he's looking for." said Jones. "All the spaces are clearly taken.

Mahoney raced around the cargo bay, then raced back towards the entrance. Along the way, he drove over a ramp and tilted the car onto its side wheels.

"Of course, he also has been known to do many things no one else..." said Jones as Mahoney drove by.

Walker saw him and yelled "Holy shit!"

Jones looked and yelled "Jesus!"

Mahoney then wedged the police car between the Victory and the Modo Prego and climbed out the window. "It fits!" he yelled. "Damn thing fits! And I thought there were no more spaces. Am I an idiot or what?"

XXXXXXXXXX

In the lounge, the betting parlor was set up. The band members gathered around to place their bets.

"I'd like to place a bet on the Torrida." said Chris Martin.

"A million dollars on the Knight." said Adam Duritz.

"I'm putting up a hundred grand on the PT Phoenix." said Sheryl Crow.

"Settle down, people!" called the pit boss, a black woman with a British accent. "My name is Nessa. I will be managing the betting on this race with the help of Chloe here." She pointed to a grumpy-looking blonde woman sitting in front of the computer. Chloe just waved. "Now then, if we can conduct the betting in a civilized manner, we shall get underway. Chloe, I believe Mr. Turner has a bet to make."

"Mr. Turner, what is your bet?" asked Chloe.

"I'll match Miss Crow's bet of a hundred grand." said Brad Turner.

"On who?" asked Chloe.

"On who else?" asked Brad. "The Boost. Those are my friends."

"Fine." said Chloe as she entered the information into the computer.

"Everybody, we are preparing to set sail soon." said Nessa. "If you'd like to wave goodbye to the fans, now is the time."

XXXXXXXXXX

Mr. X walked away from the ship and climbed into a black Ford Model A hot rod. He started it and drove off. He looked in the rearview at the Sea Phantom setting sail and said "Bon voyage."

The cruise ship pulled away from the dock and set sail for the Bermuda Triangle. The spectators waved to the ship while cheering. Within minutes, the ship was a good distance away.

It was then that an old DeSoto police car and a Buick Riviera pulled up to the docks. Sam and Max jumped out of the DeSoto.

"Consarn it! We missed the boat!" yelled Sam.

"Maybe we shouldn't have stopped for corndogs." said Max as he took another bite from his corndog.

"We need a plan." said Sam. "We have to get on that boat."

"Maybe we can rent a plane to fly us out there." said Max.

"Are you nuts?" asked Sam. "That boat's going to the Bermuda Triangle. No one's crazy enough to fly there."

"I know of someone." said Max. "We have to go to Miami."

"Time's a wasting." said Sam as he got back into the car. The driver of the Riviera watched them drive off and gave chase.

XXXXXXXXXX

On the ship, the Cannonballers began the pre-race party.

Richard Parker and Larry Wilson sat next to the late Bernie Lomax in deck chairs.

"You know, I don't think it'll be so bad travelling with Bernie." said Richard.

"Yeah, it's not like he's gonna talk our ears off." said Larry as he took a flyswatter and whacked a fly that landed on Bernie.

"We'll just leave him in the backseat and keep the air conditioner on full blast." said Richard.

"Maybe we should bring extra formaldahyde." joked Larry.

"Right now, I think we should get extra drinks." said Richard.

"I'm with you." said Larry. "Hey, Bernie. You want anything?"

Bernie said " "

"Guess not." said Larry.

XXXXXXXXXX

Agent K walked over to Mulder and said "I was just talking to the captain and he says we just entered the Bermuda Triangle."

"That's interesting." said Mulder. "Say, is it true that aliens cruise the Bermuda Triangle and perform abductions?"

"Nah." said K. "You listen to too many stories."

Suddenly, a flying saucer flew over to the side of the ship and an alien climbed out the top. "Excuse me." it said. "Do you know where I can find Roswell?"

"Oh yeah, it's about three thousand miles to the west." said K. "Just look for Marty's. Can't miss it."

"Thank you!" said the alien. The flying saucer flew off.

"What was that?" asked Mulder.

"What was what?" asked K. "I didn't see anything."

XXXXXXXXXX

Out by the pool...

"Looks like everything's in order here." said Tackleberry.

"Yeah, the Cannonballers are behaving themselves." said Hightower.

"Hey, guys!" yelled Zed. "Look what I found!" He climbed out of the pool and held up a bikini top.

"Where did you get that?" asked Hooks.

"It was just floating there." said Zed. "Someone must've taken it off someone."

"What do you got there?" asked Flash as he walked over.

"It's someone's bikini top." said Tackleberry.

"Guys, why is there a gulper eel in the pool?" asked Hooks.

The "gulper eel" surfaced. It was Gypsy. "Okay! Who took off my bikini top!" she demanded.

"Hello, Cannonballers! Big Schwag here ready to host the watersports competition as part of the pre-race party. We are currently accepting entrants for the competition, so if you think you got what it takes, step right up!"

The T-X morphed her outfit into a swimsuit and dove into the pool. "Come on in. The water's fine." she said.

"I will not." said the T-1000. "I detect the water is very cold and will cause a temperature sensor overload if I were to dive in."

"Did this guy just say he's not getting in the pool?" asked Jesse Richmond.

"Yeah!" said Chester. "Let's change his mind."

They picked up the T-1000 and carried him to the pool. Despite his protests, they threw him in. The T-1000 thrashed around in sensory overload, rewinding through his various transformations until he got used to the temperature and morphed into a swimsuit.

"Ten points off for horseplay!" called Schwag.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Cannonballers, lend me your ears." said Phil. "Welcome to the latest running of the Cannonball Run. A new race is waiting in the wings. No fewer than forty two teams are preparing to take part and show off how we..."

He was cut off by a woman's scream. Everybody looked to see Animal chasing Velma through the crowd while yelling "Woman! Woman!"

XXXXXXXXXX

At his home in Los Angeles, Shadoe Stevens watched the party while making lunch. "Boy, I wish I could do announcements for that someday." he said.

XXXXXXXXXX

Phil continued "Shortly, we shall be ready to run the race. I'm sure you're all itching to try out those killer strategies and devious plans, but for now, it's time to celebrate. And now, we give you the Cannonball band, featuring Beck, Better Than Ezra, Blues Traveller, Coldplay, Counting Crows, Sheryl Crow, Lenny Kravitz, LL Cool J, Meat Loaf, Love Fist, Slash, and Brad Turner. Here, we have a little party song to get things started. This is, of course, 'Party Hard'."

Richard and Larry returned to the deck. "It's party time." said Richard.

Larry looked at their deck chairs and said "Richard, where's Bernie?"

Richard looked and saw the deck chair was empty. "Oh God, we have to find him." he said.

"Right." said Larry. "I'll take port, you take starboard!"

When it's time to party, we will party hard.
Party hard.

You,
You work all night (all night)
And when you work, you don't feel alright.
And we,
We can't stop feeling alright. (alright)
And everything is alright.

'Cause we will never listen to your rules. (No)
And we will never do as others do. (No)
We do what we want and we get it from you.
We do what we like and we like what we do.

So, let's get a party going. (Let's get a party going)
Now it's time to party and we'll party hard. (Party hard)
Let's get a party going. (Let's get a party going)
When it's time to party, we will always party hard.
Party hard. Party hard. Party hard. Party hard. Party hard.
Party hard. Party hard. Party hard. Party hard. Party hard.

Richard and Larry returned to the deck.

"Did you find him?" asked Richard.

"Not a trace!" said Larry.

"Keep looking!" said Richard.

Larry turned and said "I found him."

"Where?" asked Richard.

"There!" yelled Larry as he pointed into the crowd. Bernie was crowd surfing.

Richard and Larry stared in horror as the crowd tossed Bernie into the air repeatedly.

Alright.
You.
You break the thing.
And when you play, you feel alright.
But we,
we can't stop feeling alright. (alright)
And everything is alright.

'Cause we will never listen to your rules. (No)
And we will never do as others do. (No)
Know what we want and we get it from you.
We do what we like and we like what we do.

So, let's get a party going. (Let's get a party going)
Now it's time to party and we'll party hard. (Party hard)
Let's get a party going. (Let's get a party going)
When it's time to party, we will always party hard.
Party hard. Party hard. Party hard. Party hard. Party hard.
Party hard. Party hard. Party hard. Party hard. Party hard.

-"Party Hard" by Andrew W.K.

The crowd cheered. "Alright." said Phil. "I'm sure that's got you going. Take in the party, because in short order, it will be time to race and that's when the real fun begins. I understand Chairman Kaga is holding a cooking competition in the ship's dining hall. For that, we go to Frankie Whiteside."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Thanks, Phil." said Frankie. "As you mentioned, the Chairman is in fact holding a cooking competition here in the dining hall. As expected, the competition will be performed 'Iron Chef' style. Hold on, here he is."

Chairman Kaga walked in to the applause of the field of racers. "If my memory serves me correctly," he said "there are both master and amateur chefs in this race. We have brought in not one, but two of those racers to compete in this makeshift Kitchen Stadium. These are two radically different competitors and they are here. For the first three-way Iron Chef battle, I introduce the first of the two competitors. Please give a welcome to...REESE!"

Malcolm's brother Reese walked into the Stadium and waved to the crowd. He walked up to the Chairman and shook his hand.

"Welcome, Reese." said Kaga.

"Nice to be here." said Reese.

"Before we go any further," said Kaga "I would like to introduce your competition. Everybody, I introduce...MICHAELANGELO!"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Michaelangelo entered the Stadium and gave a dual peace sign to the audience. He then walked up and gave the Chairman a handshake so elaborate, you'd think it was a gang initiation.

"Welcome, Michaelangelo." said Kaga.

"Mahalo, dude." said Michaelangelo.

"Now that we have introduced the competitors, we shall get into the competition." said Kaga. "I summon the Iron Chefs!"

Chen Kenichi and Masahiko Kobe walked out on stage.

"I believe it was Michaelangelo who won the coin toss backstage." said Kaga. "So, tell me. Who will it be!"

"Kobe-dude!" yelled Michaelangelo.

Kobe shook hands with Chen and walked out to take his place in the kitchen.

"With a worldwide race in the wings," said Kaga "it is only appropriate to use an ingredient that is revered worldwide. And so, we reveal the ingredient!"

He pulled the cover off of a table full of tomatoes. "Today's theme ingredient...tomatoes."

"Ah." said Kobe.

"Okay." said Reese.

"Rock!" yelled Michaelangelo.

"And now, we begin." said Kaga. "Ready! Set! Allez cuisine!"

The gong rang and the three chefs ran up to get some tomatoes.

XXXXXXXXXX

On the deck, Lone Wolf walked through the crowd smiling and evaluating the various Cannonballers. "Possible come-from-behind." he said. "Definite top five...Strong contender...Snowball's chance in Hell..."

He walked past Buffy, Willow, and Xander sitting on deck chairs. "Hey, Will." said Buffy. "Isn't he cute?"

"Hello?" said Willow. "Gay now."

"Oh, sorry." said Buffy. "Xander, isn't he cute?"

"Very funny." said Xander.

XXXXXXXXXX

In the ship's bar...

"Hello, ladies." said Regis. "Looking for something special?"

"Yeah." said Lara Croft. "Let us know when you find it."

Lara and her team walked away laughing.

"What?" asked Regis.

"Quite the ladies' man, huh?" asked Marcus.

"What?" asked Regis.

"Your problem is that you're trying too hard." said Marcus.

"What?" asked Regis.

"Does that happen to you often?" asked Cate Archer.

"More often than we like." said Chun Li. "Just once, I'd like to run across a guy who isn't a complete moron."

"Good afternoon." said James Bond.

"Well, if it isn't the legendary James Bond." said Joanna Dark.

"Nice to meet you, ladies." said James. "I assume you're familiar with my friend here, Jaws."

"Hi, girls." said Jaws.

"It's like a superspy reunion." said Cate.

"I haven't seen you since the race two years ago." said James.

"Did you say you were in the race two years ago?" asked Matt Trakker.

"Yes, I did." said James. "Why do you ask?"

"Many of the vehicles used were based on our designs." said Bruce Sato. "We're trying to find our information leak."

"I'd have to talk to R about that." said James.

"I'm afraid I don't have any information for you either." said Lara. "My teammates were responsible for the construction of the Stiletto."

"Thanks anyway." sighed Matt.

"So, are there any other people from the intelligence community in the race?" asked Joanna.

"Well, I heard that Ethan Hunt and Solid Snake were in the race as well." said James. "I wonder where they are."

XXXXXXXXXX

In the cargo hold...

"I used these to find and disarm bombs on that oil rig." said Solid Snake as he held a bomb sniffer and a can of coolant. "Maybe we can use them to get that bomb out of the car."

"Hope so." said Ethan. "Don't want this thing blowing sky high with us in it."

"Who's there?" yelled someone. A tough looking guy entered the hold with his gun pointed at Ethan and Snake.

"I'm Ethan Hunt and this is Solid Snake." said Ethan. "Who are you?"

"Danny McCoy, security chief at the Montecito in Vegas." said the man. "I came with Nessa to manage security at Cannonball headquarters. What are you doing here?"

"We're performing a little maintenance." said Snake. "We're removing something the car's previous owner left in the car. It might cause a few problems down the road."

"Okay, but I'm having someone watch you." said Danny. "He'll be along shortly."

"Thank you." said Ethan. "We won't disappoint you."

XXXXXXXXXX

Back in the bar...

"I am here with one member of last year's winning team." said Phil as he stood next to Homer Simpson. "Mr. Simpson, I understand you were with the victorious team last year."

"I was!" yelled Homer.

"Yes, you were." said Phil.

"Yes, I was." said Homer.

"What do you think are your chances for winning this race?" asked Phil.

Homer scoffed. "Child's play." he said. "I am completely certain that my family will once again taste victory. Mmmmm...victory."

Norm was sitting at the bar. "I'm telling you," he said "we have absolutely no place like this in Boston."

Lara and her team sat at a nearby table. "So, what do you think of our competition this year?" asked Lara.

"No trouble at all." said Joanna. "I think we might have a better chance this year."

"I agree." said Chun Li. "Our previous experience will come in pretty handy."

"Don't ask me." said Cate. "I'm a rookie here."

Just then, Lone Wolf entered. He walked around, smiling at everyone.

"Hello." said Cate.

"Who's the hunk?" asked Joanna.

"I dunno, but I hope he comes over here." said Chun Li.

"And you must be Lara Croft." said Lone Wolf.

"Well, I guess you've done your homework." said Lara.

"Actually, figuring out who you were was no trouble." said Lone Wolf. "Mr. X described you nicely."

"Mr. X?" asked Joanna.

"Yes, he hired me as part of the protection force." said Lone Wolf.

"So, you're not a competitor." said Chun Li.

"No, I'm not." said Lone Wolf.

"Well, nice to know there's no conflict of interest." said Lara.

"I see." said Lone Wolf. "Well, if you'll excuse me, I have more patrols to perform."

Lara and her team talked about Lone Wolf as he walked away. "Nice girls." he thought.

XXXXXXXXXX

On the Lido deck, Nash entered the stateroom he was sharing with his teammates. He found Joe sitting on the bed and Monk staring out the window.

"Adrian, you're back already?" asked Nash.

"He never left." said Joe.

"Is this one of those viral outbreak ships?" asked Monk.

Nash looked into the hallway, then closed the door. "Alright, let's get down to it."

"Okay, what's the deal?" asked Joe.

"The truth is that we are not an official entry." said Nash. "We're actually in this as an undercover security team."

"We're working with the other security teams to help protect the racers from someone trying to steal the prize money." said Monk.

"Why are you so concerned?" asked Joe.

"Last year, a cabal of supervillains attempted to steal the prize money too." said Nash. "In the process, they tried to kill or slow down the racers to buy themselves enough time to pull off their heist."

"There was a nasty gun battle in Australia." said Monk. "Because of it, there was a ban on weapons this year."

"The racers are only allowed to have personal weapons." said Nash.

"Do we have any idea who this guy is?" asked Joe.

"Not a clue." said Monk.

"Mr. X knows, but we can't talk to him." said Nash. "If we are seen talking to him, someone's going to find out we're in cahoots and our cover is blown."

"So, what do we do?" asked Joe. "Race until someone attacks us and then try to stop them?"

"That's the plan." said Nash.

"That's great." said Joe.

XXXXXXXXXX

In the bar, Mario's team found Sonic's team.

"Well, it looks like this little game continues." said Sonic.

"Si, si." said Mario. "Perhaps this-a time, there will be a clear winner."

"And we all know who that will be." said Knuckles.

"Yeah, us." said Link.

"Not necessarily." said Tails.

"Face it, it's gonna be us to win." said Luigi.

"Or maybe a third party." said another voice.

Everyone turned to see...

"Wario!" said Mario.

"Yes, indeed." said Wario. "I plan to show up my old friend by snatching victory away from him. I also plan to embarrass him by besting his nemesis Sonic. It will be glorious."

"No chance!" said Sonic. "You'll have to beat me first."

"No, he'll have to beat-a me first." said Mario.

"We're the ones he's gotta beat." said Knuckles.

"Here we go again." said Luigi.

XXXXXXXXXX

"So, Butler." said Artemis Fowl. "Do you think I can take that climbing wall?"

"Of course, sir." said Butler. "Just remember to pace yourself."

"Is that a biplane?" asked Artemis.

"Looks like it." said Butler. "What is it doing here?"

On the biplane, Sam and Max rode in back as the plane approached the ship.

"I love the Triangle." said the pilot.

"I don't see much to impress me yet." said Max.

"Hey, I've got a joke." said the pilot. "Why do they call this a biplane? Because you never know if it's coming back."

Sam and Max let out a groan. "Hey, there's our destination!" said Sam.

"That's what the parachute's for." said the pilot. "Happy landings."

Sam picked up Max by the ears and jumped out of the plane. In mid-freefall, Sam pulled the ripcord and glided towards the ship. The parachute got hung up on the railing of the ship's top deck. Sam and Max were left hanging over Artemis and Butler.

"That's quite an entrance." said Artemis.

"Thanks." said Sam. "We're looking for someone who might be driving a Ford Escorth Cosworth in the race. Know where we might find them?"

"That sounds like that nerd and that biker." said Butler.

"Nerd? Biker?" said Sam. "Any names?"

"Bernard and Ben, I believe." said Artemis.

"He looks good, Sam." said Max. "Can we hang him in the den?"

Sam punished his friend by letting go of his ears and dropping him face-first onto the deck.

"You suck, Sam." said Max.

"Thanks, we'll poke an eye out." said Sam.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Well, ladies." said James from Team Rocket. "I'm going to hit the can."

"I think I'll go to the litterbox too." said Meowth.

When the male members of Team Rocket left, the girls started talking to each other. "Do you really think we have a chance this year?" asked Jessie.

"Not a chance." said Annie. "Don't you know our history?"

"She's right." said Oakley. "I don't even know why we're taking part."

Just then, Lone Wolf walked into the bar.

"I stand corrected." said Oakley.

"Ooh, I like." said Jessie.

"Hey, ladies." said Lone Wolf. "How's it going?"

"Very well now that you're here." said Annie.

"So, what team are you with?" asked Lone Wolf.

"We're Team Rocket." said Jessie proudly.

"Oh, I've heard of you." said Lone Wolf. He then thought "Oh my God! Not THESE guys! Mr. X warned me about them!"

"And what team are you with?" asked Oakley.

"Oh, I'm not with a team." said Lone Wolf. "I'm actually part of the governing body. I'm one of the protectors."

"Really?" asked Jessie.

"Well, nice talking with you all." said Lone Wolf. He walked away just as James and Meowth returned.

"Did I miss anything?" asked James.

XXXXXXXXXX

Out by the pool...

"Ladies and gentlemen," announced Schwag "the swimming competition is about to get underway. Our competitors are...Jesse Richmond and Chester Greenburg..."

Jesse and Chester sat at the edge of the pool wearing red and blue bathing suits.

"...the T-1000 and T-X..."

The T-1000 sat near Jesse and Chester in a yellow bathing suit while the T-X sat near him in a purple bikini.

"...and Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo."

Crow sat near them wearing green swim trunks and orange floaters on his arms. Tom sat next to him in a pink bikini.

"Damn you, Crow." muttered Tom. "Why do you always have to dress me in women's clothing?"

"The first part of the event will be a relay race." announced Schwag. "First, one member of the team will swim across the pool and back, then his or her partner will repeat said action. The first ones are Jesse Richmond, the T-1000, and Crow T. Robot."

Jesse, the T-1000, and Crow took their marks.

"Ready." said Schwag. "Set. Go!"

The three dove into the pool and started swimming. The T-1000 took an early lead by morphing into a dolphin. Crow fell into last because his hands were just frames.

Not surprisingly, the T-1000 completed his lap first and the T-X took over for him. Jesse followed shortly afterward and let Chester have his turn. Chester did a belly flop and started swimming.

Crow finally reached the end of his lap and said "Go get 'em, Servo! And see if you can find my lost floater."

"I'm on it, Crow." said Tom as he hopped into the pool. Tom propelled himself across the pool with his hover unit until he stopped and started to sink. "Crow, I found your floater! It's up my hoverdrive!" he yelled.

"As you can see, we have a little trouble out there." said Schwag. "Over to you, Dave, until we can sort this out."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Thanks, Schwag." said David. "Hello, folks. David Spade here. The party is fully underway. We are seeing some incredible entertainment both from and for our racers. Meanwhile, the transcontinental bridges are under construction. We now go to our reporters on the scene."

XXXXXXXXXX

In Alaska, several construction vehicles were driving away from a freshly-built bridge. A crane had its boom up and was holding a spreader bar with a banner reading "Mission Accomplished".

A man and a woman stood nearby. "This is Jack O'Neil and Heather Scott reporting from Alaska." he said.

In California, amateur magician-turned construction company head George Oscar "Gob" Bluth watched the report. His brother Michael walked in.

"What's up?" asked Michael.

"Michael, I want you to see this." said Gob. He grinned as he directed Michael to the television.

Michael walked over to watch the report.

"And these bridges are to be used in the Cannonball Run?" asked Heather.

"That's correct." said the foreman. "We have constructed these bridges as part of the race. All continents have been connected."

"That sounds like a massive undertaking." said Jack.

"Indeed it was." said the foreman. "That's why the race organizers contacted our company to build them."

"What company was that?" asked Heather.

"Why, Bluth Construction of course." said the foreman.

"No way!" said Michael. "You got the contract to do the bridges for the Cannonball? How did you swing that?"

"It was..." said Gob before whipping his hand and making a bouquet of flowers appear in his hand. "...magic!"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Now, I understand there are several new participants in addition to the returnees, right?" asked David.

"You are correct." said Phil. "I am here with three of the new competitors in the race whom I shall interview now." He walked over and asked "Sir, what's your name, hometown, and occupation?"

"My name is Hank Hill. I'm from Arlen, Texas. I sell propane and propane accessories."

"What vehicle are you driving in the race?" asked Phil.

"I am driving the Jones J450." said Hank. "It's a fine performance truck which I am driving with my son and three of my friends."

"Hey, Hank!" yelled Dale. "Tell them about your narrow urethra!"

"Dangit, Dale!" yelled Hank as he went after Dale.

"While he goes to reduce the membership of his team," said Phil "let's move on to this fine gentleman who needs no introduction. Mr. Jesse James."

"How's it going, Phil?" asked Jesse.

"Very well, Jesse." said Phil. "What car is your team in?"

"The 1971 Bestia." said Jesse. "Nine-hundred horsepower of American muscle."

"Tell me, what is your motivation for entering the Cannonball?" asked Phil.

"Are you kidding?" asked Jesse. "High speed driving? Incredible danger at every turn? It's just the chaos of this all that makes it so cool."

"I knew you'd understand." said Phil. "And you, sir?"

"Cliff Clavin, U.S. Postal Service in Boston."

"What team are you with and what car?" asked Phil.

"Team Cheers and the Citi." said Cliff.

"Do you think you have a good chance?" asked Phil.

"Does anybody really?" asked Cliff.

"Very confident." said Phil. "Well, thank you very much."

"You know, it's a little known fact," said Cliff "but the original Cannonball Run was a simple balls-to-the-wall cross country sprint. The full name was the Cannonball Baker Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash."

"Thank you, sir." said Phil.

"The ideas were first plotted back in 1965." said Cliff. "Back then, Brock Yates was talking with other journalists about high speed cross country runs."

"Thank you very much, sir." said Phil as he took a step away from Cliff.

"The first run was performed in '71." said Cliff as he followed. Phil broke into a jog with Cliff right behind him. "Brock drove with his son and two other drivers in a van called Moon Trash II." He and Phil upgraded to a run. "The initial run was a somewhat disappointing forty hours and fifty-one minutes."

"We've never had a foot pursuit before!" said David as Cliff chased Phil past him. "Anyways, we have a cooking competition going on. Over to you, Frankie."

XXXXXXXXXX

"It is now ten minutes into the cooking competition." said Frankie. "So, let's meet the judges. First up is paranormal enforcer Peter Venkman."

"How you doing, Frankie?" asked Peter.

"Just fine." said Frankie. "Are you looking forward to the race?"

"You bet I am." said Peter.

"Alright." said Frankie. "Next up, we have race car driver Gloria Baker."

"A pleasure to be here." said Gloria.

"You drive race cars for a living." said Frankie. "Do you think that gives you and your team an advantage?"

"Possibly." said Gloria. "Of course, it's been a while since I've raced around the world on public roads."

"Good answer." said Frankie. "Over here, we have Tommy Vercetti. He has done so much in Vice City, we can't even list it all."

"Nor should you." said Tommy.

"Tommy, you were in the race last year." said Frankie. "Do you think your additional experience will give you a better chance?"

"All I know is I've got a car, it's fast, and I'm not laying down." said Tommy. "How does that sound?"

"Pretty confident if you ask me." said Frankie. "And finally, we have Buckaroo Banzai. Particle physicist, rock musician, brain surgeon. Is there anything he can't do?"

"In due time, we'll see if I can't win this race." said Buckaroo. "The competition is really fierce this year."

"Last year, there was some controversy over your team's use of the Oscillator..." said Frankie.

"You mean the Oscillation Overthruster." said Buckaroo. "Yes, that was kind of unfortunate. However, we plan to play by the rules this year, so there should be no controversy."

"Thank you very much." said Frankie. "We shall see who wins the race, but for now, we'll see who wins this cooking competition. Whose cuisine will reign supreme?"

Just then, Michaelangelo walked over, dropped a pizza on the table, and said "Tada!" Everybody stared at him in surprise. "What? I thought this was a race." he said.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Thank you, Frankie." said David. "Now, I'm sure you all would like to meet this next guy. He's the guy who managed to get the word out about this race. He's also the reason the people at home are watching. Please give a warm welcome to George Newman."

The crowd went crazy as George walked out on stage.

"I know this guy." said Dr. John Dorian. "He's got a music show on U62."

"Get out. You watch U62?" asked Agent J.

"Oh yeah." said J.D. "It's the only channel they let us watch on break at Sacred Heart."

"I watch it for a friend." said J. "He's developed a formula to turn ordinary household items into plutonium. He used to work at U62."

"You ever watch this guy's show?" asked J.D. "It's really bizarre. He takes popular songs and sets them to polka music."

"Yeah, it's nuts." said J. "I still remember the time he took songs by the Stones and made a medley set to polka music."

"Mr. Newman, I understand you are taking part in the race yourself." said David.

"That is correct." said George. "I am in fact taking part in the race with Stanley and Kuni. Our car is the Super Taxi and like everyone else, we'll try our best."

"Do you have anything planned for entertainment?" asked David.

"Funny you should ask." said George. "I actually have something I was going to ask to do. Kuni?"

Kuni walked through the crowd with a box.

"I wonder what's in the box." said J.D. "Oh no. He wouldn't."

Kuni handed the box to George. George opened it and took out an accordian.

"He shouldn't!" said J.

"Alright." said George. "I'm going to try to break my record for most songs in one of my medleys."

"What's the current record?" asked David.

"Twenty-seven." said George "So anyway. Polka!"

The drummer let out a long drum roll, then the rest of the band followed.

One foot on the brake and one on the gas.
There's too much traffic, man, I just can't pass.
I try my best illegal move
then a black and white come and touch my groove again.

Go on and write me up for one-twenty-five.
Post my face 'Wanted: Dead or Alive.'
Take my license and all that jive.
'Cause I...can't...drive
fifty-five!

We're gonna make it.
We'll reach the top!
We're gonna make it.
And then
We're never gonna stop.

I'm a mean machine.
I'm the kind you don't wanna meet.
My middle name is trouble.
I'm a danger in the street.

Here I come.
Better step aside.
Here I come.
Comin' atcha live.

Coming at you live.
I'm comin' atcha live.
Coming at you live.
I'm comin' atcha live.
Coming at you live.
You better step aside.
Coming at you live.
Ow! Ow!

I'm heading out to the highway.
I got nothing to lose at all.
Going to do this my way.
Taking a chance before I fall.
I got nothing...to lose...at all.

We can't afford to be innocent.
Stand up and face the enemy.
It's a do or die situation.
We will be invincible.

And with the power of conviction,
there is no sacrifice.
It's a do or die situation.
We will be invincible.

Get your motor running.
Head out on the highway.
Lookin' for adventure
and whatever comes our way.

Yeah, baby. Go and make it happen.
Take the world in a love embrace.
Fire all of your guns at once
and shoot off into space.

Like a true nature's child,
we were born, born to be wild.
We can climb so high,
we're never gonna die.

Born to be wild!
Born to be wild!

Nobody thinks the way I do.
I guess that nobody cares.
Your head's so full of things,
so set your mind free of them.
I'm breaking the rules.

Sprung from cages on highway nine,
chrome-wheeled, fuel-injected and stepping out over the line.
Baby, this town rips the bones from your back.
It's a death trap. It's a suicide rap.
We gotta get out while we're young.
'Cause tramps like us, baby, we were born to run

Then George slowed it down to a lounge beat.

California knows how to party.
California knows how to party.
In the city of L.A.
In the city of good ol' Watts.
In the city of Compton.
We keep it rockin'
We keep it rockin'

George then switched back to polka and said "I like this one."

I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes
and before long, they were cloning DNA.
Now I'm being chased by some irate velociraptors.
Well, believe me. This has been one lousy day.

Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark.
All the dinosaurs are running wild.
Someone shut the fence off in the rain.
I admit it's kind of eerie,
but this proves my chaos theory
and I'm never coming back this way again.
Oh no!

Oh, on I burn.
Fuel is pumping engines.
Burning hard loose and clean.

Churning my direction.
Quench my thirst with gasoline.

Gimme fuel, gimme fire,
gimme that which I desire.

It's amazing.
With the blink of an eye,
you finally see the light.
It's amazing.
That when the moment arrives,
you know you'll be alright.
It's amazing.
And I'm saying a prayer
for the desperate hearts tonight.

Pinning the needle.
Cruising for midnight thrills.
Stuck in the middle.
We were just spinning our wheels.
Pushin' the pedal.
Listen to the tires squeal.
We were layin' rubber (layin' rubber)
Layin' rubber (layin' rubber)

Laying in your bed and on a Saturday night.
You're sweating buckets and it's not even hot.
But your brain has got the message and it's sending it out
to every nerve and muscle you've got.

You and me, we're goin' nowhere slowly
and we've gotta get away from the past.
There's nothing wrong with goin' nowhere, baby,
but we should be goin' nowhere fast.

We've gotta pull ourselves together,
hey hey hey, that's what I say.
We've gotta pull ourselves together,
hey hey hey, now hear me say.
We've got to drive right into the fire,
and start burning, burning, burning.
We're motorvatin.
We're motorvatin'.

Faces come, the faces go,
all looking for someone to be.
I don't mind. I do fine.
There's nowhere that I'd rather be.

It's a mainline
fast road to nowhere.

End of the week, cut me loose.
Head for the town tonight.
Fuel injected flat black chrome.
It's enough to start a fight.
Looking for girls, looking for love,
looking for a little fun.
If you're looking for trouble, just get in my way,
'Cause I'm looking out for number one.

Drive down.
Saturday night's the best.
Only way around.
Is my mean street machine.
Drive down.
Saturday night's the best.
Only way around.
Is my mean street machine.

I can hardly wait to hold you,
feel my arms around you.
How long I have waited,
waited just to love you.
Now that I have found you,
don't ever go.

Life in the fast lane,
surely make you lose your mind.
Life in the fast lane,
everything all the time.
Life in the fast lane,
un huh.

Soon it will be time to go.
I don't want to leave, I guess you know.
Maybe something new will come up
and I can come home for just a few more days.

Get off this two-lane highway.
Goin' my way
movin' fast.
Two-lane highway.
is taking me home,
home at last.

(Speed Demon)
Speedin' on the freeway.
Gotta get a leadway.
(Speed Demon)
Doin' it on the highway.
Gotta have it my way.
(Speed Demon)
Mind is like a compass
I'm stoppin' at nothin'
(Speed Demon)
(He'd say) Pull over boy
and got your ticket right...

Road trippin' with my two favorite allies.
Fully loaded, we've got snacks and supplies.
It's time to leave this town.
It's time to steal away.
Let's go get lost.
Anywhere in the U.S.A.
Let's go get lost.
Let's go get lost.

Sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
And there's nowhere to turn
You wonder how you keep going
Think of all the things that really mattered
And the chances you've earned
The fire in your heart is growing
You can fly, if you try leaving the past behind
Heaven only knows what you might find.

Dare-dare to believe you can survive.
You hold the future in your hand
Dare-dare to keep all your dreams alive.
It's time to take a stand.
And you can win, if you dare.

You got the touch
You got the power

After all is said and done
You've never walked, you've never run
You're a winner

You got the moves, you know the streets
Break the rules, take the heat
You're nobody's fool

You're at your best when the going gets tough
You've been put to the test, but it's never enough.

We want fun and you better believe it.
We want fun 'cause we desperately need it.
We want fun, but you don't understand.
...you gotta Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Make me a man.

We want fun and you better believe it.
We want fun, either take it or leave it.
We want fun and we're gonna get pasted.
We want to have fun and we want to get wasted.

Get a grip on the action.
Moving heaven and earth.
Gotta get a reaction.
Push for all that you're worth.

Rock hard!
Ride free!
All day, all night.
Rock hard!
Ride free!
All your life.

All around the world.
Gotta spread the word.
Tell them what you heard.
We're gonna make a better day.

All around the world.
Gotta spread the word.
Tell them what you heard.
You know it's gonna be okay.

Take...on...me.
Take on me.
Take...me...on.
Take on me.
I'll...be...gone.
In a DAAAAAAAYY!

Glass breaking was heard

Woo hoo!
When I feel heavy metal!
Woo hoo!
And I'm pins and I'm needles!
Woo hoo!
Well, I lie and I'm easy
all of the time, but I'm never sure
why I need you.
Pleased to meet you!

And it all begins where it ends.
And she's all mine, my magic friend.

She says:
Hello, you fool.
I love you.
Come on, join the joyride.
Join the joyride.
Hello, you fool.
I love you.
Come on, join the joyride.
Be a joyrider.

It's okay, don't apologize.
You don't know what you're striving for.
You never seem to try.
It's too early, go live your life.
Keep on moving, it's time to
Ride!
Ride!
Ride!
Now, it's time to ride!
Ride!
Ride!
Ride!

We're on a road to nowhere.
Come on inside.
Taking that ride to nowhere.
We'll take that ride.
Feeling okay this morning
and you know.
We're on a road to paradise.
Here we go.
Here we go.

We're on a road to nowhere.
Hey!
Hey!
We're on a road to nowhere.
Hey!
Hey!
We're on a road to nowhere.
Hey!
Hey!
We're
on
a
road to nowhere.
Road to nowhere.
Road to nowhere.

Hey!

-"Cannonball Polka", a compilation of songs from "Cannonball Run 4", all chosen by Turbo Man for that fic, except for the last five which were chosen by me for the qualifying run.

The crowd cheered. "Alright, people!" called David. "Stick around! We've got more to come!"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Come on, Ben." said Bernard after he had changed into a swimsuit.

"I'm not coming out." said Ben from their stateroom.

"Come on, it'll be fun." said Bernard.

Ben groaned and walked out of the room wearing a swimsuit.

"I'll hold you to that." said Ben.

"Are you Ben and Bernard?" asked Sam as he and Max entered.

"Yes." said Bernard. "May I ask why?"

"It's just that your car is stolen and we'd like to return it to its rightful owner." said Sam.

"Stolen?" asked Bernard.

"I'm innocent." said Ben.

"Yeah, and I'm peaceful and kindhearted." said Max.

"What did you say?" asked Ben.

"Not again!" said Sam.

"What's this about the car being stolen?" asked Bernard.

"Look, just give us the keys and we'll be on our way." said Sam.

"We can't." said Bernard. "It's our entry in the Cannonball and there's 250,000,000 on the line."

"Did you say 250,000,000?" asked Sam.

"Yes, he did." said Ben.

"You know, I'm a little apprehensive about taking the car off your hands now." said Sam.

"I'm sure our clients can wait." said Max. "After all, they don't deserve such a nice car."

"Need two more?" asked Sam.

"Terrific." groaned Ben. "Now we have to split it four ways."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, after three events," said Schwag "it's unbelievable, but we have a tie! The T-1000 and T-X took home a victory in the swimming relay, but faltered in the syncronized swimming event and were dead center in the three-way water polo event. Jesse and Chester finished second in the swimming relay and won synchronized swimming, but failed to make a single goal in water polo. Crow and Tom went belly up in the swimming relay, but came from behind to come in second in synchronized swimming and were the big winners in water polo."

"Man, Jesse!" said Chester. "How did we bomb water polo so badly?"

"I thought he said 'Marco Polo'." said Jesse.

"We were completely unprepared for a tie." said Schwag. "However, we do have one more event in the swimming competition to break the tie: the high dive!"

"Did he say diving?" asked Crow.

"Since they won the last event, Crow and Tom will go first." said Schwag.

Crow climbed the ladder to the diving board and walked to the end. "Here we go." he said. He bounced on the board a couple of times, then dove. A couple of seconds later, he hit the water...and shattered.

"Oh boy." said Tom. "I'm guessing that wasn't a win."

"We're going to try to get this guy out of the water and back together." said Schwag. "As soon as he's out, the T-1000 can make his dive."

A crewman scooped some of Crow's parts out of the pool. He dropped Crow's head next to Tom.

"Crow, are you alright?" asked Tom.

"Ask me again when I have a finger to give you." said Crow.

"Okay, the gold guy's out of the pool." said Schwag. "It's time for the next one."

The T-1000 made a couple of bounces on the diving board then dove off, morphed into a bullet shape, and pierced the water very smoothly.

"Not bad." said Schwag. "I think we might have a winner."

"Showoff." said the T-X as the T-1000 climbed out of the pool.

"What?" asked the T-1000.

"How are you going to follow that?" asked Chester.

"Watch." said Jesse. He walked over to the ladder, climbed it, and walked out on the diving board.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse is about to make his dive." said Schwag. "He's got a lot to face up to. You saw the T-1000."

Jesse bounced on the board a couple of times, then jumped off, pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around his knees, and hit the water with the biggest splash they'd ever seen.

"Yes!" yelled Schwag. "That's what we were going for! The infamous Cannonball dive! Jesse has performed the dive bearing the race's name! He has remembered the reason we are all here! I think we have a winner!"

The crowd cheered as Jesse climbed out of the pool.

"Jesse, we won!" yelled Chester.

"We won?" asked Jesse.

"We won!" yelled Chester. "We kicked their tails!"

"Yeah!" yelled Jesse.

They wiggled their fingers together and squealed "Shibby!"

XXXXXXXXXX

"And now it is time for tasting and judging." said Kaga. "Or at least for the ones who did not finish early."

"Sorry, man!" said Michaelangelo. "I get impatient when it comes to pizza."

"As per the rules of the Iron Chef competition," said Kaga "the challenger, or at least the only one left, goes first."

"I decided to try my best at accentuating one particular aspect of the tomatoes with this dish." explained Reese.

"You know," said Peter as he sampled the dish "this tastes kind of...unique. I can't quite describe it. I'm sure Slimer might like this. So tell me, what aspect of the tomatoes did you try to accentuate?"

"The acidity." said Reese.

"Why did you try to..." asked Peter before clutching his stomach. "As I was saying, why did you try to..." he repeated before clutching his stomach again. "Excuse me." He jumped up and ran for the bathroom.

"I agree about the uniqueness." said Gloria as she began scooping up another forkful. "I can't really place it either. It is pretty acidy, though." Then she clutched her stomach and slowly stood up. "I'll be right back." she said before running after Peter.

Tommy didn't even get off a comment. He just ran from the table while holding his hands over his mouth. "You work for the Forellis, don't you?" he yelled as entered the bathroom.

Buckaroo and Kaga didn't even get a chance to eat the dish. When they noticed the others getting sick, they decided not to eat.

Kobe and Michaelagelo stared in shock while Reese grinned evilly.

XXXXXXXXXX

In the bar, Hsu and Chan talked to Brock.

"You want to do what?" asked Brock.

"We wish to use your likeness in a game produced by Tanaka Games." said Hsu. "It will be based on the Cannonball World Tour."

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" asked Brock.

"We've made racing games before." said Chan. "We know what we're doing."

"Are you going to try to make the racing environment as authentic as possible?" asked Brock. "And how?"

"Of course we are!" said Hsu. "We're going to be travelling through the area for the race. We'll be getting pictures and such on the journey."

"And what about the cars?" asked Brock. "Licensed?"

"It should be no problem." said Chan. "Most car companies are okay with street racing games nowadays and will allow us to use their models."

"Except for those pretentious snobs at Honda." sneered Hsu.

"Pansies." said Chan.

"How about music?" asked Brock. "Will you have licensed music?"

"We're going to ask the bands that are here right now." said Hsu.

"That's right, many of them have decent songs we can use." said Chan. "We're all set."

"Okay, what was the name of the movie that inspired 'The Dukes of Hazzard'?" asked Memphis.

"'Moonrunners'." said Dominic.

"You got it." said Memphis. "Your turn."

"What was the license number of the Jaguar in 'Speed'?" asked Dominic.

"TUNEMAN." said Memphis.

"Right." said Dominic. "Next?"

"What model of car was driven off the bridge in 'Triple X'?" asked Memphis.

"Corvette." said Dominic.

"Are you sure?" asked Memphis.

"Pretty sure." said Dominic.

"Hey, aren't you that guy from the Biker Boyz?" asked Cary.

"Yeah, that's me." said Jaleel.

"What are you doing here?" asked Cary. "Do you honestly believe a low rate motorcycle street racer has a chance here?"

"I do so believe I have a chance." said Jaleel. "And who are you calling low rate?"

"Hey, you think you're badass?" asked Cary. "Try facing a murder rap."

"Are you insinuating that you're a better rider than me?" asked Jaleel.

"Nothing gets past you, huh?" replied Cary.

"What do you say we do a little side wager?" asked Jaleel.

"You're on." said Cary.

XXXXXXXXXX

In Miami, Mason, Spike, Jetto, and the Gyro Captain waited at the docks.

"How much longer?" asked Spike.

"I dunno." said Mason. "A while I guess."

"Not 'til tomorrow, actually." said Mr. X as he climbed out of the Model A.

"Hey, you're that mate of the race organizer." said Jetto.

"Nice wheels." said Mason.

"Thanks." said Mr. X. "I call it the Hustler."

"What are you doing here?" asked the Gyro captain.

"I have an insider working for Jimmy DeMarco, the guy trying to steal the prize money." said Mr. X. "I came to pump him for information, but I found out he was a bit occupied. Then I found you guys here and I thought of something."

"What's that?" asked Mason.

"This DeMarco will most likely try to delay the Cannonballers in his bid to steal the prize money." said Mr. X. "Most likely, this is gonna get violent and someone could get hurt."

"And you want us to travel along with the Cannonballers to prevent any harm from coming to them." said Jetto.

"So, we're going to be acting as protection." said Spike.

"You guys catch on fast." said Mr. X. "Can I count on you guys?"

"Highway's in this." said Jetto. "Of course you can count on me."

"I'm in if Mason's in." said Spike.

"We're both in, then." said Mason.

"I guess I'm in." said the Gyro Captain.

"Good to hear that." said Mr. X. "By the way, I'd like you to meet the guy you'll be working with."

Another man, this one dressed as a pilot, climbed out of the Hustler and walked over to the men. "Hello." he said. "They call me Sky Captain."

"THE Sky Captain?" asked Mason.

"Yes, Mr. X asked me to work with him and his crew to protect the Cannonballers." said Sky Captain. "My mechanic, Dex is working for him as well."

"It looks like the Cannonballers are well protected now." said Jetto.

"That's good." said Mr. X. "They're gonna need good protection."

XXXXXXXXXX

Schwag and Frankie took to the stage by the pool.

"Hello, Cannonballers! Big Schwag here. Ready to get the party going with me is my trusted companion, Frankie Whiteside."

"Thanks, Schwag." said Frankie. "Up next for your listening pleasure is a guy who insisted on performing even though he wasn't a part of the Cannonball band. We would've said no, but he's just that good."

"Tell us, Frankie. Who is it?" said Schwag.

"It is none other than...Rob Zombie!" announced Frankie.

"You gotta be kidding me!" yelled Schwag.

"He's not." said Rob Zombie as he walked onstage. The crowd cheered. "Cannonballers, this is more your party than mine. As such, I thought for once, some of you would like to be part of the band. I'll need a guitarist, a rhythm guitarist, a bassist, and a drummer. Who do we have?"

"I'll be one of the guitarists." Natalie told the other Angels.

"Rock on!" said Dylan.

"You go!" said Alex.

Natalie climbed up on stage and got cheers from the crowd. "And what's your name?" asked Rob.

"I'm Natalie, I'm with team Angels, and I'd like to play lead guitar."

"What's going on?" asked Wayne.

"Whoa!" said Garth.

"Oh, these are two of my teammates, Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar." said Natalie. "I'd like to suggest them for rhythm guitar and drums respectively."

"What do you say, guys?" asked Rob.

"Well, Mr. Zombie." said Wayne. "You have made us a tempting offer, but I'm afraid we must decline."

"Yeah, we must." said Garth.

"Why's that?" asked Rob.

"Well, the problem is..." said Wayne.

He and Garth got on their knees and started bowing before Rob chanting "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

"Do we have anyone else who'd like to play guitar?" asked Rob.

Super Dave climbed up on stage.

"Ladies and gentlemen, our rhythm guitarist is none other than 'Super Dave' Osbourne!" announced Rob.

The crowd cheered. Malcolm climbed up on stage.

"And what's your name?" asked Rob.

"My name's Malcolm. I'd like to play drums for the band."

"Do you know how to play the drums?" asked Rob.

"Well, it wasn't too hard to figure out." said Malcolm. "All it took was some analysis of the reverberation of the various pieces in the setup there and I was good to go."

"You're in." said Rob. Malcolm ran up, took a seat behind the drums, and turned to the camera.

"Boy, if mom and dad saw me doing this, I'd be in big trouble." he said.

XXXXXXXXXX

At home, Malcolm's parents Hal and Lois stared at the television screen in shock.

"Oh my God!" screamed Lois.

"Malcolm's performing for Rob Zombie!" stammered Hal. "What's he thinking?"

"When he gets home, he is so grounded!" yelled Lois.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Finally, we need a bass player." said Rob.

Jarod climbed up on stage.

"And you are?" asked Rob.

"Jarod, Jarod Hynde. I'm with Team Fugitive."

"Are you a bass player?" asked Rob.

"I am today." said Jarod.

"Alright!" yelled Rob. "Right now, we're going to give you guys a little pre-race entertainment. This is a little ditty I call 'Two-Lane Blacktop'."

The crowd cheered as the band started to play.

We've been goin', I've never been at ease.
I met a gypsy girl and I took her on the track.
The kinda girl walk. The driver don't talk.
Twenty bucks between them just to keep them alive.

Drivin'
Drivin'
Drivin'
Blacktop rollin'

In the crowd, Beavis and Butthead played air guitar and banged their heads.

We're going, going to Amarillo.
A zero to a sixty in a seven-point-five.
A model and bagel steels California.
A glass of a beer, a scot of a rat.

Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'

Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'
Blacktop rollin'

Then Natalie took the mic.

Come on, baby! I ain't crazy!
Come on, baby! Pick me up! Pick me up!
Come on, baby! Do me, baby!
Come on, baby! Hook it up! Hook it up!

During the bridge, Murdock went crowd surfing. Xander tried to join him, but the crowd threw him into the pool. Rob took the mic again.

Where ya goin'? An airport road.
A clean machine. A real home girl.
Barracuda, sixty-eight.
Nothing there, she can wait.

Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'

Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'
Blacktop rollin'

Natalie took the mic again.

Come on, baby! I ain't crazy!
Come on, baby! Pick me up! Pick me up!
Come on, baby! Do me, baby!
Come on, baby! Hook it up! Hook it up!

Rob took back the mic.

Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!

Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'
Come on!
Drivin'
Blacktop rollin'

-"Two-Lane Blacktop" by Rob Zombie

The crowd went wild chanting "More! More! More!"

"Sorry, folks." said Rob. "That was it."

"Not necessarily." said Super Dave. "We're gonna play even harder now! And this time, we're playing in the pool!"

"No, Super!" yelled Rob. "Don't!"

Ignoring him, Super Dave jumped into the pool.

While Super Dave was in mid-air, Rob yelled "That's an electric guitar!"

Xander hurredly climbed out of the pool. Super Dave hit the water a second later. There was a massive electrical jolt immediately. After it passed, Super Dave groaned "Yowl, electric pain!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Sometime later in Miami, Darden and Korpi's gang, the Highway Hunters, rolled up to DeMarco's mansion in their cars.

Tanner leaned against the Sentinel while Everett sat in the Mr. Whoopie. The Hot Alien Chicks stood and watched them exit their vehicles.

Joe Osbourne and Max Campisi climbed out of an old Oldsmobile Super 88, the Oceanic.

Paul Hackett and Feliz Vispone got out of a Lincoln Mark V called the Virgo.

Johnny B and Lance Nguyen exited their own car, a blue Nissan Skyline street racer with flames called the Elegy.

"Good, you all made it." said Tanner. "Our employer is waiting for us. Come."

The group entered the mansion and strolled up to DeMarco's office.

"Jimbo!" called Tanner.

"Hey, it's either Jim or Jimmy or Mr. DeMarco." said DeMarco. "Not Jimbo. Never Jimbo. In fact, for that, you're knocked back to Mr. DeMarco. So, these are the Highway Hunters?"

"Yes, Ji...I mean Mr. DeMarco." said Tanner. "And this is Capt. Tom Everett. These are the...uh..."

"You can call us the Hot Alien Chicks if you please." said their leader. "My name is Mitzi and this is Nichole, Linda, Mia, and Kim."

"Okay, I see." said DeMarco. "And your names?"

"I'm Lance Nguyen." said Lance. "This is Joe Osbourne, Max Campisi, Paul Hackett, Feliz Vispone, and Johnny B."

"Weren't there two more of you?" asked DeMarco.

"They're up in New York getting someone else." said Johnny B.

Just then, Darden and Korpi marched into the room with Foyt.

"She followed us home." said Korpi. "Can we keep her?"

"Jimmy DeMarco." said Foyt. "I should've known."

"Hey, Commander Foyt!" said DeMarco. "Nice to see you!"

"Don't try to smooth things over!" sneered Foyt. "I know all about you! You used to be a small-time hood in L.A! You would've stayed that way had you not come across a crapload of heroin! Many years and who knows how many innocent lives later, you made yourself a sprawling criminal empire! It's because of you and the Cannonballers that I've lost faith in the American justice system! The only reason I'm helping you is to bring an end to that infernal Cannonball!"

"Well, what can I say except 'God bless America'?" said DeMarco. "Okay, I'll bet you're all wondering what the hell you're doing here. Well, here you go. There's this race called 'The Cannonball Run'. They run it around the world. The prize is a staggering 250,000,000. However, this money would be better used by me than any of the mindless horde that's taking part in the race. I would use it to improve my empire wheras they'd use it idioticly on their...idiot things. What I want you all to do is to intercept these losers and try to slow them down or stop them from completing the race. That should give one of you the chance to sneak into their headquarters and steal the prize money. If you do this, you will be handsomely rewarded. Am I clear?"

The Hunters, HAC, and others all said things like "Sure" and "Yeah".

"Do I have your support?" asked DeMarco.

The others then repeated their "Sure"s and "Yeah"s and stuff.

"Very well." said DeMarco. "Now, if my watch is correct, the Sea Phantom should be close to docking at Dodge Island for the start of the race. I implore you all to head out there. Go."

Darden howled as the group poured out of the room to their cars. DeMarco turned on the television to watch the Cannonball coverage.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Right now, we are watching the various teams make final preparations to their vehicles." said Phil. "After that is inspection and the start of the race. On the scene right now is David Spade. David?"

"As you said, everyone is working on their cars." said David. "What are they doing? Let's listen in."

David walked over to the Vortex 5 and held the microphone up to Jarod and Johnny Five.

"According to my calculations," said Jarod "this is the configuration that has the best compromise between engine power and fuel economy."

David then walked over to the Jersey XS and held up the mic.

"We're going to be hitting a lot of mountain ranges." said Buckaroo. "Therefore, we should modify the suspension to compensate."

David then walked over to the Interna and held up the mic.

"Hey, Beavis." said Butthead as he extended his finger. "Pull my finger."

"Okay, let's let these guys get back to work." said David. "Back to you, Phil."

"Pbbbbt!" sputtered Butthead.

"Hey, no fair!" said Beavis. "You pulled your own finger!"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, could you hand me that wrench, big guy?" asked Steve Austin.

Nemesis growled and handed Steve a wrench.

"Okay, let's get this thing up and running." said Steve.

Nemesis grunted.

"What is it?" asked Steve as he looked up. He saw Rob Zombie in front of him. "What's up?" asked Steve.

"Need a third?" asked Rob.

"We had one last year." said Steve. "He was too busy to come this time. There's a war going on."

"He's a soldier?" asked Rob.

"He's Death." said Steve.

"Ah." said Rob. "Sounds like my kind of team."

"Welcome aboard." said Steve.

XXXXXXXXXX

Mike Nelson had reassembled Crow and was now making final preparations to the car.

"Hey, Crow. Feeling any better?" asked Mike.

"Yeah, I'm fine." said Crow. "Except for some of my actuators...and my oil pump...and my complete lack of resale value."

Mike laughed as he attached the new front bumper to the Emu. "I've almost got this bumper on." he said.

"And we've got this bumper stickered." said Tom.

"What do you mean?" asked Mike as he walked around to the back.

"Check it out." said Crow. He and Tom had affixed a bumper sticker that read "How's my driving? Dial 1-800-BITE-ME".

"Yeah, that's pretty classy." said Mike.

XXXXXXXXXX

Bernard, Ben, and Sam worked under the hood of the Bryanston V while Max jumped around in the driver's seat.

"If it helps, I'll pick up my share of the driving duties." said Sam.

"That would help." said Bernard. "But we're going to need a little more if we're going to make it fully rested."

"Why don't you take over driving duties once or twice?" Sam asked Ben as Max climbed the back of the driver's seat.

"I don't like things with more than two wheels." said Ben.

"That's rather unfortunate." said Bernard. "Because most likely, we're going to have to stop and rest and possibly lose race positions."

"On the other hand, I can be flexible." said Ben as he and Sam stepped away from the engine.

"Good to hear." said Bernard as he went back to the engine. Max jumped onto the steering wheel and hit the horn switch. The horn made Bernard jump up and hit his head on the hood. He then fell on his back, stunned.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Ladies and gentlemen," announced Brock "we are now ready to begin the inspections. We will see if your cars have an excessive ammount of gadgetry or mounted weapons. Personal gadgets and weapons are currently exempt however."

"If you pass inspection, and I'm sure most of you will," said Phil "you will receive a fully prepared nitrous oxide system donated by Holley Performance's famous division, NOS."

"This system not only includes the nitrous tank and all necessary hardware," said Schwag "it also includes several accessories normally sold separately."

"Those accessories list as follows:" said Frankie. "Purge valve, dual-stage conversion, remote bottle opener, and bottle warmer. Normally, this whole system would cost you around one thousand dollars."

"But this was a donation." said David. "So it will cost you, as my late friend Chris Farley would say, a 'big, fat load of jack squat!'"

Bugs, Daffy, and Wile E. were standing around the Crusero when a lion in coveralls walked over to them. "Hi there." he said. "I'll be your inspector. My name's Wildcat."

"Here's our car." said Bugs.

"Okay, let's see." said Wildcat as he looked over the car. "Off-road modification, useful. Infrared headlights, also useful. And radar disruptor makes three. I can't find anything else, so you pass."

"Woohoo!" cheered Daffy.

"Thank you very much." said Bugs.

"Hey, guys!" said Wildcat. "Get these guys a nitrous system."

Memphis and Jesse leaned against the Bestia as they waited for inspection. A lanky youth walked over and said "Hi, I'm your inspector. My name's Jesse."

"Hey, so's mine." said Jesse James.

"This is the car." said Memphis. "Like it?"

"Oh, this is way nicer than my Jetta." said Jesse. "Taking a look-see."

Dominic walked over and said "Jesse?"

"Yeah?" said Jesse James.

"I was talking to the Mad Scientist." said Dominic.

"Dom, what are you doing here?" asked Jesse.

"Taking part in the Cannonball." said Dominic. "What are you doing here?"

"Performing vehicle inspections for the officials." said Jesse. "And trying to set a record for the most Jesses in one Cannonball."

"How's it looking so far?" asked Dominic.

"I don't think there's any problems here." said Jesse. "You've got no gadgets as far as I can tell and your car looks to be a real powerhouse. You've got yourself a nitrous system. Dom, I think you know how to install it."

An official handed the nitrous system to Dom who said "Freebieeee!"

"Freebieeeee!" repeated Jesse James.

"Zip! Zero! Nada!" said Memphis.

"Hey, ladies." said another man as he approached the Zender Alpha. "I'm Dex Dearborn and I'll be your inspector today."

"This is the Zender Alpha and this will be your inspectee." said Lara.

"I don't see why you should do this." said Chun Li. "The car has no gadgets in it. All of our gadgets are personal gadgets."

She pointed to the work table they had set up. Cate and Joanna were looking through their gadgets to see which ones to take.

"How about the cloaking device?" asked Joanna.

"Sounds like we might need it." said Cate. "Bring it. I've got a belt buckle that has a grappler built in."

"Nice!" said Joanna. "I've got night vision that might be useful."

"We'll bring that too." said Cate. "Now, about this perfume sleeping gas?"

"Why is it disguised as a perfume sprayer?" asked Joanna.

"Sexist gadget designers." said Cate. "I thought we could use a little protection."

"I'll allow it." said Joanna. "How does this camspy look?"

"Very good." said Cate. "Useful too. My final contribution is this, a pair of sunglasses with built-in infrared and mine detector."

"Deal." said Joanna.

Dex finished his inspection. "Uh, I've got some good news and some bad news." he said. "The good news is your car has passed inspection. But the bad news is your car cannot be equipped with a nitrous system due to its construction."

"So, we're not getting a nitrous system?" asked Lara.

"Hey, it's not just you." said Dex. "The Karuma, the ice cream truck, the Crown Mail, the Baja Buggy, and the motorcycles all couldn't be equipped, either. I'm sorry. I really am."

"Relax, Lara." said Chun Li. "Our car is pretty fast even without nitrous. Besides, we won't have to make stops for nitrous now."

"Is that all of it?" asked Ethan.

"That's all of it." said Snake looking at the explosive they had removed from the Monstruo.

Wildcat walked over and looked at the explosive. "What's that?" he asked.

"It was something left over from the previous owner." explained Ethan. "We don't need it. You can take it away if you'd like."

"Okay." said Wildcat. "I'm just going to inspect your...what's this?" He picked up the bottle of coolant spray.

"Oh, that's something we used to remove the stuff from the car." said Snake. "We're not using that anymore either."

Wildcat accidentaly sprayed himself with the coolant. He sniffed a couple of times and chirped "Lemon!"

Jesse wrapped up his inspection of the Knight. "Okay, the molecular bonded shell is definitely useful. Now, the artificial intelligence computer..."

"If you touch my interface, I'll wipe all your credit cards!" snapped KITT.

"Could go either way." said Jesse.

Dex finished the inspection of the Citi. "Okay, you have passed inspection and we can now give you your nitrous system."

"Thanks, we can install it ourselves." said Sam as the official handed the system to Woody.

Woody took the system to the trunk and opened it.

"Woody, you know what you're doing?" asked Norm.

"Positive, Mr. Peterson." said Woody as he started working with the nitrous tank. "Back in Hanover, I was (yawn) heavily involved in the underground (yawn) tractor races. I actually (yawn) helped to install several (yawn) of these (yawn) nitrous oxide (yawn) systems on..." He slumped over the fender and promptly fell asleep.

"Oh dear." said Sam. "Uh, Cliff, you try to wake Woody up. Norm, help me with this nitrous system."

Meanwhile, Wildcat was about finished with the inspection of the Jersey XS. "Okay, everything is fine." he said. "We'll get you a nitrous system now."

Buckaroo took out a PDA.

"What's that?" asked Wildcat.

"It's a peace offering to the officials." said Buckaroo. "By giving you this, I'm not saying that what we did last year was okay or that we should have been allowed to do it. What this says is you can use this if you need help."

"Okay." said Wildcat as he took the PDA.

XXXXXXXXXX

Dodge Island, Miami...

A convoy of cars drove onto the island and drove through the maze of warehouses.

First to stop was Tanner in the Sentinel. Everett was in his passenger seat.

Pulling in next to him was Korpi and Darden in the Sabre. Next to them were Joe and Max in the Oceanic.

Next tothe Oceanic was the Virgo with Feliz and Paul in it. Next to them were Johnny B and Lance in the Elegy.

A black Rumpo van pulled in alongside them and parked. The Riviera slipped in beside it.

"Who's that?" asked Korpi.

"Probably a couple of DeMarco's men." said Darden.

"Okay, lads." said Tanner. "The Sea Phantom is coming in and docking here. When it does, it will be time for action. Everett and I will infiltrate the ship and try to find the prize money. The rest of you will go after the Cannonballers and try to slow them down. Expect resistance. Expect anything."

"Is that our ship?" asked Korpi as the Sea Phantom cruised into port.

"Yeah." said Darden. "Let's get ready."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to start the race." announced Phil as the loading ramp lowered.

"You all know the rules." said Schwag.

"That's right, the only rule is to be the first one around the world." said Frankie.

"The record stands at...wow!" said David. "I thought it would take less time to race around the world than that."

"To show respect for our sponsors, we've decided to let them go first." said Brock. "So, let's get that first car up here and get this thing underway."

Stanley pulled up in the Super Taxi and took his team's time card.

"In the Super Taxi, Stanley Spadowski." announced Phil.

"In the Crusero Magnifico, Bugs Bunny." announced Schwag.

"In the Jones J450, Hank Hill." announced Frankie.

"In the Pirahna PDQ, Annie." said David.

"In the PT Phoenix, 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin." said Phil.

"In the Ascent 470ds, Richard Parker." said Schwag.

"In the Modicum XSV, Kermit the Frog." said Frankie.

"In the Amata Crescendo, Hsu Tanaka." said David.

"In the Zender Alpha, Lara Croft." said Phil.

"In the Kuruma Faasuto, Dylan Sanders." said Schwag.

"In the...ice cream truck, Norville Rogers." said Frankie.

"In the Crown Mail, Artemis Fowl." said David.

"In the Baja Buggy, Mad Max." said Phil.

"In the Cocotte, Leonardo." said Schwag.

"In the Citi, Sam Malone." said Frankie.

"In the Emu, Mike Nelson." said David.

"In the Torrida, Buffy Summers." said Phil.

"In the 1971 Bestia, Dominic Toretto." said Schwag.

"Hey, Beavis, did you fill out the paperwork?" asked Butthead.

"Heh heh heh heh heh heh, yeah!" laughed Beavis. "Heh heh heh heh heh heh."

"In the Interna, Eileen Dover." said Frankie. "Eileen Do...? Oh, very funny, guys!"

"Hey, I pulled that one on Moe just last week." said Bart.

"Bart!" yelled Marge.

"In the Citi Turbo, Homer Simpson." said David.

"On the Cohete, Jaleel the Kid." said Phil.

"In the Monstruo, Ethan Hunt." said Schwag.

"In the Jersey XS, Buckaroo Banzai." said Frankie.

"In the L.A. Cop Car, Marcus Ellenstein." said David.

"In the Boost, Matt Trakker." said Phil.

"Now, remember the first rule of Polecat racing." said Ben. He pulled the rearview off its mount and said "What's behind me is not important!" He tossed the mirror out of the open sunroof and a loud clunk was heard a second later.

"Ow!" yelled Super Dave.

"In the Bryanston V, Ben." said Schwag.

"In the Schneller V8, Corvax." said Frankie.

"In the Alarde, Super Dave Osbourne." said David.

"In the Fripon X, Malcolm..." said Phil just before the microphone cut out on Malcolm's last name.

"Riding the Monsoni, Cary Ford." said Schwag.

"In the Stadt, Jesse Richmond." said Frankie.

"In the Victory, Bond...James Bond." said David. "Sorry, I've always wanted to do that."

"In the Modo Prego, Peter Venkman." said Phil.

"In the Paris Cop Car, Nash Bridges." said Schwag.

"In the Lusso XT, J." said Frankie.

"In the RSMC 15, Sonic the Hedgehog." said David.

"In the Vortex 5, Johnny Five." said Phil.

"In the Saikou, Mario." said Schwag.

"In the Knight, Michael Knight." said Frankie.

"In the Saikou XS, Wario." said David.

"In the Torque JX, Masahiko Kobe." said Phil.

"And in the Veloci, Tommy Vercetti." said Schwag.

"Okay, guys." said Mahoney. "Let's get out there and make sure they make it alive."

"You got it." said Lone Wolf as he put on his helmet.

"The racers are off on their long journey." said Frankie. "Who knows what will happen to them out there."

"I sure don't know what will happen out there," said David "but I do know what's happening here. We have some music for our viewers. Over to you guys."

"Thanks, Dave." said Beck. "Cool J and I decided to do a little song for our racers."

"That's right." said LL Cool J. "We've got forty two teams out there and this song could be about any one of them."

"You said it." said Beck. He turned to the band and said "Hit it."

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line.
Engines pumping, and thumping in time.
The green light flashes, the flags go up.
Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup.

They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank.
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank.
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns.
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern.

As they speed through the finish, the flags go down,
the fans get up and they get out of town.
The arena is empty, except for one man
still driving and striving as fast as he can.

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
and long ago somebody left with the cup,
but he's striving and driving and hugging the turns
and thinking of someone for whom he still burns.

'Cause he's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
She's all alone, all alone,
all alone in her time of need.
Because he's racing and pacing and plotting a course.
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
He's going the distance.
Oh oh.

Hey!
Yeah!

No trophy, no flashbulbs, no honor, no wine.
He's haunted by something he cannot define.
Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse
assail him, impale him with monster truck force.

In his mind, he's still driving, still making the grade.
She's hoping in time that her memory will fade,
but he's racing and pacing and plotting a course.
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
and long ago, somebody left with the cup,
but he's striving and driving and hugging the turns
and thinking of someone for whom he still burns.

'Cause he's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
She's all alone, all alone,
all alone in her time of need.
'Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting a course.
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
He's racing and pacing and plotting a course.
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
He's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
He's going the distance.
Oh oh.

Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!

Oh oh.

-"The Distance" by Cake

AN:Okay, here's the full list of songs featured in the "Cannonball Polka": "I Can't Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar, "We're Gonna Make It" by Twisted Sister, "Cumin' Atcha Live" by Tesla, "Heading Out To the Highway" by Judas Priest, "Invincible" by Pat Benatar, "Born to Be Wild" by Steppenwolf, "Breaking All the Rules" by Ozzy Osbourne, "Born to Run" by Bruce Springsteen, "California Love" by Tupac Shakur and Dr. Dre, "Jurassic Park" by "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Fuel" by Metallica, "Amazing" by Aerosmith, "Layin' Rubber" by Kix, "Nowhere Fast" by Fire Inc, "Motorvatin'" by Hanoi Rocks, "Fast Road" by Great White, "Mean Street Machine" by King Kobra, "The Look of Love" by Dusty Springfield, "Life in the Fast Lane" by the Eagles, "Two Lane Highway" by Pure Prairie League, "Speed Demon" by Michael Jackson, "Road Trippin'" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Dare" by Stan Bush, "The Touch" also by Stan Bush, "We Want Fun" by Andrew W.K, "Rock Hard, Ride Free" by Judas Priest, "All Around the World" by Oasis, "Take On Me" by A-Ha, "Song 2" by Blur, "Joyride" by Roxette, "Ride" by lostprophets, and "Road to Nowhere" by the Talking Heads. (Whew!)