He's My Brother

Chapter 7

okay, so i probably should have waited and had this beta'd but I felt so terrible about how long its taken me to update, so here it is--finally--and all mistakes are mine. sam and dean too of course, naturally, how could you think they aren't mine. i am a purveryor of winchster boys you know, so of course i'd have to have sam and dean...oh geez i need coffee i sound crazy lol. hope you enjoy!

Sammy,

Dean nearly laughed as he wrote that, Sam had always been so angry with him when they were kids for calling him that. He wondered if Sam got now that it was just their special thing, no one else called him Sammy, just him.

I know how angry you are at me right now, but you know I had to. Watching out for you, it's my job, always has been and this is gonna be the last time. I have to go alone and keep you safe.

I'm not afraid of dying.

He wasn't. He had been at death's door so many times in his life...by all accounts he should be used to it; familiar...he was scared though. Nothing scared him like the unknown. Twenty-four years of his life had been consumed by what was to many, the unknown, and it had never scared him. Windiegos, poltergeists, demons...they didn't scare him, not unless it was threatening his family and then he was terrified. Leaving Sam alone scared him more than anything he'd ever faced before. He'd always been there to take care of his brother and now...he couldn't. This was an unknown he'd give anything not to have to face. An unknown that he wished his brother wasn't going to have to face.

I think you understand...or at least you will in time. You think it's selfish, and unfair, I know; but hey, hasn't our life always been a bit unfair. We've always had each other and you know that, you have to understand that I'm sorry but I had to do it. I couldn't give up on you.

It was so much harder than Dean had thought it was going to be. Giving up his soul was the easy part and if he had to...he'd do it again. He'd always do whatever it took to protect Sam.

I know that you would have done the same. It's like when we were back with LeGrange. You didn't give on me Sammy...you couldn't have expected me to just give up on you, could you?

Dean could feel the tears starting to fall and wiped them away stubbornly. He wondered why this was so hard...just writing this letter, it was like saying goodbye the one thing he didn't want to do.

It was never a tough choice to make Sammy, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. You're my baby brother after all. You told me that you've been looking up to me your entire life...and I've been trying to protect you. Don't hold it against dad; even before mom died...don't be angry, it's just my job.

He remembered the day that his mom and dad brought Sam home from the hospital as clear as yesterday. He'd been amazed and his mom had let him hold Sam...He was terrified that he was going to hurt him and told his mother so. She'd told him, and it had always stuck with him, that he could never hurt him, he was the big brother and he'd always look after him...keep him safe, because even when they had nothing else, they'd always have each other. It was that memory, those words that reassured him when he took Sam and ran out of the burning house all those years ago.

No regrets, right Sammy?

Dean didn't regret any of it. He'd learned a long time ago that there was no point in living in the what-ifs. He wished his mom hadn't ever died, god he would have given anything for it not to have happened...except for his brother. He knew that Sammy blamed himself and he could only hope that Sam believed him now, that he couldn't blame himself that they'd all gotten caught up in a demon's game.

I don't regret anything, and I don't want you to either. I want you to know that I'm proud of you. I know that we don't talk about it much but I am. You're braver than I am Sammy, braver than I could ever have hoped to be. You know what you want, always have and you were brave enough to stand up to dad for it.

Seven years, and Dean still remembered that day.

He didn't even know that Sam had applied to college, it kind of hurt that Sam didn't trust him enough to tell him, but he understood. It took guts to do what he'd done, and he didn't want to risk being talked out of it, or making Dean feel bad. Sam tried so hard...he wanted that normal life so bad.

He could still hear Sam and his dad screaming at each other over Stanford. He hated it when they fought and he could count on one hand the number of times they fought and he didn't intervene. This was one of those times. He just stood there, stunned, Sam was really going to abandon them. It killed him to think that his brother wanted a normal life more than he wanted for them to be a family.

But that was then.

He knew better now, and he just wished they hadn't wasted so much time.

I know how scared and angry you are Sam. But you'll forgive me, its just who you are. You're not like me, and I don't want you to be. You're a better person than I am, stronger, but you're still innocent. Don't lose that innocence Sammy, it makes you stronger. It makes you care. And thats not a bad thing.

You told me once that you look up to me. Well, little brother, I look up to you. You have a strength I've never had, and you're brave enough to trust people.

Why was it so hard? Dean wondered, struggling with the tears that were starting to fall. Why was it always so hard...he just hoped Sam wouldn't ever forget...

I promised you that I'd watch out for you Sammy, I promised mom, I promised dad, and I promised myself. I'm keeping my promises...and I want you to keep yours. Don't let this be the end. Keep fighting, always keep fighting. Don't let these S.O.B.'s get the better of you.

I love you Sammy.

Dean

thanks for reading, and no this is not the end. two-three more chapters to come.