Chapter Twelve: This Means War
Korpi, Mitzi, and Foyt sat together at a table in a cabin somewhere in Vermont.
DeMarco walked in and took a seat on the other side of the table. "Okay, what went wrong?" he asked.
"Well, those Cannonballers seem to be extremely lucky." said Korpi. "They're also quite resourceful. I can't count the number of ways they destroyed the cars you gave us."
"They didn't even destroy the Windsor." said DeMarco. "However, you decided to abandon it anyway, Foyt. Why is that?"
"There was machine gun fire, Mr. DeMarco. I was..." said Foyt.
"Whoa, there was machine gun fire?" asked DeMarco. "That's funny, because the Warrior claims it was just weird sound effects."
"You try thinking of that when you've got a machine gun firing on your location." said Foyt.
"Watch your tone." warned DeMarco.
Foyt covered her mouth.
"I understand we called in an outside consultant in South America." said DeMarco. "I also understand this outside consultant had the potential to take over the world."
"Outside consultant?" asked Korpi. "Is that what they're calling alien parasites these days?"
"Yes, who called her?" asked DeMarco.
"That would be me, sir." said Mitzi. "I swear she promised that she wouldn't take over the world."
"How much stake do you have in her promises?" asked DeMarco.
"Well, I never had her make me a promise before, but..." said Mitzi.
"Tell me this." said DeMarco. "How much stake do you have in her promises?"
"I had no reason to believe her." Mitzi finally admitted.
"Ms. Foyt." said DeMarco. "Why did you have so much difficulty tracking down the Cannonballers? You had a relatively low success rate with them."
"After I lost the Windsor..." said Foyt.
"You mean after you abandoned the Windsor." said DeMarco.
"Yes." said Foyt. "Anyways, after that, I hooked up with someone who was actively seeking out one of the Cannonballers. Since his goal meshed with mine, I thought it was only natural."
"When you say he was seeking out one of the Cannonballers," said DeMarco "do you mean he was seeking out any Cannonballer or a specific Cannonballer?"
"Someone specific, Max Rockatansky." said Foyt.
"And who else?" asked DeMarco.
"Just Rockatansky." said Foyt.
"So, your partner narrowed his search too much." said DeMarco. "In his quest to eliminate one of the Cannonballers, you eliminated none."
"That's not true!" snapped Foyt. "In Africa, we set up those two doctored speed limit signs! One of them worked!"
"And the one you got was Team Rocket who are probably going to be disqualified someday anyway." said DeMarco. "Now, about those robots in Europe. Whose idea were those?"
"Mine, sir." said Mitzi.
"That had to be the stupidest idea I've ever seen!" said DeMarco. "It seemed like the Cannonballers just had to sneeze on those things and they'd shut down. Literally, that one guy just yelled at that one robot and it fell apart."
"I'm sorry." said Mitzi.
"And what was the deal with that Fury?" asked DeMarco.
"Hey, talk to Nichole about that." said Mitzi. "That was her idea. The rest of us just tagged along."
"Korpi, there was one thing you and your group did right." said DeMarco. "That was using the EDB. That was the only thing that effectively slowed down the Cannonballers."
"Thank you, sir." said Korpi.
"However, it doesn't really make up for the loss of every single car I gave you." said DeMarco. "I've made my decision. Korpi, of the people here, you are the most competant in battle. I'm putting you and the other Hunters in charge of keeping an eye on Mr. Spadowski. Keep in mind that the other Cannonballers will most likely be coming after him, so be on your toes."
"I will, sir." said Korpi.
"Foyt, you were pretty much horrendous." said DeMarco. "However, you brought in someone who can really hold his own in battle. For that, you two will help stand guard."
"Thank you, sir." said Foyt.
"And Mitzi." said DeMarco. "You and your group were just terrible. You hatched three major plans which ended in disaster. You failed to hold your own against several groups of Cannonballers. You also were unable to handle a simple dance-off. For that, I have to say 'Mitzi, you're fired.'"
Mitzi looked at him in complete shock. Korpi and Foyt also looked on stunned.
"Go on, out." said DeMarco.
Mitzi, Korpi, and Foyt got up and walked out of the cabin. Korpi and Foyt climbed into a jeep which then drove down a dirt road. Mitzi then climbed into a taxi which drove the other way.
During the cab ride, Mitzi started to reminisce. She remembered showing up at South Pointe Park. She remembered Nichole taking to the dance floor in Idaho. She remembered facing off with the Iron Chefs in Tokyo. She remembered her girls getting pummeled by Jessie and Annie in Australia. She remembered running over the NRG-500 and falling off the FCR-900. She remembered being defeated by Chun Li. Finally, she looked up and yelled "You call that a career?"
XXXXXXXXXX
"We have so much research done." said Hsu as the Amata Crescendo cruised through Ireland.
"We are going to make the best racing game." said Chan.
"Wait, something's going on." said Sushi X.
"He's right." said Hsu. "The Cannonballers are just parked there."
Sushi X brought the car to a halt and the team climbed out. Several Cannonball teams were parked around. Dominic and Jesse James were trying to get the Super Taxi out of the ditch.
"What's going on?" asked Chan.
"Apparently, a couple of hoods showed up and got Stanley to abandon the car." said Mike Nelson.
"It would have been nice if they let him stop first." said George.
"It looks like they kidnapped him and took off." said Memphis.
"In what?" asked Chan. "Where did they get transportation?"
Just then, Tommy's cell phone rang. "Vercetti."
"Tommy, it's Cam Jones."
"What's up?" asked Tommy.
"A couple of weeks ago, I was hired for a heist." said Cam. "We were supposed to steal the prize money for the Cannonball Run. The mastermind behind the heist said I'd get my share of the take, but he still hasn't ponied up."
"And you want me to go after the guy?" asked Tommy as Nash and Joe pulled up in the 'Cuda with Denis Leary in the backseat. Nash climbed out while Joe helped Denis out.
"I just found out you were taking part in the race." said Cam. "Maybe you can get the prize money back and teach him a lesson."
"I'll see what I can do." said Tommy. "Can you give me a way to contact the guy?"
"I'll text you his cell phone number." said Cam.
"What's going on?" asked Nash.
"Someone kidnapped Stanley." said Walker.
"We're still trying to figure out where they got transportation." said Mahoney.
"Yeah, I'm thinking this is who they got it from." said Joe as he presented the bruised and bloody Denis.
Tom Servo gasped "They beat up Denis Leary!"
"Good." said Crow.
"Hey, you want to dish about me, gold boy?" asked Dennis. "Maybe I should show you what I did to the last heckler who got on my case."
"They took your car?" asked Jesse. "What kind is it?"
"It's a '72 Pontiac LeMans." said Dennis. "It's mostly gray with a red door and hood. I just rescued it from a junkyard. I call it the Clover due to the fact that I'm of Irish extraction."
"Irish?" asked Jones.
"Yeah, you know." said Dennis. "Saint Patrick's Day, shamrocks, U2, Lucky Charms and all that."
"Nash, you know anything about the prize money being stolen?" asked Tommy.
"There was an attempt, but they got the explosives from the Monstruo by mistake." said Nash. "Whatcha got there?"
"We think it's the kidnappers' cell phone number." said Tommy.
"Let me give this a try." said Nash.
Nash took his cell phone and dialled Chloe's number as Xander and Walker came over. "Chloe, it's Nash. I'm about to dial a number on my cell phone. I need you to trace it somehow. Can you do that? Great. Bye bye." He then dialled the number on the text screen.
Tanner picked up on the other end. "Yeah, what's up?" he asked.
"Hi, is this the guy who kidnapped Stanley Spadowski?" asked Nash.
"Who is this?" asked Tanner.
"Let's just say I'm someone you're not going to want to meet if anything happens to Stanley." said Nash. "I'm giving you a deal. Release Stanley and we won't come after you."
"You wouldn't last a minute against our defenses." said Tanner. "And that's if you even find the place."
"Oh, we're gonna find you, bubba." said Nash. "And we're gonna get you too."
Xander took the phone and yelled "Yeah, we're gonna destroy you! You know why? 'Cause we've got Cordell Walker! This guy is so tough, he's the reason Waldo is hiding!"
"Well, I'm not that impressive." said Walker.
"The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep him out!" said Xander. "It failed miserably!"
"I wouldn't go that far." said Walker.
"This guy once shot down a German fighter plane by pointing at it and yelling 'Bang!'" said Xander.
"That's enough, Xander!" yelled Walker.
"He's already hung up anyway." said Xander.
Nash redialled Chloe. "Chloe, you got a fix on him? Where is he? We're there." Nash hung up and said "Chloe traced him to Vermont."
"Alright, let's get this guy!" said Max Payne.
"Dominic, get on the horn and call the other Cannonballers." said Nash.
"Got it." said Dominic.
He, Memphis, and Jesse climbed into the Bestia and he turned on the radio. A German man came over it and asked "Elvis? Elvis? Vere are you?"
XXXXXXXXXX
Matt drove through Western Ireland in the Boost.
"I heard from Duane Kennedy." said Gloria. "Gorey's in custody and is now being prepped for trial."
"Good to hear." said Matt. "We're done with our mission, so maybe we can just finish the race and return to headquarters."
"Forget that, I'm going for the win." said Gloria.
Dominic's voice came over the radio. "I'm calling any Cannonballers in Western Ireland. We have a situation. Stanley of Team U62 has been kidnapped. We are currently in the process of tracking down the perpetrators. Any Cannonballers interested in assisting in a rescue operation are requested to call in. Over."
"Matt, what do you make of that?" asked Bruce.
"I think DeMarco's men came upon a meal ticket." said Matt.
"We've got Gorey." said Gloria. "That's all we came for. Should we lend our assistance?"
"They have provided help in our goal." said Bruce. "A little payback would be nice."
Matt picked up the radio. "This is Matt Trakker of Team MASK. We'll be joining you soon."
"Good man, Matt." said Gloria.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Did you hear that?" asked Hightower as Flash drove through Ireland.
"Yeah, sounds like we're needed." said Tackleberry.
"Hey, what's this?" asked Flash.
In front of them was the ice cream truck. It had a flat tire. Flash parked next to it.
"What happened?" asked Hightower.
"Blowout." said Freddie.
"We heard the report of Stanley's kidnapping on the radio." said Velma. "If you help us out, we can join in the rescue operation."
"I've got this one." said Tackleberry. He climbed out of the car.
Flash drove off.
"Okay, time to fix the flat." said Tackleberry. "First thing we want to do is get the bad tire off. I'll tend to that right now."
He quickly took out hs gun and aimed it at the wheel.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" said Daphne.
"Uh, we actually want to put a new one on." said Shaggy.
"Oh." said Tackleberry as he holstered his gun. "I guess we can do this your way."
XXXXXXXXXX
"Looks like the racers are on their way to Vermont." said Frankie.
"Once they get there, serious butt-kicking is sure to follow." said Schwag.
"Hey, think they might need some traveling music?" asked Sheryl. She had taken to the stage with Blues Traveler.
"If you have something in mind, be our guest." said David.
"Alright." said Sheryl. "Hit it, guys."
Sheryl strummed her guitar, then the others started to play. She started playing a few seconds later. Then, she started to sing.
I hitched a ride with a vending machine repairman.
He said he's been down this road more than twice.
He was high on intellectualism.
I've never been there, but the brochure looks nice.
Jump in, let's go.
Lay back, enjoy the show.
Everybody gets high, everybody gets low.
These are the days when anything goes.
Everyday is a winding road.
I get a little bit closer.
Everyday is a faded sign.
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
He's got a daughter he calls Easter.
She was born on a Tuesday night.
I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone.
Why I'm a stanger in my own life.
Jump in, let's go.
Lay back, enjoy the show.
Everybody gets high, everybody gets low.
These are the days when anything goes.
Everyday is a winding road.
I get a little bit closer.
Everyday is a faded sign.
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
I've been swimming in a sea of anarchy.
I've been living on coffee and nicotine.
I've been wondering if all the things I've seen were ever real. Were ever really happening.
(Are they really happening?)
Everyday is a winding road.
I get a little bit closer.
Everyday is a winding road.
I get a little bit closer.
Everyday is a winding road.
I get a little bit closer.
Everyday is a faded sign.
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
-"Everyday Is A Winding Road" by Sheryl Crow.
The racers pulled into a junkyard in Vermont. Nash parked his 'Cuda in the middle of a clearing. The racers got out of their cars and Nash walked over to a cell phone left in the middle of the clearing. He dialled his cell phone and the cell phone on the ground went off.
"Son of a bitch!" he groused.
"Another dead end!" added Joe.
"What now?" asked Lara.
"Wait, someone's coming." said Cate.
Everybody turned to see where she was looking. They all saw Mitzi approaching.
"It's her again!" said Jesse Richmond.
"Let's nail her!" said Tommy.
"Hold on." said Sam Malone. "Honey, what's wrong?"
"Go on, take me out." said Mitzi. "It's not like I'm making much of a difference."
"I don't think this girl has it in her anymore." said Mad Max.
Everyone who had raised a weapon lowered it.
"Want to talk about what happened?" asked Nash.
Mitzi sat down on the front fender of a discarded Pacer and told her story.
"And then he just sat us down and explained why we failed and then fired me." she explained.
"Well, maybe you can help us get those guys." said Super Dave.
"Yeah, you can get yourself some revenge and show that you're not useless." said Gloria.
"You can start by telling us where that fortress is." said Artemis.
"Alright, but you guys are going to be in trouble." said Mitzi. "In all likelyhood, Yuri and his men were on their way."
"Great, just what we needed." said Jarod.
Dominic then noticed Jesse James was smiling.
"What are you smiling about?" asked Dominic.
"That guy set up a red herring in the worst place...for him at least." said Jesse as he looked around. "I'm thinking some halfway decent mechanics and engineers could turn this junk into a small army."
"Yeah, but can we use it to counter Yuri's psychic powers?" asked Corvax.
"Perhaps I can."
Everybody looked to see who said that.
"Looks like Rizzo got into Dr. Honeydew's growth serum." said Fozzie.
"Master Splinter!" called the Turtles.
"What are you doing here?" asked Leonardo.
"I sensed there was danger ahead for you." said Splinter. "So, I came to lend my assistance."
"Did you have a mystic vision?" asked Donatello.
"Yes, but I also saw the coverage on television." said Splinter.
"How'd you know where to find us?" asked Michaelangelo.
"I'm really not sure." said Splinter. "This is actually the first place I looked."
"Okay, here's what we're doing." said Nash. "Anyone who can fix up a car will help make battle vehicles. Anyone who can hook us up with someone who can help out will do so. Everyone else, come with me."
Nash then got on his cell phone. "Chloe, it's Nash. I need you to run a check on the state of Vermont."
"That's a pretty big area, even for New England." said Chloe. "What am I looking for?"
"Any place owned by Jimmy DeMarco." said Nash.
XXXXXXXXXX
At a place owned by Jimmy DeMarco...
"Here's where we'll be staying and keeping Stanley Spadowski." said DeMarco as they drove through the gates of a large fortress.
On their right was a long five-story building with white walls. A square building that was four stories high sat to their left. Futher on was a six-story building under construction. The three buildings were surrounded by a high white wall with a walkway at the top.
"What is this place?" asked Tanner.
"Casa DeMarco." said DeMarco. "On your left is what I call 'the Pit'. It's a torture chamber for my prisoners. Down at the other corner is what will be the laboratory for producing more and better drugs. The large building to your right is the main building. This would essentially be my home away from Miami. It's got living quarters for several dozen people, an office for me, a panic room that only I have access to, a gymnasium, a cafeteria serving fresh meals daily, a lounge, and of course, the nerve center of my security system."
"Sounds like you might be a little overprepared." said Tanner.
"Maybe." said DeMarco.
The two walked into the main building.
"Your room is on the third floor." said DeMarco. "As you can see, we've got several pieces of art around the place. Take this one for example."
He walked over to a bronze sculpture of a tray filled with baseball-sized spheres.
"Now, this is a nice piece of work." he said as he dropped his hand on it. The pile of spheres spilled onto the floor. "Mimi, call maintenance." he said.
DeMarco walked into his office. "And this is where it all happens." he said. "From here, I can monitor everything that goes on in this fortress. Also, I can talk to them and give them orders. Watch."
He opened a door and walked out onto a balcony. He picked up a microphone and a loud squeal of feedback was heard.
"Your PA system has a lot of feedback." said Tanner.
"Yeah, I have to get someone to fix it." said DeMarco. He then said into the microphone "Attention construction workers!" Feedback was heard again. "You've been working hard all morning." Feedback was heard again. "Take a break, you guys. Come back at..." Feedback drowned out his return time.
"What?" yelled the foreman.
"Come back at..." said DeMarco before feedback drowned out the return time again.
"What?" yelled the foreman.
"Never mind." said DeMarco.
XXXXXXXXXX
At Team Rocket's headquarters, Jessie, James, Annie, Oakley, and Meowth strolled in.
"Look, it's simple." said Jessie. "We just go in, grab some Pokemon, and get out before the boss finds out."
"And if he does find out?" asked James.
"Then we explain we're trying to rescue the prize money." said Jessie. "I'm sure he places a higher priority on that than our fellow racers."
They entered the waiting area for Giovanni's office. "Excuse me, is Mr. Giovanni in?" asked Annie.
"No, he's out." said the secretary. "In fact, he's been out for a while. He said he had business to attend to."
"Well, this is going to be easier than I thought." said Oakley.
They entered the room where they kept all the Pokemon they'd captured.
"I think we should take one of each type." said Jessie.
"I'll take Charizard and Alakazam." said Annie.
"I've got Magnezone and Hitmonchan." said Oakley.
"Looks like I'm using Gengar and Staryu." said Jessie.
"Hey, there's not much left." said James. "I think I'll take Blissey and Butterfree." James picked up the Pokeballs he selected, not knowing he had picked up a Metapod by mistake.
"Shall we go and help Mr. Spadowski?" asked Annie.
"If we must." said Jessie.
XXXXXXXXXX
Dominic looked over the row of Cannonballers in front of him.
"Okay, here's who opted to stay and help build war machines." he said. "Wile E. Coyote."
Wile E. held up a sign reading "Here."
"Jeff Boomhauer." said Dominic.
"Yep."
"Hsu and Chan Tanaka." said Dominic.
"Both of us here." said Chan.
"What are we doing here?" asked Hsu. "Neither of us has a lick of mechanical knowledge."
"But we can hook up wires with little problem." said Chan.
"Donatello." said Dominic.
"Present and accounted for." said Donatello.
"A simple 'here' would suffice." said Dominic. "Jaleel."
"Right here, bro."
"Bruce Sato." said Dominic.
"Yes."
"Ben." said Dominic.
"Mmmmm-hmmmm."
"Cary Ford." said Dominic.
"Here."
"B.A. and Murdock." said Dominic.
"We're in this." said B.A.
"Reese and Malcolm." said Dominic.
"All set." said Malcolm.
"The Sphinx." said Dominic. "Who the hell is the Sphinx?"
"That would be me." said a large man with a British accent.
"Oh Dominic, I'd like you to meet the Sphinx." said Memphis. "He's part of my auto theft crew."
"Oh yeah, you mentioned him a few times." said Dominic.
"And all this time, I thought he was from Long Beach." said Jesse.
"So, what are we doing with this junk?" asked Murdock.
"Luckily, I drew up plans." said Bruce. "Mason and Spike helped with them."
"These are mostly vehicles used by the various gangs in our world." said Mason.
"So, all that's left to do is everything." said Jesse.
Nearby, Sam Malone was on the phone. "So, the situation is a little tense here." he said. "We're mounting a rescue for one of the other Cannonballers and I was wondering if maybe your kids could lend some assistance."
"Sam, I know my kids aren't exactly angels." said Carla on the other end. "But you want to exploit their mischievous tendencies?"
"It's for a good cause." said Sam.
"Okay." said Carla. "What kind of forces are we talking about?"
"An international drug lord," said Sam "a couple hundred guards, some bloodthirsty henchmen, and we don't know what else."
"They're not that good." said Carla. "However, if you should find yourself in a bad part of South Boston, they'll get you and all the valuables out by daybreak."
Not far away, Mad Max was looking around concerned.
"You're thinking about the Warrior, aren't you?" asked Highway.
"He'll be there." said Max. "He's waiting for me."
"What are you going to do?" asked Highway.
"I have to end this." said Max. "But how do I defeat something that's nearly invincible?"
The T-X walked over. "Are you two going to help us out?" she asked.
"In a minute." said Max. "We're just pondering some tactics."
"If you don't hurry up, I might have to take your place." said the T-X.
"Wait, that's it!" said Highway.
"Brilliant!" said Max.
XXXXXXXXXX
In New York City, J and Mulder walked into a garage.
"Excuse us." said Mulder as they walked around the mechanics.
J walked over to a row of light switches and started flipping them. When they were flipped in a certain order, the floor lifted up, revealing a cache of space age weapons.
"I thought those switches didn't do anything?" asked one of the mechanics.
"What do these weapons do?" asked Mulder.
"They cause destruction." said J. "Just what we need, right?"
"Yeah, I guess so." said Mulder. He picked up a few guns, then saw a box. "What's in here?" he asked just before he opened it.
Inside were dozens of furry aliens and a medievel village.
"Oh, you found those guys." said J.
"Hey, it's the almighty J." said the aliens in unison. "All hail mighty J!"
"How are you guys doing?" asked J.
"We're fine." said the aliens. "How is the race going for you?"
"It's going well." said J. "Right now, we have to rescue a racer who was kidnapped by a madman."
"Alright!" cheered the aliens. "Go kick some madman ass! Oh, J, can you see?"
The two men then left. Just after stepping out, J turned around and took out his neuralizer.
"Sorry, guys." said J. He activated the neuralizer. "You did not see us come in and take a buttload of weapons. Oh, and those switches still do nothing."
K pulled up in the Lusso XT and opened the passenger side doors. "How'd you guys do?" he asked.
"We're armed to the teeth." said J as he climbed into the front.
Mulder climbed into the back and saw five wormlike aliens with arms and legs next to him.
"Hey, the MIB's have a new recruit." said one worm.
"No, he's got a different suit." said another worm.
"He's not with Men In Black." said a third.
"Poser." said a fourth.
"Uh, guys, we've got worms." said Mulder.
"Oh yeah." said K. "Guys, meet Mulder from the FBI."
"Hey, Mulder!" said the worms.
"Hi." said Mulder. "You're from New York I guess?"
"We're big worms." said one. "It's the Big Apple."
XXXXXXXXXX
At the junkyard in Vermont, the manager watched the race coverage on television.
"Right now, we don't have much to report on." said Phil.
"Mostly, that's because the racers are not doing much." said David.
"We'll try to get back to you with more to report." said Frankie.
"So, for now, we'll get back to you." said Schwag.
The manager was distracted by the scraping of metal on metal. He looked out his window to see a pile of cars shifting.
Outside, Jesse James and Memphis were using a tractor to drag an old El Camino away from the office.
"This thing's drivetrain is rusted through." said Memphis.
"Good thing we found that tractor." said Jesse. "We can use the drivetrain from that and possibly make a monster truck."
The manager stormed out of his office and said "What do you think you're doing?"
"Stealing." said Jesse.
"We're organizing a rescue effort for one of the Cannonballers." said Memphis.
"Take whatever you need." said the manager.
"Nice move." said Jesse as he picked up a discarded catcher's mask.
Dominic was talking with Jesse Richmond and Chester. "So, why did you stay?" he asked. "You were only supposed to stay here if you could work on a car."
"Well, we kinda missed the trip to the fortress." said Chester.
"What else is there?" asked Jesse.
"You could track down someone you know who can help us out." said Dominic.
"Like who?" asked Jesse.
"I dunno." said Dominic. "Anyone you ran across in the race."
Jesse and Chester looked at each other.
XXXXXXXXXX
The Modo Prego pulled into Ghostbusters headquarters in New York City. Peter, Winston, and Louis climbed out.
"Guys, I saw on T.V." said Egon. "What's going on?"
"We're putting together a rescue operation." said Peter.
"Need our help?" asked Ray.
"Yes." said Winston. "Egon, how's that ghost army project coming?"
"You want to use them?" asked Egon. "They're still a little unproven."
"Well, how are they coming?" asked Peter.
"They show a lot of promise." said Egon. "If Slimer is leading them, they pretty much pull together and follow orders."
"Good to know. Slimer!" said Louis.
Just then, a green ghost in the relative shape of a potato floated around the corner. It had a large mouth with teeth and long, thin arms. "Hey." it creeked.
"Slimer, we've got our first mission for the ghost army." said Ray. "Therefore, it's going to be up to you to lead them into action. You know you're qualified. Are you gonna do it?"
"Oh-kay!" said Slimer.
"Here's the location." said Louis as he handed the directions to Egon. "Get the army together and meet us there."
"You're leaving now?" asked Egon.
"We thought we might have to go a little reconaissance." said Peter.
"Good luck." said Ray.
Peter, Winston, and Louis got back into the Modo Prego.
"I see you didn't tell them about me." said John.
"It's a surprise." said Peter.
XXXXXXXXXX
Joel and Fearless
Joel drove across the bridge to North America.
"The Cannonballers are probably at the finish already." said Fearless.
"Maybe, but they've definitely got a bit of a lead on us." said Joel.
The car's phone rang and Fearless answered. "Smith and Stevens."
"Fearless, this is DeVille. I think we have a lead."
"You think we can get the Cannonballers?" asked Fearless.
"Forget them." said DeVille. "I did some checking. A drug dealer named Jimmy DeMarco just took one of the Cannonballers hostage. He's demanding the prize money as ransom."
"What are you saying?" asked Fearless. "We're helping the Cannonballers now?"
"We are." said DeVille. "Just like last year. The Cannonballers are staging the assault on DeMarco's fortress from a junkyard in Vermont."
"Alright. We'll be there." said Fearless. He hung up.
"What happened?" asked Joel.
"A drug dealer captured one of the Cannonballers." said Fearless. "We're supposed to work with them to perform the rescue."
"I think a drug dealer is a little worse than lead-footed maniacs." said Joel.
"Yeah, you're right." said Fearless. "Hey, check out that old Plymouth."
Joel pulled alongside an old Plymouth Fury at the next traffic light. "Watch this." he said.
He rolled down his window and said "Hey, that thing got a Hemi?"
The Fury just revved its engine and raced off.
"What's up with that?" asked Joel.
"Guess he's sick of that joke." said Fearless. "Come on, a '58 Fury wouldn't have a Hemi, even a red one."
Elsewhere, DeVille pulled up to a traffic light himself. A large, blueish-gray armored vehicle resembling a large R.V. pulled alongside him.
Gung Ho leaned out of the passenger-side window and asked "Hey, is this the way to Vermont?"
"Um, yeah." said DeVille.
"Merci." said Gung Ho. The vehicle rolled on.
"We're on our way to help the Cannonballers." said Stalker from the driver's seat.
"Mais oui." said Gung Ho. "It's the least we can do for them neutralizing the EDB."
"And with the R.O.C.C. on their side, victory won't be denied." said Stalker.
XXXXXXXXXX
Nash and the others made their way to the cabin where the meeting had taken place. Nash, Joe, and Mitzi, who was now wearing a white jumpsuit, climbed out of his 'Cuda.
"This is it." she said. "This is the cabin where he took us and did the nefarious deed."
"Alright, say no more." said Nash. "Joe, let's go for it."
Nash and Joe ran up to a pair of windows and drew their guns. Nash signaled to Joe, then they smashed open the windows. Joe fired a couple of shots and was greeted by a loud scream.
"Hold it. Hold it." said Nash. He reached over and turned on a lamp. He revealed Dale cowering by the door.
"I thought it was an outhouse!" he yelled.
"Damn." said Nash. He and Joe left the windows.
Nash's cell phone went off and he answered. "Talk to me, bubba."
"Nash, it's Chloe. I ran that check you asked for."
"Go ahead." said Nash.
"It's not good." said Chloe. "DeMarco owns a good portion of the local area. Finding that fortress is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack."
"Any good news?" asked Nash.
"I found out who built it and who we can get the blueprints from." said Chloe. "I've already sent Super Dave there since he has a history with one of them."
XXXXXXXXXX
At the Bluth Company...
"So, you're saying that we built this DeMarco guy's fortress?" asked Michael. "Great, first Saddam, now a vicious drug dealer. Is there anyone Dad didn't do business with?"
"All we need are the blueprints to the fortress." said Super Dave. "After that, we never spoke. We're going to put on a raid that's gonna blow your socks off."
"Okay." said Gob. "For a while, I thought that was going to be about the Pacific Ocean bridge collapse."
"Wait, that was your fault as well?" asked Fuji.
Gob looked at him for a second then mumbled "Don't think so."
"You've got some making up to do." said Fuji.
"I see." said Michael.
"Wait, Mikey." said Gob. "If these guys are planning a raid or something resembling one, maybe we can help."
"Or maybe we can get ourselves killed and take them with us." said Michael.
"I'm open to other suggestions." said Gob.
"How can you possibly help?" asked Super Dave. "I remember that magic show we did together. I still can't believe that car didn't explode."
"Well, maybe if you had stuck around instead of going to the hospital," said Gob "you would have noticed that I managed to get the fire under control."
"You know, Gob, that's actually not a bad idea." said Michael. "Maybe we can use one of your illusions to slip past the guards."
"Or maybe we can use one to send some of them to the hospital instead." said Gob. "Who knows? Maybe they'll face off with a little fireball!"
He quickly whipped his hand towards Super Dave and threw a fireball. However, Super Dave was standing too close and was set on fire. He ran out of the room screaming.
"You idiot!" said Fuji. "The man has been around petroleum products the last few weeks. How could you do that?"
"Oh right." said Gob. "First, you fart all over it. Now, you want to know how it's done. Come on!"
"What time is the invasion?" asked Michael.
"We'll let you know." said Fuji. "For now, we'll take those blueprints."
"Okay, I'll just find them for you." said Michael as Super Dave ran down the street engulfed in flames. "In the meantime, you can wait outside."
XXXXXXXXXX
Nash hung up his cell phone. "Thanks to Chloe, we know what's in the fortress, but we still don't know where it is."
"I'm starting to lose confidence in this girl." said Joe.
Just then, there was a rustling from the bushes. Nash pulled out his gun, then three backwoodsmen walked into view. One had a stocking cap and dark hair with a short beard. The second had black hair in a bowl cut and a lazy eye. The third had messy blonde hair and held his mouth open.
"Hi." said the man with the cap.
"How are you doing?" asked Nash as he put away his gun. "Inspector Nash Bridges, SFPD. And you are?"
"I'm Larry." said the man with the cap. He then pointed to the black-haired man and said "This is my brother Darryl." Darryl waved. Larry then pointed at the blonde man and said "This is my other brother Darryl." Blonde Darryl pointed to Nash.
"I take it you guys are from around here." said Nash.
"Sure are." said Larry.
"You wouldn't have happened to notice say...a fortress lying around, would you?" asked Joe.
"No, I don't think I would have." said Larry.
Blonde Darryl leaned over and whispered into Black-haired Darryl's ear. Black-haired Darryl then tapped Larry on the shoulder and whispered into his ear.
"OH! THAT fortress!" said Larry. "Yeah, I think I know where that is."
"Can you take us there?" asked Nash.
"Sure can." said Larry.
"Alright, hop in." said Nash as he pointed to the 'Cuda.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Heck no, I won't join you!" said Napoleon Dynamite. "Do I look like I can handle myself in battle?"
"But it's just us and a couple hundred of our closest friends." said Jesse.
"Well, you came to the wrong guy!" said Napoleon.
"Then maybe you can recommend someone who can help." said Chester.
"Maybe I will! Gosh!" said Napoleon.
XXXXXXXXXX
Shortly, Jesse and Chester found themselves downtown at a local martial arts dojo. In front of them was a well-built man wearing a black tank-top and American flag pants.
"I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to Rex Kwon Do." said the man. "I'm your instructor, Rex. So, what brings you here? Who sent you?"
"Napoleon Dynamite." said Jesse.
"Oh yeah, I kinda remember him." said Rex. "Gangly stringbean of a guy. Dances good."
"We need some assistance in raiding a fortress." said Chester. "They're holding someone we know hostage. We could use someone with fighting prowess for the rescue."
"Then you came to the right guy." said Rex. "For, you see, Rex Kwon Do is perfectly suited for a rescue operation. Just go in, get your man, get out, and take down any hooligan who gets in your way. In fact, I think I can give you a demonstration right now. Come on up."
Chester got up and walked to Rex. Jesse just leaned over a little. "Uh, is it okay if just Chester goes?" he asked. "My foot's asleep."
"Okay, here's what you do." said Rex. "I want you to come at me like you've got a knife."
"Don't do anything stupid." said Chester as he pretended to stab Rex. Rex grabbed his wrist and flipped him onto his back.
"Now can you tell me what mistake he made?" asked Rex.
"He didn't have a real knife." said Jesse.
"No, he tried to attack a practitioner of Rex Kwon Do." said Rex as Chester got back to his feet. "Okay, now I want you to try to grab me and wrestle me to the mat."
Chester got behind Rex and wrapped his arms around him. He then tried to wrestle him to the ground, only to be thrown to the mat himself when Rex gave him a quick flip.
"So, what time is the raid?" asked Rex.
Jesse and Chester walked out of the dojo. "What have we gotten ourselves into?" asked Jesse.
XXXXXXXXXX
At the junkyard, Jarod was reading through Bruce Lee's "The Tao of Jeet Kune Do".
Splinter walked up to him. "If you are planning to use martial arts in your battle, that is a good place to start." he said. "However, you might not have that much time to perfect your chosen art."
"Master Splinter, I believe you'll find me full of surprises." said Jarod.
Nearby, Joel Robinson had joined the SOL team.
"Hey, Joel, you brought your Snaction gear." said Tom.
"What is this stuff?" asked Mike.
"Back when I was on the Satellite," said Joel "Doctor Forrester would continue these special greetings from the Gizmonic Institute called Invention Exchanges. This was my contribution to one such exchange. It's called Snaction. I just thought that combining snack foods with martial arts weapons would be a good idea."
"So, what do we have here?" asked Crow.
"Well, we've got the stuff from the original Invention Exchange." said Joel. "Let's see. First, we have a Pixy Staff. It's a quarter staff filled with straight sugar. Next, we have the Flying Lady Fingers of Death, a combination cookie and thrown weapon."
"What's this?" asked Mike.
"That's based on a Chuck Norris film." said Tom. "We call it the Everlasting Octogobstopper. Over here, we have Wax Knuckles, like a wax lips/brass knuckles combo."
"And then, there's these." said Joel. "Ninja Throwing Cookies."
He picked one up and threw it at Gypsy. She caught it in her mouth.
"Those are tasty." she said.
"But that's not all." said Joel. "We've also got some new toys to play with. I give you Candy Chuks. You see, they're nunchuks made from candy canes. Also, we've got Candy Caltrops, which are candy corn dropped spikes. Finally, we have a Licorice Climbing Rope which is pretty much what it sounds like. So, what do you think, sirs?"
"Yeah, this should come in handy." said Mike as he picked up the climbing rope.
"Hey, something's going on at the entrance." said Joel.
Five vans pulled up into the entrance. They ended up parking next to each other.
A heavyset man with a missing left arm climbed out of the first van. "The name's Phil Cassidy." he said. "I'm looking for a Tommy Vercetti. I got a shitload of weapons for him."
"Nice to see you made it, Phil." said Tommy. "Cam Jones tipped me off on this."
"The rest of these guys with you?" asked Max Payne.
"Never seen 'em before." said Phil.
"I'm from the Carrington Institute." said the next driver. "I have some weapons and equipment for a Joanna Dark."
"Right here." said Joanna.
"I'm from UNITY." said the next. "I've got an equipment delivery for Cate Archer."
"Thanks for coming." said Cate.
"MI6 sent me." said the next. "An Agent James Bond supposedly requested some gear."
"I did indeed." said James.
"And who are you working for?" asked Francis of the last guy.
"Did somebody order a pizza?" he asked.
"Yo!" yelled Michaelangelo.
XXXXXXXXXX
At a state park in upstate New York...
"When's she supposed to get here?" asked Solid Snake.
"Soon, okay?" replied Ethan. "She'll be here."
Buffy and her team wandered into the clearing.
"So, this is the spot where he said we'd meet." said Xander.
"It's getting close to the meeting time." said Buffy. "I hope we're not late."
Then, they saw each other.
"What are you doing here?" asked Snake.
"We're meeting someone who can help us." said Willow. "Is that what you're doing here?"
"Yes, we are." said Ethan.
Just then, Tanya Adams parachuted into the clearing. "Hey, I thought you were coming alone." she said.
"Oh, we're meeting someone else." said Buffy.
"Here he is now." said Willow.
A Jeep pulled up and MacGyver climbed out. "Is this a surprise party?" he asked when he saw the others.
"Nice to see you too, Mac." said Tanya.
"Actually, the party's at Jimmy DeMarco's." said Xander. "Tanya, I believe you're bringing the party favors."
"After what you did with Yuri's fortress," said Tanya "I think I would like to run with you. Let's rock."
"Vermont, here we come." said Snake.
XXXXXXXXXX
Nash and the others seeking the fortress pulled up onto a cliff overlooking it. They all climbed out of their cars.
"Damn." said Nash. "This guy's got a decent spread going."
"Any ideas on how we're going to find out what's in there?" asked Joe.
"If it's okay with you," said Richard "I was thinking that maybe Larry, Bernie, and I could enter the fortress and take a look around."
"Are you sure that's safe?" asked Nash.
"Not at all." said Larry. "But someone has to do this. We don't exactly stand out, so we might have a chance to go in unnoticed."
"Well, if you insist." said Nash.
"Alright, we'll go in and look around." said Richard. "We'll try to memorize as much as possible and get out."
"Actually, that might not be necessary." said Dylan.
"What do you mean?" asked Joe.
"Charlie gave us a small camera system to use in case of situations like this." said Natalie. "It's small enough to fit in a baseball cap brim."
"I can attest to that." said Wayne. "Garth and I have been playing with it since Asia."
"On top of that, it broadcasts directly to a small monitor in the Karuma." said Alex.
"That sounds like a handy device." said Larry. "If it's okay, can you let us borrow it?"
"Of course." said Dylan as she handed it to him.
"Good luck, you guys." said Nash.
XXXXXXXXXX
In a fishing village somewhere in Brazil...
"Are you sure he's around here?" asked Lara.
"He should be." said Chun Li.
They heard a growl, then Blanka landed at their feet.
"What?" he asked. "What is the meaning of this crude interuption?"
"Blanka, we need your help." said Chun Li. "One of our competitors was kidnapped and we could use some assitance rescuing him."
"Why should I help you?" asked Blanka.
"Because we asked nicely." said Lara.
"We will fight." said Blanka. "If you can defeat me, I will help you."
"Sounds fair." said Chun Li.
Chun Li and Blanka took defensive stances on either side of the dock.
"Round one! Fight!"
"Who said that?" asked Lara.
Blanka quickly jumped into action and threw both of his legs into Chun Li. She blocked the kick and jumped back. After she sprung off the wall, she delivered a flying kick of her own. This one connected.
"Kikoken!" called Chun Li as she threw a fireball. Blanka blocked it, then launched into a Rolling Attack. He knocked her down.
Chun Li got back up and noticed Blanka pouncing on her. She jumped and performed a Rising Bird Kick. She sent him sprawling to the ground.
She landed and attempted a Head Stomp. He responded with his Electricity attack and shocked her to the ground.
He tried to perform his Hop attack, but she countered with her Spinning Bird Kick. She hit him several times and knocked him down.
He groaned as he got back up. "The time and place." he groaned.
"Here." said Lara as she handed him a slip of paper.
"I'll be there." said Blanka.
Lara walked over to Chun Li. "Nice work." she said.
"I am the strongest woman in the world." said Chun Li.
XXXXXXXXXX
At SIU Headquarters...
"It's beautiful." said Jesse as he looked at Zeke's GTO.
"This Foose guy is brilliant." said Dex.
"That looks nice." said Wildcat.
"Hey, guys." said Chip. "I heard from the guys in Vermont and they could use some help."
"Say no more." said Jesse.
"See you at the finish." said Dex as they started to leave.
"Okay, here's the plans." said Michael as he showed the blueprints to the Cannonballers.
"What's this?" asked Monk.
"Uh oh." said Chloe. "That looks like a K-1000 doomsday device."
"D-doomsday device?" asked Monk.
"Self-destruct mechanism." said Chloe.
Monk let out a whimper.
"Is there a way to disable it?" asked Perfect Tommy.
"Yes." said Chloe. "There should be two cutoffs in the fortress itself. If both are activated at once, the doomsday device will be shut down. Unfortunately, neither of those are on the blueprints. I'm going to have to get in there and work the computer to find it."
"Get in there and disable the doomsday device before they can set it off? Fat chance." said Stone Cold.
"Not necessarily." said Buckaroo. "This basement looks like a prime insertion point."
"The basement?" asked several people simultaneously.
"Are you out of your mind?" asked Harvey.
"Hey, keep in mind this guy's been through solid matter." said Antwon.
"Exactly." said Buckaroo. "I'm sure Brock will allow me to use the Oscillation Overthruster this one time."
"How are you going to generate that much speed?" asked Rob Zombie. "There aren't a lot of long fast stretches leading up to the fortress."
"And how are you going to stop?" asked Chloe. "Have you seen how little space there is in the basement?"
"I've got a plan." said Buckaroo. "It should work."
"What about security inside the fortress?" asked Perfect Tommy. "That place has got to be protected like Fort Knox."
"I'm going to need assistance in that department." said Buckaroo. "Chloe, maybe you can get one of your CTU cronies. Maybe if we're lucky, you can get us JACK BAUER?"
"Didn't you hear?" asked Chloe. "He's working for the Department of Defense now. He works exclusively with Secretary of Defense Heller."
AN:This is set prior to the fourth season of "24".
"Oh." said Buckaroo. "Well, is there someone you can call?"
"We've got this new guy, Curtis Manning, but he's working a case in Seattle." said Chloe. "And Chase is still recovering from his hand reattachment. Oh wait, I know who to call."
XXXXXXXXXX
The Ascent pulled into the fortress and parked in an out of the way spot. Richard and Larry climbed out.
"Did we have to bring Bernie?" asked Richard.
"We couldn't risk the others finding out about him." said Larry.
"Good point." said Richard.
They heard giggling.
"What's that?" asked Larry.
"It's coming from the trunk." said Richard.
Richard popped open the trunk and found Beavis and Butthead inside.
"Uh, hi." said Butthead.
"What are you guys doing in there?" asked Larry.
"We were playing hide and seek. Heh heh." said Beavis.
"Who was seeking?" asked Richard.
"Uh, was that important?" asked Butthead.
"Look, if you're going to join us, you might as well help out." said Richard.
"Don't you have a cousin named Richard?" asked Beavis.
"Yeah, Richard Head." said Butthead.
"Aim the camera at that building." said Larry.
Richard pointed the camera at the main building and asked "You getting this, Nashman?"
"Every bit." said Nash as he looked over Dylan's shoulder. "Keep looking around for a possible location for Stanley."
"Nice to see it's working so far." said Natalie.
"They want us to look around for a possible place for Stanley to be." said Richard.
"I think we should try that building over there." said Larry.
"Okay." said Richard. "Guard's coming."
"Hide." said Larry.
Larry and Richard ducked behind the Ascent and Richard set the camera on the car's trunk. The guard walked past.
"Okay, he's gone." said Richard.
Meanwhile, Beavis picked up the camera and looked into it. "Heh heh. Heeeere's Johnny." he said.
"What the hell?" asked Alex.
Butthead took the camera from him. "Watch this." he said. He moved the camera towards his crotch.
"No. No. No. No. No." said Nash.
Butthead stuck the camera into his pants. Nash, the Angels, and Wayne and Garth let out a moan.
"Whoa, I think I'm gonna hurl!" said Garth.
"No, Garth! Don't hurl!" said Wayne. "If you hurl, then Dylan's gonna spew! If Dylan spews, then Nash is gonna blow chunks! If Nash blows chunks, then Natalie's gonna puke! Then it's gonna be a major barf-fest!"
"What's going on?" asked Joe as he walked over. "Are they getting footage from the YAH!"
Butthead laughed as he worked the camera around inside his pants. Then, Larry snatched it away from him.
"Are you stupid or something?" yelled Larry. "This is not a toy! We are conducting a serious investigation here!"
"Larry?" said Richard.
"If you don't start taking this seriously, you can just go back to the car!" yelled Larry.
"Larry!" yelled Richard.
"What?" snapped Larry. He looked up to see they were completely surrounded by guards.
"We're having some fun now." said Nash sarcasticly.
XXXXXXXXXX
At the junkyard, Donatello rode up in a little cart.
"Hey, Donnie, whatcha got?" asked Memphis.
"I got a little alternator." sang Donatello as he handed him an alternator. "I got a little carburetor." he sang as he handed him a carburetor. "I got a little radiator." he sang as he handed him a radiator. "I got a little Waste-a-gate-or." he sang as he handed him a wastegate.
Jesse James got a call over his cell phone. He answered and discovered it was Buckaroo. "Hey, what's up?" he asked.
"Jesse, I need a high-performance vehicle I can use to make an insertion vehicle." said Buckaroo. "I think if I make the right plans, we can get into the fortress by the basement."
"Buckaroo, if you had a high-performance vehicle, would you let it be taken to a junkyard?" asked Jesse.
"What does he need a high-performance vehicle for?" asked B.A.
"He said he's going to make a vehicle to get into the fortress." said Jesse.
"I think I know just what he needs." said B.A.
XXXXXXXXXX
The Hunters sat around the lounge and played poker while Stanley sat in a chair near them bound and blindfolded.
"I'm thinking of a word that's always pronounced wrong." said Stanley. "It's always pronounced wrong. Give up? It's 'wrong'!"
Darden slammed down his cards. "Let me kill him." he said as he started to get up.
"Don't." said Korpi as he put his hand on Darden's shoulder. "If DeMarco comes down here and finds the guy dead, who do you think is gonna be next?"
"Relax, Darden." said Joe. "How much more annoying can he get?"
Stanley started to sing at the top of his lungs. "When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride 'til I get to the bottom AND I SEE YOU AGAIN!"
This time, Paul and Feliz dropped their cards and marched over to Stanley. They picked him up and carried him into the closet. They left him in there and shut the door.
"I think we're going to have to replay that hand." said Max.
"Hey, dontcha like the Beatles?" yelled Stanley from the closet.
XXXXXXXXXX
Jesse, Dex, and Wildcat showed up at the junkyard.
"Man, look at all this wasted potential." said Jesse. "Some of these cars could have been so gnarly."
"Some of them will be." said Bernard as he walked over. "We're amassing an army here."
"Wow, Sky Captain would flip if he saw this." said Dex.
"Hey, where is he?" asked Wildcat.
"Yeah, we haven't seen him in a while." said Jesse.
"I'll check." said Dex. He took out his radio and called Sky Captain. "Dex calling Sky Captain. Where are you?"
Sky Captain was at a research station in Antarctica. "Dex, I'm glad you called." he said. "I took some damage in Antarctica. I've been grounded while the base personel are fixing the plane. I heard about Stanley and I'll try to get to Vermont as soon as I can."
"Okay, we'll keep an eye out for you." said Dex.
"Kind of hard to believe a couple of weeks ago, we were ready to kill each other." said Ford as he dragged a rear axel over to a pile of junk.
"Got a point there, bro." said Jaleel. "What we're doing is joining forces over a common cause."
XXXXXXXXXX
"Those two burnouts just screwed up the whole damn investigation!" said Nash. "Right now, we need someone to get the hell in there and pick up where they left off! Tell me this: are you going to be that someone?"
"Inspector Bridges, you can count on us." said Chairman Kaga. "I may just be a businessman and my Iron Chefs may just be very excellent chefs, but we shall perform this to our best."
"Okay, I wish you luck." said Nash.
Kaga and the Iron Chefs started towards the fortress. That's when Joe came running over.
"Nash?" he said. "You gotta come see this!"
Nash ran over to where he indicated. "Holy crap." he said.
In front of him, Yuri had gathered his army on another cliff. About twenty units were parked. A Floating Disk drifted over the fortress and parked itself between the sun and DeMarco's office.
DeMarco was in his office looking at the Chaos mask when it was engulfed in shadow. He set the mask down and went out onto the balcony. "What the hell is this about?" he yelled.
"Jimmy DeMarco!" yelled Yuri over a loudspeaker. "You have in your possession the Chaos mask! That mask holds the secret to defeating my mind control abilities! You will give it to me or we will open fire!"
"You wanted it so badly, you should've gotten it yourself!" yelled DeMarco. "We got Spawodski, so we earned the right to the Chaos mask! Find another weakness in your power to cover up! There has to be a few of those!"
"I will give you three hours!" said Yuri.
"Fine! I'll be in the drug lab!" said DeMarco.
"We're not going to open fire?" asked the pilot of the Floating Disk.
"No." said Yuri. "Let's wait for the Cannonballers to show up. Then, we can use them against DeMarco."
In the fortress, Kaga and the Iron Chefs snuck through while everyone else was transfixed on the Floating Disk.
"(It's a good thing Yuri picked this time to show up.)" said Kobe.
"(I know.)" said Chen. "(He gave us an adequate distraction.)"
"(Come, we must find where the prisoners are being held.)" said Kaga.
XXXXXXXXXX
In Kentucky, Wario and his team sat on the deck of their cabin.
"It's a nice day." said Waluigi.
"Yeah." said Wario. "Wish we still had a pool."
"We could use some snacks." said Bowser.
"I'll get them." said Wario.
He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of chips. Just then, there was a loud crash from outside.
"What was that?" asked Wario as he walked through the door to the deck. He then fell five feet onto the collapsed deck face-first.
"Oh nothing." said Waluigi who was standing with Bowser on what remained of the deck.
Not far away, a vehicle that looked remarkably like a jet fighter on wheels raced down the highway.
"It's definitely fast." said Buckaroo from the driver's seat.
"It's a little hard to maneuver though." said Artemis from the passenger seat. "You missed a turn back there and took out someone's deck."
"Yeah, I have to work on that." said Buckaroo. "Thanks for helping me get it restarted."
"What did B.A. call this thing again?" asked Regis.
"He called it the SLF450X." said Buckaroo. "And no, I don't know what that means."
"Next stop is Vermont." said Artemis.
"Actually, we have a couple of stops to make." said Buckaroo. "First, we have to stop by the Banzai Institute to install the Overthruster and Hyperthruster, then Ghostbusters Headquarters to install the Ecto Booster."
XXXXXXXXXX
Nash looked out at Yuri's forces concerned.
"You alright, Nashman?" asked Joe.
"Yeah, I'm just wondering if we can handle both DeMarco AND Yuri." said Nash.
"I don't see how we can lose just yet." said Joe. "We've got quite a few tricks up our collective sleeves."
Just then, the Majestic pulled up. Joel and Fearless climbed out.
"Inspector Nash Bridges?" asked Fearless. "Detectives Smith and Stevens, LAPD."
"What can I do for you, bubba?" asked Nash.
Fearless looked a little insulted.
"Sherriff DeVille asked us to help you out in the raid." said Joel. "He says that an international drug dealer takes precedent over the Cannonballers."
"Well, it's about damn time." said Nash.
"We're prepared to give you any assistance you might need." said Fearless.
"We're still hammering out the details of a potential raid." said Joe. "You know, insider information, reconaissance, amassing forces. That kind of thing."
The Modo Prego pulled up.
"These guys might have something." said Nash.
Peter, Winston, Louis, and Danny climbed out.
"When's this raid supposed to start?" asked Danny.
"As soon as we can." said Nash. "The Ghostbusters get anything to help?"
"We sure did." said Peter. "We talked to Egon and he's bringing an army of ghosts."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Joe. "Don't you remember what happened in Europe?"
"I do." said John over the Modo Prego's radio.
Everybody looked at the Modo Prego in surprise. "I don't even want to know at this point what that was." said Nash.
XXXXXXXXXX
At the junkyard, Boomhauer and Wile E. worked together on a discarded ambulance.
"I think we gotta yank that dang ol' back end off!" said Boomhauer rapidly. "Then, we gotta bang bang bang on a rollcage for that ding dang turret!"
Wile E. stared at him, then held up a sign with multiple question marks on it.
"How am I supposed to help with this?" asked Reese. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do!"
"Why don't you do that trick where you turn off your brain?" said Malcolm. "Then, you just do what they ask of you."
Reese closed his eyes, then walked away with a vacant look on his face.
Malcolm turned to the camera and said "I'm so glad I can't do that."
The Hotknife pulled into the junkyard. DeVille got out and looked around.
"Hey, it's the chief of police." said Hsu.
"What brings you here?" asked Chan.
"I've come to help you rescue your friend Stanley." said DeVille. "Mr. X gave me a call and briefed me on my way here."
"You want to talk to the bald guy." said Hsu.
"Thank you." said DeVille. "By the way, aren't you the Tanaka Brothers? Video game designers?"
"That's us in a nutshell." said Chan.
"'Zombierama' just sucked big time." said DeVille.
"Why, I oughta...!" said Hsu.
XXXXXXXXXX
Richard, Larry, Bernie, Beavis, and Butthead were in DeMarco's dungeon chained to the wall.
"This sucks." said Butthead.
"Yeah yeah, heh heh." said Beavis. "This is really boring."
"If it helps," said Larry "try to imagine yourself somewhere else. Take a tropical island for example."
"Uh, okay." said Beavis. He closed his eyes. Soon, he imagined himself on a tropical island. He was basking in the sun. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. He was wearing sunglasses.
He was chained to two palm trees.
Suddenly, someone entered the cell where they were. Everybody (except Bernie) looked up to see it was the Warrior.
"So, what brings you to our humble abode?" asked Richard.
"You five are working with Rockatansky." said the Warrior. "I require your assistance in my mission to eliminate him."
"In what capacity would we assist?" asked Larry.
"You would be bait." said the Warrior.
"No way, buttmunch." said Butthead.
The Warrior extended a couple of knives from his arm and pointed them at Butthead. "Perhaps I should torture you a little bit until you give in." said the Warrior. "How do you want the torture to be performed? The blades under your fingernails? Lopping off your toes one by one? Hang you by your arms with heavy weights tied to your legs?"
"Uh..." said Butthead. "...uh...uh...uh...uh...could you, like, repeat the choices a few times?"
"Feigning stupidity will not save you." said the Warrior.
"I don't think he's feigning." said Larry.
"I will leave you to ponder your decision." said the Warrior.
The Warrior turned and walked out of the dungeon. On the way out, he passed a drug lab.
"This is our latest concoction." said a scientist.
"They look like M&Ms." said DeMarco.
"They're actually caffeine pills." said the scientist. "Yes, these contain caffeine, but we can hide virtually any drug in them. Cocaine, heroin, amphetamines."
"Interesting." said DeMarco. "How soon can you test on the prisoners?"
"We've still got some tests to run first." said the scientist.
XXXXXXXXXX
In the lunchroom, the Iron Chefs looked around.
"(We must have made a wrong turn.)" said Kaga.
"(This does not look like a high quality establishment.)" said Kobe.
"(This is obviously their lunchroom.)" said Chen. He looked at the schedule and said "(Uh oh, lunch is served in twenty minutes.)"
"(Hide in the kitchen.)" said Kaga.
Kaga led his Iron Chefs into the kitchen where the staff looked up at them.
"Greetings." said Kaga. "We have come to prepare a special gourmet meal for Mr. DeMarco's guards."
"Well, you're just in time." said the head cook. "Half of them are coming in for lunch soon."
"Very nice." said Kaga. "(Kobe, Chen, let's get to work.)"
"(Chairman, surely we're not going to prepare a meal for our enemies.)" said Kobe.
"(We are, but not a good one.)" said Kaga. "(I want you both to prepare a meal that will make the guards ill-equipped to fight.)"
"(I know just the thing.)" said Chen. "(Kobe, remember the match at the pre-race party?)"
"(Of course I remember.)" said Kobe. "(Strangest outcome of any of my matches. Why do you ask?)"
"(I watched the one called Reese during the match.)" said Chen. "(I think we can recreate his recipe.)"
Kobe took a look around. "(I hope we have enough tomatoes.)" he said.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Kaga hasn't called in yet." said Nash. "I hope he hasn't been captured as well."
"This probably sounds stupid, but maybe we can send in someone else." said Joe.
"How do we get someone else in there?" asked Nash.
"Perhaps I can help." said John Raimi through the Modo Prego's radio. "Since the guards can't see me, I can scout out the whole place completely undetected."
"Won't you lose energy over distances that long?" asked Louis.
"I can make it up." said John.
"Okay. Good luck." said Nash.
John left the Modo Prego and slipped across the cliff and down to the fortress. He entered the compound through the security camera and possessed the security system. He used the cameras in his attempt to find Stanley. He found the Hunters playing poker in the lounge.
"Why are they there?" asked John to himself. "Shouldn't they be guarding Stanley? Or are they guarding Stanley?"
XXXXXXXXXX
At the junkyard, almost a dozen vehicles were parked near the entrance. All had weapons and armor welded to them.
"Okay, people." said Dominic. "Our attack force is now complete. Let's get in and show them how we roll."
"Yeah!" yelled the Cannonballers.
"Listen, we know where this DeMarco is hiding out." said Memphis. "Now, we have to go and rescue our guy."
"Let's hit it!" said Jesse James as he donned the catcher's mask.
"We've got the Monster." said Dominic as he and his team approached a blue pickup truck with twin diesel stacks.
"We're using the Fireball." said Dex as he, Jesse, and Wildcat walked to a purple '69 Firebird.
"I guess the Primer's ours." said Daffy as he, Bugs, and Wile E. looked at a gray Camaro with a missing rear hatch.
"Gentlemen, we have the Brahma." said Hank. In front of them was the El Camino which was now painted red and mounted on the tractor chassis.
"This is ours, the Pinata." said Hsu as he and Chan started to get into a yellow Miata.
"Guys, I give you the Shag." said Donatello as he showed off a faded green van.
"This is what we're driving." said Bruce as he presented a gray Porsche 911. "It's called the Rattail."
Bernard, Sam, and Max walked over to a rusted gray delivery van. "Ben, are you joining us in the S.T.V?" he asked.
"No, I've got this." said Ben as he got onto the Stump.
"Looks like we've got the Lizard." said Ford as he climbed into a dune buggy with yellow roll bars and green panels.
"Nice rolling with you." said Jaleel as he climbed in.
B.A. and Murdock got into a platform with a caged turret on the chassis of the ambulance. "We're calling this one the Mercenary." said B.A.
"You coming, Michael?" asked Murdock.
"No, I'm going with KITT." said Michael as he climbed back into the Knight.
"I must be out of my programming." said KITT.
"What do you say to a partnership?" asked the Sphinx as he climbed into an orange '69 Camaro.
"Sounds lovely." said DeVille. "So, what's this car called?"
"Believe it or not, the Pumpkin." said the Sphinx.
"Who named it? Billy Corgan?" asked DeVille.
"Think these guys can handle the cars?" asked Spike as he got into the Omega.
"We're about to find out." said Mason as he got in.
"Ready to commit assault..." said Highway as he got into the Rigg.
"...and battery!" sneered Jetto as he climbed into the turret.
"Move out!" yelled Memphis.
XXXXXXXXXX
In the fortress lounge, the Hunters heard mumbling from the closet.
"Now what is he doing?" asked Lance.
"I dunno, let's check on him." said Korpi.
"If he's being annoying, waste him." said Darden.
Johnny opened the door. They found Stanley standing up next to the chair.
"Oh, guys." he said. "I need to have these ropes retied, they seem to have come off."
"How did you get loose?" asked Max.
"Oh, I got the ropes caught on this lever and they just unravelled." said Stanley. "Can you also do something with this device? The beeping is driving me crazy."
The Hunters looked at the device in question. It was one of DeMarco's doomsday device triggers...and Stanley had triggered it.
"Turn it off! Turn it off!" yelled Joe.
The Hunters (except for Paul and Feliz who were still playing poker) ran into the closet and tried to stop the countdown. Meanwhile, Stanley used the confusion to escape.
"Thank God we took care of that." said Johnny.
"Where's Stanley?" asked Korpi.
"He went out the door." said Paul without looking up from his cards.
"After him!" ordered Darden.
They ran out the door after Stanley and left Paul and Feliz to play their poker game.
"What do you have?" asked Paul.
"Two of a kind." said Feliz as he laid down his cards.
"Me too, same ones." said Paul as he did the same.
Feliz checked Korpi's cards. "Ooh, Korpi could've beaten us." he said.
Stanley ran down the hall and tried going through a door. A woman screamed on the other side. "Sorry." said Stanley. He started back towards the lounge and saw the Hunters chasing him.
"There he is!" yelled Lance.
Stanley ran back down the hall and entered the gym. He ran over to the climbing wall and tried to climb it.
"I've got this one." said Korpi. He climbed the wall after him.
Stanley reached the top of the wall and grabbed one of the ceiling rafters. He then crawled along it hand-over-hand. Korpi reached the top and tried to follow him. His hand slipped and he fell into a large mattress next to the climbing wall.
"Korpi, you alright?" asked Darden.
"I landed on my keys." groaned Korpi.
Stanley reached a rope running from the rafter to the wall and slid down it.
"We've got him." said Johnny as he and Lance ran to the other end.
Stanley let go of the rope and fell into a pile of basketballs. Johnny and Lance started to come at him. He picked up a basketball, threw it at Johnny, and yelled "Bombardment!" He hit him in the head, knocking him down.
Stanley picked up another basketball and threw it at Lance, again yelling "Bombardment!" Lance took it in the stomach and collapsed.
Stanley then climbed into a boxing ring and encountered Darden. Darden threw a straight punch, then an elbow strike, followed by a claw strike, then an uppercut, then finished with a spin kick.
Stanley threw an overheard strike, then a backhand punch, then a karate chop, followed by a straight punch, then finished with the stance for the crane kick.
Darden approached him and Stanley struck out with the crane kick. He hit Darden right in the groin.
After Darden fell to the mat, Stanley jumped out of the ring and Max cornered him by a punching bag. He took cover behind it and dodged Max's punches. After Max tried punching around the bag three times, Stanley shoved it into him.
He then ran for it, but tripped over a barbell. Joe came towards him as he was getting up. "End of the line." he said.
Stanley picked up the barbell and threw it at him. It knocked him down.
Stanley ran out of the gym and went to the elevator. He started to hammer the up button muttering "Come on, come on."
"He's at the elevator." said Korpi. Max, Darden, Johnny, and Lance were with him.
Stanley ran up the stairs next to the elevator. The Hunters followed him. Darden was bringing up the rear due to his injury.
"Wait up, guys!" yelled Joe as he removed the barbell from his chest. He got up and ran after them. By the time he reached the stairs, the elevator had arrived. He stepped in, completely unaware that John was in there as well and had possessed the elevator controls.
Joe pushed the button for the top floor. The elevator cruised up the shaft and the doors opened at the top. Just as Joe was about to step through, the doors snapped shut. Then, the elevator dropped rapidly and stopped just shy of hitting the bottom of the shaft. It then rose quickly and stopped, then dropped again. Joe started to visibly panic.
"Scared shitless." said John. "Just how I like it." He then left the elevator controls and headed for Joe.
At the top of the stairs, Stanley ran across the landing and tried to open the door to the balcony. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to open it before the Hunters arrived.
"No, no, we can talk about this." said Stanley.
"I say we cut off all his fingers!" yelled Korpi as he grabbed Stanley.
"Yeah!" yelled the other Hunters.
"After that, let's gouge out his eyes!" yelled Johnny.
"Yeah!" yelled the other Hunters.
"After that, let's yank out his intestines!" yelled Max.
"Yeah!" yelled the other Hunters.
"But before all that, let's let him go." said Stanley.
"Ye..." the Hunters started to yell before realizing who said it.
The elevator doors opened and Joe stepped out looking somewhat possessed (because he was).
"We are gonna have lots of fun with you." said Lance.
"Yeah!" yelled the other Hunters.
Joe then grabbed Lance and Johnny by the back of the head and slammed their heads together.
"Joe, what the..." Max started to ask before Joe grabbed him by the collar and punched him in the jaw.
"Whose side are you on?" asked Korpi just before Joe punched him. He was forced to release Stanley.
Darden jumped up and started to strangle Joe. John picked then to vacate his body.
"Darden, stop." gasped Joe. "Spadowski's getting away."
"Shut up, traitor!" yelled Darden.
"That bought him some time, but how much?" thought John. "I have to get help."
XXXXXXXXXX
"I'm getting worried." said Joe Dominguez. "What if John didn't make it?"
"Patience." said Nash. "Just wait."
Just then, the radio in the Modo Prego came on. "Is anyone there? I saw you out there!" said John.
The Cannonballers ran over to him. "John, what's going on?" asked George.
"Stanley managed to escape." said John. "But he's still trapped in the fortress. The Hunters are after him. They're going to kill him. You have to hurry."
Upon hearing that, George turned and ran for the fortress.
"There's a tunnel at the base of the wall." said John. "If you take that, you should be able to enter without being noticed."
George ran through the tunnel. Within a minute, he reached the end in DeMarco's fortress. He looked around for an entrance to the building. He found it quickly enough, but it was heavily guarded. He looked at the entrance and wondered how he'd get through. He then focused on the flashing red light over the doorway. It flashed over and over and over and over...
XXXXXXXXXX
A dozen of DeMarco's guards occupied the lobby. Two of them manned a walk-through metal detector with a flashing red light atop it.
George walked into the lobby wearing black combat boots, black pants, a black t-shirt, a black trenchcoat that was buttoned up, black sunglasses, and was carrying a black duffel bag.
He dropped the duffel bag onto the conveyor belt and stepped through the metal detector. He managed to set it off.
"Okay, open it up." said a guard.
George opened his trenchcoat to reveal about a half-dozen Super Soakers strapped to his body.
"Whoa, check this out!" said another guard. "Wait, how did plastic set off the metal detector?"
George grabbed two of the Super Soakers and blasted the two closest guards. The rest of the guards jumped into action as J.D. came in wearing a black leather jumpsuit, black boots, a black trenchcoat, and black sunglasses.
"How come I gotta be Trinity?" he asked as George handed him a pair of Super Soakers.
The guards fired their Super Soakers at George as he ran through the lobby. The shots of water hit the wall and blew holes in it. George then ran up onto the wall as it exploded behind him.
One of the sections of the wall fell away to reveal the back of a toilet and the man using it. He turned around to see what was going on and saw the hole. He used his newspaper to hide behind.
George hid behind a pillar and checked his Super Soakers. He glanced over his shoulder at the guards. He then flew across the lobby in slow motion firing off his Super Soakers in the process. He managed to take out a few of them and landed behind another pillar.
The remaining guards fired on George's position. They punched holes in the pillar while George checked his Super Soakers. J.D. hid behind another pillar which was also getting shot up.
"What is this? Flour?" asked J.D.
George and J.D. dove across the lobby again firing on the guards. This time, they took out all but one.
George dropped the Super Soaker and ran towards the guard. The guard raised his Super Soaker, but George got to him first. He jumped and pulled up his legs. The action froze long enough for the shot to rotate around them. At the end of the rotation, George shot out his leg and kicked the guard in the chest, knocking him across the room.
J.D. picked up the duffel bag and said "Let's go."
George gave him a thumbs-up and turned to the elevator. He stopped when he felt something was wrong. He looked down and discovered he'd split his pants when he kicked the guard. He walked to the elevator while holding his inseam together.
George and J.D. stepped into the elevator. Just after the doors closed, a stone panel fell over.
On the roof, George and J.D. found a few more guards surrounding a helicopter. They equipped themselves with Super Soakers and strolled towards the helipad.
The guards started to attack them, but they fought back with both barrels.
The helicopter pilot watched this. Suddenly, he started to flicker and distort. Quickly, he turned into Dick Van Patten. A second later, he turned into DeMarco wearing a black suit and sunglasses.
As the last of the guards fell, DeMarco approched and said "Mr. Newman."
George and DeMarco faced each other with their Super Soakers. Finally, DeMarco fired his at George. George fell back in slow motion as the shots of water wizzed over him.
While he was leaning back, George walked towards a horizontal pipe as Jamaican music played. He leaned a little lower and walked under the pipe. After he made it through, he held out his hands in a victory pose, then fell onto the roof.
DeMarco walked up, pointed his Super Soaker at him, and said "Only human."
J.D. pointed his Super Soaker at the side of DeMarco's head at point-blank range and said "Dodge this."
J.D. fired a shot of water, but DeMarco quickly tilted his head.
"Well, what do you know?" said J.D. "He dodged it."
George kicked DeMarco in the side of the leg. J.D. then blasted him. George got back up, then he and J.D. approached the helicopter.
"I got this one." said J.D. as he took out his cell phone and dialled. "Hey, Carla? I've got a helicopter right here. I need to know how to fly it."
"Coming right up, Bambi." said Nurse Carla on the other end as she typed on her computer.
There was a buzzing sound. Then, J.D. held up the instruction manual for the helicopter. "Uh huh, I think I've got this." he said.
In the office below, DeMarco was taunting Stanley. Stanley was wearing a dark suit with a black trenchcoat and sunglasses.
"You know what you are?" asked DeMarco. "You're a loser. Your friend Mr. Newman is a loser. I'm willing to bet anyone else in this daydream is also a loser."
J.D. flew the helicopter closer to the window. George attached a bungee cord to his belt and prepared to jump. He looked at a sign next to the door that read "No bungee jumping" and ripped it off the wall. He then jumped out of the helicopter and swung towards the window.
XXXXXXXXXX
George swung through the window and returned to reality. DeMarco and the Hunters had finally recaptured Stanley and were right in front of him. He sprung back up and approached DeMarco while performing kung fu punches and strikes. Finally, he stopped and held up his hands fingers up, knuckles facing DeMarco. He used his closer hand to beckon him.
"What's this guy doing?" asked Korpi.
"I know kung fu." said George in a very Keanu Reeves voice.
Darden put a gun in his face.
"Oh, you have one of those." said George. "Look, if it's not too much trouble, can I just take Stanley and leave?"
"Oh no." said DeMarco. "We've got some major punishment for you. Take them to the Pit. I'm going back to my office."
George and Stanley were led into the main hallway. The Hunters were right with them. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
"Max, go see who that is." said Darden.
Max walked over to the door and opened the peephole. He saw Marcus running towards him. Marcus jumped at the last second and kicked in the door, right on top of Max.
Up in his office, DeMarco ran to the balcony to see the Cannonballers approaching.
Dominic parked the Monster and let Jesse climb onto the roof. Memphis leaned out of the window and yelled "Ladies and gentlemen! Jesse James! The master fabricator! The vanilla gorilla! The Ayatollah of rock and rolla!"
Jesse flipped down his catcher's mask and picked up a megaphone. "DeMarco!" he growled in a very low, raspy voice. "All we want are George and Stanley! The rest of you can leave! Just walk away and I'll spare your lives! Just walk away!"
DeMarco picked up a microphone of his own and the P.A. system in his fortress whined with feedback. "You think you can threaten me?" he said before feedback squealed again. "Are you looking for a response?" Again, more feedback. "Well, here's my response! Go..." Feedback drowned out his next word. "...yourself!"
"Okay, bonehead didn't bite." said Jesse to Dominic and Memphis. "Let's rumble."
Dominic hit the play button on the CD player.
Yeah!
Dominic activated the weapon systems in the Monster.
Kick it!
The other Cannonballers activated the weapon systems in their cars.
You wake up late for school, man, you don't wanna go.
You ask your mom "Please?", but she still says "No"
You missed two classes. Have no homework.
But your teacher preaches class like you're some kinda jerk.
You gotta fight,
for your right,
to party!
A group of construction workers in the tower marched down the ramps. One hung his sledgehammer on the wall on the second floor.
You pop caught you smoking and he says "No way"
That hypocrite smokes two packs a day.
Man, living at home is such a drag.
Now, your mom threw away your best porno mag.
(Bust it!)
You gotta fight,
for your right,
to party!
"It's-a party time!" said Mario.
"Let's get 'em!" said Sonic.
"Don't step out of this house if that's the clothes you're gonna wear"
"I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair"
You mom busted in and said "What's that noise"
Aw, mom, you're just jealous. It's the Beastie Boys!
You gotta fight,
for your right,
to party!
You gotta fight,
for your right,
to party!
Party!
-"Fight For Your Right (To Party)" by the Beastie Boys