6.
Alive or dead?
The last and most important question. What are we?
You've ascended to zombie status if you meet the following requirements.
...1. You were infected with a contagious virus that is transmitted primarily through the bite of another individual.
...2. After being bitten your heart stopping beating at some point.
...3. After said point, you got back up.
...4. Your goal is now the consumption of flesh and therefore the transmission of zombie-hood to all that you encounter.
...5. You may or may not have higher brain functions – we weren't all equal in life either.
Alive? Or dead?
Which is it?
Buddhism ascribes to a middle path. Therefore, all of the conditions listed above are concrete phenomenon. They are a 1 or a 0, with no grey areas between them. But being a zombie is walking that grey area. We are the fuzzy logic of the universe, located in the middle ground and defying easy mathematical description.
Meditation will help bring you closer to understanding this concept. I recommend walking meditation for those still mobile. It serves the two-fold purpose of meditation and looking for someone to chew on. But for our mobility-impaired brethren, stationary meditation also works as good cover to remain motionless until some idiot doesn't realize you're laying right there in the shadows. Hey, double-tasking isn't just for the office.
The middle path is the easy one.
We are zombies. A state of being that is the ideal. Conversion of all mankind is not only our prerogative, but tasty and delicious at the same time.
I've set you on the path. But each zombie must find his own zen. Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to finish off this fingerbone before it starts to rot. Everyone say it with me, "Mmmmm, marrow."
Infection with madness inducing agents, however similar, is not being a zombie. This condition will be addressed in my next super-short pamphlet, "Crazy and on a Deadline", available March 2008. It will include how-to's on surviving the pecker melting DC2, the Rage, and random other military biological weapons that you might encounter.