Pieces of Emotional Baggage

Boxing Day offered Harry and Ron a whole new world. Harry had not had fun times with the Dursleys and Ron had never spent time in Muggle society. But on this day, the boys and Hermione left their wands safely behind at the cabin and piled into Zelda's old van.

'Mom, we'll call from Michael's this evening and see you tomorrow," Lily called as Elijah scraped the last ice from the windshield.

Seated in the middle seat, Harry squirmed irritably. He had never been without his wand, not as long as he'd had it. He glanced back at Ron, sprawling in the far back seat, and got a beaming smile in return.

"Music, women!" ordered Elijah as he climbed in. "Since you two get the front, you may serve our auditory needs. And since we can't get radio, you know what that means."

Lily grinned at Hermione. "Push that cassette in, would you? We won't have to listen to Bob Marley once we get a radio signal, but for now we'll give the boy his way."

Since her parents had a tape player in their car, Hermione knew what to do. But Elijah, unlike her parents, liked his music loud. Smooth reggae music filled the car.

"You okay, Harry?" asked Elijah softly, looking closely at him as they began driving on the narrow road out of Michael's land.

"Yeah," Harry replied slowly. "It's just weird for me. I'm not used to being normal, living like an ordinary person."

"Would you feel better with your wand? I keep forgetting you've been in a war. Feeling normal might be hard for you."

Harry nodded, feeling ashamed. "I would feel better," he said quietly.

"Lils, stop please. Harry forgot something."

When the car stopped, Harry got out. "I'll be right back," he said.

He Apparated back to the cabin and quietly slipped inside.

"Did you forget something?" asked Zelda cheerfully. She was still washing up after breakfast.

"Yeah. I'll be off again in a sec," he replied awkwardly, heading for his room.

He slammed his bedroom door as he ran out of it, and crashed into someone as he raced through the cabin, staggering back in shock.

"Is there an emergency, Potter?" asked Severus coldly, regaining his footing.

"I forgot something, Sir," he gasped, feeling guilty. "I'm going now."

"Find a more discreet place than your back pocket," advised Severus. "And don't look so bloody guilty. It doesn't matter if you bring your wand, as long as you don't perform magic."

"I should've been able to do it," he muttered.

"You cannot force yourself to feel secure," said Severus coolly. "Take the wand and enjoy your vulgar Muggle entertainment."

"Thanks, Professor," Harry said, feeling unaccountably better. It wasn't the words, he thought, or the tone of voice. More that he'd bothered to say something at all. "See you tomorrow."

Severus nodded and watched Potter run back out the door and Disapparated. He turned to Zelda, frowning.

"He returned for his wand."

"I wondered if he'd be able to do without it," she said. "He's been in danger for a long time, hasn't he? I wish he could see Michael professionally."

"Perhaps if Michael suggests it to him?"

"Let's ask him. Harry's seventeen, too young to be burdened by the past for his whole life."

"All right," he replied. "Now, my dear girl, I believe we're alone at last."

Zelda folded the dishtowel neatly and hung it up. She turned to him with a happy smile.

"Michael and Kingsley won't be back until dinner, and the kids won't be back until late tomorrow. What would you like to do? Your wish is my command."

His mocking smile told her that a nap was on the agenda, but then he surprised her.

"Last summer, I wonder if you remember that you made a very excellent stew. Show me how you make it, please, and we'll prepare dinner before moving on to other activities."

She looked blank, then chuckled. "I forgot at first, but I'd love to. We'll use a can of Michael's precious Guinness, and we have all the other ingredients, I think. Shall we bake bread too? When I make stew, I get into a baking mood."

They spent the next two hours cooking together companionably, with a feeling of quite unaccustomed leisure.

The stew was simmering on the stove and Zelda put two loaves of bread in to bake. She rose and said, "Not long until the bread's done. I'd love a cup of tea while we wait, how about you?"

When he nodded, she busied herself once more, putting water on to heat and gathering the tea accessories. Then she sat down across the table from him and smiled.

"Do you miss your cauldron and your Potions classes?" she asked lightly. "I wonder if that's why you had the urge to cook."

He considered her question seriously. "How odd that you'd ask that. I didn't even teach Potions last year. I taught Defense Against the Dark Arts. There was a curse on the position, which meant I would not have it for more than one year. In spite of the nightmare unfolding around me, I've always loved that subject."

"What do you love about it?" she asked curiously.

"Those who practice the Dark Arts are not limited by human decency or compassion. They manipulate spells, distorting magic to do evil, constantly pushing the limit. Opposing those Dark wizards is important, as well as endlessly challenging."

"You like to be on the edge, I see," she said. "Was it horrid to teach Potions?"

"Teaching Potions is a nightmare. Apathetic and inept students cause disasters, and few students care for the subject. I do not miss teaching Potions, and especially not to Neville Longbottom, but I miss brewing potions."

She smiled. "What do you like about it?"

"No one's ever asked before," he said. "I should say the precision of it, rather like cooking. Accurate potion brewing gives amazing results, although not everyone cares to bother. The theories are fascinating as well." He ducked his head briefly and added, "It is also… I find it to be quite lovely. I can tell by the look and the smell if it is right, you know. The look of a potion, the thickness and color, the differences are subtle and elegant. Theory and practice, I er, like it very much."

"Are you embarrassed to admit you love your science?" she asked kindly. "I've met Muggle scientists who have similar feelings toward their lab work."

She rose and made tea, then sat down again.

"Most wizards are more impressed with flashy wand-waving," he said scornfully. "Potion making requires patience and attention to detail."

"Most wizards are probably not as brilliant as you are," she said. "Or as wonderful."

"In my limited experience of viewing other men's marriages, I never realized that a wife would stroke my ego as you do," he said. "I'm unaccustomed to such appreciation."

"As soon as the bread's finished baking, I'll be happy to appreciate you some more," she offered.

He took another sip of tea. "This holiday with you is restoring my faith in Christmas."

"Mine too," she replied. "I've done my job for Lily and Elijah, probably not as well as I wish, but I tried hard. It was important and I was the only one who could do it, but… Sev, I was alone and closed down emotionally. I never knew I could be as happy as I am with you."

The timer on the stove rang, and Severus smirked as she took the bread from the oven.

"It smells splendid," he said. "You must be exhausted after your labors, my pet."

She sighed dramatically. "Shattered. I believe I must retire to bed, Professor."

"Shall I assist you?" he asked, his eyes gleaming.

"If you please," she murmured faintly.

She cast an eye once more around the kitchen to be sure everything was in order and then laughing, she leaned on Severus's strong arm and tottered absurdly off to bed with him.

&&&&&&&&&

The young people called on the phone early in the evening and fortunately Zelda and Severus were awake to take the call.

"Zelda? It's Harry. We're having the most incredible fun here, I wish you were with us," he said, his voice vibrant with excitement.

"That's great," she replied. "What did you do today?"

"We saw two movies. First was Scream 2, and it was ghastly. But Elijah laughed through most of it. You Muggles are a cold lot! Then we went to the Dollar Cineplex and saw The Full Monty."

Zelda laughed. "I saw that one. What did you think of it?"

"I was sitting between Lily and Hermione. Lucky it was dark, so they couldn't see me blushing," he confessed, chuckling. "We went to a huge shopping mall too. The girls went shopping, but Eli took Ron and me to a video arcade and a music store. Hey, just a minute!"

There were laughing voices in the background. While Zelda was waiting, she smiled at Severus.

"They're having fun," she said, putting her tongue out at him when he rolled his eyes and snorted.

"Zelda? I'm back. Michael and Kingsley will be back there in about twenty minutes, they said. We're staying here and we'll be back tomorrow night. We're going to see another movie called Titanic tomorrow and we're going to Pedro's for pizza tonight. They're making me hang up now. Ron says he'll faint if we don't eat soon."

"Have fun tonight and we'll see you tomorrow," she said, smiling affectionately. "Bye, Harry."

She hung up and turned back to Severus. "Michael and Kingsley will be here in twenty minutes. How clever you were to suggest cooking earlier. All we have to do now is heat the stew and decide if we want wine with dinner."

He began setting the table. "It is peaceful without them here, isn't it?"

"It is, but I miss them too. They won't be around much longer, you know. They're all on the verge of having their own lives. They're great kids."

He scowled and muttered, "In general, I find your loving heart endearing. But your affection for Potter is rather sick-making."

She turned away from the stove to glare reproachfully at him, but said nothing.

Severus realized with a thrill of utter disgust, that he was jealous of her feelings for the bloody brat. Worse yet, Zelda had known it before he had. He closed all expression off of his face and stared defiantly at her.

Her eyes grew wide and she said slowly, "It seems anything I say will only make it worse. Is there some face-saving gesture I can make that'll help?"

"Never having been in this situation before, I cannot say," he replied grimly, fighting his instant desire to turn and leave the room.

She covered the stew and turned the heat down.

"Michael and Kingsley will be here in a few minutes. Come sit down with me," she said, ruthlessly pulling him over to the couch.

He sat, rigid with embarrassment and furious with himself. He hated his emotions deeply at that moment.

"I've wondered how you can be so brilliant, you know. I suspect that you know as much of magic as fifty ordinary wizards and your power is something I should probably be terrified of," she commented.

She rubbed her hand lightly over the hand he was trying not to clench.

"We pay for such extreme specialization. I have reason to know that you're a passionate man, my husband, but you've ignored your heart, haven't you?"

Wordlessly he looked at her. His eyes were like obsidian, giving nothing away. This, he thought, was dreadful. How could he be jealous of Harry Potter? How despicable and humiliating.

"Feelings are primal, uncontrollable and deeply rooted in us. We can choose how we act on them, not what we feel, Sev," she said softly. "You hate not being perfect, so I'll shut up. You know and I know, and I hope you'll forgive me for knowing."

He closed his eyes, loathing his inadequacy. When he opened them she was heading for the stove. His first impulse was to go to her, but irritably, he wanted to understand himself. So he stayed there until Rowena's barking signaled the arrival of their friends.

"Zelda! What smells so fabulous?" asked Michael, going straight to the stove and lifting the lid on the large pot.

Kingsley kissed her cheek and whispered, "Miss me, Zelda?"

She chuckled. "Every minute. How did the house cleaning go today?"

"Another day or two and Michael says it'll be ready to put on the market. But our flat is full of his treasures now, so we'll have plenty to do when we go home."

"Idle hands are the devil's tools," she said with a mocking smile. "You two can behave yourselves for a change and engage in honest labor."

The Auror glanced into the other room, where Severus sat brooding.

"Hey, mate! Some of us have put in a day of honest labor. Are you ready for dinner?"

Severus forced his unproductive thoughts aside and rose. Sometimes, he thought, a spy's discipline was useful.

Michael was opening a bottle of red wine. "Did you two have a productive day? I feel unusually virtuous after all that work."

"We made dinner for you," replied Severus cynically. "Was there something more that you required?"

Zelda came to meet him, her eyes searching his anxiously. She put her arms around his waist and her head against his shoulder.

Warmth kindled in him and he murmured, "Zelda."

When she looked up, he rubbed his nose against hers and kissed her softly.

"I dislike acting the idiot," he whispered. "It seems Potter is the most frequent cause of my idiocy."

"Do I have to say it?" she whispered back, offering love for his Legilimency to read.

He kissed her again and managed a faint smile. "I do know," he murmured.

"Are we okay?" she asked, still worried.

"If you'll try not to despise me, I'll try not to be such a pathetic ass in the future."

Her lips quivered and she struggled not to cry. He was completely serious, she realized. "Don't insult my wonderful husband," she hissed. "Now come to dinner."

As they sat down, Michael filled their bowls with stew while Kingsley poured the wine.

"I see you baked bread, Zel. Just for King and me, of course," Michael said cheerfully.

"I live to please you two," she said, smirking.

"Good," he replied, smirking in return.

They talked a while about the logistics of magical moving and of selling one's house.

"It's harder than I thought it would be to finally move everything," he said. "On the bright side, we have plenty of room for the few little things I want to bring to London."

Kingsley snorted. "You've got enough to fill five flats, man. If I hadn't created wizard storage in the spare room, we'd have had to hire a barn for all of it."

Michael grinned endearingly and even Severus had to smile at him.

"Can I change the subject?" asked Zelda. "How did Harry seem to you when you saw him this evening?"

"Practically giddy," said Kingsley. "The kid's never had the chance to just be himself and have fun. They wallowed in Muggle activities. Movies! He seemed shocked by that Scream movie, so Lily decided they should see The Full Monty. They all loved that one."

"Lils seems taken with Harry. She likes them all, but I swear she wants to be that boy's mother," Michael mused. "If she's not careful, he'll end up totally infatuated with her and Ginny Weasley won't be pleased."

"She doesn't realize the effect she has on the boys, even when she's not trying to have an effect," agreed Kingsley. "She's a gorgeous girl."

"Back to Harry," murmured Zelda. "Did you know he came back for his wand? Michael, he's a prime candidate for your clinic. He's never felt safe and happy for more than a short time in his life and I think he's lost his bearings. Can he come to see you?"

"I can't kidnap him if he doesn't want to do it, but I'll try to talk with him over the next few days. "

"Thanks, babe," she said. "I'll encourage him if it'll help."

Severus found his grim mood easing as the evening went on. His nasty piece of insight still rankled, but he realized no matter how pathetic he was, Zelda was not disturbed one whit and would let him sort it out. Furthermore, her affection for Potter took nothing away from him. Zelda was his wife and chose him before any other. It soothed him to know at last he was loved first and best. He laid his hand gently on her knee under the table, and though she was talking to Michael, she laid her hand on his and squeezed firmly. It was as reassuring as a kiss, he thought.

While they all tidied up after the meal, Zelda asked, "When will Ginny be coming to stay? Arthur and Molly will be here for New Year's Eve, but Ginny will be along sooner, won't she?"

"A couple more days," replied Michael. "I felt a little bad about having her stay away, but her Auntie Muriel is visiting with them, so she needed to stay and do the family thing. Also, I told Molly about my plan for this place and that I wanted Lily and Eli to have some time alone with Harry, Hermione and Ron. Since they'll all be sharing this place long after I'm dead, I wanted them to become friends. Molly liked the idea."

"You also wanted to give Harry another surrogate family," said Zelda. "He desperately needs one, doesn't he? Not to mention, giving Lils and Eli some connection to the wizarding world. You're a clever one, aren't you?"

"Motives on motives on motives," he murmured dreamily. "I've got a million of 'em."

"I should say so," she replied.

"Hey, I have great news, too," he added. "We saw Jess today. Since I'm in town, we all made a date for The Blue Moon for tomorrow evening. You two are coming along."

Zelda looked pained. "All?" she asked.

"The kids too," he smirked.

"We'll all enjoy watching you sing," she said defiantly.

"Of course you will."

His innocent smile didn't fool her.

"I hope Hermione knows her Indigo Girls," said Zelda. "She sang before, so she and Jess can go for it. I've retired from Karaoke Night."

Severus barely remembered the time he saw Zelda sing with her young friend. He had been ill, severely battered and suffering from concussion when Zelda found him. Those early days had a fascinating, dreamlike quality.

"Well, no pressure," Michael murmured. "Anyway, King and I have worn ourselves out moving, so we'll be heading off to bed. You two lovebirds stay out of trouble. You can make breakfast in the morning too.

"You've forgotten that I don't cook," she replied.

"Of course we'll make breakfast," said Severus. He looked reprovingly at Zelda.

"Of course we will," she echoed with a sigh, although her eyes were twinkling.

Michael's eyes narrowed and he stared at her. "Waffles," he pronounced. "Vermont maple syrup, sausages and fresh squeezed orange juice. Nine o'clock."

"That's the problem with him," she told Severus. "Give him an inch and he's all over you."

"Is that a bad thing?" asked Michael, smirking.

She shook her head hopelessly. "You're too much, babe. I'm going to take advantage of the absence of young people and go soak in a relaxing bath. You guys can take care of Rowena for me, since I'll be awake at the crack of dawn milling the flour and tapping maple trees in Vermont."

She headed for the bedroom, chuckling.

"Good night," Severus said, following Zelda toward their room. "Stay out of trouble."

"Don't you want to hang out with us, Severus?" asked Michael. "You don't need to rush away."

"Tempting as that sounds, Zelda will need my assistance," he said smoothly.

"She probably managed before she met you," drawled Kingsley. "Care to tell us how she needs your help?"

"Use your repulsively fertile imaginations," suggested Severus. "Take care of Rowena and I shall see you at breakfast."

&&&&&&&&&

Severus entered their room to find Zelda slipping into the robe he'd given her for Christmas.

"How does it look?" she asked.

"Excellent, because you're wearing it. Shall I fill the bath for you?"

"You could fill the bath for both of us, if you'll join me," she offered.

"I was merely awaiting an invitation," he told her, reassured. He had worried that his earlier behavior might have offended her, but she was no less loving than before.

"Five minutes," he said when he returned to the bedroom.

"May I help with this?" she asked, reaching to unbutton his shirt.

He cupped his hands on her cheeks and kissed her as she worked away.

"Severus," she said softly, removing his shirt, "I have no intention of pestering you to talk, if you don't want to, but I'll always listen if you feel like talking. And don't ever think I'll love you less for any reason, okay?"

"I do not care to discuss my emotional baggage, as you call it," he said. "I love you, Zelda, and that's what matters between us. I hope you aren't offended."

She pressed her face against his bare neck and hugged him close. "Don't be ridiculous. Dear boy, I'm too old to think forcing confidences from you would do anything but hurt our relationship."

Her words and her caressing hands soothed him. "My clever girl," he whispered, kissing her some more.

"Our bath is ready," she said. "We don't have a thing to think of except us, for hours and hours. Come scrub my back for me. That's why I married you, you know."

"Is it?" he asked as they moved into the steamy, scented bathroom.

"One reason. I have a very long list, actually. Would you like me to tell you all of it, while I finish undressing you?"

As the last of his clothing was removed and her hands began exploring fresh territory, he murmured hoarsely, "Please tell me more. Then I'll tell you my reasons. My list is also quite long."

He slipped the robe off her shoulders and they climbed into the warm bath together. He knew he was a most fortunate wizard and he looked forward to a very pleasant night.