Master Nin R
Niklas "Hawk" Jonsson

Summary: Naruto, desperately needing advice on how to handle his newly aquired girlfriend, turns to the worst possible source for male-female relationship advice in the Narutoverse. ... Or does he?

Disclaimer: Naruto, Konoha and whatnot are not mine, though I certainly wish they were. The story is mine though, all mine.
If the layout looks screwy or symbols seems to be missing, you're probably reading the quickedit-mangled version of this fic on ff dot net, if it grates on your nerves too much, read it on hawksgalaxy dot com or something.

Feedback/Flames: Yes, please. Both of them are equally fun to read, although I must admit that I greatly prefer the first variety. :)
I can be found on ICQ as 21771860, MSN Messenger/E-mail as iamhawk at yahoo dotcom, though not very frequently as real life lately interferes with my online existance more then I'd like. More stories are available at my nifty lil' site at hawksgalaxy dot com or by clicking on my handle up above.

"speech"
emphasis/shouts/Kindred Domination/post-hypnotic triggers
/thoughts/
/telepathy/
translation
+soundeffect/radio/telephone conversation/TV+

Previously, on 'Master Nin'

"Nothing but trouble..." Naruto groused, rubbing several small bruises, as he waited for his Ramen. After Kakashi's abrupt departure, Tsunade had been too irate to make much sense, so Naruto had left rather hastily in order to give her a chance to calm down without ever finding out why she wanted to see him in the first place. He brought out the book he'd gotten from Kakashi, fingering the worn cover for a while, before he shrugged and opened it, deciding to have a look at it to see just what all the fuzz was about.

Several hours later, with only a handful of bowls of Ramen consumed, Naruto slammed the book shut, blinking several times.

"And here I thought Jiraiya was perverted before..." he muttered, shaking his head. "Well, at least he's got a knack for writing." he admitted with a fierce blush, as he recalled several rather lurid passages. Well, that would describe just about any part of the book, but Naruto was recalling some extremely lurid passages. There had even been pictures, diagrams and at the end, a table with perverted statistics and complicated formulas for sexual and sensual prowess.

He'd just received more sex education in the last couple of hours, then in his entire life up until now.

Which was why he had no idea of just how flawed his new-found 'knowledge' of sex truly was or how much trouble he'd wind up in because of it!

Fortunately, he was now aware of the fact that there were several holes in his knowledge and experience base.

Unfortunately, the book had given him the entirely wrong idea of how to go about fixing that situation.

Roll credits

Chapter Two:

"Tsunade-chan..." Naruto called out.

"ZZZZZzzzznork..."

"Tsunade-chan..." he tried again, a little louder.

"Zzzzzzznorlf..."

"Tsunade-chan."

"Rglzzzzzzzr..."

"Tsunade-chan!"

"Huh? Wha? Whu? Whe?" Tsunade grumbled, as she slowly struggled into semi-wakefulness.

"I've got something for you... Honey..." Naruto hesitantly informed her.

"Mwah?" she drowsily responded, sitting up in her bed. "Hwhu? Nahrtho?" she slurred.

"I've got something for you, Tsunade-chan..." he tried again.

"What?" she croaked, before yawning sleepily, the situation not yet fully registering in her sleep-riddled mind.

"My undying love for you." Naruto quoted straight from Jiraiya's book. "Please, open up the gates of thy rosy heaven and allow me to dwell therein." he added.

"M'okay..." Tsunade agreed with a sigh, throwing off her covers and starting to spread her legs, before she froze with her right hand pulling her panties to the side. Her eyes burst wide open and she focused an astonished glare at Naruto. "NARUTO!" she exploded, her veins throbbing and eyebrows jumping.

"Prepare to receive my raging samurai, wench." Naruto continued quoting from Jiraiya's book. The fact that Tsunade recognized the cheesy origins of that particular phrase, did not sit at all well with her and she decided to clobber Jiraiya the next time she saw him for writing that ridiculous piece of crap book.

After she had killed Naruto for making her life hell.

"PERVERT!" she screamed, plucked him up by the collar of his orange jumpsuit and then punted him out of her bedroom, by the way of the closed window.

+CRASH+

+Poof+

Unfortunately, Tsunade was too distracted by just being awakened and her anger to hear the tell-tale sound of a Shadow Clone popping out of existence.

Naruto, who was currently in hiding under her bed, scratched his jaw as he pondered an alternate approach to the situation. He laid completely still and listened as Tsunade grumbled under her breath for a while, before she returned to the bed and bundled up underneath the covers. Minutes later, she started snoring again.

He brought out pen and paper from one of his pockets, then glanced down at a list he'd written, before crossing over 'Sallying forth', which was the chapter in 'Come, Come, Paradise' he'd drawn inspiration for this particular approach from. Instead, he turned to the next line on the list.

"'Taking of the prize'..." he quoted off the paper, nodding to himself as he directed his attention to his backpack, which held all the supplies he would need for this one. He had thought that it was a mite bit extreme, but heck, the girl in the chapter hadn't even been the guy's girlfriend at the time. Perhaps it wasn't so extreme and besides, considering what she had done to his Shadow Clone, this particular approach would be a whole lot safer for him!

+Smack+

Tsunade instantly woke up and attempted to move, only to find herself unable to do so. /What the.../ she thought, before her train of thought was derailed.

+Smack+

She would have opened her mouth to cry out a protest at the sudden pain in her rear posterior, but her mouth was already open, something solid shoved into it. She tried to force it out, but nearly choked as whatever it was, didn't move more then half an inch at the most and then returned to it's former position by itself. She hastily analyzed what her body was telling her, her eyes roaming around taking in information.

She was in her room. Check. She was in her bed. Check. She was clad only in panties and bra. Check. She was gagged. Check. She was tied up. Check. Somebody was spanking her ass. Check.

This could only mean one thing.

The world's worst pervert had finally snapped and did something there was no way in hell she could ever forgive him for. Trying to peep at the women's baths was one thing, but this... She'd kill him!

/Jiraiya, you asshole/ she mentally raged and swivelled her head around, only for her eyes to bulge as she spotted a blonde brat clad in a tell-tale orange jumpsuit kneeling next to her. /Naruto! What the.../ she thought, then recalled the previous incident. /Oh, I am so going to kill that kid! Once I've yanked every single hair off his entire body, one by one, that is/

+Smack+

/But first, I'm going to have him flogged, right in the middle of the town square/

+Smack+

/While he's coated in honey! The Aburame clan can probably lend me some nasty wasps or something.../

+Smack+

/Damn it, but that stings! When I'm out of this crap, I'll tan his hide so badly that he won't be able to sit for a full month/ she mentally raved. She couldn't form seals, not even one-handed ones, as both her hands and fingers were kept still by stiff gloves, probably the same sort the ANBU used to transport dangerous captured Nins who couldn't be allowed to form hand-seals. Where he'd managed to get hold of two of those, would have to be looked into.

He'd tied her up real good too, she couldn't get any decent leverage to break the rope she'd been tied with. She could feel the rope strain from the immense strength she possessed, but without decent leverage, she couldn't apply it to the fullest.

+Smack+

/Damn him! Why did he have to take this particular approach/ she cursed. /Did the snot-nosed little bastard read my diary/ she wondered, trying desperately and failing miserably to suppress her bodily and mental reactions to the current situation. /It's Naruto! He's a kid! He's a stubborn brat! He's a snivelling little punk! I'm nearly five times older then him! I'm not getting excited by this/

+Smack+

/I'm not/ she mentally insisted, blushing scarlet both from the treatment and the realization that she could feel moisture start to gather in a very embarrassing place. She hoped, truly hoped, that he wouldn't comment on the smell or she'd just die of shame. If anyone heard of this...

+Smack+

/Oh, Kami.../ she mentally whimpered. /Notexcitednotexcitednotexcited.../

"Heh, heh, heh..." Naruto mock-laughed from above her. "Firm and supple..." he commented as he fondled her ass in a very inexperienced manner. "You'll fetch a nice price at the market." he chuckled.

/Naruto, you rat bastard/ Tsunade mentally growled and increased her futile struggles to free herself.

"Oh, a feisty one, eh? I'm going to enjoy breaking you in..." Naruto purred, actually purred! She let out a moan around her gag as his hand trailed over her bruised asscheeks. "Oh, you like that, do you?" he asked and she shook her head furiously in denial. "You slut..." he purred and she shook her head again, even more furiously then before.

+Smack+

/Why this? Why now/ Tsunade mentally wailed, cursing her treasonous body for betraying her. Her nipples were rock-hard at this point and she didn't doubt for a second that her panties were starting to get moist from her emissions. /Naruto.../

+Smack+

"You've been a naughty girl, Tsunade-chan... Behaving badly... As your future master, it's my duty to correct such misbehaviour and punish your transgressions." Naruto quoted, only changing the name of the girl from the book for Tsunades own, adding -chan to it.

/No! Don't do this/ she mentally pleaded. The only reason why she even had a copy of Jiraiya's book herself, was because of this particular chapter. It never failed to get her in the mood when it was time to provide some self-stimulation, no matter how many times she'd read it. She could so easily imagine herself as the captured girl and Dan as the stern master. Breaking her, punishing her, training her and using her. For a moment, she saw that image before her inner sight, then moaned as Dan was suddenly replaced with Naruto.

Much to her own disgust and shame, she found that particular image even more erotic then the one of her and Dan.

+Smack+

/Naruto/

+Smack+

/Naruto./

+Smack+

/Oh, Naruto.../

+Smack+

/Oh, Kami... I'm a bad girl.../

+Smack+

/Yes, Naruto... I've been naughty.../

+Smack+

/Punish me... Tan my hide.../

+Smack+

/No! Dear Kami, no! He's a kid! This is wrong! Wrong on so many levels! I can't possibly be turned on by this! This is a bad dream! That's all it is! Just a very bad dream/

+Smack+

/Oh, god. This is so hot... No! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! He's too fucking young for me to get excited by him! ... Bad girl, bad girl... Yes, I'm a bad girl. I need to be pun... NO! I need to get my head examined. I'm Tsunade, legendary Sennin! Medic Nin! Konoha's fifth Hokage! This brat doesn't.../

+Smack+

/Excite me at all.../ she thought, but lacked any real fire in her mental protests. She was turned on! He was exciting her! Oh, Kami, how he excited her! If she was set free now, she didn't know if she'd tear him a new asshole or screw his brains out/Yes... Punish me.../

+Smack+

/Yeah, like that.../

+Smack+

/Just like that... I'm a bad girl. Such a bad, bad, girl./

"I don't understand girls." Naruto commented to himself as he munched down on some Ramen, reading Jiraiya's book again and wondering where he had went wrong. According to the book, Tsunade should have been his devoted girlfriend, kind and agreeable, by now. Or slave, as the book called it. But he guessed that meant girlfriend, considering the sort of things the 'hero' of the book and the girl did with each other. Instead, she'd started crying when he set her free.

She'd sobbed, cried rivers and hugged him, blabbering nonsensical things and apologizing for only the Kami knew what. He hadn't been able to make out much of what she'd actually said, but he'd been able to make out that she was sorry for something, before she fell asleep with her arms still wrapped around him.

She was probably sorry for being such a lousy girlfriend, he reasoned.

Their relationship was nothing at all like in the stories he'd read and listened to. She didn't go with him on dates. She wasn't affectionate all that often and always after she had been, she seemed upset about it. She abused him and shouted at him. He scratched the back of his head as he pondered his mental findings.

Then again, he wasn't the best of boyfriends either. He had been shirking his responsibilities.

He hadn't asked her out on a date, so how could she have gone with him on one? Other then last night, he hadn't been very affectionate with her. When they first kissed after his fight with Kabuto, he'd responded, but only after a while and then he hadn't been aware of just whom he had been kissing at first. As he first came to, he'd been wrapped up in a fantasy about Sakura, so he'd been quite confused when he came to and found himself staring at Tsunade! The second time, he'd punched her twice to get her to lay off him. He shouted at her too.

Naruto gasped. Not only wasn't he amongst the best of boyfriends. He was a lousy boyfriend!

That didn't sit all to well with how he thought of himself. He was Uzumaki Naruto, he was the best! Well, not counting Sasuke. He was a little behind there. Not much, mind you. But he'd always sort of looked up to Sasuke, though he'd never ever admit that to anyone. But Sasuke the Bastard was clearly lousy boyfriend material too, so here Naruto had a chance to actually prove that he was better then Sasuke at something.

"Yoooosh!" Naruto shouted, clenched his fists and pumped himself up. "I'm going to be the best!" he bellowed, slapped down money for the ramen he'd ate on the table, grabbed the book and rushed out into the streets.

Or tried to, at least.

"OOOOooooooh, Naruto-kun! The raging fires of youth burneth hotly within your boyish veins! I am impressed! Truly, the blazing enthusiasm displayed here before me warms my heart and fills me with renewed respect for the immeasurable infernos of adolescent determination!" Gai shouted from beside him, having snatched Naruto up in a crushing hug after hearing his proud declaration. Gai put Naruto down and made the nice-guy-pose(TM), flashing his pearly whites and giving Naruto a thumb-up in whole-hearted approval. "I support you whole-heartedly and to show my appreciation for walking the path of perfection, will give you a grand gift!" Gai declared with fires burning in his eyes. "Another suit, so you have something appropriate to wear when the other one is being washed!" he happily announced and whipped out a green jump-suit from one of the many pockets in his vest.

"Wow! Thanks, Gai-sensei!" Naruto exclaimed and happily accepted the gift. Jiraiya had somehow managed to loose the other one three times. Naruto had found it the first two incidents, but after the third time it had gone missing, he hadn't been able to find it again.

Though the camp-fire that evening had smelled a little weird, come to think of it.

And how Jiraiya had managed to loose it underneath a large rock the second time, was quite beyond Naruto.

"A good deed is its own reward! I require no words of thanks, but I appreciate it none the less! Now, sally forth and let the ravaging inferno of your determination blaze a trail towards the perfection you aspire too!" Gai said, shedding a few tears. "But be prepared, for Lee, my beloved student too walks the same path as you do! Expect fierce competition, a rivalry to rival that shared between my glorious self and the hip Kakashi!"

"Yosh!" Naruto exclaimed, pumping a fist in the air, before heading out into the street, as he had intended earlier.

Only to be stopped again, as he crashed into someone, going down in a cloud of dust and pile of tangled limbs.

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Hinata?"

"N-n-n-n-na-naruto-kun!"

"Perfect! Hinata, you're a girl, right?" Naruto exclaimed as he jumped back onto his feet, pulling Hinata up with him.

"Hwah! Huh? Y-y-y-es?" Hinata stuttered, dusting herself off, blushing furiously at the close encounter of the Naruto kind she'd just experienced, as well as his unexpected happiness and inquiry at seeing her. /He noticed her! He noticed her as a woman/

"Great! I need a girl. Come on!" Naruto revealed in a conspiratoric whisper, then grabbed her left hand and tugged her along, as he darted through the city, heading for one of the training grounds in the forest surrounding Konoha.

"Y-y-y-yo-you n-need? ..." Hinata stammered, blushing into a beet red, looking down at the ground in stark embarrassment. "B-but Naruto-kun, I-I'm not s-su-sure if I'm re-r-ready for..." she said, trailing off, unable to bring herself to finish the sentence.

"Don't worry. I'll talk you through everything. You just need to do as I tell you and we'll be fine!" Naruto declared happily.

"Na-nani! Naruto-kun, you pervert!" Hinata squeaked.

"Huh? Oh, don't worry, this is Kakashi-sensei's book." Naruto responded, not quite getting what Hinata was getting at, but believing it had something to do with the book he was carrying. It was very perverted after all, no doubt she believed him a pervert too for having it. He hastily put it into his equipment pouch, before anybody else saw him lugging that thing around.

"B-but I'm a v-v-vi-v-v-v-vi-vir-vi-v-vir..." Hinata stuttered, but didn't manage to complete her sentence before Naruto cut her off.

"A very pretty girl!" Naruto agreed happily. "A bit weird too, but that's okay. I can kinda like a girl like you."

"Nar-n-naruto-kun!" Hinata squeaked in acute embarrassment as she was dragged off to only Naruto knew where.

The End! ( For now... )