Breathing Room

The end of April arrived and Severus occasionally felt he'd go mad. Zelda's mood swings were increasingly extreme, compounded by her guilt at not being strong and well for his sake. He'd never been more aware that her tendency to feel irrational guilt was as strong as his. But their mutual irritability and guilt emerged more frequently, wearing on his nerves.

Aurora Sinistra never failed to approach him when she could find him alone. He used so many magical protections that another attack with Amortentia was impossible, but she knew better than to attempt it. Instead, she was gentle and persuasive, always subtly provocative in her dress and manner. One night he'd felt a hideous flash of attraction to her, followed by hours of self-loathing.

"Ah, Severus," she'd said softly, her dark eyes gleaming. "I cannot sleep at night, remembering how you kissed me. Such a passionate wizard you are, though I never knew. You're destined to be my lover."

Her lips parted invitingly and unwillingly he stayed a moment, gazing at her before he hissed and stalked away. He excused himself from patrolling for the rest of the week, something unprecedented in his years at Hogwarts. The encounter with Sinistra had unnerved him.

Once again Zelda's pregnancy had, in one week, advanced the equivalent of two weeks, Dilys had said on Saturday morning. It explained a great deal about Zelda's exhaustion and propensity for weeping. Michael had visited her several times and his presence cheered her. Michael also reassured Severus that after the birth, Zelda would gradually return to normal. Reluctantly, Severus told Michael about Sinistra's persistent stalking and his moment of mad interest.

"What do you think about it?" asked Michael seriously, studying the lines of weariness graven on the wizard's face.

"I made a promise to my wife," he said coldly. "I won't violate her trust."

"But it's difficult now, isn't it?" Michael asked softly. "I see how stressed you are, and I saw Zelda yesterday. This is infinitely more difficult than a normal pregnancy, she's homesick and your work consumes you. You both need rest. Take her away for a week and be good to each other."

"I must work," said Severus sourly.

"Sev, fatherhood is as life-changing as getting married. You and Zelda have made some big choices and you need to step away from other pressures. I'll fix it with Minerva," he offered.

Severus had been torn, but Michael said, "Zelda needs it."

So Severus and his wife would spend the beginning days of May alone, and thanks to Harry Potter, they'd stay at his small cottage.

"I'm studying for N.E.W.T. exams, there's the Quidditch match and the, uh, other thing," he'd said. "You'll be alone there, Professor Snape, and she likes it. The buds are opening and she can sit in the sunshine."

Severus realized Zelda would love it, so he managed to thank Potter and thus it was decided.

&&&&&&&&&

"Alone at last," Severus said, offering his arm to his pregnant wife on Wednesday morning.

"Just you, me, Rowena, the fetus and assorted owls coming and going," she said with a flash of humor. "It's wonderful of Harry to let us use his house."

Severus opened the door and allowed Zelda to enter first. She began to laugh as she entered the sitting room.

"What is it?" asked Severus, not noticing anything unusual.

"Look at the lovely bow window, and the squashy old guy couch. He put in the window for me, but the only new additions are the essential couch to lounge on, a TV, for heaven's sake, and a table so he can eat in front of the TV."

"I despise television, but otherwise it seems adequate," said Severus. "Sit down, my girl."

"I'm glad we're here," she said. "Let's make the most of this, since life seems to conspire against us."

He went outside to put wards around the property, ensuring that Rowena would be safe and then went upstairs to see whether there was furniture in the bedrooms. Potter had established himself in the smallest bedroom. The other two bedrooms were of equal size, and the one farthest from Potter's room was actually furnished. There was a decent size bed, two chairs, a wardrobe and a lamp on the small bedside table. The view from the window was the one Zelda had first admired, that looked toward the highlands. Reluctantly he smiled. Potter was obviously trying to please Zelda, and this would be a success.

He returned to the sitting room just as a handsome snowy owl tapped on the window.

"Ooo, I've never gotten owl post before," Zelda said, here eyes wide. "What a gorgeous bird."

He opened the window and the creature landed on his arm, offering the letter to him. Her eyes gleamed with the intelligence of a wild creature and she impressed him.

"Please wait," he said to the creature, and in response she hopped to the back of the couch as though she realized Zelda wanted to see her.

"You're Hedwig, aren't you?" she asked, offering to caress the bird. "We're not settled yet, but next time I'll have something for you to eat."

The bird hooted softly and allowed Zelda to scratch the side of her head.

Severus handed the letter to Zelda.

Dear Zelda and Professor Snape,

I left some food in the kitchen. Sorry there aren't many dishes and things yet. Make whatever changes you want so you'll be comfortable and let me know if you need anything. Hedwig will come every day to see if you need anything. Please check the post box by the gate.

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

P.S. Zelda, any suggestions? I suck at furniture and stuff. If you feel like it, do whatever you want. I need help.

Zelda smiled and said, "How thoughtful. Are there writing supplies here."

Severus had already conjured what was needed and pulled a small book out of his pocket for her to write on, so she began writing, aware of the powerful bird sitting quietly near her shoulder.

Dear Harry,

I love Hedwig! Thanks for sending her, you're wonderful. Everything's perfectly comfortable here. Would you object to a bookshelf in the sitting room? Perhaps an attractive tablecloth and plant to cover the TV while you're not here? We'll take care of things for you.

XOXO,

Zelda

Severus read her note, smiling at the hopeful tone of it. As he attached it to the owl's leg, he thought she seemed happier and more relaxed than she'd been in weeks. He watched Potter's owl take flight, heading for Hogwarts, then turned to his wife.

"I'm glad to be here with you."

He sat down and gently kissed her.

"Sev, does it seem like my pregnancy and the non-stop pace of Hogwarts are disconnecting us?"

"Our love cannot change," he said grimly. "But I feel it too and it disturbs me. Can you lie down here?"

Carefully they found a way to be comfortable on the couch and they held each other, gazing into each other's eyes. She kissed his nose, bringing a gleam of delight to his eyes.

They lay there briefly, both smiling as they felt their connection draw them close again. But Zelda's abdominal muscles spasmed and she needed to change position.

"I'm a little nervous, but let's see what Harry thinks is necessary in the way of food and kitchen utensils," she said, accepting his help to stand up with a grateful smile.

There was actually a huge amount of food there, fresh milk and eggs, meat, vegetables, orange juice and pumpkin juice. In the cupboard there was bread, pasta and canned goods of all kinds.

"We won't have to go anywhere," Zelda murmured happily. "I'd like to change clothes, in that case."

Their luggage was upstairs already. Severus magically placed everything in the wardrobe and watched Zelda change clothes. Her belly was huge and firm, and her breasts very full and sensitive. She took everything off but her pretty bra and then slipped a soft chemise on, putting a shawl over her shoulders.

"Are my slippers here?" she asked, delighted to be out of her public clothing.

"Yes," he said, putting them on the floor so she could step into them. "You can't see your feet, can you?"

She rolled her eyes in resignation and said, "No. I try not to obsess about it, however."

"You look lovely. Lie down on the bed while I finish unpacking."

As she watched him, her nerves soothed by the quiet, she felt calmer and able to appreciate his presence. She saw him eye her quizzically.

"I should have escaped with you long ago," he said with an ironic smile. "I can breathe freely now."

"Except for the creature taking up so much room, I'm breathing freely too," she said. "I don't seem to do much since I left my school, but my life feels crowded. It's peaceful here, isn't it?"

Severus removed his frock coat and hung it in the wardrobe. The rest followed and he put on a pair of well-worn jeans that were once Elijah's and lay down by her on the bed, still bare-chested. He caressed her cheek and she grinned.

"Except that I'm almost bigger than Hogwarts, this feels like a honeymoon," she said. "I don't have enough time to just love you."

His mouth curled into a contented smile. "I believe you're nearly purring, sweetheart."

He pulled her close and held her, realizing Michael was right, as usual. They needed time alone to draw strength from each other. He'd remember and make it happen again, he vowed.

&&&&&&&&&

Severus and Zelda lazed the day away, and then the next, growing relaxed and in tune with the glorious spring that was unfolding around them. Rowena spent most of her time outdoors. She'd quickly explored the land around the cottage, and then took long naps in the sun, trotting down occasionally to drink from the stream.

Severus had discovered that Potter left two comfortable chairs outdoors under a shady tree, along with a small table. So they ate meals there, enjoying the soft breeze and the sound of birds in the trees.

Michael had forbidden them from having guests, something Severus heartily appreciated, but Potter sent his owl to them every day. It amused Zelda to send and receive post that way. She also sent the new address to her old colleagues and her class back in America. She loved writing letters, he saw in amusement. Owl post was the way they learned of the church jumble sale taking place on Saturday in the nearest town. When she read Harry's news, she handed the letter to Severus, her eyes sparkling.

"Will you play Muggle for a couple of hours?" she asked ruefully.

His eyes narrowed in mock disapproval, but really, he was so pleased at her excitement that he'd have played in a bloody Quidditch match to make her happy. So he changed into the black Muggle clothes that Michael called 'mock Gothic' and Apparated them to town.

Zelda was wearing her medieval gown, laced extremely loose to accommodate her pregnancy.

"We look like old hippies, or something," she said as they walked through the town.

"Perfect for digging through rubbish," he said acidly, feeling a bit nervous as they approached the crowded event.

Zelda took his arm and they plunged into the fray. She was shockingly friendly with the local people, he thought grimly. Fortunately, his own lack of enthusiasm was written down to typical male indifference.

"Look Sev, this is perfect," she said of an old rocking chair with one broken rocker.

He groaned when she began to pile things on it. She found a low bookshelf, a footstool and a big box of dishes and kitchen utensils. Then she found the table with books on it and forgot everything else for a time.

Half an hour later he'd paid practically nothing for the lot, promising to return to pick it up. As soon as everyone's back was turned he Vanished the pile, led Zelda around the corner and they Apparated to the cottage.

The fruit of her labors sat in a large, pathetic heap outside the cottage door.

"It looked more promising back there," she said, laughing at the shabby pile of household goods. "But I got three Jane Austens, including P and P, my favorite book of all time."

She carried her books triumphantly into the cottage and set them down, then turned around as Severus Levitated everything else inside.

Magically he mended the rocking chair, cleaned it and said, "Where would you like it?"

"There," she said, pointing toward the bow window.

He turned his attention to the bookshelf, which he placed against the wall. A dusty potted plant went on top of it.

"Why in Merlin's name did you buy a plant for Potter's house?" he asked, staring in disfavor at the stark specimen.

"It's a snake plant, Sev," she explained earnestly. "He's a Parselmouth, so maybe he can have a relationship with it or something."

He stared at her, and then suddenly began to laugh. He caught her carefully into his arms and hugged her.

"I adore you, my ridiculous wife," he said, rubbing his nose against hers and beginning to kiss her persuasively.

"Bed?" she asked hopefully. "Can you stand sex with a behemoth?"

"I should spank you for speaking badly of yourself," he snapped. "I'd deny you sex, but that would punish me."

"Shall I take a lesson in feeling secure and happy from you?" she asked ironically.

"We're both pathetic," he admitted with a mocking smirk.

"Maybe neither of us is so very dreadful. But for me, half the fun is feeling I've found the only person on the planet who knows what I am and loves me anyway."

He allowed her to go first on the stairs, pondering her words as they went.

"I'll never believe I'm anything but repulsive. It would diminish the triumph of finding one mad, adorable woman who loves me," he said, untying the laces of her dress and removing it.

Looking into his eyes with a wry smile, she said softly, "I feel beautiful when I'm with you. I even feel sexy now."

He studies her thoughtfully and whispered, "How shall we do it?"

Still dressed in her soft chemise, she removed his shirt and rubbed her face adoringly against his bare chest, murmuring, "Lie down on the bed."

He did as she asked, feeling an exquisitely exposed as she looked down at him, stroking and caressing him all over. Then slowly she climbed onto him, straddling him, and he put his hands inside her chemise, gently holding her bare belly. There was a tenderness blended with passion as they made love, knowing that their life together was changing yet again.

Holding her close, rubbing her back and savoring the warmth of her, he knew soon there'd be no sex for quite some time, and he felt a pang of loss.

"Sev, I'm sorry," she quavered, trying to still her trembling mouth. "It's hard for me, but I feel worse for you.

She'd seen his thought, he realized guiltily, and she was utterly bereft, believing sex was more important to him than the entirety of their life together. Perhaps for one selfish moment he'd thought that too.

"Zelda," he whispered urgently, "Look at me."

Their eyes met and he offered all of it, his shamed admission of selfishness and his real understanding that it was, after all, a small part of what they were together. Her response was tentative at first as she offered her own feelings, but slowly they both smiled.

"While you heal, may I still touch you?" he asked.

She nodded and said, "I hope you'll still want to, my boy."

"I'll be constantly needy," he offered wryly.

She threaded her fingers through his lank hair and combed it back, deliberately kissing his forehead, nose and chin before touching her lips to his and looking intently at him.

"I wish I could be perfect for you," she said. "I'm a mess, you know."

"Perfection is not only boring, but considering my own flaws, inappropriate."

Severus held her comfortingly close; he remembered long years when no one offered him a kind word, much less touched him. As long as he had this, as long as they could still share this love, they'd manage.

&&&&&&&&&

They returned to Hogwarts a full week after they'd left, refreshed by their time together. Dilys Smethwyck came to see them that Wednesday evening to evaluate Zelda's condition.

"I believe it slowed a bit, but you're still nearing what would be thirty five weeks of development. Your cervix isn't dilated, but it could happen any time within the next couple of weeks," she said. "I don't dare to be more precise than that."

Zelda and Severus looked at each other apprehensively.

"Are you sure you've mastered that Patronus thingy, Dilys?" asked Zelda.

"Absolutely," she replied comfortably. "You two look better than I've seen you in quite some time. I recommend you find time to go away together periodically. You're both rather high-strung, so you require some relaxation."

"High-strung?" asked Zelda cynically. "Never mind. When will we see you again?"

"Saturday, I think. Let me know if there's any change. If not, I'll see you then."

Severus escorted her to the door and locked up behind her. They'd decided to go to breakfast together in the morning, but they wanted one more quiet night. He checked that Rowena had food and water and said goodnight to her, then headed for Zelda's presence again.

"I'm ready, I think," she said.

"I'm not, but it'll happen nonetheless," he replied, glancing toward the infant furnishings across the room.

She'd changed into one of her pretty nightgowns and brushed her hair until it shone.

"You're lovely," he said. "I'm lucky to have you."

She blew him a kiss and said, "Come snuggle with me for one more uninterrupted night. Tomorrow we'll deal with reality, but now I want to adore you without any distractions.

He thought that he'd never loved her more than this moment. Removing his clothes, he joined her in bed, savoring the last hours of intimacy before the rest of the world invaded them.