Understanding
Severus looked expectantly at Michael, frankly hoping for an easy answer.
"I'm glad you contacted me right away," said Michael slowly. "I'm not a magician, but let's talk about some things. The mind isn't completely random, so there must be a reason why you're disturbed. Are you and Zel stressed by the baby's demands?""
"Not at all. Alaric sleeps longer at night all the time, so we're catching up on our sleep. In every way I'm happier than I ever imagined being, Michael."
"It's hilarious to hear such a nauseating statement come from you," Michael told him, his eyes twinkling. "As I watch you play paterfamilias, I can see you're happy, which means the problem lies in your baggage. But there's a lot of baggage. Professor Sinistra isn't disturbing you, is she?"
Severus curled his lip contemptuously. "The woman has the morals of a cat in heat, and she never cared about me in the slightest. She still stares at me with those bloody eyes and she offered to celebrate the birth of my son with me in her boudoir."
"Charming," said Michael cynically. "In my misspent youth I might have told you take it if it's offered, but fortunately, I'm not such an idiot any more."
Severus narrowed his eyes in disgust, but said nothing.
"Anyway, your wife's Zelda, so I'd shoot you if you hurt her. That was my rotten old baggage, however. Let's get back to you. What else has been going on lately?"
Severus sighed and muttered, "I agreed to teach Potions again next year."
"You're not jumping for joy, are you?"
"I never wanted to teach it. It was… I did it as a reason to be at Hogwarts, to be near Dumbledore…"
His voice died away. Speaking of Dumbledore was suddenly difficult, he realized. He closed his eyes as a wave of grief overcame him and he began to understand himself.
Michael studied the drawn face in silence. Over time, he'd watched Severus learn to cope with pain from his past and knew the wizard need not have everything spelled out for him. He waited.
Finally Severus spoke, forcing the words out.
"At this time one year ago my world was on the brink. Dumbledore was dying… I could do nothing more to delay it. He was wholly focused on helping Potter to find the Dark Lord's horcruxes. I argued frequently with him, Michael. I was furious because I believed he must try to live, to keep the Order together."
He looked down at his hands, unable to continue.
"So you argued with him and then ended in a situation where you were forced to kill him," said Michael. "Did it end so badly, without resolution?"
Severus lost himself in memories, feeling again the bitterness and the rage, but now able to recognize the heartbreak and the love he'd felt for Albus Dumbledore. The old man had known, it hadn't mattered that he could never fully express his gratitude for being taken in and trusted. But he wished he'd been able to say it.
"When I saw him in the Astronomy Tower… I knew and he knew. He knew far more than I did and…" here Severus buried his face in his hands and his voice became muffled. "He knew I didn't want to do it, because I… Albus Dumbledore was the only one…"
After another anguished pause, Severus raised his head and said harshly, "He trusted me, he saved my life and he was my only friend. I loved him and the only way I could repay him was to end his life and follow his plan."
"Were you simply a pawn in the chess game he played with Voldemort?" asked Michael seriously.
"It felt like it!" snapped Severus, his eyes flashing with fury. "I told him I didn't want to… I wouldn't do it! He treated me like a child. He reasoned with me, he humored me and then went about his business with Potter."
"He must've trusted you a lot, if he asked you to carry out that plan," said Michael.
Appalled at his childish fit of anger, he held his tongue. When he felt more in control he managed to mutter, "I wasn't a pawn."
Michael squeezed the wizard's shoulder and said, "We carry so much with us, Sev. The seasons, the time of day, all of it's in our memory. Your issues with Dumbledore haven't gone away and I'm not surprised you're reliving the pain now, a year later."
"I doubt that simply identifying the source will cause it to go away," mused Severus. "Perhaps I could create a potion?"
"The Draught of Living Death," intoned Michael dramatically. "Really man, just because you're a wizard doesn't mean you're not human. There aren't shortcuts to emotional health. You gotta do the work."
"I have work to do and a child to care for."
"I have another appointment in ten minutes, with just time to take care of a basic need. Do you want to come back tomorrow morning?"
"No. But I will," replied the wizard, grimacing. "Thank you for seeing me immediately."
"I'll help you any way I can. Now, how's my godson?"
"Thriving," replied Severus, feeling better at the thought of the boy. "Have you time to come down for lunch?"
"I'll come down later. Harry tells me Zelda's providing an all day tea and sympathy service for the seventh years these days."
A curled lip was the immediate response and Michael laughed.
"How can you stand it?" he asked.
"It's appalling from my perspective, but in her way she's helping to undo the damage to these students that resulted from the war. This odd group seeks her out and needs attention. It's good for Hogwarts."
"And you don't have to hold their hands if she's doing it," said Michael shrewdly. "Well, I'll stop down to visit because I hear the snacks are outstanding."
So Severus left him, still disturbed, but now knowing why. It had happened so fast, he thought. Broken by grief, he'd been weak enough to let Bellatrix capture and torture him, leaving him for dead. He'd awakened to Zelda, who'd forced him to live and offered a new reason to do it, but there'd been little time to remember or regret the way it ended. Even the time of year, the long days and the glorious June weather brought back the nightmare he'd lived a year ago. Being at Hogwarts exacerbated it, but he wouldn't let this keep him from his work.
&&&&&&&&&
"A toast," said Zelda, holding up a bottle of butterbeer and smiling at the students. "To all of you and your glorious futures!"
It was Friday. The students all drank, happy but dazed as they tried to grasp that they'd finished their Hogwarts education. It was odd, exciting but terrifying. Soon they'd go back to their common rooms and prepare to leave school for the last time. But they'd learned to know and trust each other in spite of their history, and this bond they shared mattered as much as old house loyalties.
"Glorious futures?" Draco echoed mockingly. "At least not disgraceful futures, I hope."
"Cynic," she replied, smiling at him. "I hope you'll come to visit us here sometimes."
"We will, said Goyle firmly. "Can we write to you?"
"I'd be sad if you didn't," she replied.
She sat down next to Goyle and Crabbe, wondering if she should say any more, but they looked to her with as much trust as her sixth grade students, so she took the plunge.
"Will it be okay when you go back to your families?" she asked softly.
Goyle shrugged dismally and said, "It's been good not to think about my family. My mother's trying to get my dad released from Azkaban. I don't think it'll happen, but I don't want it to. He did horrible things for 'You-Know-Who,' and he wanted me to join them."
"Same for me," said Crabbe. "I don't want to hurt or kill anyone, I want a normal life with a job and friends, like everyone else. My mother says she'll look around for a suitable wife for me, at seventeen! She doesn't understand how sick that is, she thinks we'll carry on like the war never ended."
"You two are of age and you can make good decisions for yourselves. If Professor Snape and I can help you, we will."
She put a hand on each of theirs and squeezed encouragingly.
"It'll be harder to get a good job without so many NEWTS, but you two can find some kind of work and when you decide what you really want to do for a career, I'll help you study what you need to do it."
Hermione appeared with a fussing baby and said, "I think he needs to eat, Zelda."
Zelda took Alaric and said, "Hungry already? Okay, thanks Hermione. I have to move to the rocking chair. It's more comfortable for my back."
She smiled encouragingly at her two large students and got to her feet.
"Have some more to eat, everyone. I know you need to leave soon, but Dobby brought all this great stuff and I'll end up eating it by myself if you don 't."
The door opened and Severus entered with Michael by his side. Zelda smiled fondly at them over the fussing baby's cries, but headed for the rocking chair so she could feed him in relative peace.
"Hey!" called Michael cheerfully. "I'm glad I didn't miss the party."
The majority of the students surrounded him, but Neville, who didn't know him well, glanced once at Professor Snape and then moved hesitantly toward Zelda.
"They're a noisy lot, aren't they?" she said, gesturing toward the chair nearest to her. "So are you nervous about the fall?"
Neville was staying on at Hogwarts over the summer to do advanced work in Herbology with Professor Sprout before going on to do fieldwork in the fall in South America.
"Terrified," he replied frankly. "I can't imagine what Brazil's like, but Professor Sprout and I are going to spend a week with her old teacher in Brasilia."
"Your grandmother must be proud."
"She still wishes I'd be an Auror, or at least the Minister of Magic," said Neville ironically. "I'm glad she'll be here for my parents while I'm gone."
"Ah, Neville, if your mum could know, she'd be incredibly proud of you," said Zelda gently.
"I sometimes wonder if she'd be disappointed because I'm not a hero like my dad," he confessed.
Zelda felt like crying. Why didn't anyone pay attention to these good kids who were trudging through life damaged?
"I'm a mother and I know mothers," she said acerbically. "She'd never be disappointed in you! You're a fine young man, you're brave and you work hard. You'll make a valuable contribution to your world and she'd be damned proud of you."
His eyes glowed in response to the conviction in her voice.
"Thanks," he said, flushing slightly.
"Neville, we're going back," called Ron. "You coming?"
"Yeah," he said, standing up.
"I hope I'll see you while you're here this summer," said Zelda.
He smiled and said, "I'll see you, Zelda."
As if Severus had Vanished them, they were all gone, leaving only Michael and her husband in the drawing room with her.
"Good afternoon, you two," she called across the room. "Can you believe it's almost over? They'll pack their things and all go home now."
"A happy day for us all," pronounced Severus nastily.
Zelda examined him, seeing stress in his rigid posture and furrowed brow.
"Michael, what's your plan for the next hour?" she asked.
"I came for the food and to see my little genius," he said with a winning smile.
"Excellent," she said. "There's the food, so eat fast. Alaric's almost finished with his supper, so you can change his diaper and play with him. I see my poor husband needs cheering up, so we'll step into the bedroom for a few minutes."
"I'm meeting Kingsley at seven," he warned cynically.
"No prob. We plan to be home, planning the weekend's little domestic chores by then." She pouted pitifully and murmured, "Don't you want to play with Alaric?"
Michael glanced at Severus and saw a faint gleam of amusement sparking in his black eyes.
"I'd enjoy bonding with my favorite godson," he proclaimed with smirk.
"Excellent," said Severus, pulling out his wand and Summoning everything needed to change Alaric's diaper and clothes. "Here you are."
"It's been a long week, hasn't it?" said Michael quietly. "I suppose the school year's not really over until they're all packed and on the train."
"Once they're gone, Sinistra will be sent packing too," said Severus. "Good riddance."
"Has she been bothering you again?" asked Zelda. "I'll shoot her for you, it's no trouble."
She lifted the baby into an upright position and looked hopefully at Michael.
"Give me that child. I can't believe a mother would offer to shoot someone while she's feeding her infant. What kind of example is that?"
"A good one. Any time some skanky witch bothers Severus I'll gladly take care of things. Any wife would do it," she said as Severus helped her to her feet and hugged her.
"Thank you, my thoughtful girl," he murmured, pinching her bum.
She smiled at Michael and said, "Need anything else?"
"Go away. I promised Alaric I'd tell him the story of his heroic godfather's life, the censored version." He patted the baby's back in an expert way and said, "Run along before I change my mind."
Zelda took her husband's hand and led him to the bedroom, closing the door firmly. Without a word she began undoing buttons, but Severus immediately Vanished all of their clothes.
"I was going to rub your back," she said, her eyes sparkling with laughter.
"Michael can't stay long enough for us to enjoy all the formalities, but I hope you'll rub more than my back," he said.
He pulled her down to the bed and wrapped his arms and legs around her, breathing a sigh of relief. He drew back his head and rubbed his hooked nose against hers, then kissed her, softly at first.
"Love you, Sev," she whispered, running her fingers though his lank hair.
Gently he reached for her breasts, loving the weighty feel of them. He kissed first one, then the other and the demons were temporarily driven from his mind. Her hands caressed him, moving over his chest, rubbing his shoulders and finally circling his waist and drawing him down on top of her.
"You keep me sane," he said softly, kissing her deeply and glancing into her eyes.
She laughed for joy, seeing her own delight mirrored in his dark eyes.
"Oh, you're so sexy…" she murmured as her hands caressed his hard, wiry body, so familiar and adored. "Gorgeous wizard, I'm very lucky."
She spread her legs invitingly and Severus plunged into her, bringing a sigh of delight from her. She was so warm, so sexy, he thought as their bodies moved together. When she wrapped her legs around his waist he thrust harder and deeper. She moaned, already on the verge, and held him tightly as she gave herself over to him. He watched her, slowing his thrusts for a moment, savoring the feeling, and then he pushed hard, three times. He felt her lose all control as she climaxed and she was completely his. Then it was his turn and afterward they lay panting and spent in each other's arms.
"Mmmm…" she moaned in contentment.
He pushed the hair back from her face and lightly kissed her nose.
"Sex with you is so splendid that I'm still delighted we can do it any time we want to," he mused.
"It's like a glorious holiday, like Christmas in our bed any time," she agreed, cuddling close. "It's so wonderful I feel self-indulgent and almost guilty."
He held her, musing, while she occasionally kissed his neck or his cheek and rubbed his lower back.
"I feel better knowing school is over," he told her. "I hope to regain whatever temper I can achieve, to spare you and Alaric this summer."
"It's okay, Sev. It may be years before you stop feeling horrid at this time of year. We remember traumatic events on a visceral level, even things we didn't notice at the time," she said. "Don't worry, we'll get through it."
His arms tightened around her, causing her to hug him in return.
"Michael can't stay much longer," said Zelda. "It's nice that even though we're responsible old parents, we could hand the baby to Michael and rush off to bed for an emergency boink."
His eyes gleamed with laughter, but he merely replied, "Nice, indeed. The pets are waiting at home for us, you know."
Regretfully they parted and stood up. Severus picked up his wand and Summoned back their clothes.
"When next we see Hogwarts, it'll be pleasingly student-free," he told her. "Now, let's go home."
They found the sitting room empty, so they went next to the drawing room and found Michael and Alaric lying on the hearthrug.
"At last!" chuckled Michael. "I've had a hard time with this wild child."
Since Alaric was lying on his back and gazing up at his godfather, listening intently to him, Zelda and Severus just smiled.
"Thanks," said Zelda. "We're almost ready to show off the new place. You and Kingsley have to come see how wonderful it is."
"Send us an owl and we'll come to dinner. I hope Severus will cook."
"I usually do," he replied. "My wife confines her feminine activities to other areas."
Zelda laughed as she went to take the baby.
"Go romp with Kingsley," she said. "We're leaving now."
He stood up and kissed her cheek, saying, "Have a good weekend, you three."
Without further conversation, Michael strode briskly to the door and left them. Severus took the baby carrier from the hook on the wall and handed it to her.
"We'll be back next week, at some point, but I consider this the start of our holiday."
He looked better already, she thought, hoping to make this summer a happy one for him.
"The kitchen garden needs weeding and the house still needs a lot of work," she said lightly. "Fortunately, there'll be time to boink too."
Severus magically extinguished the lamps and closed the door behind them.