Bette was still in shock over what she had read only the day before. It had happened. Tina wanted something more than she could ever give her. Was her girlfriend actually going back to the land of men? Or was this just a reaction to the affair that she had not so long ago committed and would never stop punishing herself for.
Her mind was spinning out of control. The past few weeks, since Angelica had arrived, since Tina had moved back in, sine she had lost her job, had been confusing and exhilarating and terrifying all wrapped up into one. Never had so much changed so quickly in her life that it was difficult to deal with.
What was she to do? She could still go on that silent meditation. But that would be abandoning her little girl. That was something she was not sure she wanted to do right now, especially with Tina acting all strange. Already there had been signs where she would use their child against her. If only in little ways like it was time to breast feed. It was something she couldn't do for her little girl.
To top everything off, Tina was still the wage earner for the family. She had made it clear that money was becoming an issue, no louder so than after the credit card was declined at Jenny's welcome home dinner. Things had not been like this when her soon to be ex girlfriend had been the stay at home wife and she had been the wage earner.
It was true, what Tina had said about the added financial burden that a child brought to a family. She knew that she had not meant it in a derogatory manner just simply stating the facts of life. It was hard for her to relinquish what she had fought so hard for. She had been the one that was to bring dinner home and to make sure that all their needs were taken care of. Now, she looked to someone else. Someone that she loved with all her heart, but it did not make it any easier.
Sighing heavily, the young woman began to pack her things for the retreat. Tina would be home soon from her latest meeting with that guy that she had the hots for. The very thought of it sickened her to no end. Why was Tina having these feelings? Was it because she was no longer in love? Or was it more of a physical thing?
Bette wanted to scream. But her latest teachings had told her otherwise. Meditation was the answer. But how could she meditate if she could not concentrate on the simplest of tasks such as packing. Her life was changing at a dizzying pace. All she wanted was for clarity in life. She wanted to know that Tina would be there for her no matter what and that Angelica would forever be a part of her life.
None of these things were for certain anymore. None of these things could even be guaranteed until she came back home. Nothing was for certain anymore and that was enough to drive her insane. She had always been the one in control, the one knowing what to do. Now, she had no clue as to what to do with her life.
All she knew was that whatever job she ended up with, she wanted it to do with art. She wanted for Tina to be the one and only in her life. She wanted Angelica to forever be her little girl even when she was only enough to make her own choices in life. All she wanted was to know that her life would work out the way that she had planned. But life has no guarantees. So, she would have to start figuring things out and living life to the fullest. But that was easier said than done when her only love, her life, was having doubts about their future together.