NOTE: IIIICHIIIIIGOOOOOOOOO!!!! T.T T.T
-Falls-
Ahah... -Sobs-
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ICHIGO!!! T.T
The 5th Element
Mello: -Writes and reads aloud- Dear Diary... WHY WON'T YOU EVER ANSWER ME!!?? WHY?! -Bangs head on desk- Why doesn't Kai LOVE me?! -Growls-
Near: Um... I don't really know the answer to that question...
Mello: -Jumps and faces Near, hiding diary- GAH!
Near: But I'm sure that is has nothing to do with the fact that you, first of all, lead the mafia, second, killed many people in order to get the Death Note, three, conspire against the world and kill anyone who gets in your way, and four, wear curlers to bed.
Mello: What does that have to do with Go- Hey! -Grabs newspaper- No! Bad Near! -Hits Near- Bad Semei! Bad!
Near: -Grabs the newspaper- Want to see how much of a Semei I can be? -Pushes against Mello-
Mello: O.O;; N-Near... S-stop! People are reading!!!
Near: So? -Gets closer to him-
Mello: So... S-stop it before... I write a mean page about you in my diary!
Near: -Steps back and curls hair-
Mello: Yeah! That's right! Fear the all-mighty diary! He rules all! -Points victoriously at Diary-
Near: ... -Eyes shift and jumps on Mello-
Mello: N-no! S-stop!
Near: No stopping? Sure...
Mello: -Turns and writes in Diary calmly- Dear, Diary... HELP ME!!! HELP ME ONCE IN YOUR SORRY MAN-MADE LIFE!!!
Near: -Pulls Mello's shirt off from the back-
Itachi: What in Kat's name is going on in here?
Mello/Near: -Turns to look-
Sasuke: Near? Mello?
Near: ...
Mello: Oh, thank Gawd... The panda-whores have arrived... HELP ME, SLUTS!!!
Sasuke: Sluts? ...
Itachi: -Veiny pop-
L: Near? Mello?
Near: -Quickly lets go-
Mello: L!!! -Runs for L-
L: Whoa! -Mello grabs his shirt-
Mello: Help me... For Mi-chan's sake, HELP ME!!!
L: -Looks at Near- What did you do to him this time?
Kurama: This time?
Near: Nothing, Daddy. I was just helping him look at some bruises.
Mello: -Whispers into L's ear- Bruises that he made on me... he was trying to rape me!
L: -Chuckles- Haha, that's how I forcibly married your mom, Mi-chan!
Mello: -Sweatdrops- Uh? ... L, we're being serious here!!!
L: -Sneaky smile- I know...
Kurama: Not a very good example for the kids, is he? ...
Mello: -Runs to Itachi- You'll help me, right?!
Itachi: -Looks up- You might want to talk to my good friend, Iko Wakka Kiki Maka Kunta Kintei.
Mello: Oh, no...
Sasuke: Oy...
Kurama: Mello won't fall for that trick again...
Mello: I hate that bastard!
All: -Anime fall-
Mello: -Looks behind him- Hey, you guys! There's no time to smell the floor! That bastard, Iko Wakka Kiki Maka Kunta Kintei's coming back!!!
Kurama: I guess you CAN fool Mello easily...
L: Eh...
Near: So... In terms to make him less stupid... Can I fuck his brains out?
L: Now, Near! -Stands and points a finger to Near-
Kurama: Finally! You're doing the right thing, L!
L: Go ahead -Kurama anime falls- But remember, he's still a virgin so the hole's going to be really, really small... -L emphasizes with his hands-
Kurama: L!
L: Eh? -Turns to Kurama-
Kurama: -Grabs- You know, you're the reason why this world is so populated.
L: Really? I'm quite flattered... Am I overpopulating it with Mi-chan? I sure do hope I am...
Sasuke: -Watches- ... Itachi-kun, what are they doing?
Itachi: -Brings out chalkboard drawings of them and puts Sasuke in a desk- Now, here, Near is Doggy styling him so that he could easily do him.
Sasuke: Oh!
Itachi: And now, Near has him in the Classic position.
(Itachi continues to teach; Sasuke listens inattentively)
L/Kurama: -Stare-
L: Kids...
Kurama: You're a kid...
L: So? You're a kid...
Kurama: That's what I said...
L: I know...
Kurama: -Stare-
L: -Eyes shift- ... LOOK!!! It's Iko Wakka Kiki Maka Kunta Kintei!!!
Kurama: Ha!! Don't try that trick on me, I'm not Mello.
Mello: -Grunting- Hey!
L: You're right... It's just 'From First to Last'...
Kurama: 'FROM FIRST TO LAST?!' I LOVE THAT BAND!!!
L: -Runs-
Kurama: Huh? ... L!!! -Runs after him-
(Later...)
Mello: -Surfs web- ... Hey, look!
All: What?
Mello: L's non-fiction has hits!
Near: Hm?
Itachi: Is that what you did?
Near: ... I deny everything...
Mello: Hey, people like it!
Near: ... I deny nothing...
Sasuke: What did it say, anyway?
Mello: Nah, I don't think you want to read it.
Sasuke: ... Yes I do.
Mello: Uh, no. You don't.
Sasuke: How do you know?
Mello: Didn't you hear me? I told you that youdidn't, therefore, you don't, you won't, and you will shut up.
Near: Therefore, you are KIRA!!!
Mello: Stop that!
Near: You started it.
Matt: Hello, dears!
Mello: Matt?! What the hell are you doing here?!
Matt: -Looks around- ... I... Don't... Know...
Mello: Then get out of here!
Matt: -Pouts and folds arms- No!
Near: Matt-kun, let's play soccer.
Matt: Soccer!? I LOVE soccer!
Mello: -Slaps forehead- Why? .
(Everyone goes outside; Near stands next to Mello; Itachi is alone)
Itachi: -Finger on chin- Hm.
Mello: -Hand on forehead- Grr.
Itachi: . -Begins to point but changes mind, putting finger back on chin-
Near: -Stare-
Itachi: . -Scouts the available players- (Sasuke and Matt are left)
Mello: . Just choose a fucking player already!!!
Itachi: All right! Damn! I choose Sasuke.
Sasuke: YES! -Walks over-
Mello: FINALLY! Matt! You're with u-
Itachi: Not so fast, now, happy bunny?
Mello: Happy bunny? What the fu-
Itachi: It's still our turn.
Mello: My ass! You already have two players!
Itachi: So do you.
Mello: -Looks at Near and himself; Near lowers his head, slightly- .. Grr! SO?!
Kurama: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!
Mello: SEE?! There! Kurama's back! We're even, now!
L: CAN WE PLAY!?
Itachi: I don't know where you learned your math, but I don't see anything even.
(L and Kurama stand next to Matt)
Mello: -Counting- 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Damn it, Matt! If you didn't come here, we would have equal players!
Matt: -Slumps-
Itachi: . I choose. L...
Mello: HEY! NO WAY! WE HAVE L!
Itachi: Fine, then. We have Kurama.
Mello: YES! L, you're with us!
Matt: But, Mello-sama! What about me?!
Mello: What about you?!
Matt: . -Pokes fingers together- I thought we had something special.
Mello: Tell that to Misa.
Matt: Oh. T.T
Mello: And, since it's still our turn-
Itachi: Wrong.
Mello: WHAT?! HOW IS IT THAT YOU GET TO CHOOSE TWICE AND WE DON'T!?
Itachi: In the rules of soccer, there are many rules, most of them entirely useless and stupid, but, since we are not playing official soccer, there can be different rules in our game to play with, but, since this is a game that we are officially playing without anyone here to say anything different to try to delude us into thinking this is a life or death situation, there is no reason not to play officially, but, since we are officially about to play, we should go by our own rules that the official rules think are fit, savvy?
Mello: ... I have no IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!!!
Itachi: Therefore-
Mello: DON'T FUCKING SAY IT!!!
Itachi: -Looks at him- ... We go now.
Mello: -Sigh-
Itachi: Oh, and you're Kira.
Mello: AAAAHHHH!!! I'LL KILL-
Itachi: Our turn. We have.
(Matt looks up, hopeful)
Itachi: . -Pointing around; going past Matt- . Iko Wakka Kiki Maka Kunta Kintei. You're with us.
Matt: WHO!?
Itachi: -Glare-
Matt: BUT NO ONE'S COMING!
Itachi: That's because he's already here.
Matt: -Looks around- . WHERE?!
Itachi: -Dresses Sasuke up in Tiki statue outfit- Here.
Matt: . HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THAT?! Be serious! Not even Mello would fall for something like tha-
Mello: HOLY SHIT!!! Iko Wakka Kiki Maka Kunta Kintei!
Matt: . But, Mello-sama, Itachi just put that suit on Sas-
Mello: Shut up, Matt! Iko Wakka Kiki Maka Kunta Kintei might try to hurt you!
Matt: Oh, Mello-sama.
Mello: Shut up, Matt, and get over here! You're on our team! -Huddles everyone in and whispers- Okay, we'll need all of the help we can get against this guy. So.
Matt: -Hopeful gleam-
Mello: Absolutely no one passes the ball to Matt.
Matt: -Anime fall- You're so cruel.
Near: . There are too many people.
Mello: What?
Near: Look, we have L, Matt, you and I. That's four.
Mello: I CAN COUNT!!!
(Itachi's team)
Itachi: -Eavesdropping- ... If his counting is anything like his ability to see even numbers, they won't stand a chance.
(Back to Mello's team)
Near: Of course you can. Besides, Itachi has Sasuke and Kurama. That's only three. We outnumber them.
Mello: You forgot about Iko Wakka Kiki Maka Kunta Kintei...
Near: ... Mello, be serious...
Mello: I AM BEING SERIOUS! GAWD! WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH PEOPLE AND THINKING THAT I'M NOT SERIOUS THESE DAYS!?!?!?
Itachi: Hey, ant eater humpers! Are you ready to play yet?
L: -Cocks head with thumb in his mouth- Ant eater?
Mello: Grr... YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, ITACHI!!! PREPARE TO LOSE!!!
Itachi: Wait.
Mello: FOR KAI'S SAKE!!! WHAT NOW!?!? AM I STANDING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE FIELD?!?! AM I IN PENALTY NOW!?!? OH, WAIT, MAYBE I SHOULD STOP BREATHING BECAUSE THAT'S AGAINST THE RULE TOO!!!
Itachi: ... Sure, knock yourself out, but what I was trying to say is that we should make team names.
Mello: ...
Itachi: We shall be, Team Kat!
Mello: ... THAT'S WHY YO-
L: And we shall be Team Mi-Kai!!!
Mello: HEY! Why is Mi-chan's name first!? Kai's should!!!
L: Too late!!! Start the game!!!
Mello: FUCK YOU!!!
L: Umm... Sorry, Mello, but when it comes to you, I'm pretty sure I'm straight...
Mello: ... -Veiny poppy-ness-
Itachi: HEY! I COPYRIGHTED THAT!!!
(During the game)
L: -Kicks ball-
Mello: PASS THE BALL!
(L kicks the ball to Mello; Kurama and Sasuke follow the ball)
Itachi: CLOSE IN ON HIM!!!
(Kurama and Sasuke close in on Mello)
Matt: Mello-sama! Pass the ball! I'm open!!!
Mello: Never! I... Must... WIN!!!
Near: -Watches-
Mello: Urg! -Kicks the ball; Itachi blocks and throws to Sasuke-
Mello: NEAR! SWITCH PLACES WITH MATT!
(Switch)
Matt: I won't fail you Mello-sama!!!
(Sasuke comes in)
Matt: Oh? -DS turns on- Freddy? -Sits and plays-
Sasuke: (Makes a goal)
Itachi's team: YAAAAAAAY!!!
Mello: Hey, MATT!!!
Matt: -Looks up-
Mello: -Throws ball into his face; Matt passes out-
(When Matt wakes up)
Matt: -Groans and wakes to see L stooping over him; Near and Mello standing next to him- -Sits up- Ah! Who won?
Mello: Who do you think?!
Matt: Oh... I'm sorry, Mello-sama... I failed you...
L: Matt...
Mello: Yeah, you did!
L: Mello!
Mello: WHAT!? HE DID!!!
(L shakes head and, with Near, walks away)
Mello: -Folds arms and watches them leave; Looks at Matt- Why did you make us lose?! We had more players!!!
Matt: Mello-sama... I... Wait... What happened to Iko Wakka Kiki Maka Kunta Kintei?
Mello: That bastard ran before the game started. Cowardous piece of shit...
Matt: ... -Blink-
Mello: Why did you come anyway? To make me lose and look like a fool?
Matt: Yes...
Mello: -Glare- What did you really come here to do?!
Matt: -Eyes shift- ... Play soccer...
Mello: I hate you...
Matt: But, Mello-sam-
Mello: NO, shut up! Leave, right now!
Matt: Oh... T.T -Leaves-
Mello: -Sees Sasuke- Hey, Sasuke!
Sasuke: Huh?
Mello: Congratulations on your win, buddy! -Puts arm over his shoulder-
Sasuke: -Hastily shifts eyes- Mello! I- What so you want?
Mello: Now, now. Is that any way to treat a fan?
Sasuke: Fan?
Mello: Of course, I always loved the way you... What do you do?
Sasuke: -Like a kid- I'm a ninja!
Mello: Sure you are! Now, I say we do a little something for Kurama.
Sasuke: Why? Is he sad?
Mello: Yes! That's why he's in the bathroom right now. He's crying...
Sasuke: ... But we won. Why would he be crying?
Mello: Because he's sad that he can't swim and Mi-chan doesn't like people who swim like drowning cats!
Sasuke: ... Kat? ... Wow... mi-chan's a bitch...
Mello: EXACTLY! That's why he wants to try to swim!
Sasuke: Swim? But, what does that have to do with anyth-
Mello: Didn't you hear? The winner of the game gets top go to the pool!
Sasuke: -Eyes lit- Really?!?!
Mello: -A bit freaked out by his reaction- ... Yeah... What ever makes you help me...
Sasuke: What?
Mello: Oh, nothing... I think we should make Kurama feel better. I want to make him feel better!!!
Sasuke: I do too... I know! Maybe we can buy him some Mi-chan floaties!
Mello: -Enthusiastically- Yeah! Or, we can get him something better!
(In the bathroom)
Kurama: I have to take a shit... -Sits in stall, unzips pants and whistles-
(Mello and Sasuke creep in with a bucket)
Mello: Shh... -Points to the stall-
Sasuke: -Nods-
Mello: -Kicks stall door open- HAAAAA!!!!
(Sasuke and Mello pour the bucket of shit on Kurama)
Kurama: O.o ... -Gets covered by shit; Stares-
Mello: Hey, Kurama! I heard shit floats!
Kurama: ... What the fuck did you do that for?!
Sasuke: I heard that you couldn't swim, Kurama, and Mello said that with poop, you can float on water!
Kurama: But I can swim fine.
Mello: -Evil grin- I know...
Sasuke: What?
Mello: I just wanted to congratulate the winner of the soccer game. -Laughs-
Kurama: ... -Stands up and zips up pants- ... -Walks out-
Sasuke: Where are you going, Kurama?
Kurama: To take a shower with Mi-chan.
L: -Walks in, holding nose shut- Why does Kurama smell like Mexico crossed the border to take turns taking a shit on him?
Mello: Didn't you hear? -Leans on sink- It was Ojo de Pollo de la Casa en Mi Hijo day in Mexico!
L: No... What is it?
Mello: It's when Mexicans from all over the world come over and poop on Kurama!
L: ... Where do you get your Mexican information from?
Mello: -Swoons- Kai...
L: ... Okay... She'd probably hit you because Mexicans only live in Mexico... Not all over the world...
Mello: ... Yeah, well, you just missed it. The whole lot of Mexicans came and went... Racist...
L: ...Interesting...
Sasuke: Today is such a confusing day...
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Mello/ Near/ Itachi/ Sasuke: Review, please!
L: Along with John and Kurama! We form the WHIA!!!