Coil
"Roxas? Roxas!"
Roxas turned, just because he heard his name – how many Roxases could there be in one city, let alone one street, anyway?
The unfamiliar tone and equally unfamiliar, urgent quality about it made him stop.
There was a fire tearing across the street. It burned a straight trail, leaving huge gaps in the pavement as it followed streams of gasoline, attatched to the man with the voice and the urgency. He shouted the name again, as if it would make a difference. The building behind belched hotly.
Before Roxas could stutter out a well-placed 'what?', as he walked backwards, the curb came up too fast and knocked out his feet. The man in front of him, calling his name, burst into flames. The gasoline was trailing off the back of jeans soaked in what definitely wasn't water, and when it reached the hem of the man's trousers there was an unmistakeable 'whoof' noise. He burst into flames. He shouted Roxas' name again, and then was quickly extinguished by five or six firemen, who jumped in with foam and water and the skill to do everything except what Roxas was doing – also known as lying half on the curb and staring madly at the scene that was unfolding before him.
So of course he got in the ambulance. No matter that he didn't know the guy – the guy knew him, and he had something like twenty-fifth degree burns running up and down his legs. As the trousers had, unfortunately not been jeans – they were a plastic-based, cheap imitation of the aforementioned material – the clothes, all the way up to mid-thigh, had just about melted and stuck themselves, burning, to the man's skin. Screams of anguish accompanied Roxas and the paramedics all the way to A&E.
When they reached the hospital and found out he actually wasn't the man's brother, cousin, father, son or 'legal partner', the paramedics and surgeons of 'Our Lady's Hospital' refused Roxas entry. He couldn't stick around, and went home – but not before finding out the man's name – purely by accident, of course.
…
Roxas figured out something was wrong, when, upon visiting the next day, he seemed the only person who gave a crap about 'Axel Burton' and his whereabouts. He also got the same impression from the fact that the red-headed man had been moved to a nearby prison.
Giving up on his dignity, Roxas went to visit there, instead. The receptionist smiled when he'd asked why this guy was incarcerated, and told him it was just temporary. Brilliant. Comforting. He got the distinct feeling of having ventured and not having gained.
He was shown to the cell – unlike what he'd been led to believe, Roxas was surprised to find that there was a bed, separate 'facilities', a small tv and what looked like a gym mat. On seeing Roxas, the man in the cell (who before his visitor appeared had been watching Desperate Housewives) perked up immediately but did not stand. His legs were bandaged heavily, and from what Roxas could see, were bloody red. Axel waved.
"Roxas." He breathed, and Roxas smiled at him hesitantly. "I thought you'd forgotten who I was! They told me you came with me, to the hospital. Thanks."
"No problem." He decided to play it nonchalant. Clearly the guy was a little messed up – and how would 'i'm sorry I know you know me, but I don't actually know you' sound like to a crazy person? Not good. "How're your legs?"
"Pretty good, considering. Can't walk, of course, and they've got a nurse in to help me." The redhead smiled. "I missed you so much."
Something in Roxas panicked. "Axel, I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are."
Axel was silent. In fact, all of them were silent, including the guard behind Roxas (though he hadn't said much in the first place, truth be told). Just as it began to get unbearable, Axel opened his mouth.
"Wow, my legs are numb." Not exactly what he expected. That came next."…You really don't remember me? I mean…seriously?"
"Not at all." Roxas shrugged. "I came with the ambulance because I thought you knew me, and you'd been badly hurt…and I came today because I was still a little worried. Are you sure you've got the right guy?"
"How many Roxases could there possibly be?"
Roxas conceded to this, and sat down on a chair outside the cell. "So…where do you know me from?"
"If you really don't remember…" Axel began, and shook his head. "Look, the trial is tomorrow. I'm going to plead guilty, and I'm definitely going to get convicted. Most likely, I'll be moved to Traverse Town – Minimum security."
"mm-hm."
"Just visit me, okay? It's a comfort to see your face, even if you don't remember me."
Roxas felt uncomfortable, faced with the dependency he had already been exposed to. He stood and faced the guard behind him, turned back to smile uncertainly at Axel, told him he'd visit, then walked away. For the next day, it was all he could worry about.
…
Lots of times, he debated never letting the redhead back into his life. His live-in girlfriend, Naminé, told him in no uncertain terms that he had a duty to this man. His cousin, staying with them at the time, almost cried at the thought of leaving Axel alone 'when he was at his lowest'. Roxas tried to argue that the guy certainly didn't look so low, but was drowned by their plaintive cries. Even Riku, Sora's friend, ever-apathetic, said it wouldn't really be fair to break the promise.
So he was on his way to prison, burdened with flowers, a teddy bear and several porno mags, all donated by his respective friends. After phoning Traverse Minimum Security about seven thousand times, he finally got through and confirmed that Axel was 'staying there'. After battling traffic jams and trying desperately to figure out the directions, he finally arrived in the visiting room empty-handed, having had the 'too sharp' flowers, the 'could be a drug smuggler' teddy bear and the 'offensive material' all confiscated. Something dropped to the pit of his stomach when Axel's eyes lit up, upon seeing him – and then darkened, as if remembering that, oh yeah, Roxas had next to no idea who he was.
"Hey."
"Hello." Axel grinned, stuck out his hand and shook Roxas' wary palm firmly. "Storytime then? How long do we have?"
"They've given me half an hour."
"Okay, so we don't tell the whole story today. I can't be arsed. Let's just talk shit. How are you today?"
"I'm okay." Roxas shrugged, knowing he could have said more, but feeling too awkward to do so.
"Look, you can say anything to me. What annoyed you today? Did anything sexy happen? What did you dream about last night?"
Roxas laughed. "What?"
"You mean the sexy thing? Sexy things happen all the time!"
"Maybe to you."
"Yes, to me. Not to you? Sad. You're a different Roxas than the one I know." Roxas noted the present tense with mild disapproval. "But seriously. Talk to me. I'll just get bored, otherwise."
"Okay. What annoyed me today…traffic was unbearable."
"That's good. Elaborate. Accident on the highway? Nutjob on his cellphone? Whacked-out soccer mom finally in the 'breakdown' stage?"
"None of the above. Just traffic lights, road work, you know – same old."
"Good lord, you're boring." Axel lay back in his chair. "Okay. So what happened to me today. I'm sure it was less mundane than what happened to you. Sheesh."
"Okay." Roxas put his hands on the table and linked them together. "What happened to you, today?"
"So I've got this cellmate, right? 'Course, this place is just for us menfolk, but this guy…if he hasn't got a vagina, I'll eat my own penis and cut myself out a vagina, just so one of us has one and I don't have to be wrong. I hate being wrong."
Roxas pulled a face. "Eurgh."
"Wow. Just to let you know, I'm not exactly going to censor myself."
"Fine. Just…eurgh, though."
"You'll get used to it." Axel laughed, and it was little less than a wild cackle. He sobered a little. "Look, I know this must be hard for you. You don't know me, I know you – it's all a bit freaky, right?"
Roxas laughed right back, tensed muscles relaxing a little. "More than a little."
"Just trust me, Roxas. Can you do that? I promise you I know you."
"How much do you know about me, exactly?"
"Well, first off, you're gay."
Roxas' smile faded. "What?"
Axel's faded similarly. "What?"
The silence grew uncomfortable. Roxas leaned forward over the long blue table they were sitting, opposite eachother, at. "Tell me you're kidding."
An uneasy smile crept onto Axel's face. "Of course! Of course, I'm joking." He smiled wider. Unbelievable relief flooded Roxas' head. He laughed out loud.
"Great. Really had me worried there!"
"Bet I did. Okay. So…I'll admit, I don't know how old you are. You're 172 centimetres tall, though, and your mom's name is Dora. You grew up on Destiny Islands. Right?"
"All of it. I'm impressed. And I'm twenty-nine, by the way."
"Really?" Axel smiled. Tears started to well a little in his eyes. Roxas pretended not to see them. Then, as Axel's face grew progressively red and his eyes watered more and more, Roxas couldn't ignore it.
"…Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine, I'm sorry. Must be the meds for my legs, hah." Axel sniffed. "I never cry."
"…What is it?"
"The meds. And…well, I missed nine years of your life. Nearly ten. You're fucking grown up now. Jesus."
"You knew me when I was twenty?"
"Met you when you were fifteen."
"Oh. You knew me for that long?"
"How else could I have met your mother. Lovely lady. Tell her to stop by one day, okay?"
Roxas coughed. "She died when I was twenty-one."
"Oh. Well. Don't tell her, then. I'll be alright." He swiped at his eyes. "I'm such a girl."
"It's alright. Tell me about when you knew me."
Axel sat up straight. "Okay. It's a little strange."
"It doesn't matter. Just tell me."
"We met – this is so weird. Telling you. – we met on the third floor of your apartment building –"
A buzzer went off above the door. "Axel. I have to go. I'm not free until this time next week. Is that okay?"
"Sure. It's fine. I'll finish the story next time, okay?"
"Great."
Roxas had never lived in an apartment building – but his mother was only ever 'Dora' to her friends.
…
The next week, on Wednesday, Axel had an accident. As Roxas had planned to visit him on a Thursday, it was prior to his visit – Axel came hobbling into the visitor's room on his bandaged legs, sporting an all-new black eye and bloodied nose. Roxas stood when he saw it, purple, blackened and swollen.
"Jesus!" He hissed as Axel lowered himself into the chair and Roxas did the same, opposite him. "What the hell happened to you?"
"I fell. Bum legs crapped out on me. Hit the goddamn toilet." Axel grinned. "you're lucky I would never lie to you – I'm telling everyone else that I got it when I was boxing. Or having sex. Or that I was taking care of injured puppies – community service, you know?"
"How could you have done any of those things in here?"
"You'd be surprised." The grin was omnipresent. "So did anything sexy happen today?"
"Sexy things just don't happen to me."
"Liar! You're sitting here right now, aren't you?"
"Hardly what I call sexy."
"Psht, whatever. Each to his own." Axel changed the subject quickly, his smile turning at the corners. "Okay. I'm feeling a little…tabloid today. How's your love life?"
Roxas shrugged. "I might be asking my girlfriend to marry me."
"Whoa. Big step. Aren't you a little …young?"
"I don't think you can be, for this." Roxas smiled.
"What's she like?"
"Blonde, petite, gorgeous. Pretty face, amazingly sharp wit. She's …amazing."
"Good for you, then." Axel leaned back a little. "I remember, when I knew you, there was this chick – Naminé, was it? Pretty and all, but god! She was boring as hell. Never spoke! I doubted she even could. Never fought, either. Whatever bastard who ended up with her could do whatever he liked, and she wouldn't say or do a thing."
"Naminé. That's her."
"Shit." Axel laughed, a touch of hysteria present. "No way. Wow. You're going to marry her?"
"I think so." Roxas frowned. "You knew her?"
"All too well. She didn't know me, though - you're seriously going to marry her?"
"Yeah." Roxas frowned. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing. Nothing." Axel shrugged. "It's just, when I knew you, you didn't seem all that great a couple."
"Things must have been different." Roxas shook his head, smiling. "We're a perfect couple. We're into the same things, we react to things in the same ways…we always know what to say to eachother."
Axel laughed. "You must be right."
Roxas leaned back, then remembered something. "Oh yeah! Speaking of Naminé! She wanted me to give you this-" He dug in his pocket and pulled out a small purple box. Axel raised one of his small eyebrows.
"Gifts from the mrs? How much do you talk about me, exactly?" He grinned and opened the box. "Chocolates. They let you in with these?"
"You'll notice one of the layers is gone. Those guards are thorough."
"More than thorough. Some of the ones on this layer are gone, too. There were only ten in the first place!"
"Well. That's what you get for being in prison." Roxas went quiet, contemplating how to phrase his next question. Axel smirked.
"I know that look. That's the 'what-the-hell-did-you-do' look."
"…There have been times like this before?"
"Only one. Not worth going into. Lots of vodka, some russian transsexuals, a couple of body cavities and well-hidden cocaine…naaasty business."
"Right. Well. What did you do?"
"I set myself, and my entire apartment, on fire."
"…On purpose?"
"I'm an expert in doing things like that on purpose."
"…Why?"
"Why am I an expert, or what did I do it?"
"The latter."
"Felt bad. Got dumped. Missed my old friends. You know how it is."
Surprisingly, he did. "…Surprisingly, I do."
"Thought you would. I don't do self-harm, though. I prefer to hurt belongings. Oh! Hey! I never told you how we met!"
"Burning things reminded you?"
"Oh, it's quite a tale." Axel leaned his chin on his knuckles. "So I met you on the third floor. I told you that, right?" He nodded in response to Roxas' own nod. "So you were up there for no apparent reason – lights on, nobody was home. Middle of the night. I was sitting outside my apartment, because-" Roxas interrupted.
"I was sleepwalking?"
"Yeah. You did it a lot...didn't you?"
"Never. Always wondered what it was like, though."
"Well. Anyway. You were sleepwalking, and-"
The buzzer went off again, and as Roxas left, Axel took his hand. Roxas looked at the elder man's bruised and bloodied face.
"Don't fall again."
"Trust me, I won't."
…
The next Monday, Roxas had some spare time, and Naminé made him go to the prison. He didn't really have many objections to it – truth be told, he enjoyed Axel's lively, disjointed conversation, even if the tales Axel told him seemed a little 'out there'. This time, he brought cigarettes with him – but not for Axel. Naminé didn't know he smoked.
He went to the front desk as usual, was greeted apathetically, as usual – but unusually, he was told he couldn't visit for at least half an hour.
"He fell again." The guard shrugged. "His legs aren't healing properly. I don't pretend to know why."
"Oh."
After sitting boredly on his own for at least three quarters of an hour, Roxas was finally let through. He caught sight of Axel as he was going in, on the other side of the room, through the small window of glass in the opposite door. Roxas sat and tried not to wince at what would inevitably be bloody – but apparently nothing had changed. The surprise was evident on his face. Axel caught it as he lowered himself slowly into his chair, with the aid of crutches.
"My arms are beefing up like crazy. I'll be able to lift the guards, soon."
"They told me you fell again."
"Yep. Just now. Hurt like a bitch. Tore up my legs – turns out they're pretty fragile. Changing the bandages is agony."
Roxas bit his lip gently. "Ouch. You okay?"
"I am now! What're you doing here?"
"Had a couple of extra hours. Naminé said I should come."
"I take back what I said. She's a good woman."
"I always knew." Roxas smiled. "So, something sexy happened to me today."
"Reaaaally."
"No. Shame, though."
"Real shame. Propose yet?"
"Not yet. I'm still deciding whether I will or not. I mean…we might not be as right for eachother as I think, right?"
Axel shook his head. "No, fuckoff. Forget what I said. If you love her, you fucking marry her. That was the meds talking. Screwed me up."
"Glad for the vote of confidence." Roxas pulled out the packet of cigarettes. "Look, these are for me, but will they let you have one?"
"I don't smoke."
"Funny. Your house does."
"Fuckoff." Axel smiled lazily and held out a hand. "Give me one. Maybe I can trade it for a blowjob."
"Nice."
"It could be." Silence descended, as it was wont to do. Axel sighed, and looked ten years older in the space of three seconds. He folded his hands in his lap. "Are you happy, Roxas?"
"That's a weird question."
Axel looked at him tiredly. "Just answer it."
"Honestly? I'm really happy. I've got a really good life."
The redhead's expression was bittersweet. "I'm kinda disappointed. You managed to function so well without me."
"If I'd known you existed, I'd definitely have missed you."
"Of course. You'd miss me like part of you was missing."
"How can you be so sure?"
"You told me, once."
Roxas smiled – it was a patronizing smile, and he felt bad for adopting it. "Axel, how old are you?"
"Thirty-nine."
"Ten years is a lot of difference."
"Don't I know it. Dora really didn't approve of me, at first – but I won her over. After a while, she couldn't get enough."
"That's my mom you're talking about."
Axel shrugged. "To me, she's just a woman. Part of her always was, you know. Beautiful woman, too. Strong woman, after your dad left."
"He came back."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." Roxas frowned. "But she was strong. I guess even strong can't beat cancer, but she put up an amazing fight."
"All her life."
They smiled at eachother, and for a moment, Roxas could see something familiar in those green irises – not a situation, or a place, or a time, but a feeling. A gladness of aquaintance with this strange, lopsided man, too young to be old and too old to be young. He was attacked with another strange feeling, too – like part of him was missing. Only for a second – but it lasted long enough for him to consider, and almost lament for, the life that he could have had, and the years he could have had, with Axel by his side.
More than anything, in that moment, he wished he could remember.
"What was I to you?"
"Now, that would be telling." Axel tapped his long, crooked nose with a similar finger.
"Yeah, it would." Roxas reached over the table and tapped Axel's hand. "Tell me." Axel mimicked Roxas' action from before, but instead of a gentle tap, he covered Roxas' hand with his own. "What was I to you?" Roxas asked again. Axel smiled.
"Everything."
The buzzer went off. Roxas moved his hand, not sure what to make of it, and shook Axel's other hand as he left, pressing another cigarette into his hand.
…
He didn't visit again for quite some time. He meant to.
Firstly, he proposed to Naminé. She said yes immediately, and they celebrated quickly – the wedding was scheduled for July, as 'the weather would be beautiful'. When their plans were cancelled, Naminé having called it off – "We're just not right for eachother, Roxas." – he got some kind of sick satisfaction from knowing the date of their wedding would have been dark.
When he finally returned to the prison, almost a month after his last visit, He found Axel in a wheelchair, arms stronger than ever.
"Been a while. They found out why I kept falling."
"What was it?"
"Nerve endings, nerve beginnings, nerve middles – all shot. All over my legs. My body can't feel them properly anymore."
"…Can you walk?"
"Yep. I can dance. See?" Axel moved his chair sarcastically from side to side. It was sickeningly, morbidly funny. "Sorry. Meds."
"Of course."
They sat opposite eachother, looking for a long time. Axel sighed.
"It's been a while."
"Wedding stuff." Roxas ran a hand through his hair. "It was on, now it's not."
"Fuck. What happened?"
"Turns out we're just not right for eachother." He quoted her in a bitter falsetto.
"Fuck." Axel pulled a strand from behind his head and began to plait it. "So you're single now?"
"Probably will be for awhile. This is my 'strongman' face." Roxas looked at him apathetically. "I can't manage much else, at the moment. I really loved her. I don't understand why she broke it off."
"People do weird things for love."
"What, like destroy it?"
"Why not? I've been there. It probably hurt her, too." Axel shrugged. "But what do I know. Really." He smiled. "We're like old men already. You more than me."
"How does that work?"
"I dunno. You tell me, grandpa."
Roxas leaned forward, on the table. "I've been thinking a lot, about last time I was here."
"Can I blame the meds?"
"No. Axel, tell me how we met. No, wait. Forget that. I don't care how it began. Tell me how it ended."
"We just drifted apart."
"How far was there to drift?"
"Oceans. We used to be real close-" He caught Roxas' expression. "But not in the way you're thinking. We were there for eachother. When your mom's tumor's got worse, and she lost her eye, I did the best I could. When I lost my hearing, here-" He pointed to his left ear – "I couldn't imagine life without you. You meant everything to me, Roxas. I mean that."
"And now?"
"I still remember, even if you don't. Even if, somehow, it never happened to you. I remember. You're always going to be everything."
"This is a lot to deal with."
"It doesn't have to be. Feel however you fucking want about me, Roxas. You're not twenty anymore. I lost my claim on you a long time ago." He shrugged. "Can't it just be nice for someone to love you, without the panic?"
"I guess -" Roxas stopped. "But tell me. How did it end? Why did we drift?"
"You had to leave." The buzzer went off, but Axel ignored it and put a hand over Roxas' to stop him moving. "The place where we lived was so small. You were bigger than that – bigger than all of us. I used to tell people I had big plans. That I wanted to see the world – I always knew I wouldn't, but everyone knew you would." He stood, gently tugging Roxas to his feet. "You were everything to me, but I never lost everything. I forgive you for leaving me. Alright? I forgive you."
"I'm sorry.Tell me everything, one day. Maybe when you get out."
"Maybe sooner?"
Roxas laughed. "Alright. Okay."
Axel pulled him closer, into a tight hug, and gently kissed his cheek. "It will be."