A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I am feeling really good about this story, and please don't hesitate to share your thoughts, positive or negative. I'll try to update a little sooner the next time around. The song for this chapter is "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins. So here goes.
WHERE I STOOD
"Hey, baby," Summer crooned as she touched Audrey's smooth cheek a little before seven the next morning. "Wake up, honey." Audrey's eyelids fluttered and she sat up quickly in surprise in her little-girl bed with its slightly ragged pink blanket.
"It's already morning?" She asked brightly, making Summer laugh. Her heart melted with her overwhelming love for her four-year-old. "Can I have some—"
"Lucky Charms?" Summer laughed. "Of course."
Audrey smiled happily and got out of bed, shoving her pink blanket out of the way, to put clothes on for the day. "Mommy, I have no more clean socks!" She blurted as soon as she opened her dresser drawer.
Summer frowned when she inspected Audrey's dresser and found the little girl's words to be true. The Laundromat around the corner from their apartment that she'd been using had recently upped its prices, and each week she put off doing the wash for as long as possible. Now that would be another thing to do later. "Okay, honey, why don't you wear your sandals today?" Summer pointed towards the little sandals she'd found Audrey the last summer.
Audrey attempted to wedge her feet into the shoes, but it was obvious that they were too small. She looked up to her mother frowning. Summer's heart broke for her little daughter. She couldn't even afford shoes that fit, she couldn't manage to do the laundry regularly enough, she couldn't even maintain a lifestyle she'd be content with for her daughter. Summer thought back to her own childhood, where multiple housekeepers would clean and do all the laundry, and her mother had always come home with bags and bags of designer clothes for her little Summer.
But her own mother had left her, Summer reasoned with herself, like she always did when she compared her own childhood to Audrey's when she was feeling inadequate. Her own mother hadn't even made it to see Summer enter high school. But Summer would be there for Audrey forever, no matter what. She breathed again, knowing that she would have done away with all of her expensive dresses when she was younger, if only her mother had stayed, if only her mother hadn't left her when she was thirteen, needing her most.
"You'll have to wear them for today," Summer apologized, as Audrey nodded and squeezed her toes into the shoes, buckling them. "We'll get you some new ones soon. And I'll do the laundry tonight."
"Sorry, Mommy," Audrey said sorrowfully.
"There's nothing to be sorry for," Summer said sternly, lifting Audrey's chin to look into her baby's eyes. This was not the way her daughter was going to grow up, ashamed. That was something Summer could not let burden her baby. "Okay?"
"Okay," Audrey nodded, and ran into the kitchen for her Lucky Charms.
"Oh, Aud," Summer said, as they ate their breakfasts. "Seth is going to pick you up from day care today, alright? And bring you back to the diner."
"Seth?" Audrey exclaimed excitedly. Though she rarely saw her mother's old friend, his silly behavior and the amount of attention he paid her made him a favorite in her eyes."Yay!"
Summer smiled happily when she saw how enthralled her daughter was with Seth. "It's time to go now, sweetheart."
Audrey nodded, running to get her jacket, which Summer realized clashed horribly with her too-small sandals. But there was no caring about that now. Summer hadn't minded mismatched clothes in a long time. The former fashionista now cared about bargains and efficiency, and prided herself not for sprees at Dolce & Gabbana but for finding slightly stained or ripped items that she could argue with salesclerks over to reduce their prices.
At two, six hours after her shift at Lucille's Diner had begun, Summer noticed Seth, holding Audrey's hand, enter the establishment, looking for her. She quickly untied her uniform apron and hung it on a hook in the employee room, but her half-hour lunch break wasn't worth changing out of the itchy uniform pink and white striped dress with its poofy skirt and starched white collar. She rushed over to Seth and Audrey as fast as the similarly required and similarly incredibly uncomfortable white patent leather pumps could carry her.
"Sum!" Seth exclaimed as she approached, letting her fall into his arms, hugging her tightly, wrapping his arms around her, making her feel as if everything was alright in that moment. He noticed how thin she'd gotten but enjoyed the feeling of her next to him, loving being there and being there for her.
"Hey, Aud," Summer said, hugging her daughter when she and Seth broke apart.
"Hi, Mommy!" Audrey grinned.
"Want to go outside so you can eat?" Seth asked Summer, slightly concerned at the looks of the inside of the diner.
"Sure," Summer agreed. She waved down another waitress to alert her that she was taking her break, and took off the heels in favor of a pair of reliable, well-worn flats. She followed Seth and Audrey out of the diner and towards the small park down the street, where Audrey immediately abandoned Seth and Summer for the sandbox.
"We weren't sure what you wanted," Seth explained, taking several foil-wrapped sandwiches out of a paper bag, "So we have options. Turkey, chicken, roast beef, and tuna."
Summer was touched by his gesture. "Oh, Seth, thank you. That's so sweet."
Seth laughed. "Mainly I was trying to avoid rage blackout."
Summer began to unwrap a sandwich, smiling at him. "You know, I'm not even annoyed by that comment. I think I missed you too much."
Seth grinned. "I missed you too, Sum. The phone isn't the same."
"But you're here now," Summer said. She bit into the sandwich. "And thank you, again. You really helped out with Audrey, and, of course, it is really great to see you."
"I'm happy to do it," Seth promised. "The Newport Group can't maintain my interest for a whole day."
Summer smiled sadly. So he wasn't doing what he loved, either. "How is it going?"
"Fine, I guess. It's not like I can really tell. I wasn't really trained to do this kind of work."
Summer nodded towards the diner. "Tell me about it."
He laughed hesitantly, and she smiled. He paused, looking her up and down. Her dark hair was pulled into a manageable ponytail, her face was pale and worn but still as beautiful as it always had been. He had always loved her when she'd been natural, carefree. "How are you? Really?"
"Everything's okay," Summer said, less enthusiastically, swallowing a bite of sandwich. "Audrey's growing up, and everything's just…pretty good."
"How's Marcus?" Seth continued, although by the changing look in Summer's eyes it was clear she did not want to go this direction. Though all he wanted was to make her happy, Seth also knew that there was something going on that Summer wasn't telling him fully.
"Fine," she said coldly.
"And you're still liking LA?" Seth asked.
"It's not Newport," Summer explained. "But it's good enough for now."
"Why don't you move back?" Seth inquired, his mind wheels working rapidly.
Summer laughed at him. "To Newport?"
"Yeah!" Seth replied enthusiastically. "You could see me more, and everyone else, and Audrey's going to go to school soon and she could go to Harbor, and—"
"Seth," Summer said, snapping him out of his ramble. "I can't afford paying for Audrey to go to Harbor, let alone renting an apartment in Newport. Even Alex's old place cost far more than I'm paying right now."
Seth bit his lip. "I could help you out, you know that, right? If you ever need anything?"
"I know, Cohen," Summer nodded, although she would never ask him for money. She had too much pride, too much determination, to do that. With Marcus, at least she felt like the money was deserved. She was raising their daughter, even though he refused to acknowledge that he was Audrey's father. And she was giving him what he wanted of her. "I know."
"Can't I do anything?" Seth pleaded. "I just hate how you're doing this to yourself."
"Doing what?" Summer asked angrily.
"Working two jobs! Barely being around for Audrey! Not giving yourself any time to breathe!" Seth exclaimed.
Summer's eyes narrowed. "I am a perfectly good mother for Audrey."
"I never said that," Seth said, his own eyes widening at how she'd interpreted his words. He knew this was the subject Summer was most sensitive about. He should have known not to say that. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I just meant--"
"Well, that's how it sounded!" Summer snapped, cutting him off sharply. She placed the three-quarters of the sandwich that she hadn't eaten down on the bench next to Seth. "Look, it was nice seeing you. I should get back to work."
"Summer, wait!" Seth protested, following her as she marched towards the sandbox. Summer stood Audrey up and began brushing off the disgusting playground sand that covered her daughter. "Sum! I didn't mean for it to come off like that!"
Summer ignored him and walked back towards the diner, dragging Audrey alongside her. Seth watched her in the window, setting up Audrey in a booth near the back and sliding on those painful shoes and that apron again. He could see the straggly graying manager yelling at her for a few minutes while she nodded subserviently before she began hurrying around the restaurant, stacking heavy dishes into bins and toting them around. Seth hated seeing her like this, so weak, so much less than he knew she had the potential to be. He had always believed—as well as Summer, he was sure—that she would become a fashion designer or a magazine editor or something else equally glamorous. More than that, he had thought that they'd get married. That they'd be in Newport, together, that they'd go on romantic dates at the Arches and they'd have a big wedding on the beach and they'd hang out with Ryan and Marissa, just like old times.
But when their sophomore year of college came around, and Seth was supposed to go to RISD, Brown called Summer, officially expelling her after the incident with the bunnies and the other events Che had blamed her for. She'd lived in Newport, bored and frustrated, as she and Seth tried to maintain some semblance of a long-distance relationship. She fiercely hated that Seth was going out and partying in Rhode Island, calling her less frequently than she would have liked, and she hated above all else that he'd befriended Anna Stern while he was on the East Coast. Seth suggested she move out to live with him, and she did, but it only aggravated the situation more. She was restless, and they'd broken up right after Seth turned 21 at the very beginning of his senior year. Summer had moved to LA, and Seth hadn't heard from her until he graduated and moved back to Newport to take over the Newport Group when he hadn't gotten any of the comic book related jobs he'd always wanted.
They'd become close again, then, and Seth had met a then-newborn Audrey. They talked on the phone constantly, and at the beginning, when Summer had had the time, they'd emailed back and forth too. Seth occasionally came to visit—never at home, they'd always meet out somewhere—but Summer discouraged him from doing so, though besides her embarrassment he'd never known why. He knew about Marcus and the nature of his relationship with Summer, but not of the abuse or the pain that Summer had suffered for so many years. He hated the whole situation, but Summer never let him help, financially or otherwise, so he depended on their phone calls to reach her, talk to her, make her feel better. It was the only way he could.
So he hated watching her bend over painfully in her pumps to scrub some assholes' crusted-over ketchup off a table in the diner. He hated watching her hoist a bin of dirty dishes and struggle with it back and forth from the kitchen. He hated watching her be screamed at by irritating customers, fellow waitresses, and the diner's manager. Seth yearned to do more, to help her more, to figure out a way to make everything he was seeing go away.
But there was nothing more he could do at the moment. Seth walked back to his car, thinking of what he would do, and concocting a plan.
…
"Bye, Audrey," Summer whispered when the babysitter's door shut, leaving Summer to turn around, drive home, and relax for the little time she had until she had to head over to Luna Chicks. Her shift at the diner ended at 4, and her shift at Luna Chicks began at 6, and during that window of time she had to get Audrey to the sitter's and usually she had to screw Marcus a few times, but he hadn't called that day, so maybe she'd be spared from that.
She went into the shower as soon as she got home, washing off the diner's grime and stench from her skin, enjoying the steaming water and knowing that if she spent longer than ten or fifteen minutes in it, it would turn cold. The apartment complex's landlord never shelled out for proper water heating. But Summer didn't mind, ten minutes was all she needed, a few minutes to relax and recuperate from the stress of her life. With the water her makeup was rinsed off, and Summer was glad that Seth hadn't noticed the bruises buried beneath the cover-up. When she emerged from the shower, she saw her body as it was—with the finger-shaped marks where her wrists, neck, back and waist had been gripped, and the splotchy patches of blue and purple on her face and arms and legs where his violence and roughness had violated her. She winced when she accidentally banged her bruise-laden hip against the bathroom door.
She turned around when she heard breathing behind her, and jumped when Marcus's frame appeared in the doorway.
"Marcus?" She gasped. She was completely naked and yanked a towel off the hook to cover her, although she knew it was of little use, and it would be pulled off momentarily.
"I decided to stop by," he explained, though that was obvious. Summer frowned. She didn't have much time until she was due at work, and she was achy and tired and just wanted to squeeze in a power-nap. But that wasn't going to work out now. "Come on, Summer, let's go into the bedroom."
"Marcus, please," Summer said haltingly, biting the inside of her lip. "Just…not tonight, okay? I really can't do this tonight."
"So you expect me to spend my life waiting for you to be ready?" Marcus asked rhetorically, making Summer's eyes and throat burn with pain. His words stabbed her, and they mirrored those Seth would always whisper to her when they had been going through a difficult period. Whenever you're ready, he would say to her. I'll always be here. I'll wait for you forever.
But he hadn't waited forever, and neither had she. They had broken up like all high school couples inevitably did. Now they were simply friends, split by distance and differences. Now she was with a man who refused to acknowledge her or their daughter publicly, a man who would never wait for her, a man who was not interested in how ready she was or how she was feeling.
This was made clear as he shoved Summer suddenly against the bathroom wall, stripping her of her towel—her protection, her shield, her only hope—in the process. Summer felt so bare, so empty; he could do anything to her. She was powerless, and helpless, and he had complete control over her and her body. He had always warned her that if she ever disclosed anything about Audrey to his wife or the press or anyone else, he would sue for custody and given the difference in their lifestyles, Summer knew that he could win. It didn't matter that he didn't give a shit about their daughter, but more that he did not want anyone to know about her.
Marcus shoved Summer down to the cracking tiled bathroom floor below him, so she was kneeling painfully, and forced himself into her mouth. She did what she had to do, keeping her mind on happier thoughts, like her breakfasts with Audrey every morning and seeing Seth earlier that day. Marcus slapped her into submission, and she felt her head collide sharply with the wall and her mind was sent spinning into pain. And soon he shoved himself inside of her, and she stared at the ceiling, waiting for it to be over. He held her firmly to the wall and stared at her before diving his lips towards her neck, kissing feverishly, biting and sucking when his passion overtook him, as Summer winced with the unpleasant pain. He thrust in and out of her, more roughly than he ever had, and with each move Summer felt more empty, more vulnerable, more weak. It's all for Audrey, she reminded herself as Marcus found his mouth on her earlobe, biting down hard. It's all for Audrey, it's so she can have a good life, it's so we can survive.
"Good night, Summer," he whispered hauntingly. When she didn't look up, he slammed his fist into her cheek, and a sharp throbbing began to pound throughout her head. Finally he let the bathroom door shut close behind him, leaving Summer to slump to the floor. Finally. She leaned against the wall, sobbing, in more pain emotionally and physically than ever. The image of Seth holding Audrey's hand and walking into the diner was burned into her memory, and it replayed over and over in her mind, taking her mind off the cuts and bruises that painted her entire body, the immense pain in her face, and the blood coming out of her, a result of Marcus's brutality. She couldn't even move. She knew that there were things to do: get dressed to head over to Luna Chicks, do the laundry, pay all those bills that arrived at the apartment stamped with angry red warnings. But she couldn't deal with that now. It hurt too badly to move, so she stayed still, wishing that everything, everything, would go away.