A/N I've been feeling a little blue, thanks for the reviews, sorry it's been a few days, keep them coming…I'd appreciate it.

You know that life all too well.

His hands were shaking and he felt nervous. Anxiety was kicking itself in. In a mixture of anticipation and sorrow, he was nervously tapping his foot against the rest of the chair. His hands fumbling around in his lap, he couldn't steady himself. Every time someone walked by the room he'd look up anxiously and realize no one was coming in.

Just when he was going to give up and try to relax, he heard someone breathing.

He looked up into the eyes of a familiar face.

"Max…"

Max smiled as he slouched in the door frame. His eyes looked rested, but something in his face still looked unsteady. He was happy but not the happy kid he used to be.

"You look ready to get out of here."

"Well don't you think it's about time, I couldn't take another week or day at that."

Max eased his way into the room and embraced his friend in a warm hug. He stood back up and smiled. "So what are the rules?"

"I have to keep practicing with walking everyday and I have to keep up my exercises. They say I should be fine, just a wee bit sore. And I have to stay rested and not overwork myself."

"And?"

"And I have to keep taking these antibiotics for a few days."

Max's face still looked puzzled. "And…"

Jude eyed him for a few seconds before realizing what he was hinting at. "And I can't drink."

"Are those their orders?"

"I'll get another ulcer if this one is even completely healed yet. Plus…apparently my insides aren't too satisfied with the drinking I'd been doing."

"Neither were your outsides by the looks of you. Or how you looked. You don't look so bad now."

Jude smiled. "If I could get out of this chair and kick you I would."

"Oh you could get out, but the kicking part…ah I don't think so."

Jude shook his head. "Just wheel me out, please."

Max picked up some papers and walked over to him, he began to push him towards the hall. Jude couldn't wait to leave. They went out into the sunlight and he closed his eyes and let it hit his face. He smiled and felt so alive, sore, but alive. Max helped him up and helped him into the cab. A nurse by the door took the wheel chair inside after waving goodbye. Max climbed into the cab and nodded to the driver.

Jude rolled the window down and felt the light breeze fly into the cab. He smiled to himself yet again and felt so free.

Max sat nervously next to Jude, he was so happy he was coming home but in the same sense, he was worried sick. No Lucy. There hadn't been no Lucy in over a year, and it was hard enough for everyone else to get used to. He bit his index finger nail nervously while Jude smiled to himself.

The cab pulled up and Jude winced while getting out of the car.

"How am I supposed to manage those?" He said pointing to the stairs.

"Well, I'm sure you could do it, it would just take a while, but we got you covered."

Jojo walked out and smiled at Jude. He hugged him gently and him and Max both picked him up and helped him walk a few steps, then would carry him for a few. Through fits of laughter and a few stops to catch their breath they made it up the stairs to find Sadie waiting anxiously.

She smiled in Jude's direction and when he entered the apartment and Jojo and Max let him down, she welcomed him home with a huge hug. Jude felt so good, so happy to be back. Sadie let him go and Max helped him to his old room. They joked on the way about Jojo falling a few floors back but the mood shifted when Jude walked into his room.

It was clean, no bottles, no clothes lying around, only a few pictures he drew, his dresser, and a freshly made bed. He felt his stomach knot up and he gripped it.

"You gonna get sick man?"

"No….I'll be fine Max, sometimes it just aches."

Max nodded and watched Jude stumble over to the bed and lay down. He looked up at the ceiling and felt a wave of sadness. It was the same wave of sadness that hit him head on the day he read the letter. He felt his throat grow tight and he fought the urge to cry.

Max eyed his friend nervously. He thought about saying something funny to ease the tension building up, but he opted for silence instead. He walked over to the bed and sat down. He looked at Jude's face, it looked so sad but he wasn't going to cry. Max could tell he was fighting back the tears, and he had a pretty good idea he knew why.

"She is doing good." Max said barely above a whisper.

Jude blinked and nodded slightly.

"Mom said…well, she said she mopes around a lot, but she's smiling some, and she hasn't had a crazy outburst or anything. The doctors said in a few weeks she'll be totally clean, unless she would relapse or something."

Max's words trailed off and Jude continued to nod every now and again, all the while staring at the ceiling. It was cracking, it needed painted, he had the urge to paint it…but the idea of standing up made him feel dizzy.

"I'm going to fix that ceiling as soon as I can."

Max looked up and raised his eyebrows. "I see where your priorities are."

"Seriously, it needs fixed, the paint is chipping, and it would be nice to paint."

Max nodded. Jude obviously didn't want to talk about Lucy, or her situation. He stood up and stretched.

"Do you want something to eat or drink, and that offer excludes alcohol."

Jude smiled a small one, that drew the corners of his mouth up slightly. He nodded back, "Just some water for now."

Max nodded and walked out.

Jude stared back up at the pastel whitish ceiling and imagined painting something stunning on it. "She'd like that" he thought to himself. But he shook the idea of Lucy from his head. Him painting something she would like wasn't going to bring her back at all. She had made it clear, that she needed to forget him, and while he was trying to forget her, he was writing her letters all the time. Unfinished, some thrown away, some enveloped and ready to be sent. He couldn't make up his mind what to do. He pulled the letters from his coat pocked and held them overhead reading them to himself.

And even though the moment passed me by I still can't turn away, 'cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose got tossed along the way. And letters that you never meant to send get lost or thrown away. And now we're grown up orphans that never knew their names, we don't belong to no one that's a shame. But if you could hide beside me maybe for a while, and I won't tell no one your name And I won't tell em' your name.

He choked on his own breath as it caught in his throat. He couldn't bear to read his own letters to her. He couldn't bear the thought that she wasn't coming home. He wanted her to be there, in their room smiling back at him while he drew pictures. But Lucy wasn't around. This idea he had in his head, it was only an idea, one that wouldn't fall through.

He looked back at the letter, re-reading his own words scribbled all over the page.

And scars are souvenirs you never lose the past is never far. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there did you get to be a star? And don't it make you sad to know that life Is more than who we are ?We grew up way too fast And now there's nothing to believe.Reruns all become our history. A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio and I won't tell no one your name.

Jude tossed the letter down onto the floor and couldn't hold his tears back anymore. He bit his lip and rolled to his side feeling his whole body shake with every tear. He couldn't be on his own again, he didn't remember life without Lucy in it at all. He wanted a drink so badly but he knew he couldn't. He was fighting off sadness, alcohol, pain, and he had never felt so alone and so messed up.

Max walked into the room and saw Jude lying on his side, quivering. He could hear his breath and he knew he was crying. Max had never dealt with something quite like this, so he sat the glass of water down and decided it would be best to leave. He noticed the paper on the floor and he picked it up, reading over some of the words.

I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same. It's lonely where you are come back down, and I won't tell 'em your name.

Max folded the letter in his hands and turned and walked out. He walked to the kitchen, sat down at the table, and pulled out a brown envelope and a pack of stamps.

A/N Blah I know, and the song is the goo goo dolls so I'll give them credit, it just fit kind of well.