Dirty Little Secret
The bourbon burns his throat but not quite enough to dull the burn of Her leaving, nothing had so far, not throwing himself into work, drinking himself into a stupor or loosing himself in the closest girl to him in the bar two night previous. Not even her hair, which reminded him of Hers, was enough to dull it. It hadn't helped, and it made him feel dirty afterwards. Swearing off women for the moment he decided to buy a bottle of the one drink that reminded him of Her.
I've been up all night drinking
To drown my sorrow down
Nothing seems to help me since you went away.
The rest of the team knows, they look at him accusingly, like it's his fault she left, maybe it is. He's know they talk, he hears them, wondering what happened, why she left so suddenly, why he can't seem to make eye contact with anyone anymore, less they see the anger and betrayal in them.
I'm so tired of this town
Where every tongue is wagging
When every back is turned.
Ducky knows. He is angry, angry at him for not making her stay, as if he had the choice. Ducky doesn't gossip, he stares, with expressive eyes that fire questions that Gibbs is unable and unwilling to answer, wanting to keep everything to do with her locked away from prying eyes, his little secret. But Ducky also stares with sympathy, knowing him better than he wants, knowing that he misses her and wants her back and accusations are no good for anybody.
Their telling secrets that should never be revealed
There's nothing to be gained from this
But disaster…
The scuttlebutt starts. Twisting and distorting with every version. Hanging thickly in the air, choking him. He tries to hide, tries to hide from the blatant stares, maybe from only a few people know, or think that they know but its more than enough to remind him everyday of what's missing.
Here's a good one...
Did you hear about my friend
He's embarrassed to be seen now
because we all know his sins.
He thinks he sees her, outside his house. He thinks he sees the silhouette of her long legs against the streetlamp. His hands clench by his sides when he realizes that it isn't her. He wished she was there, so he could say the things he never got to say, but he knows that in reality he wouldn't say anything, because he isn't that kind of man. He also knows that it might be too late.
If I had the chance love
You know, I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late.
6 years later she stands in front of him, and all he can say, I missed you Jen, is almost meaningless…almost, but the indecision in her eyes is enough to make him smile, and maybe this time it will remain a secret, their dirty little secret.
Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight
Oh, I am willing to give up this fight…
Sorry Aly...next one will be happier, I promise!
V!
xox