Wake Me Up With Summer Rain
Story 2: Dulled Gold

They say that you never know what you have until it's gone. I think I can understand that. Sometimes I wonder if I really wanted to pay attention, but didn't have the mental capacity that someone wanted to know me.

I guess a lifetime of pain numbs you to a point where you can't even feel love from those you care about.

That is sad, isn't it?

When I first saw her, I was an idiot. I will probably never admit this to anyone else, but I was (and probably still am) an idiot. I pretty much thought of her was really weird. Maybe a part of me liked that because someone else was sort of like an outcast.

Like me.

A little selfish, yes, but I liked it. I felt I could relate to her.

Then I saw her family.

At the time, I didn't know that she was from one of the strongest clans in the village. She was their heiress. She always had some form of protection to keep unwelcome persons from coming near her.

I was the definition of "unwelcome," and wanted to keep her away from me. I probably still am that definition.

During the Chuushin Exam, I saw her quite a bit. She even gave me a jar of her medicine cream. I was oblivious that she even liked me at the time. I think the blushing was a hint, but I did say that I was an idiot. When her cousin nearly beat her to death, I never felt so much anger. Enough that I wanted to kill him from where he stands. I probably felt more anger at him than at Haku when he nearly killed that teme. It scared me.

I did get my point across to the baka-cousin of hers, but what was more, it was what happened before my fight that was interesting.

She thought of me as a proud failure, someone who would not give up so easily.

What I said next wasn't intelligent, but the meaning was in there…

"You know, I always thought of you as a dark, plain looking weirdo…"

Very stupid of me, isn't it.

"…But I like people like you."

After training for several years away from the village (with the perverted hermit), I came back home. The villagers still hated me, no change in that, but I wanted to see Hinata. It was weird. I always had this crush on Sakura. She was pretty and smart (and had a hell of a punch as soon as I soon learned). I found Hinata something different that I ever encountered in a girl before.

Sakura and Ino were loud, bossy, pretty, and had their ways with boys,

Hinata was quiet, shy and a great listener.

I made the decision that I would chase Hinata, like I did with Sakura, but more subtlety.

Somehow, losing her friendship terrified me, and I still don't really understand why.

She rejected me.

She flat out rejected me.

Of all people, it was her.

A long time ago, in place far away from here, we played together without fear of others finding out about us. We did almost everything together: eat, sleep, study, train…

Dream.

She was going to get married…and I didn't want her too.

I love her.

But she doesn't love me.

"This is no longer about us. It is about the survival of the village. You and I know that. Please understand this. I'm doing this for the village. For my clan. For…"

"Why is it that you always lie to me Hinata-chan?"

She always lied to me about her feelings. I know she loves someone, but I didn't know whom.

I think it is me.

Or at least was.

I'm going to be eighteen now. She isn't married. But I wish she wasn't here.

It would have been better if she married. Then she be far away from here, away from the War…

Away from me.

I don't understand why she loves a person that is so numb, that they can't even feel love from those they care about.

I can't forget her.

And I can't forgive myself for causing her pain.