Chapter 3
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Dave Knightley
Subject: I'm not messing their lives up!
Excuse me, I'm helping them. Look how cute those two are together!
And what would you know about relationships?
You're absolutely clueless in that department!
I have knowledge based on the fact that I have experience! You, on the other hand, have never been in a relationship.
Ok, I was just joking! Ha! See, you're reading over my shoulder too!
Someone's a little hypocrite! Yes, you are! That's why you have that twisted demented look on your face, you idiot.
Hmm, actually, come to think about it, you have had experience! ….Wendy, right? Or was it Wanda?
Pretty sure it was Wendy. Anyway, what happened to her?
You guys were an okay couple, even though I didn't match you guys together.
Oh, yeah, this is hardly a hobby. And NOT an obsession, if that's what you were going to say.
Message from Dave Knightley to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: Right, that really made sense.
Why are we emailing when I'm sitting right next to you?
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Dave Knightley
Subject: ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Because we are. Just answer the question, Dave!
I mean it.
Message from Dave Knightley to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: Grow up.
Didn't work out, ok? Yeah, another thing, when are we eating?
I'm starving. When's dinner?
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Dave Knightley
Subject: Uh…you're eating it? And bits of it are dropping onto the keyboard?!
I don't feel like cooking. Dad left a message: he said that he's stuck at the meeting. and I think your parents are as well. So I have to feed you.
So, just find something in the pantry. Oh. You already HAVE!
Hm, well, I never really liked Wendy anyway. To be honest.
Fashion-challenged, no offence. I mean, there's no use having a designer bag (a fake one) when you match it with the wrong stuff. Someone needs to tell her that.
Message from Elizabeth Bennet to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: none
Hm, got a point. The stories are funny. By the way, I know you keep on saying it but I couldn't help thinking about it! What would happen if you got together with Dave?
Haha! Ok, I'm kind of glad I'm 1000 miles from you, because if not…..a permanent hand slap would be on my arm!
Yeah, yeah, whatever! Friends. That's what they all say!!
That's what Jane said when she met Charlie. Ha-ha. But they seem awfully
close together on the couch! Oh look! They're kissing! How friendly!
Dave Knightley is kind of hot.
Even though, I still prefer Will to him. He is such a cutie: P
Hmm….Dave kind of looks like Hayden Christensen. Hawt.
luv Liz
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Elizabeth Bennet
Subject: gross
Yeah, FRIENDS. Charlie? Hmm…do I know him?
Dave, hot? Right. All I'm going to say is yuck.
No wonder I don't like Hayden Christensen.
Actually, yeah, you're right! He does.
Because Hayden's gay. Yeah, I can see the resemblances now!
I'll tell him that! To boost his self-esteem.
Message from Dave Knightley to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: Hayden Christensen? Who the heck's that?
Wendy was pretty ok. Don't be mean. Just because not everyone's
so perfectly matched like Emma Woodhouse!
Why won't you let me read Liz's email? I want to know who else I look like.
Message From Emma Woodhouse to Dave Knightley
Subject: From Star Wars. Plastic blondie?
Yeah, you're right. I should pity them. I'm sorry.
Wendy has my deepest sympathy. And no for the last time, you can't
read the emails! Because we were talking about what's the best way to insert
a tampon. Unless…you need help with that.
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Elizabeth Bennet:
Subject: none
God, I swear he's so annoying! Just because he's in grade 12,
he thinks he's so much smarter and always right.
Btw, did I tell you that Izzie's going out with John.
Yes, my sister, with John Knightley, Dave's twin.
It took Iz ages to convince Dad to let her have a boyfriend and go out.
I was the one who matched them together too! Did you guess? I bet you did.
Ok, I know you're snorting with laughter right now Liz.
Guy's maturity levels always develop slower. Which is why they are so perfect. She's in yr 11, he's in grade 12.
TA-DA! The maturity levels match. Quite smart, if I say so myself.
They are sooo cute together.
I just wish Dave would let me pick someone for him. But, no, he had to go out with this Wendy girl from Highbury State High.
And look how they ended up?
I mean, not many people from Hartfield or Donwell go out with people from Highbury State High.
They think we're snobs. And us? Ok, I'll tell the truth. We think they are just poor and jealous.
Well, anyway, got to go and make a real dinner for me and Dave. Dad's out again.
Izzie's out with John. Again.
Em
Message from: Dave Knightley to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: Oh yeah, I'm just dying to know! Tell me, is Laibra the best brand?
Pity them? No, that's not the point.
Come on, tell me. What were you two going on about?
Oh god, don't tell me you were already bitching about the new girl.
She's not even here yet, and already you've started.
Seriously, she's not competition or anything.
You're still the no. 1 snob at Hartfield. Don't worry.
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Dave Knightley
Subject: You're soooo funny. and witty. and GAY!
no, we weren't bitching about her.
I'm very hurt that you think so lowly of me!
Competition? Uhh…no. You should be the one feeling threatened.
She might just steal your Loser of the Year ( oh, I'm sorry. The Loser of the Century)
tiara. Hold on to it, Davey.
Em
P.s: It's Libra, get it right.
P.PS: Snob? Who me? Right.
Message from Dave Knightley to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: Weekly pantry update……
Yes you.
Been looking through your pantry, and I've concluded that
you need to stock up on Doritos and maybe get rid of the diet snacks.
Since they taste like crap. I can eat five of those diet pies.
I'll come with you to pick the flavour. Go in ten minutes?
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Dave Knightley
Subject: Stock up on Doritos?
So you can eat your entire body weight of Doritos?
Diet snacks? They taste fine to me.
And you don't eat five of the pies in one go, you idiot.
I don't know how you can eat so much junky crap and still keep skinny.
I mean, yeah, you exercise, but I do too.
And no…we can't go in ten minutes.
I'll just get something from the kitchen and make us dinner ok?
God, I can't believe I have to make you, DAVE KNIGHTLEY, dinner.
I don't know what my dad was thinking!
Message from Dave Knightley to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: Why not?!
Because I keep fit. Why do you worry about your weight so much?
It's fine….are you just fishing for compliments, Emma?
By the way, I checked the fridge too. Nothing there. Except some low-fat milk. Yuk.
Ain't having that.
Why can't we go to the mall? Come on, please. I'll even throw in an ice cream…
you know you want one.
P.S. get over it already. You should be glad I'm the only one who's willing eat your bad cooking.
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Dave Knightley
Subject: THE FISHING ROD IS GOING UP YOUR BUTT!
Let me go change. And why don't you just run home to change as well?
You can't wear that jersey! It's….scruffy.
I think my cooking's lovely, thankyou very much.
Message from Dave Knightley to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: Change? Why?
why do you have to change? you look fine!
and I'm not changing.
why bother? the jersey's ok.
Message from Emma Woodhouse to Dave Knightley
Subject: Loser.
Whatever.
But we might see people we know.
And they might see your scruffy jersey.
So I'm changing!
Message from Dave Knightley to Emma Woodhouse
Subject: Yeah yeah just go already
You're too self-conscious.
Just hurry. I wanna come back in time for the 8:30 footie match.
Diary Entry of Emma Woodhouse
It's me again. Today's been an alright day, I guess. Except for the bit about seeing Kevin at Mall.
Gay freak. Emily was hanging onto his arm, like a leech. That dress she was wearing? Was fashionable
in the 80's. But not anymore.
Obviously she's fashion clueless, seeing as she had this seriously weird bag that she said she made herself.
Yeah, I had to talk to them. Well, if I hadn't, it would've looked like I was avoiding them. Or Kevin might
think I'm still not over him! Can't let that retard think that! I mean, I dumped him for a reason?!
I was sitting at Baskin Robin's with Dave, when I saw the pair of hyenas walking our way, the way they were laughing,
was totally off putting. When we were going out, I should've told the poor guy to floss more. Bits and pieces of food
were everywhere! It was feral. So, I grabbed Dave by the arm and went straight over to them.
I don't know who was more shocked, Kevin or Dave. He looked from Dave to me, and Dave was looking at me strangely.
Either way, it was so embarrassing. Especially when Emily said, " Oh my god! Em, is that your boyfriend!?" and started jumping up
and down for no particular reason. She's so weird. But then I decided to play along.
What? I mean, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? Ok, I'm probably confusing you,
so I'll just do a conversation thingy for you.
Kevin: Dave, Emma. Wow, didn't expect you guys to be here.
Me: Dave and I were just getting a few things.
( and I kinda tightened my hold on Dave a teensy bit and smiled at Kevin.)
Kevin had that tight smile, that makes him look like he really needs to pee. It gets better and better. I mean, poor Dave, he
obviously had no idea what was going on. Haha. And I used that to my advantage.
Me: So where you guys off to?
Emily: We're going to the movies! We're watching this reeeally reeeally romantic movie! I'm soooo pysched!
( and then she does that seriously retarded giggle fit.)
Oh wow. But I reeaaly really can't care less, you freak. But I just smiled at her, thinking how I would improve her outfit.
Me: Wow! Awesome. Well, you guys better get going! Wouldn't want to miss any of that really really romantic movie!
Go rot in hell, loser.
Kevin: So…um….what about you guys?
Haha, die, sucker. Die
Me: Well, I've decided to be nice and watch the football with Dave. We're just getting a few things.
Oh my god! You should've seen the way he was looking at me. I mean, when we were going out, I never watched sports with him.
Too boring. Dave just stared at me, confused. I was a bit scared he was going to say something. And I had them believing all along! Ha!
Me: It's nearly 8:30! Going to start soon! So, we'll see you guys later!
Kevin: Yeah. Um….hey mate, tell me who wins tomorrow?
Before Dave could reply.
Me: We'll tell you every detail of it!
I smirked as they walked off, with Emily still swinging onto his arm, like Tarzan on crack.
I must've looked a little bit too happy, so I walked back towards our table, to our melted ice creams. " What was that about?" Dave said, smirking as well, with an all knowing look plastered on his face. And I just replied in an innocent way, " What? Can't I say hi to a friend?"
" Uhh, not when you did this," he shot back, and pretended to cling onto my arm, but in a very exaggerated way.
" Emma, you were trying to make him mad, weren't you?" The smirk was back as he laughed. I ignored him and stood up to leave.
When we got back, he dumped the shopping bags onto the kitchen bench and raced to the TV in the living room, with a handful of Doritos.
I was halfway up the stairs, wanting to go on msn to see if Taylor was back from her date. "What? You're not watching footie with me? So you can explain every detail to Kevin?" Dave asked me innocently and I really wanted to throw the Doritos up his nose.
Of course I had to say yes! I mean, it would be pretty embarrassing to explain the whole thing. So I said I was getting you, to record down things to tell Kevin.
Stupid bumhole. So here am I, sitting next to Dave the Footie Idiot, watching the match. He was yelling at the ref. What is wrong with that guy? The only time he goes crazy and yells is when he's either playing football, watching football, talking about football….practically anything about football.
What a sad boy. And now he's jumping up and down and a Dorito has just LANDED into my lap! For fricking hell's sake! Calm down. I yelled at him. But he was too busy badmouthing the opposition player. Oh wow. That player was pretty hot.
And I told him so, making Dave even more madder. " WHAT! HE'S AN ASSHOLE!" I nearly killed myself laughing, when he tripped and went crashing into the sofa.
It was fun. It's funny how he's not going out with anyone. He's a nice enough guy and actually listens. Don't get the wrong idea, he's like my brother. It would be incest, if I had a crush on him. Yuck. He's ok and quite popular with the girls. But, he's Dave. And then a brilliant idea came to me! I'm going to pair him up next! Ha! Genius!
I'm kind of tired now. School tomorrow. Bum. But I really want to see the new girl! And make it clear that I hold the position of
hottest and most popular girl of Hartfield! Dave's already asleep on the couch, still with the empty bag of Doritos clutched in his hands.
It sounds cute. But it doesn't look cute at all. Our living room was trashed. I whacked him awake with TV guide and made him clean up.
The room seriously stank of cheese. Ew. And that Dorito stain looks like it's going to be permanent on the couch. Well, I'm tired. And Dave's leaving soon. So, I'll have to stop writing and keep you update tomorrow! A new year! And I'll be in grade 10
Luv Em