Chapter 2 – the nature of nonexistence
The door swung shut behind Roxas a little too loudly and he stilled, expecting to hear a whiny child's cries from the other side.
It was still silent. Sighing in relief, Roxas walked away from his room, making quiet, measured steps that wouldn't echo unnecessarily in the empty corridor.
Tiredly running a hand through his blonde locks, he winced and remembered the way that Axel had viciously pulled at them the first time Roxas had tried to get up from his bed thirty minutes ago. In the end, he had had to whack the back of Axel's head with the blunt end of Oblivion to (literally) get the kid out of his hair. He tried not to feel too guilty about it—after all, he had told Axel earlier on that he had to answer the Superior's summons and that Axel might as well take a nap while he was away.
Xemnas might not be too happy to find out that Roxas could have quite possibly caused permanent brain damage in one of his more combat-competent recruits, though.
"Hey, brat," a voice called. He looked up and saw Larxene approaching, a languid smirk on her lips. "Hm? What's this? Your little shadow's missing. Finally got sick of him, huh?"
Roxas glared and stalked past her without a word, bristling as her derisive laughter reverberated through the walls behind him.
The thing that really irked him was that Larxene's taunts weren't entirely off base. Axel always followed him around, never wanting to let Roxas out of his sight even for a few moments. He would be sullenly silent whenever the other members talked to Roxas, but morphed into a hyperactive chatterbox as soon as their colleagues vanished into the portals of darkness they conjured. Roxas knew that Axel was his responsibility and that he had to keep tabs on him until he got back to normal, and he admitted that spending time with him was…fun…but this mission—this cumbersome chore—wasn't what he signed up for. Ever since he joined the Organization, he had always set his sights on getting answers. Knowing the truth about who he was and why the older members kept skirting around the issue that he was different…special. Sometimes, in the past, Axel would humor him and tell him a piece of what he wanted to know in a roundabout and ambiguous fashion that irritated him to no end. Spoon feeding and singing lullabies (not that Roxas would be caught dead singing some stupid nursery rhyme to Axel) wouldn't get him the answers he wanted.
It didn't help that every moment he spent with the kid-Axel added even more questions to the ones he already had. Xemnas told him that Nobodies didn't have emotions, so how come this Axel could cry and laugh, be sulky and temperamental when Roxas attempted to leave him for a second? And how could he explain the fact that he could sometimes feel, as if this Axel was rubbing off on him? None of it made any sense.
The door to the Organization's briefing room came into view, and Roxas halted before it apprehensively, wondering what he had been called here for. Was it possible that Vexen had finally perfected the cure for Axel's condition? He knocked three times and waited. "Enter," a deep, regal voice commanded from the other side, and Roxas stepped into the room.
"You are not quite as punctual as before, Roxas," Xemnas observed as Roxas closed the door behind him.
Roxas bowed slightly in a gesture of apology. "It was hard to get Axel to sleep," he muttered, trying not to think about how his scalp was still smarting until now.
Xemnas' eyes glinted in mild interest. "I trust that he is well? Vexen has set explicit conditions imperative to Number VIII's recovery, one of which is that he must not sustain any injuries upon drinking the remedy. "
Yep, definitely not going to tell Xemnas about sicking Oblivion on Axel's head anytime soon. "He's fine," Roxas answered shortly.
"Some of our colleagues have remarked upon his peculiar behavior," Xemnas continued, his expression amused. "They seem to be under the impression that he has grown attached to you. Although that is hardly surprising, considering how often you were together even before this unfortunate incidence occurred…"
Roxas simply stayed silent, not quite comprehending what he was expected to say in response to a comment like that. He wished that Xemnas would hurry up and tell him why he had to be here so he could go back already and check if Axel hadn't gotten kidnapped—
Check if Axel hadn't burned his room down, he meant. He wasn't feeling any real concern for the kid, really—oh, who was he kidding?
"Much as I would like you to continue this enjoyably domestic way of living," Xemnas continued, eliciting a scowl from Roxas, "Axel's situation has forced our Organization to be two pairs of hands short, and I need not tell you of the repercussions such an inconvenience will inevitably cause. Getting straight to the point—" Roxas sighed in relief, oh good, there had been a point, "—I require you to go to a world that Lexaeus has recently chanced upon. You will scout the area—take note of all inhabitants, both docile and malign—and if it is within your capabilities, dispose of any Heartless you encounter. That is all." He waved his hand in the universal gesture of dismissal.
Roxas blinked in confusion, feeling like he was missing something. "But—sir, what about Axel?"
Xemnas gave him a patronizing look, as if the answer to his question was obvious. "I shall arrange for someone else to attend to him. Naminé, perhaps… Or Larxene, as she has only recently come back from field work—"
"I'll take him to Naminé," Roxas said hurriedly, his mind already conjuring mental images of Larxene laughing shrilly as she used Axel as target practice for her knife-throwing skills. It was not a viable option.
"Very well. Leave Axel in Naminé's care, then immediately proceed to your mission."
Roxas hesitated as Xemnas turned around and gazed out the window, up at the heart-shaped moon that was the fruit of all their efforts. "Sir? If Axel isn't back to normal when I come back—"
Xemnas' reflection in the glass was blocked from Roxas' view, but Roxas could hear the sympathy in the silver-haired man's voice as he responded, "You will resume the task of watching over him."
Roxas bit his lip. He had just told himself that he wanted more missions, so why did he feel so relieved? "Yes, sir."
"Is that all, Number XIII?"
"…yes…"
"Then you are dismissed."
Ten minutes later, Roxas was climbing up a spiraling set of stairs, carrying a half-asleep Axel in his arms. Axel's head rested on Roxas' shoulder, eyelashes fluttering with Roxas' every step up.
It occurred to Roxas that he could have just used a portal straight to the tower where Naminé resided, but as Axel's deep, even breathing ghosted against his ear, pleasant and oddly comforting, he found that he didn't mind the unnecessary exercise.
He didn't expect to see Naminé waiting at the doorway when he came up. "Hello, Roxas," Naminé greeted, glancing first at Roxas and then at the sleeping child in his arms.
"Naminé," Roxas answered, stepping past her into the room that was completely white save for the badly charred corner where kid-Axel had discovered the practical application of matchsticks. Roxas winced as his blue eyes lingered on the scorch marks on the floor.
"Marluxia came here yesterday," Naminé told him. Looking at her made Roxas think of the delicate porcelain dolls he had seen in a shop window of a world he had gone to, once. He wasn't completely assured that she could take care of Axel… "He didn't get mad when he saw the burns, but he said that if I want it back the way it was, Axel has to fix it after he's cured."
"I'll make sure he does that," Roxas assured her dryly, shifting Axel's weight in his arms.
"You can put him down over there," Naminé said, pointing at her bed. She watched as Roxas carefully laid Axel down, his black coat and red hair a stark contrast to the snow-colored sheets around him. Axel rolled onto his side and curled into a ball, murmuring something incoherent before falling back asleep. Roxas perched himself on the edge of the bed and smiled slightly as he brushed a few stray strands of red hair from Axel's face.
The sound of quiet chuckling broke him out of his stupor. "What?" he asked, whipping around to see Naminé demurely covering her mouth with her hand.
Naminé put her hands behind her back and leaned forward, an action that Roxas found uncannily familiar for some reason. "Nothing. It's just that you two look so sweet together." She smiled as Roxas glared, unappreciative of how the word "sweet" was associated with him. "You're like a parent tucking your child into bed."
"I am not," Roxas protested as he stood up, uncomfortably aware of the heat rising in his cheeks. "Look, just—just keep an eye on him. If he's hungry, get him something that he likes to eat, but don't give him anything that he can choke on. And if he's bored, play with him and go along with whatever he wants to do as long as it doesn't involve setting something on fire. Sometimes he throws a fit for no reason; if he does that, then you should—"
"I'll handle it, Roxas," Naminé interrupted gently. When Roxas simply looked dubious, Naminé laid a hand on his arm. "It'll be fine."
Roxas glanced at Axel's sleeping form before his eyes met Naminé's. "Okay," he said, more as an assurance to himself than to her, "okay." He mechanically conjured a portal, and he was already halfway into it when he stopped short. "If he looks for me—"
"I'll tell him you went out and that you'll give him a surprise if he stays well-behaved before you come back," Naminé answers evenly. "Don't worry, Roxas. Bye, and take care. Axel's going to be right here when you get back."
"I'm not worried. I'm not capable of worrying," Roxas pointed out defensively. He wasn't able to get another word in edgewise as the black mist swallowing him whole.
Naminé watched as the wisps of black smoke gradually faded. "Of course you aren't," she said sadly to the spot where Roxas had been.
Behind her, Axel started to stir. The child groggily sat up, turning his head slowly around the room until his eyes fell upon the waifish girl gazing intently at him. "Where's Roxes?" he asked.
Naminé took a deep breath and smiled. The truth was, Axel never threw a fit without a reason, contrary to what Roxas believed. And she knew why.
Roxas was Axel's security blanket. Without Roxas, Axel was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. It baffled Naminé. This Axel's capability of expressing false emotion was probably the most advanced she had ever encountered, and it was theoretically impossible because he had no memories whatsoever to assimilate them from. She should know—she was the one who had to look for the nonexistent recollections when Xigbar brought Axel to her six days ago.
Whatever behavioral peculiarities Axel was exhibiting, it was all due to Roxas.
"Where's Roxes?" Axel repeated, his huge green eyes narrowing into slits.
Naminé stared thoughtfully at Axel, and for a moment she wondered what envy felt like, because that was what she thought she would be feeling at that moment, if she had a heart. She went over to Axel and clasped his small hands in hers. She might not have any memories of her own, but she knew just as well as Axel that Roxas was an exception to the norm. "He went out to get a surprise for you," she responded softly, not missing how Axel's posture slackened at her words.
Naminé didn't have memories, but she knew what loneliness looked like, having lived it for as long as she had existed. She drew Axel into a hug and stroked his hair comfortingly. "He'll be back before you know it."
People with hearts were markedly different from Nobodies, Roxas thought, as he got a bird's eye view of the children playing in front of Twilight Town's train station. He was watching them from his and Axel's usual spot on the clock tower, and for a moment he wished he had brought Axel with him after his mission ended. The view wasn't quite the same without him making smart comments on why the days were shorter during winter or why the sun was red at dusk.
Axel knew pretty much everything about anything that had to do with fire. Yesterday, it was Roxas who had to explain to Axel the very same thing that the redhead had told Roxas a week before, which was how red light traveled farther than any other color in the spectrum, and thus the reason why the sun stained the sky red at twilight.
Roxas didn't know what children with hearts liked to talk about. He leaned forward and tried to look closer at the people milling about below, straining his ears for snatches of conversation.
The children's chattering was indecipherable, but there was one small girl to the side who was clinging to a man wearing a business suit, and her bawling was loud enough for even Roxas to hear.
"Don't go, Papa!" she screamed, beating at his leg with her tiny fists.
"Shh, it's okay, Papa will be back in two days," the man was saying. "Papa will bring back a present for you! Wouldn't you like that?"
"P-promise?" the little girl sniffed, loosening her hold on his pant leg.
The man smiled fondly at his daughter. "Promise."
"O-okay…" the child said reluctantly, stepping back. "But I don't need a present, Papa. I just want you to come back like you said you would."
The man laughed. "Silly girl, of course I'll come back! Your Papa can't live long without his precious little Annika, can he?"
Roxas tuned out the rest of their words, simply observing how the child's face went from distressed to hopeful to happy in a matter of seconds. How could something so trivial elicit so many emotions from her? Was it because she had a heart?
He remembered watching a similar scene with Axel before.
Axel laughed, the kind of laugh that made Roxas feel like an idiot who didn't know anything at all. Roxas rolled his eyes as he contemplated throwing the remains of his sea-salt ice cream at the redhead.
"Those people aren't like us, Roxas," Axel finally said after he had calmed down. "See, part of having a heart means cherishing something to the point that parting with it becomes hard for them."
Roxas frowned. "I don't get it. So what if his mother has to go away for a week? She's going to be back after that anyway."
Axel shook his head. "He'll miss her when she's not there."
"Why would he?"
Axel shrugged. "I don't know. Because he loves her?"
Roxas said nothing for a long while. "Do you remember what that feels like?" he finally asked, absently turning over the popsicle stick in his hands.
Axel let out a snort. "No," he said dismissively. "It's not like I need to."
Roxas contemplated that statement, like he always did whenever the subject of emotions, or lack thereof, came up. He was always the one who asked the questions, and it was always Axel who gave the answers. And then Roxas would dissect everything that Axel said, thinking that if he did it long enough, even a single shred of comprehension would dawn on him.
It never did, though.
Axel smirked as he tossed his popsicle stick into the air and let it fall down into the depths below them. "So, Roxas, would you miss me if I had to go on a long mission in a distant world?"
It was Roxas' turn to snort. "Why would I?"
"Gee, Roxas, you really know how to put a guy down," Axel laughed, and this time Roxas laughed with him.
Roxas realized that he had spaced out, staring at the sunset. Glancing back down, he saw that the man was no longer there and that his daughter was smiling sadly in the direction of the glass doors, rubbing furiously at her eyes. An image of a crying child-Axel flashed unbidden into his mind.
He sighed and stood up. It was about time that he headed back.
"Roxes, where'd you go?"
"Somewhere."
"Tha's a weird name for a place. Didja play there? Why didn' you let me come with you?"
"I didn't play, Axel. It was work."
"Oh. Wha's your job?"
"…collecting hearts."
"Why?"
"Because I need to."
"Why?"
"Because the Superior says so."
"Why?"
"Because if we get enough hearts we'll have our own back someday."
"Why?"
"Because we don't have hearts."
"Why?"
"Because we didn't have them when we were made."
"Why?"
"Because most of us only have memories. And they're not even ours. And we can't feel."
"We can't?"
"No, we can't."
"Why?"
"…Axel, shut up and go to sleep."
"Why?"
"Just sleep."
"But I'm not sleepy!"
"I didn't say you were."
"So why—?"
"Sleep."
"..."
"I'm not a Nobody."
"…Axel…"
"I'm not! 'Cause I can feel stuff. Sometimes I think there's somethin' wrong in my chest, like it's cold and there's nothing there."
"…that's exactly what not feeling is like."
"Nuh uh! Tha's just what I feel when I'm with the mean old guy. And those other guys, with the funny hair. Your hair's funny too, Roxes, but you're not like them."
"If you say so."
"I do! I feel lotsa stuff when I'm with you. Not nothin'. I dun like not feeling anythin'. 'Cause it's just cold and dark and gross. But you're like…like…that big glowy red thing you showed me when we wuz eating ice cream! All warm and lightey and stuff. I dun feel like it's dark and scary when you're here."
"Mm."
"Uh huh. But when you wuz collecting hearts and I wuz with that girl who could draw real good, it felt all cold again. I really dun like that. You're not gonna go away again, are you, Roxes?"
"Maybe."
"Dun go! Dun you like me anymore? 'Cause I like you, Roxes. You're cool."
"…I like you too, Axel."
"Great! So you're never gonna leave me again, right?"
"…I don't know."
"Dun say you dunno! Promise!"
"Promises are for people with hearts."
"Whut? Didja say something? Speak louder!"
"I promise, Axel."
"Yay!!"
"What the—Axel, get off."
"Dun wanna."
"G'night Roxes!"
"…'night, Axel."
tbc
School is hectic right now, so I'm not quite sure when the next chapter will be up. Until then, any feedback on the story will be graciously welcomed. :)