Chapter Two: Professors are green aliens from Venus!

"I am NOT fat, Rolanda!" fumed a very irritated Severus Snape, gritting his teeth and tearing a napkin to pieces under the table to keep from wringing the grey haired witch's neck.

"Wanna bet?" Grinned an amused Rolanda Hooch from her spot at the table in the Great Hall, which just happened to be right next to Severus.

It was breakfast time at Hogwarts, and true to form, the fireworks were only beginning, unknown to the students of course. The professors did their best to hide their arguments, jokes, conversations, or what-have-you from the learning wizards and witches. God forbid they find out their teachers are human. Young Colin Creevy had come up with the best theory yet, suppose the professors are actually green aliens with big heads from Venus! Unfortunately, Creevy had this epiphany during just the wrong lesson.

Professor Snape had failed to find the humor in the boy's idea.

Severus merely stared directly ahead. If only certain curses weren't illegal…

Rolanda continued to grin at the potions master. "How much do you weight anyway?"

Severus stood up swiftly and towered over the witch, "Damn it, Rolanda! I've had enough of the fat jokes! I AM NOT FAT!"

He threw was remained of his napkin into her face, and then exited the Great Hall, scooping up what little dignity he had left.

Rolanda merely stared after Snape. "Excitable fella, ain't he?" She said, turning to the person sitting on her right, Professor Sprout, while picking the scraps of Severus' napkin out of her short hair.

"You're just going to pester him to death one of these days, Ro'!" said Pomona Sprout, her upper lip twitching into an amused smile as she said it.

"To death? Nah… Perhaps an inch from it… But not all the way! You know I hate funerals."

"Uh huh…" Pomona said, suddenly finding her food much more important then the ongoing Hooch Vs. Snape feud.

Rolling her eyes at her friend, the flying instructor also returned to her food, noting that almost no food had been left behind on the plate to her left.

Severus was already at the dungeons, and his office. After blasting through the door hard enough to nearly knock it from it's hinges, then slamming it shut again with a BANG worthy of Peeves, Severus pounded his fist on the desk.

What is it with that woman! Why must she constantly keep bothering me about being fat, of all things?

After all, Severus wasn't fat!... Or… was he? He looked down and poked his stomach. Nah… he must be imagining it. That witch is messing with your head, Sev!

He paced the floor in front of his desk. There had to be a way to get her to shut up! There just HAD to be! Frowning deeply, he slumped into his chair and looked around. The room was empty. And why shouldn't it be? He'd be very surprised to find anyone skipping breakfast on a Tuesday. Mondays are horrid. But a Tuesday are like a hangover from a Monday.

Severus opened a drawer near the bottom of his desk, and after sifting through a bunch of old textbooks, layers of spare parchment, and a couple empty boxes of chocolate frogs, Severus came back up victorious. He laid a small black book on his desk, grabbed his quill, turned to a blank page, and started writing.

Tuesday, November 15, 8:23 A.M

Dear diary,

Today is going to be a bad day… And not even frying Longbottom's toad that I found last week is going to make me feel better…

Severus scribbled away on the empty pages for a while, though most of his time was spent on a rather ingenious diagram outlining how to kill Potter and make it look like Quidditch accident.

After loosing track of time, Severus barely had time to hide his diary back in his drawer before classes started. 5th year Gryffindor/ Slytherin class. This would be a loooong day…..

Hours later, Snape was bushed. Two double potions classes in one day? Dumbledore really didn't pay him enough to do this job…

Severus glanced up at the clock. Almost dinner time! With his feet moving faster then he ever figured they could without sprinting, he took off down the corridors heading for the Great Hall.

Taking his usual place at the staff table, he readied himself for the food. Thank God for the food! If there was one thing that would coax Snape from the confines of his dungeons, you could bet it was food.

And oh, the house elves had really outdone themselves tonight! Just as Severus was about to dig into a turkey leg, an all too familiar voice chimed in beside him.

"Are the first years still using your stomach as a trampoline?" Asked Rolanda jokingly without even looking at him.

Severus shot her a dirty look before biting into his food.

Rolanda watched him with interest from the corner of her eye.

When dinner was about half over, and Severus had successfully put away four turkey legs, five goblets worth of his choice drink, and who-knows how much else, Rolanda finally spoke to him again.

She looked at his plate, watched his goblet refill itself again, and the still eating Severus for a moment she turned foreword.

"Damn it, Severus!" she half-said, half-yelled to that all the staff and most of the students could hear. "I swear, that Man is gonna eat the world someday…I can see it now… EXTRA! EXTRA! Fat Man Eats World! Dips Universe In Chocolate Sauce! Garfield At Battle With Severus Snape! Who Is The Fattest? Fat Man Sits On People's Chairs and Crushes Them! Not That We Actually Care! Garfield and Snape Fight With 100 ft. Long Pizzas! Snape Eats Garfield! Fat Man Explodes!"

Silence consumed the Great Hall. Everyone had heard what she said. Suddenly, the silence was shattered by uproarious laughter, headed by the Gryffindor table. Students pounded their fists on the tables, others gripped the tables to keep from falling over. Gryffindor defiantly had a new favorite teacher.

Enraged, Severus leapt to his feet. A million explicit words fought to be the first one to pass his lips as he stared daggers into Rolanda's smiling eyes.

"Now, now, Severus. Please sit down. It was only an innocent joke." Said the Headmaster who sat next to Severus, a warning in his eyes that made it clear this was not a moment to loose one's self in anger.

Fury twisting his expressions, Severus sat down in his seat. His job could be at stake if he lost his head. What made him angrier was the fact that Rolanda knew that, and she was enjoying it endlessly.

After a few minutes, the laughter from the house tables died down, and the evening continued as normal as one could possibly be after such a spectacle.

But alas, my friends, Severus' plight is not over quite yet. Because a certain uninvited dinner guest decided to show up. Who? Peeves.

He came in like a blur, whizzing around the staff and house tables before stopping in midair in the center of the room far above them all. In his translucent hands he held a most peculiar object. Perhaps not peculiar to the muggleborn students, but some others looked at it with some confusion.

Peeves had an electric guitar.

He held it over his head, then looked toward the staff table.

"I would like to dedicate this song to our dear Professor Snape!" he said with a ring in his voice. Then he turned the guitar on high and struck a LOUD and LONG chord.

It felt like an earthquake! Students clung to their tables for dear life, some holding their hands over their ears.

Professor Trelawney screamed and looked toward the celing, "THE SKY IS FALLING!" she screeched before quite nimbly leaping over the staff table and running down the center of the Great Hall, hands waving in the air and glasses perched precariously on the top her head.

When Peeves' "musical" number finally ended, he glided out into the corridors, leaving all of the half-deaf people behind him.

Yet, all through the chaos, even Trelawney's insane-ness, Severus hadn't moved. He had just stared at the poltergeist. Unmoving. Unchanging. Totally unreadable.

As Rolanda took her hands off her ears she glanced at Severus. Snickering, she elbowed Pomona.

"He's too fat to vibrate!"

Severus turned on Hooch with such a look that even she was surprised by it. Meanwhile, Pomona tried to laugh while drinking her pumpkin juice, and failed miserably. She came out sputtering, coughing, and laughing at the same time.

"You know," Said Professor Flitwick, ever the optimist, "That makes quite an interesting sound when you laugh and choke at the same time!"

Rolanda slapped her knee and laughed loudly at the short professor.

After recovering sufficiently she tried to pull off a smarty-pants face coined by Professor McGonagall. "She's not laughing." Rolanda informed the people around her, "She's trying to communicate with Severus' stomach!"

Half of the staff table erupted in a fit of suppressed giggles as Severus turned to Rolanda, his fury renewed. "I'm telling you right now, if you tell one more fat joke I'll…I'll…I'll confiscate your broomstick!"

"Nooo!" Wailed Rolanda, "He'll probably eat it!"

Professor McGonagall snorted loudly from the other side of the Headmaster before she looked down and bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing out loud.

Severus stood up for the second time that night. "THAT'S IT! I can't take this any more!" he yelled, reaching for his wand.

"Ohh really?" Shot Rolanda, "So you think I want to take any more of your crap either!"

Both professor stood, now armed, staring into each other's eyes for about two milliseconds, just as one was about to try to hex the other, another voice entered the 'conversation'.

"Expelliarmus!"

The would-be combatants suddenly found themselves without their wands and with their job very much in danger. Standing between the two was Dumbledore, holding their wands in his hand. The usual twinkle in held in the corner of his eyes had disappeared completely.

"Now, I don't know what has gotten into you two lately, but I trust it will not linger. Professor Snape, when I return your wand to you, you will go back to your office where you will stay until I come in for a meeting. As for you, Madame Hooch, when your wand is in your possession you will… take a little walk with me. This feud you two have been brooding over had carried on for far too long!"

Severus snatched his wand from the headmaster and practically stomped back to the dungeons. His fists were shaking with rage. He had been sent to his office, like a child to his room. He actually let that older-then-dirt coot, boss him around!

This night was to become legendary in Hogwarts, of this he was certain, and he'd be a dead man before he let Rolanda get the better of him again.

For the second time that day, Severus slumped down into his chair, defeated. And again he rummaged through his drawer for that familiar black book.

Tuesday November 15, 8:57 P.M

Dear Diary,

Today has been a very bad day indeed. I need a serious vacation. To the Bahamas. Or perhaps Jamaica. Maybe Antarctica…

Ohh the woes of a Hogwarts professor. Do you think wizards go on carb. diets?

((Author's Note: What do you think? Should I continue? Huh huh? Review if you think I should! I'll probably do Trelawney next!))