The Lost Bet.
Attention! XD Now, I just wanted to say that Kyouya's thoughts are between brackets and italic And Kaoru's thoughts are just italic, so don't mix them up! XD
Chapter Two: Day Two and a Wish.
About turbulent mornings, the devil in the Ootori estate, the beginning of something they both call trust and a wish made underneath the stars.
Kaoru was the devil.
Kaoru was the devil himself. Not only was he mischievous, he was just plainly and fairly evil. Especially when he slept. Kyouya thought he was prepared for everything, thought he knew all the evil pranks the twin could think of.
Had he been wrong!
It started with just a little innocent tossing and turning. At that point he actually believed he'd get some sleep. Only the thought of having such hopes made him feel like such an idiot he might be able to compare it with Tamaki's stupidity-level. And that was painful. So very painful.
But then, the touches came. He shivered by only thinking about it again. He had no idea what was going on in Kaoru's mind when he was asleep, and he honestly didn't wish to know either. But in any case, Kaoru started to touch him. His arms, his legs, his chest, his neck, his back, his… everything was touched by that little devil. Everything twisted and screamed inside as he thought back of it. No, it was better not to think about it. Ever again.
But even such a torture seemingly wasn't enough, there also were sounds. Moans and groans and sighs and whispers. Kyouya felt like everything inside him was twisting and squirming. This was definitely the hardest test his self-control had ever undergone. Instead of being able to sleep, he had to concentrate completely to not give into these thoughts that he couldn't get out of his head.
Torture.
That was the right word.
How was he going to survive that any longer?
His fingers burned to return Kaoru's touches, everything screamed to just forget to think and give the boy what he so obviously wanted. In his sleep. But that didn't matter. Kyouya didn't dare to close his eyes, afraid the thoughts in his head would only make it worse. An irritating, beeping sound went off and Kaoru stretched his arms. He slowly got up, and Kyouya could feel his eyes burning on his head, but he pretended, pretended to sleep. Kaoru crawled over him and again Kyouya wondered how cruel the world could be in only several hours. Silently, Kaoru's feet touched the ground and Kyouya watched how he left, his eyes barely open.
Peace. Finally. Knowing it would be barely an hour before someone came to wake him, he closed his eyes, hoping he could sleep at least a little. But from the second he closed his eyes, he could feel Kaoru's touches again and he knew all his hope of sleeping was in complete vain.
This was such a mess.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kaoru smirked in accomplishment. This game was even more fun then he thought it would be. Even when Kyouya hadn't reacted much, he had felt how his body stiffened completely from the moment he touched him, even when he relaxed a moment later. It was probably the most of reaction he'd ever get, but it was so much more then he could've wished for. This was a game he couldn't lose, for Kyouya could never admitthat he felt something, something at all when the boy touched him.
He got up a little earlier then they told him to, to make his skirt ready by shortening. He already found the places to pick up what he needed. Luckily he knew a little about sewing and such, since he watched a lot how his mother's clothes were made, while Hikaru was playing a game next to him.
Hikaru.
Kaoru's eyes saddened immediately. He missed him so much. Only thinking about him made it seem like he hadn't seen him for ages. Resisting the urge to call him, because there was no way he'd be up at six o'clock, he took his 'uniform' and started sewing. All the time he tried not to think of Hikaru anymore, because it hurt. Being without Hikaru sure hurt. He wasn't used to it at all, but now he had the change, he should get used to it. There was no way Hikaru would stay with him forever. He didn't want Hikaru to stay with him for ever. He wanted Hikaru to smile with other people, to be happy and have a lot of friends, to go out and… be normal. As far as they could ever be normal.
And sure, he'd be afraid at first, they'd both be, but the fear would fade and all that would remain would be the happiness. Humans weren't meant to be alone, neither were they meant to stay with the same person for ever. Kaoru didn't want to hold Hikaru back from growing up, didn't want to lock him up in their sad and lonely world. Their world had never been perfect with the two of them, even though they wouldn't want to admit that. Kaoru knew Hikaru would be happier if he had more friends. So Kaoru would let him.
Letting Hikaru grow up and growing up himself didn't necessarily mean they would grow apart anyway. He could laugh at himself now for thinking that, because only the thought of that made him so afraid he forgot to breathe. They could be together and still know other people. It didn't make sense and at the same time it all seemed so very logical. They always contradicted themselves, but that was okay. Kaoru would do everything in his might to make Hikaru happy in the future.
Even letting him go slowly.
It hurt, a little, and he was scared, but he knew he'd be alright. They'd always be alright, because if it didn't work out after all, then they'd just cut themselves off and then they'd still have each other. Hikaru would always have Kaoru. And Kaoru knew he would always have Hikaru. He wouldn't know how to survive without him, so he'd never let him go, but he could loosen up the ties a bit and expand the range of their world. He could expand their world, instead of kicking one of them outside.
In the end, everything would be alright. Kaoru would be alright. Kaoru wouldn't give up. No matter what happened, Kaoru would never give up.
A smile played upon his face as he watched the result of the skirt. The thought of the look on Kyouya's face as he saw him in the skirt, made his cheeks heat up, but made him grin in accomplishment too. So he ignored the first, telling himself it was nothing to worry about and focused on the latter. Quickly he put everything on, but stared at the cat ears for a few moments.
He really is a pervert.
With a swift movement he placed the ears on his head, turned around and walked out of the door, forgetting to put the black socks on. He walked towards the kitchen, where everyone was already working hard. Luckily for everyone he was a morning person, unlike Hikaru actually, but no one had to know that. With a lively spirit and a fresh smile on his face, he walked inside, unnoticed by all the people running around to make sure everything would be ready in time. He looked around, actually hoping he'd find Manako or someone else whose name he remembered.
"Ah, Kaoru?"
He turned around, to face someone he knew he passed the other day, but forgot the name. Therefore he just smiled politely, a little shy, because girls are always shy, and fell back into his 'girl voice' when he said: "yes?"
He wondered for a second how everyone always seemed to recognize him. Oh, yeah, that's right. He was the only maid who walked around with cat ears. And he had the shortest uniform too. In so many ways, he immediately wasn't surprised anymore that everyone seemed to know him. He felt the embarrassment coming back and so did the urge to make Kyouya suffer again.
"What are you doing here?" the question came.
"I was hoping I could help," he smiled happily.
He looked at the boy standing before him, hoping a name would pop in his head. Unfortunately, it didn't and Kaoru could only hope it would soon. He got a job appointed and hoping he wasn't messing things up too much, Kaoru devoted himself into making sure everything stood on the right place on the table. As he tried to remind how the tableware always looked like in his home, he heard someone letting out a desperate sigh.
"No! I'm not going to do it!" a girl said as she staggered back, searching for something to hold onto.
Kaoru looked up as he watched how everyone stared at the ready dinner plate, trembling in pure horror. He laughed a little, not knowing what was going on, but finding it amusing to watch everyone get all worked up because of it. What could be so bad? He turned around and smiled to a girl, who looked at his cat ears, but the strange look was quickly replaced by fear again. He stood now next to her, still watching the scene.
"But if you don't Kyouya-sama will be late on his meeting," someone said back.
The girl's knees shook heavily, as her face lost all its colour.
"B-But…" she protested weakly. "I'm really not… I can't… He'll…"
"What's the problem?" Kaoru asked nonchalantly, a little curious what the cause of all the horror was.
All eyes were immediately directed at him and he felt like Tamaki must've felt so many times when he did something stupid. But he didn't realise it and Kaoru did. So it was different. He smiled nervously.
"Don't you know…" the girl's voice was merely a whisper, as if she was even afraid of talking about it, when she said: "how Kyouya-sama is when he wakes up."
Kaoru laughed.
"Yeah, he's pretty scary, isn't he?" he smiled happy. "So you're fighting over who's going to bring him his food?"
Everyone nodded. Kaoru laughed louder, everyone looking at him like he was the newest animal in the zoo. He couldn't help it, it was just so funny to see everyone in pure horror, deathly afraid, just to bring Kyouya his breakfast. He always thought Kyouya was scary, so he didn't even want to think how he acted when he just woke up. Tamaki's trembling when the topic was brought up didn't make it any better either. But on the other hand, that stupid King was afraid of a lot weird things.
Kaoru looked up, heroically placing his hands on his hips, daringly facing everyone's shocked eye. Everyone held their breath. He nearly started laughing again, but he suppressed it.
"Okay! I'll do it!" he said resolute.
Everyone breathed again and began to cheer as Kaoru bowed a little, a grin plastered on his face. Everyone was weird here, for sure.
If only Hikaru would've been here now. I'm sure he would've laughed a lot.
"Good luck!"
Thank you.
"Yeah, we'll cheer for you!"
Don't be weird.
"Kaoru, if you don't come back, we loved you!"
… It's not going to end like that.
"You're awesome, girl"
Fuck. You.
He neatly placed it on a dinner-tray, as someone handed him over a cup of coffee. Kaoru looked up and saw how everyone was staring at him, their faces like it was the last time they were going to see him. He smirked a little. Maids sure were weird. It wasn't such a big deal right, Kyouya was awake anyway, he saw that when he walked outside. Of course he couldn't tell that. But what was so horrible going inside and giving him his breakfast?
Of course he was well aware that Kyouya was everything except a morning person, but still, he couldn't hurt him. He smirked confident. No, Kyouya couldn't hurt him, because after all he was a very important piece of the Host Club. Without him, there was no way Hikaru could do his act and, since the Brotherly Love act was still a very popular one, Kyouya wouldn't hurt him. And besides, even when that was not the case, he didn't think Kyouya would just hurt someone, even when his mood was scary when he woke up. His grin widened, for he was sure Kyouya didn't sleep at all. Well, maybe if he was too scary he had to stop keeping him awake. But that would be less fun. A lot less.
He politely knocked on the door, the dinner-tray balancing on his other hand.
"Kyouya-sama?" he asked.
There was no answer. Looking down at the dinner-tray in his hands, then wondering how he was supposed to open the door with his hands so occupied, he looked back at the door. Staring at the wooden door for a few moments, he repeated Kyouya's name a few times, not sure it was safe to go inside without his permission. After a minute, without a reply or just the slightest sound, he decided it was enough and he carefully placed the dinner-tray on the palm of his hand, balancing in the air. With a quick, swift movement he pulled the door open with his other hand, kicked it open a little more and brought his hand back to the dinner-tray. The cup filled with hot coffee moved dangerously and the brown liquid threatened to spill over, but at Kaoru's silent pray it stayed neatly in the cup. He sighed relieved. Okay, he was in.
He looked up, watching Kyouya sleeping in his bed. He carefully placed the dinner-tray on his desk, a little afraid that Kyouya would do something abrupt and knock everything over, spilling on his clothes, and he didn't want that to happen. He smiled a little, as he watched how peaceful Kyouya laid there, his face half hidden in his pillow, his hair messy around his face, framing his sad smile with a black frame. His eyes were closed and a little, sorrowful smile played upon his lips.
Kaoru forgot what he was doing there and just lowered, until he sat on his knees. He watched Kyouya sleep and heard a little sigh rolling over his lips. He smiled, but made no sound. He couldn't help but think that he didn't seem that scary and tough at all anymore. He just looked a little lonely, vulnerable almost and cute. He smiled a little more. He didn't even scold himself anymore for thinking Kyouya was cute. He just was. And there was nothing more to it. People always look different when they sleep, Hikaru once said, and he believed that people looked like their true self when they slept.
Because then you couldn't put on a mask anymore, you couldn't pretend and you couldn't hide yourself behind sharp humour or hurtful comments. All the layers fell away. Kaoru had laughed and asked how he looked when he slept then, and Hikaru had just smiled, kissed him on his forehead and said that he probably looked exact the same as he did when he slept. Kaoru hoped that was true. Kaoru really hoped that when there was nothing to hide, he was the same as Hikaru. Because Hikaru was a wonderful person, no matter what others might think.
But Kyouya looked so sad, Kaoru suddenly noticed, now he looked closer. His hair hide most of his face, and his hands were wrapped around the pillow as if it was the only thing he could hold onto. The smile on his face a sad, sorrowful one. Kyouya looked lonely and sad.
Kaoru didn't want him to be that when he was his true self. More then anything, he wanted that smile to be happy and peaceful.
He noticed his hand was flying in the air, hesitating to shake the Shadow King, or to be placed back on its rightful place, on the side of Kaoru's body. He just reached a little further, stroking a little hair out of Kyouya's face. Kyouya's eyes shut close a little more at the touch, but other then that there was no reaction. Kaoru didn't know what it was, but he almost felt like he was watching something he shouldn't, like he was looking into a book that was closed for everyone, like he was intruding someplace he should stay out. Maybe it was just because he wasn't used to seeing Kyouya sleeping, but always looking at everything, energetic, with a source of inexhaustible patience and concentration. Kyouya felt warm and his hair was soft and it was almost painful to return his hand. He leaned a little closer, only inches away from Kyouya's face. He could feel warm breath on his lips and he blushed a little.
"Kyouya-sama?" he asked again. "Kyouya-sama, it's time to wake up."
A grunt was all he got and Kyouya turned away, leaving Kaoru a little disappointed now he couldn't look at that smile anymore. He stood up, tired of being friendly.
"Oh, come on, just wake up for heaven's sake!" he said, a little louder, a little annoyed.
Kyouya hid his face under his pillow and Kaoru laughed at his childish behaviour. The grab on the pillow was tightened and Kyouya continued ignoring Kaoru's presence completely. He didn't know how lucky he was to be still alive, but Kaoru sighed annoyed.
"Okay then…" he said and practically jumped on the bed.
With all the power and energy he had, he placed his hand on Kyouya's body and shook him. When even that didn't help, Kaoru placed himself on top of the sleeping boy, and started to shake him again. Kyouya was awake already, but refused to get up, closing his eyes and tuning the desperately trying boy out. Annoyed beyond words Kaoru cried out in pure exasperation.
"Kyouya! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" he yelled, his arms beating rhythmic on his chest.
Even though he had the hardest time not killing the younger Hitachiin twin, - too much effort – Kyouya smirked a little at his childish despair. After a few more minutes of futile beating and shaking and yelling, Kaoru backed down, staring at him for a few moments. He had to wake him up. There must be a way to wake him.
An idea popped in his head. He flung his leg of the bed, almost rolled of it and stood up, with a small jump and a resolute attitude.
"Okay! That's it! Now I'm going to wake you like I wake Hikaru when he's annoying me!" he yelled and ran off to the bathroom.
Shrugging it off and attempting to sleep further, Kyouya closed his eyes once more, unaware of Kaoru's search in the bathroom.
Kaoru quickly grabbed a glass and filled it with water. He smirked, forgetting for a few moments in what kind of dangerous situation he was. He looked at the glass, filled with water, then at the sleeping person. If Kaoru would've been anyone else then he was, he wouldn't ever even think about it. If Kaoru was a sane, normal boy, the thought would never cross his mind. But Kaoru was a part of the devilish Hitachiin twins and seeking danger was his natural instinct. So his grip on the glass tightened a little and he walked back.
A grin crossed his face.
"One last change, Kyouya!" he said dangerously.
Kyouya didn't move at all, as he tried to suppress the murderous thoughts in his mind.
(No, Kyouya, don't kill him.)
(No, Kyouya, it's too much effort.)
(Murder is still illegal.)
Kaoru laughed evil as he got no reaction at all. Unaware of how pissed off the silent Shadow King was already, he approached the bed. The water in the glass danced dangerously, but not a single drip spilled. He stretched his arm, holding the glass above Kyouya's head. He chuckled, and his smirk widened even more.
"You asked for it," he stated.
Slowly, but not hesitating in the least, Kaoru started to turn the glass over, maybe hoping a little he'd be stopped before the water fell on the sleeping man's face.
But no one stopped him.
Splash.
A laugh started, but had no chance to finish.
Crash.
Eyes widened, the glass shattered against the wall.
(Never mind laws. I'll kill him. I'll definitely kill him.)
Kaoru's eyes were wide open. He was pinned against the floor, Kyouya on top of him, little drops from his soaked hair falling on Kaoru's face. Kyouya had firmly grasped his clothes, sitting across his chest. Kaoru couldn't tell whether he was annoyed, furious, or just in some sleep trance.
But Kaoru was scared. A little. He gulped, opening his mouth.
Kyouya slowly shook his head, as to try to remember what happened. That's right, he remembered now. From the moment Kaoru smashed that water in his face, he snatched the glass out of his hands, threw it against the wall where it shattered in thousand pieces. He had pushed Kaoru on the floor then, his wrist in a painful grip, then released it and grabbed his clothes, pulling the boy upward a little.
"Just what did you think you were doing?!" he said, his voice dangerously in control.
"I… I…" Kaoru tried to reason, tried to explain, but he apparently lost his ability to make complete sentences.
Kyouya looked down a little, only now fully realising what he did. Kaoru's skirt was completely shoved up, revealing his green underwear and naked legs. Kyouya's face heated up way too fast and he turned his head away, suddenly painfully aware how… suggestive the position was.
(It would work better if Kaoru wasn't wearing clothes at all anymore.)
"Are you okay?" Kaoru asked, and Kyouya couldn't help but look up.
Kaoru's eyes were only half closed, his chest going up and down a little faster then should be. Kyouya quickly got of him, staring at the ground for a few seconds.
"You're an idiot, Kaoru," he said as he slowly got up. "Don't ever do that again."
Kaoru slowly pushed himself up, looking at Kyouya's back. He felt like the biggest idiot in the whole world. How could one person screw things up so much in the morning?! Kyouya had been awake - for what? - two minutes, and even in that short time Kaoru had the time to prove he was an idiot. He even made him say it! He watched how Kyouya looked at the dinner-tray on the desk.
"I'm not hungry," he simply stated. "I'm going to shower now. Please make sure the room is clean when I get back."
"S-Sure…" Kaoru got up, tugging at his skirt to get it in the right place again.
Kyouya walked away without a further word. Kaoru sighed as he started picking the pieces off glass up again. Just how stupid was he? Just how was he able to screw everything up like that? He only… he only wanted Kyouya to wake up. He just didn't want him to be late on the meeting he heard there was. His eyes widened and he looked up at the clock. Oh damn, it was already late. He got up.
"Kyouya-sama!" He almost yelled.
"What?" came the annoyed voice, to say at least.
"Uhm… well… you know you've got a meeting in about one hour, right?" Kaoru said, not sure whether he was saying something useless again.
"I was aware of that," the answer came.
Kaoru sighed. Why was he so useless? He returned to the place where the glass laid, sunk to his knees and stared for a few moments at the pieces. Feeling some kind of weird guilty, and stupid, he started to pick them up again. Hikaru was probably the only person in the world who'd laugh with something like that. Hikaru was probably the only person who'd just walk to the bathroom, fill a glass with water too and smash it in his face. Hikaru must be the only one in the world who wouldn't think he was stupid when he did something like that.
Except for Hikaru, everyone must think he was a really stupid person.
He stared at his hand as a piece of glass cut into his hand, red blood dripping slowly on it. He sighed, as he picked it out again. With a sudden anger he stood up, turning around, ready to race downstairs, as he bumped into Kyouya. He blinked a few times, taking a staggering step back.
"You sure shower fast," he said, forcing a smile.
Kyouya stared at his face for a few moments.
(Why does he look so hurt?)
"Hm? You're going to be late if you stay here!" Kaoru quickly looked away.
(Please don't look like that…)
He watched how Kyouya stood there for a few more moments, as if he was waiting for something. For a mere second he looked confused, as his lips parted slightly almost like he was going to say something, but instead he turned around and left. The door closed with a painful, awkwardly loud bang and Kaoru stared at it, flinching lightly. Sighing deeply again, hoping Kyouya would forgive him, he turned around and looked at the now cold breakfast. The silence in the room after the loud bang was almost wrong and he started humming, driving the silence away and filling the room with happy air, instead of the tension that was there now.
He'd make up later today. He smiled. He'd make it alright again.
He shrugged the thought off, really, so what if he did something wrong? He wasn't supposed to mind. He wasn't supposed to care this much about it. And when he saw Kyouya he'd make it alright again and he'd apologize properly.
And he'd have to think of something else to wake him up with. Maybe singing, or turning on the radio. Anything would be better then this. Anything.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kyouya organised his papers on his lap, reading the marked statistics and sentences randomly, but he lost his concentration over and over again, as the same thoughts kept popping up. After he read the same sentence for what was the fifteenth time, he sighed in irritation and gave up. He looked outside the window. Why was he so worried? He wasn't the one that did anything wrong. What was Kaoru thinking anyway, just smashing water in his face to wake him up? If you do stupid things, then it's not surprising that people don't like that and react rather irritated. He did nothing wrong. Then why… why was it bothering him so much? Why did he see that hurt look; that scared look over and over again? Why did he feel like he had to apologize and make Kaoru smile again?
It just felt wrong, to see the happy, lively, confident Kaoru shrinking back like that and looking like he was going to burst out in tears any moment. He didn't want to hurt him. It just felt wrong, so very wrong. He'd rather have him smile.
Only the thought of Kaoru's smile, made him smile too.
He'd do anything to see Kaoru's true smile. When he smiled, and he did that a lot, the room seemed to brighten and the world must be a better place for mere seconds. It was for an unexplainable reason Kyouya thought so, but he didn't want to lose that thought. Kaoru was meant to smile, smile because of stupid things, smile of things no one else would smile with. Kaoru was one of these people, who would always be happy. Kaoru had one of these contagious smiles, because when he smiled you couldn't do anything else then smile back. Even when it was barely noticeable on Kyouya's face when he smiled back, he definitely felt like smiling.
Kaoru was just addicting and so were his smiles, his unstoppable small talk, his happy movements and fluent thoughts. Kaoru was just addicting to watch.
He just wasn't used to seeing him like that. Yes, that explained everything. New things always feel strange, change always makes you feel a little weird. There was nothing more to it. Kaoru's character was supposed to be happy and running around, not staring at you without a single intention of a devilish plan. That was all. Kaoru shouldn't be hurt or scared or sad.
He should be smiling.
As long as Kaoru smiled, the world was okay. As long as Kaoru smiled Kyouya could see that little thing people called happiness. He saw it in his smile, overflowing with every word, heard it with every laugh. Kaoru was just like that. And he was perfect as he was.
He smiled now he figured out what it was that was bothering him, as he went through his papers again. The thought of Kaoru's hurtful look still played in the back of his mind, but he could successfully hide it under calculations and work. Work always beat everything.
The car stopped and Kyouya got out, arranging everything that needed to be arranged and then turning around. The door was opened for him as he stepped inside the large building. A quick glance on his paper told him he still knew which room he had to search for. Walking in a steady pace, he gave a polite smile to everyone he passed, as he tried to block Kaoru from his thoughts completely.
The meeting was extraordinary boring. Usually he found something interesting in it, even when it was just the fact that there was something to learn from, something he never heard anyone saying or thinking before. But today was just boring. Maybe it was just because Kaoru's smile was too persistent and determinate not to leave his mind. All he could think about was Kaoru. It was annoying him, even when it was just a little, and he really tried to concentrate on the boring and suddenly seemingly pointless whining about marks and statistics. He just scrabbled down some notes, since he didn't really need an opinion whatsoever. He was only there on behalf of his older brother, not because he was anything himself. He only needed to sit there and listen. That was enough. He was the third son so that was enough.
The fact that he might be able to help, that he might be better then his brothers was useless and completely ignored.
He was already used to being second place. He was already used to seeing people look at him and only think of him as 'the third son'. He was already used to the painful feeling of never being good enough. He was already used to it and he didn't need to feel the pain again. He wouldn't let anyone cause him any more harm. He decided that a very long time ago. He promised himself to meet every expectation, but to never hope again. Hoping hurt. He didn't really know why he thought back of that childish, but to him pretty important promise. Maybe because it was threatened again. Maybe because he knew he should remind himself of it again, before he did something stupid.
Without a word, he got up as the meeting was over. There was no one who was waiting for him to say anything, no need for a word, no need for an opinion, no need for his presence actually. He was always forgotten. Maybe he really was the Shadow King, but the shadow part certainly wasn't at free will. He was just pushed there, just born in the shadows and there he would remain. That was his life. That was his cage and no one could free him from that.
(Maybe Kaoru can.)
The grip on his notebook tightened as he walked through empty, clean, soundless halls.
(But he wouldn't.)
His steps became slightly faster.
(Because he doesn't care about me either. No one does. He has no reason to care about me.)
The door was opened for him again and in all silence he got in the car again, driving off to the next meeting.
(Even to him, I'm also a second choice.)
Because that was what he was: second place, third place, no place, worst place, out of place. Never the first place. He'd never be first place, never first choice. So he didn't hope for it anymore. He gave up hoping already. There was no need to hope, for it brought only more pain. He wasn't cold, people made him cold. He wasn't scary, people made him scary. He was nothing, but people tend to make him more then he was. People made people, more then they made themselves.
(I won't be fooled.)
The car stopped.
(I won't be hurt.)
He got out and walked into another building.
(I won't get hurt anymore.)
The grip on his notebook became even tighter, as he walked all alone to another room.
(I'll just forget it. I'll just forget him.)
He sat down, placed his notebook on the table and grabbing his pen. He was a little early, as expected, and he watched how everyone came out the door, recognizing every single face, nodding politely.
(My life is fine. I'm fine.)
And he could hear Kaoru's voice in his head answering and laughing at him. He could see how Kaoru's eyes would sadden and sparkle at the same time as he'd ever say something like that to him.
("Fine isn't good enough.")
The meeting was opened and Kyouya Ootori did as was expected of him, like a mindless robot, like a tool used by those above him.
("It should be great. It should be perfect. It should be sparkling. It should be wonderful. It should be happy. You should be happy.")
And no one in the whole room noticed as Kyouya felt miserably alone and weak, not able to fight the voice in his head anymore, not able to guard himself from that sickening sweetness the younger Hitachiin twin possessed. No one noticed how dark eyes softened, saddened and looked down.
(My father doesn't want my life to be good. My father wants me to do what he says. So that's what I'll do. That's what I'll continue doing for ever.)
No one noticed him at all.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Manako! Manako!"
The said girl turned around, a faint smile on her lips as she saw the new maid running towards her, standing still just in time.
"You have to help me!"
"What is it, Kao-chan?"
He winced.
"Don't call me like that, please?"
She laughed and so did he. Kaoru ran a hand through his hair and looked at her, suddenly becoming serious.
"Do you know how the bake a cake?"
Again she started laughing and he felt like an idiot, but simply looked away, until she was done laughing. Manako straightened her uniform –which was considerable longer- and looked at him seriously.
"Why?" she asked.
Kaoru smiled at her and hopped on one leg and then the other as he answered: "so I can give it to Kyouya-sama!"
She looked at him questioningly, her eyes wondering up and down his body, as Kaoru laughed and explained: "I really messed up today, this morning, and I wanted to make up again. I can't afford my 'boss' hating me after two days work!"
"Okay, I'll help you," she answered and with a smile he followed her to the kitchen.
She looked at him, from the corner of her eye. The kitchen was deserted, for there was no one who wanted to eat right now. She started taking the right ingredients and he helped her as much as he could.
"You really like him, don't you?" she smiled.
Kaoru looked up, almost dropped what he was holding, then placed it neatly on the table. He smiled at her and slightly nodded. She said 'like' after all and not 'love'. Yes, he liked Kyouya. He was a good person and he didn't deserve to be treated like most people treated him. He deserved a lot more then people gave him, but he would never say that out loud, for all that he'd get would be a nasty glare and a shrug.
"I think he's a good person," he answered back. "Even though he's scary sometimes…"
"When he wakes up, for example," she finished his sentence.
Happy laughter filled the room once again and when it faded away, Manako began explaining what he had to do. Kaoru followed her instructions neatly.
"You love him, don't you?" Manako teased him after a while, as she put the right amount of flour in a vessel.
Kaoru looked up and smiled, even tough he honestly didn't know the answer himself anymore. But he promised Hikaru not to, he promised he wouldn't fall in love.
"That would be out of place, don't you think?" he simply answered, as he measured the sugar. "And he'd never love me back anyway."
"I wouldn't say that," she grinned, "he's smiling a lot more lately."
"Who says that has anything to do with me?" Kaoru hoped she'd stop soon.
"Well, no one… but it's not weird to assume, right?" she answered back, breaking the eggs.
Kaoru put the sugar in it, avoiding her gaze. He just smiled a little, feeling uncomfortable.
"It's not like that," Kaoru said.
"Then why else could he be so happy?" Manako answered back.
Kyouya can't love me… That's impossible.
"How am I supposed to know? I've only known him for such a short time," he lied, which went better then he thought it would.
Who would ever love someone as stupid as me?
"So he's just a 'friend'?" she asked, mixing the dough now all the ingredients were in it.
"I don't think he even considers me as a friend," Kaoru answered and found his voice saddening at that statement.
I'm merely a tool, a member of the Host Club he has to keep running. I'm nothing. I'm probably not even 'Kaoru' to him.
"And if you could choose?" she asked as she smiled happily.
Kaoru thought for a few moments, as he watched how Manako placed the cake in the oven. She looked back and smiled at him. Kaoru smiled back, as automatic.
"Then I think I'd like it if I was a friend," he looked away. "But I'm merely a maid, so that's out of the question."
"You never know," she smiled. "A week is enough to make someone fall in love with you."
But I don't want that… I don't want…
He smiled.
… Kyouya to...
Manako excused herself after someone called her and Kaoru was left alone to watch the cake.
Love me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was pretty late when Kyouya finally came home again. He got out of the car, feeling like the way to his house was too much to walk, but crossed the distance anyway, the door opened before him. Stepping inside the house that never was his home, that never would be his home, his expression became emotionless again and all the exhaustion was gone. He took off his shoes as he walked inside.
"Ah, Kyouya-sama!"
He looked next to him, to find Kaoru smiling and almost jumping in excitement. He smiled a little as the familiar feeling came back. It was the effect Kaoru's smile had on people. A little smile played upon his face as well.
"Welcome back," Kaoru smiled. "They told me to get a bath ready if you returned, so if you want to..."
"Okay," he handed the notebook over to him and smiled: "can you put that in my room and not look in it?"
"Sure!" Kaoru laughed a little and added laughing harder: "this is like the ultimate sign that you trust me, just handing your notebook over like that!"
"Maybe," Kyouya smiled back, "so don't screw it up, I'd say."
"Nope! I'll be a very good bo-" a quick look around, "girl… and I won't look in it!"
"Good," Kyouya answered. "I'll see you then."
"Yup!" and with that Kaoru ran off to secure the precious book and Kyouya made his way to the bathroom.
Once he was in, he took of his clothes and sunk away in the comfortable warmth of the water. He closed his eyes and sighed, knowing that no one was around, so it was okay to take of the hard mask and be exhausted. He was worrying a little, though, whether it was really okay to give Kaoru his precious notebook. He didn't really think Kaoru would look in it anyway, he just didn't think that was a good possibility. Of course, if Kaoru would've been with Hikaru, he could as well just tell the whole school what was written in there, but Hikaru wasn't there. It was only Kaoru.
And Kaoru was worth his trust, or a little bit of that, for some reason.
Kaoru opened the door silently, avoiding looking at the wall where the glass was crushed on earlier that day. He placed the notebook on Kyouya's desk, his fingers hovering above it, hesitating, doubting. This was a once in a lifetime chance, but he didn't want to destroy the trust he had gained.
If Kyouya trusted him, that was. But somehow he believed he did, even when it was just a little.
He smiled. That would be enough then. He turned around and for the first time he started to take a good look around in the room. Since the first time he actually came there was late, when everything was already dark. And the events of that morning prevented him from really taking a relaxed look around too. The notebook behind him was forgotten as he walked until he stood in the middle of the room. Next to him stood the large bed, for some reason not pushed against the wall as his –and Hikaru's- bed was. A huge window gave a beautiful view on the calm street. He walked to the window, as he wondered whether the stars were visible at night or the street lamps gave too much light. He chuckled a little as he tried to imagine Kyouya standing before that same window, his hand upon the cold glass, a dark gaze directed at the stars.
But that wasn't something Kyouya would do… right?
No, but maybe not because he didn't want to. Just simply because he had no time. Kaoru's eyes saddened as he thought that, and his fingers clutched a little around the fabric of his skirt.
That's right. Since Kyouya was the third son, he had no time to gaze toward the stars, no time to make a wish, no time to think about pretty things, no time to have fun. All the time he had needed to be put into work, work, and again work, so he could eventually prove that he too was good enough, that he too could be worth something. Kyouya's life wasn't as easy as Kaoru's. He had no twin who could take over his work, just because their work would always be the same anyway. He had no certain future, no future he wanted. He was always alone. He always had to work. He always had to work, only to be found not good enough in the end.
And there was no one to tell him he was good enough as he was right now. There was no one to hold him when he was scared, no one to say it was alright. There was no one to warm him when the nights got cold, there was no one to smile at him. There was no one in his world.
He was all alone.
And somehow, that made Kaoru incredibly sad. He felt empty and suddenly he felt like he needed to thank Hikaru for always, always being there. Suddenly it was like he understood what he did wrong yesterday and why Kyouya was who he was. He just never thought about it. He just never thought about Kyouya.
But from now on, he wouldn't let him be alone anymore.
No one in this world deserved to be alone. No one in this world should be alone. Loneliness was the most painful thing someone could ever experience and Kyouya must've felt it his whole life through. His brother knew nothing about him, Kaoru remembered now. Fuyumi seemed to know a little more, but still nothing really.
He himself didn't know anything about Kyouya either. All he knew was that he was in the second year, that he was a great student, that he was the third son, that his notebook was the most important thing in the world, and that was only something he assumed. He didn't know anything about him.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Not even his favourite colour, or place, or book, or his hobbies or something.
No.
Just absolutely and completely nothing.
"And don't you have anything else to do then look outside my window?" a voice sounded from behind him.
Close. Very close.
Kaoru jumped around, his back slamming against the cold window. A quick step forward followed out of reflex and again he found his body touching something he wasn't intending to. Only this time, it felt warm and he could hear a soft beating sound. He swallowed thickly as he felt his face heat up completely. Maybe he was better of freezing against that window then melting down against Kyouya's chest. Snapping back to his senses, he took a small step backward, not looking up, wanting to just disappear there where he stood.
Kyouya looked at the embarrassed boy, his lips curling upward a bit at Kaoru's sudden strange behaviour. It was almost hard to imagine this blushing boy being the same as the one who was so resolute about making his outfit even more daring.
Speaking of which. Kyouya still hadn't a good look on it, now that is was shorter. Without any more attention of Kaoru's flushed cheeks –although he looked deathly cute like that- his eyes travelled lower, until they rested at the edge of the skirt, the fabric now only coming halfway his thighs. Needless to say it didn't cover anything and only accentuated Kaoru's slender hips.
"You really are a pervert," Kaoru said, completely recovered again, as he gave him an accusatory look. "Don't stare at me like that."
"If you don't want people to stare, then why making the skirt that short?" Kyouya answered back coolly. "That makes no sense."
Kaoru sighed as he answered: "You don't know anything about fashion, do you?"
"Probably a lot less then you," he answered back. "For you should be ashamed when that was not the case."
"Would be painful," Kaoru admitted.
Keeping silent, Kyouya wanted to look up again, as he noticed the little plaster on his hand.
"What did you do?" he asked, as pointed at the 'wounded' hand.
"Oh, I just cut my hand when I was cleaning up the glass this mor…" Kaoru shut his mouth and gave him an awkward smile.
"Ah… I see…" was the only thing Kyouya could reply, as he felt something weird inside him.
Kaoru shifted uneasy, feeling like he should apologize.
"Ah, well, uhm… about that…" he started.
"Don't worry about it," Kyouya cut him off, "just don't do it again."
(Why didn't I notice that before?)
"I won't," Kaoru promised, smiling brightly. "Never again!"
Kyouya smiled a little, not giving a reply for he thought there was none needed anymore. He walked to his laptop, switching it on. Kaoru looked at him, as Kyouya took some papers, sorting them neatly.
"You still need to work?" Kaoru asked disbelieving. "You've already been busy the whole day! On a Sunday, that is!"
"It's okay. This is something I don't have to do," Kyouya answered.
"Eh? Then why are you doing it?" but immediately Kaoru felt like an idiot for asking that.
The answer was so obvious; Kyouya didn't even go through the effort of answering him. Kaoru slapped himself mentally. It was obvious, that Kyouya never had a second of rest, if he ever wanted to succeed his dream of being better then his brothers. Kyouya couldn't slack down for even the slightest second, couldn't take a rest, couldn't just let things happen. His life was a fight, one that could not be paused and resumed afterwards. He had to do all of the extra things, needed to be so much more then any human being could be. But Kyouya would manage. Yes, Kaoru was sure that it wasn't the amount of work that was the worst in Kyouya's life.
Suddenly, he felt such a distance between them that he barely dared to move or live. It felt like he had no right to be around Kyouya at all. Like all he had been doing up until now was a crime, an infraction of something that should not be disturbed. His eyes saddened and without a word he turned around. There was no way he could ever understand Kyouya. There was no way he could ever be his friend. There was no way he had the right to think such selfish thoughts as wanting him to befriend him. There was no way he could ever mean a thing to Kyouya.
And for some reason, that hurt him so much he felt like crying where he stood. There was no way he could ever break down that wall around Kyouya's heart. He had no right to want that. He had no right to interfere with such a vulnerable fight. He bit his lip, his hand on the knob, ready to silently slide outside, as he heard Kyouya's voice, calm and warm: "Would you like to see the stars tonight?"
"Huh?" Kaoru turned around again, his cat ears shoving off his head at the quick movement.
"You like seeing the stars, right? It will be dark pretty soon, so I wouldn't mind watching the stars with you," he looked over his shoulder for a moment, then returned his eyes to the screen. "There's a pretty beautiful view from the roof."
Kaoru sunk on his knees, his hand searching from the headband with the cat ears, but all he could do was look at the back of Kyouya's head. He knew it meant nothing special, he knew he only thought he liked to look at the stars because he was gazing outside the window like that, he knew there was nothing more to it then merely coincidence. But he chose to forget that, because it made him feel warm and fuzzy inside to think Kyouya would do something for him. His hands grabbed the ears and put it on, getting back on his feet.
"I'd love to," Kaoru said happily.
Kyouya looked over his shoulder one more time and gave him a little smile, before returning to his work once again.
"That's settled then," he stated.
Kaoru gave him a last, shining smile, even though Kyouya was focused on his work again and then opened the door, silently leaving. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get the happy smile off his face anymore, but it was not like he really tried.
"I wouldn't mind watching the stars with you."
He said that. Kyouya really… really said something nice to him, after all the stupid things he already did. It was him who asked it, him who came with the initiative.
And even though Kaoru knew he might never mean something special to Kyouya, he might be able to make him laugh and smile, and that was already enough.
Just to hear Kyouya's laugh would be enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kyouya ate alone. Kaoru found that out today, since the day before he was too busy with other things. But now he peeked inside, through a little fissure, and he saw Kyouya sitting there, a plate full of food, barely touched, left there to grow cold and papers beside it. His eyes were focused on the papers, only now and then eating a little. Kaoru just held still, as he saw the lonely boy. The distance even increased, or so it seemed to him. Kyouya seemed to be perfectly fine.
But Kyouya-senpai always seems perfectly fine.
Kaoru heard another sigh escaping from the older boy's lips. Even in a house so full of people, with his sister and his brother, Kyouya was still alone. He was all alone.
Kyouya-senpai shouldn't be fine. He should be happy.
The older boy looked up, his black hair dancing around his face as he turned his head. Kaoru couldn't hide fast enough and Kyouya gave him a knowing look.
I really want to… Make Kyouya-senpai happy.
Kaoru smiled and walked inside. Leaning on the table and looking at how Kyouya just returned to his work, he sighed.
Kyouya-senpai isn't a bad person. So he doesn't deserve to be alone.
"I think…" Kaoru said, as he looked up, "you're addicted."
"I think you should leave me alone," the cold answer came, his eyes still focused on his work.
Kaoru narrowed his eyes, maybe a little more hurt by that cold comment then he should be, but he wouldn't admit that to himself. He knew this all along. He knew Kyouya was like that, so he didn't care. He didn't care at all.
"I think you're annoying," he replied, his voice a little more heated then he wanted.
"I think I absolutely don't care," another cold reply came.
"Or you just pretend to," the witty answer came.
"Whatever you think works for me," Kyouya looked up. "What is it that you want?"
I only want to see you smile.
"Nothing," Kaoru suddenly said, as he turned around, cheeks flushing red.
I only want you to have fun.
"You were feeling sorry for me because I sat alone?" Kyouya raised an eyebrow, feeling a little disgust at the thought of getting that boy's sympathy..
I only want you to stop pretending.
Kaoru's cheeks heated and he clenched his fist. Why was he feeling like this?!
I only want you to be happy.
"That's not it," he whispered back. "That's not it at all."
I only want you to be the person you could be.
"You were bored?" he was tired of guessing.
I only want you to be loved.
"No. That's not it either," Kaoru said.
And that's not because I care. I just…
Kaoru looked up one more time, the dark eyes simply looking back, with nothing behind it. No drowning light, no mysterious sparkle, no serious look, no sadness. Just nothing. Completely nothing.
Don't want you to be broken anymore.
"Then what was it?" Kyouya said, his attention already back on his paper work.
"Uhm, I…" Kaoru gave him a grin, "I remembered I still had a cake for you!"
Kyouya just ignored him, not even pretending to listen. Kaoru just sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Then not," he said.
"Why did you do that?" the voice came, just before Kaoru could walk away.
"Did what?" he asked back.
"Making that cake for me," Kyouya paused, writing something down, "I never asked for that."
"No… But since I made you angry this mor-"
"I wasn't mad. You're just an idiot."
An irritated sigh.
"Fine. Since I've been such an idiot this morning, I thought I should apologize and-"
"You always think you need to apologize. Don't you get sick of that?"
"WOULD YOU AT LEAST LET ME FINISH?!"
"Oh, there was more?" Kyouya looked up, a small, amused smirk on his face.
Kaoru's hands were placed on his hips, a furious look in his eyes. He just had no idea how absolutely adorable he looked like that, in a maid outfit, the little cat ears on his head. Kaoru kept looking furious, while Kyouya just kept on smirking a little.
"I hate you," Kaoru said, looking away, a stubborn look on his face.
"Of course you do," Kyouya answered, his voice not interested or hurt in the least.
Kaoru looked up again.
"You already apologized, so there was no need to do that, right?" Kyouya returned his attention to his papers once again.
"… I only wanted to do something for you," Kaoru muttered, hoping Kyouya didn't even hear that.
Kyouya looked at his papers, still, but his attention wasn't there at all. The pen stopped writing, but he didn't look at Kaoru when he asked: "and why would you want that?"
"I don't know. Because we're friends?" Kaoru said innocently, ready to hear a cold 'we are no friends.'
"Ah," Kyouya looked up at him for a second.
(He's even worse then Tamaki.)
Suddenly a smile played upon his lips, a bright, honest smile. Kaoru never saw that smile before. It was different from the ones he smiled just because people expected him to smile, the smiles he gave a person when he needed something from them. It was different. It was so different Kaoru didn't know whether to be scared or happy because he was the source of that smile.
So this is what his real smile looks like.
"You're really an idiot," Kyouya said.
"Hm, probably," Kaoru smiled back. "But who can blame me, when the only role model I had was Hikaru? Then it's only normal to grow up like a complete idiot."
Kyouya chuckled a bit.
"That's true."
"Waaah!" Kaoru suddenly yelled.
"What?" Kyouya asked.
"I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT HIKARU!" Kaoru panicked.
You made me forget Hikaru… You made me forget how much I miss him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hikaruuuuuuu!!!"
"Kaoruuuuu!"
"I'm sorry for calling so late."
"Don't mind. Did Kyouya-senpai give you that much work?"
"Ah, uhm, y-yeah! Really, I'm going to die from all the work I have!"
"…"
"W-What?"
"You're lying to me, aren't you?"
"I'd never do that!"
"You're lying again, aren't you?"
"HIKARU!"
"'Kay, 'kay, sorry."
"Kyouya-senpai is an idiot anyway."
"…"
"There's no way he'd be more important then you."
"… Did he do something?"
"Except for being his selfish, cold, irritating, arrogant self? No."
"You're mad at him?"
"No… Not really… It's just…"
"Just?"
"Even when I try to do my best, he keeps ignoring me. I can't … Ah, never mind."
"Don't keep things from meeeee!"
"Hikaru… It's nothing important…"
"…"
"?"
"I don't like it."
"What?"
"Everything. Why would you care about it? Don't tell me you're-"
"I don't love him. I'll never love him. I won't betray you like that."
"Eh? It's not like… No, no, you can't think like that!"
"Hikaru?"
"Never mind, I'm just being weird. I'm contradicting myself again."
"I'm afraid I'm not following."
"Ah, whatever."
"…"
"YAY! I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW AGAIN!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"Yeah, that's nice. I missed you!"
"I missed you too."
"I really have to go now, see you later."
"Kaoru?"
"Yes?"
"Don't fall in love with him… ne?"
"I already said I wouldn't. Don't worry about it."
"…I don't want him to break your heart…"
"… H-Hikaru… Kyouya-senpai wouldn't…"
"Yes, he would. Love always ends. Look, Kaoru, I just don't want you to get hurt."
"I know. Don't worry. I'm fine. I can't wait until tomorrow!"
"Yay!"
"I love you, Hikaru."
"I love you too, Kaoru."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He shivered. The wind was cold, even though the sun had been shining hours ago like it would never end. The night was dark, lighted up by stars and he couldn't help but wonder if the star he was looking at was even there anymore. He once read –and he was sure it was common knowledge- that the light of the stars took so much time to reach the earth, he could be looking at a star that in reality wasn't even there anymore. Maybe it already died.
It was just an illusion. It was a beautiful one, but he might be fooled by its beauty.
He shivered again.
Warm hands wrapped around his chest, a warm body pressing against his back, a chin resting on his shoulder.
"It's such a pretty view," the boy behind him said happily, his hot breath playing on the sensitive skin of the other boy's neck.
This time he suppressed his shiver, just as the thoughts in his head.
"I guess," he answered, not really convincing. "It's not impressive."
"Not impressive?" the other laughed again. "I wonder if there is anything on the world that impresses you."
"There probably is," he said uninterested. "You're standing way too close, Kaoru. Why are you clinging to me like that?"
The said boy laughed, but did not let go.
"I thought you were cold," he answered innocently.
"So? I was thinking you were freezing in that outfit of y…" he could almost feel the smirk on his face.
"You were thinking of me? Kyouya-senpai was thinking about me?" Kaoru let go and stood before him in a swift movement.
Kyouya tried his best not to, but he couldn't help looking at the boy, still in his shamelessly short skirt, the cat ears still on his head. Moonlight made it look like his pale skin was shining, glowing with some kind of inner light. The wind played with his short hair, made the skirt dance around his thighs. But that was not what made him feel like he couldn't breathe anymore. That wasn't what made it so hard to tear his eyes away from his.
It was the way he smiled to him and his eyes sparkled while he did so.
"Was I wrong then?" he asked, not even considering answering his previous question. "You're not cold?"
"I'm fine," Kaoru smiled. "I'm too tired and I don't feel like searching something warmer then this."
"I see," Kyouya simply answered, walking passed the boy.
He sat down, his legs dangling in the air. His hands were placed on the side of his body, his head in his neck to watch the little glowing points in the dark paint that coloured the night. Kaoru balanced on the edge of the roof, beside him and for a second he considered telling the boy how dangerous that was, but he found himself forgetting the words as Kaoru spread his arms and whispered: "Wouldn't flying be nice?"
"Humans can't fly," was the only response he got. "They don't have wings."
"That's not true," Kaoru smiled. "Humans do have wings. They're just not made of feathers, but of the power of their will. I believe humans can fly, just in a different way. We can reach the stars, if we want it enough."
"You shouldn't wish for things that you cannot accomplish," Kyouya looked away.
(You'll only get hurt.)
"Eh? That sounded sad," Kaoru sat down next to him. "And I believe you can fly too. If you want to, there is nothing that you could not reach."
"It didn't sound sad," Kyouya looked at Kaoru, who was gazing at the stars.
(I cannot reach anything.)
"You know…" Kaoru continued looking at the stars. "I think it's sad. I think it's really sad for people who have to pretend to be someone who they are not. I think it's really sad for someone to never be good enough."
(Please don't do that.)
Kaoru thought back of the sad smile on Kyouya's face that morning.
"Sometimes, I think, you sound sad too. Just a little. I think you're only sounding cold to keep yourself from sounding sad," Kaoru smiled, but his smile was so sorrowful, it hurt Kyouya to look at it.
(Please stop that.)
"I think I like you better when you're not pretending," Kaoru smiled.
(Don't be so nice to me.)
"I'm not pretending, Kaoru," Kyouya kept silent for a while. "Please don't talk like you know me."
"I only said what I thought," Kaoru grinned. "What you do with that information is up to you. I'm only saying that…"
(Please don't make me fall in love with you…)
Kyouya looked at Kaoru when he kept silent for a time, but immediately he wished he didn't do that. Kaoru's amber eyes were so full of something he could not describe, something too magical to be described, that he could only look back. Breathing felt odd and everything was tingling.
(I don't want to hurt you.)
Kaoru leaned closer, his gaze still directed on Kyouya, who could not even tear his eyes away from him to look at those perfect lips, slightly parted, revealing white teeth.
(I don't want to disappoint you too.)
A soft kiss was pressed on his forehead. Eyes widened ever so slightly.
(Please don't… Please don't… Please don't look trough me… Please don't make me believe someone could love the worthless failure I am…)
Kaoru smiled his bright smile again.
"I'm only saying that, if you let people in and you let them see who you really are, it's a nice feeling actually," his eyes softened. "It's a scary feeling at first, 'cause it feels like you're letting go of everything precious to you and it's like you're constantly falling, but… There will be someone to catch you, always. And stepping out of that old world and discovering the new world, doesn't mean you have to completely forget about the things you loved back then."
(I don't want to be hurt anymore.)
"No one is meant to be alone, Kyouya-senpai," Kaoru laid his head on his shoulder. "Neither are you."
(I don't want to be alone anymore.)
"Because it hurts doesn't it?" Kaoru said. "Being alone hurts more then anything in this whole world."
(Please don't do this to me!)
"Don't you… ever shut up…" he found himself whispering, his voice full with something he never heard in it before. "Idiot. You're even worse then Tamaki."
(Please don't…)
"But you never say something!" Kaoru protested childish, leaning back as if he said nothing important or serious. "I don't like silence!"
"There's nothing important to state," Kyouya said.
"Not all the things you say have to be important," Kaoru laughed. "Tell me something! Anything! It doesn't matter, as long as you are the real you and not the Kyouya-senpai you are showing."
"Why should I?" Kyouya found his arms getting tired of supporting the weight of both him and Kaoru –even though Kaoru was just leaning on him a little-.
"Because that's the wish I made underneath the stars," Kaoru smiled. "Well, the one I'll tell you about."
"There was no shooting star," Kyouya raised a brow.
"Hm, I know, but I still made a wish." Kaoru grinned. "You should make one too."
(Then I wish…)
"I don't care about a wish. It won't come true anyway," Kyouya switched his position a little.
(The only thing I want would be…)
"I'll make it come true," Kaoru stated resolute. "I'll definitely make you wish come true."
And there was no one who could say such an impossible thing with such a determination. There was no one like Kaoru.
"Alright then, just one 'wish' to make you stop nagging about it," Kyouya sighed.
"Yay!"
(Just once I want to be…)
He closed his eyes, feeling warm arms wrap around his shoulder before he shivered of the cold again. This time he kept silent.
(Just once, I want to be his first choice. Just once, I want him to love me more then anyone else in the world.)
He could hear it. He could hear Kaoru's heart beat against his chest slowly. He kept his eyes shut, for he could feel something warm behind his closed eyelids, something that might be tears in the making. But there was no reason to cry, and he certainly wouldn't let the younger twin see his tears.
He would not show any weakness.
But maybe his heart healed a little, so that it was able to live with the pain and admit it.
(And I wish my mind back, because I seriously lost it.)
There would always be someone there to catch him, according to Kaoru. And he'd believe him, even if there was no proof that he was right. He'd believe him, just because he wanted to.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was late –or early- when they walked into Kyouya's bedroom again. They were both tired, and Kyouya was cold to the bone, for he wasn't able to convince the twin of going down any earlier. He would regret sitting there so long tomorrow, when he was all sick and tired and it was school. He would regret this all, but right now he wouldn't let himself care about that. He pulled the blankets completely over his head, getting a chuckle from Kaoru, who already laid cosily in the bed.
"You're shivering," he said, "are you cold?"
"I'm only tired," Kyouya found himself saying with the last of strength he had left.
"Ne, Kyouya-senpai?" Kaoru said innocently, "turn over to your side, please?"
"Hm?" Kyouya questioned, but too tired to protest he obediently did so. "I though you were the maid."
Kaoru didn't answer anymore and Kyouya wondered if he fell asleep, but that thought was quickly dismissed when he felt two warm arms wrapping around him. His eyes widened slightly, as he felt Kaoru pressing his body against his. He closed his eyes again, too tired to think how inappropriate that all was.
"Goodnight, Kyouya-senpai," Kaoru smiled, his forehead against his back.
"Goodnight, Kaoru," Kyouya said back.
The shivering stopped quickly, and Kyouya didn't remember feeling so warm in his whole life. Without really noticing, his hand moved to one of Kaoru's hand, limply hanging on his chest, his fingertips slightly brushing over soft skin. Strangely enough there were no disturbing thoughts in his head at that very moment, no things he needed to fight. Kaoru grasped his hand, maybe in some sleepy reflex, but Kyouya didn't mind. Kaoru's warm body was pressed against his, his breath flowing over his neck every time the boy exhaled.
A soft smile played upon his lips, because this was not a game. Kyouya knew most of the things Kaoru did or said that day were only to get a reaction of him, but this wasn't. This was Kaoru. This was one of those things Kaoru did. Just because he was the person he was. This was no game, not an illusion.
Kyouya didn't want to conclude anything out of it, but while it lasted, he would remember every second of it. He wanted to remember it, so that every night, when he felt like there would come no tomorrow for him because the dawn was too beautiful to fit in his life, he just had to think back of this day, the day Kaoru held him in his arms and suppressed the shivering, the cold, the fear.
He wanted to remember it, so that even after this week, he never had to be all alone again. He wanted to remember how it felt to feel the warmth of another human being pressed against you, how it felt to be not alone.
He wanted to remember how he felt, how his heart beat a little quicker, how everything stopped thinking and he was completely defenceless, but he was not scared.
He wanted to remember this moment, so that if the day came he was cold and alone, he could make an image how that one precious feeling felt. He didn't believe he would ever love, and he knew he'd be engaged to a girl he'd probably barely knew.
He wanted to remember this, so that one day, he could make an image of what love must feel like. Maybe this was the closest he'd ever come to being loved, and loving someone in return. So he wouldn't forget.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ha, to be honest, I absolutely hate the scene on the roof. I really do, but I don't know why. XD I'm just weird probably! I loved to write the scene where Kaoru woke Kyouya up however, but I don't know why either. XD And yeah, you could say Kaoru's a really dumb person for doing that, but I don't he really knew what would happen, and beside, they always do weird things which are just bound to end in distasters XD -I mean, what kind of plan is letting a vase almost fall on someone's head just to win a silly game XD- Such a thing could end up really bad, even when it's planned. But oh well XD And again... I wanted to say that the things Kyouya THINKS and SHOWS are NOT the same. Because I personally believe he's not the cold person he shows, but really feels a lot of emotions inside, but just doesn't show them. So if you look at it like that, then Kyouya wasn't OOC in my story, 'kaaaay? -puppy eyes- Oh well, I hope you think the same, because I wouldn't like it if you think me story sucks because everyone is so OOC. So yeah... uhm, -thinks- Ah, that's true. I don't know if Kyouya actually goes to meetings, but let's say he does, 'kay? And I am aware that Kyouya didn't eat of Kaoru's cake, but don't worry, he will!
Oh... and if the rating is wrong, could someone please tell me? -I mean for the previous chapter too, since I 'implied' things or so?- I don't know, but if it's the case, please tell me? I suck at ratings and stuff.
And sorry for the links! I know they didn't show up! I'm going to post them on my profile page, at the end, so if you want to see, please look there!
Please review! I really loved all the reviews I got! Yay!