(( Again, I'm quite sorry it took so long. Like I said during the last chapter, school's about to start up. Tons of junk to do before then. I'm tellin' ya, 8th grade had better be worth all this!
Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter! And let it be known, I have no more ideas for future chapters (any help with brainstorming would be appreciated) and I don't know how much time I'll have to write any future chapters either. Fear not, for no matter how busy I may be, I will always find time, somehow, to continue this series! So, ENJOY!))
Chapter 5: Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplants—Part 2—AKA, Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!
It was quiet in the hallway for a minute or two. The roars of anguish from the other side of the door stopped. The sound of orange soda gushing out from under the door halted. The only noise one could hear was the soft tapping of the carbonated drink dripping.
The company was still leaning on the door, even though it was almost certain that the monster within was destroyed. Gingerly, a couple of them removed their weight from the door.
Minerva looked around the vast corridor in which the professors now stood.
"Now what?"
Her voice echoed through the hall, bouncing off the walls and slowly fading away into the nothingness.
"Do you think she's…." Filius was looking at the door. He made to open the door to see, but Albus stopped him.
"If she is, I'm not sure it will be a pretty sight."
Severus was about to pass out with glee. Rolanda Hooch, dead? A huge grin that seemed far too big for his face appeared.
"What're you so happy about?" asked an irate Pomona.
Severus seemed to not hear her. He danced a little jig around the others before yelling out of a chorus of "DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD! LA LA LA! THE WITCH IS DEAD! DING, DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!"
If looks could kill, the potions master would have been dead before he hit the floor. Minerva glared at him for a split second, then whipped out her wand and pointed it at Severus. Instantly, his hair became a ball of fire.
Severus screamed in an extremely high pitched voice before running around in circles screaming, "MY HAIR'S ON FIRE! MY HAIR'S ON FIRE! MY HAIR'S ON FIRE!"
A blast of orange soda from a position he couldn't see finally put out the blaze on his head. A very scorched Severus collapsed on the ground twitching.
"What the-?" Minerva stuttered, "Who put it out! No fair! I was just getting to enjoy it!"
The company looked at each other, then shrugged. None of them had done it.
Minerva looked around confused for a second, then she heard a familiar voice, "Yo Min! You are aware that there are better curses to use on him, right?"
Even before she had turned around, she heard Severus wail from his place on the floor, "Oh crap! SHE'S ALIVE!"
As Minerva turned around to see who had spoken, she briefly saw Pomona's jaw drop, Filius drop his blaster on Albus' foot, and Albus hop around in a most un-headmasterly like way shouting obstinacies while holding his foot.
Standing in the doorway to the room the company had exited earlier stood a sopping wet, but overall happy looking Rolanda Hooch. Orange soda dripped off her robes as she stepped foreword, her shoes making a wet squeaky sound. Flecks of purple goo, which Minerva could only guess was the remains of the eggplant, were scattered over her robes face and hair.
Rolanda laughed and slapped Minerva on the back, inadvertently splashing her with orange soda.
"How…are…you…alive?" asked Minerva, bug eyed.
Rolanda's smile faltered. "What is it with you people? I just got out of that stupid room after single-handedly defeating a giant, man eating eggplant, got away unscathed, and now you want me to tell you what happened?"
Minerva blinked.
Rolanda threw her hands up in defeat. "Fine then! Just give me a second to clean off this stupid soda…" With a flick of her wand, the soda was gone and her robes were dry and clean. "Now…" she conjured up a mug of coffee and took a healthy swig before turned back to her dumbfounded friends
"Once you guys left me in the room it was me and that beast. All alone. With the beast. Man, he was an ugly brute too. Tall enough to bump his head on the ceiling, he was!"
Pomona rolled her eyes at Rolanda. Only all to familiar was the staff with Rolanda's lively play-by-play commentaries, she did a special one after every Quidditch game in the staff room to whoever would listen.
"So I started thinking, " continued Rolanda, it was obvious she was enjoying this. "Well these guys don't like orange soda at all right? So I grabbed my blaster off my back, you see," she grabbed Severus' soda blaster off the floor, "and I started shaking it up real good." She started shaking the blaster as violently as she had back in the room, "until finally it felt like the thing was going to blow up, so I threw it at the beast!" she threw the blaster down the hallway, "And I dove under this table in the corner, " she ducked behind a nearby cabinet, "And then it blew up!" as soon as she said the words the blaster exploded. The company had to run for cover as a tidal wave of orange soda splashed down the hallway. "And THAT is how I defeated the monster!"
Rolanda stepped out from behind the cabinet with a smug smile.
"Thanks for sharing." Said Severus glumly. With a wave of his wand he made the orange soda which had just splashed by them vanish. With a second wave he summoned his blaster back to him, and with a third repaired it.
"Can we move on now?" asked Filius impatiently.
"Where exactly are we going?" asked Severus .
The company looked to Albus, who always seemed to have the answers to everything. "Well, seeing as the eggplants are sensitive to orange soda we 'ought to make our way up to the seventh floor and the "Purge the Castle with Orange Soda Button".
The company stared at the headmaster.
"A… 'Purge the Castle with Orange Soda Button'" repeated Severus
"WHO THE BLOODY HELL PUT A PURGE THE CASTLE WITH ORANGE SODA BUTTON IN THE SCHOOL?" yelled Rolanda, unable to contain herself.
"I dunno…" said Albus, "I've only seen it once. Lime green in color. Shaped like lemon."
The company blinked.
"Well, we ought to get going, eh? Those eggplants aren't getting any smaller!"
Albus started walking ahead. The company didn't move. "Well!" he said over his shoulder, "Are you guys coming!"
Pomona pointed to a giant number over the nearest doorway, "We're already on the seventh floor."
"Oh. I knew that! Was just testing you!"
"Uh huh. You just keep telling yourself that. Now, what room is this button supposed to be in?"
Albus looked around at the many doors which covered all the wall space in the hallway. "No clue."
"Great! Just Wonderful! Peachy even!" said Rolanda, kicking the wall, "We're stuck in this cruddy castle with killer eggplants and a headmaster who probably thinks 1+1 Fish!" She started banging her head on a random door, "WHY ME? WHY! WHY! WHY!"
Suddenly, the door swung open. The room within was very large, even by Hogwarts standards. It was quite dark, shadows covered most of the room's floor space. It seemed almost gloomy within, and empty. On the far side of the room was a small podium, though if you combined the sheer size of the room with the darkness of it, it was impossible to see what was on the podium from the door.
"What the-?" said Minerva, peering past Rolanda into the room.
"This room looks familiar…." Mused Albus, stepping past the others into the room, "If I didn't know any better I'd say this was that button we discussed earlier is in here." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, glancing around.
"I've never been in this room before." Said Severus, following Albus into the room, "And I thought I'd seen all the rooms…."
"No one has been in all the rooms in this school, dear boy." Said Albus, "I don't even suppose the founders had explored it completely."
Filius put a hand on the wall. "Hey! What!" he took his hand off and looked at it. "Did you know the walls here are covered in orange soda?"
Pomona prodded at a wall with her wand. "If that button is anywhere, it ought to be here!"
The company walked across the room slowly. Suddenly a strange noise could be heard from beyond the door. Hesitantly, the company held their blasters at the ready.
After a few minutes, the strange noises could be identified as growls. After a few more minutes the growling became louder. Then louder. Finally, a huge shadow crossed the door. Then the huge, ugly head of a Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplant swooped under the doorframe, its teeth a nasty shade of green and its eyes a blazing red.
It stepped inside the door way, having to duck its head to fit. Using one of its huge tentacle-like roots, it slammed the door shut behind it with an ominous bang. It stared into the room with it's giant eyes, sizing up the opposition.
Minerva took a step towards the beast, "S-Stay back! O-or I s-shoot!" she held the blaster up higher.
The monster eggplant roared loudly in the Gryffindor Head of House's face.
"Well! SHOOT IT!" yelled Pomona from behind her.
Minerva aimed for the eggplants eyes and shot the blaster at it. The beast didn't move. "WHAT?" She shot again. If eggplants could laugh, this one would've had a heart attack doing so. If we trust it had a heart, anyway.
"Why doesn't it work?" Yelled Minerva.
She stepped back to the company, who stepped back even further. As they stepped back away from the monster, the floor under then began to shake violently.
"What the crap!" yelled Rolanda, staring at the floor.
Suddenly, another huge, evil eggplant burst out from the floorboards. The company was trapped, big ugly eggplant monsters on both sides.
"Now what, genius!" said Rolanda, elbowing Albus.
For the first time since taking his position at Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Albus Dumbledore didn't have answer.
Suddenly, one of the eggplants lashed out a giant root and lifted Filius into the air. The pipsqueak professor was swung crazily around the room.
"Oh no, you don't!" said Pomona. She ran up and kicked the eggplant where a human crotch would be. Trouble was, eggplants don't have any weakness there. More trouble, their skin is like armor plating.
Instead of the eggplant shrinking back in pain, Pomona ending up hopping around in circles holding her foot. Go figure.
Minerva looked around for a second. There had to be a way out of this mess. She sure as heck wasn't going to go down being eaten by an eggplant. Of all the stupid ways to die, that had to make the top of the list.
Suddenly she saw the answer. The dang 'PURGE THE CASTLE WITH ORANGE SODA' button, of course. Why hadn't she though of that before? Shrugging it off, she slowly made her way closer to the button. Soon, however, the eggplants turned on her! Running to push the button, she shouldered past Albus, knocked over Rolanda, and accidentally punched Severus in the face.
Just as she was within pushing distance, one of the eggplants grabbed her by the end of her robes. "Noooo! Must…Push…Button!" She reached out as far as she could possibly reach for the button. Just as she was about to push it, Filius yelled out from his spot within the roots of the eggplant.
"WAAAIIIITT!"
The entire company, plus the eggplants stared at him.
"You've gotta say something cool first! Like, 'Say Soda!' or, 'Fizz You!' or how about this one, 'Orange-'"
KA-BOOM!
Oh, the woes of a Hogwarts professor. Do you suppose there is a man-eating counterpart to every household vegetable in the wizarding world?
Author's Note: Again, please excuse the weirdness. Half the chapter was written while listening to the song Banana Phone. Have mercy on my soul….
Wait… I have a soul :pokes it: Yay!