(( Ack! Yes, yes, I know, I know. I haven't updated in forever! I've been busy… school is really draining this year. Have mercy on my soul. But I'm back! Ain't you all happy?
And yes, I KNOW I probably should've written this chapter about Flitwick or Dumbledore, but I couldn't get any ideas for a plot… Might you have some? Come on, I'm practically BEGGING here!))
Chapter 6: PIEGIRL!
Rolanda Hooch had never been known for her long attention span. Especially in staff meetings.
Usually whenever she went into the Room of Requirement it was filled with colorful, interesting things, most of them Quidditch related. But not for staff meetings. During them, Albus didn't even bother to give the room any character. It was just a boring, dead, dusty place.
Rolanda tapped her fingers on the desk. She kicked her feet around. She put her head down on the desk. Boring. Finally, Minerva McGonagall nudged her and leaned over to her.
"Ro', will you cut it out!" she whispered sharply, "Unlike you, SOME people are trying to listen!"
Rolanda merely rolled her eyes at her college and turned away. She sensed the meeting nearing its halfway point and turned to Albus, who had yet to stop yapping for about half an hour.
"And so in light of our recent eggplant extermination, you're going to be allowed ten minutes break today to grab some food before we come back to the meeting! The house elves have provided some pie over in the next room for our consumption. Enjoy!"
Ooo! Ten WHOLE minutes? Well, GEEZ! I only killed a bazillion foot tall monster. A ten minutes break is just the PERFECT reward!
Little did Rolanda know how popular the pies would be among the staff, as the entire staff was halfway to the pie room as Albus finished the last word in his sentence. This left her alone in the room with the Transfigurations teacher, who was in the midst of delivering a lecture.
"Ro, I just don't understand you. These meetings are important! You could at least TRY to pay attention!"
Rolanda got up and moved toward the pie room, hoping to shake Minerva and her lectures.
"And another thing…"
The animagus continued on condemning the referee until they reached the pie room. All of the other staff had already gone through and gotten their shares of pie, and despite this there was still plenty of the desert left.
Thank god for these self-restoring plates. How to them Muggles ever survive without them?
Rolanda swooped in on the pies.
"Hmm…..Which should I try first… Apple, Blueberry, Pumpkin… Oh dear, those house elves have really outdone themselves today!" she exclaimed as she examined the many pies.
"How can you even think of eating, with all the pressing issues Albus brought up in the meeting?" Minerva said sternly.
"The same way everyone else can." Said Rolanda, gesturing to the others munching down their food.
Minerva looked disapprovingly at her friend. "I don't remember asking them. I'm asking you. I mean, just think about what would happen if they shut down that cauldron making company!"
Rolanda picked up a nice looking pumpkin pie. "Oh no! NOT THE CAULDRON MAKING COMPANY! What a horrible world!" she pretended to faint, still holding the pie.
Minerva started going off again on another lecture, and Rolanda was in no mood for it.
"Minerva, will you just shut up!"
The other professor continued.
"Min… I MEAN IT!"
She kept going.
"MINERVA MCGONAGOLL!"
She still kept talking.
Rolanda gritting her teeth and unable to take it anymore, promptly took the pumpkin pie and threw it at Minerva, which in turn knocked the professor off her feet and onto the ground. KO'd!
Rolanda's eyes suddenly went wide.
"Ah, crud…"
She looked around frightened. No one else had seen. She silently made to slip out of the pie room and into the hallway. She ran down the corridor and made a few lefts and rights and down a few staircases, heading down to the Quidditch pitch where she could hide out till the heat blew over.
Before she made it down the corridor she heard Severus exclaim,
"WHAT THE CRAP! Someone PIED McGonagall!"
Rolanda ended up staying at the field for the rest of the night, sleeping in her office, in which she had a ready made collapsible bed. This wasn't the first time Rolanda had gotten herself into this much trouble and had to steak out in her office.
She got up early and snuck into the castle. It was a little more then fifteen minutes until breakfast. Rolanda tried to walk through the castle casually.
Was it just her, or was it emptier then usual? She turned a corner and almost ran straight into a small Ravenclaw student, who was carrying a huge stack of papers. Newspapers.
Rolanda gave the student an odd look, and then walked by without much thought. Behind her, the student cleared his throat and held up one of the papers.
"EXTRA, EXTRA! Read all about it! McGonagall Gets Pied At Staff Meeting! Culprit At Large! School Trembles in Fear! Giant Lobsters Attack Hagrid!"
At once, the corridor came to life. Students swamped the newspaper boy to get a copy of the paper, nothing this interesting had happened in months. Rolanda had meanwhile pressed herself against the wall, trying not to be knocked over by stampeding kids, and not making eye contact with anyone, paranoid as she was about being caught.
Oh, crud…What've I done! Now it's school wide news! If I get caught I can kiss my job goodbye!
Rolanda was in the midst of despairing mentally, when she overheard a conversation between a couple students as they passed by.
"…You know, this is really cool! I mean, it's about time someone showed McGonagall what for! I totally hope whoever it was does it again!"
Rolanda watched the students file out of the corridor with their newspapers. Once she was alone, she picked a discarded copy from the floor.
Just then the Hooch got an idea. The Hooch got a wonderful, awful, idea.
LATER THAT DAY…
Stupid double potions classes…
Severus Snape was busily scrawling out directions to a complicated potion on the blackboard.
When these kids give me a heart attack THEN that old coot will be sorry. When I slap him in the face with a lawsuit that is! MUAHAHAHA!
He turned around and was about to address the class when the door bust open with a loud crash.
"BOOM BABY!" shouted a figure in the doorway.
The figure stepped foreword into the classroom. Students looked at it almost frightened. The character was clad in superhero tights, orange and blue with a large pie emblem across the chest. The figure also wore a mask, making recognition impossible.
"WHAT THE CRAP!" yelled Severus, taking in the spectacle before him.
The figure walked towards him with a dramatic pace. "I heard that YOU are giving too much homework, Mr. Snape! I heard that you've been harassing the Gryffindors! I heard, that it's about time for REVENGE!"
The character clapped her hands together. "CRACKATOA!"
In a blinding flash of light a rather large pie appeared in her hands.
"HASTA LA VESTA, BABY!"
In a swift gesture the figure threw the pie right at a very stunned Severus with a pitch worthy of professional baseball. The pie splatted right into his face, knocking him backwards over his desk onto the floor. KO'd!
The figure turned back to the class just as loud cheers filled the room and bowed appropriately at the right moments. Once the applause had died down enough one student stood up and addressed the character.
"Excuse me but, who are you?"
The figure turned to face him. "I am known by many things, but here I shall be known as PIEGIRL!"
Piegirl made a dramatic stance.
"PIEGIRL, AWAY!" She ran out of the room with these words of wisdom and disappeared through the door, amongst more cheering from the room of students.
Over the next few weeks Piegirl made many appearances. The Hogwarts newspaper captured the scene well.
"EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! Masked Hero Throws Pie In Herbology! Eggplants Eat Dumbledore's Socks! Piegirl Creams Flitwick! Piegirl Runs Amuck! Piegirl Hailed As School Hero! Students Rejoice! McGonagall's On The Warpath, Claims Piegirl is A Deatheater! Dumbledore Proves That One Plus One is Fish!"
Rolanda Hooch flipped through a newspaper as she walked down the hall, smiling smugly.
"I am a genius!" she mused aloud quietly. "This Piegirl thing is really working in my favor! I've finally found a way to hit Sev and not get fired!"
She walked by a rather loudmouthed student and overheard a snippet of a conversation.
"Man, I hope Piegirl comes to the Christmas dinner tonight! It'd be awesome if she pied Dumbledore!"
Rolanda stopped in her tracks.
Of course! Dumbledore! The only one I haven't got yet! Oh, yes yes yes! Tonight is perfect!
"I assure you… Piegirl will be coming to dinner…" She whispered softly to herself.
Rolanda turned a corner and spotted Minerva McGonagall and Pomona Sprout whispering to each other softly in the deserted corridor. Interested, Rolanda ducked back around the corner and listened attentively.
"…She'll never see it coming! Professor of the year award, she'll practically FAINT!" said Minerva.
"You bet! I can't believe we've been able to keep it secret so long, what with her nosiness and all." Grinned Pomona.
"Yep, Ro' is going to be a happy witch tonight!"
Rolanda's eyes went wide. She was going to get the Professor of The Year Award!
"Wowsers…" she whispered.
Every year a professor is chosen for the award and it was always given out at Christmas dinner.
But…Ah, no fair! This is the most PERFECT time to get ol' Dumbledore!... But that award… Hmmm….
She leaned back against the wall.
There's gotta be a way to do both…
LATER THAT EVENING…
Most of the students had assembled in the Great Hall. Dinner was about to begin. Rolanda sat in her seat, tapping her fingers on the table impatiently.
Come on… Come on… Start the feast already…
The award was always given out at the very end of the feast, which meant Rolanda would be able to pie Dumbledore right after the feast started, and then be herself again at the end to accept the award, that gave the old coot plenty of time to clean up before the presentation, but just enough time for the school paper to get the perfect story.
Her plan was flawless.
Finally, Albus stood up to address the school, with his same old boring speech, of which only Minerva seemed to enjoy.
Once the school finally was able to go for the food, Rolanda stood up and made to leave.
"Where are ya goin' Ro', feast's jus' started!" said Pomona, stuffing her face as she spoke.
"Err….Bathroom…" said Rolanda.
Pomona shrugged and returned to her food.
Rolanda snuck down the corridor to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, the only place she could as assured that no one would find her, aside from Myrtle anyway, but she didn't count.
Rolanda ran in and locked herself in, as she quickly started to pull on the Piegirl costume.
Myrtle wasn't in the room, which Rolanda thought odd, but then cast it aside. That was one less bothersome idiot she'd have to deal with, so she wasn't complaining. After a few minutes the costume was completely. Rolanda pulled on her mask as she made for the door.
"Showtime!"
Inside the Great Hall, the festivities continued. Some students mused their hopes that Piegirl would appear to cause some mayhem, while others, mostly professors, prayed that the masked menace stay away.
At a calculated moment, Piegirl burst through the double door entrance of the Great Hall. Instantly, silence filled the hall.
"AHOY, HOGWARTS!" she pointed to the ceiling and the end of a rope fell down to her. Jumping up on it, she swung over the tables Tarzan style. She reached the staff table and jumped down in front of it.
"CRACKATOA!" she yelled, clapping her hands together as a blinding light concealed the arrival of a huge blueberry pie.
"I've saved the biggest pie for YOU, Dumbledore!" she yelled.
With a huge warwhoop, she slammed the pie into the headmaster's face. The splattered everywhere. Blueberry filling covered every square inch of space from Albus to Severus.
"PIEGIRL, AWAY!" yelled the hero, as she turned around.
But twas here where our poor Rolanda made a slight miscalculation.
As she made this swift turn, Piegirl slipped on the pie which she herself had painted the floor with. Shrieking, she hit the floor with a loud thump.
Piegirl sat up groaning, that floor wasn't exactly soft. She glanced around. Everyone in the Great Hall was staring at her with wide eyes. Confused, she stood up and shifted ran a hand through her short grey hair.
Waitt a second……HOLY HAMSTERS! WHERE'S MY MASK!
Piegirl had been unmasked.
"WHAT THE CRAP!" yelled Severus.
The school paper, once again, told the story real well.
"EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! Hooch Discovered To Be Piegirl! McGonagall Attempts to Strangle Hooch! Hooch Forced to Camp Out on The Chandelier For the Rest of The Night! Hooch Forced to Bake Three-Hundred Pies By Angry House Elf Corporation! Hooch Burns Kitchen Down! I Like Pudding!"
Oh the woes of a Hogwarts professor… Do you wonder why all Snape said in this chapter was, "What The Crap?"...