Chapter 02 - A Thankless Task

When Remus awoke in the morning, he didn't really feel any better than he had the previous evening. His head was still throbbing with pain, and to say he was well rested would have been ridiculous. Moreover, he just had to think of the events of the night to make him feel angry again.

He dressed slowly, trying to move his aching head as little as possible, and while he tried to concentrate on the question of how much breakfast he'd need to prepare for everyone who would come this morning, he couldn't help but think about Severus.

When he had been sitting on Severus's bed, gently rocking him and making comforting noises, he had almost forgotten whom he was holding. For whatever reason, it didn't matter so much that this was Severus, the man who would always make nasty remarks at Remus's cost, the man who never missed a chance to ridicule him. Severus had clutched his pyjamas for dear life, shivering and sobbing so hard he was struggling for breath. Remus's only thought had been to soothe him, to make him feel safe – as it had been with Sirius during far too many similar incidents.

Something must have happened, Remus mused, to upset Severus like this. But what? Severus had just returned from a Death Eater's meeting, Remus knew that much. Now that he thought about it, Remus suddenly remembered Severus as he'd sat in the kitchen: pale, exhausted - although he'd tried to hide it – staring down at his empty glass with a numb expression. Remus had been far too angry to acknowledge it, but with hindsight, it made him shudder. How would it be to be a spy in Voldemort's rows? To see people being tortured and killed…to have to do it yourself? How could you cope with the horror, the guilt? How had Severus managed to do it?

Eventually, the sobs and the shaking had subsided, but Remus had still held Severus for some minutes, feeling that he needed this silent comfort. He hadn't truly thought about what would happen next, but if he had, he should have realised that all of this had been a bad idea from the start.

"Mother…" he had heard Severus whisper, and he'd hardly had time to wonder about it, because suddenly he'd heard a shocked yelp and found himself lying next to the bed, his back aching where it had hit the wooden floor. Looking up, he had seen Severus, who'd been standing on the opposite site of the bed, eyes blazing with fury.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Room," Severus had hissed through gritted teeth. There had been such hate in his eyes and voice that Remus had done as he was told without looking back once.

As a result of this he hadn't been able to get to sleep for about two hours, mulling over the incident over and over again. It had been four in the morning when he'd finally fallen asleep, two hours before the alarm-clock woke him.

Remus sighed and shook his head as he went down to the kitchen to make breakfast. There was no point in wracking his brain over it now.

.-.-.-.-.-.

Severus couldn't make himself get up. Instead, he lay in bed, staring at the blotchy ceiling as if there were a particularly interesting painting to marvel at. He didn't want to go downstairs and face the werewolf. It was too embarrassing. He must have forgotten to cast a Silencing Charm on the room last night, being too absorbed in thought, too tired, too depressed.

He'd fallen asleep quickly and at some point started dreaming. He must have screamed, Severus thought, loud enough so that Lupin had heard him in his room down the corridor. Lupin had probably believed there was an intruder and entered his room – Severus could follow that train of thought.

But why had Lupin cared once he'd realised what was happening? Why hadn't he just shaken Severus awake or simply left without doing anything? Severus couldn't think of any reason why anybody would do this. Why should Lupin have wanted to help him?

.-.-.-.-.

At eight o'clock the first members of the Order, Tonks and Kingsley Shacklebolt, arrived, followed by Mad-Eye Moody, Mundungus Fletcher – who, as always, smelt as if he'd spent the night in a skip – and Emmeline Vance. At half past nine Molly and Arthur Weasley turned up, bringing all their children – except Percy – plus Harry and Hermione, who had spent the last week of the holidays at The Burrow. Finally, at eleven o'clock, the Order was complete.

Each and every one of them had rung the doorbell.

The meeting had been summoned for half past eleven, and now, five minutes before that time, only Severus was still absent. Remus was about to fetch him – feeling rather uneasy, after all – when in a whirl of robes Severus finally rushed into the living room. He looked horrible: dark circles under the black eyes stood out against his pale skin, his hair was hanging down in greasy streaks, his mouth was twisted in an angry grimace. During the whole meeting he only spoke when it was his turn to report what he had found out as spy in the rows of the Death Eaters, but since there was hardly anything new, this took only about five minutes, after which he again fell into brooding silence.

Remus didn't quite know how to behave towards him, but it seemed obvious that Severus was in a foul mood, so he decided to pretend that nothing had happened at all. That wasn't difficult, because Severus completely ignored him, addressing himself straight to Dumbledore. Even when the meeting had ended, he wouldn't talk to anyone, but immediately left the room.

.-.-.-.-.

After dinner, Albus was sitting in a large arm-chair in the study, staring into the lively fire. A little while ago, he'd had a talk with Severus – or rather he had been the one talking while Severus had said as little as possible, scowling and obviously wanting to be left alone.

Albus sighed. He was worried sick about Severus, but he had no idea what to do about it. He didn't know exactly how Severus was thinking about this, but he himself had always had paternal feelings towards him, worrying about his future when he had turned to darkness, being relieved beyond imagination when he had decided to return to the light. Severus's life had not been easy since then, but now...

I should have prevented him from doing this,' he thought.

Severus had volunteered, yes, but shouldn't Albus have prevented it by any means possible instead of letting him go and face things which might destroy him, the danger being as much a psychological as a physical one?

He put his head in his hands. 'If only he would talk to me… anyone. I'm sure it would help him if he weren't alone with this burden.'

His thoughts were interrupted when suddenly the door opened and someone came in.

"Oh, Albus, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"Remus, no, please stay," he replied, knowing that it wouldn't help him to brood over this matter now. There was nothing he could do.

"You look as if you'd been thinking about something," Remus said, sitting down in another armchair by the fireside.

Albus didn't answer for a while. He'd never shared his worries about Severus with anybody – it was too private and would have been too great a breach of trust. But during the last weeks and months, he'd felt increasingly concerned and helpless. Severus would break under the stress he was under at some point, and then what? If it happened at the wrong moment, he might be in mortal danger.

"You're right," Albus replied in the end. "In fact, I'm worried about Severus. I don't believe anyone has noticed, but he's been looking worse and worse these last weeks. And I had a talk with him just an hour ago. I believe his task is asking too much of him, although he'd never admit it."

As he said it, Albus noticed Remus frown thoughtfully, almost as if this wasn't news to him.

"Tell me, have you noticed anything unusual about him lately?" he asked, assuming there was something behind it.

Remus seemed to hesitate, shrugging uncomfortably.

"Remus, please, if you know anything, tell me, I'm seriously worried. No, I'm scared if you want the truth. I'm scared something might happen to him sooner rather than later."

This seemed to cause Remus to make up his mind, because he nodded. "Yes, there has been something rather . . . odd."

While listening to Remus giving an account of the events of the night, Albus's worries actually increased.

He told me the nightmares had ceased years ago! And I believed him, fool that I am! If only I could DO something! But he'd attend Death Eater meetings every day rather than talk to me, I'm sure.'

Remus had finished by now, but it took Albus several minutes to collect his thoughts.

"Thank you," he finally said in a low voice. "I'm glad to know about it, although it only confirms my worries."

For a couple of minutes, neither of the two men spoke, but just sat in their chairs and listened to the crackle of the fire. Eventually, Albus raised his head and found himself looking directly into Remus's eyes. Hardly repressed concern was flickering in these eyes. Concern for Severus, Albus realised. He smiled inwardly. Remus was so kind-hearted that he would worry about anyone of them who was in difficulties, even if this person was Severus.

Considering what he had learnt from Remus some minutes ago, a sudden idea came to his mind. He wasn't the right person for Severus to confide in about this matter. Although he was the nearest thing to a father Severus had ever had, there was a barrier between them that they'd never been able to overcome.

He wasn't sure if Remus could do anything, but at least he seemed to share Albus's worries.

"Remus," he began, "I'd like to ask something of you."

"Of course, what is it?"

"Don't be rash, you don't even know what it is I'd like you to do," Albus said sternly.

Remus looked startled. "Whatever it is, I'm sure you won't ask me to do anything you wouldn't do yourself," he finally replied.

"No, you're right. And I would do it myself if I could, believe me. I would like for you to keep an eye on Severus. I know it is asking much," Albus quickly added as he saw Remus opening his mouth to say something. "But as I said, I can't do it myself. I'm very concerned about him, but he won't let me help. He never has." He paused, then continued. "I don't have to tell you how vital he is for our plans. Without him . . . if he gets discovered, I doubt we'll be able to infiltrate the Death Eaters with a better spy. But that isn't the worst thing about it – think of what they'd do with him."

Remus's expression grew dark, and Albus knew he understood perfectly.

"Severus needs all the support he can get to get through this. I know it's a thankless task, but I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think it was necessary and if there were anybody else to do it. Just keep an eye on him, spend some time with him. And if he is willing to accept your help, then please, don't deny it."

.-.-.-.-.-.

Just like the last evening, Remus was unable to fall asleep. It was half past eleven by now, and he had gone to bed at about nine o'clock in order to sleep enough so the mad dwarf in his head, who seemed to be obsessed with playing the tambourine, would be gone when he awoke in the morning. Unfortunately, his thoughts would not let him sleep but again and again trailed off to one certain matter – or rather, one certain person. Severus.

Severus hadn't left his room again; he hadn't attended dinner and even had refused the meat loaf and mashed potatoes Molly had brought him, not even responding to her knocking at his door.

Remus sighed, failing in his efforts to find a reasonably comfortable position in bed. Was Severus also lying awake, brooding over the same things, he wondered. And if he was able to sleep tonight, would he dream again? Of course, tonight Severus would have cast a Silencing Charm on his room – by the way, why had he not done it last night? – and then a bomb could explode in his room without anyone hearing it.

"I can hardly go and check on him," Remus mumbled, half annoyed that he was suddenly so concerned about Severus.

But although he disliked him, he still didn't fancy the idea of Severus being in pain or even in mortal danger. Remus had never cared to think much about what would happen if Severus were to be discovered, but the talk with Albus had opened his eyes.

Still, Remus and Severus weren't on friendly terms. Try to befriend him as Albus had suggested . . . Severus would laugh at him. Why had Albus approached Remus of all people with this task? Severus had no reason to trust him.

And, more importantly, why on earth had Remus agreed? The whole affair was going to be very complicated and unpleasant, this he knew for sure. They couldn't stand each other, and it would only end up in disaster.

And yet… he couldn't forget the strange numb expression on Severus's face, or the sympathy that he'd felt last night. He could have walked away after making sure there was no immediate danger, leave Severus to his dreams. But it wouldn't have been right – and that was the crux of the matter. If there was nobody else to do it, it wouldn't be right to walk away from the task Albus had given him, Remus had known it as soon as Albus had asked, and that had been the only reason he had agreed to it.

However things would develop, he decided, he would do what he could.