Chapter 05 – More Than Friends

Remus was sitting in his wing-chair by the fireside, a glass of wine in his hand. It was already a quarter past eight, and Snape had not shown up yet, nor sent a note to call off their appointment off. To a certain degree, Remus was disappointed, but more than that, he was relieved. He highly doubted he would have been able to handle Snape this evening, as he had not been able to get his thoughts off Sirius.

Sirius. Soft melancholy engulfed him as he visualised the man he had known so long ago. Not the haggard, careworn convict of the last years, but the tall, sanguine, breathtaking Sirius of their youth. Sirius, whose jet-black hair would hum in light; Sirius, whose eyes would always sparkle with vitality; Sirius, whose rascally smile would never fail in its effect on Remus, convincing him against his better judgement to take part in any kind of mischief Sirius or James had figured out.

Sometimes things had gone too far, though.

'Especially when he considered it a good idea to make Snape follow us and almost get killed.'

He brushed the thought aside. He did not want to think of Snape right now, not in connection with Sirius. He could not allow anything to tarnish the memory of his friend, not now. Irrational as it was – for of course he knew Sirius had not been all noble – Remus sometimes felt the need to draw this picture of him in his mind.

He had been so afraid to go to school, for he knew that most people feared and hated werewolves and he would have a very hard time if anyone except for the teachers ever found out about him. So he had been extremely shy and careful in his behaviour towards his fellow students, always on his guard in order not to arise suspicion.

It had been great to live among so many children, though, since he had never known anyone of his age. His family had tried to protect him, he knew, but the price he had had to pay was loneliness, even though his parents and grandfather had always shown him how much they loved him.

Loneliness had been his faithful companion – until he had become friends with James, Sirius and Peter. Although Remus had needed some time to open up, the other boys' carefree and companionable attitude had soon shown its effect on him, and it had not taken long since they had become an inseparable quartet, causing as much trouble as they could without getting expelled.

The four of them had been friends, but with Sirius… with Sirius it had been… special…

"Remus?" the second-year Gryffindor heard a familiar voice whisper. "Remus, what's wrong with you?"

The boy wanted to answer, but instead of the intended "Everything's fine, don't worry," even more pitiful sobs escaped his throat.

"Remus…" He felt someone sit down next to him on his bed, then felt a small hand resting on his back. The other boy waited silently until Remus could stop crying, and when he finally sat up and turned round he saw that it was Sirius, who was watching him closely.

"Remus, are you okay, can I help you?"

"No…" Remus whispered, hanging his head. "No, it's nothing…" He felt so stupid, having been caught in crying his eyes out over something which was not even true. "It's just…you know," he paused for a moment, "…sometimes I feel so… so lonely." There. It was out.

"Lonely…" Sirius repeated thoughtfully.

"Yeah, I know, it's stupid, because we've been friends for a year now, and… and it's not that I don't like being with you guys, you know…" Remus sputtered, wincing at the thought that he just had told one of his friends he felt lonely… even with them being around. That was not how a good friend was supposed to feel, after all. "So in fact I'm not lonely, because I've got you three… but anyway, sometimes it's just like… oh it's silly, isn't it…"

"Just stop it," Sirius interrupted. Remus fell quiet immediately. What would Sirius think of him now?

"I… I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No need for that."

Remus' head snapped up to face his friend.

"You've never been much around children, have you?" Sirius asked softly.

Remus shook his head no.

"It's really great to have friends," Sirius continued, "But it's not enough. I know this, because I've always had friends… and sometimes I feel… lonely, too."

"Even now, with James and Peter and all the other Gryffindors around?" Remus asked, eyes wide with disbelief. He had always thought this was something only he would feel… something coming along with his… differentness. Something wrong, something bad even.

"Yes," the other boy replied. "I like them a lot, but still… I'm missing something. You see, when I was seven, I had a friend, Michael. We were… more than just friends. I would tell him everything, and he would tell me everything in return. And we… we would understand each other. It was… special. And it was just between the two of us." He stopped, and Remus was not sure, but the thought he had heard a muffled sob from the other boy's direction.

Remus noticed that his friend was shivering with cold and lifted the blanket. Sirius crawled under it and lay down next to him.

"When I was nine, he… he died. I don't know what disease he had but… it killed him quickly." Remus had to listen carefully, for Sirius's whisper was barely audible. "I… I miss him," Sirius continued. "I miss someone… someone who'll listen to me… someone who just understands… someone I can feel belongs to me…"

This time it was Remus' turn to wait until the other boy had calmed down. While he was waiting, holding Sirius's hand, which he had seized by the time his friend had begun crying, his mind raced. 'It was special… Someone who just understands, someone I can feel belongs to me…' That was exactly what he longed for, he realised. And it was good to know he was not the only one.

For some time they just lay there in silence, hands still intertwined. Finally, Remus asked "Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"I think… what you said… it's how I feel, too. I want… someone special."

Again, silence engulfed the boys.

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you're here, you know."

"I… um… thanks…" Remus did not know what to say. No one, except his parents, had ever told him something like this. "It's great to know you, too."

"Don't you think we could be, you know, special to one another?"

Remus's breath caught. Sirius wanted him? He really wanted him to be special to him, to be the one he could confide in, the one who belonged to him? He could not believe it.

"But what about James? I always thought the two of you were best friends," he answered. Surely Sirius simply had not thought the whole thing through, but now he had mentioned it, he would realise James to be the better choice.

"Yeah, we are, but… it's different." Sirius answered. "I don't think he needs… this. He's always happy, it seems. And I… I'm not. And I don't think he understands…" the other boy trailed off, but he did not have to go on.

Remus turned round to look into his friend's eyes. "I do," he whispered, his heart hammering against his ribs. "Do you really want me?"

"Yeah, really," Sirius answered, smiling.

"Oh." It was still difficult to believe.

"So what? Deal?"

"I… yes, deal." Remus felt as if someone had lit a fire inside his chest. Not only did he have friends, no, now he had someone who was more than a friend. Someone special.

"Remus… can I… can I stay? I don't want to sleep alone tonight," he heard Sirius ask tentatively.

"Sure," Remus replied, still stunned. "I don't want to be alone, either."

"Thanks."

Remus felt the other boy shifting in bed as he tried to find a comfortable position. He closed his eyes. It felt good to have his friend so close, to know someone was here with him.

"Good night, Sirius," he whispered.

"G'night, Remus," came the answer.

And soon both boys were fast asleep, unconsciously snuggling against each other, a smile playing on their lips.

From this night on it had been special, Remus thought, raising his glass to take a sip of wine.

They still had lots of fun with James and Peter, and the Marauders still made an inseparable quartet, but what developed between the two of them was stronger, and it was different. When one of them would be sad, the other one would know without being told. Sometimes, one of them would crawl into the other's bed, because he felt lonely at night, and sometimes one of them would cry without a reason, and the other one would understand.

There was one thing he had never been able to tell, though, and he had often felt it was unfair towards Sirius not to be entirely truthful. But he could not bring himself to reveal his dirty secret, for that was what he had thought it to be. And he had been afraid, because if he ever found out, certainly Sirius would not want to be friends with a beast like him anymore.

'How wrong I was…' Remus thought with a smile.

Sirius, of course, had been the one who found out about him, and instead of turning from him he had come up with the idea the three of them should become animagi to keep him company while he was a wolf.

"What else are friends there for?" he had asked, a bright smile spreading across his face, and James and Peter had nodded, "Yeah, he's right."

It had been the happiest day in Remus's life. They were real friends, who would not turn from him because he was different. No, they really wanted to help him.

Later, when he and Sirius were lying in his bed, Remus whispered "Sirius? Does… I mean, it doesn't change anything, does it? Between the two of us?"

He felt the other boy turn round and knew without opening his eyes that Sirius was looking at him.

"Don't be stupid," his friend answered. "Why should it change anything?"

"It's just because… I wasn't honest with you... I didn't tell you." He opened his eyes and looked at Sirius's dark form next to him. "I was afraid…" he murmured ashamedly. "I didn't want you to know, because I was afraid you wouldn't want to be friends if you knew. I'm an idiot…"

Still speaking, Remus suddenly felt arms wrapping around him. "It's all right," he heard Sirius say. "Have you forgotten we're more than friends? You're not different to me now. You're still my Remus… you still belong to me."

"But how can you… I mean… I wasn't honest with you, and I thought you wouldn't like me anymore… it makes it look like I have a low opinion of you… and you just say it's all right…" Remus could not believe he was forgiven that easily.

"Shush, stupid boy," Sirius whispered, still hugging him tightly. "You needn't explain, and you needn't apologise… I understand."

Their friendship had become even deeper from that point on… and then, one night at the end of their sixth year, it had become so much more than Remus had ever dared to hope for.

The man in the wing-chair put his glass aside and slowly brought one hand up to his cheek. His eyes were closed, and there was a soft glow of red on his cheeks. Suddenly he almost looked young, despite the greying hair and the tired face which spoke of silent sorrow. As long as he lived he would never forget that first night.

"G'night, Sirius," Remus murmured, snuggling into his friend's sheets. When he had been sure the other boys were asleep, he had gotten up and scurried towards Sirius's bed. His friend had still been awake and without a word had lifted the blanket, smiling at him warmly. Sometimes Remus felt ashamed that he still needed someone to sleep with him at certain nights, but Sirius did never give him the feeling of being unwanted or babyish. Most of all because sometimes Sirius needed the same.

"Good night, Remus," he heard him answer, and then, all of a sudden, he felt a soft kiss being brushed on his left cheek. His eyes sprung open, and he saw the form of his friend bending over him.

For some moments, none of the two spoke, but finally Sirius broke the silence.

"Do you remember that night in our second year?" he asked.

Remus nodded. Of course he did, but what did it have to do with this?

"We promised we would be special to one another, we would belong to one another…"

Yes, and so they did, didn't they? What was Sirius getting at? Remus was confused. Then a suggestion occurred to him. Maybe… maybe Sirius meant… but no, it could not be what he hoped for. It would be asking too much.

"It's only that…" his friend hesitated. "Promise you won't laugh at me!"

"I promise." Remus was even more confused. Why should he laugh at Sirius? Did he not know him better than that?

"Well, you see… I want it to be… more. More than friends… even more than special friends."

Remus was stunned. He must have misheard.

"Remus? I… damn, I'm sounding stupid…" Sirius trailed off, then began again. "I think, you know, I think I don't like girls but guys, and I think… I think I fancy… you," he sputtered. "No, that's wrong…"

Remus was totally confused by now. First, Sirius said he wanted them to be more than friends and that he fancied him, and now…

"I don't fancy you… I… I love you," Sirius whispered.

Remus's head went totally blank. Only Sirius's words were echoing through his mind over and over again. 'I love you.'

He must be dreaming, yes, there was no other explanation. Only in a dream would what he had secretly longed for for almost a year come true.

"Remus?" he heard Sirius ask in a worried voice. "Remus, I… I can understand if you don't want to stay here now…"

"No…" he finally whispered. "No… I want to stay. But tell me this isn't a dream… because if it's a dream I want to know, so I won't be disappointed when I awake and it's not true."

"It's not a dream. At least I thought so until now… but… but now I'm not sure anymore…" He heard Sirius take a deep breath. "Does this mean… do you like me, too?"

"Yes," Remus answered, taking hold of the other boy's hand. "Or no… I… I love you, too. I've loved you for almost a year…"

Their first kiss had been shy and awkward, but it had not mattered. The only thing that mattered was that they belonged together, and it made every touch, every kiss, so wonderful, so precious. Before they finally had fallen asleep, Remus resting in Sirius's arms, they had promised each other to never let the other down, no matter what would happen in the future.

"We'll always be friends, right?" Sirius had asked.

"Yes," Remus had whispered, repeating the words his friend had used four years ago. "More than friends. I'll tell you everything, and you'll tell me everything in return. And we'll understand. It will be special."

Remus slowly lowered his hand. The warmth was gone, and gone was the red glow on his cheeks. "I miss you… miss you so very much…" he whispered, melancholy giving way to the usual black despair at the knowledge that he had forever lost his lover.

When it had seemed that Sirius had betrayed them all, Remus had not thought there could be anything worse. He could not imagine there could be a pain even more cruel than the knowledge of his love being a traitor, a Death Eater, responsible for his own best friend's death. But he had been wrong.

"Sirius…" Remus said, not knowing how to begin this conversation, not knowing how to say what could not longer stay unspoken.

Tentatively, he made some steps towards the chair his friend was sitting in. Arriving at his side, Remus stopped, looking down on Sirius, who had not answered, nor moved at all.

"Sirius… we need to talk." That was quite true. They had not talked once since Sirius had arrived at Grimmauld Place, and that had been one week ago. One long, endless week, in which Sirius seemed to do everything to avoid him.

Sirius looked up at him but still did not say a single word. Remus's heart clutched with pain at the sight he was presented with. He had seen his friend that way at the end of his year as teacher at Hogwarts, but it had been far too short a time to get used to his new appearance. And he did not seem to have recovered much since then. Still he was haggard and pale, still his hair was hanging down in untidy streaks, and his eyes… his eyes were burning with the same intensity as the fire he had been staring into, and it was not the vitality that had shone from them in the past but something else, something which scared Remus more than he wanted to admit.

"It's not easy, for any of us", he continued, struggling to find the right words. "But I think we… we need to clarify the… situation. You know, I…" it was so very hard to go on, so hard to let things come to life again that he had buried years ago. "I still… still love you…" he finally brought out.

Sirius merely kept staring at him.

A minute went by. And another one. Every breath was too hard, every heartbeat too painful.

"I… can't."

A whisper, two small words, barely audible, almost going under in the crackle of the fire… but strong enough to make Remus feel every hope which had reluctantly built up during the last months wither and fade away.

"Why…?"

Sirius must have heard the loss and the pain in his voice, must have noticed how much he had hurt his friend, for he sunk his head, staring into the fire once more.

"You can't imagine how it is… how it was… to be there, with them… to feel how everything is taken from you…" he murmured. "Every hope, every small light beam that is shining into your soul… every love…"

Suddenly he looked up at Remus, his eyes full of unshed tears. "You know, it wasn't only my Animagus form and the thought of Harry that kept me sane… it was you, too. I knew… I knew if I was ever free again, you would be there… you'd forgive me for suspecting you... you would believe me… and be there for me…" he paused to gather himself. "And now… now I'm free, and we're here… and I should be happy. It's just that… I can't. I can't do it."

Remus knelt down beside the chair. "What? What can't you do?" he asked softly, trying not to burst into tears himself at seeing the man he loved suffer like this.

"I… I can't… love," Sirius whispered. "I mean, I do love Harry, because I'm his godfather, and he's James's son… and he's a great boy. And I do… I do love you, in a way. I love you for everything we have been to each other, for everything we shared… and because you believe me and you're here, with me… But… there's nothing more. There's nothing I could give you… I… oh, I can't explain it…" he trailed off, breathing shallowly and obviously painfully.

"Shhh… don't," Remus tried to soothe, taking hold of his friend's arm. "You don't have to explain."

"Yes, I have to!" Sirius insisted. "I want you to know. I… I want you to understand it's not your fault." He paused, taking a shaky breath. "I'm so sorry… but… there's nothing left… they took it all from me, everything they could get. The longer it took the more difficult was it to hold on to the positive things… and bit by bit I lost them… almost all of them. Finally, there was only Harry, and you… my most precious memories. But… I didn't have the strength to protect them, I couldn't save… my feelings, not as they had been. I just couldn't hold on to them… and when I escaped… I don't know if you can understand it… but I try, you must believe me… I want to love you… I really try, but I can't… I'm feeling so crumpled inside, so… dead…as if there wasn't left enough of me to really live. I'm just not strong enough to… to love you. Not the way you deserve it. I… I'm not sure if I'll be able to love ever again…" his voice died away, just slowly enough to let Remus hear the last words "…or to feel alive for a single second…"

The next thing Remus could remember was that he was sitting on the carpet in front of the fire, cradling his crying friend in his arms, murmuring soft nonsense into his ear and rubbing his back soothingly, while his own hot tears ran down his cheeks unnoticed.

After a while Sirius had calmed down, but he did not pull back, and Remus did not let go of him either.

"Can… can we still be friends?" Sirius finally whispered, his voice trembling ever so slightly as he looked up into hazel eyes.

"Yes," Remus answered, brushing aside the pain that was surging up again. "Of course we can. Don't you remember? We promised we would never let each other down, no matter what would happen."

"Yes… I remember…"

"So you see, we will be friends. More than friends. I'll tell you everything, and you'll tell me everything in return. And we'll understand. It will be special." He managed to speak in a soothing tone, repeating the old words of their promise which had become an evocation of the past, promising something he knew would never be the same again.

But it did not fail in its effect on Sirius, who closed his eyes and again rested his head against Remus' chest. They did not move for a long time, and when they finally let go of each other, Remus smiled and for the first time put on the mask he needed to wear in order to be able to care for his friend, as he had promised he would do.

Some tears crept down Remus's cheeks. Again, he had thought there could be nothing worse. Nothing could happen that would hurt more than living with the man he loved and not being allowed to love him in order not to break him more than he already was. He knew it would have destroyed Sirius if he had let him see how much he was suffering from the situation. So he had pretended to resign himself to it, had been there whenever his friend had needed him and had felt himself die slowly from within, carefully hiding every sign of his decay from the one he loved.

'I was wrong again…' he thought with a bitter smile. Had anyone told him that he would wish back this time he would have declared him mad. 'But now… I wouldn't mind if he didn't love me, wouldn't mind if he even didn't like me. If only he were alive…

Suddenly, a knocking on the door startled Remus from his thoughts.

"Lupin? Are you at home? It's me. Snape."