Chapter 08- Explanations
It was the worst of all possible questions, and Remus knew it the very instant he asked it. As he looked at the headmaster, who was sitting in the visitors' chair by now, he could practically see the weight the latter was bearing on his shoulders. He was looking very old and very exhausted, and his usually twinkling blue eyes looked back sadly at the younger man.
"I'm sorry, Albus, I didn't mean to -"
"No, you do not have to apologise," Albus interrupted in a low voice. "I keep asking myself the very same question since the first day he again undertook this task."
Albus knew exactly what his younger colleague had seen in the pensieve, because he had taken a look into it before Remus's visit. Most of the memories he had only skimmed, knowing them by heart after years of watching over his Potions Master. Moreover, they never became easier to bear, no matter how often he saw them. In fact, quite the contrary was the case. Sometimes they would follow him into his dreams, asking him in reproachful voices how he could ever have allowed this to happen. Why had he not taken better care of his spy? His child… if not by blood, then by heart. Or soul.
And now, after Voldemort's return, there were new memories in the pensieve. A new one every time the arch-fiend of the Wizarding world would summon his followers, every time Lucius Malfoy would catch Severus after the meeting. As he had done today.
'Just like the good old times.' Still some part of Albus's mind was resounding with Malfoy's words, and still he could see Severus, motionless, his eyes behind the mask blank with fear at the other man's touch.
"Albus? Are you alright?" The younger man's concerned voice startled him from his thoughts.
"Yes," he answered, bracing himself. "Do not worry about me. I was… thinking." He focussed on his younger colleague, who was looking at him inquiringly. "I think I now owe you some explanations."
Although his mind was still a whirling chaos and he hardly found enough self-control to calm down, Remus wiped his tears off and tried to concentrate on the old wizard, who was waiting patiently for him to be ready to listen.
"First of all," the headmaster began, "be ensured that I would never have done this if I had not felt it to be the last way out. I do not make it a habit of mine to betray the trust that people bestow upon me. This, however, was necessary, while hard, and I will explain you everything from the beginning.
"You know that Severus changed sides about a year before Voldemort's downfall. He came to me and offered his service as a spy, knowing that he could not simply quit his master's service without being hunted and, most likely, getting killed. I offered to grant him asylum at Hogwarts, one of the few places Voldemort was unable to gain access to. Of course, it would be a great service to our cause if he became a spy, I thought, but I noticed how much he suffered from what he had done during the time in Voldemort's service, and as a spy he would have to continue taking part in torturing and murdering innocent people.
"Severus, however, refused my offer. He wanted to do something for our side instead of merely hide and wait. He wanted to be useful, and I accepted this wish. I do not think I would have done so if I had known that he was in love with Lucius Malfoy. Severus truly was convinced that what Voldemort was aiming for was wrong, as were his means to gain it, and he wanted to help the Light side – but although he knew Lucius to be Voldemort's right hand he could not repress his feelings. And finally… his love ended in disaster."
He paused, and Remus took this chance to ask a question. "Why, Albus? I simply don't understand why anyone would do this… even Lucius Malfoy."
There was a short silence before the old wizard answered. "I do not know, either. There are some things we will never be able to understand. And," he continued in a rather tired voice, "some things I do not want to understand."
Remus had to agree with this. If he ever was able to understand such a deed, he would not be human anymore.
"I do not know how Lucius could do this," Albus went on. "But I do know that at this very time he had some severe problems in his marriage. Narcissa did not approve of his Death Eater activities, and only some days before, she had left him and taken their son with her to her parents. It was a public disgrace to him, and I suppose as he could not gain access to her, he vented his wrath on Severus… There was no real reason, and I keep myself telling that there is no point in trying to find one. It only drives us to despair, because we will never find out."
Remus had thought the same himself after Sirius's death. Or at least he had tried… No, he must not think of this now, he admonished himself, directing his attention back to the headmaster, who had continued his explanations.
"The place where Lucius had kept him imprisoned was one of Voldemort's hiding places, and eight days after Severus had declared his love for Lucius, a group of Aurors attacked the house. They had planned the attack accurately, and they outnumbered the Death Eaters three to one. In the end, all Death Eaters present were arrested or dead, and when they searched the house, they found Severus. You know, of course, that back at this time only a few people, all of them members of the Order, were aware of the fact that Severus was our spy – otherwise the safety hazard would have been far too large. Because he carried the Dark Mark, the Aurors took him for a Death Eater who somehow must have displeased Voldemort or someone in a high-ranking position."
Remus nodded to himself. Severus had explained to the Order that between the Death Eaters, there was no such thing as loyalty to one another. To increase their power they would do almost anything, and betraying and torturing their own companions was not excluded from "almost anything."
"The Ministry," Albus went on, "was so eager to punish the arrested criminals that they sent them to Azkaban right away, without giving them a trial or even tending their injuries – much as Sirius would be sent to Azkaban at the end of the war." His voice had risen only slightly, but Remus felt the anger that was seething in the normally self-controlled headmaster.
"They dragged Severus from one dungeon to the other, although he could have died from his wounds. I had to exert all my influence, and it took me over a week to convince the officials and was allowed to take him with me. I will… never forget his sight when I came to get him."
Remus could see the pain that was flickering across the old wizard's face while thinking of the condition he had found Severus in.
"I took him to Hogwarts, since he had nowhere to go, and it has been home to him ever since. Of course it took him some time to recover insomuch that he was able to teach. His wounds were infected, he was feverish and almost died… not to mention the psychological aspect…"
Albus's voice died away, and the room was silent for some minutes. Both men were lost in their thoughts, and Remus found himself thinking that he admired Severus for having the strength to go on, to face life. He did not even try to think of what he would have done in his place, knowing he would never be able to imagine.
"He has never talked about all that happened," Albus finally went on, "but when I offered him to lend him my Pensieve from time to time – when he needed a rest from his thoughts – he agreed to let me see everything. And ever since I learned what happened… I wish I would have prevented it."
"How could you have?" Remus asked softly. "You couldn't know what would happen. You didn't know he loved Malfoy and what would come of it."
"Of course, you are right, but something keeps telling me that from the moment on he had become my spy, I was responsible for him. I was incredibly relieved when he turned from Voldemort and came to me for help. It seemed that at last I got the chance I had always hoped for. I had worried about him ever since his first year at school."
A small smile appeared on the old wizard's face. "Do not ask me why, but in a way this boy had touched me… differently from everything I had ever experienced." The smile faded away. "Unfortunately, I never found access to him… he would not open up to anyone, and, knowing about his adverse conditions at home and his problems at school, I had to watch helplessly as he chose the Dark side.
"Of course, I was worried about him when he began spying, for we both knew his punishment would be severe should Voldemort ever find out about his betrayal - but it meant much to him to actually play an active part in his former master's defeat. He wanted to make up for his deeds, Remus," the headmaster said. "And just as then, this was the reason why he volunteered to again undertake this task when it became clear that Voldemort had returned. Or at least that was what he told me. Now we finally have come back to your question. Why did I let him go?"
Albus closed his eyes for some seconds, gathering strength to go on talking. It was bad enough to think about this during the long, sleepless hours of the nights, agonising over this question over and over again. Talking about it was almost more than he felt capable of.
"I… did not ask him to do this. I would never have suggested it, would never have thought of it. But when it became obvious that Voldemort had risen to power for the second time and the Order built up again, Severus came to me and asked me to let him go and provide the Order with information. He was convinced that Voldemort would accept him as his follower once more, because to the Death Eaters it had never been known that he was a traitor. I had convinced the Ministry not to make his espionage public knowledge, because I was afraid for his safety if any of the escaped Death Eaters should learn he had betrayed them. Even the trial that was held against him because of Karkaroff's accusations after Voldemort's defeat was held in complete secrecy.
"As to his proposal of spying again: I downright refused to allow it. I was aghast that he even thought of it, for I had no doubt Lucius Malfoy would be one of the first who would return to his master. The mere idea of Severus having to face him again, and not only once but uncountable times, was unbearable to me."
And it still was. 'How very nice to meet you, Severus,' Malfoy's voice echoed through his mind once more. Albus shook his head to rid himself of it, knowing that sooner or later it would return. For the time being, however, it worked.
"I would not let him go. This was what I told him. He tried to reason. He argued how useful he could be to the Order, but I refused to listen. When he realised that it was no use, he became furious. But that was no use, either. I thought he would resign himself to my decision, but I underestimated his determination in this matter."
A memory slipped into his mind. He saw himself, sitting right here at his desk, and Severus, who had stopped pacing the office and now was looking directly in his eyes.
"I will go, whether you agree or not. You cannot restrain me at Hogwarts, and if you do not let me be of use to the Order, I will leave and try on my own account. I will share any information I get with the Order, of course, but you will no longer be able to watch over me. Now choose."
Albus was completely taken aback by his Potions Master's calm and icy words. Severus could not be serious! Watching the younger man, who was standing in front of his desk, his expression firm with determination, he realised that Severus indeed meant what he had said. He would go, no matter how he, Albus, thought about it. It was not a real choice the headmaster had to face, for they both knew he would not abandon the man he had taken under his wing years ago.
"You... may do as you wish, Severus," the old wizard answered slowly, his voice thick with the tiredness he felt taking him over from within. "Of course I do not want to lose you as a teacher… nor as a friend."
"Thank you," Severus said, and while he managed to maintain an unmoved expression, the headmaster could watch relief flicker in his eyes. "I wouldn't have appreciated being… alone."
"You will never be alone, Severus," Albus replied softly. Then his tone changed, became firm once more. "You may go, but I insist that you will let me know everything that happens at the meetings. Everything."
The younger wizard did not answer but nodded briefly to assent. They both knew what the headmaster was talking about.
When Severus had left, the old wizard kept his gaze directed at the door through which some moments ago his child had gone to face things no one should experience even in their worst dreams. It was the first time that he asked himself whether he should not have prevented Severus from doing so – even, if need be, by the use of force – and it would not be the last time in a row of endless days, nights, weeks and months.
"Severus told me bluntly that he would go anyway, whether I would agree or not. He threatened to leave Hogwarts and try on his own account. I could not allow it, and this was what he was counting on. I agreed to let him do as he had asked me."
He took a deep breath before continuing. It was hard to articulate, even though he had known it was true for a long time now. Pronouncing the words, however, made it even more real. More cruel. More accusatory.
"I should… I should have prevented him from going. Somehow. Perhaps by force. He would have hated me, but… he would have been safe. I should have prevented him from slowly committing suicide, for this is exactly what he is doing."
"Wait a minute," Remus said. He still felt fairly uneasy in discussing another person's personal matters without their knowledge. He had listened to the headmaster without interrupting him, but now he could no longer abstain from raising objections - although it felt ridiculous, considering what he had witnessed in the Pensieve.
"Don't you think it's enough now? Severus would be everything else but glad if he knew what we are talking about." It was a downright understatement. He would be beside himself with fury if he ever found out.
"Of course," the headmaster replied. He pointed at the Pensieve. "But why do you think did I show you all this? As I said… I did not see another option. It has gone too far by now. Don't you see, Remus? Have you not watched him over the last weeks?"
Of course Remus had observed Severus, and he knew what Albus meant. "Yes, I have. He barely eats. He is looking horrible, and I doubt he sleeps much."
"No, I am sure he does not. He told me the nightmares he used to have had ceased years ago – but when you told me about the night at Grimmauld Place, I knew that it was not true. Or that at least they had come back."
"What about Dreamless Sleep? Or any other sleeping potion?"
The headmaster shook his head. "What do you know about Dreamless Sleep?" he asked.
"Um… I never was that good at Potions," Remus had to admit.
"It is highly addictive," Albus explained. "Severus was addicted to it for several years. He cannot use it, nor any other sleeping potion, as they are all based on the same addictive ingredient. Sometimes, like tonight, I will lend him my Pensieve so he can sleep undisturbed for one night. Unfortunately, you cannot leave your memories in it permanently."
Remus nodded. There was no way of ridding yourself completely from unwanted memories – even Memory Charms could be broken, often by the smallest things. Memories belonged to their owners, they were a part of them. If there had been a way, he was not sure whether he would not have taken the chance to forget… forget about Sirius, for example. But these, as he now realised, were remembrances you could live with, compared to what he had seen in the Pensieve…
The Pensieve.
"This was most unfair," he said calmly, pointing at the bowl with the silvery liquid.
"Yes, it was," Albus admitted tiredly. "I am sorry." They both knew the old wizard had counted on the fact that Remus would not be able to refuse his help, once he knew the truth. And of course, he had not been mistaken.
"I am sorry," Albus repeated, "but I was desperate. I am still. He would not talk to me when I tried. He would not let me help him. Severus would never accept help from me, no matter how sorely he needs it. And his condition is becoming worse. Have you ever noticed the Glamour Charm he uses?"
"Yes, but it was almost gone tonight," Remus replied. "Wait – does this mean… does he use it regularly?"
"Ever since he began teaching, it has become a second nature to him… Well, over several years he did not use it every day, but now… now that…" the headmaster had to pause to steady his voice. "However, recently he loses control. He cannot maintain it over long periods of time. Especially when he is upset… when there has been a summoning, like tonight."
"Yes, no wonder he was that distraught…" Remus murmured. It had shocked him to the core when he had watched the present-day's Death Eater meeting in the pensieve - when he had seen Lucius Malfoy taunting Severus. It had shocked him even more, though, to witness the panic attack Severus had suffered after his return to Hogwarts. And to watch their argument, and hear himself use the words Malfoy had spoken sixteen years ago, had crowned his horror.
'Friendship and love, those are things you never had and never will have.'
"Albus… I don't think that I'm the right person to help him. Think of what I said to him! He must hate me."
"Please try. I do not know what else we could do. And something has to be done. Imagine the Death Eaters taking advantage of his condition. Imagine what would happen to him if they found out that he is a traitor. There will come the point when he will break down, and the risk that it happens while he is with them is far too large."
The pain in the old wizard's eyes and voice struck Remus deeply. He was almost begging by now. Albus Dumbledore never begged anyone for anything.
"Please, Remus… Severus… he is like a son to me. I… I love him dearly, and I cannot bear watching him fall apart. I cannot help him, because he thinks that he owes me for saving his life, and he cannot accept anything more from me. But it is different with you. He needs an equal, and that is what you are. He does not owe you anything, and it seems he liked spending time with you."
This was true, as Remus had to admit. He had figured himself that Severus must, in a way, appreciate his presence – otherwise he would not have met him over several weeks. Especially not after the – to Severus's mind – more than embarrassing incident at Grimmauld Place.
There was one thing, though, he still did not quite understand. "Why did he want to do this, anyway? You said he wanted to 'make up' for his deeds, but it can't be the true reason, at least I don't think so. He has paid enough, more than enough. Why would he want to expose himself to this kind of torture?"
The old wizard sighed at hearing these words. "This is something I would like to find out myself," he responded. "As I said, he never talks to me, or at least not about anything that would concern his feelings."
For some minutes they sat in silence, during which Remus tried to sort the huge amount of information he had been provided with over the last few hours. It was too much to be grasped in so short a time, and he knew he would not sleep tonight, but instead would ponder over what he had seen and heard. But, as he now became aware, his decision had already been made at the very moment he had seen what Malfoy had done.
"Albus?" he said, startling the headmaster, who again had closed his eyes, from his thoughts. "I will try. I can't promise that I'll be successful, but I'll try."
"I cannot ask more of you," the old wizard answered, visibly relieved. "In fact, I cannot even ask this. I know that it must be hard for you to ignore Severus's attitude towards Sirius. I… thank you."
Remus swallowed hard. Sirius… this would be one of the things that would prevent him from sleeping. There way no way to avoid the subject any longer, having been forced to witness the scenes in the Pensieve. He could no longer be blind to the truth.
"I think…" his voice was hoarse, and he had to begin again. "I think my attitude hasn't been objective, either," he managed. "Don't worry, Albus. I'll get along."
In looking at the big, old-fashioned clock on the right wall, he noticed that it was far beyond midnight by now.
"I think I should go to bed," he said. "I'm sorry for keeping you from sleeping. Certainly it wasn't your intention to spend half the night in your office."
"Never mind," the headmaster replied, a touch of melancholy in his voice. "I highly doubt I would have slept well."
'Or slept at all,' Remus thought.
"One last thing, Remus," Albus held him back when he had got up and walked towards the exit.
Remus turned his head round, and he was struck by the old wizard's expression of quiet resignation. "What is it?"
"When Severus finds out that you learned about his past – and rest assured that some day he will – do not lie to him. Let him have the truth." The headmaster's voice, while it was sad and tired, yet was firm. "He will need you more than he needs me, and if the price for saving him is losing him, I will pay it."