During the next week, Severus spent most of his time in his private lab, busying himself with improving the Imperius Potion and brewing several more healing potions for the infirmary - there could never be enough of those in a place with so many irresponsible and unthinking brats. Moreover, he did his best to convince himself that he was not avoiding Lupin. He could not just leave his potions to themselves to join Lupin and Albus for meals in the Great Hall, and his knee, which, much to his annoyance, was healing rather slowly, made anything but limping about between his numerous cauldrons impossible. So why should he leave his quarters at all?
No, he was not avoiding the werewolf – why should he do so? He enjoyed his colleague's company quite a lot. Lupin was intelligent, literate, humorous, kind, and on Christmas Day he had made Severus feel welcome and accepted in a way he always had tried to forget he longed for.
Which was exactly the crux.
For fifteen years now, Severus had managed to stay away from any close contact, and he certainly had not expected this to change any time soon. And yet, here he was, enjoying the company of someone who seemed to have the mysterious ability to break down the walls of cold indifference he had surrounded himself with. And Severus did not know whether or not he wanted this to happen.
With hindsight it seemed even more confusing that he had told Lupin about his duties as the Dark Lord's potions supplier. Albus, of course, knew about what he had to do, and he had never felt the desire to talk with him to lighten the burden of guilt he felt pressing down on him. He could not bring himself to reveal anything so personal to anyone, not even to the man who had acted more like a father to him than his own had ever done.
With Lupin, though, it was different. He had something about him that seemed to coax Severus out of his defence, something that made him feel he could trust him and let him see more of himself, Severus – not the personality of the snarky Potions teacher he had created to hide behind. He did not know why this was the case, why he felt at ease with Lupin in a way he had never felt with anyone else.
Leaving aside the incident in November – and this had been entirely his own fault – he had received nothing but kindness and acceptance from the other man. Even after he had confessed to him that he still was murdering innocents, Lupin had not turned from him in disgust, like Severus was sure everyone else would have done. And they would have done so rightfully. He could not expect people to understand that what he was doing was necessary to uphold his cover as loyal Death Eater, necessary to gather information for the Light, necessary to keep Potter safe. Most of the time he could not even make himself believe it. Lupin, however, had needed no explanation. He had listened – and understood. And, more than that, he had not tried to make him talk more than he wanted to; he had been there, and at that moment that had been enough.
It felt incredibly good to open up to Lupin – be it ever so slightly - but on the other hand it was frightening. Severus felt that he was losing control in this matter – something he could not let happen. He had already allowed himself to give in to his weakness by searching the werewolf's company in order to cope with the effects of the summonings, and he felt that should he follow the path he had taken he would make himself even more vulnerable than he had already done. Could he allow Lupin – anyone – to have such an influence on him?
The logical answer to this question was no, but logic seemed to forsake him where Lupin was concerned. The mere thought of reducing their relationship to what it had been before discomfited him in a most disturbing way.
Even more disconcerting, though, was the fact that he seemed unable to any longer refrain from thinking about what had happened at Grimmauld Place at the end of September. Until now, he had managed to shove the incident into the back of his mind, but since Christmas Day this had been downright impossible.
What had taken place at Grimmauld Place had been utterly humiliating. Not only had Lupin discovered him to be so weak as to having nightmares which made him scream and cry with fear, no, to crown it all Severus had hidden in the man's arms like a frightened child!
But however embarrassing all of this had been, it was not the humiliation that bothered Severus most. No, what really troubled him was that he simply could not stop thinking of how it had felt to be held the way Lupin had done.
He had almost felt safe – and for some reason, this scared him.
Severus had always prided himself on his unfailing logic. Right now it seemed that his logic had decided to go on holiday and not return any time soon.
.-.-.-.-
New Year's Eve was lonely and cold. It should not have affected him at all, since he was used to it for years. Why was it then that all evening he wanted nothing more than having one of Lupin's warm smiles directed at him?
Remus sensed that Severus needed to think about the recent events. His absence during meals, his brief and reserved answer when Remus had fire-called him to question him about the healing of his knee and his decline at Remus's suggestion to spend New Year's eve, a Friday, together – all these indicated that he was confused and needed time to adjust to the changes that had taken place. And Remus was well aware how crucial those changes were for Severus. Therefore, he did not press the issue any further, knowing that this would do no good.
New Year's Eve he spent at The Burrow, hoping to escape the memories of the last turn of the year, which he had celebrated with Sirius. Harry had been enthusiastic about the advanced book on Defence and the wizarding camera Remus had gotten him. The boy was fooling about with the twins and Ron; there was a snowball fight where Remus got soaked to the skin because everyone agreed to make him the main target of their attacks, and after that Fred and George showed "Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes" newest joke articles – a presentation from which Remus, being a teacher, was excluded with apologetic grins.
Later in the evening, an innocent looking Harry offered Remus a custard cream – at least it looked and tasted like that - and it was not until ten minutes after Remus had retransformed from a huge canary to his human form that anyone could stop laughing – beside Molly, who was ranting to Harry about him lacking respect for his teacher, all the while obviously trying to hide a smile.
Altogether it was a really enjoyable evening, and Remus was extremely relieved to see that Harry indeed seemed to revive from the depression that had taken hold of him during the previous months.
It was not until about midnight that his high spirits began to sink. Everyone was outside and watching the fireworks the twins had released. Although it was Wildfire-Whiz Bangs and not simply Muggle fireworks, it reminded Remus, who was standing a little aside, of the fireworks he and Sirius had watched at last New Year's Eve.
Sirius had convinced him that it would not be that dangerous to sneak out of the house for an hour, and so they had left an hour before midnight – Sirius, of course, in his Animagus form. They had gone for a walk through the snowy streets, and when the first fireworks had begun, Sirius had transformed back to human. Now they were watching silently the colourful spectacle that was taking place against the background of the black night sky.
Sirius embraced Remus from behind, the smaller man still fitting perfectly in his arms. "You know, I do realise how lucky I am to have you to be with me," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "I don't know if I could handle someone like me… someone who's so messed-up…"
Remus did not answer immediately, the rare experience of being held like this being exquisite torture. Nowadays Sirius did not like physical contact, his attacks and the nights thereafter being exceptions from the rule. Happiness at the touch he so sorely missed and pain at knowing that he could never have what he was craving were soaring through Remus, making him wish to just hide in his former lover's arms and cry and for some precious moments enjoy the comfort Sirius would doubtless provide him with. But of course he did not allow himself to give in to this desire, knowing that he would have to explain – and thereby hurt the man he loved.
Finally, he simply leaned closer into the touch, loathing himself for being weak enough to bathe in the illusion of what he was longing for. "I promised I would always be there. That's what friends are for."
"Thank you," Sirius whispered, tightening the hug. "I think… I know if it wasn't for you I couldn't cope with… with all this. With life. I need you."
"I need you, too," Remus murmured desperately, when suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning round, he saw Harry, who was watching him from suspiciously bright eyes.
"You're thinking of Sirius, aren't you?" Harry asked, pulling back his hand.
Remus swallowed the lump that had built in his throat. "Am I that obvious?" His voice sounded hoarse to himself.
Harry shook his head. "Only to someone who's feeling the same."
"Harry…" Remus did not know what to say. Everything he could think of sounded pathetic even before he spoke the words. He knew how much Sirius had meant to Harry, being the closest thing to a father the boy had ever known. Harry had never talked much about his relatives, but Sirius had made it quite clear to Remus that Harry had wanted to live with him, a convicted, while innocent, murderer whom he did not even really know rather than with people he had known for his entire life – and in Remus's eyes this was revealing quite a lot about Harry's home life. Meeting the Dursleys at King's Cross after Harry's fifth year hat only confirmed this suspicion.
"It's okay," Harry said, "you don't have to say something wise that wouldn't help neither me nor you. Maybe… when we're back at Hogwarts we sometime could just meet… and talk? If your offer's still standing, that is."
"Yes, of course!" Remus replied, feeling a small but honest smile spread across his face.
"Thanks," Harry said, returning the smile. "Ron and Hermione – they're helping me a lot, but… it would be good to have someone to talk to who knew him as good as you did."
A sudden pang of conscience hit Remus at these words. Neither he nor Sirius had ever told Harry about their relationship. In the wizarding world, homosexuality was considered relatively normal, but they knew that being raised as a Muggle, Harry might think differently about this subject. Moreover, Sirius had not wanted Harry to worry. Once his godson would have known that they had been in a relationship before Azkaban, he would have begun wondering about the present, Sirius had been sure – something that he would not let happen. Harry had enough to worry about, other than his godfather's and his ex-professor's love life.
Eventually, he would have to tell Harry, Remus now realised. Harry had a right to know. What he would keep to himself, though, was that he had still loved Sirius after his escape. He just could not talk about it, and Harry would be the wrong person for this anyway. He had enough to carry himself.
"What about Saturday in a week? Just come to my office after dinner, and we'll have some tea and can talk about everything you want, okay?"
"Yeah, that'd be great," Harry said. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, Harry. Whenever you need to talk, just ask. But I think right now you should go back to your friends. They're waiting for you." Remus pointed at the bunch of redheads who were waving at Harry.
"C'mon mate," Fred yelled. "Bill, Charlie and Ginny need to be taught a lesson, they think they could beat the four of us all on their own!" Just as to prove his statement, Bill now tackled his younger brother, dragging him to the ground and trying to rub a handful of snow into his face. Some seconds later, George was attacked by Charlie, and Ginny began firing snowballs at Ron.
"You ought to help them," Remus stated, and some moments later watched as Harry lunged himself at Charlie, pushing the redhead off his younger brother.
Remus watched for some minutes, feeling reminded of similar activities which had taken place years ago, a wavering smile lingering on his lips. He could see James and Sirius before his inner eye, their clothing wet, hair tousled, faces flushed from tussling and laughing. Suddenly, he felt achingly tired. Although he truly had enjoyed this day, all at once everything about it felt shallow. He could not help it, as much as he wanted to.
Remus turned round and slowly trudged back into the house, leaving behind the cheerful young people. He was happy for them, most of all for Harry, but just now he could not be a part of this.
Sitting down at the kitchen table, he found that Molly had followed him. Thankfully, she did not ask him if he wanted to talk – everyone had given up those attempts by the end of the summer holidays, realising that their well-meaning offers hurt him more than they helped. Instead, she only poured him a cup of tea and gently squeezed his shoulder before leaving again.
Closing his eyes, Remus surprisingly found himself thinking about Christmas with Severus. It had been so different from today, so quiet and… oddly peaceful. Yes, he had had to think about Sirius, but somehow… somehow it had not left him with this all-consuming despair that was threatening to overpower him right now. Severus had distracted him from that, he realised, simply by being there – something no one else had managed to do so far. He had felt at peace in a way he had not known for a very long time.
At this moment, Remus all of a sudden wished for nothing more than being at Hogwarts right now, away from the laughter and the sparkling vitality surrounding him here. He would be perfectly contented with sitting by the fireside in his chambers, listening to Severus talking about his favourite books with a compassion he would not have credited him with before – or rubbishing everything he disliked with a scathing sarcasm which a week ago had made Remus chuckle amusedly more than once.
Moreover, Remus felt that on Christmas they had reached a real breakthrough in their relationship. Severus had confided to him his feelings of guilt about what he was doing in Voldemort's service. He had not voiced them explicitly, but his vocal tone, his facial expression, his whole demeanour, they all had spoken volumes. Remus had felt strangely honoured that he had earned so much trust from Severus in so short a time.
This Severus Snape had been very different from the austere, spiteful man everyone knew. Remus had been allowed to take a glimpse behind his colleague's cold and hateful mask, and he found that he liked what he had seen.
Was it not ironic, he contemplated when finally he Flooed back to his rooms at Hogwarts about an hour later, that he seemed to find some strange kind of comfort in Sirius's worst enemy?
Cold.
Everything was cold.
For the time being, this was the only thought he was capable of. His head seemed to begin spinning frighteningly whenever he tried to catch a clear thought, so he kept concentrating on the sensations that slowly made their way into his mind.
Chills were running through his huddled form, the cold that was radiating from the stone floor and the walls he was leaning against making him shiver helplessly. The arms which were holding him did not provide him with any warmth or comfort, and when he tried to clench his hands to fists to suppress his violent shaking, the pain that flared up immediately where fingernails dug into skin indicated that he was wrapped up in his own embrace. There was a sickening taste of bile in his mouth, and the smell of vomit was lingering in the air.
Slowly, Severus cracked open his eyes. At first, his surroundings were nothing but dark, blurred forms and lines, but when his vision cleared, he recognised the room to be his living room. How had he gotten here? he asked himself while trying to stand up on shaky legs. And why was he not wearing his robes but only trousers and a thin shirt? He did not remember, and when he tried to, another wave of dizziness washed over him and made him slump into his armchair in front of the fireplace.
When the world had come into focus again, he looked round and noticed a puddle of vomit on the floor, next to which his wand was lying. Just what had happened? Forcing himself to breathe slowly and steadily, he tried to think.
Today was Sunday, the 9th of January. His birthday.
'Happy birthday, Severus…' a whisper resounded in his mind and made him wince, but within an instant, it was gone.
What was the last thing he remembered?
It had been in the late afternoon, and he had worked on the Imperius Potion in his lab… when suddenly he had been summoned. Of course he had followed the call, and once again he had had to endure his master's fury because the potion had not yet been ready for use. So this was where the dull aching he felt was coming from. The Cruciatus Curse.
But there had been more…
'I will re-establish our link, Severus,' the Dark Lord's voice hissed. 'And you will help me. You will brew a potion that makes the boy more susceptive to visions, so that I will have easy access to his mind.'
Severus stiffened in his chair. He had to inform Albus of their enemy's plan! After the debacle in the department of Mysteries, the Dark Lord had decided to block the mental link he and Potter shared. But now he seemed to have changed his mind.
Sighing, Severus dragged himself to his feet and - having performed a quick spell to clean away the mess on the floor - staggered into his bedroom. He felt terribly tired. Having taken a new robe out of his wardrobe, he was about to put it on and leave for the headmaster's office, when suddenly he remembered that this evening Albus was away on some Order business. He had told him so on Friday evening, after the Order meeting at Headquarters had been over.
Well, then. He would inform Albus tomorrow before breakfast. At least, he thought grimly, buttoning the robe with still shaking hands, this would leave him a short delay before he would vote for resuming Occlumency lessons with the bane of his existence once more. He had no other choice, since he could not risk for the boy to get into danger. Ending the lessons the year before had caused enough damage, however rightfully Severus might have done so. He could not let something like that happen again.
'Maybe Albus could teach him this time,' a hopeful voice in the back of his mind whispered. Yes, and maybe he, Severus, would become Minister of Magic some day, he told the voice sarcastically. But on the other hand…
'You will tell me when the potion is ready, and only then will I begin the assault on his mind. I don't wish to risk any unpleasant surprise. The boy is stronger than I would have expected.'
This time, there would be no danger that the Dark Lord would try to use Potter to attack Albus. It was in his, Severus's, hands, when the link would be re-established. Maybe he could truly get around teaching Potter Occlumency again.
Taking a look at his watch, Severus noticed that it was half past six already. It must have been around half past four when he had been summoned, and the meeting had not lasted longer than an hour. Could he truly have spent almost a whole hour on the floor in that corner? Now, at least that would explain why he was frozen to the marrow, he thought, climbing into his bed and crawling under the blanket. Hopefully, this would warm him up.
And what exactly had happened that had caused this new memory gap? However hard Severus tried to delve into his memory, he found nothing but emptiness and an overwhelming feeling of dread that made him shy away from any attempt to forcefully break through the barrier his mind had built around whatever might have happened. Maybe it was better if he did not know – surely it had to do with Lucius, who, as he remembered, had been present at the meeting. Shuddering, he curled into a ball under the thick blanket. No, he did not want to know.
Trying to regain control over his still trembling body, Severus could not get rid of the feeling that there was something else, something that he should remember. Something important… something concerning this evening.
Lupin!
They had not met on Friday, the Order meeting interfering with their appointment, and on Saturday evening, his colleague had already had an appointment with Potter. Therefore, they had decided to meet today. Severus felt a wave of relief wash over him, causing him to feel slightly better than before. In only one hour and a half, he would see Lupin. Still he did not know why the other man's presence helped him so much, but he finally decided not to think about it any longer. He needed Lupin - he had to admit it at least in front of himself. As long as the werewolf did not know, he could live with that fact.
.-.-
Finally, after what seemed to be ages, the time had come to leave the dungeons and head for Lupin's rooms. Severus had spent the last hour trying not to think about what could have happened after the Death Eaters meeting, but he had failed miserably. Once again he felt at the verge of a panic, and he had no words to describe his relief when finally he arrived at his colleague's rooms and was greeted with a friendly smile, the chessboard and two glasses of wine already set out on the table in front of the fireplace.
Severus, who had taken seat on the soft-cushioned sofa that suited his aching body more than the wing chair, did not talk much this evening. Instead, he let his colleague's voice wash over him, not really listening to the words but allowing himself to be soothed by the warm and soft tone he had learned to appreciate during the last weeks.
He did not pay much attention to their game and did not care that after an unusually short time he had lost pathetically. Having drunk his single glass of wine on an empty stomach, his general fatigue even increased, and soon it became difficult to hold open his eyes. The crackling of the warm fire provided a pleasant background to Lupin's still softly speaking voice, and Severus felt that he would fall asleep within a few minutes if he did not do anything to prevent it.
Forcing his already closed eyes open again, the Severus straightened himself from his comfortable position.
"Lupin, I think I should go. It's been a long day," he announced.
To some degree he was unwilling to leave the pleasant company, since he knew exactly that alone in his dungeons he would probably be unable to fall asleep, or should he at last be able to do so, he would most certainly be awoken by a nightmare sooner rather than later. But of course he could not allow himself to doze off in his colleague's presence. Since he had been released from the infirmary after his stay at Azkaban, Severus had never slept in the presence of another person.
"Well, that's a pity. It's just half past nine," the other man answered. "But you do look rather tired."
Severus was about to get up from the sofa when Lupin beckoned him to wait.
"Just a moment! There's something I wanted to give you," the werewolf said before getting up himself and walking over to the closet. When he returned, he was carrying a medium-sized packet, wrapped up in blue wrapping paper.
"I didn't know if you would like it, so I decided on giving it to you before you left," he said with an apologetic smile. "Call me selfish, but I didn't want to ruin the evening."
Severus frowned. What on earth did this mean? It could not possibly be… no one except of Albus had ever…
"Lupin? What is it?" he demanded to know.
"Why," again the werewolf smiled, "I couldn't possibly let you get away without…"
.-.-
"…a birthday present!" Lucius drawled. He had taken off his mask, and Severus could see a smirk spread across the blonde's face as he quickly approached him, effectively cornering him so that there was no means of escape left.
.-.-
Remus saw Severus freeze on the spot. He was staring at him from glazed eyes, an expression of utter horror on his face.
"Snape? Is everything all right?" he asked.
He had no idea what had happened to cause this sudden change. Some minutes ago, the other man had been perfectly relaxed – something that had pleased Remus a good deal.
"Snape?" he tried again, taking some more steps in the direction of the sofa. "Is there…"
.-.-
"…anything wrong?" Lucius's smirk became even larger as he stopped merely inches away from his victim, which now stood pressed against the wall in a corner of the empty room. Severus felt his breathing quicken, and his chest seemed to narrow painfully.
.-.-
Noticing that Severus's breathing now was coming in heavy gasps, Remus finally stepped next to him, kneeling down beside the sofa. He was truly worried by now.
"Severus? Can you hear me?" Tentatively, he reached out and touched the other man's arm.
.-.-
Lucius roughly seized him by the shoulders and pinned him against the wall, his superior strength not giving Severus any chance to defend himself. He could feel the blonde's hot breath mingle with his own as the other man leaned towards him and with some quick movements ripped away his victim's robes, so that Severus was left only in trousers and a thin shirt.
"Happy birthday, Severus," Lucius hissed before he finally crushed their lips together in a rough kiss. The world began spinning around Severus. Everything became dark and blurred, his perceptiveness being reduced to the sight of blond hair, the feeling of a tongue demanding entrance to his mouth and hands roaming his body, touching where no one was to touch him ever again.
.-.-
"NO!" It was a hoarse cry, filled with raw fear and pain, and immediately Remus jerked back his hand from the other man's arm.
"No… no no no…" Being released from the touch, Severus now shied away from Remus, crouching as deeply as possible into the corner of the sofa.
"Severus? It's me, Remus."
Seveus had drawn his knees up to his chest and now began rocking himself softly, his eyes squeezed shut.
"No no no…" he chanted monotonously, not in the least acknowledging Remus.
"Severus…" What should Remus do? He knew better than trying to touch the other man again. It would only scare him more.
Finally, after several more vain attempts to attract Severus's attention without scaring him, he made a decision. He obviously could not get through to his colleague, since the latter was too wrapped up in his flashback. For nothing else it was, of that Remus was sure. With a last worried glance at the sofa he got up and headed to his fireplace, grabbing a handful of Floo powder from the box on the mantelpiece. He tossed it into the fire and stepped into the green flames.
"Infirmary!" he said, and some moments later he found himself in the fireplace of the white-painted hospital wing.
"Poppy!" he yelled as soon as he had stepped out of the fireplace. "Poppy! Where are you?"
Only some seconds later, the medi-witch rushed out of her office. "What happened?" she demanded to know in seeing him. "Remus? Why are you making such a noise? Don't you -"
"I'm sorry, but I don't have time for explanations," Remus cut her off. "Please, I need a calming draught, a strong one that helps with someone who's got an acute flashback of a traumatic experience and won't react to any attempt to soothe them. It's urgent!" His insistent tone seemed to have the desired result, for the matron nodded and turned towards the closet that contained the medicaments.
"Oh, and there mustn't be any of the addictive ingredients of sleeping potions in it," Remus added, suddenly remembering that most calming potions were based on the same ingredients as sleeping draughts and therefore Severus could not take any of them.
Poppy turned round and shot him a sharp look, but then she hurried wordlessly into her office and some moments later returned with a small vial, containing a light red liquid.
"Now, listen very closely," she said, handing him the vial. "This is the only potion that isn't based on those addictive ingredients and still strong enough to cause the desired effects. It's called Mentis Apertae Potion, which means 'Potion of the open mind'. Any person who takes it will, once it's fully effective, be entirely open for anything that is said and done by the person they're interacting with. Yell at them and use harsh words, and they'll be scared like a small child. Be patient and friendly, soothe them with soft words, and they'll completely trust you. They'll believe everything you say, for as long as the potion's in their system." She looked at him sternly. "The effects last for about eight hours, and during this time you'll have to stay with the person. You mustn't leave them alone. They'll be completely helpless, so it's an immense responsibility for you. Do you understand?"
Remus nodded. If this was what it took to help Severus, he would do it. "Yes, I understand. I'll do exactly what you said. Thank you." He turned round to leave, but she held him back, placing a hand on his arm.
"Wait!"
"Is there anything else?" Remus could hardly hide his impatience, wanting to return to Severus as soon as possible.
"I suppose you know that Severus doesn't like physical contact," Poppy said, ignoring Remus's surprised gasp as she spoke the name. "Under the influence of the potion, however, it's different with him. The Mentis Apertae reveals some of our true self, and Severus isn't the harsh and cold man he wants everyone to believe he is. In truth he's starved for affection, so he'll be very responsive to gentle touch. Try to hold him, if possible; he'll like that specifically."
"Why do you think it's him?" Remus asked, worried that he might have given away something by what he had said. Severus would not forgive him if other people began asking questions.
"There's only one person at Hogwarts who can't take sleeping potions and the usual calming draughts," she answered. "Who do you think took care of him during the detoxication of Dreamless Sleep? And who do you think treated him sixteen years ago, when Albus brought him here from Azkaban? Other than you and Albus, I'm the only one who knows what Malfoy did to him. He doesn't like that fact, and he'd bite off his tongue rather than asking me for help, even now that he has to see him again." The medi-witch smiled sadly at Remus, who was relieved that he had not divulged anything to someone who did not already know.
"His body healed quickly," she sighed, "but his soul never did, although he does everything to hide that fact, even from himself. I know how he reacts to this potion, because in the beginning I had to use it on him frequently." Poppy suddenly sounded tired. "Albus told me what you are doing for Severus. He said you might need my help some time, and it seems he wasn't mistaken. Take good care of him," she said, finally releasing his arm. "He deserves it."
Remus nodded and headed towards the fireplace, grabbing some Floo powder and throwing it into the flames. "Thank you," he said before he stepped into the green flames, shouting "Professor Lupin's rooms!" Only seconds later he found himself stumbling out of his own fireplace.
Severus had not moved during the short time Remus had been away. Still he was crouched in the corner of the sofa, and still he was rocking himself, whimpering "No no no," over and over again.
"Severus? Can you hear me?" Remus tried once more, but just like before the other man did not acknowledge his presence.
"I'm sorry," Remus murmured before casting a binding spell on the other man to prevent him from fighting. He then sat down beside him on the edge of the sofa and uncorked the vial. Gently massaging his throat to help him swallow, he forced Severus to drink its contents. After that, he quickly released him from the spell.
Immediately, Severus tried to crouch even deeper into the corner of the sofa, hiding his face behind his arms and again whispering "…no, no, no…" like a desperate prayer to protect himself from the imaginary threat. Remus knew he had to act with utmost caution to make the scared man trust him.
"Severus," he began, speaking in the most gentle tone he could manage. "Severus, everything's all right. Can you hear me? Everything's all right. You're safe."
His colleague did not react.
"Severus, it's me, Remus," he went on calmly. "You know me. Remus. I'm… I'm your friend." The word sounded strange only for a few seconds. "I'm your friend, and I won't hurt you. You're safe with me."
Still no reaction. For a few minutes, all that Remus did was talk softly to the other man, again and again promising him that he was safe and that he, Remus, was a friend of his. Finally, Severus fell silent, although he still did not move and was breathing heavily with ragged gasps. Remus decided that it was time for the next step.
"Now I'm going to touch your arm, okay?" he said, remembering what Poppy had told him. When he reached out and lightly placed his right hand on a thin arm, he earned a violent wince and a frightened whimper, but Severus's attempts to flee from the touch were feeble and did not last longer than a few seconds. After that, he simply stayed stiff and motionless.
"Shh, Severus, it's okay. You're safe. I won't hurt you," Remus reassured, beginning to slowly stroke the other man's arm. "Look, doesn't that feel good? I'm your friend. It's okay that I touch you. Now, will you please look at me?"
It took some time and some more persuasion, but at last Severus slowly lowered his arms and revealed his pale face, staring at Remus from haunted black eyes, obviously uncertain of what to do. Remus could see that he was still scared, but there was a longing expression on his face that told of his wish to be able to trust.
"Severus, do you recognise me? It's Remus," he tried.
The other man kept staring at him for some moments before a hint of awareness crept into his eyes.
"Remus…" The whisper was almost inaudible.
"Yes, it's me." Finally, the potion seemed to show its full effects, Remus noticed with relief. He now continued to stroke Severus's arm, and again he began talking to him in soft tones, asking him to trust him, assuring that he only wanted to help and would not hurt him.
Eventually, after several minutes of gentle coaxing, Remus managed to manoeuvre him into his arms without scaring him even more than he already was. Severus had made himself as small as possible, and Remus could feel the tension in the other man's body that every now and then was shaken by fierce tremors. After some more minutes, he could hear shreds of frantic whispers between the still heavy breaths. "…nothing… world… crying for… Snape… not cry… a Snape…"
"It's all right, Severus," Remus soothed. "It's all right to cry."
"…no," Severus breathed, "…no… a Snape does… not cry…"
Maybe the potion was not yet fully effective, Remus thought. The casual tremors became stronger and more frequent as the tears pushed for being released.
"Severus, trust me. It's all right to cry." Remus now began to draw slow, soothing circles on the other man's back. "It's all right, I promise, it's all right…"
Finally, Severus's feeble defence crumbled, torn down by his own anguish and Remus's reassuring words, and the abrupt tremors gave way to a soft, continuous trembling as he wept soundlessly, his face hidden in Remus's robes. The latter simply continued stroking him, sadly wondering how many years had gone by since Severus had allowed himself to cry on someone's shoulder for the last time, and if he ever had been able to do so without the help of the potion.
After some time, the tears slowly subsided. "See, I promised you it would be okay," Remus said, wishing to make the other man understand that he had done nothing wrong. Severus whimpered softly. Still he was tense and curled into a tight ball against Remus's chest, not daring to move. Remus now began to run a hand gently through the long, black hair.
"It's okay, Severus, you're doing very well," he told him.
It took a long time of gentle encouragements and tender caresses until Severus eventually, bit by bit, relaxed. Finally, he was lying limply in Remus's arms, his head resting in the crook of Remus's neck. Feeling incredibly relieved that at last he had calmed down, Remus decided on just holding him for a while before contemplating his further actions. He felt the soft, constant breathing against his skin and allowed himself a slight smile. Severus seemed to feel safe - at least for now. How long would it take until he would be summoned to face his demons again? Weeks, days, or only hours?
"Why are you doing this to yourself? Why did you insist on spying again?" Suddenly overcome by a deep sadness, Remus had whispered these questions to himself, not expecting Severus to react in any way.
"Because it's my duty." The words were murmured calmly, vacantly. Remus was surprised.
'Any person who takes it will, once it's fully effective, be entirely open for anything that is said and done by the person they're interacting with,' Poppy's voice resounded in his mind. Of course, he realised. Finally being entirely under the influence of the potion, Severus would not only willingly believe everything he was told, but also answer any questions he was asked.
Remus knew he must not take advantage of this situation, since this would be simply immoral. Nevertheless, he could not resist the temptation of at least finding out about Severus's motives for exposing himself to Malfoy's presence and the other horrors which being a Death Eater brought about. If Remus wanted to be able to help him, he had to know.
"Why?" he asked carefully. "Why is it you duty?"
"Potter," Severus murmured into Remus's neck. "I owe it Potter."
"Harry?" Remus asked incredulously, trying to keep his voice under control.
"Yes. It's my duty. I must not fail him, not again."
Fail Harry? Again? What on earth was Severus talking about? Remus was completely confused. Before he could ask, Severus went on.
"As much as I hated him - I owed my life to James Potter, and I failed to pay this debt. As a spy in the Dark Lord's ranks I should have found out Pettigrew to be a traitor. It was my duty. If I had uncovered the traitor, the Potters wouldn't have died. The boy wouldn't have lost his parents and wouldn't have been marked by the Dark Lord."
Remus was thunderstruck. "Severus that's… nonsense!" he exclaimed. Severus could not honestly believe what he had said! He had always done everything in his power to provide the Order with as much information as possible - and in doing so he had risked his life every day! "You couldn't find out everything!" But that seemed to be exactly what Severus had demanded of himself.
Being absorbed in his righteous anger, Remus had not noticed Severus flinching at his rather sharply uttered words. Only when he finally noticed the violent shaking of the body in his arms, he realised his mistake.
'Remus Lupin, you thoughtless idiot!' he inwardly scolded himself as he again begun to gently stroke the other man's back.
"Shhh, it's all right," he soothed, "I'm sorry, Severus. I didn't mean to scare you, it's all right."
Luckily, it did not take long until Severus had calmed down, the potion helping him in accepting the comfort he was offered.
"So, you say you began spying again because you owe it Harry, is that right?" Remus went on when the other man had relaxed again.
He felt Severus nod. "Yes…"
"So you do care about him." It was a strange idea - picturing the Potions Mater caring so much for his most hated student's safety that he would even take it upon himself to constantly endure Malfoy's assaults - even though this sense of duty 'only' resulted from a misled idea of being indebted to Harry. No one, and least Harry himself, would ever have demanded such a sacrifice of him.
"Of course I do," Severus murmured. "And I hate it. I hate following him around, always looking out for him, trying to keep him out of trouble. Some colleagues might think that I like patrolling the corridors at night. In fact, I only do it because I know it would never occur to the blasted boy that one could actually sleep at night. That one could actually stick to the rules, rules that were made for his and his lot's safety."
Remus swallowed. He, just like everyone else, had always believed Severus to hate Harry so much that he would use every possible chance to pick on him, and that therefore he so often followed the Gryffindor and his friends like a shadow. Now it seemed they all had been horribly wrong.
"I truly hate that boy," Severus went on, but in his voice there was no sign of anger. If anything, he sounded utterly worn out. "He's just like his father. Always getting himself into trouble, always getting away with it without any consequences to his actions, just because he's so damn popular. It's disgusting." He sighed. "But I'd die myself rather than to bear the blame for the death of a third Potter. Do you have the faintest idea how it feels, having to see him every day, for almost six years now? To see the living reminder of what I failed to do? The carbon copy of James Potter, everyone's darling at his time, together with Black…"
Remus kept silent, listening. Once he had begun talking, Severus seemed to need getting those things out of his system. And for some unfathomable reason, Remus did not even mind hearing him talking about James and Sirius, although he was certain he only would get to hear the same old insults.
"No matter what they did - everyone liked them. Everyone cheered them." At any other time, the Slytherin's words would have dripped with spite when speaking about his old enemies from school. Now, however, there was nothing but a deep sadness that made Remus blood thicken in his veins.
"I would have cheered along," Severus whispered. "If they had let me. But of course they wouldn't. It was… ridiculous to even think of it. I simply didn't yet know my place." The man shuddered in Remus's arms. "When I had realised I would never be accepted, I would have been perfectly content with being invisible to everyone. But even that was asking too much." His slender fingers now clung firmly to Remus's robes. "In the beginning I dared to hope that at least we… could be friends. But of course," again a slight shiver went through his thin form, "it was a stupid idea. Why would you put up with something like me if you had them…"
Remus was more than shocked by now. Know his place? Something like him? Was this how Severus Snape, head of Slytherin House, this seemingly proud and arrogant man, truly thought about himself? It was almost unbelievable. And yet - reminding himself of what he knew about Severus's childhood and what had happened with Lucius, Remus realised that this indeed must be the real Severus Snape. Someone who was broken, who had never thought of himself other than as worthless. The haughty and superior attitude the Slytherin had always displayed had been nothing but a façade.
Again Severus had begun to cry softly, the potion having torn down any barriers. Once more beginning to gently card his fingers through the other man's hair, Remus could not hold back his own, silent tears - tears of sympathy and guilt.
"I'm sorry, Severus," he whispered to the man in his arms. "I'm so sorry…"
What would have happened, had he not been such a coward? What if he had followed the affection he had felt for the Slytherin rather than letting his behaviour being ruled by the opinion of his housemates and his fear to lose them as friends? He would never know.
That evening, the two men cried for a friendship they had lost twenty-six years ago, a friendship they had never really had. Only time would show if they would be allowed a second chance.
"Mentis apertae" is the genitive of "mens aperta", which means "open mind" in Latin.