AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to post this chapter. My mom has been in town and it's been difficult finding the time to sit down and write without being bothered. I also have been ill and had to undergo a medical procedure. There really aren't any excuses for my late posting, but I assure you that there won't be such long periods of no updates. I hope you enjoy this chapter. You will find out what her "other life" is in the next chapter (Ch.6).

Thanks for all the reviews and kind words you all have posted. I hope they continue. It helps me figure out what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. Let me know if you need clarification on anything, and I'll be more than happy to explain it to you. Also, let me know if I'm not making sense in my writing because I'll definitely fix it. I want things to make sense! Thanks again and hope you like!

IMPORTANT A.N.: The recap is a lot longer this time because it's been so long since I've updated. I wanted to refresh your memory. I thought if I jumped right into the chapter, it could confuse people a bit if they couldn't remember what all had happened in Chapter 4. A few times, you will see … (3 dots) after a sentence or paragraph is finished, then it will skip a line and have … (3 more dots) . This shows that I skipped some parts in between those those 2 paragraphs or sentences. This only happens when you see the 3 dots, so don't get confused.

IMPORTANT A.N.: Also, the recap of Ch. 4 (after it says "previously") is in italics. Once chapter 5 begins, you will see certain quotes in Italics. These are to show you they are the characters thoughts; they are thinking in their head. I didn't do this in the previous chapters, but I am going to from now on.

Thanks, xo Laura xo

Summary (Ch.4):

Derek tells Meredith how worried he is about her. This causes her to get mad and push him further away. Mark tells Derek to back off and give her space, leading Derek to believe Mark knows what's going on with Meredith. Later that night, Meredith arrives home 1st and is flipping through a photo album. Izzie and George get home and they see Meredith looking at a picture of the same little girl they saw in photos in the locked room. They ask Meredith about her and she acts weird. They also ask her if George can move into the locked room. Meredith lies to them and asks if she can give them an answer the next day.

Previously…in Chapter 4...

"How's the knee?"

"It's fine! I don't know what the big deal is. It happened a week ago. It was an accident. No big deal. Why does everyone care so much?" she ranted.

"We care because we're worried; and I care because I care about you. When you fell to the ground, you looked like you were gonna be sick. What's the problem?"

Meredith looked right into his gorgeous blue eyes and almost melted. "I care about you too," she thought to herself. "What are you thinking Meredith? No, push him away. You can't trust him. He's only going to betray you in the end," her subconscious argued.

"The problem is that you shouldn't care. You're with Rose. I don't want you to care," she snapped.

She felt awful as his face showed his hurt. She had done that. Not knowing what to do or say, she gathered her charts and turned to walk away. But before she could get anywhere, he grabbed her arm. "Are you sure you're ok, Mer? I mean, you look absolutely exhausted. What's going on with you?" he asked as the hurt from his eyes disappeared, leaving only concern.

"When people say you look exhausted, they're trying to be nice. Really they just mean you look like shit. So thanks!" she seethed. Meredith tried to free herself from his grasp, but he wouldn't budge.

"That's not what I meant. You look beautiful no matter what. I'm just worried. You've lost weight and I never see you eating. Please, what's wrong?"

"Look, Dr. Shepard, I'm fine. Nothing is wrong. But if there was I wouldn't tell you, it isn't any of your business anymore. Rose is your girlfriend now, so worry about her. Just leave me alone!"

Defeated, he let go of her arm. "Fine Meredith, but just know that when you decide to fill me in. I'm here."…

…Mark walked up to him, having seen the entire interaction between the two. "You've got to let her go for now. She's right, leave her alone. You're only making things worse for her. Trust me," Mark advised.

Derek's head turned to look at him so fast, that a pain shot from his neck to the top of his head. "What do you know? Is she ok? Is it because of me? What? What is it?" he interrogated.

Shaking his head, he replied, "Just please trust me right now and let her go." Mark walked away, heading towards his next surgery.

Derek just watched him, feeling so helpless. "When does Mark ever give serious advice like that? Mark knows something. I have to get to the bottom of this," he thought, just as his pager went off. "Well, I'll figure it out later," he whispered and walked away.

She sat in the living room drinking her dinner (another one of her special shakes) and watching television. On her lap lay a small photo album. Meredith stared at each photo for minutes at a time, reminiscing. Every couple minutes she would flip to the next photo. This went on for approximately 15 minutes when she was interrupted by Izzie and George.

"Whatcha doin?" Izzie asked.

"Nothing much, just watching some TV before I head upstairs. I'm beat," Meredith replied.

She flipped to the next photo, which just so happened to be a picture of the little girl that George and Izzie had seen in the photos inside the locked room. Izzie quickly took the album from her. "Who is this? She's adorable!" Izzie questioned, fishing for information about the mysterious little girl.

Meredith snatched the album back and promptly closed it. "It's no one. She's…well she's a relative," she nervously stumbled.

Meredith began to stand up. "Who's kid? How are you related?" George asked.

"Um, it doesn't matter. I rarely see her," she sadly said. "Well, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night!" Meredith headed for the stairs, but stopped when she heard Izzie's voice….

…Izzie continued, "Right, sorry. Anyway, we decided that George should move out of my room, but he doesn't have anywhere else to go since Alex now lives in his old room. So, we were hoping that George could move into that room next to yours. You know? The one that's locked? What do you say? Is that cool?"

Meredith froze. That room was occupied, well it used to be. And it would be again. That is, if everything went according to her plan. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't give them the real reason George couldn't live there. "It's full of stuff. I've kind of been using it as storage. The stuff won't fit anywhere else," she said. She wasn't really lying per say; the room really was full of stuff, but it would fit in the attic.

"Well, the attic isn't completely full. Couldn't we put the stuff up there?" she asked.

Meredith needed time to think of a good reason that George couldn't move into that room. She was panicked. "Well I mean there's a LOT of stuff. I'm really exhausted right now, so is it alright if I have some time to think about it?" …

…"Tell me about it. Why did she lie about it being full of stuff that wouldn't fit in the attic? And when I asked her about the photo? What was that? She looked like she was gonna puke!" Izzie said to him.

"Something weird is definitely going on," said George, biting his top lip.

CHAPTER 5: takes place on May 17, 2008

Although Meredith couldn't have been more bushed (mentally, physically, and emotionally), she tossed and turned all night. "What am I gonna say to George? I've already hurt him so much in the past, not to mention he's had a rough time since he lost his father and split with Callie. I can't just say no flat out. I've got to figure out the perfect excuse. But what is it? 'Sorry guys, but it seems that you know absolutely NOTHING about me and my life. You see I'm the biggest liar you've ever met. Oh don't forget, I'm so fucking dumb for what I'm about to try. And if I'm successful, that room won't be empty any longer.' Ughhh. Like they would accept that without question!" Frustrated with not only her predicament, her many predicaments, but herself, Meredith's palm flew to her head in an exasperated manner. "I should be asleep right now. All I need is to royally screw up with a patient or kill one. That would be bad. Seriously. So bad. In fact, I'm surprised something like that hasn't happened to me lately. Everything else bad has!" Letting out a gigantic, somewhat angry sigh, she violently flipped to her other side. Maybe she'd be more comfortable sleeping like this. As her mind continued flying a million miles an hour, she finally passed out from exhaustion.

At this very moment in time, a small part of Meredith wished she'd drowned during the ferry accident. She had gotten maybe three hours of sleep TOTAL the entire night. Consistently waking up every 30 minutes or so was not her idea of a good nights sleep. When her alarm sounded at 2:40 am telling her it was time to go to her "other life" before work, she had a feeling. A feeling so strong that she called in sick to her "other life", stayed in bed, and tried to get another two hours of sleep before she had to be at work. Still, now at 5am, that feeling hadn't disappeared, but had only grown stronger and more intense. It was a feeling similar to the one she had woken up with the morning of the code black at Seattle Grace. Except, that feeling had been more of death waiting to claim her. It was as if she could see the Grim Reaper following her around that day, just waiting to take her. But this morning's feeling…had nothing to do with death. This one was more of a "oh crap, the devil's going to fuck with me today, make my life a living hell" kind of feeling. When some people think of the Devil, yes death certainly comes to mind. But this was as if she KNEW that today was going to be one of the worst days of her life, which spoke volumes to her because she thought that she had already experienced the worst day of her life…a few times now. "How could I have a worse day than the one four years ago or when I almost drowned, or…" she thought to herself. There were other horrific days and moments she'd experienced, but she knew that if she laid in bed remembering them, each and every last detail of them, that she would never have the courage to face what was to transpire today. What scared Meredith the most was that it wasn't just that this feeling was that today was going to be hell, but that she sensed loss and betrayal on top of whatever would happen. In fact, this feeling of loss was so intense that her eyes began to swell with tears. One by one silent tears transcended her pale face; there was no mistaking it, Meredith was terrified. More than terrified really. So frightened, that her mouth began to water as the bile rose from her stomach. Before she knew it, Meredith's covers were flying through the air toward the floor as she sprinted for the door. Concentrating only on getting to the bathroom before it was too late, she threw all her body weight against the door, practically knocking it off its hinges. She made it to the bathroom just in time to kneel before the porcelain God and pay the toll.

After emptying what very little her stomach contained, she leaned against the wall, fingers threaded through her hair, and cried. She cried for this day, she cried for her family and friends, but most of all, she cried for herself. Her moment of pity was over as Izzie knocked softly on her bathroom door. "Mer? Are you okay? Are you sick?" she softly asked through the wood of the door.

Leaning over the sink, "Uh, no Iz. I'm alright. I'll be out in a minute," she brushed her teeth and rinsed her face with cold water trying to get her body and emotions under control.

Izzie had to consciously keep from gasping at what she saw as the bathroom door opened. Meredith stood there, drowning in a pair of sweats and long sleeved red shirt, in fact she thought it looked like one of Derek's; her face was the color of the bleach white towel in her hand. Basically, she looked like someone that belonged in the hospital…as a patient. "You sure you're alright? If you're sick, maybe you should stay home," she said to Meredith, gently placing a concerned hand on her arm.

Meredith was silent for quite awhile, as her thoughts played a game of tug-of-war. With this feeling she'd woken up with, she wanted nothing more than to stay home. In bed. ALL day. But she couldn't, she knew she had to face whatever was going to take place today. Meredith grabbed on to Izzie's hand with her own, squeezed it in reassurance, and said looking straight in her eyes, "I'm fine. I promise. In fact, why don't we both quickly get dressed and have a nice breakfast together?"

Izzie couldn't have been more surprised at this proposition. It was very unlike Meredith to want to have a nice sit-down breakfast with her roommate. She looked at her oddly for a second until a huge smile appeared on her face. "That sounds amazing! Great idea! I'll cook, we can catch up." Izzie crossed her fingers and hoped that this was Meredith's way of reaching out and asking for some sort of help. That Meredith was ready to trust Izzie with whatever was happening in her life. "Ha, I'm gonna know before Christina!" Izzie excitedly thought. She couldn't help but dream that Mer was finally considering Izzie one of "her people", the same way she viewed Christina ("her person"). She longed for that bond with either Christina or Meredith. Izzie had always felt so left out. They were in their own little dark and twisty world and wouldn't let anyone else in. "I am dark and twisty too. Finally they've noticed!" Izzie thought to herself as she hurriedly got ready.

Meredith Grey was not the type of girl to go crazy with makeup or clothes when it came to work. Why go to the hospital in something "hot" and stylish when she would be changing out of it and into her scrubs within minutes of arriving for her shift. Sure she had cute and very "in" clothes that she wore for nice or special occasions, but work was not included as a nice occasion. However, today was different.

She didn't know exactly what was going to happen today; she only knew it was big, bad, and life changing. Because of this, Meredith decided that it was a great day to look fabulous. So after quickly showering, she went to work on her hair. Luckily, she was naturally pretty great and fast at doing her hair and other's. "Who would've guessed right?" she smirked and thought as she applied the finishing touches to her long, slightly wavy hair. No ponytail today. She wanted to look nice and put together, but definitely not over the top. After locking her door, a robe clad Meredith got down on her knees and reached around under her bed until she pulled out a box. Rifling through the neatly folded clothes inside, she finally chose the perfect outfit. Laying the clothes on the bed, she scoured for her wrap and tape. Once the items were located, she sat at the head of her bed, left leg stretched before her, and began carefully wrapping the bandage from the middle of her foot to the middle of her thigh with great patience and precision. Once she was satisfied with her work and knew that the wrap was secure, she grabbed the athletic tape and went to work. Meredith needed to make sure that certain spots were wrapped and taped in such a way that it not only acted as a crutch and protected the injury, but she was able to have full mobility and range of movement. Meredith stretched her now mummified leg a bit and jumped around, making sure her work was impeccable… just in case. Satisfied, she threw on her one of a kind custom Dolce and Gabanna medium wash jeans made especially for her (they just so happened to be her favorite jeans) and a gold tank top sporadically covered in gold sequins. Her favorite black leather bomber jacket and black Tory Burch flats finished off the look. Sure the pieces of clothing were all designer, but none of them had any labels on the outside. No one would know that these clothes were expensive and designer and came from her "other life". Throwing her scrubs, more athletic tape, socks, running shoes, black leggings, blue spandex shorts, and a black razor back shirt with built in sports bra in a gym bag, she ran downstairs to have breakfast with Izzie.

Smiling, "Woah, look at you! Who are you trying to impress? A guy? I've never seen you dress like this for work! You're a surgeon rockstar!" Izzie said to her as she came through the kitchen door.

Blushing Meredith replied, "Yeah, I know. I just felt like dressing more girly today. NO reason…NO guy…NO one to impress." She emphasized the word's "NO". "Just felt like being a little different today."

"Well you look amazing! You're coloring looks a lot better. You finally get some sleep last night?"

"Not really. Make-up. It can really work miracles."

Still unable to take her eyes away from Meredith and her "new look", she joked, "I bet you McDreamy is gonna die when he sees your fine skinny ass walk through the doors today! All he's gonna wanna do is jump you! Ha! Nurse Rose who?"

"I don't care what Dr. Shepard thinks of me. In fact I would prefer if I don't see him at all today or anytime soon! He just won't leave me alone and it's driving me crazy!" Meredith replied.

The fact that Meredith had just referred to Derek as Dr. Shepard did not go unnoticed by Izzie. Actually, she found it strange. Setting two plates of French toast, eggs, sausage, sourdough toast, turkey bacon, and potatoes down at the table, Izzie couldn't help herself. After all, Meredith left her a wide-open entrance. "He's just worried. In fact, we all are Mer. We know you are totally hiding something from us. You are always out somewhere mysterious, you barely sleep, you barely eat, you're jumpy, and quite frankly you've been looking like shit. Are you in some kind of trouble? You know you can trust me. You're my family. Let me be here for you."

Meredith picked up her fork and began eating, ignoring Izzie's heartfelt speech as long as she could. I mean what could she say? Not the truth, so she lied…well sort of. Placing her fork down and looking straight at her roommate, colleague, and friend, she calmly and quietly said, "I know Izzie. I know you've all been worried about me, but I promise you that everything will be fine. Things have just been so stressful lately. You guys are right, I haven't been taking as good a care of myself as I should; I realize that now, but things are going to change. There's no need to worry about me anymore. I've been taking care of myself since before I can remember. It's just the way I am. Just because I don't tell you every little thing about me or how I'm feeling, doesn't mean I don't trust you. Because I do, I really do. You're my family too and I hope it always stays that way." Meredith continued to eat the delicious breakfast Izzie had prepared them. Looking up and staring Iz straight in the eyes, her voice began to break and shake as she whispered, "No matter what happens, you will always be my family." As she heard George and Alex pummeling down the stairs, following the smell of Iz's cooking, she looked towards the sound of them laughing. "You all will." It took Izzie a second to realize that Meredith's eyes were glossy and watery, so she decided to leave the matter alone and continue eating in silence. Izzie jumped a little as she felt Meredith tightly grab her hand, "You know, we don't know everything about each other Iz. And that's ok. We know what we need to know and that's enough."

Izzie squeezed her hand, "I know Meredith. You're right. Just know, I'm always here if you need me. Even if it's just to lend a shoulder for you to cry on, or sit in silence sharing a gallon of strawberry ice cream. I'm here."

It took everything Meredith had not to spill anything about her secret. Instead she walked over, pulled Izzie to her feet and gave her the biggest hug. It was this sight that George and Alex walked in on. They looked at each other strangely, then walked over and joined the hug.

"What's going on? What did I miss?" George asked in his little boy voice.

Meredith and Izzie pulled away from each other and simultaneously said, "Nothing George."

"I feel so left out. Come on guys!"

Ignoring him, both girls sat down to finish their breakfast.

"Dude you look hot! What's with the new look?" Alex questioned, looking Meredith up and down.

"Just felt like wearing something different today."

"You look really nice Meredith. Those new clothes?" George asked.

"No, they're actually like… hm… five years old. I think," she answered.

Izzie was confused. She'd been in Meredith's closet numerous times to borrow something and she'd never seen any of the items Mer was wearing. "How come I've never seen them in your closet when I'm borrowing your clothes?"

"Guess you didn't look hard enough," Meredith smirked.

Just as the boys sat down with their plates of Izzie's scrumptious cooking, Meredith walked to the sink to rinse her off her empty plate. Izzie was ecstatic that Mer had eaten all her breakfast. "I guess she was telling the truth when she said things were going to get better," Iz thought.

"I'm gonna head out you guys. I've got to run a quick errand before work, so I'll see you at the meeting with the Chief, Attendings, Residents, and interns before rounds," Meredith announced.

"See you later!" George and Izzie said.

As she walked from the kitchen to the front door, she heard Alex whistle at her. "Yeah, see you later Hotstuff!"

Breakfast with Izzie was not only delicious, but Meredith had enjoyed their heart-to-heart discussion. She had wanted to have breakfast together since she had no idea what was going to happen today and she wanted one last happy moment before "the Devil had his fun with her". She would've asked George and Alex to join them to begin with, but she knew that it would mean a lot to Izzie if it was just them. Meredith knew Izzie felt like the third wheel when it came to Christina and her. She really didn't have an errand to run (just a phone call to make); she just wasn't ready to tell George he couldn't move into the locked room. It had been such a nice morning, that she didn't want to ruin it or upset anyone.

As she drove towards the hospital, Meredith patted her very full stomach and smiled. She couldn't have been more ecstatic over that fact that she didn't start the day off with one of her "special shakes". With the feeling she had, Meredith felt it was extremely wise to start the day off with a full meal that would give her energy for whatever she would have to face that day. You know what they say… breakfast is the most important meal of the day!

Before she reached Seattle Grace, Meredith pulled into an IHOP parking lot so she could make her private phone call. Making sure she was out of sight from the road in case her roommates passed it while she was still there, she chose a spot furthest away from the street with a ton of cars around her to keep her "invisible". Reaching for the gym bag she'd packed that morning, she dug around inside until she found the crystal covered cell phone she kept hidden from her friends. It was a lifeline to her "other life". She hit speed dial 2 and waited for someone to pick up. On the fifth ring, a groggy sleep-filled voice answered.

"Hello?" the voice said.

Meredith smiled, "Hey Mads, it's me! Sorry I woke you up. I… I just need to talk."

Suddenly the voice, or "Mads" as Meredith had referred to her, became much more awake. "You ok Mer? Anything happen? What do you need me to do? Who do I need to call? Does someone need to come get you? Are you hurt?" "Mads" was panicked and rattling off questions.

"Chill. I'm fine. I just… I have a feeling."

"Do you know what time it is?" "Mads" was angry. "You scared the fuck out of me! You never call me this early unless something is wrong! What the hell? I thought something had happened to you… that you were in trouble."

Meredith became defensive. "Yes, I know what time it is. It's 5:30 in the morning! I'm sorry it's so early, but I need to talk to you and it's the only time I can call you all day. You know I need privacy to talk to you. That's incredibly difficult to get at the house. I'll let you go. I'm sorry."

"Mads" felt bad. She knew Meredith wouldn't call her this early unless she really needed her. "No, I'm sorry I was a bitch. It's just that every time the phone rings, I find myself holding my breath, so scared that it's bad news. That something has happened to you." "Mads" sighed, followed by a huge deep breath. Anyway, what's going on? You said you have a feeling? What kind of feeling?" she asked Meredith, worry filling her voice.

"Don't worry, it's not a feeling of death. I just feel like something terrible is going to happen today. I feel like it's going to be the worst day EVER. And you know that says a lot, given the number 1 worst day I've ever had. I can't talk to any of my friends about it… just you."

"Mads" was awake and listening not only to every word Meredith said, but to the sound of her voice, the pauses she took. She listened to everything. She knew that Meredith rarely told anyone if something was wrong; so good luck getting her to tell them what exactly was wrong! Because of this, over the years, "Mads" had learned to figure out what was going on with Meredith by being unnaturally perceptive. "Well, what do you want me to do? Have everything ready? Call Big? Call Moe? Maybe you should just take the time off work now, instead of waiting for the announcement or for something to happen."

"No, not yet. Not if I don't have to. I do, however, want you to get EVERYTHING ready. Most likely we will have visitors soon, so have that all prepared. Also, I do want you to give a heads up to BIG… and… uh… I guess giving Moe a heads up wouldn't hurt either. But, Mads. Before you do anything else…"

"Make sure she's safe," interrupted "Mads", finishing her sentence.

"Yes. Thank you!" Meredith sniffled into the phone, holding back her tears. "Also, make sure you stay safe as well. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you… either one of you."

"You are the one that needs to stay safe! Promise me you'll be careful?" "Mads" voice was laced with love and concern.

Meredith smiled. Another person worried about her, but this one, she didn't mind. "Always. Well I've got to run. I'm going to be late for work. There's an important meeting before rounds. I'll call you when I can. Don't forget that I love you and miss you!"

"Miss you. Have a good day and stay safe. Don't kill any patients!" "Mads" giggled. "And don't forget that I love you too Mer."

Just as they were about to hang up, Meredith said, "When she wakes up, tell her I love her and that we'll all be together soon!"

"No problem. She'll be beside herself when I tell her I talked to you. Oh and give that McDreamy of yours a kick in the nuts for me! Luv ya, Bye!"

Before she could chastise "Mads", she heard the dial tone. "She always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better," she laughed to herself. Meredith turned the extremely girly phone off and placed it back in its safe and hidden spot in her gym bag. "It's time to face the day," she thought as she maneuvered the car back onto the street, heading for Seattle Grace.

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