Disclaimer: If the characters belonged to me, all my dreams would kind of come true.
Author's Note: At the time, all I wish is being able to write and write and write and deal with all those ideas and sentences hovering about in my head. But I can't, school is getting in the way, or let's say, my whole life is getting in the way. I do so hope I'm going to be able to write more. And the story – I love angsty Remus. I don't know whether I really like the story yet, but well. Kind of a songfic, and somehow implying slash (you know me).
I recommend you to listen to the song while you read it - that makes it a longer read. You'd just have to imagine a much angstier and more desparate version ;).
Remus is grieving over Sirius and losing himself in a certain song… Read and enjoy. And please, please tell me what you think. I don't know why, but this story got me the least reviews and least hits so far. Yes, I am a little heartbroken.
A Sadness Runs Through Him
(formerly 'We make this world our hell')
A young man was sitting near the window.
His face and body were young, but he was radiating with experience of life. His expression was old and worn; his features were carved in sorrow. As he sat, there was a beautiful sadness about him.
A guitar was lying next to him on the floor. He let his hand fall from his lap and stroked the strings. His fingers ran up the neck of the instrument and he devotedly picked it up.
He placed it on his thighs and adjusted his hands in just the right way. His long, slender fingers wrapped around the neck. They moved flawlessly, entrancingly. When the first tunes escaped the instrument, he closed his eyes. The small light that fell through the half-closed curtains of the parlour fell across his face. He had something contemplative about him, something that clearly expressed longing, and his face was full of agony. It was an expression you fell in love with at once. It was more stirring than one could ever express in words.
All around the man, there was antique furniture, along with obscure objects, old paintings covered in dust. His back was pressed against the wall, where a large tapestry was hanging, embroidered with countless names and lines. Whenever his gaze fell accidentally on one certain black spot on the tapestry, he rapidly turned his head away, mustering all his force to keep the tears on his long eyelashes from falling. Rain was falling outside, harmonically underlining the melody of the guitar.
He devoured his guitar, playing oh-so-gently, with absolute indulgence. His eyes fluttered shut of their own accord, and he tensed a little when he started to sing.
"Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?"
This time he couldn't hold back. This time, a tear fought its way down his delicate cheek. The soft, pale skin glistened silvery where the small drop left its trail. His voice became more desperate.
"Would it be the same
if I saw you in heaven?"
A small sob wound itself amongst the euphony.
"I must be strong
and carry on,
'cause I know I don't belong
here in heaven."
The guitar kept playing the contemplative tunes while the man was breaking down, bit by bit. His agony became more and more visible. His fingers never lost control over the instrument as he whispered almost inaudibly, "But how can I?"
As he lost himself in his song, he let go of his feelings for one first time. His emotions slipped away from the lattice he had built around his soul and began to take over his body until it was reined by them.
"Would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven?"
Another sob. The pain was stabbing him, while his thoughts wandered back to so many memories. He paid dearly for his bliss.
"Will I find my way
through night and day,
'cause I know I just can't stay
here in heaven?"
Razor-sharp sorrow was slicing his soul into pieces. And it didn't stop. He could not stop playing. His song went on and on.
"Time can bring you down,
time can bend your knees,
time can break your heart,
have you begging please, begging please…"
He was singing the truest words ever spoken. The light was fading; the rain was, too. Everything was dust.
"Beyond the door,
there's peace I'm sure,
and I know there'll be no more
tears in heaven."
He wished with all his heart he could go there. He was trapped in this prison of his sorrow, trapped in the world he didn't feel he belonged anymore, trapped without the person that had been his life. He was utterly, completely alone.
"Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
if I saw you in heaven?"
He wanted to die. He wanted to get away from all the mundane intransigence, from all the cruelty. Yet he couldn't.
"I must be strong
and carry on,
'cause I know I don't belong
here in heaven…"
He sank down on the wall. The guitar slipped out of his grip and down on the floor with the smallest noise. The man was sobbing uncontrollably, letting his tears fall. He was shaking violently, trembling in his prison of pain. Sparkling, silver tears splattered the floor. Some landed on the guitar next to him, where they lay gleaming moistly; the embodiment of his grief. He didn't lift his eyes, he didn't see.
A person was standing in the doorway. A young woman had entered the room, a girl with innocent features and a slim silhouette. Her eyes were full of compassion, full of love. She felt for him; she comprehended his pain, but she would never understand it. All she wished was making it better for him. Give him some purpose and help him to survive just a little longer.
She walked through the room and stepped towards him. Quietly, she sat down in front of the man and gently touched his arm. He flinched violently and then looked at her distraughtly.
"Oh Remus," Nymphadora whispered.
Slowly, she was getting nearer and nearer. She smoothly palmed his cheek and looked at him lovingly. She placed her lips softly upon his.
He sprang up at once, with frantic eyes, his face fraught with hurt and distress.
"I can't!" he choked, "I just can't!"
And he ran away, back into the dark.
He would find something that made his stay on earth more worthwhile. He would find help and love. But eventually, he couldn't be saved, nobody would ever ease the sadness that ran through him.
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