Author's Notes: Sorry for making you guys wait forever for this cruddy update, guys.

I've been going through a deadly disease called "Writer's block."

And still am. Kind of.

Chapter Seventeen - Holding On

"Seth? Are you okay?"

I put a hand on his shoulder and looked at him with what I was sure was a concerned face. All around us, the sound of beeping, chatter, and usual Dan's Groceries insanity blasted upon our ears. Seth turned to me from the wall he'd been staring at for the last five minutes, obviously zoned out, and said, "What?"

I frowned. He looked pale. Pale and weak and tired. "Come take your lunch break with me. Please. It'll do you good."

"I'm not hungry," he replied, and turned away.

"If it's something I did--" I began, but he cut me off.

"No, you didn't do anything. I'm fine."

I was about to protest, but a woman was standing in my checkout line and complaining, so I reluctantly turned around.

Later that night, I had to drag Seth off of the couch, which was nearly impossible, considering how much he weighed. Then he started grumbling when I said I'd packed our dinner and was ready to go eat it on the beach, like a little picnic. "You need the fresh air," I told him. "Plus, I don't think you've eaten all day."

"I'm not hungry," he said again.

"Oh, shut up. You know you are. You've been like this all week and I'm not going to stand it anymore." I put my arm around his shoulder and lugged him to the front door. God, this was exhausting. If he could only cooperate for five seconds, it would be so much easier. "Okay, if you won't do this for yourself, at least do it for me," I said. I was trying to be nice but it sounded more like a growl.

That won him over. He straightened himself up and walked with me. Finally.

I was expecting the beach to be quiet and peaceful, considering that it was night and all, but apparently it was not. Jared, Sam, and about four of Paul's friends were playing football. Emily was sitting a few feet away from us and reading some pregnancy magazine, though how in the world she could see the pages in the dark, I had no idea. Next to her was my sister, CJ wrapped in her arms. CJ kept tugging on her hair but she didn't notice, as she was busy talking to Emily.

"…but month two is when you really start to feel bad, because you're sweaty and throwing up all over the place," Heather was saying. I kept forgetting that she was farther along than Emily. "Just be sure to take care of yourself, because if you don't, it makes everything a lot worse. Eat plenty of cantaloupe and carrots, because they really help you feel better in general."

"By 'take care of yourself,'" Emily said, "you mean…what, exactly?"

"Take a bath whenever you can, paint your nails, do your hair, that kind of thing. If you feel good on the outside, sooner or later you'll feel great on the inside." Heather hadn't even gone through pregnancy's fourth month and was talking as if she was a professional on the subject.

"So Seth," I said, turning to him. "How are you feeling?"

He shrugged, swallowing the peanut butter and banana sandwich he'd shoved in his mouth whole. He was finally eating, thank goodness; I'd started to worry about him. "I don't know. Kind of…you know. Just kind of…"

"You can't really explain it," I said, nodding. "I know the feeling." And I did. Living with Ciara, it was hard not to. After every argument, after every accusations had been shouted, every tear shed, every door slammed, Ciara went off to smoke a cigarette while I locked myself in my bedroom (or, if I shared my room with her, the bathroom) and thought about things. That same dull emotion Seth was feeling now had flowed through me, as well. It was impossible to describe, mainly because it was just…nothing. You couldn't say if you were angry or depressed, surprised or pleased, because you were none, but at the same time, all of them. The closest I could come to describing it was a blank sheet of paper, neither cold nor hot, exciting nor boring, just…there. Existing, if you could call it that.

"I'm sorry," I said, leaning against his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around my waist and gazed at the sea. "No, wait; I'm sure you're sick of hearing that. I meant to say 'That sucks.'"

Seth laughed, a dead, toneless sound that made me look up at him with sudden panic. "Seth, are you okay?" I asked. "You've been acting so weird lately and--"

"I'm fine," he replied dryly.

"No, you're not."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not, and you know it."

"Willow, I'm f--"

"Stop lying to me, dammit!" I practically screamed, fed up with it. Heather and Emily looked over at us with raised eyebrows, and I lowered my voice. "Look, Seth, I really care about you, and I'm worried. You've been acting down in the dumps lately…is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know."

"And you're absolutely positive that it wasn't something I did."

"I am 100 positive, no doubt about it at all." Seth kissed my forehead and grinned a hollow smile. "You are so insecure sometimes."

"And you love me for it," I joked.

"Indeed."

"Answer me honestly, though," I said after a minute. "If I'm not the problem, then what is?"

"Well…it's kind of hard to explain…it's kind of…about…Le--"

He stopped there and his eyes widened; it had obviously not been his plan to let the last part slip. I still knew who he was talking about: Leah. I took in a sharp breath as it all fell into place. Of course he missed his sister. Good God, I was an idiot.

"I'm so sorry! I totally forgot - man, I'm a - of course, Leah - I should've--" I stumbled over my words in my haste to get out my apology, but I think Seth got the message.

"It's okay," he said. "But that's not the whole problem. I mean, yeah, I do miss her, but it's not - crap - I don't - uggh…" Seth gave me a pathetic expression that made my heart hurt. "You know what I'm trying to say, right?"

"Not really."

"Well, what I'm trying to say is that even though I miss Leah, that's not the main problem. It's kind of hard to say, but…since she left because of Sam…kind of makes me worry about our relationship."

What?

"I mean…I was just thinking about…if…if something was to happen to you and me…"

I sat there for what must have been a good ten minutes trying to figure out what he was saying. And then, finally, I understood. He was afraid I could possibly leave him…or something like that. Seth could be pretty weird sometimes.

"And you call me the insecure one," I teased. "You know I'd never do that."

"Yeah, well…never mind," Seth grumbled, obviously uncomfortable with the subject.

But I wasn't going to let this go, so I pulled it right back in between us. "You are the most wonderful person I've ever met, Seth, and not even a dude beating me over the head with a flaming torch and trying to drag me off could ever keep me away from you." This was sounding cheesy, but it was the truth.

Seth smiled. "What in the world did I ever do to deserve you?" And then he kissed me, and I knew whatever depression he'd been going through was mostly over; I could see it in his eyes.

We broke away and I curled against him, feeling a drop of water hit my head. Great. Rain again. But I didn't really mind, because Seth was so warm. It was actually very nice.

Another drop, then another, and another, and suddenly it was pouring, the rain beating down on the sandy terrain. Seth and I stood up. Seeing as Heather and I had no car, we'd walked here, which meant we'd have to run all the way back home.

"You guys go ahead," Heather said to us. "I'll catch up with you later; I'm going to Emily's house for a bit."

"Okay," I replied, linking my hand in Seth's. We ran for it, getting soaked in the process. Once we rounded the corner, we took shelter under a bunch of trees lining the sidewalk, slowing our pace down a bit. And then of course I somehow managed to crash into Seth, which was like running into a rock; I stepped away with a stagger, a bit disoriented.

"Are you alright?" Seth asked me worriedly.

"Yeah, fine." This wasn't the truth; my shoulder, which had gotten bumped, was throbbing, and I was positive there would be a bruise in the morning. But Seth didn't need to know that.

A police car from Forks cruised by slowly, and I watched it, wondering what in the world was going on. After it disappeared from sight, I turned to Seth with raised eyebrows.

"I bet you five dollars that it was something Paul lit on fire," he said.

I laughed. "Okay, it's on, then." We walked along in silence before reaching my house. By now it was really raining, which it always did in La Push: five seconds after the first drop of rain, a walloping storm would cover everything, giving someone little to no time to run home. Indeed, we were sopping wet, and I was shivering a little.

"How in the hell is Heather going to get home in this?" I asked, digging in my pocket for the house key. "She doesn't have a car."

Way to state the obvious.

"I guess she'll have to spend the night at Emily's," Seth suggested.

"But she had CJ."

"Oh, right. Well, I don't know, either."

Where was the key? I'd been searching every inch of my pockets for it and my hands had met nothing. Our puny little porch cover was doing nothing to shield us from the rain, and I cussed under my breath as some slid off of the roof and hit me in the face.

"Crap," I said a second later. "Crap, crap, crap."

"What is it?" Seth asked, holding a hand over his eyes as the rain tried to attack his face.

"Heather has the key. I totally forgot. Crap…this isn't good…" Worst of all, neither of us had cell phones to call Heather, so this could turn into a big problem very shortly. When I was fifteen, some girl had taught me how to open a lock with a barrette because she'd been trying to break into a store for cigarettes. But I didn't have a barrette now, so we were stuck.

"Would this help?" Seth questioned, lifting up a flower pot and handing me the barrette I always stuck under there. I'd completely forgotten about it.

"Seth, you're a lifesaver." Within a few minutes I'd gotten the lock open and we stumbled inside. I shivered again. "It's cold--" I began, only to be interrupted as Seth wrapped his arms around me and smiled.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"Much."

We stood there in silence for a few moments. The rain was making me tired, and I was about to walk over to the couch and collapse on it when there was a knock on the door.

"Who the heck is that?" I grumbled, going over to open it.

A sheet of rain smacked me, and I blinked. Standing beneath our wimpy porch light was a middle-aged guy with a police officer's uniform on, badge stuck on his shirt. From behind him, I could see the Forks police car that had driven down the road.

"Hello," he said. "Is this the Davidson residence?"

"Yeah…why?"

"I was contacted from Wyoming with some news I need to tell you."

"Oh." I realized a second later that I was just standing in the doorway like an idiot, so I stepped aside and he came in, sitting down on the couch. He greeted Seth as I sat in an armchair across from them.

"You're Willow, correct?"

"Yes."

"Where is your sister?" the police officer asked.

"She's at a friend's house."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Willow," he said cheerfully. "I'm Charlie Swan."

I didn't know how to reply to that, so I just sat there and nodded.

"Today, the police from southern Wyoming called me to tell you some very unfortunate news. They sent me their deepest apologies."

Wyoming? What in the world did Heather and I have anything to do with Wyoming? I couldn't think of anything at all. Seth had a worried expression and reached out to hold my hand, biting down on his lip.

"Willow," said Charlie, "I regret to inform you that two nights ago, your mother's body was found in her home. She had been dead for over three hours before a neighbor came across her."

It was all I could do to keep from breaking down on the spot. Because I knew that if I did, I would start screaming and would never, ever be able to stop…