A/N: I've failed…It's gone past xmas… Oh well, it'll be ready by xmas 08! LOL. On with the fic.
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue
Party of the Three Kingdoms II
Chapter 7 – The Talent Show
"Welcome to our talent show – Muhahahaha!!!" Sima Yi smirked. "If I don't like your act then I'm not gonna let you have any presents!!!"
"NO!" Zhang He yelled right in Sima Yi's ear.
"Zhang He, shut up. I'll let you and all of Wei have their gifts – they've earned it."
The other kingdoms muttered amongst themselves.
"Well, one with the show – Zhao Yun, you're first. Come on, Poster-boy, let's not wait for the grass to grow!" Sima Yi shouted.
Zhao Yun stood on the stage, as nervous as he felt, from the audience's point of view he looked as if he did this everyday. Which was correct, but he began to flex his muscles and strike poses as if someone was taking his photo.
"Get of the stage!" Sima Yi roared. "That's so boring. My dad could do better than that!"
"Now it's a group!" Zhang He screamed in joy. "Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei – yay!"
The three brothers stood in their vegetable outfits. Then they began to sing in a way that would've made Simon Cowell drop dead, "you should eat your vegetables. They will make you big and strong like us!"
Then they went into solos. Liu Bei was up first, "cabbage is bright and green. It will turn you into a rabbit…"
And Guan Yu, "Broccoli looks like a tree. You will turn into a strong tree, tall and green."
Zhang Fei ended the terrible song, "CAULIFLOWER!!! You can't go wrong. It looks like a flower and your girlfriend will love it!!!"
Sima Yi was in fits of laughter. His face was beetroot red and he could barely breathe…
The Teletubies, Zhao Yun, Ma Chao, Yue Ying and Jiang Wei made big fools of themselves.
Firstly, tomatoes were thrown at Zhao Yun because this was his second appearance on stage and because they acted out the most stupid scene in teletubie history… It was so gay…
"Now, over to Lu Xun – OMG! He's got his schoolgirl outfit on!!!" Sima Yi laughed. He did, however, forget to mention that the young man was soaking wet. He looked as if he'd just been swimming. But at Xia Pi there was no swimming pool… Zhou Yu looked at the window – it wasn't even raining…
Then Lu Xun opened his mouth and the reason behind school uniform became very clear.
"All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head…" he sung. To tell the truth, he wasn't that bad a singer and really he'd done quite well – he almost looked like one of the girls (minus the boobs and black hair). But the thing that made Sima Yi laugh was the acting… Lu Xun was just hugging himself…well, he was. Until Zhang He threw himself on stage – then the young strategist decided that Zhang He would make a good substitute. Lu Xun pulled Zhang He towards him and during the instrumental he snogged Zhang He – almost to death it seemed.
Sima Yi found this hilarious…well sort of. If he hadn't of known that Lu Xun was already in a relationship, then he would've kicked his butt into next Christmas!!!
"And now for the four-act – Zhou Yu (as Dong Zhuo), Sun Ce (as Liu Bei), Sun Jian and Sun Quan (who's acting as Cao Cao!)."
Cao Cao's mouth fell to the floor as Sun Quan walked on looking nothing like him. He looked UGLY!!! The worst cosplay Cao Cao had ever seen – why couldn't Sun Ce had played him?
Even Zhou Yu had made Dong Zhuo look prettier than him!!! This was well bad. They could sleep outside tonight!
Other acts included Zhu Rong riding Meng Huo like a horse whilst chasing Wei Yan and the two Qiao's doing a bit of fan dancing ("yawn," says Sima Yi). Lu Bu and Diao Chan acted out a very emotional love scene.
But it wouldn't end with someone so boring. Sima Yi had made sure that this person went last. After coming second in the fancy dress competition, Sima Yi felt sure that he would be just as entertaining in the talent show.
"Zhuge Liang, get up here and entertain me!" Sima Yi demanded.
Zhuge Liang came on, back in his long white and green robes.
"The art of war is very hard to master…" he began. Oh no – this was gonna be crap!
But then Jiang Wei hit the play button on the CD player he held and at the same time Zhuge Liang ripped of his robes to reveal his women's underwear from earlier.
"WTF?!" Sima Yi's eyes were wide with shock. Zhang He giggled as Jiang Wei placed a pole upright on the stage. "He's gonna pole dance!!!" Sima Yi screamed.
That was it! Sima Yi pulled a camera out and began to snap away – Zhuge Liang wouldn't get away with this – this stupidity would haunt his forever – Sima Yi would make sure of it!!!
Zhuge Liang took hold of the metal pole and began to wind his legs around it, spinning and twisting… He was never gonna live this done once Sima Yi had finished…
XOXOXOX
After 11 minutes, Sima Yi returned to the stage with his 'glamorous' assistant – ZHANG HE!!!
"This has been extremely hard – that's why it took 11 minutes, instead of 10," Sima Yi explained. "So in 3rd place is… LU BU & DIAO CHAN!!! Ha! You got slapped you slut!!!"
Actually, everyone was really surprised that these two came 3rd – after all, they hadn't really embarrassed themselves.
"And in 2nd," said Zhang He.
"…The vegetables – LIU BEI, GUAN YU AND ZHANG FEI!!!!" Sima Yi gave the most evil smirk ever. "Well done, broccoli." He patted Guan Yu on the back.
"And finally – in 1st place…" Zhang He announced.
"It's LU XUN!!!" Sima Yi shouted.
"YES!!!!!!!!!!" Lu Xun yelled so loud that that they probably could've heard him in Russia.
"ONLY JOKING!!!" Sima Yi laughed. Man, he was so evil.
Lu Xun burst into tears and ran from the room.
"The real winner is… ZHUGE LIANG!!!!"
Everyone knew that this was no bluff and Shu began to cheer, but Wu were kind of annoyed for two reasons – one, their officer had just been hurt and laughed and two, Zhuge Liang practically won the fancy dress… So, yeah, they were pretty sad.
"Well, enough of these competitions," Cao Cao said. Then to Sima Yi he whispered, "what's the next phase?"
"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!"
A/N: Done. Yay. Quite quickly actually…