The Third Day: Ol' Dirty Bastard

"Look, guys! I found a...a..."

"A fork?"

"A fork! Cool!"

"Yeah, sure. Look, um, can you help us find—"

"More treasure? Sure! Let me go find some..."

"Oh, well..."

"What was that?"

"Sounds like a big shark that's about to burst through the window!"

"Very keen."

"There sure are a lot of italics in this part," Roxxorz noted as he awoke

He staggered out the door onto the street and was stumbling around drunkenly when he rounded a corner and saw Omelet and Pencil approaching.

As they approached, Pencil leapt up in the air and shouted, "GOOD MORNING, MAH NIGG—"

With an audible ZOOP, the two suddenly froze, Pencil suspended in mid-air, his face twisted like a cat in heat undergoing a neutering process.

"Wha!?" Roxxorz began running toward them, but with a loud POOF a petit blonde girl abruptly materialized in front of him, blocking his path. He slammed on the brakes, flailing wildly to stop from running into her.

"Hello, Roxxorz," she said warmly. She wore a white dress and had a strangely familiar face…no foreshadowing here or anything…no ominous music, either…

Roxxorz stared at her. "Who are y—"

The girl held up a hand to silence him. When he tried to talk again, she smacked him on the head.

"I wanted to meet you at least once," she snapped, "But if I'd known you'd be so damn talky I wouldn't have come. Now hush."

"You wanted...to…meet…me?" Roxxorz said, frowning and drooling slightly.

"Yeah." She smiled. "All right, later!"

"H-hey! Wait!"

But she spun around, clapped her hands, snapped her fingers, winked, nodded her head, cracked her knuckles, punched herself in the jaw, performed the sign language for "bitches ain't shit," did a back flip, did a tail grab, did a misty, and disappeared in a poof of logic.

"Roxxorz!"

Roxxorz jumped as Omelet shook him on the shoulder. He quickly wiped the drool off of his face.

"What you starin' at, boy?" Pencil said, whacking him on the head. "You like you wunna them ZOMBIES or somethin'."

"Sorry," he said. "Just...thought I saw something."

Pencil did his "das-whack" expression. "What, you mean like wunna dem GHOSTS? Mayne, dat shit CRAZY."

"No…I wonder…where…she…went?" Roxxorz said distantly, wandering past them and looking at nothing in particular.

As he caressed the brick wall lovingly, humming to himself, Omelet looked at Pencil. "You didn't slip anything in his fresh-water ice cream again, did you?"

"HELL naw!" hollered Pencil. "Dat was sum funny shit, but afta he started talkin' to Hater about adoptin a BABY and movin to fuggin' CAMBODIA, it got kinda WEIRD, nigga…"

Omelet shuddered. "Don't remind me…"

The Fourth Day: Raekwon

Roxxorz opened his eyes and looked about bewilderedly. He found himself standing on a stain-glass tower, an island of light surrounded by thick, endless darkness. The stain-glass floor on which he stood depicted a chilled-out, dildo-wielding boy who bore an uncanny resemblance to Roxxorz…except gayer.

"Hey!" Sore would have cried if he weren't locked inside a giant egg.

Roxxorz stepped forward and saw a bright light before him. He frowned. "Didn't Sore already go through this in the first game?" he mumbled.

Oh, you don't LIKE it, huh!? the unseen voice growled. Well, let's see how you like THIS!

Roxxorz turned and found himself greeted by a hulking, ferocious-looking white creature with a number of floppy, penis-like appendages protruding from its torso. On the creature's chest was branded a strange symbol that resembled, of all things, a razor blade…the sign of the Emobodies.

"Jesus," Roxxorz sighed as the giant Emobody promptly fell on him and crushed him to death.

"What the FUCK was that!?"

"Awesome, that's what it was. And they told me my tentacle-monster designs were sub-par…"

"Whatever, man. What about the girl?"

"She has disobeyed us. That was a grave transgression she performed yesterday. Punish her accordingly…ha…ha, ha…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA."

"That was mildly intimidating."

"Thank you. I try."

Roxxorz bolted up in his bed, sweating profusely. He looked around, but there was no darkness, no crazy giant creatures to attack him…just his room, and a bunch of Mexicans huddled in the corner glaring at him. In other words, nothing out of the ordinary.

He sighed and laid back down, rubbing his eyes. "So many dreams…"

He bolted up again, causing the Mexicans to scatter and jump out the window. "THE TOURNAMENT!" he shouted, remembering the combat-based tournament in which he and Hater were participating today, the details of which the author was too lazy to go back and insert somewhere.

Roxxorz stumbled out into the Mudlot, brandishing his styrofoam weapon fiercely.

"And HEEEEEEEEEERE'S RRRRRRRRRROXXORZ!" he heard the announcer cry as he made his way to the front of the crowd and climbed up on the platform to be greeted with raucous, jubilant praise in the form of loud shouting and throwing of tomatoes.

"Now, then," the overweight, mustachioed announcer said dramatically, "All the contestants are here, we're finally ready to begin! Let's—"

With an audible ZOOP, everything froze yet again. Roxxorz looked around and was preparing to crack a lame joke about "disc read error" when he turned and saw yet another hooded figure in black.

"You guys sure are persistent," Roxxorz sighed, readying his weapon in preparation for battle.

But the figure made no motion to attack; instead, he stepped forward and removed his hood, revealing a fierce-looking man with intense green eyes and a head of long, spiky red hair.

"Roxxorz?" he said, extending a gloved hand. "It's me…Haxxorz."

Roxxorz stared at him blankly. "…Haxxorz?"

The man's eyes suddenly welled with tears. "It's true… you…you…DON'T REMEMBER," he wailed, falling to his knees and bawling like a woman.

"Hey!" Roxxorz cried, throwing down his weapon and running over to the sobbing man. "Hey, look, I'm sorry…" He knelt and put a hand on Haxxorz's shoulders. "Don't cry…"

Suddenly, Roxxorz saw the glint of metal below him, and he leapt back just as a spiked hubcap missed his stomach by inches. "Jesus!" Roxxorz cried.

Haxxorz grinned maliciously, twirling the hubcap in his hand, and stood. "You always were a sucker for crying men, Roxxorz," he laughed.

"Fuck you!" Roxxorz cried, picking up his weapon.

"Not today, I'm afraid," said Haxxorz. "By now he knows I'm here…"

"Who knows?"

Just as he said this, a strange-looking man wrapped in colorful, fruity bandages materialized from nowhere.

"Roxxorz!" the new stranger cried. "This man speaks nonsense! He's from the IRS!"

"I know you are, but what am I?" jeered Haxxorz.

"Silence. fool!" the stranger barked. "Roxxorz, look at me!"

"No, look at me! You know you want me!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"You'd think the author would be a little more discreet about filler, wouldn't you?"

"Shut UP!" Roxxorz screamed over the voices, clenching his fists. "SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! URGHGHRHHHGHHGHGHHH!" He pounded the ground furiously with both fists, foaming at the mouth.

Then, with a loud FWOOP, Roxxorz looked up and found the men to be gone and saw everyone staring at him.

He grinned sheepishly and stood, rubbing his head. "Heh heh…just, uh, warming up, guys…y'know, punching the ground…better than punching my wife, right? Heh…"

Several hours and many tasteless penis-related jokes later, Roxxorz had won the tournament, a slew of defeated fighters around his feet.

"Presenting the NEW CHAMPION!" cried the announcer, raising Roxxorz's right arm and nearly ripping it off in the process. "RRRRRRRRRROXXORZ!"

As Roxxorz bowed in acceptance to more excited tomato-throwing and rioting, the announcer continued: "Now then, as champion, Roxxorz will have the opportunity to take on our special guest, the legendary fighter…GIVE IT UP for SELTZERRRRRRRRR!"

Roxxorz turned to regard his new adversary, a heavily scarred, strange-looking man in purple harlequin garb.

Seltzer raised an eyebrow as Roxxorz readied his weapon. "Hey, Roughsex or whatever," he said coolly. "How's about you throw the fight for me?"

"Roxxorz! Focus!" Hater would have called except that he happened to be one of the defeated fighters and thus was in the fetal position on the ground, whispering "Damn you" over and over. So he didn't.

"Let me win, and I'll make it worth your while," Seltzer continued.

"I don't think so," Roxxorz said, tightening his grip on his weapon.

Seltzer's face darkened. "That's too bad," he said. "I'm sure we'd all hate to wake up tomorrow and find that our newest champion's house has been burned to the gr—"

"Doof," announced Roxxorz's weapon.

"Skeet," added Roxxorz.

"Ooooogh," noted Seltzer as he slumped over unconscious.

"HOORAY," agreed the crowd.

TO BE CONTINUED...GETTING CLOSER NOW...PATIENCE, CHILDREN...