The Fifth Day: RZA
"Well, Sore...we meet again. You've always been rivals, you and I. You've always pushed me, as I've always pushed you. But today...it ends! Let the dildo decide...its true master!"
"Huh!?"
"Un-Benificent was right. You don't have what it takes to save Kylie."
"Bu...wha...I...hu...fe...sh…"
"You were just the delivery boyEEEEEAAAAAGH!"
"Never try to steal a man's dildo."
"If I'm not mistaken, that looks like the Negroid Anti-Dildo 3004."
"Yes, a fine model. Crafted using only the flesh of African-Americans."
"Come out and SHOW YOURSELF, Mundus!"
"So what do we do now?"
"We fuck the cheerleaders!"
"..."
"..."
"Sore!"
"Kylie!"
"Dante...I will return...and I will RULE THIS WORLD!"
Roxxorz declined to even comment on this dream sequence. Cocky bastard.
As he entered the Unusual Spot, Roxxorz heard raised voices.
"…don't see why we have to waste a day doing it," Hater was saying.
"Because it's homework!" Omelet said sternly, crossing her arms.
"In case you haven't noticed, we're portrayed in this parody has having the collective intelligence of a friggin' 6-year-old!" Hater retorted, gesturing toward Pencil, who was rolling around in burnt popcorn and loudly air-saxophoning the theme song from "Family Matters."
"I'll just sleep with the teacher or something," interjected Roxxorz.
Omelet glowered at him. "What if our teacher's a guy?"
"Then YOU sleep with him! Or Hater!"
"Hey, that was only once, and I didn't even know what was going on," Hater said. "And I wrote a formal letter of apology to the Secretary of Defense. And I returned all the orangutans. And—"
"Yeah, yeah, we know," Roxxorz sighed. "Look, let's just do this so I can go to that abandoned mansion and have weird epiphanies and shit."
"NEEEEE NEE NE NEEE NEEEEEE NENENEEE!" agreed Pencil.
Roxxorz and Pencil stumbled out of the woods and found themselves in a clearing. As their eyes adjusted to the light, they both gasped.
"Gasp!" they cried.
Before them, looming in the 10-in-the-morning air, enclosed by a high wall and locked gate, shrouded in an eerie aura, circled by big, scary crows that did NOT care where they went to the bathroom, and maybe even inhabited by crazy brain-eating zombies and some girl known only as "the Master of Unlocking," stood a mansion.
"This is IT, nigga," Pencil said breathlessly, "The SEVENTH MOTHAFUCKIN WONDA of 10-in-the-Morning Town…"
It was Roxxorz's opinion that the seven wonders probably had less to do with creepy mansions and more to do with Hater's mom (oh snap, what now), but before he could speak, he heard a strange voice.
"Roxxorz…"
Roxxorz looked around. "Huh?"
"Roxxorz…I am your father…wait, shit, I got my scripts messed up…"
"Who's there?"
BZZZZZZZZZZZZT
A sharp pain seared through Roxxor's head, and he fell to his knees.
"Roxxorz!"
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT
Roxxorz rolled around in pain. "Ungh…ungh…"
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZCCRKCEKRKERKCRACKALACKFRCELEKRZZRKCZKZCZKCZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZzZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZzZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Roxxorz opened his eyes and found himself in a completely white room. He heard a noise and turned to see none other than Eric Clapton, wailing on a guitar and singing loudly:
"IN THE WHITE ROOM, WITH BLACK CURTAINS, NEAR THE STATION!"
Ha, ha! No, seriously, he turned to see none other than the familiar blonde girl from earlier sitting at the end of a long white table.
"Who…who are you?" Roxxorz said, stepping forward and nearly running into the all-white table.
She smiled at him. "My name…is Nominee."
"Nominee for what? Creepiest bitch in the land?"
Nominee scowled. "Jeez, strong words coming from a guy having a gay love affair with an androgynous fire-crotch. Have you seen the stuff written about you two on this website? Nobody can even get a word in edgewise over the roughly 8 million submissions a day of AxelSoraRoxasRiku love-quadrangles."
Roxxorz was coming up with a clever retort when he noticed some shitty stick-figure drawings tacked up on the wall.
"Are those yours?" he laughed.
"Yes," Nominee said. "I was born with a disorder that allow me to draw things that have no relation to this game whatsoever and only make sense if you've played the Gameboy Advance game, entitled 'Kingdom Hearts: Adventures in Alzheimer's,' which you can pick up today for—"
"Yeah, yeah," Roxxorz said. "Look, are we going to fuck or what?"
But before Nominee could answer, the center of the table abruptly melted as a swirling pool of boiling hot tar materialized, out of which emerged yet another black-hooded figure, the weird guy with fruity bandages from earlier, and Rikimaru, the stealth ninja from the acclaimed Tenchu series of videogames.
"That's enough, Nominee!" said the bandaged-up guy, grabbing her arm. "You're coming to Taco Bell with us!"
"No!" Nominee cried. "He has a right to know! And I hate Taco Bell!"
"Know what?" Roxxorz said, arching an eyebrow.
"But you know we need you!" the bandaged man replied. "You're the only one who can go through the drive-through without us getting the cops called on us!"
"Know what?" Roxxorz said again, louder this time.
"I only have a permit right now!" Nominee cried. "If we ever get pulled over, we're probably screwed! It's not like you guys have IDs or—"
"KNOW WHAT?" Roxxorz screamed.
"THAT YOU'RE AN EMOBODY!" the bandaged man cried.
A silence fell over the room, except, of course, for Rikimaru, who was ripping up the crappy drawings and cackling as he threw them up into the air like confetti.
"I'm an…Emobody?" Roxxorz said.
"That's enough! You know too much!" cried the bandaged man. "Come, we're leaving!"
"Roxxorz!" cried Nominee as they dragged her toward the bubbling tar portal.
"Wait!" Roxxorz cried, running forward. But the hooded figure deftly clotheslined him, sending him sprawling. The last thing he saw was Nominee reaching out to him, surrounded by murky darkness…and also Rikimaru flashing his genitalia and giggling like a maniac.
Then there was blackness.
TO BE CONTINUED...BUM BUM BUUUUUUUM!