In a galaxy far far away... Oh right.

--

"The Mall!" Brady squealed, (Or maybe it was Collin. Hard to tell.) since he had a habit of doing so.

"Shut up you guys," Jacob Growled, with a capital G. "Or girls. I don't really know what you two are."

"Okay," they chorused in somewhat girrly voices. (With two r's, because I really don't feel like going back and fixing it.)

In the distance, the mall loomed like a dead pit bull, overlooking the seemingly tiny and innocent town below it. (I know, right? I actually got that from a Rick Steves guidebook.)

In the back seat of the car, Brady and Collin quivered with undisguised fear. Leah rolled her eyes, and sighed in a defeated way.

"This is stupid," she announced wearily, even though she wasn't tired.

Quil, in the front seat, had started bouncing up and down in excitement.

"OMC, the mall!" he screeched as soon as it was in view, even though he should have said it about five minutes ago, because that was when the mall was first sighted.

"Stupid," Leah muttered in reply to his late outburst. Quil ignored her derisive comment and started clapping his hands together and barking like an over zealous seal.

Leah had started pulling at her hair and pounding her fists against the window, chanting "No! Please, no!"

"Crazay bee-yatch," Seth intoned.

"True dat," Paul agreed wholeheartedly.

"Bloody hell," Jared said, his eyes getting wide. (His role model, as you can probably tell, is Ron Weasley.)

"The Mall of America," he stated in awe.

"Ooh," the whole car chorused. (You have to imagine this one. Hilarious!)

As soon as Jacob parked the car, they all stampeded towards the entrance.

"OMC!" Embry said dramatically. "They're having a sale at Bath & Body Works!" he cried, pointing towards the garishly pink window display.

"'Ey," Jared said. "How did we get from Washington to Minnesota or Michigan or whatever M state it's in so quickly?"

A few other werewolves nodded in agreement. I would say their names, but I don't really feel like it.

"That's for me to know, and you to never find out," Jacob said grimly.

"Pweeeeeessseee?" they all chorused. Jake sighed in annoyance.

"Okay fine," he said. "Time travel," he announced majestically.

"Ooooohhhh," they all said.

"You built a time machine out of DeLorean?" Embry gasped appreciatively.

"Dumbo," Leah muttered, rolling her eyes. "It's a Suburban."

"Whatev," Embry muttered embarrassedly.

"Wait," Jared said. "You can't get from one place to another using time travel!"

Jacob looked around sheepishly. "Yes you can. Now let's go inside."

As soon as they got inside, Bella jumped out from behind a large potted plant.

"Jacob!" she squealed.

"Aaaahhhhh!!" he exclaimed, and hid behind a rather nice specimen of Hydrangea.

"Jaaacccooobbbb," she whined. She started to walk over to him, but was promptly run over by an old lady in an electric wheelchair.

"Haha," Paul sniggered in the voice of that kid from the Simpsons.

"Ew," Brady and Collin chorused, surveying the Bella pancake which was now occupying a rather large space on the floor.

Meanwhile, Jared, Embry, Seth, Quil, and Paul were doing a rigorous happy dance that involved a lot of jigging.

"Can't touch this," Seth said in his gangster voice.

Bella suddenly unpeeled herself from the floor.

"Aww," they all chorused.

"Yes!" Bella exclaimed. "'Tis I, Bella the Magnificent! With a capital M!"

"Yeah," Jacob snorted. "And I'm Edmund the Just. And she's Susan the Wise. And she's Lucy the whatever that I can't remember at the moment," Jacob said, pointing to random hot chicks.

"But my name is Candy," one of the hot chicks protested.

"Fine," Jacob sighed. "Candy the Retarded."

The pack guffawed in synchronization. The blonde looked confused for a moment, and walked away scratching her head.

"Do you know how to kill a blonde?" Jacob asked the pack.

"No," they replied.

"You...oh darn, I forgot the rest of the joke."

"Anyway," he continued.

"Let's go to..."

But he never got to finish the rest of his sentence.

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To be continued...

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(A/N:) Stay tuned for the next installment! Even more hilarity and stolen movie/music quotes coming right up!

Anyway, thanks for reviewing, you guys are da bestest. No, really.