PREVIOUSLY ON "SOUTH PARK"...
Suddenly, as if it were a sign from God, a silver-white limo drove down the street and stopped in front of the forest. The boys turned around and spotted the limo. Who the hell was it? Was it a celebrity? Not a lot of celebrities come to South Park ever since Cartman started shit with Jennifer Lopez. The boys walked slowly closer to the limo awaiting the passenger to come out. A click was herd and the boys flinched. It was the car handle. It opened. Out he came, wearing black slacks and a slighty open black dress shirt with sunglasses and raven-hair.
"Oh my God!" Stan shouted. "It's Keanu Reeves!"
"Holy fuck, dude," Cartman said in awe with his jaw open.
"Hey kids," Keanu said looking out into the sun, not looking at the boys. He was very monotone and vague. Almost emptyheaded. "I heard that you were in need of a movie star for some guy-on-guy action."
"It's not guy-on-guy action, Mr. Reeves," commented Mr. Marsh. "It's a simple tender kiss."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, you see, my friend, er, professional co-star Kyle Broflovski has to kiss professional fatass..."
"EH!"
"... Eric J. Cartman, and Kyle doesn't want to kiss him. Completely understandable."
"Shut up!" Cartman shouted again. "I am a professional actor, and if Kyle can't handle that I'm gonna kick him square in the nuts!"
"Shut up, Cartman. Kyle doesn't wanna kiss you cause you're a fat asshole."
"That's not true." Eric responded calmly. "My mom says that I have the lips of a delicate angel."
"... with oral herpies?"
They all laughed. Cartman, naturally, was not amused. "Well, screw you guys, I am going..."
"No, Cartman!" Kyle shouted. "You're not going home this time!"
"... Godammit..."
They were back on the set. Stan was in his blue director's chair with a mega phone and a blue barette with a red poof ball on top. He was behind the main camera and Kenny was behind camera two. Stan flexed his legs and arched his back to make himself seem slightly taller to his cast.
"Alright, everyone!" the director announced. "Let's take it back to the beginning of scene 3. We'll start with Derick's line of 'I can't say...' Aaaand..."
"I can't say," Keanu said. "I..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Keanu, what the hell?!" Stan yelled standing up on his chair.
"But, you said to take it back from my line," Keanu responded quite stone faced. Not on purpose, probably, just because it's Keanu Reeves.
"Yes, I did, but we need to wait for the black and white clicky thingy."
"Oh."
"Okay. Kenny, we need you to click the scene open."
Kenny grabbed the white and black clicker from the snow and stepped away from his camera. He stuck it out in front of the camera.
"Totally Awesome Indie film, scene 3, take 3, marker," Kenny said muffled, then clicking the clicker.
"Aaannd..."
"I can't say," Keanu said again. "I..."
"Stop!" Stan yelled. He slumped in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Keanu... buddy... What the hell, man?..."
"But... You clicked the clickity click-click." Keanu protested making a scissor motion with his fingers, looking very confused.
"Yes, I know," Stan replied then opening his eyes. "But you have to wait until I say action. The actor ALWAYS has to WAIT until I say ACTION!!"
"Stan, Stan, Stan," Kyle said rushing to his friend, rubbing his arms so that he would calm down. "You can't get so worked up over stuff like this."
"I know, but Jesus, Kyle!" Stan protested. "He's a Hollywood actor! Doesn't he know what he's doing? He was in the freaking Matrix!!"
"I know he was," Kyle responded after a deep breath. "But... Dude... It's Keanu Reeves."
"I KNOW! He should at least..."
"No, you don't understand," Kyle said with a 'seriously, dude' tone. "It's Keanu Reeves."
Stan looked at his Hollywood actor and noticed he was bent down poking and prodding a newly made cow stool, then sniffing his finger and rubbing them together to examine the texture. Stan looked back at his friend with a 'do you see?' face.
"Yyyyeah, you're right."
And with that, Kyle smiled and went back to his spot. He tossed back his locks, now straightened for his role. Although it was straightened, it was still slightly wavy.
"Okay," Stan began regaining composure. "You ready Keanu?"
"Yes, sir," he answered. "Wait for the clickity-clack, and the action."
"Thank you," Stan said to himself with a sigh of relief and a smile. "Alright, Kenny, let's click."
Kenny steps in front of the camera with the clicker.
"Totally Awesome Indie film, scene 3, take 3, marker," he said, then clicking.
"Annnd... Action!"
The scene began, but this time, they were more passionate then ever. Kyle had always imagined kissing a real movie star, but not this one. At first, he never wanted to kiss this loser, but once he was in front of him all tall and tall-like, he couldn't resist his beautifully sculpted face. It were almost as if his face were carved by-
"Um, excuse me?" Stan said. "Who the hell are you?"
Why, I am the narrator.
"A narrator?"
Indeed.
"Dude, we don't need a narrator for this story."
But, of course you do! Don't be foolish, child.
"Hey, I'm not a child! I'm 9!"
You need me, son, there is no doubt about that.
"Stan?" Kyle said. "Who the hell is this guy?"
"Some narrator," Stan answered.
You must be Kyle. Delighted to meet you. I am the narrator. I have been following your lifes story ever since you-
"JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!"
Oh... Well, then... I can see when I'm not wanted... I will be back...
The boys waited...
"Is he gone?" Cartman asked.
"... I think so," Kyle answered. "Alright, Stan, let's just continue."
Kenny returned to the camera with the clicker.
"Totally Awesome Indie film, scene 3, take 4, marker," he clicked.
"Action!"
"Why can't you just say it, Derick?!" Kyle shouted. "You drag me all the way out here, and for what?! I said WHAT?!"
"I can't say," Keanu said. It didn't seem like he was acting. He just had his regular face. Was he not acting, or was he acting his entire life out? Stan couldn't tell, and he couldn't care any less. "I... need more time."
"Time for what?" Kyle asked, crying again.
"Time for... love."
"Oh, Derick," Kyle said looking straight into Keanu Reeve's eyes. "Don't you go on saying you love me. That door has been closed for years, now, and there's no use unlocking it."
Keanu bent down to Kyle's level. "Then let me be your crowbar."
That was all Kyle needed. Of course, Kyle had never stage kissed, so he didn't know how to go on with this. He simply puckered his lips and leaned forward. Keanu, on the other hand, had kissed for the camera many times. He clenched Kyle by his little arms and brought his head straight for his mouth. Keanu's tounge explored every inch of Kyle's mouth and the little boy couldn't do anything about it. He was shoved into the slush, into a tree, onto a mound of stones, and back onto the snow, every bit of his lips and teeth being caressed by this actor's tounge.
"HOLY SHIT, DUDE!" Stan screamed.
"Jesus Christ!" Cartman shouted. "Kyle's being molested by Keanu FUCKING Reeves!"
Finally, Keanu let go of Kyle's small body and let him fall to the ground.
"Sorry, babe," Keanu said walking away. "I just needed to let that go before I die."
"Cut..." Stan said with his mouth open.
The scene was perfect, Stan didn't lie, but with such passion, he wasn't sure if Kyle actually lived through the entire experience. Slowly, Kyle got up. They all stared and waited for him to say something. Kyle wiped the saliva off his mouth with his arm and swayed back and forth trying to regain mental health.
"I might need to lay down for a moment," Kyle said dizzily with an enormous smile on his little face.