Author's Note: OMG CHAPTER TWO HAS ARRIVED.
Dedication: To Caliko, for tolerating, supporting, and bugging('cause we both know I'd never get it done otherwise) me in all my fanfiction. Thanks, buddy, you're awesome. )
Rock, Paper, and Running with Scissors
Jiraiya's first thought was that it was probably not the best idea to think. Something horrible had happened during the night, his head had gotten smaller or his brain had gotten bigger, something that was definitely going to require help from Tsunade, if he could figure out how to stand up. Standing was hard, his legs no longer seemed to be attached to his body, they had probably abandon him in an effort to escape from his exploding head. He heard a rustle nearby, and decided that calling for help might be the best idea.
"MEDIC!" He screamed, which was probably the worst idea he'd had in a long time. The sound sent a horrific pain all throughout his already aching head, sending him into something just this side of a seizure as he tried to find a position that alleviated the raging headache. The fetal position seemed to help, though it did nothing for his dignity when it was Kakashi that emerged hovering above him with that stupid you-can't-tell-I'm-smiling-but-my-eye-looks-happy expression of his. Stupid one-eyed mask boy, he'd punch him if only he could remember which way was up.
"I need Tsunade." Jiraiya whispered, which still sounded about twice as loud as he had been singing the night before. Kakashi disappeared, which seemed like a good thing, off to fetch the help that the toad sage needed. When an ice cold cascade of water nearly drown him, Jiraiya realized that today was not going to be a good day.
Instead of Kakashi, this time it was that damn kid, Naruto, grinning from ear to ear. He giggled. " Good morning pervy sage!" The kid was screaming loud enough to wake the entire village. Before Jiraiya had the chance to inform the kid just exactly how good of a morning it was, the Hokage arrived, showtime.
"Your opponents have been drawn for you, and are available at the official desk." He motioned to a tree stump nearby. " The rules for rock paper scissors are as follows: you will say: rock paper scissors, shoot. On shoot you must have your choice out, any delay and you will lose. The winner will be based on best two out of three. Maybe the games begin!"
The chunin and below age division was up first. For the most part, the unenthusiastic drone of "rock, paper, scissors, shoot" was all that filled the air. Jiraiya was quietly pleading with everyone within barely audible whisper range to quiet down before his brain starting leaking out his eyes.
"THAT IS TOO A ROCK!" Came a scream from Choji.
"It is too flat to be a rock." Replied Rock Lee, who certainly should know what rocks look like. He was holding his perfect scissors hand in an accusatory fashion at Choji. "You have lost this round, Choji."
"GO LEE!!" Screamed Gai, who was positioned unfortunately close to Jiraiya, who crumbled back to the ground, crying softly to himself.
Choji was sent off to sulk with his food in a corner, glaring angrily at Lee who was patiently awaiting his next opponent. Another fight was breaking out down the way.
"GARRA! LET HINATA GO! THERE IS NO JUTSU ALLOWED IN THE ORDINARY OLYMPICS!" The sand in question slithered away from Hinata's terrified form reluctantly. The rest of the rounds went without incident, except when one of Shino's bugs was squashed by an overly exuberant Sakura as she won her round by smashing his scissors with her rock. In the end it was Shikamaru with the gold, Sakura with silver, and Kiba with the bronze. Naruto was grumbling about how these weren't really tests of any skill at all and how angry he was that Sasuke beat him, and how Sasuke must have cheated. As usual, Sasuke really didn't care.
In the meantime, Jiraiya had decided that the best possible way to relieve his drinking headache was by drinking more. One drink had taken the edge off, but about eight, or was it twelve, drinks later, he was feeling great. He swayed like a coconut in a hurricane as he stared down his opponent with what he hoped was a menacing glare. "Beeee carrreful youngman, " He slurred in the general direction of Kakashi. "I'll haveyouknow that I am one of thelegendary SANIN." He announced, hiccupping at the end for effect. He was, needless to say, a rather poor competitor, since his hands just could not seem to make the appropriate movements. His rock, paper, a scissors were generally a jumbled hybrid resulting from his brain not being entirely certain which one was the best option, and deciding that all of them would probably suffice. He was carted away, merrily singing Village People songs all the way, and since hybrid rock, paper, scissors had worked out so great, he decided that singing several songs at once would be good too. The last heard from Jiraiya for the day was a frightening rendition of Macho Men
Love to Stay In The Navy. The jonin and above rounds progressed rather quickly, with few major incidents, except Gai, who was furious to discover that he had lost and would not be facing his all time rival in mortal combat. Just how exactly he had imagine that rock, paper, scissors could progress to the mortal level, no one was exactly certain. One fight was a forfeit, because Hyate simply couldn't stop coughing long enough to say the words. Orochimaru had been left out of the rounds, not having functioning arms made it pretty difficult to play such a game, so he sulked on the sidelines with Kabuto, who hadn't been allowed to compete because no one was really sure just exactly where he fit anyways. Ibiki was the champion, followed by Kakashi, and Genma took third to round out the first day of the Ordinary Olympics.
Jiraiya was listed as the only casualty of the day, but he didn't really care. He was happily entertaining the nurses in the hospital; singing about lovely bunches of coconuts and the electric slide. Everyone head off to sleep, with the exception of Naruto, who felt the need to eat copious amounts of ramen to take the edge off his misery. Tomorrow was going to be a big day. Tomorrow was thumb wrestling day. The medics were already preparing the thumb splints and wrist supports for the inevitable injuries.