Waiting
"Damn this shit! Crap!" My whole body was full of angst, full of shame that I was trembling, about to burst. I couldn't take it anymore, so I collapsed on the sand, kicking and punching the air wildly—too wildly that I could feel the banana split and bubblegum slurpie that I gulped down in a hurry to escape the damned ice cream parlour swirling around somewhere in my stomach, but that didn't matter now. I knew that Jake was just behind me, maybe holding back a roar of laughter or thinking of running for his life because I was acting like a person with deadly mental problems, but that didn't matter either. All that mattered now was that Sam knew that I just called myself 'Mrs. Sam Uley', and I could never have enough guts to show my face to him ever again. I continued screaming, kicking, punching and swimming on the sand that I could feel the nerves on my neck pop out of my skin. Suddenly, the sand went in my eyes, stopping me from opening either of them. I stopped throwing my pathetic tantrum for a while, and attempted to open them by rubbing furiously. Trying was so painful that my eyes welled up with tears.
"Leah, are you okay?" Although I couldn't see, the sound of Jake's sandals brushing against the sand told me that he rushed to my side.
"Don't rub them."
"It won't effing get out!"
"I said don't." He demanded sagely. Why would I listen to a little boy? I continued, but he got a strong hold of my hands, so strong that it hurt.
"Hey!" I twisted and turned to release my hands, but for a twelve year old, he was damn strong. I gave my act up.
I could feel his thumb press against my left eyelids. He forced them open, and it irritated my eyes more. Before I could even say something, he leaned closer and blew air into my eye. He did the same to the other eye. Much better.
"Gee, thanks." I said as I blinked my them open.
"Just because you're my mom, doesn't mean you know better." He replied and stuck his tongue out at me. He was so cute that I wanted to plant little kisses on his cheek, pinch them with all my might and suffocate him in a very tight hug, but that would creep him out, I'm sure.
I helped myself up, and we continued walking to my house although I wanted to have one more tantrum. I really wanted to, but the sand that blinded me for a while brought me back to my senses and told me that I should be ashamed. I thought of something to ask Jake to preoccupy myself.
"You sure you wanna hang with me in my house?"
"Quil has to go to Forks later and as we all know, Embry has a date. I have nothing else to do."
"Whatever you say."
I wasn't the type of person who liked talking so much, and I was glad Jake was that type too. The sun was setting, painting the whole of La Push wild shades of pink and yellow. The water was sparkling like sapphires, and even if I see such a scene every day, I never get tired of just staying silent and marvelling it. We were both silent, but there wasn't awkwardness at all, just serenity. I felt like he was a long lost friend. Unlike acquaintances, you always had to talk to each other, doing your best to avoid silence; but when you're with a friend, being silent was absolutely normal.
We were so in love with the sight of the setting sun that seeing my house so soon overwhelmed us.
"Wow, we're here." He said with a little laughter in his voice.
"Time flies so fast." I told him breathlessly.
"I know. Maybe three years from now, I'd be looking back at this day, as if it was just yesterday."
"I wonder how we'll be by then." My feet were manually climbing the porch.
"Maybe you and Sam are in the same college, then you're planning on getting married."
"Maybe you're in love with a girl who loves you back."
"Will you still know me by then?"
"Surely. Will you?"
"Hell yeah. What kind of a son am I if I forget my own mother?" I was content with his answer. He raised his pinky and I took it with mine, doing the childish yet somehow solemn pinky swear. We both suddenly burst into laughter. We were so...normal a while ago. How the heck did our conversation turn into something depressing? Maybe it was the drama of the sunset.
I twisted the knob and flung the door open. Seth was lying on his stomach, watching a show that I was sure he'd only watch if it was the last one on earth.
"Why the hell are you watching the home shopping network?"
"The computer doesn't want to start!" He complained in his small voice. Jake stepped in, and Seth's eyes sparkled for some weird reason. Was he gay?
"Your computer won't work?" Seth nodded his head, his face clearly dazed.
"Where is it?" In a snap, Seth was on his feet, running up to his room with Jake following him and me following Jake.
"Here." Seth pointed at his dinosaur sticker-coated computer. Jake booted it on, and it hanged while it was loading. He tried punching some key combinations from the keyboard, but nothing happened
"If your computer gets busted, will I have to pay you?"
"Teach me Poker Mania cheats and you won't have to." So that's why Seth was thrilled to see Jake, because Jake was good at that game, and Seth wasn't. Good thing he wasn't gay.
"Sure." Jake grinned. He stepped back from the computer, and then flung a painful looking kick at the CPU. The computer screen was suddenly Seth's dinosaur themed desktop.
"Thanks!" He nearly screamed, and wrapped his skinny arms around Jake's torso. They looked like brothers.
I glanced at Seth's wall clock. It was twenty minutes past five, meaning I only had less than an hour before it was six. I was skeptical. Will I still go, after all that Sam's heard? A big chunk of myself was scolding me not to, while a teeny-tiny part whispered that I should. As much as I hated to admit it, I was sure that the bigger part was my brain, and the smaller part was my heart. After pacing around Seth's room, with the two boys staring at me as I did, I finally decided not to.
"What's wrong, ma?"
"Why did you call Leah ma?"
"Long story. I'll tell you later."
"I'm not going to the...date." I mouthed the word 'date' so Seth wouldn't hear it.
'What?! Leah, do you remember that crazy girl crying her eyes out because she likes dad? She'd do anything to be you. Don't just throw this away!"
"I know, but...you know. I looked so pathetic a while ago."
"So what? I think it's cute."
"You're not Sam. Besides, I want to not go. I'm not forcing myself not to; I just really don't want to go." I half lied.
"Are you sure?" He raised an eyebrow at me. My eyes suddenly switched to Seth. His head was cocked in confusion. Obviously, he didn't understand a thing we were saying.
"I'm sure." I turned back to Jake.
"Okay, I'm happy if you are, mom."
Out of nowhere, there was a loud slamming sound from downstairs, and it forced a shriek out of my mouth. Then, the sound of shoes furiously clomping up the stairs was heard. Who could it be? Maybe a burglar. I was sure Jake saw our terror-stricken faces. He grabbed one of Seth's metal baseball bats and positioned himself near the door.
"Leah!" My mother burst into the room, making us sigh with relief.
"Jacob, darling!" She ran perkily to Jake, kissing him on both cheeks.
"Auntie Sue!" He returned them. "I was just hanging out with Seth and Leah."
"You're friends now?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Mom, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the office until seven!" I cut their talk short.
"Well, I was too excited for your first date, so I left early. Ohmigosh! I have something for you!" She sang and skipped out of the room. I looked at Jake with apologetic eyes, hoping that he knew I was saying sorry for my mother's weird attitude.
"Can you believe it? This was on sale!" She held a crisp, sleeveless brown dress in front of my face. My eyes widened when I read the tag. Chanel
"Try it on!" She threw the dress for me to catch, and shooed the boys away with her manicured fingers.
"Go on." She urged as she locked the door.
"Ma, I'm not going to the date."
"What?!" She screamed her head off.
"I don't want to anymore."
"What are you? Some goddess to turn down Sam Uley?" She said his name with reverence. What she told me was rubbing itself against my brain. I wasn't some goddess to turn him down. I knew I wasn't dashing, but he was. Why me? Maybe I was just a fling. Maybe he's just bored. All the more reason I had to not go on.
"I know he's all that, mom. I just don't want to anymore. I have reasons."
"Reasons, shmeasons. I don't care! You will go on a date with Sam or I won't give you your allowance for half a month!"
"Sure. Dad will."
"Oh, yeah? Well, then. I'll get that T.V. of yours and lock it in my room!" Oh, no. That was the only thing I wouldn't give up in my whole life because T.V. is my life. I tried to imagine going home, just waiting on the sofa for dinner then killing time until I feel sleepy. No way was I going to live like that. T.V. is my saviour; it's frankly what motivates me to live. I know I'm such a loser.
"Fine!" I grunted and shook my clothes off, thrusting the wretched dress onto my frame. I took a look at Seth's hazy full length mirror. My cleavage was seen.
"Sorry, mom. Maybe another dress. This one reveals too much skin."
"That's the point! He'll never take his eyes off of you!" My eyes became big balls, and my jaw dropped. I suddenly wanted to answer back rudely. What kind of a mother was she? I never knew a mother who would like to sell her child to some man like she's a prostitute, until now.
"What the hell, mom? Do you want me to get pregnant or something?"
"No! I just want you and Sam to be an item. Then he'll ask you to marry him, then I'll have good looking grandchildren!"
"Eww!"
"You borrow these shoes." She handed me her most prized possession—her sleek brown stilettos that costs half of the house. "Don't break it." She said sternly.
"I might trip in those!" I protested as she guided my feet into them.
"So? At least you'll look better and taller! Now go to your room and freshen up." I sighed and tripped my way to my room. Thankfully, it was three little steps away from Seth's room; and thankfully, Jake and Seth were downstairs playing Poker Mania.
I threw myself on the couch, which was in front of the mirror. I dragged the couch closer to it and scrutinized myself. Honestly, there was nothing so special about me. I tried to describe my eyes, but I couldn't. They were just...eyes. My nose was simply just a nose, my lips were simply just lips. Everything was so nondescript, so unexplainably plain and boring. I suddenly closed my eyes and remembered Sam's face. There are so many good words in the dictionary to describe him that you'll never run out of them-- supermodel hair, soul- piercing black eyes, a sharp nose, prominent cheek bones with a hint of pink because of the sun, full lips with perfect teeth beneath them and a tensed jaw to finish it off. He wasn't too white nor too black, his skin was just right. He was muscular, but not scary; tall, but an ideal boyfriend kind of tall, and so much more. And I was...me. Boring old me. Instead of feeling happy that the divine and powerful angel chose the vulnerable, ugly human, I felt unworthy, depressed and down. What a way to start a first date.
"Are you done, Leah? What's taking you so long?" My mother's voice forced me up. I assessed my full body now. No way was I going to wear that cleavage revealing dress. I grabbed one of my plain white shirts and thought of wearing it under the dress when my mom's not looking. My focus was now on the stilettos from hell. No way was I going to wear those too, so I fished through my shoe rack and grabbed my brown Chuck Taylors. I stuffed the shirt and the sneakers in my duffel bag, and then tamed my unruly hair by combing it and tied it to a high pony tail. Although what I would be wearing was something that wasn't my taste, I was sure I'd be fine, but not fine enough to be placed beside a god like Sam Uley.
I clutched my duffel bag and rushed down the stairs. Time flies so fast—the grandfather clock that was set in the living room told me that it was five minutes before six. Jake and Seth took their eyes of the T.V. and took a good look at me. I covered my cleavage with the bag.
"You look great, mom." Jake said with satisfaction.
"Thanks, I guess?" My mom's icy fingers popped out of nowhere and landed on my bare shoulders. "Stay on the porch and wait there. We won't invade your privacy." She whispered huskily from behind. I stood up and sat headed for the porch. The windows behind me were shut, the curtains were untied to obscure the view from the living room and the door was closed.
"Boys!" My mother's demand was faint. They were probably peeking through the curtains.
The time was right. I ran behind our house and took my dress off, placed the shirt and wore it again. With much eagerness, I stripped the stilettos off and threw them like trash in the duffel bag, and wore my sneakers with an agitation of hands. Just in time, I heard the honking of a horn. I felt happy that I was done re-dressing myself, but sad about having to go on the stupid date. I sighed, rolled my eyes and dragged myself to the front of my house. There was a foreign black sports car purring in front of the porch. It was so sleek and glossy, and it looked like it could run damn fast. The driver's door opened, and Sam Uley, with all his godliness stepped out. The longer I took a look at him, the more I felt ugly.
"Hi." He greeted me in his deep, alluring voice. His hair was formally gelled today, although the style wasn't old fashioned at all. He was wearing an expensive-looking, long-sleeved white polo, with the first three buttons above unbuttoned. It emphasized his rich, russet skin, his broad neck and his lumpy Adam's apple. There was a red and yellow necktie hanging loosely beneath his collar, and it looked like it was made of the finest silk. His chest and biceps looked like they were going to burst free any second.
I looked at myself again. Gross. I looked like a blind girl who just came from a mall, letting a mischievous salesperson dress her up randomly to make fun of her blindness. It was either the blind-girl-from-a-mall look or the cleavage emphasizing look. I'd gladly go for the blind girl look any day.
"You look great." He said as his eyes joyously scanned my whole self. Acting again, I see.
"Thanks for making me feel better."
"Seriously, you look great." He said with not a trace of a lie in his voice. Maybe I wasn't blind after all, it was Sam who was.
"Sure, sure. Let's cut the crap out and get this over with." I reached for the backseat door, but his hands led mine to the passenger's seat door that was now open.
"I would look like a cab driver if you stayed at the back." Reluctantly, I slid inside the majestic car, sat on the black seat and braced myself for my greatest fear—sitting beside an ethereally handsome being. Fortunately, the scent of the car distracted me from my insecurity issues. The car smelled nice, like Axe with a hint of lemons. I'm sure many people would get dizzy and find it strong and pungent, but I liked it.
Sam slithered onto his seat, slammed the door and drove away. The car accelerated so fast that my body slammed against the seat, especially my head. Even if I was inside for only a few seconds, I felt so nauseated. I was on the verge of barfing.
"Are you alright?" He took his eyes off the road.
"Are you crazy?! Keep your eyes on the road, man. Your fancy car might hit a tree!"
"You look like you wanna purge."
"Kinda. Slow the car down a bit. You're too fast." I told him with my hands cupping my mouth. The car crept slower now, and I felt better.
I looked at him to say thanks, but the moment my eyes lay on his face, the more I felt unworthy again. I was sceptical. Will I jump off the car or stay? Although the car was slower now, it was still fast. If I jumped off, I'd probably roll around like crazy and die. It was a dead end, so I gazed out of the window and watched whatever there was outside, whether trees, rocks, houses or the beach...whatever, as long as I don't have to watch his face.
From the brown of the murky La Push, the scene suddenly changed into the green of the frigid Forks. Other than the purr of the car, there was silence, but not the kind of silence I shared with Jake. It was awkward. I bet he was starting to notice the fact that I know that I'm just some sort of one-night-stand in a less lusty concept.
He cleared his throat, and I closed my eyes before he could even start talking about what happened in The Ice Cream Shack.
"Why are you so...silent?"
"Because I am."
"Really, why?"
"I'm just freaked out. It's too early."
"Too early?" He asked, and then burst into thunderous laughter that I was scared out of my witts. "Really, now?" He laughed more, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and he stopped laughing after a few seconds. Why the heck was he laughing? Nothing was funny. Was he a psychopath? I shiver ran down my spine.
"I bet you're freaking out. There's a black notebook in that compartment." He pointed at the compartment by my knees. Gosh, does everything he owns have to be black? I opened the compartment and got the black notebook. The first page was probably a poem, but the handwriting was too childish that I couldn't understand it. The succeeding pages were more understandable, longer and had deeper words, but I didn't want to read inside a moving car. The only thing similar about them was that they were all love poems. I ran my fingers through the other pages but it all fell together with the ones I've already seen, and I was left with some page with a rock taped to it.
"What's this?"
"Our rock of forever."
"Rock of forever?" I echoed bewilderedly.
"I was expecting you to forget, anyway." He didn't make any sense at all. "You were alone in First Beach back when you were four. Paul Bigby was hungry, and he saw you with a bag of chips. He asked you for it, but you wouldn't give it because you were hungry, so he threw a sharp rock at your eye." It started to make a little sense already. There was a small scar at the corner of my right eye, and it was because of that little childhood mishap.
"I think I remember."
"You were crying, and I was watching you. I punched Paul back and he promised not to hurt you again. I checked if you were alright, and you thanked me endlessly. You asked me what you could do in return and I asked for a date. You told me that we will have one ten years from now, and you gave me that rock of forever as a promise." At that moment, I was brought back to ten years ago. It was so clear, so lurid that the clarity of it all freaked me out. I looked at Sam and studied him. I couldn't believe that he was that pathetic kid who was so skinny and white that he looked like a walking skeleton, the kid I told to wait for ten more years because I thought of him as a loser. I couldn't believe that Sam Uley, the famous commercial model who makes girls cry is the same kid who saved me, although he wasn't really as dashing as a knight in shining armour back then. He was the antithesis of one.
"It's been exactly ten years, Leah." He told me with eyes still fixed on the road, though it looked like he was looking at the distant past.
"I've been very patient. I spent ten years remembering you and writing poems. I thought I'd never find you again, but thank God I did." I knew that I should be scared, really scared that he was acting like a stalker, but the way he looks now made me happy instead of scared. There was actually somebody out there who waited for me for ten years, and it was Sam.
"You should have forgotten about me too. I mean, it was just one insignificant day in your life." I told him. He sighed, and his eyebrows were pulled together. The concentration in his face was unbearably sexy.
"I can't explain it, but I'll try. You remember those werewolf stories from or folks?"
"Yeah?"
"It was like you're my imprint. The moment I saw you, something just attracted me, and it was hard to repel. After that, my whole world revolved around you. I don't know why, it just did. Weird, huh?"
"I'm sorry...if I told you to wait. I never thought you'd take it seriously."
"It's a long Calvary, but now it washed the wait away. It was worth it." He said blankly, back at concentrating on his driving.
I didn't know what was happening to me. I used to hate love. Whenever my parents watch a corny love movie, I'd scream my head off all night. Now, I understood it all—why they were nervous, why they
wanted to be with each other, why they wanted to touch all the time, because that's how I felt right now. I was nervous, my stomach was whirling around and around...in a good way. The way Sam said everything was like he was just telling a story, but knowing that it came from an angel's mouth, it was the sweetest words I have ever heard. And I wanted to touch him, to say sorry for letting someone so great wait for someone so...normal, and to let him know that I had something for him. Was it love? I wasn't scared anymore. Being in love felt nice, like I was in heaven. Maybe it wasn't nice if the girl made the first move, but it was worth swallowing pride—letting him know that I liked him too.
I took my hands away from my lap, and discreetly laid it on top of his free hand. He sighed a long sigh, and moved his hand so that it could hold mine back, the gaps of my fingers were filled by his. Our hands were warm when they were clasped together. I've touched a lot of hands before, but the sensation of his flesh beneath mine was different. It was sending electrical pulses around my body. The way I was so happy, so happy that I thought holding his hand was my only purpose in life, it made me sure that I was in love. He caressed my hand with his thumb as his mouth was curled into the most blissful smile I have ever seen.
The car slowly crept to a stop, and we were in the middle of a street somewhere in Forks that had nothing but trees. Before I could even ask him why we stopped, he left the car and in an instant, we opened the door for me. He pulled me out with so much force that it felt like my head might be ripped off. I took in a breath of air to give him a good scolding; but in an instant, I was tightly squeezed in his arms. The grip was strong that nothing could break it, and tight that there was not one millimetre in between us.
My stomach was lurching wildly, my heart beat was so fast and my head was reeling. Before I could even faint, I clung myself to him with all my strength and buried my head into his big chest, inhaling his intoxicating smell and feeling the abnormally fast pacing of his heart beat. I could feel his nose furiously smelling the scent of my hair, his head pressed hard against mine. I could feel every single muscle on his body. He was so big that I felt like a little baby being cradled in an adult's arms. I tried holding him closer, and he tried too. We were too close, but too close wasn't close enough.