Author's Note: It's been a while since I last updated. I've been so caught up with school, work, and music that I just let this chapter sit around. I had to rewrite the end of it about a dozen times, but I think this one works. We'll see in the next chapter if I was right! Enjoy!

XV.

What I Live For

Merle was dumbfounded. "She'll... die?"

The girl was met with a heavy silence. Neither Van nor I could say another word. What else needed to be said?

Merle's words weighed down my heart. Was this the feeling of reality setting in? I had had some close calls before. But those close calls only came to me while I was in Zaibach, where Dornkirk deliberately put me in harms way to train me, where there were his people there to take care of it if something went wrong. But out here, I was alone.

Even though Van was determined to save me, what if he couldn't do it? If something were to happen to me, having Van carry the burden of failure was worse than losing my own life. I knew too well how heavy that burden was, and I couldn't thrust this responsibility onto him.

But knowing Van... he wouldn't stop. Not until it was really over. He would never stop.

Van sat next to me on the bed. Taking my hand into his, he finally answered Merle, "No, she won't." Resting his other hand on top of mine, he added, "I won't let her."

Van... I thought with my spirits lifting. Enough criticizing; even the worst pessimist must learn to see the light in an abyss of darkness. I shouldn't be doubting him; I should believe in him. I must.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Merle piped up. "Let's get Dryden and take her to the hospital!"

"No Merle," Van stopped her. "Neither Dryden nor any hospital can help Hitomi."

"What are you talking about?" Merle argued. "Van, that's their job! If she's going to die, they can save her!"

"No, they can't," Van insisted. "Hitomi's case is... unique. Her illness is rare and there isn't a cure in existent yet."

"But those pills..."

"Hitomi made those herself," Van explained. "It's become her mission to find a cure for herself... and for others."

"She's not alone?"

"It's possible," Van answered. "If it's possible for her to have it, then it's possible for anyone."

That was a lie. It wasn't possible for just anyone. It was only possible for us. However... this illness that we were cursed with was different between the children and me. Though the children had similar symptoms, their attacks were mild and temporary. No one was as inflicted as me, and I had no idea why. The only explanation I could deduce was that their illness would progress as they grew older and were more exposed to Dornkirk's treatment. And that was exactly what I needed to prevent. It was still a mystery I had yet to solve...

"Hitomi, I need to know what you put inside those pills," Van asked.

Slowly, I pointed towards my bag. "In... the pocket."

Merle quickly made her way to the bag, being careful not to cut herself with the broken glass shards that surrounded it. Unzipping the pockets, she rummaged through each until she found a small notebook. Flipping through it, she asked, "Is this it?"

"Yes," I answered. "The... last page."

Merle handed the small notebook to Van who quickly opened it up to the last page. Reading through my list of ingredients, his eyebrows furrowed. "Damn."

"What is it?" Merle asked worriedly.

"I know where to find them," Van replied. "But there are too many ingredients. There isn't enough time... I'll need help."

"I'll come with you," Merle volunteered.

It was the first time I ever heard Merle sound honest and sincere. Even though moments ago, she wanted to shut me out of Van's life for good, now she'd agreed to help him save my life. Was this the Merle that Van knew?

"No, you stay here and take care of Hitomi," Van instructed. "I'll go get Allen."

As Van said that, he looked at me apologetically. I could only nod. Bringing Allen into this would mean yet another person would know about my secret, but it was necessary.

"I'll be back soon," Van assured the two of us. "And Merle?"

"Yes?" Merle responded hesitantly.

"This is between us."

Merle simply nodded; confusion still written on her face.

At her compliance, Van walked out the door to save my life. It was ironic. How was I supposed to save another's life when I couldn't even save myself? Hopefully, I wasn't going to die. But whether or not it happened, I'd be ready for it. I'd been ready all my life. And now was not the time to start being afraid.

I shifted my body into a more comfortable position. It seemed the more I moved around, the more it didn't feel right. Though my headache had stabilized, the bleeding wound on my forehead was still throbbing. If I could stay like this for just a little while longer, long enough for Van and Allen to return, I'd be fine. But how long would that 'little while longer' be?

"They're late," Merle complained. She was standing at the front door, leaning on it with her arms crossed over her chest, and waiting for the Schezar brothers to show face. With an exasperated sigh, she paced around a bit before settling onto the stool by my bedside. Since Van left, she hadn't set her eyes on me, nor had she spoken a word, until now. "What's taking so long?"

"It's a long list," I stated. After resting a bit, I felt some of my strength come back, but this was how it usually happened. Things would be bad one moment, then get better the next. Now, all I could do was wait for that bad moment to return with a vengance. "Even with Allen's help, they both have a lot of ground to cover."

"That's not good enough!" Merle exploded, pushing herself up off the stool. "Whatever's happening in your head could get worse at any second, and those two are just taking their damn sweet time to stop it!" The girl took a deep breath before easing it out. "You could die tonight. I don't know how you can be so calm about it. Aren't you scared?"

"What's there to be afraid of?" I asked her. "We'll all die someday."

Merle shook her head and started pacing in front of my bunk. "But..."

"I'm sick," I explained. "I've accepted that. If I die from it, I've accepted that too."

"So that's it?" Merle paused in her tracks. "You're just going to give up?"

"The only thing I can do to change this is to find a cure," I answered. "Not to save myself, but to save others like me."

"That doesn't make any sense!" Merle argued and started pacing again. "You'd go through all this trouble to save some stranger's life, but you won't do this for yourself?"

"There's a difference between someone who has something to lose and someone who has responsibilities, Merle," I firmly explained. I watched as Merle finally stopped pacing, but kept her back facing me. "What would I have to live for? Everything... anything... I ever had in my life was taken from me long ago. So this isn't about me not wanting to die, it's that I have nothing to lose. Do you understand?"

Merle didn't respond, but I noticed how she hung her head down low. I took this moment to shift my body into a sitting position. Clearly, I wasn't going to get any more comfortable.

"The only thing I'd regret by dying now is failure," I added quietly. "Failing to do what I set out to do. This is my life... this is what I live for."

"Hitomi, I..." Merle began. Slowly, she turned towards me, her eyes brimmed with tears. "I'm... I'm so sorry."

The girl stepped towards me until she was close enough to crumble to her knees by my bedside. Her hands, that looked just as rail thin as my own, gently squeezed my forearm.

"This is my fault. I didn't know..." she shook her head with an expression I was all too familiar with, the face of defeat. "I didn't know..."

"No one knows," I assured her. "Other than Van, no one knows. It's not your fault."

"But-

"Ah!" I suddenly cried. Just as I had predicted, my resided pain returned, and it was even more intense than before.

"Hitomi?" Merle began to panic. "It's getting worse, isn't it?"

It was beginning.

"Van and Allen will be back soon, ok!" the sound of Merle's voice was becoming distant. "They'll be here! Just hang on!"

It was happening.

The pain in my head was so unbearable that I couldn't even scream. My eyes were starting to roll back, and all I could see were flashes of a helpless Merle who didn't know what to do. I was losing control of my body. It wasn't numb, but I couldn't move it, it moved on its own.

I had had minor seizures before, but nothing like this. This was different... too different. At this point, I didn't know if medicine could even save me. This feeling, it was beyond what could be saved.

"I-it's... t-too... l-late," a stuttered whisper escaped from my lips.

And soon, the world became a fleeting image, one after another.

The bursting of the front door...

Van had returned...

Merle had left...

And then...

A light.

Author's Note... Again: Strange ending? Perhaps. But you'll get it... grin