Title: Almost Lover
Author: Valentine Nolan
Authors Note: This one I hope to put time and effort into it. I also hope to be patient while writing it and not rush through it to just get to the good parts. I am a college student now with a lot of free time, so I hope I use it to develop my writing abilities. I am experiencing some tough times healing mentally and it will be reflected in certain ways throughout this fic. I hope it will be capturing and keep you reading.

I am trying something new, getting inspiration from several songs for this one. The title is taken from the song 'Almost Lover' by The Fine Frenzy, but you will see other inspirations in here. I will create playlists as I write.
Disclaimer: I do not own SoN characters. All disclaimers go to Tom Lynch and The-N. Though, original characters are mine.
Rating: R for the moment. Most likely there will be some NC17.
Summary: "And when you left, you kissed my lips. You told me you would never forget, never forget these images. No, well, I'd never want to see you unhappy. I thought you'd want the same for me…"
Beta/Cool person: Thank you to my wonderful beta Alexis D! And thanks to Karen for helping me develop my thought!

Almost Lover.

bPart One

Chapter One: Ex Lover is Dead

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose…

She had only been free from the confines of the hospital for exactly fifty three hours to the T. The freedom was scratching at her brain and giving her a massive headache. The dripping rain from the clouds above wasn't helping her at all. She never realized why they let her out of the hospital. Of course, she was probably able to take care of herself, pay her rent, but to be completely honest she took silent comfort in between white, clean walls and rooms with group therapies. Her secrets had been splattered all over the walls and left invisible residue from the intensity of its power. Those bleach clean walls of the hospital displayed many collages of her struggles and defeats.

She doesn't remember the girl who she was before she entered the hospital. She doesn't remember just how bright her forget-me-not blue eyes had been. She doesn't remember the sun kissed hue that had once colored her skin. She doesn't remember the happiness of a childhood or the taste of her father's cooking. She simply doesn't remember what has been buried so deep under many layers of dead skin and cover ups. Instead, Spencer knows just how dark her azure eyes can get. She knows just how pale her complexion is. She knows the exact bitterness of forced penetration and manipulation. She knows the distinct taste of hospital warmed food and lumpy mattress cots that dug into one's back.

The process of being reborn was a gift to Spencer. Her whole life before entering the confines of the hospital was erased, and she was reborn into the new ammonia world. Everything was cleaner and more defined; it was like a brand new present gifted to her scarred fingertips. Some might pity her for not remembering happiness and the ease of the real world. She didn't care if they did because she didn't know exactly what it was she forgot. "I mean, why mourn something you never had?" Spencer told herself only once and then forgot about the whole thing. Instead, she walks through this new life with scars and gashes from what she does know. She knows that she has never experienced the 'happiness' that the real world has to offer her. She knows that being lost in her head was much better than living in the agonizing days of reality.

It was the first week of December and the uncommon Californian heat had become too much. She took a glance at the puffy gray clouds that was dripping water over the whole city. She didn't care that her boxes were getting wet from the rain, or that the clothes her mother had carefully packed would be wrinkled by the time she hung them, by the colors of the rainbow, in her closet. She took her time walking up through the double doors of the impressive apartment. If she were a child, she would have childishly dubbed it 'her castle', but since she obtained an entirely different level of 'make believe' she simply called it 'home'; such a simple, easy word for most, but for her it was hard to say and even harder to find. Yet, when she found the darling Spanish style apartment in West Hollywood she immediately called the place her home and knew in her heart that only good would come from it.

She had parked the bright yellow Jeep Wrangler inside the garage positioned under her apartment. All morning she had grabbed one box at a time, went up the steps, into the complex, and sat the wet boxes on the wooden floors of her apartment. On her eighth time, Spencer made her way up the steps humming along to The Ting Tings and as the song changed, she froze. The carefully blown bubble that she had formed around herself seemed to expand as she noticed the three figures. She stopped in her tracks, her soggy high tops scratching at her feet, and blinked her eyelids.

Were they real?

She tried to analyze her brain, wondering if these three figures that she was currently noticing was just a fragment of her imagination. She tends to have issues with that, distinguishing between reality and make believe. Spencer tried to wrap her mind around the possibility that she was seeing real people on her own. Maybe the doctors, with their white pressed jackets, were right and that when she finally stepped foot out of the hospital she wouldn't have to rely on her make believe tendencies to get through the day.

They looked real enough.

'They' being the three figures.

The mother and her two small children.

They looked as real as the box in the blonde's arms. She wished she had the advantage of having a doctor by her side to tell her if they truly were real or not, but she wasn't that lucky in this moment. Instead, she watched with intense eyes as the mother bent down and pulled up the small boy's red hood. She lovingly caressed his pale cheek and patted his shoulders. The woman grinned at the small boy and tapped his nose which, in return, he playfully took a snap at.

"My frisky little Prince, are you trying to eat Mama?" She asked with a playful voice that Spencer immediately took a liking too. It was welcoming and in some sense, familiar like the woman's beautiful face, or her brunette hair that looked like silk. It was the type of hair that someone could run their fingers through over and over in an affectionate way. Or at least that is what Spencer wanted to do. She grinned as she noticed the red and blond highlights through the woman's hair, giving off the impression that the girl was wild and free. Maybe even like the children she was currently doting on. "She must have brown eyes," Spencer contemplated to herself as she imagined what the woman's eyes looked like. Since they were focused on the child, she didn't have the privilege to see. She felt they were brown though, it just seemed right that the woman would have brown eyes.

Spencer watched, frozen to the ground, as the woman turned to the other child. The child who's eyes had found Spencer. It was the child who had bright green orbs, identical to her brother's. The little head tilted to the side with curiosity as she watched Spencer. Her long blondish brown curls moving as she tilted her head and eyed Spencer quietly. A smile was tugging at the small pouty lips as her button nose crinkled up. Spencer automatically returned the smile to the girl, surprising herself that she was acknowledging anyone else, let alone a child. She couldn't help but be drawn into the green whimsical eyes and nose crinkles.

"Nose crinkles…" Spencer thought to herself as she felt the box slip in her hands. Her cold feet were frozen to the ground and her eyes glued onto the royal intruders. Her mind was telling her to run. It told her that if she stayed any longer then her perfectly constructed world would be ruined. Her mind told her that these three figures fit nowhere into her make believe land of hiding places and safety. Her mind automatically drew caution signs over their faces, trying to block them from Spencer. The three people were forbidden, taboo, couldn't be recognized. Spencer knew she couldn't go against her mind, the main organ that had jurisdiction over her whole body. But it was her brain that willed her to go. It was her brain telling her to run, trying to protect the delicate girl.

Yet she was still in her place.

"Nose crinkles…" Spencer thought to herself again, trying to find the deeper meaning behind the words. It was her heart that signaled it over and over to her mind, trying to get the young woman to reach out and grasp a deeper meaning of the phrase. It was her heart meeting eyes with the little girl and giving her a small smile. It was her heart telling her to stay and giving her hope that it was alright to experience this moment. It was her heart telling her that this was what was supposed to happen and it promised happiness. It was her heart that kept her feet in place. It was her heart, the simple beating organ, which had suddenly become the hierarchy over Spencer's body.

The rain was settling down and becoming a light mist that slowly dropped onto the ground. The older brunette placed a soft kiss on the young girl's cheek and smiled softly at her. "And you, my darling Princess, what has caught those pretty little eyes?" She said in a soft and delicate voice that brought soothing tremors down Spencer's spine. They were soothing tremors that her mind told her not to feel. Her mind told her that they weren't safe and gave huge caution signals to her body. But, once again, her heart fought against those signs and overruled them. Instead, she watched with intense eyes and heightened ears to hear what the young mother was saying.

The women kissed the girl's forehead once again and reached out for both children's small hands. She grinned down at the little girl and her wild hair, teasing her, "Well, Princess, I guess we'll just see who has caught you…"

The moment that Spencer's fantasy world fell apart was when brown hued eyes made contact with her blue ones. Of course, at that time Spencer couldn't tell that her world had started to fall apart and she couldn't even feel that gigantic shift that resulted because of it. Instead, Spencer felt the overwhelming need to flee. Her brain had gone into severe high alert causing her heart to beat at a rapid rate. The real world was not supposed to be crossed with her fantasy world, it was the rule. She lived so deeply in her pretend world that it was chaos for her to realize the real one. She cursed her mind for not being stronger when the brunette froze and looked over her with deep eyes.

"…and all the time you thought I was sad. I was trying to remember your name…"

"Curious," Spencer whispered to herself as she recognized the same emotion showing in the brown eyes as it had not so long ago in the green ones. She felt like she should know this girl. She felt as if the girl was a part of her and that a name should have already been spoken through her somber lips. Instead of a place in Spencer's mind for the memory of the girl, there was a pristine white spot distant in the blonde's mind. It was buried so far deep under her subconscious that Spencer didn't even care to look. She told her self that maybe they weren't real at all. She tried hard to decipher her muddled mind. She wanted to know, if they were not real, then where they fit into her structured 'pretend' world.

The little girl, with her wild unruly blondish brown hair, tugged at her mother's hand. The older woman shook her head as if to clear it of all mystified thoughts and smiled down at the small girl. Her small lips curled up into a delightful smile as she playfully swung her mother's hand as if she was going to ask her something important and needed an even more important answer. Spencer smiled at this interaction, finding the small child heart warming even though she knew that she could possibly be going against one of her own rules. She pulled her eyes away from the mother and daughter, knowing that if she watched even more then her world would just continue to fall apart. Instead, her blue eyes flickered to the small boy at the woman's other side. He had her hand clutched with his small one, and his other arm wrapped tightly around her leg. He had his face pressed against her leg with his bright green eyes peeking questionably at Spencer.

The small child pointed at Spencer with her small hand. She grinned at her mother, "Mama! Mama! Can she come wit us to duh 'ark beach?" Spencer let a smile grow on her lips, witnessing the child's broken speech. She couldn't remember any time she was a child and frankly she didn't really have any want to remember. Though, watching the mother and daughter interact she hoped that she had been lucky enough to have such innocent moments with her own mother.

The brunette's eyes widen for a moment before smiling at her daughter. The mother wasn't used to her children, let alone her young daughter, taking to strangers well. It had always been the three of them; the queen, prince, and princess. There was no one added to the mix unless it was their aunt or uncle. So, when she heard the whimsical voice ask for the gloomy looking blonde to tag along with the three she felt shocked. The brown eyed woman lifted her head up at the blonde to see the lethargic look in her eyes. She gave Spencer a light smile, hoping to fight off the look of apathy on her face. Instead, the girl only turned her eyes away to glance at the little girl.

"I don't know Ofelia," the woman answered unsure staring at the girl. Ofelia pouted her lips, giving her sad green eyes. The tanned brunette sighed and looked back at Spencer. "Would you care to join us?" The older woman asked Spencer, her voice soft and raspy. It was almost hard for Spencer to hear it. The light misty rain and wind from the nearby ocean almost drowned it out. Or was it her brain just trying to protect her from the hypnotic ways laced into the voice?

Spencer looked at her for a second, as if she were rereading pages in a book and trying to understand their meaning. "No, I…uh…I have to go." And then Spencer was gone. She ignored the disappointed pout of the Ofelia's face. She ignored the indescribable look upon the brunette's face. She ignored the feelings in her heart and regained all her capability to breathe. She simply let her brain take over, moved her feet, and went into her home. Her heart had given up the battle. Once again, Spencer was back into the safety of her 'make believe' world and the woman watched her silently.

"I'm sorry there's nothing to save…"