Props to my beta, Alexis, for being fucking amazing! Just saying. Props to all you guys reading and to all of you who take time and leave me some feedback! Thank you so fucking much! This chapter is sorta a filler, but just as much important. You will understand.

Chapter Four: Be Brave / We Were Lovers.

"What was once golden has now turned a shade of grey…"

The wind blew wildly at her hair, making it wisp around and hit her in the face. She raised her free hand to tuck it behind her ear and continued walking through the warm sand. She unconsciously wiggled her toes in the warm grains as if she had always done it. Spencer smiled down at the small child who was grasping her hand and pulling her toward the bench at the top of the hill overlooking the beach. The green eyed princess looked up at Spencer, "Common! Common, 'Pence!"

She smiled at the little girl before picking her up in her arms and running toward the bench. She had become attached to the small child, opening the door to her world and carefully letting the child in. The blonde had spent the whole day with the small little girl, her mother, and her shy older brother. Spencer had been afraid to interact with anyone but the little girl. When she was around the brunette, she felt a sense of déjà vu. She felt the itching in the back of her head that she had already lived this moment, many moments like this moment, but couldn't pinpoint it in her head. It was getting to the point of frustration.

So, Spencer played with the little girl. She played hide and seek and tag; she played make believe and airplane. She let herself get attached to the child and the child was easily getting attached to her. She felt the eyes of Ashley constantly on her, trying to decipher her every move. She understood the brunette's need to keep an eye on her daughter, but it felt like she was watching Spencer more than the little girl. Spencer didn't like facing her, didn't like talking to her, because she could see the edge of hurt outlining the older woman's eyes. She saw millions of stories in the girl's eyes and was too afraid to learn them. So, while the blonde kept the little girl company, Ashley and Pan walked along the beach or Ashley told him stories while lounging in the sand.

Spencer put the giggling child down onto the sand in front of her mother. She watched while the little girl ran barefoot to her mother speaking in a gibberish language. Ashley laughed and took Ofelia's hand in her's. Pan watched quietly from her lap as he laid his head against her chest with his thumb resting between his lips. "Having fun, Princess?"

Ofelia nodded her head eagerly before turning her head and smiling at Spencer. "Yessss!"

Spencer smiled at the little girl, wrapping her arms around herself. When her eyes met the brown orbs of Ashley's she felt stuck, like she was frozen or paralyzed. She felt the overwhelming pull of déjà vu against her head. She turned her head away from the girl, turning her eyes from the potential danger the girl could cause. Ashley made her feel like she was being pulled away from her world.

Spencer felt like she was still learning how to relive her life. She was thrown into the real world with nothing but what they taught her. They say, "Be brave, there's a right way and a wrong way." It was as if they put her into the class, 'how to live you life 101' but she had forgotten all that she had learned. She was pretty sure that there were rules about meeting mysterious goddesses who would make her feel uncomfortable. She just couldn't remember which rule it was. She should have stayed in the safety of her apartment, her studio, her mind. Her mind had been safe; it had been the safest thing she had known, but lately it has been infected by the brunette.

When she left the hospital, her therapist, Luciana, drove her to her new home. She thought it would be too overwhelming for the blonde if her family greeted her there. Luciana knew that the blonde felt uncomfortable around them. She felt as if they wanted, needed, her to remember them. She felt weighed down by their constant stares and hopes of something that probably will never happen. She felt almost bad for not caring if she ever remembered. It could be her constant apathy toward things. Luciana told her that she needed to be brave during this whole thing. "Brave," Spencer thought sarcastically. "Pfft, what is brave?"

Ashley watched Spencer's mental battle, the one of many throughout the day. She felt her heart hit the floor each and every time. All she wanted was her old Spencer back, the girl whose smile brightened her day and voice calmed her heart. Instead, there was someone else in the blonde's body. The girl was hollow and a shell. She seemed like the princess in all the blonde's stories. She seemed lost and out of touch, trying to find her way out of the tangled labyrinth. All Ashley wanted to do was bring that life back to the young girl's eyes. She needed to show the girl the undying love she still had for her in her heart. Ashley looked over the blonde's body when she wasn't looking. She looked from her feet, up her torso, to her arms where she saw random scars and cuts which made her stomach churn. She ran her eyes back up to the young girl's face. When Spencer looked back at Ashley, the brunette quickly turned her head and smiled down at her little girl. She didn't want to make Spencer feel awkward. Ashley only wanted for her to be alright. She looked down at Ofelia and gave her a light kiss on her forehead and pulled her up onto the bench with her.

"Are you guys hungry?" Ashley asked the children in her arms. They nodded against her and she looked up at Spencer with a soft smile, "I know this sweet diner down by the pier."

Spencer looked down at her toes as they wiggled in the sand. She took comfort in the simpleness of the sand. She took even more comfort in the simpleness of the beach. There was no need to remember anything because everything she needed was freely flowing into her mind. The sound of the ocean, the sight of the waves, it was so easy to take in. People were different. There was always this need to remember. There was the need to rake one's memory to see if you knew the person and if you met their expectations.

Spencer had begun to hate expectations.

She found that she liked the small little girl so much was because she had no expectations of Spencer. She felt that all she had to do was stay in the safety of her own make believe world and the little girl didn't try to pull her into the real one. Instead, she stepped into Spencer's world with a graceful smile. Her bluish grey eyes met with Ashley's warm ones. She felt the warmth of the older girl wash over her as a small smile played on Ashley's lips.

She could go. She could go and eat with the small family. She could let herself go and be content in the fact that she felt connected to people. Spencer could sit in the booth of the diner, the brunette across from her, and just let herself go into simple conversation. She could let herself be free and words flow like molasses from her lips. She could simply go.

Yet her mind had warning signs. Her mind had restrictions. She couldn't simply 'let herself go', because she had tired once. She had tried to be free about her words and her expressions, but her mind held her tightly. She couldn't just easily go with the brunette and be herself. For one, she didn't know who 'herself' was. She didn't know what she liked or how she acted or what to say. For another thing, her mind told her it wasn't the right time. It was holding her back because it was trying to protect herself from something deeper than what she could understand. For a second, she felt a sense of sadness for herself.

Ashley felt her daughter move closer to her and climb up onto her knees. The little girl cupped a small hand over her ear and whispered to Ashley, "Mama, 'Pence cryin'."

Ashley looked over at the blonde and saw the tiny glint on her cheek as a single tear slide down her pale skin. Her beating heart sunk for blonde. She saw the blank look in her eyes as she realized the blonde had zoned out. She smiled down at her daughter and whispered back into her ear, "Tears of joy, baby girl." She kissed her forehead and stood up to walk toward the blonde. She knew that it was probably a lie, but a white lie for the small princess was only to prevent the tears from falling down her cheeks.

"You've cried enough this lifetime, my beloved polar bear
Tears to fill a sea to drown a beacon
To start anew all over, remove those scars from your arms..."

Spencer snapped back and saw Ashley moving closer to her. The children were watching with intent eyes as their mother walked slowly toward the blonde. Spencer brought up a hand to quickly wipe away at the stray tear and cursed herself for letting emotion strike her body while she was out of her world. She took a step back as the older woman stepped forward. Ashley stood still and whispered to the blonde, "You don't have to come with us. It is alright."

"But mama…" Ofelia objected from her place on the bench.

Ashley turned and looked sternly at the little girl. "Ofy," she warned before turning back to the blonde. "Really, if you don't wanna join us it is alright. I mean, we can walk back to the apartment complex."

Spencer shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, that sounds good. I need to…to…to umm…I need to write."

"I know, my love, this is not the only story you can tell
This pain won't last for ever, this pain won't last for ever..."

Spencer looked down shyly at her hands, too afraid to meet the girl's eyes. She remembers the look her family got when she denied them of something simple like having dinner with them. She didn't want to see that look in the brunette's eyes. For a second, she felt she couldn't ever disappoint the girl like that. She shook her head, her blonde hair flying into her face again. She reached up to push it back when her hand collided with the brunettes. She looked up surprised at the girl and caught the same surprise look in the brunette's eyes. Ashley quickly withdrew her hand and looked down shyly.

Ashley nodded her head and turned to the two children, "Common, darlings, let's go home and I will make you dinner."

Spencer watched the brunette get the two children from the bench, amazed at her strength as she held each child on her hip. She saw Ofelia look at her with sad eyes and reach for her. She watched Ashley shake her head and whisper something in her ear that made the little girl's face fall. She didn't realize what she was doing until she had the little girl in her arms and her head resting on her shoulder. Ashley met the blonde's eyes and gave her a small smile before holding Pan closer to her chest and leading her way home. Spencer held the little girl closer, a smile spreading on her lips. She noticed that Ashley didn't hold the look in her eyes, the questioning and expectant look that everyone else had. Instead, she only saw light.

"You don't need to find answers never asked of you..."

She looked out onto the raging waves across from her apartment building. She sat silently on the iron fire escape outside her window with the warm cup of coffee in her hands. She felt like she was backwards about the whole thing. If someone couldn't sleep they usually didn't drink coffee. She chuckled at herself at the memory of having it pointed out to her once that it didn't make sense that she drank coffee to help her get to sleep. She found herself fond of that memory, loving the soothing familiarly of it.

Ashley had been finding herself getting more and more lost in her memories. She had found comfort in sitting outside her bedroom, looking in every now and then at her two children curled up safely on her bed. She would look out at the ocean and remember every single time that she had been there with the blonde. She would remember every single time she would think of the blonde. She remembered when the girl made fun of her for not being able to sleep and drinking coffee.

She had been only seventeen.

She had been only seventeen when she felt the love of her life sleeping right next to her. She had been sleeping safe and sound in the brunette's bed, her body cuddled up into Ashley's. Ashley sat up against the headboard sipping on her coffee and listening to Bloc Party. The lights had been turned off and it was one of those rare nights that Spencer's parents had let her stay the night at Ashley's. Ashley was unconsciously rubbing the blonde's bare shoulder, relaxing next to her. She remembers how the young girl had woken up and smiled tiredly at her. She had asked her why she was still awake and the brunette told her that she couldn't sleep.

Then there was a head tilt.

She missed the head tilt.

Spencer had tilted her head and asked her why in the hell was she drinking coffee then if she couldn't sleep. This caused the brunette to break out into a smile and ended with her coffee being sat on her night table and giving her attention back to the blonde. It was one of her most fond memories, of how free the blonde's love used to be. Hell, of how free the blonde once was.

"And now our love has been forgotten
Like it was never there
We're just sitting here like strangers..."

"I might be wrong, but it's generally not common to sit outside by yourself in the middle of the night."

Ashley jumped and looked around where the voice was coming from. She knew the voice by heart and for a second she believed that she might have been going crazy. Her heart began to thump hard against her chest.

"Up here," the blonde says from her spot on the fire escape above the brunette.

Ashley looked at her for a second in complete awe. Then she looked at her confused, "Spence…er, Spencer, I thought you lived across from me."

Spencer shrugged her shoulders and took a seat on the iron steps leading down to Ashley's fire escape. "I have a studio space above."

"You paint?" Ashley asked, trying to sound laid back and hiding her surprise. She felt almost shy, high school shy, around the blonde. Her palms began to sweat and her heart began to thump violently against her chest.

Spencer didn't know where her fears went but she really didn't care. She felt that it was late and that there was nothing to hide. If there was anything that needed to be hidden, then the starry night would do it for her. She leaned her elbows onto her knees and smiled softly at the girl in front of her. She watched her get more comfortable, her hands clutching the coffee mug. The blond nodded her head, "Yeah, I do. I just got done with a painting." She spoke so clear and unguarded. She didn't care about her make believe world. Sitting right here, under the stars, with the whimsical sounds of Bloc Party coming out of her window was very soothing to the blonde.

Ashley nodded her head, "Oh. Cool." She mentally kicked herself at how stupid she sounded. She had every right to, lacking her intelligence. She looked down at the brown liquid of her coffee, too afraid to look up and meet the eyes of the blonde. She seemed so much like 'her' Spencer and it scared her even more in her sleepy state. She was tired; it was three in the morning and she had spent forever reading stories to her two darlings to get them to sleep. Even though Pan didn't show it, he was just as excited as Ofelia to have Spencer with them today. Her love for the blonde was even engrained in her children's genes.

"Staring into my coffee
It is not black just a shade of brown
Too scared to let our eyes meet
What will we see?..."

"So, can't sleep?" Spencer asked the girl, watching her very intently with her grayish blue eyes. She had spent the past hours writing about the girl, drawing the girl, painting the girl. She had so many ideas, so many things in her head about the older woman. She felt the need to write them down as if they were her own memories.

She wished they were her memories.

She shook her head at the sudden thoughts overpowering her mind. It wasn't this bad before she met Ashley. In fact, she didn't know if it was really 'that bad'. She was confusing herself, going back and forth if the thought of Ashley was even real. She could easily be in another one of her psychotic imaginings. Luciana said there was a possibility of being too overwhelmed and resorting back into herself.

"I couldn't sleep," Ashley's musical voice brought her out of her tangled mind. Her eyes fell onto the brown orbs that had looked up to meet hers.

Spencer suddenly felt a moment of sanity.

Just a moment.

But a long, single, moment.

Spencer sniffed the air, smelling vanilla coffee, "And you're drinking coffee?" She asked as if she was questioning the brunette's sanity.

Ashley laughed and nodded her head. She felt as if she was back in her memory right now. She felt as if she had her Spencer with her. "Yeah, it sorta helps."

Spencer shook her head, "Oh really?"

Ashley nodded, "Yep, its one of my weird quirks."

Spencer laughed at her and nodded her head in understanding, her eyes never leaving the brown eyes in front of her. She felt relaxed for the first time since she could remember. She felt her body sigh with a sense of contentment. She didn't realize that the stories that she wrote were really just her mind letting things slip. She didn't realize that the drawings she had drawn were pictures her brain had previously taken. She didn't realize that the paintings she painted were really memories flowing onto canvas. It didn't matter to Spencer then, at three o'clock in the morning, tired and exhausted, that pieces of her past were coming back to her at break neck speeds. She didn't realize, as she looked into the woman's eyes, that she was falling in love again.

"We were lovers…

"We all have…" The blonde's whispered voice carried through the wind; the wind that began to pick up and kiss at her skin wildly; the wind that began to cause the waves to crash against the sand. She felt herself shiver and then freeze. Her body stopping completely as her eyes got wide and frightened. Ashley looked at her for a moment, not understanding why the young girl had frozen. When Ashley noticed Spencer's chest stop moving she automatically got up and ran to the girl. She held her face between her hands as she stared into the panic filled eyes.

"Spencer!" Ashley said trying to shake the girl out of whatever she was in. "Spencer, breathe!" Instead of hearing Ashley's voice, all Spencer could hear were the violent waves crashing against the pier in the distance.

Spencer didn't realize that her past was coming back to her.

"The space between us
Will not be beat
Oceans and past lives…

Playlist:
Two More Years by Bloc Party
We Were Lovers by Bloc Party