第１３話
"Speechless"
Mello sighed to himself as he sat in the shower, the hot water beating against his back. He'd lost track of how long he'd been in there, all he knew was that he didn't feel like getting out. If he did, he might actually have to face what had happened between him and Matt.
He slowly brought a finger to his lips and touched them softly, remembering how it had felt to have Matt's own lips pressed against his. Why the hell did Matt do something like that...? And, the scariest part isn't that he kissed me...it's that...I kissed him back...
But, he hadn't really known what he was doing. He had been shocked, hadn't he? Wasn't his reaction perfectly natural?
Mello gave another sigh. Matt hadn't been over all weekend, and hadn't called – though Mello had a feeling that it was his own choice, this time, and not his parents'. It slightly irritated him; after what Matt had done, he could at least have the nerve to call and explain. But instead, he had run away without so much as two words!
Mello was afraid to think about what he'd felt when Matt had kissed him; what he shouldn't have felt. Why hadn't he pulled away as soon as it happened? Isn't that what any normal guy would have done? But he had kissed Matt too, without even thinking about it – as though it was the most natural thing in the world. And...it had felt like that most natural thing, too – and Mello knew that it shouldn't be that way. Why had it felt so natural? Because Matt was his best friend? Because they'd always been close? Or because...?
He refused to acknowledge this possible fact. There was no way he could...no way...He put a hand to his head and bowed his head in the water. It would do good to just forget.
The kiss, he was sure he could forget if he wanted to.
But Matt...Matt was another matter.
On Monday morning, Mello could feel his heart racing as he approached the school. What would he say to Matt if he saw him? How would he act? How should he act? Would Matt even want to talk to him now? So many questions arose in his head, almost causing dizziness.
When he got inside the main lobby, he looked around, but Matt was nowhere in sight. Then again, he was usually late. Mello figured he'd see him in first period anyway.
But Matt didn't show up for first period. He didn't show up all day. Even for a slacker like Matt, it wasn't like him to skip school.
He thought about asking some of the other boys if they knew where he might be, but he knew full well that he was the only one who should have any idea of where Matt was; and since he didn't, Mello knew the other boys wouldn't either. So he gave up, and drifted through the day, not really concentrating on his classes. Concentration had become near impossible for him now, especially with the events of the other night replaying in his head like a movie reel. From start to finish, and every time...every time, he didn't mind the image. The question now was why he wanted to see Matt so badly in the first place. Shouldn't Matt be the last person he wanted to see after what happened? Then again, they were friends...he figured it was natural to want to talk to him about this, especially since it would probably affect their friendship in some sort of way.
When Mello got home, he slung his bag down in the front hallway, and prepared to go up the stairs – and call the other boy to confront him. But just as soon as he had one foot on the bottom of the stairs, he heard his father call him from in the hallway.
"Mihael, get in here!"
Startled slightly, Mello jumped up and went to the kitchen, where his mother and father were sitting down at the table, their faces serious. The phone was resting in his mother's hands, as though she had just gotten off of the line with someone.
"Wh-what is it?" Mello said.
"Sit down," his mother instructed gently, gesturing to a chair beside her.
Obeying, Mello took a seat and then looked from one parent to the other. "What is it? Did something happen?"
"Mihael, there's something you should know..." his mother began, her face troubled as it always was when she didn't know how to explain something, or tell him something. She'd had the same look on her face when he'd asked her what the word 'sex' meant.
"What?" Mello pressed.
His mother sighed and took a deep breath. "It's about Mail's parents."
"Wha..?" Mello could feel his heart skip slightly. "What about them?"
His parents exchanged a glance, and then his mother looked back at him, apparently trying to bring up the subject as gently as possible. "They're in jail."
"Jail!?" Mello repeated. "But..why?!"
"Drug possession. Apparently they've been selling to make money and pay off their debts," his mother replied.
"But...what about...?" He couldn't force out the other boy's name for some reason.
"I don't know," his mother said, knowing what he was trying to ask. "But...it isn't your concern anymore."
"Wha..? What do you mean it isn't...?" Mello could feel his face pale.
His mother opened her mouth, and then closed it, looking at her husband for explanation.
Mello followed her gaze, staring at his father, who he knew wouldn't be hesitant to tell him the answer.
"We don't want you around him anymore," his father said bluntly. "Children always are influenced by the parents, and if his parents threw some stupid stunt like this one, there's no telling what he'll do in a few years. You are forbidden to see him anymore."
Mello could feel his heart sink, his whole body growing numb as his father's words sank in like a poison. "Wh-what?"
"He's not the type of boy that we want you hanging around with. You should make new friends anyway, he's hardly a good influence."
"B-but...You can't do that!" Mello cried, looking to his mother for help.
"I'm sorry, Mihael. But I agree with your father." She gave him an apologetic smile.
Mello looked from his father to his mother again in disbelief. Then his expression turned angry. "You...I...I HATE YOU!" he screamed, turning and disappearing upstairs, slamming his door as hard as he could when he reached his room and went inside.
He threw himself down on the bed and breathed deeply in the sheets. How could this be happening? And at a time like this! Just when he needed to see Matt the most, he was forbidden to! It figured.
That night, whenever his parents knocked on his door, Mello yelled at them to go away. For some reason, he felt so dreadfully alone. Without Matt, he didn't really have anyone. He'd never been interested in making friends with the other boys. His parents were crazy to think he could just stop being Matt's friend!
Mello could feel tears spring into his eyes at the thought of never seeing the other boy again. Matt was all he had, all he'd ever had – all he wanted to have...
If it wasn't clear before, Mello couldn't deny it any longer. He was just as in love with the other boy as Matt obviously was with him.
When Mello opened his eyes again, it was dark out.
Giving a yawn, he wiped the tearstains from his face and sat up in bed. He must have fallen asleep.
"Shit." He ran a hand through his hair, giving a sigh.
He went into the bathroom and filled the tub with lukewarm water, slipping inside as soon as it filled high enough, sinking down in the water and closing his eyes.
Knock, knock.
"The hell...?" Mello opened his eyes. "Don't tell me...?" he stood up and wrapped a towel around his waist, walking back in his room to see what was making the noise.
Pulling back the curtains on the window as the knocking persisted, Mello's eyes widened as he saw Matt standing on the other side of the glass. Was this a dream? He pulled open the window and Matt climbed inside, promptly falling flat on the floor as he did so. When he stood up, Mello stared, in a complete daze. He couldn't even distinguish the feeling of relief flooding his body at the sight of the other boy. Before Matt could even say anything as to explain his sudden appearance, Mello promptly threw his arms around the other boy's neck, burying his face in Matt's shoulder.
"M-Mello...?"
"I'm sorry, Matt! My parents heard about yours, and they said that I can't see you anymore!" Mello threatened to collapse in a fit of sobs.
Matt gently returned the embrace, pulling Mello close against him. "I know. I'm sorry...it'll be okay."
Mello pulled away from Matt and wiped his eyes, the both of them blushing as they realized that Mello was in nothing but a towel. Matt quickly averted his gaze elsewhere.
"Listen, Matt..." Mello began. "The other night, when you...kissed me...?"
Matt's face turned a deep shade of pink. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to!"
Mello laughed slightly. "You didn't mean to kiss me?"
"No, I – I didn't."
"Then why did you?"
"B-because, I..." Matt stared down at the floor, his voice caught in the back of his throat.
"Matt, what is it? Why, just tell me." Mello put a hand on his shoulder, and Matt immediately jumped back, startled by the unexpected physical contact.
"Because I...I can't control myself when I'm that close to you!" Matt cried.
"Huh? When you're that...?" Mello let his hand drop to his side.
"Yes! I...I keep wanting to do things like that when I'm around you. And..e-every time you touch me, I think about it and I..." he shook his head. "None of it is casual anymore! I have to watch myself all the time!" tears began to fill his eyes, and his voice shook. "I...I...I l-love you, Mello!" he sobbed. "I love you in the way that I really shouldn't!"
As he began to sob harder, Mello's shocked expression vanished, and he took the other boy in his arms, feeling Matt tense as soon as he did so. "It's alright, Matt." he stroked the other boy's hair. "I...I actually kind of guessed that you might like me that way. I just didn't say anything about it, because I didn't want you to be embarrassed..."
"Y-you knew?" Matt said, looking into Mello's eyes, his own filled with horror.
Mello smiled, and gently touched his fingertips to Matt's face. "Don't worry – I...think it's sweet," he admitted.
"But...I suppose you like girls anyway, right?" Matt said. "So it doesn't matter, really..."
"Well...I actually don't know about that..." Mello said, giving a small laugh. "No girl has ever really... turned me on, so to speak. So I really don't know about that..."
Matt was silent, unable to form any words that would express his surprise. It was so painful, having the prospect of Mello right in front of him, and too afraid -too unsure- to act upon his own feelings. His heart seemed to ache with the desire to wrap his arms around Mello and press their lips together once more. Tears slipped out of his eyes and he hastily wiped them away. Never in a million years had he expected Mello's casual response to the whole thing. All this time, Matt had thought -been terrified- that Mello would freak; not about him liking boys in general (which in truth, Mello was the only boy he had ever liked), but about the fact that the boy Matt liked was him. Yet, here he was, standing in front of Mello after having admitted everything, and the other boy was still holding him lovingly in his arms the same way he'd always done. There was no trace of repulsion or shock on his friend's face. Only sympathy, and concern.
"So how long have you wanted to kiss me?" Mello asked.
"Um...how long? Uh...about three years..." Matt blushed a deep red.
A small smile tugged at the corners of Mello's mouth. "I guess I should've realized it sooner, huh?"
"No, I...it's not like I was aiming for you to realize it..."
"Then why did you kiss me, if you didn't want me to know?" Mello asked.
"Because, I..." Matt took a deep breath. "When I'm that close to you, I can't help myself! That's why I wanted to stay away, because I knew if I didn't, then I would end up...doing that. And I knew you'd freak, so I..." he trailed off.
"Well I haven't freaked yet, have I?"
"So it...doesn't bother you? You aren't creeped out? Because, if it creeps you out – and you don't want to hang around me anymore, I really will understand..." he looked towards the floor.
"No, it doesn't creep me out... And of course I still want to hang around you! You're a wonderful person to be around."
"I...really?" Matt said, looking back up at Mello with surprise lighting his face.
"Of course." Mello wiped the tear stains from the other boy's face. "And besides, I..." A small blush found its way to his face. "I have something to tell you."
"Wh-what?" Matt said, hardly daring to hope.
Mello leaned forward, his lips brushing against Matt's ear as he whispered, "I...want to kiss you, too."
Immediately, Matt could practically feel his heart stop. Those were the last words Matt had ever expected to come out out of Mello's mouth. He could never have imagined it...
He stayed rooted to the spot, almost in shock, staring up at the other boy. There were no words to express what he was feeling; a mixture of every emotion possible.
For a few minutes, he didn't know what to say.
"Are you... are you serious?" he managed to stammer at last.
Mello took a moment, but he looked sure of himself when he nodded.
"But you... I mean, you never really..." Matt was at a loss for words. "I just...I never thought that you..." He finally gave up trying to speak, and simply closed his mouth.
"If you want, I could prove it to you," Mello suggested.
"Proove...? Proove?! Do you...mean...?"
"Well, yeah..."
"But you..." Matt began. "I mean, are you sure about it? Because, if you think you're obligated to, then really you know...you don't have to. I-I'll understand. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to j-just because..." His sentence was cut short as Mello gently put a finger to his lips.
"I'm sure, Matt. Don't doubt me, I'm okay with this," Mello assured him, slowly guiding him to sit on the bed.
Matt had never felt so nervous in his life. Even though they'd technically already kissed -twice, if Matt counted the one time Mello didn't know about- he was still shaking uncontrollably. He'd dreamed about this moment for years, and it was finally happening... It was almost too good to believe.
It took Matt a moment to realize that Mello hadn't moved. "Wha..? Oh!! You expect me too...?!"
"You seemed to have no trouble the other night," Mello informed him.
"Well that was...different!" Matt said. "I..." How was he supposed to do this?
"Just relax," Mello instructed. "Besides, it's not like I'll scream or anything." He gave an amused roll of the eyes.
Taking a deep breath, Matt started to mentally prepare himself. Slowly, he leaned forward, his heart thudding harder with every inch closer he came to Mello's lips.
As their lips finally touched, Matt closed his eyes and resisted the impulse to give a contented sigh. Mello's lips tasted even better when he was awake, if that was possible.
After a moment, Matt remembered exactly what he was doing, and he pulled back, looking at Mello's face – searching for a reaction. The other boy was blushing slightly, but his face showed know sign of regret. "Just...tell me if there's anything you don't like, okay?" Matt told him. "You can just tell me to stop, if you aren't comfortable with..."
Before the rest of his sentence was out of his mouth, Mello had pulled him forward and recaptured their lips even harder.
Instead of pulling away this time, Matt wrapped his arms around Mello's neck and deepened the kiss. "I love you, Mello," he whispered. "I love you so much..."
"I know," Mello whispered back.
As if subconsciously, Matt's hand traveled down to Mello's waist as their kiss became even more intimate. "Shit!" he pulled away. "I'm sorry."
"What?" Even though Mello had felt a shiver run up his spine when Matt had touched him there, it had been a good feeling. "Don't stop," Mello said. "It's okay."
Trembling slightly, Matt kissed him again, focusing on keeping his hands away from the areas he so desperately wanted to touch. Before he even realized it, he was on top of Mello, his mouth pressed against the other boy's neck, his tongue tasting flesh.
As Matt felt Mello's hands running along his bare skin up under his shirt, he gave a pleasurable shiver. The other boy's hand reached up to his face, this time, stroking his cheek in a way that made Matt close his eyes and mewl. Then Mello's hand moved down to his neck, stroking his shoulder, and forcing another whimper out of Matt. Every touch was driving Matt crazy.
"Sh-shit..." Matt sat up, panting. "We have to s-stop. Ah...h..."
"Matt, we both know that neither of us wants to stop," Mello said, slightly breathless, his face flushed.
"You don't get it, I can't..." Matt bit his lip. "If we go any farther, I won't be able to stop..."
"Who says I want you to?"
"But..."
Mello put a finger to his lips to silence him. "Haven't you always wanted to try it?"
"Y-yeah, but..."
"Then what's stopping you?"
"Do you have any idea what you're asking me to do?" Matt said, his voice breathless. Mello could practically hear the pounding of the other boy's heart.
"I know what 'sex' means, okay?" He gave a dull roll of the eyes.
"How can you be so casual about it?" Matt asked. "Like it's no big deal?"
"I'm just giving you the choice. Don't think you have to stop because of me."
"I don't think that."
"Then why are you stopping?"
Matt's eyes darkened, and he roughly brought their lips together again. As though instinctively, he slipped his hand inside the towel Mello was wearing, touching him directly.
"Ah..ah..." Mello arched a little, his hands clenching around the material of Matt's shirt.
Matt watched the other boy's reaction carefully, before rubbing slightly harder, earning another small moan from the other boy. "I-is that okay?" Matt asked.
Unable to form any words, Mello simply nodded, begging Matt to go on. Matt quickly complied, closing his hand around the other boy's already-hardened member and giving it a small stroke.
"Ah...sh-shit..." Mello gripped Matt's shirt tighter and squeezed his eyes shut.
Damn...he got turned-on quick...I never realized he felt the same way I did... Matt pressed his lips to Mello's neck, and the other boy shivered. The reaction I've always wanted to see out of him... As more moans and gasps came from beneath him, Matt began to rub himself against the other boy, biting his lip as the pressure began to build inside of him. What the hell was he doing?
"M-Matt..." Mello gasped, digging his nails into the other boy's shoulder. "Ah...nn...ah..." He tried to stay silent, still somewhat concious of the fact that his parents were just down the hallway.
Matt secretly loved the noises he was receiving; they only aroused him more, made him more anxious to continue. He knew that he couldn't stop now, he was too far ahead of himself. Mello's voice whispering his name was like a drug to him. A sweet poison... He rubbed against Mello harder, his mind hazy and his breathing heavy. He yelped a little as Mello's nails dug harder into his shoulder, but ignored the slight pain as his hand squeezed and stroked the other boy, leaving the both of them breathless.
"Ahh...! M-Matt...I ..." Mello gasped. "Ah...I...I think I'm going to...!" He wrapped his arms around Matt's neck, pulling the other boy close against him as he shuddered violently, and the next moment Matt could feel something warm between his fingers.
That was all it took for Matt to reach his limit, and next moment his hands tightened around the sheets as he felt himself come shortly after. It was amazing, that simply rubbing against Mello had given him so much pleasure. He hardly dared to think of what anything else would do to him.
When both boys were finished, Matt raised up and looked into Mello's eyes. They were wide, shocked, and his breathing was light but rapid.
"Wh-what the hell d-did we just do?" Mello said, terrified by the satisfaction he had received from the act.
"Wha...well...w-we didn't really 'do' anything, I mean..." Matt suddenly found his own breathing quavering. "That didn't really count...as..."
"Y-yeah," Mello said, taking a small breath. "W-we didn't do anything." He nodded, though unconvincingly. "But...what did we do, then?"
Matt sat up on the bed, wiping his hand off on the sheets. "I uh – don't really know what that classifies as."
Mello didn't either, though the words 'assisted masturbation' came to mind.
"M-Matt, do you...?"
"Hm?" Matt turned to look at the other boy, who was sitting up.
Blushing a little, Mello reached over and took Matt's hand in his own. "We both wanted it, though, right?"
"Y-yeah, we did." That was the thought that scared Matt the most. Just thinking about it was one thing, but actually doing it was a completely different matter.
"Did you..." Mello took a deep breath. "...like it?"
"Uh..." Matt's face turned a bright red. "Y-yeah, I did..." A lot.
"M-me too," Mello said, squeezing Matt's hand.
"So what does this mean? What are we?"
"Why do we have to think of a term to describe it?" Mello smiled slightly. "I don't think any words can describe it."
"So what are you thinking now?" Matt asked quietly.
Mello's smile widened. "I'm thinking that I love you."
"Really? We think alike, then." Matt smiled back and leaned forward to kiss the other boy, but then held back.
Realizing Matt's hesitation, Mello abruptly grabbed the front of Matt's shirt and pressed their lips together.
Matt was blushing when Mello parted from him.
"Don't hesitate to do what you're feeling," Mello said. "Just do it."
Slowly, Matt nodded. "A-alright." Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around Mello and buried his face in the other boy's chest.
As though reading Matt's thoughts, Mello returned the embrace and ran his fingers through the other boy's hair. "Ich leibe dich," he murmured, his voice almost a song.
"Je t'aime," came Matt's muffled voice. "Mello...will you always stay with me?"
"Of course," Mello whispered, tightening his arms around Matt.
They both fell back against the pillows and Matt secured his arm around Mello, taking the other boy's hand and lacing their fingers together. "I should go before your parents come in," he said.
"I don't want you to leave," Mello protested.
"I'll be back tomorrow night, I promise."
Mello turned over to face the other boy, pouting slightly, but then his expression became serious. "Where are you staying?"
Matt avoided his gaze. "Don't worry about me. I'll be here tomorrow, okay?"
"Alright." Mello sighed and let go of Matt as the other boy slid out of bed, however desperately he didn't want the other boy to leave him.
"Bye." Matt gave a small wave as he swung a leg out the window.
"Bye..." Mello watched as the other boy disappeared outside, leaving the window open behind him.
Mello didn't feel like getting up, but knew he must look a sight. So with a heavy sigh, he stood up and trudged into the bathroom, knowing he probably wouldn't be able to sleep through the night.
第１３話 － 終
So, REVIEW, what did you think?