A/N: Okay, so I've been incredibly busy lately... and will continue to be for the rest of the week. But I managed to get enough time to type up this chapter (whoop-dee-doo for me!) and I would like to dedicate it to two people: firstly, serenaXyaten, who pointed out to me that chapter six was a repost. I can't believe I missed that fact. And secondly, to LaCristina, whose predictions are so accurate they're scary, and whom I am incredibly grateful to for taking all that time to submit such a comprehensive review. Thank you so much!
Without further ado, I present to you chapter six.
Hearts from Aries
Meiling snapped her cellphone shut with a frown. "Idiots," she mumbled. They ran to her for help for the slightest things—how infuriating. As though I don't have better things to do, she thought, annoyed. She glanced behind her to see Syaoran glowering at… what was her incognito name again... Xiao Long… and winced. He looked upset; she, if anything, looked even worse. That was definitely not what she had planned to happen.
"Come on, you guys," she said quickly. "Let's go sight-seeing. Xiao Long hasn't been around here for a lot of time either and besides, she's been avoiding the media people, so she hasn't done the whole tourist bit yet—being a diva sucks sometimes, although the champagne perks are amazing at parties, or so I hear. You both up for it?"
"Sure," Syaoran said unenthusiastically. Xiao Long sent her a beseeching look from behind the shades, looking unhappy. This was definitely not the plan… she forced her brightest smile on her face and spoke in a loud, cheerful voice. "Hurry up, you two, we've got a lot of places to go!"
She wondered whether the part that she had played in Syaoran's story five years ago had indirectly contributed to what had happened. Perhaps she had played a bigger role in the tragedy than she had realized. Swallowing hard, she tugged on his arm and dragged both he and Xiao Long to the car.
Tomoyo's fingers hit the numbers without her even looking.
"Li Meiling speaking."
"Meiling, it's me!"
Miles away in Hong Kong, Meiling sat up on the couch, eyes widening as she switched off the television. "Oh hey, Tomoyo! Happy birthday—I meant to call you tonight. I thought you were having a party today or something. How's it going?"
"Peachy," Tomoyo said as she looked at the new ring on her finger. Then she checked her pockets and found a folded piece of paper and a small parcel wrapped in pink tissue paper, smelling faintly of lemon—a scent that she always associated with Xiao Lang. "I just stepped out of the party a sec to talk to you. Thanks for the gift, Meiling. I keep it in my desk along with the diary you sent me."
"I don't know whether it'll work out," Meiling said as gently as she could. She wished that they didn't have to discuss something like this. Never in her wildest dreams would she have guessed it, until she had finally wormed it out of Tomoyo. "I just hope… I mean, the three of you are all my friends… so if you said something but he didn't feel the same way, or he did feel the same way and Sakura…"
"Yeah," Tomoyo said. "But I can't help hoping now. It must seem really stupid to you. I could have done something earlier on, but…" She bit her lip and stopped herself. "Let's not talk about this right now, okay? It is my birthday." With a laugh she changed the subject. "Guess what? Eriol got me a ring."
"NO WAY!" Tomoyo winced and pulled it away from her ear as Meiling let out an ear-splitting shriek of disbelief. "Fast operator, isn't he? So when's the wedding? Can I be your maid of honor? That is, if it isn't Sakura. Or is it possible to have two maids of honor?"
"Not like that!" she laughed. "Although everybody thought that at first. It's a birthday present."
"That's one hell of a gift."
Yes, it was. She scrutinized the sparkling stones inlaid on the silver band. It was strange how something so small and delicate could feel so heavy on her finger. It was as though some unspoken promise now anchored her to Eriol.
"But it isn't like you guys are getting married or anything," added Meiling. "So don't let it bother you too much."
She smiled as she untied the parcel. "I wish you were here to join in on the fun, so I wouldn't have to describe all this to you, you know. Why don't you come over to Japan sometime? Japan is nice this time of year." She blinked as she looked down at the gift. It was a small charm to wear around her neck, worked in silver and shaped in an oddly curving symbol. She opened the note. It was written in Chinese; he had been teaching her how to speak and write Mandarin. While she couldn't do either perfectly yet, she was learning fast. In fact, they'd been doing a lot of thing together recently, apart from watching kung fu movies and going to training. She smiled.
Dear Tomoyo,
Happy birthday. This is a special charm for you to wear. It's supposed to protect you and bring good luck—and besides that, it has a small measure of magic in it. It could come in handy if you're ever in trouble. Don't tell Eriol or Sakura that you have it, okay? Sakura doesn't really know how to keep a secret all that well (although I hate to say it) and I think that Hiragizawa would call me a hypocrite because I'm always lecturing him about using his magic for 'frivolous means'. Besides, you ARE his girlfriend.
On that topic, this may not be the time to mention it, but I'm getting more and more worried about you. That talk that we had about Hiragizawa (here the paper nearly had a hole through the writing, as though Syaoran had pressed very hard on the pen while writing the name) and about… well, love. I wonder whether this is what is best for you even if you insist that you can handle it. It's not a question of whether you can handle it or not, because I know all too well that you can take pretty much anything. But don't you get it, Tomoyo? That's not the issue! The issue here is that there's more out there for you.
A person would have to be an idiot not to see what a great person you are—you're smart, pretty, blah, blah, and all that stuff that I would rather not say right now because it's going to give me a headache. You deserve to be happy.
Sorry I suck at writing letters. Okay, I don't. Not really. But I do suck at writing nice ones. Happy birthday.
Always,
Xiao Lang
Her eyes filled with tears as she folded the letter again. "Tomoyo? What's wrong?" Meiling asked, concerned, as silence filled the other end of the line. "Are you okay over there?"
"Xiao Lang's gift…" she murmured. "It's wonderful." She clasped it around her neck and tucked the paper in her pocket. "I'm never taking this off. They'll have to pry it from my cold, dead corpse." She let out a sigh. "I feel so sorry for him sometimes. He has this whole hero complex thing, about wanting to protect everyone. But if he didn't have that, he wouldn't be Xiao Lang."
"If you love him, why don't you just tell him?"
Meiling looked back at Syaoran and Xiao Long in the backseat, both of them silently staring out the window. She had said those words to Tomoyo; perhaps then it was her fault that everything happened the way it did. Life was supposed to be simple for all of them. It… it shouldn't have turned out this way.
Hearts from Aries
"She's taking a long time," Yukito commented to Eriol. "Think we should check up on her? She's missing her own party."
"Girl talk," Nakuru said wisely.
Syaoran glanced upstairs, wondering whether he'd made a mistake in giving her that note. It would be humiliating if she went to him and told him that she really did love Hiragizawa. Somehow he felt that it wasn't true—it couldn't be—but then again, he wasn't very good at reading girls.
"What's the matter, Syaoran?" Sakura asked.
"You look like you just swallowed a goldfish," Nakuru added. Spinel Sun had gone off somewhere to read—parties were apparently not his thing—and so she was bored, and ready for someone to pick on. And he was a very handy target at the moment.
"Ah… just thinking," he said truthfully.
"Tomoyo said that you're not allowed to think while you're here," Eriol said, grinning, as light flashed off his glasses. "You have to be punished for breaking my lovely girlfriend's rules—and on her own birthday too. Shame on you. I ought to teach you a lesson and poke into your mind, my cute little descendant."
Syaoran turned red. "It's really none of your business, Hiragizawa," he snapped. Ever since Sakura had become his girlfriend he'd started putting a magical barrier up in his mind to shield his thoughts from Eriol anyway. And ever since the day that Hiragizawa had first probed his mind and found the block, he didn't try to break it, even though Syaoran knew that he could have done it all too easily; he had simply let Syaoran be, and he had to admit that Eriol had at least been decent enough to respect his wishes even if he was an annoyingly smug ass.
Who was he kidding? Even with his constant complaints about the way Eriol was, Eriol was essentially a great guy. Years of psychoanalyzing himself after Eriol's first appearance, he realized that the reason why he had been so annoyed at the guy was for two reasons: one, because he was uneasy about Eriol's power, and two, because Eriol was just… perfect.
Come on; Eriol beat him at just about everything. There had been a point when he had tortured himself wondering whether Sakura would prefer Clow Reed's reincarnation to him, with all those suave, insanely smooth techniques that he used on her. He winced at the memory and forced himself not to think about it.
It had taken him a lot of effort to be mature enough to acknowledge that he had been jealous. Sometimes he felt like he just wanted to be a normal kid and just hate Eriol, but his mind wouldn't let him rest until he admitted the truth. Eriol was wonderful, and he didn't like him because of that.
But clearly, whether he was perfect or not, Tomoyo simply didn't love him. Or maybe again he was mistaken and—
Stop thinking so much, he ordered himself, as Tomoyo came downstairs, smiling. She smiled dutifully first at Eriol, like any loving girlfriend would. Syaoran's stomach turned; perhaps he had made a big mistake. Maybe she really was in love. But when she turned away from Eriol, he saw a flash of something in her eyes and knew that he hadn't been wrong at all. She went to him.
"Meiling says you should call her later, Xiao Lang," she said, her glance ticking to Sakura, who was at Syaoran's side, and then their gazes locked for a nanosecond—the two of them were good at communicating nonverbally now, and he immediately understood that she had something to say to him in private even as Tomoyo continued chatting about inconsequential things. "She's thinking about visiting Japan some time soon, so try and help me persuade her, okay?"
"Okay," he agreed. Then he feigned glancing over at Touya. "Is that your baby album, Sakura?" Thankfully Touya had chosen this moment to snicker over it with Yukito (who looked embarrassed for Sakura and was reprimanding Touya), Kero (who was stuffing himself with sweets while exclaiming over the snapshots), Nakuru (who had gotten bored with him and was now saying how much cuter Sakura was then Touya, much to Touya's disgust) and Eriol (who was chuckling inwardly, immensely amused). His girlfriend's cheeks turned a bright, blotchy red and she rushed over to try and seize it from Touya. He turned back to Tomoyo. "You can tell me what you wanted to say now."
When had they gotten to know each other this way? To know what the other was thinking, when they were going to talk about things that they didn't want the others to know…
Hang on. They didn't have things that they didn't want the others to know, did they?
Apparently they did. "Thank you, Xiao Lang," she said softly, touching her hand to the spot where she had placed the charm under the collar of her dress, hiding it from sight even as she appreciated the feel of the cool metal against her skin. "I don't deserve such a gift."
"Yes, you do," he said. "And I only wish that I knew what else to do." He looked back at Sakura, and then at Tomoyo. "I…"
"You've done more than enough," she replied. "Please."
It was odd how her voice changed when she was around him. With Sakura, it was bright and bubbly. In the choir, it was a high, pure soprano. To Eriol, it could be affectionate and even flirty. To everyone, it was elegant and musical.
With Syaoran alone, it trembled. In a way that no one else had ever heard.
And sometimes it scared him, even though he wasn't sure why.
"So how does it feel to be sixteen?" he asked her, not wanting to continue this train of thought. It probably would have turned out to be something of the 'you're-too-kind' spiel variety, which was merely formality and courtesy.
"Honestly?"
"Yeah."
She ran a hand through her hair, deliberating no her answer. "The future scares me. I feel more insecure about sixteen than I was of my childhood. I feel like my choices matter a lot more now. And that… that everything's uncertain." She sighed. "I had more faith in everything when I was younger. Everything was safe back then. And if it wasn't, at least I knew what would happen."
"Oh, Tomoyo. That's what we're here for. If you ever need help…"
"If I ever need help?" She smiled, inhaling his signature aura of lemon zest. Yes, she really did love him. She just wished that she hadn't damned herself doing it. "I know exactly where to get it. But Xiao Lang, don't forget that you need help sometimes too." She raised her violet eyes to him. "And that I'm here to give it when you need it."
Her tone changed swiftly as Eriol started walking towards them, a glass of Tomoyo's favorite strawberry milkshake in his hand. She looked tired all of the sudden as she changed the subject, but she made it sound as though they'd been discussing it all along. "So, don't forget our practice session at the dojo later, right, Xiao Lang? I'm still awful at those high kicks."
"Of course."
Hearts from Aries
He had called his cousin that night. Not because he had some agenda in mind, but because he wanted to. And because Tomoyo had asked him to.
Not that he really got why that had so much bearing to him.
"Meiling?"
"Finally, you call me. You realize that the last time you called was before White Day?" He could almost picture his impulsive cousin with her hands on her hips, yelling at him. "You are such an ungrateful twit! At least Tomoyo told me about it." Her tone softened. "You did a good thing, giving her that painting. She's already e-mailed me pictures of it, and it's beautiful. I didn't know that you were so good at art."
He winced. "I'm not."
"Auntie Yelan wants to know how you're doing, you know. The letters that you send home aren't exactly the most informative." Syaoran still had to write at least once a week to tell them that yes, he was still alive, and no, he hadn't used up all the money they were transferring to his bank account each month.
"I'm fine."
Meiling's tone changed. "You know that Tomoyo called me earlier during her party, right?"
"Yeah, of course."
"She said something about a charm. Now, I don't know whether my hunch is correct, but…"
Sometimes Meiling really was too smart for her own good. He knew that she could read him like a book and that there was no point hiding the truth from her. And he knew that her guess was correct. "It is what you think it is."
Meiling gasped. "Auntie will throw a fit. She'll kill you. No, wait. The Elders will probably kill you. And then mother will kill you. And then the rest of the Li clan. And you'll be like some extra-concentrated ghost. Can you die more than once?"
"I'll make her understand somehow," Syaoran said stubbornly. "And mother doesn't have to know right now."
"You imbecile! You really gave away the Li clan charm?"
Syaoran winced at her low reprimand. He knew that she didn't dare roar at him the way she wanted to, for fear of someone overhearing her. "Yes, I did," he said. "I gave it to Tomoyo."
Meiling was conflicted. On the one hand, she was overjoyed for Tomoyo. On the other hand, her Li clan training and education were kicking in. "The Li clan charm contains a portion of the magical and physical signatures of every Li clan member, even the dead ones. It's the single most powerful magical object out there. It has the power to rival even Clow, since Clow Reed himself put in part of his aura there. How could you just give it to Tomoyo?"
"I can protect myself. She can't!" he protested. "And you don't need to give me that lecture. It isn't as if I don't know what the charm is. You don't understand, Meiling. It was better, for it to go to her, instead of gathering dust in my treasure chest. I would rather see it around her neck and keeping her safe."
"Syaoran… are you sure you really are in love with Sakura?"
He flinched. "What the hell does that have to do with this?"
"Everything."
"You've got it all wrong. Look, just don't tell mother or anyone else, okay? They won't know unless you tell them. Please? And Tomoyo doesn't know what it is either, so don't tell her."
Meiling gave an odd little laugh. "You're wrong. I don't have to tell her. I'm sure that deep down, Tomoyo was the first to realize what it means." And with that, she hung up.
Hearts from Aries
In those days, during the weekends, they would come to the dojo an hour before everyone else so that they could practice more. They enjoyed the solitude offered to them—sixty minutes worth—just talking to each other and practicing. It was easier when they weren't trying to avoid being overheard by the others; Syaoran especially hated it when the girls became incredibly obvious in their attempts to eavesdrop—and that happened all too often.
They had enough trouble avoiding talking about certain subjects in front of their classmates anyway.
"Hey, Xiao Lang," Tomoyo said, entering and dropping her gym bag near the door. She was already dressed in her white gi, as he was—a complete change from the rich fabric of her birthday dress earlier. "You're earlier than I expected."
"Nothing else to do," he said.
She smiled and shrugged, and they started to warm up. "I thought that you were checking out college options with Kasukabe-san," she commented, referring to their homeroom adviser. "Or something to that extent, anyway."
He made a face. "You mean because she's been flinging those brochures at me? No—to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to college." He sighed and started to go through the usual tai chi exercises. "It just seems… well, I don't know. Pointless. I already know what I'm going to be, right? I'm going to be the head of the Li clan, blah, blah, uphold the family duty. Whatever. It isn't like I don't already know about the business courses that I'm going to take. I've done a lot more than that."
As he corrected her form, she brushed her hair back from her eyes. "Honestly, I think you're lucky." She avoided his eyes as she started following his movements, even as he turned to look at her. "My mom wants me to take business too. I'm thinking about music classes…" she trailed off, looking embarrassed. "She says that there's no money in it, but the truth is that I just want to sing. I guess it's selfish of me, considering that she's practically spent her entire life building up Daidouji Corp for me. I know my mother wants me to be happy, but sometimes it feels like she's forgotten that I ought to have a say in what makes me happy."
He'd never taken it for granted that she would want something other than to be the head of Daidouji Corp. He wondered what it was like for her; all his life, he'd only wanted to assume his place as the rightful leader of the Li clan. He'd known what was expected of him, and he had aligned his desires to obey the elders of his clan. "I'm not the best person to talk to about this," he said, hesitating as he chose his words carefully. "I understand that you have dreams, but…"
"But I shouldn't act on them, because of a sense of duty?"
"Well… yeah."
"You're probably right. Let's… let's not talk about it," she said abruptly, dropping into a fighting stance. "Spar me?"
"I'm sorry," he said, not moving.
"What for?"
He knew that she was trying to cover up whatever emotions their little exchange had sparked, and he hated it. She was good at it with Sakura and Eriol, covering up and letting them believe what they wanted to; but he had hoped that at least with him… stupid, he reprimanded himself. As though he really had the right to know her any better than her best friend and boyfriend. Utterly stupid. "Let's talk."
She winced. He obviously felt guilty for brushing her aside like that; and much as she felt hurt, she didn't want to force it on someone who didn't want to listen. And what was she doing anyway? He wasn't interested in her story. He only cared about… she looked down at her bare feet, frowning at her cotton candy pink toenails.
Maybe it was time to change that polish. She was tired of being the predictable cotton candy pink girl. "Xiao Lang—"
"No, seriously. It's not just about you. I didn't really mean what I said." He took a deep breath. If he honestly wanted to know her better than Eriol and Sakura, she would have to know him better too. And the truth was that sometimes he felt that he didn't know himself either. "I guess I'm pretty undecided about what I want myself." He saw the doubt in her eyes and winced. "I wonder sometimes—do I really want to be the leader, or was I just brought up to believe it? It's kind of… scary, I guess. And definitely confusing."
She melted. "Thank God. I just feel like I can't talk about this with… with anyone else I know." They sat down in the middle of the dojo, ignoring the feeling of being surrounded by all that open space. "I mean, Sakura's dad will support her no matter what she chooses. And as for Eriol… well… he doesn't exactly have that problem, does he?"
He laughed a little. "Yeah, now that I think about it. And everyone else… well, it just seems…"
"Set in stone for them," she finished. "Or so distant that they barely seem real to us. I mean, take Yamazaki; he's going to take up Communications and become a comedian, but everyone knows that he and Chiharu will be getting engaged soon. Naoko wants to take up Literature and write, but she's already been given an offer from some publishing companies for some stories that she's already written. Rika… well, they said that Rika and Terada-sensei are going to be married once she graduates, and then she's going to take up Nursing. They're all… so happy. They just don't have the same obligations. Even Touya and Yukito; even if they're in college, they pursued their own dreams. Not really hard, considering that they basically can do whatever they want. They don't have anything to stop them."
"I hear you," he agreed. "I wonder if anyone else is going through the same things. They say that this sort of trouble is really common, but if that's the case… where's everyone else out there experiencing the same thing? Everyone else is just looking forward to graduating and having fun with whatever course they choose." He shook his head. "They just don't have a clue. They don't have to deal with the same problems. They don't have any duties to their families, or at least none that come into this magnitude."
She hugged her knees to her chest. "I'm glad that I'm not alone in this," she said. "I always…" She trailed off again, now looking faintly embarrassed. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize for yourself," he insisted. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to sing, Tomoyo. And from what I've heard of your singing… I understand why." He smiled at her. "You have a gift. It would be a shame to let it languish in the office."
"It's just… my mother," she explained, as though that made perfect sense. And in a way, it sort of did. "I barely even see her anymore. Even when she comes back home, she's always shut up in her office. She always says that we're going to go somewhere and it never happens. When I tried talking to her about it, she reminded me that she was just doing it for my future. I feel like I've done something wrong. And that's why she always stays away. And I just want to do whatever I can… to get her approval."
It was impulsive of him—and strange, for someone as undemonstrative as Syaoran when it came to feelings—but he felt overwhelmed for her and reached out and hugged her. She sat there, surprised, with his arms wrapped tightly around her. "You didn't do anything wrong. Your mom loves you, in her own way. I'm not saying that her way is the right way, but she does; I think she just doesn't know what she's doing. And that doesn't mean that you should give up your dreams for that."
She didn't make a sound, just sat there shaking and let the tears fall until his gi was completely soaked; and then finally, when she couldn't stand it anymore she let out hard, broken sobs that racked her body.
It's okay, he whispered to himself, letting the sound wash over him in waves, unaware that he was stroking her hair as she rocked in his arms, crying. When they were little, Tomoyo didn't cry. Not ever. Sakura had once sworn that Tomoyo just didn't know how to. Of course she'd been proved wrong that day when Tomoyo was with Eriol on the landing. His arms tightened around her. Don't bottle it up anymore. We all know that you've been hiding it. We—he didn't even have the courage to say that he knew that she'd been hiding something.
"Xiao Lang…" she said finally, wiping at her eyes. She hated herself for getting so weepy in front of him, patches of color flooding her cheeks in embarrassment. She hadn't meant for it to get out of hand like this. She'd been crying a lot since the first time Eriol had gotten her to break down. And now he probably thought that she was an overemotional drama queen—worse, he probably only cared because he felt sorry for her. Or because she was Sakura's supposed best friend. She could find no words to say to him except the ones that she had used so often, like a knee-jerk reaction, whenever she had nothing else to say: "I'm sorry."
He wondered if she was angry. From the way she acted, she seemed embarrassed more than anything else. His throat was dry as he tried to answer her, wanting to tell her everything that had been on his mind ever since that day that she had come in acting so strangely and Eriol had changed everything among the four of them. Instead, only two words unstuck themselves. "It's okay."
And she wanted to believe that it was.
Hearts from Aries
"Meiling?"
She snapped out of her reverie to find Syaoran and Xiao Long looking at her with frank concern. "Oh, sorry. I just spaced out for a moment there."
Guess I'm not the only one affected, Syaoran thought, half-bitter and half-guilty. He knew that his appearance dredged up memories that she had been trying to suppress with probably the same amount of success that he had: in other words, zero. It was Meiling who had turned out to be Tomoyo's confidant at the time, although neither girl had breathed a word to him. And to think that Meiling was his cousin…
It was that evening, after her practice with Syaoran. After they had talked for what seemed like forever, they had finally both gone home. And the first thing that Tomoyo had done was call Meiling again. "I don't know, Meiling," Tomoyo said, frowning as she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Scrubbed free of makeup, her face looked pathetically young. She wondered whether Syaoran knew the difference between her face at the dojo and the one outside of it. "This is getting too messy."
"But I think that he's made it clear enough that he has some feelings for you," Meiling returned, exasperated. She couldn't help feeling a little jealous of Tomoyo; all those years, as his childhood friend, as his cousin, as his fiancée for crying out loud, and he never even hugged her. And Tomoyo had turned that all around, even though she wasn't his girlfriend. Correction: even though he already had a girlfriend. "I know that this looks messy and I know that you really don't want to get between him and Sakura, but don't you think that that's a choice that he should be allowed to make by himself?" She bit her lip. "I know it's hard."
"But Sakura barely even talks to me anymore about anything else. It's always Syaoran this and Syaoran that, it's never just the normal stuff. I didn't even have the heart to tell her long ago that I liked him because we were so caught up with the Sakura cards." She sighed. "I even encouraged him to go after her, which is so stupid I wish I could just kill myself now and get it over with."
Meiling sighed. "It's just that you're so… you're so passive, Tomoyo. Everyone runs to you when they have problems, but you always put aside your own. I wouldn't have guessed if you hadn't told me yourself."
Tomoyo opened her dresser drawer with a key tied around her neck and looked at Meiling's present to her: a framed picture of Syaoran, which Meiling had teased her mercilessly about over the phone. She admired it for a moment before hastily locking it again. "I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Like the whole Eriol thing. I mean, he's sweet and everything but… there's just this something that I don't really understand." She wondered why Eriol himself didn't seem to realize it; or if he did, he gave no hint of it to her. How could it be possible that Clow Reed didn't see through her and know that she wasn't in love with him? She supposed that even a powerful magician had to make mistakes sometimes.
She supposed that in the long run, she'd only made a mistake when it came to Eriol. And she had a feeling that she would regret it forever. But right now, she just didn't have the heart to break up with him and tell him that the main reason why she had agreed in the first place was that she saw Sakura and Syaoran and she had desperately wished for her own happy ending. Maybe she had even thought, as she had told Syaoran, that she'd school herself to fall in love. It was a little too late when she found out that things didn't really work out that way.
"I thought that he and Sakura were destined for each other," Meiling said after a moment. She had to be as honest as possible with Tomoyo—she just had to warn the other girl, as she had done repeatedly before. Tomoyo had tried listening, but she told Meiling flat-out every time that it just didn't work. But still—there was no harm in trying again. "Maybe they are."
Yes, maybe they were. But Tomoyo…
"I can't help it, Meiling," she said. "I know what you're trying to tell me, but my brain just isn't listening. I'm sorry. If I could have, I would have put a stop to it a long time ago. But I can't. And maybe it's selfish of me to do this, but I don't know what else I can do." She ran a hand through her hair. She had liked Syaoran long before he'd even realized that he had feelings for Sakura. When she picked up on his feelings (not that it was hard to, the way he blushed around her best friend) she was crushed. And then she told him to go tell Sakura, letting the two of them live happily ever after not caring about what happened to her—practically with her blessing.
Sometimes she wondered what was wrong with Sakura. How come the other girl never even wondered why she was always around Syaoran when they went out? Didn't Sakura ever stop to think sometimes?
And sometimes she wondered whether she was mad or just a masochist—she couldn't blame Sakura, not when she had pretended that she didn't feel anything for him and was even the one who set them up. She just smiled at them and cursed herself. Especially when she lost both Syaoran and Sakura when they got together, now that her best friend was spending all her time with her boyfriend. And after Meiling had moved away, Chiharu had paired up with Yamazaki, Rika started dating Terada-sensei (as soon as she had gotten a little bit older and made sure that they were discreet), and Naoko was caught up in her own little world of books, blissfully alternating between Rika and Chiharu. Where did that leave her? "We're friends now, and I think that he cares for me in a big-brother sort of way."
"I really think that I should come over there," Meiling said, shaking her head even though Tomoyo couldn't see her. "I think you're just really lonely right now, Tomoyo. When's the last time you and Sakura went out together as BFFs anyway?"
"She can't help it. She's always out with Xiao Lang."
Then the heaviness of the statement hit her full in the chest. "Damn it. I'm just deluding myself." With a groan, she let her head rest on her dresser with a solid thump and let it stay there. "I don't know anymore. I don't know about anything. All I'm sure of is that I really do care for him, even if he doesn't for me."
I care so badly I think that my head's going to burst. I wonder if Tomoyo's okay. Syaoran gave himself a little shake to wake up from his trance and smile at Sakura, who was sitting beside him in the dimness of the movie theater not too far from the Daidouji residence. She beamed back at him, but he still felt an odd sense of disquiet.
He wondered whether he'd offended Tomoyo earlier. It was just that he felt that she was probably the saddest person he'd ever come across—and that was including himself, his mother, and his dead, overworked father. She was even more tragic than those old sadist goats also known as the Elders of the Li clan. He tapped his chin thoughtfully as he kept his eyes trained on the screen.
She had changed; why hadn't any of them seen it? He doubted whether Sakura had even noticed anything. And then he felt guilty, because he knew that he was the one who took up most of her time.
"You okay, Syaoran?" Sakura whispered, snuggling a little closer to him. Her hair tickled his chin, the smell of peaches and apples and cherry blossoms hanging between them. "You seem kind of distracted tonight." Actually, he'd been acting like this for a while now. It was starting to make her worry.
He wondered whether he should mention anything to her. If Sakura knew, surely she would do something…?
"It's nothing," he whispered back, wondering why he couldn't bring himself to tell her. He supposed it was because he didn't want her to feel bad about not realizing anything about what was going on with her own best friend. And besides, it would have felt like betrayal, telling Sakura what had seemed like the deepest of secrets to him.
Tomoyo probably had a good reason for not telling Sakura what was going on. If he read Tomoyo right, he was sure that she was trying to spare her from knowing. That was just the way she was.
The problem with Tomoyo was that she was so… submissive. She took whatever life doled out to her without saying anything in complaint. And he'd thought that she didn't mind; worse, that she was actually happy about it—now that would have been hilarious if wasn't so pitiful.
"Syaoran—"
Sighing, he turned his attention back to Sakura and to the film and forced a smile at his girlfriend, who was frowning at him. "I told you—it's really nothing."
Hearts from Aries
Syaoran didn't want to see anybody. He had locked everyone out of his apartment, saying that he didn't want to talk, didn't want to think about what was happening. Even Sakura had respected his wishes, leaving him alone. But Tomoyo stood outside, ringing the doorbell, evidently having skipped school to visit him.
"Xiao Lang!" she called, her beautiful voice shaky as she alternated between ringing the doorbell and pounding on the door, ignoring the mutters of Syaoran's neighbors. "Please, please open the door. Meiling told me what happened. I don't understand…"
"No," he said, his voice slightly muffled. "It's nothing, Tomoyo. I'm fine. I'll get over it eventually."
"Xiao Lang… you've helped me so much. Can't you let me in? What will it take?" she pleaded. "I'm going to stay out here the whole night if I have to. I don't want you to be left alone like this."
"We all knew that Fanren was going to die," he muttered through the door, just loud enough for her to hear through the thick wood. "Mother had already seen it in her future. I just…" He struggled to put himself into words. "I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to her. I didn't even say that I was sorry."
"I can't pretend to know what you're feeling right now," she replied. "But I do know that I want to see you, and I want to listen to what you've got to say."
He opened the door. "I'm the one who caused Fanren's illness," he whispered.
Tomoyo's brow furrowed. "They said that she died of a mysterious sickness all of the sudden," she said carefully. "Her doctors couldn't determine what it was. They suspected poison at first, but they vetoed it in the end."
"I wasn't supposed to be born when I was younger. My mother and father needed a son; they offered to sacrifice another one of their daughters eventually if they were granted it. And the gods chose Fanren, to be taken when her power reached its peak." His throat constricted. "They claimed her only today, so her magic must have finally developed to its full potential. She lived her life knowing that she was a sacrifice for me, but I never got the chance to thank her for it."
Dear gods, he's been carrying this on his shoulders for so long. She drew him to her, embracing him protectively. "Xiao Lang…"
"How could my mother and father have done that?" he murmured. "She was their own flesh and blood. For the sake of having a male heir, they gave her up to the gods. I should never have been born."
What can I say to make him feel better? It was all so difficult to know. "Then don't let Fanren's death go in vain. Be the best that you can be, Xiao Lang, and she'll have no regrets." She felt the need to protect him from the harshness of the reality that he was experiencing right now. "We can't do anything about what happened, but we can change so that we can try to make the most out of it. Who was to say that she wouldn't have died even without the bargain your parents struck?"
"But I know that she wanted to live," he said softly. "Everyone does."
She directed her gaze at him. "If it was to save a person that I loved with all my heart, I would have no qualms about dying. Your sister died nobly. I can't pretend that I approve of what your parents did, but I understand why. And selfish as it may seem, I'm glad that you're alive now. I'm sure that if Fanren could speak to you now, she would tell you the same thing. If she really hated you, she wouldn't have been such a good sister to you—she never treated you any differently. And hard as it may be, you have to accept her death."
"I…" he let himself stop thinking, surrendering himself to the gentle arms encircling him as he wept for the first time in a long, long while.
Thank God. She held him tight. "I'm here, Xiao Lang. Please don't try to stop your tears."
Hearts from Aries
"Syaoran!" Sakura said, delighted, when he came to school the next day. There was a look of peace on his face; he had finally come to terms with the enormity of the situation, but at the same time, he accepted it. "Are you feeling better now?"
He ventured a smile. "Yes." He sighed. "They told me not to come back for the funeral… they said they didn't want to disrupt my studies." He clenched his fist. "I'm going anyway. Fanren would have understood that I wanted to see her one last time." The funeral was the next day, and he would be flying to Hong Kong that very afternoon.
"You're going alone?" Sakura asked.
With a nod, he added, "I doubt that your brother would take it well if you tried going, Sakura."
She smiled sheepishly. "True… but I wondered whether you needed someone for you there."
In truth, he was dreading the funeral. He would have to look on Fanren's cold, dead face. It was easier for him to bear without actually having to look on her, but he reasoned that he had to be strong. "I'll be okay on my own," he assured her. "I'll probably fly right back afterwards anyway."
Tomoyo observed him carefully, her amethyst eyes picking up the slight trembling in his fingers, the quiet tremor in his voice. She dropped her gaze and started scribbling something in her notebook.
When Syaoran appeared on his mother's doorstep in Hong Kong, the first thing he heard was Meiling screaming, "You bloody idiot, we told you not to come!" before she hit him on the head with a satisfyingly loud thud. She looked extremely upset for some reason. "I didn't think that you were fool enough to disobey—"
"Meiling," he interrupted her. "Fanren is my sister." He glared at her. "I am the cause of her untimely death. The least I can do is being here at the very end." He frowned. "Why didn't you call me when she suddenly fell ill? At least then I would have been able to say goodbye."
His mother dropped her gaze. "Xiao Lang, I felt that under the circumstances—"
Something wasn't right. "Show me," he said slowly.
"No," his sister Xiefa said, moving to stand before him, as though to shield something from him. It was a pathetic gesture; he could have batted her away without even blinking.
Meiling looked from his determined amber eyes to Yelan, silently trying to communicate that Syaoran had the right to know—Syaoran was strong; he could bear it. Yelan merely pursed her lips. Then she sighed heavily. "Xiao Lang… there's something we didn't exactly tell you."
Syaoran's eyes leveled with her. "Show me."
The dark-haired girl gestured for Yelan and Syaoran's sisters to move away. It was in times like this that she was really in her element; she was an expert at assessing bad situations and taking charge. She took Syaoran by the hands, and then showed him the coffin and the young girl inside it.
"What happened to her?" Syaoran asked in horror, taking in the black markings snaking on Fanren's fair skin, like nightshade blood.
"It was because of the sacrifice," she said softly. "I'm so sorry, Xiao Lang. we wanted to spare you from this. We didn't call you because she became incoherent towards the end, raving and… and throwing up blood…"
He clenched his fists. "I see." He felt a pounding in his head. "The funeral is tomorrow. I will be there."
A/N: This chapter is longer than I planned it to be... but all the better, in my opinion. I cut it at a cliffhanger... sorry! Like I said, I'll be swamped with work for the rest of the week (just when I finished one exam, I get launched headfirst into more!) but more reviews equals faster updates, so please keep reviewing! Also, detailed reviews like LaCristina's will definitely motivate me to update soon.