wham, bam, thank you, ma'am ≫ chapter two

And so by then, they're sitting on the lump that is the couch. It's pretty much like a beam of light; I don't know WHAT'S goin' down. I have those kinds of moments sometimes, sort of like seizures. Except without the shuddering. And drool. So I look at the kids, my gang, and back again.

"Uhhh…who are these guys?"

Martel, Dorchet, and Loa groan. Yes, I have the attention span of a withering, rotting walrus. But walruses have like, INSANE packages, and that's hardcore. They're like, inspirational, and the pump honestly doesn't work.

…Fuckin' pump.

"Father," Remington says. "So…what kinda stuff do you like?"

I gotta give the kid props, trying to start a conversation and all. But, honestly; I don't do conversations. I do woman…and beer—sometimes at the same time. Anyway, so Martel flashes him this look of panic, basically saying that this kid's walking into deep, deep shit. Which he is, considering I'm involved. But it's the best shit you could ever get into, really.

"I dunno," I mutter. "Alcohol. Chicks. Crack."

"Crack?" Heh. "Isn't that…a drug?"

"Yup."

"…"

I try to steer the chit-chat off, like some DUI dude does with a truck or whatever. "What about those other two? Don't they talk? Or think for themselves? And if you're the middle kid, why exactly are you speakin' for them both? I thought the kids born in the middle of everyone else were shunned and forgotten about and pissed on."

Remington all nudges Thor, whose head is lolled to the side, eyes darting left to right. He doesn't look too…right in the head, I must say. And babies dropping on their heads by their prostitute mothers doesn't seem too surprising—

Okay. Uncalled for. It's not like kids with head traumas is something to laugh about.

…Who the hell am I trying to convince?

"Uh…hey…little guy…?" At least I'm trying to be nice—! And what was disturbing was the fact Thor looks like a cross between a dick-wielder and a vagina-downer. And a chimpanzee. (Couldn't help thinkin' of that Fullmetal dude by then, frankly.) So looking at him is like looking at the Sun for way, way too long: your eyes just begin to burn in all the wrong places.

Thor then opens his mouth. Believe it or not, all his teeth are perfectly placed and shining an almost blinding white. And they're pointy, too, like a shark's. Kind of…odd, really. But I kinda liked 'em, y'know? It looks like he's about to say something. We're all gulping in tune with the background music (…hah, someone slipped on a record—breaking the forth wall is so last century), until…

Out comes something of roar.

I mean, not even a roar. But like…a roar/moan. If it were to come from a chick while I came down on her, then hey, I'd be pretty aroused. But a little, transgender boy? Not my thing. Call Envy or something if you want a homosexual pedo, but Greed-o doesn't swing that way. He swings straight up, all the way up to Booby Heaven. Which he hopes Lust will be in since she's sex on legs. And maybe Sloth, too, 'cause the mother-type is a personal kink of mine.

I pretty much jump back in my seat a little, basically disturbed as hell. All that smartass Remington does and shrug and point at that thing he calls a brother. "…He's not really…smart. And Tabby is almost three, and she's not really good at talking."

We look at Tabby. I immediately feel a little light-hearted, 'cause she's pretty…cute and all. Man, I am NOT turning into a pussy, but hell, she was scrumptious. If I was that bitchy witch from that one story Loa told me about that candy house, I'd eat this chick right up…and regurgitate her remains and eat her again for kicks. And to my surprise, she was yellow-haired, unlike her siblings who had dark hair like myself. And she's got these bows in her hair, and a completely dumbfounded look on her face. Awwww.

"Dada," she says. I almost slip out a little squeal, but I contain myself. Remington gives her a pat on the head like she's some sort of reward-winning dog. Seriously—I was half-expecting the guy to pull out some freakin' gourmet bone and balance it on her nose or something.

Tabby looks at Martel, her head tipped to the side a little. She then extends a tiny finger and points straight at my colleagues' breasts.

"Melons—!"

…Wow.

Just freaking wow.

Martel covers her chest with her arms like she was being felt up, and lets out something of a squeak. "WHAT did she say?"

Moron. My lovely daughter was talking about those lovely globs you call breasts. Duh. But, of course, I say, "Seems this one is into sexual harassment…I like her already."

"But Greed—! SHE'S ONLY TWO."

"The earlier the better, I always say; at least I don't have to teach her about the laws of women and like…menstrual cramping."

"THAT ISN'T ALL WOMEN ARE ABOUT."

"…Really?" And I'm actually being serious, too.

"Uggggggggh."

Tabby interrupts by shining those hugeass eyes of hers, and flailing her arms. "Dada 'n m-melon OTP! Harem time!"

I raise an eyebrow. "Hammertime…?"

"'Harem,' Greed," Loa says. "I believe your kin is referring to the erotic type of harem that is filled with, if you will, sex parties." He clears his throat all smart-like. Leave it to Loa to know everything about absolutely nothing. "And 'OTP' means 'one true pairing'—a fan fiction term. Fan fiction if crack for people who are interested in the same subject; they can make the characters do anything for their own sick amusement. Thank God I'm hardly ever featured in it…"

"…Just shut the hell up."

Thankfully, he does—but after saying one thing: "Your kids are just like you, Greed—demented, stuck-up, and horny."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I am touched. Greed has gotten to know his children more...Wonderful. Super-tastic. (And heh, a horny two-year-old; I couldn't resist.) Also, I based Tabby off of Kirimi (you know, Nekozawa's little sis?) from Ouran High School Host Club. How I LOVE that series. Remington is based off one of my old classmates from elementary school. He isn't as smart as THIS Remington, but yeah. He was a strange little dude. And Thor? Uhhhh, I don't know. A camel?

But thanks for reading. :D