wham, bam, thank you, ma'am // chapter five

Hey, kiddies.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Don't think I just got lazy and didn't feel like scribbling down my little Homunculus escapade onto the parchment that is my wonderful, gorgeous, extremely sexual life. I was teasing you, you crazy little angels—haven't you ever heard of foreplay? Because I am ALL up for foreplay (…and lying—foreplay and lying gets me hot). Not let's just pick up where I last left off, and you can ignore the hugeass gap between this amazing piece of literature and the last.

Alrighty then, bitches.

Is it recap time?

I think it's recap time.

So, the Whore Patrol took my kids. They're gonna kill the hell out of them if I don't murder that Fullmetal kid. Very vague, I know, but they were going to lay down the line at their immensely queer hideout.

…Which was my basement (or the bar's basement…which is my basement).

Apparently, they set up a base (OH, MY GOD—GET IT?!!) there a few months ago, which is why they knew about Remington, Tabby, and Thor. Convenient, isn't it? Being stalked by a babe, a Babe, and a drag queen? Yeah. Pretty damn convenient.

"I can't believe you've been watching me this whole time!" I bitch. "Can't a man have a private life?!" It almost scared me how much I took all of this to heart. This sudden burst of sensitivity must've meant that Envy's gayness rubbed off on me a bit. "How didn't I realize it sooner? Downstairs is the wine cellar!" And the S&M cellar. Heh heh.

"Well, for one," Lust says, "you're a complete idiot with the attention span of a fish." Sorry, I can't hear you—too busy staring at your HUGE rack. "And the fact that we're all masters in stealth helps made it quite easy to watch you. It was all child's play, really."

"And the walls are thin, too," Envy mutter. "Just thought I'd mention that." He gives me a 'you-fucking-ho' look, and I return the lovely gesture with an all-powerful middle finger.

"…You need to leave eating people to me," Gluttony says, still sucking on his thumb. That thing must look like a large grape…or a penis. Which is, ultimately, probably what Gluttony's manparts look like. But, hey, not everyone can be as blessed as me.

"Just tell me what to do," I sigh. "Geez, this is the worst reunion ever. At least last time, I got to see Lust workin' a coat. Unless, of course…" I look at her all sensually. "…you'd like to slip into something more…comfortable?"

The next few minutes are a blur. But when I wake up, I am strapped to this chair and my pants are reeeeeally riding up in the crotch area (probably Envy's doing). When I reach down to adjust, I realize my hands are taped together.

THESE GUYS ARE ALL ABOUT CONVENIENCE, AREN'T THEY?

"Now that you're comfortable," says Lust, "let me explain how this is going to work: we already know where Fullmetal is—not far from here, actually—do we'll direct you towards him. He should be staying at an Inn right now, so don't even try to be polite and take him outside for a brawl. Just do your bidding wherever he happens to be. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Envy and Gluttony walk over and abruptly untie me. I remain unscathed (meaning unmolested) and manage to get out of that damn house with my balls intact. I grunt when the sunlight reaches my eyes, relieved that I am finally a-freakin'-lone. Until, of course, Envy appears at my side, not seeming to care he looks like a complete retard. So, naturally, I grunt when his fugly face reaches my eyes.

"What are YOU doing here?"

"Didn't Lust say 'we were going to direct you'?"

"So where's the 'we'?"

"Me!"

"…CHRIST."

I half-expect him to jump on a horse and beckon me onto it so we can ride into the light to go like, fishing or whatever, but, thankfully, he just keeps walking. I follow him, and upon minutes of exiting the town, we're in another one. But it seems pretty—how do you say—ghetto. Skanky women lined the streets, wearing very spiffy outfits and sporting breasts that'd make Lusts' blush. They keep on winking at me, and, being the gentlemen that I am, I do the same.

And then we reach another part of town where men line the streets. They have weird mustaches and weird hats and ewwwwww, it smelt like Chapstick. Envy was probably having the time of his life, that bastard. And again, my gentlemen-self shining and simmering, it would be rude of me to interrupt his joyous moment. So, naturally, I do.

"That one in the thong seems to like you."

"Screw you."

We have a wonderful friendship.

Finally, after like, fifty million years, we reach a very run-down hotel thing. It looks like some old chick's pubes or something. Haha. I really don't see why we're there, because I remember Fullmetal being all rich and stuff because he's a short dork who's never going to get laid. But why would he be there?

As if he read my mind, Envy says, "We kinda robbed the pipsqueak during our last encounter. Taking away his means of getting around is pretty damn helpful. He's living off of crackers now—pft."

"So he's in there, right?" I say. "Any particular room? I can just throw something at his window and see what he does—he'll probably dump his peeing can on me…and I hear that piss can be good for the skin. So it's not like I'm NOT up for it."

"…Why do you even talk?" Good question. "And you can just destroy the whole building now if you want to. It's not like it even matters."

"Uh, no—I'm a man of class."

"Which is why you knocked up some random female human."

"You have it all wrong, Miss Skort: 'which is why I knock up random female humans.' It's all about numbers, man." I clear my throat. "ANYway, I'm not going to kill without a cause. I'm here for Edward, so I'll get Edward—not some twisted family who decided to study up on what poverty does to the world. Got it?"

"Fine."

That was sorta his cue to hit the road. But when he just stands where he is, hair gaily swishing in the wind, I yell, "UM. YEAH. LEAVE."

"No can do," he laughs, cracking his knuckles. "That kid beat me up pretty bad last time—I want some payback."

"Payback, eh?"

We look to the side. Because that voice wasn't mine. It was prepubescent and trying to be all manly. And, for your information, it wasn't really being pulled off. But Envy and I could recognize that voice anywhere—and we did. So that little kid walks out of the hotel (he's so small, we didn't even notice he was there like, the whole time), his younger brother towering over him. He has that trademark smirk plastered across his nicely tanned face as he struts over, his freakish arm readied.

"I didn't expect you two to be here," he tells us, still smiling. "If I'm not mistaken, aren't you enemies? Am I too tough that you had to resort to working together to take me down? That's…cute." His voice leaked of venom, but I was glad I wasn't the ONLY one who saw the situation in all its gay glory.

He went on. "I won't forgive you for taking everything we had, Envy! Now, I'll finally put an end to this!"

Then, Fullmetal just glides over, taking Envy to the ground. I kind of laugh to myself, until I felt this massive amount of cold metal push me down. I look up, and YAAAAY (fake excitement, mind you), whatshisfacebrotherdude is making himself useful! I actually hear him apologize to me under his breath as he whips out some martial arts on my face, and my sunglasses break…as well as a part of my nonexistent heart. I screech and grab him, too, turning my arm to its rock state and smashing his chest plate.

He yelps, and I get up, picking up the remains of my kickass shades. I look at them in horror, and, giving the kid on last look, I assure him, "Now, it's personal."

"Worst father award much?" I hear Envy call over. I don't even know how the fight between him and Ed are going, and frankly, I didn't even really care—the worst is a lot brighter without sunglasses. Literally. The damn sun was scorching my eyes.

"FATHER—?!!" Ed shouts. He stops jumping around, and Alphonse (suddenly remembered his name!) gets to his feet. Fullmetal points a finger at me, eyebrow arched. "You have…kids?"

"Is it that hard to believe?" I sigh. "I joined up with Envy and Lust and Gluttony because, being the bitches that they are, they kidnapped my kids and unless I take you and your bro back to your makers, I'm never seeing them again. So I guess I'm not the asshole you thought I was…except not really."

Edward's face falls. If his head wasn't suffering major blunt object trauma, he'd actually look compassionate. But he and Al exchange looks, and they seem to know what they're both thinking, but I sure as hell don't. But Ed opens his mouth again.

"Kids…you say?"

"Yup—shall I spell it out for you? One-night stand. Lots of liquor. Then, poof! Three crazy little midgets at my door! Tragic, isn't it?"

"…We're coming with you."

"Are you serious—?!!" Envy spits (no, really—he spat).

Fullmetal looks sure of himself. Me and Envy kinda stare at him, because, DAMN, what a wimp he's become, letting some really lame story get to him. Even if I didn't capture him, I'd probably just stab all my "comrades" and run away with their hostages. It'd be that simple. But the boy was making the job all the easier, so it wasn't like we'd refuse—we're not THAT retarded.

"It's not like you even want us dead in the first place," Ed points out. "So I might as well go…I don't want anyone else dying because of me. I…don't think I could take that."

Envy seems unfazed. "…O-kaaaaay. Let's go then." That simple.

I give Ed and Al a look, and they give me a look back, and it's like they're expecting a hug or something. As Envy ties their hands back like the good little lapdog he is with rope he probably pulled out of his panties, I just smile at them.

"You whores owe me a new pair of sunglasses."

A/N: IT'S BEEN FOREVER. But I haven't forgotten about you guys. C: I'm moving back to America next month, so I'll try to upload as many new fics as I can (which is why I worked on this chapter in such a hurry). I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Comments are lovely. ♥