wham, bam, thank you, ma'am // chapter six

I'm not gonna hold it against if you get off on my AMAZING escapades. I mean, heh, who DOESN'T? I know I do, and I'M the one telling the story. I should put some sort of caution sign somewhere: "WARNING: KEEP LOTION AND TISSUES HANDY."

But maybe you guys are thinking too much or something. This story requires absolutely no thinking, so if you're doing so, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises—the wank-filled utopia that is, well…THIS place. Whatever it's called. Uh, Hell. With a TWIST (seeing how I, myself, occupy it).

So WHAT'S the point of this little one-on-one talk?

Um, nothing, really.

So, where we were, anyway?

Oh, so Envy and I got Edward and Whatever (that's his name now—Whatever) captured and shit. We're walking back to the town where this whole thing started, and frankly, I'm getting a little pissed off. Fullmetal and Whatever are frantically whispering to each other as if I don't have any freaking ears or something, and Envy is just THERE, which is enough to NOT tickle my fancy.

But, then, Fullmetal gives Envy a hard, scrutinizing look, and grunts, "Where the hell are you taking us?"

"Heh, why does it matter?" Envy answers, grabbing the kid's braid. Gaaaay. "It's not going to mean a thing where you are when Lust, Gluttony, and I torture you to death."

"And just HOW are you going to do that?!!"

"Oh, the usual." Envy smirks, nodding toward the hugeass hunk of metal. "I'm sure your darling brother will have something to do with it, though." He laughs at his own joke. Fullmetal cringes. Whether it was because of the threat or the horrid shriek that is Envy's laugh, I don't know.

I decide to intervene, seeing how I'M the leading man here. "Wait, am I gonna have to do something to the little guy?"

Envy scratches his head. "If you WANT to, I guess." He looks a little disappointed, like my taking part with said torturing would lessen his chances with Ed's body afterwards…which it probably would, because as soon as I'd see a certain bulging of a certain body part in a certain skort, I'd off Envy faster than you can say "INSANE BUTTSEX." I may be a selfish, open-minded bastard, but I don't really enjoy the thought of anyone getting it up the poop-shoot. Sorry.

"WHAT?!" Ed shouts. He sure likes shouting, the annoying bitch. I'm not sure he realizes that Envy is turned on by his rough talk. But it's not like it's MY ass on line, so more power to him. "You're going to…to…HELP them?!" It takes me a second to realize he's talking to me. "When I'm in this situation for the sake of YOU in the FIRST place?!!"

I roll my eyes. "It's not really my problem that you're girly and into kids and stuff. And do me a favor and stop screaming—Envy is getting hard as we speak."

Ed ignored my last comment. "I can't BELIEVE you…Do you even CARE about your kids?"

"Well, SURE, I guess."

"And do you think that Lust and everyone else will just let you have them as soon as we arrive on their doorstep? HUH?!! Is it really THAT simple with you guys?!"

"Heh, probably. As you said, we're classified as 'you guys'—we're pretty much a big, demented family—"

"—FULL OF DECIEVE AND VIOLENCE—"

"—that can mutually trust each other. So keep your pants on—please keep them on, oh, God—and calm down. If it makes you feel a little better, I won't torture you OR your brother. In fact, I didn't even WANT to. So THERE—HAPPY?"

Fullmetal puffs. "Okay…"

I can't help but feel a little put on the spot right now. The midget just goes out and YELLS at me, and dammit, for some odd reason, I feel a little like the bad guy. Well, moreso than usual. Because it IS because of me he's in this situation, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I kinda wanna help him.

So I do.

I don't know WHAT comes over me, but in one swift motion, my arm turns to its rock state, and BAM! It collides with Envy's skull (oh, wait—if I hit Envy's head, it wouldn't sound like a bam but more like a bigass rock hitting a hollow egg of some homosexual chicken; my mistake). Envy hits the ground with a thud, and I smirk. Ed's head (AHAHAHA) looks ready to burst open, and Whatever is sputtering random gibberish. I strike a pose, feeling confused but not really showing it.

"What the—?!?" Ed says. He breaks the rope tying his hands back (to my disbelief), and undoes his brother's. Then, he looks straight up at me. "Look, I'm not even going to ASK—"

"Then don't."

"I wasn't going to!"

"Uh, yeah, I think you were." I sigh impatiently. "So are we gonna jet or what? Envy doesn't stay unconscious for long. Why do you think he's so jacked up? When men try to molest him in his sleep, he wakes up in the damn middle and just takes it!"

"…How 'bout I don't ask questions, and you quit it with the gay jokes?"

"…Deal."

-------------------------------

And NOW, we're back in town…!

No, really.

"Okay…" I mutter, scratching my head. The surroundings are as busy as usual, and we're at the town square. It took about twenty minutes to get there by foot, and let me tell you—AWKKKKWARD. "So should I just leave you here or what?"

"Greed…" Whatever says, tugging at my coat. "Why…why did you do it?"

"Do I even need a reason?"

"Well, YES! I threw your chances of getting your kids back just like THAT!! Are we really worth it…?"

"Uh, no—I don't even know who the hell you are."

"My point exactly! You gave up your kids, who you've known forever"—I laugh a little at this, being my demented self—"for US: Edward and Alphonse Elric, people who are SUPPOSED to be your enemies. I just…don't get it…"

I snicker a little more. I bet they think it's because of my general snarkiness, but it's because of the lame name this kid has. Alphonse. Pfft. His parents might as well have just adopted a rainbow-spouting unicorn and be done with it.

"I'll leave keep it as simple as I can, Ally—I just don't know, okay? You guys seemed helpless and I'm a sucker for damsels in distress. I'll get over losing the kids, alright? I only knew them for like, three days! I've had longer bonding times with hookers!" Literally. "Just take my kindness and run with it, no matter HOW bad it feels. I'll just…I don't know…do what I do best…"

My voice trails off a little. I'm a dick and I know it.

"You're the one who seems helpless," someone finally says. It's Fullmetal. "How about we—meaning you, me, and Al—go get those kids back, eh? And then we'll take your kindness and run with it, as long as you do the same for us."

"…Deal."

If I was a dick before, I'm a pussy now.

A/N: A reviewer pointed out how could Greed have a one-night stand that left him with three kids, at three different ages. I'm sure at least one other person was thinking that. Maybe it was just a mistake by yours truly…

OR MAYBE IT WAS A SUPER, SPECIAL, AWESOME PLOT TWIST NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT ABOUT…!

…Or maybe it was just a mistake by your truly. Dx

So, I apologize! I'll leave it there for future LOLZ (but, dammit, we ALL know Greed has magical sperm!).