Woo! Update!! This was inspired by a conversation with MatsuMama on why Gin leaves...
Enjoy :3
Power is something I am very familiar with.
I'm used to wielding it, to feeling it coursing through my veins, surrounding me in the form of my reiatsu. I am a professional when it comes to intimidation through power—I can make grown, ranked shinigami quiver on the spot with no more than a sideways glance and twisted smile. I can defeat a Vasto Lorde with no more than a single stroke of my sword. I can make the air around a being impossible to move through with the smallest fluctuation in my reiatsu.
Having power held over me, however…is something I am decidedly not used to.
It makes me uncomfortable, forces me on edge, makes my skin bead with sweat…it is also something that doesn't happen often. I would like to say it never happens—but that would be a lie, and I hate lying to you.
You…
The only being to ever hold some semblance of power over me… more power over me than I was comfortable with.
I'm not sure if you knew the extent to which you affected me. It's possible, you are far from ignorant, despite the fact you act it now and then. But there is also the possibility that you had absolutely no idea. My actions might make more sense to you if you had known.
But I've seen your eyes shine with betrayal and regret when you look at me, and I'm willing to bet that you didn't know. Willing to bet that you still don't.
I realized the power that you held over me when we were still young, living in that pathetic hovel in the middle of nowhere. I'd started disappearing now and then, wandering off on my own for a few days before returning back to you. It was the fourth or fifth time I'd decided to leave, rising in the middle of the night simply because I could not force myself to sleep. I cast a glance at your sleeping figure a few feet away, your arms thrown haphazardly around you, your mouth open slightly.
You looked so innocent. And you were, at the time. You were the lone bright spot in my life, the only creature capable of bringing a genuine smile to my face. You still would be, given the right circumstances…circumstances that I am sure will never come into play.
It didn't take me long to figure out that my disappearances bothered and upset you. For some reason I still can't fathom, you liked having me around.
I liked having you around, too…and the fact that you wanted me near you, even when we were young, did strange things to me. It made me feel whole, made me feel needed and wanted.
It made me feel loved.
I'd find myself doing more for you, simply because I wanted to.
You never needed assistance with anything, but more often than not I would go out of my way to help you. I would bring you flowers just to see your eyes light up, surprise you with little gifts for no other reason than to see you smile. Your smile, so clear and beautiful, made my stomach flip.
I liked nothing more than seeing you happy.
And more than anything, I hated seeing you upset. I'd do everything I could to cheer you up when you were sad.
I eventually realized these things, how much your moods and feelings affected me. And soon after that, I realized the control it gave you over me.
The feeling was unfamiliar to me, never before (and I'd like to think never again) had someone had that sort of power over me.
My leaving became no more than a sick game I played with myself. I'd leave and stay away till I could no longer stand to be away from you. I'd come back for myself, to keep myself sane. And for you, to see you smile as I sauntered over the horizon, sometimes with flowers or some other small gift to try and ease the fact that I'd abandoned you once more.
I think you saw through my gifts at that point, as they stopped making you as happy as they used to. The fact that I caused you so much pain ate away at me, and at the same time, made me more determined not to be affected by you. And so I'd keep leaving, and keep coming home.
I kept putting us both through the vicious cycle I had created, running us thin until your eyes no longer lit up when they saw me. We were at the academy by then, both training hard and studying into the late hours of the night. I think you'd started to see through my game, but I don't think you could bear to shut me out of your life completely.
I don't know if I could have handled that. If you had willingly shut me out, it would have destroyed me. But if I eventually brought it on myself, as I was surely doing, I would live with it. I would have to, wouldn't I? I told myself you would be better off in the end without me in your life, but now, I am not so sure…
The look in your eyes, the pure loathing and betrayal in your eyes when I finally turned my back on you for good, the day I ascended into the sky with Aizen, haunts me even now.
So...This is the second to last installment of 'Reminiscence'. I have decided to wrap it up with 15 chapters, and I will be putting a poll on my profile for what you want to see in the last chapter. If you have other suggestions, please PM them to me, or include them in a review!
Which brings me to say... please review!
-Luin