Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!

A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. Thanks for the "details" added to Chapter 3!

Thanks again to my awesome beta RMCC!

Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn.

Chapter 5 – Mother knows best

"What are you all doing in here?" She seemed to be waiting for a response when her attention was suddenly diverted to the movie. Esme's jaw dropped for a second, then clenched tightly as she whipped her head back towards all of us. I cringed at her expression, feeling guilty for getting caught in such a situation even though I had no desire to be in it. And to be caught by my future mother-in-law. Definitely worse then being caught by Edward. At least Alice and Jasper had been distracted enough to notice her arrival. Thankfully I wouldn't have to endure this ridicule alone.

Alice sat up. "We're just watching a movie." She was attempting to play the innocent card. Jasper sat up next to her, a sudden wave of calm sweeping over me. However, it didn't seem to calm Esme very much.

"Bella, whose idea was this?" I didn't want to answer. Rosalie and Emmett continued to be oblivious to the situation as Emmett reached for the hem of Rosalie's shirt in front of all of us.

"Emmett! Rosalie!" Finally Esme got their attention. They broke away and glanced at her. I couldn't tell if they looked confused or annoyed at the interruption.

Esme glared ferociously at Rosalie, then at Alice. "I can't believe you two! You're worse then the boys! At least Edward has had years to become calloused to their constant teasing! But how could you do this to Bella? Especially you, Alice!" Esme had reached the bed and was pointing at Alice, her tone cold and accusing. I was confused – she seemed to be completely ignoring a guilty looking Emmett and Jasper.

Alice hung her head like a whipped puppy. "We were just trying to help," she muttered, staring down at her hands. "We're sorry, Esme." Jasper pulled her into his chest protectively, stroking her back as he pressed his lips to her hair.

"Don't apologize to me! Apologize to your future sister-in-law. Though I wouldn't blame her if now she'll never think of you as her sisters!" Esme's words stung even me. Although I appreciated her defense, I couldn't help but feel bad for the verbal lashing she was bestowing on Rosalie and Alice. I sincerely felt that they weren't trying to be malicious – I was just too easily embarrassed when discussions like these were brought up so casually.

"And don't think you're off the hook completely!" she threatened the boys. This time it was Emmett who was cowering at her rough tone. He buried his face in Rosalie's lap. His sudden cowardness would have been funny if Esme didn't sound so furious. I had to try something to alleviate her fury.

"Esme, please don't be too hard on them. They meant well," I begged. All four quickly turned to stare at me. Alice looked extremely apologetic – I could almost feel the regret coming off of her in waves. Jasper's expression mirrored Alice's. Rosalie on the other hand looked shocked, like she couldn't believe I wasn't ratting them out. Emmett, now no longer suffering from Esme's direct attack, secretly smiled at me. No one could see his face, not even Rosalie. Only Emmett could go from terrified to happy-go-lucky in one second flat.

Esme studied all of us for a second before responding. Jasper had either cranked up the emotional calm-meter or my pleading had worked, because Esme's tone softened considerably. "Bella, you don't need to protect them. I know more of what goes on around here than you think." She gave my future siblings another disapproving look. "Even if you did mean well, you don't need to be quite so…" she paused to find the right words.

"Graphic?" Alice suggested. Rosalie and Jasper attempted to hide their smiles. Emmett snickered loudly.

"Explicit," Esme countered. This time it was my turn to hide the grin that threatened to overtake my face. Alice snuck a peek at me and winked.

"I think Bella's had enough…womanly bonding…for one day," Esme stated. She walked over to the T.V. and shut it off. "And you boys don't need to be intruding – if Edward finds out you were involved in this too, well…" She didn't have to finish. The boys glanced at each other nervously and looked ready to bolt out of the room at any second.

Rosalie looked shocked again. "You mean you've been here the whole time?" she asked Esme.

"Alice isn't the only one with foresight, Rose. Like I said, I know you girls better than you think, and I wasn't about to let poor Bella suffer through all of your guidance." Esme actually smirked at us. Her comment seemed to have given the boys second thoughts about leaving. They turned back to watch my expression as it all sunk in.

I was trying to put two and two together – Esme had been in the house all day? And she was just now coming to my rescue? Why so late? And had she heard everything else that had happened? My face began to flush once again as a different sort of embarrassment set in – apparently Esme had been aware of the premeditated hazing. All that was left at that point was for Carlisle to jump out the closet with a video camera.

"I'm surprised you didn't stop us earlier," Rose muttered under her breath, shooting Alice a knowing look. At least Rosalie seemed as stunned as I was.

"Well, I didn't say that all of your actions were unnecessary." My face turned hotter at her choice of words. "I almost stepped in to watch the lingerie show."

Alice giggled and clapped her hands together in excitement. "We can do it again!" she suggested merrily. I groaned loudly at the thought of another show, this time in front of both Esme and the boys.

Esme walked over to my side of the bed and opened her arms to embrace me. "Judging by Bella's face, I think she's had enough for one day. Maybe after the wedding." She pulled me towards her, patting my head softly as I rested my head on her shoulder. My mind was finally able to process everything she had just said since entering the room, and I was utterly baffled. She was protecting me from further embarrassment, yet she had also allowed the lingerie show, role-playing, and most of the cinematic escapades?

"Just because I think the movie was a bit much doesn't mean I don't think there are other things we can help you out with," Esme whispered in my ear. I was beginning to suspect that Edward wasn't the only one in the Cullen family who could read minds. "But I prefer to provide guidance within your own comfort level. You can talk to me about anything Bella, and I promise those discussions will stay just between the two of us."

Unbelievable – Esme was offering to play tutor in my future sex life too? I thought back to what Alice and Rosalie had said earlier about their mother-figure's relationship with Carlisle. I gulped loudly, trying to force more unwanted mental images of the sexual escapades of three vampire couples from my mind. Soon to be four, I thought unconsciously…..