Part 25

Like every new mother, Blair woke up with the paralyzing terror that some time during the night, she had rolled in her sleep and unwittingly crushed her baby. She opened her eyes with a start. She looked down beside her and saw little Charlie lying on his stomach. She released a sigh of relief. Then, tentatively, she reached out a hand and laid it on his back, allowing her to follow the steady breathing movement of the baby.

She counted to one hundred and Blair knew she would do this every day, like a ritual. People spent time on sillier rituals like brushing one's hair a hundred times before bed. This one seemed so natural to her that she knew it was something she would look forward to every morning.

On some days maybe she would count two hundred breaths.

She did not notice anything amiss at first. After a brief delay, her mind focused on the man sleeping on the opposite side of the bed. The marquis had fallen asleep when he had promised he would watch, and she could not blame him. He had been standing guard since Charlie was born. She had been told by the chambermaid that Lord Charles had even given Charlie his first bath. That he had stayed awake so long was a surprise.

This felt right. With Charlie asleep between them in bed, Blair could almost imagine that they were going to be a family. With the same hand that she used to count the baby's breaths, she reached up to touch the marquis' cheek, then traced a finger down the line of his jaw. Blair brushed her thumb across his lower lip.

The memory visited her like a flash of lighting, and she gasped at its assault. Blair's eyes closed to experience it in full.

His lips opened underneath hers, and they parted. Blair found herself under the onslaught of his mouth, and then his tongue. He tasted like scotch, or what she remembered of scotch when she sipped her father's drink once upon a time. She placed a hand on his chest and pushed away. "Thank you for the experience," she breathed against his lips. "Now if you will excuse me, my lord."

"Enchanté ," he murmured. His nostrils flared. Reluctantly, he helped her onto the phaeton. "Leave me something at least, to remember you by."

When she opened her eyes, his were looking back at her. "You drink scotch."

"It is my poison of choice," he answered smoothly. "Why?"

She gave him a bright smile. "You tasted like scotch the first time we kissed."

He recognized the admission for what it was, and was elated that there were memories to fill in the blanks. Marcus' doctor was correct. She needed time to recover from that horrible night. With the right people, the right environment, her mind would no longer be closed off in fear. She would begin to remember. Chuck returned the smile and sat up, then leaned over the baby to give her a kiss.

Between them, Charlie let out a piercing howl. Chuck pulled away from Blair and winced. "For such a little man, his scream is like bloody glass shattering," he commented, then dropped a kiss on her shoulder. He picked up Charlie and rocked him against his chest.

"Chuck," she pleaded, "please limit yourself to nicer language in front of the child."

"Yes, my lady," he answered with a grin.

When the baby started nuzzling the front of his father's shirt, Blair laughed softly. "As wonderful a father as I am certain you shall be, my love, you cannot provide what your son needs right now." Blair undid the ribbons of her dress and pushed the sleeve and the front down.

Chuck stared in fascination as Blair drew out a heavy breast. With the baby in his hands, he drew closer to her on the bed and placed the screaming baby in his mother's arms. When Charlie started suckling, Chuck placed an arm around Blair's shoulders, then drew her towards him to lean. He pressed his lips on her temple and shut his eyes tightly.

"The doctor is coming here today to check on you. The midwife did a fine job, but I would like the doctor to tell us when you will be well enough to go to London."

She appeared concerned when she looked up at him. "I do not wish to go," she told him. "It is so beautiful here. Charlie was born in this bed." And then she grew teary.

"What is it, my love?"

She sniffled. As if noting his mother's mood, Charlie started crying. "Hush, baby," she said softly into his ear. Blair maneuvered the infant to burp him. She placed him on her shoulder, then patted the back gently. "Stop crying, Charlie," she pleaded. She rocked the baby, then threw an anxious look at Chuck. "He is full. He should not be upset."

Chuck took the screaming baby from Blair. Promptly, crying and having had to chance to burp, the baby threw up the milk. At the sight of the milk, and the tumult of Charlie's unstoppable screaming, Blair covered her face with her hands and sobbed. Chuck took the baby outside.

He returned without Charlie, and it was the first time he had handed the child over to its nanny since it was born. He had sworn he would return for the boy at once. Chuck unbuttoned his soiled shirt and tossed it onto a chair. He shrugged on a new one. Then, he sat beside Blair.

Before he could ask again, she clutched at his shirt and sobbed, "London will take you away. I know it."

He saw a more real terror in her eyes this time. "When we first came home from Italy, you had also been nervous about the city. You were afraid to be left penniless and alone," he told her. "But it would never happen, Blair. Do you know what we did? We went to my father's solicitor and made certain your funds are in your name, never in mine."

And then she asked, "Was I ever so shallow, my lord, to think money was sufficient assurance against losing my husband?"

"There was never a time when I would have left you. The deal we made was merely that—a deal."

"How is it then, my lord, that you have come to lose me?" And to that, he had no answer. Chuck's face shuttered. Blair bit her lower lip. "I am sorry, my lord. You have only been so good to me. I have no right to be like this."

He shook his head. "You were to be afraid of London. We were happy in Tuscany, Blair. But it was not London that ruined us. It was that we fell in love so fast we did not have a chance to trust and be secure with each other." Chuck took her hand. "I think would have been happy if you never learned this. But then again, it would always be afraid that one night, you will remember part of it in your dreams and I would wake up to a wife who doubts me."

"Never," she whispered.

He smiled, half in disbelief. "I had a mistress," he stated simply.

Her lips parted. "While we were married?"

He gave her a half sad lopsided smirk. "We were married but a few hours before you disappeared."

"No," she said confidently. "In my heart I was married from the day I stood with you in Santa Maria del Fiore. That is the wedding I remember. That is when my marriage to you began."

"I would prefer that," he said softly.

"Good. And I never once thought you a virgin the night we met," she claimed playfully.

"Blair, I was hiding a secret from you when we met. As much as I can, I will make sure there would be no threat hanging above us of any secret that can spill and cause you hurt."

"What are you saying?"

"I was always insecure about Nathaniel."

Blair giggled, and Chuck arched his eyebrows. "Why?"

And there was no lingering sadness in her eyes, no trace of confusion, or discomfort. When she had first seen him in Marcus' manor, she had kept glancing back at him as if trying to place him in her blank mind. Even as Beatrice, with no memory of him, he could tell. She knew him. The heavy weight he did not know he still had lifted at the reaction she had.

Chuck smiled. "Let me tell you about this arrogant gentleman from England, who promised his friend Nathaniel that he would take Nate's bride home. Now this gentleman had no care, no plans for marriage, and only had a mind for business, for fun, and for an occasional romp in the sack with his mistress."

Blair leaned against Chuck as she listened. "This will be unfit for a child's ears," she murmured. "I was going to ask them to bring Charlie in. I miss him."

Chuck rose from the bed. "I am Charlie's father. He is bound to learn all this sooner or later. Let him hear it now," he teased. He returned with a sleeping baby, then moved to Blair's side of the bed to lay the child on his stomach, right by Blair's breast. "Let him hear your heartbeat drowning out the story of his father's deceit."

"I was engaged to Nathaniel?" she asked, lightly.

Chuck made his way to the opposite side of the bed and lay next to Blair. "Yes, you were."

"It already sounds complicated," she said.

"Just wait." He dropped a kiss on her nose. "I have not even begun."

~o~o~o~o~o~

Two letters.

That was all it came down to. Serena van der Woodsen looked down at the folded pieces of paper that had been brought into her room. She recognized the handwriting on both. One of those letters likely called the attention of the entire house. She could almost feel the palpable titter throughout the duke's home. Any moment now, the duke and the duchess would come to inquire about the letter that was obviously from the marquis. Ever since the day he stopped denying that his wife was forever lost, the Bass family had watched Lord Charles decline to a barely recognizable figure of a man.

And that other letter. Scrawled so hastily she wondered what Nathaniel was about that he could not be bothered to script neatly. Her hand reached for it, then abruptly change course and she took Chuck's letter instead. If her stepbrother addressed it to her, then it was meant for her. She would judge later if the parents needed to know.

She broke the wax seal that bore the Hartington insignia and knew at once that her stepbrother had gone to the country estate. What she wondered about was why he could not inform anyone beforehand.

My lovely sister,

I wish, foremost, to apologize for any behavior from my part in the last few months that have caused you pain or discomfort or anxiety. I was in a place so dark I could not see my actions for what they were. But I have pushed you away enough to know you have no reason to jump at a favor I would ask.

Yet a man must know how to gamble when warranted, and I would wager that you, as beautiful as you are, would forgive me and grant me this simple request.

I am in need of your presence in the Palace. There is not enough words to convey all that has happened, what I need and why. Suffice to say, Serena—it's Blair.

If you can come, I will be in your debt forever.

Your brother,

Chuck

Serena released a breath as she folded the letter and placed it on her vanity dresser. She sat on the edge of the bed, looked out the window and sighed. She had hoped, for so long, and even prayed when she could, that Chuck would one day wake up from his perpetual inebriation and he would see the world outside the way Serena saw it.

It was a life too wonderful to waste on grief.

Yet two words on that letter stood out, and she knew her prayers were unanswered. An abrupt absence and months without any communication to his entire family and it all ended with two words. It's Blair. She took a deep breath. How does one purge a dead woman from a loved one's head?

Her gaze fell upon the other taunting letter, then read through it. "Splendid," she muttered.

Miss van der Woodsen,

It is with unending shame that I must break off my engagement with you. I have come to the conclusion that a man must take the path that makes him happiest. And I do so today.

I shall endeavor to clear this mess and claim all fault for this myself.

Yours,

Nathaniel Archibald

She set the letter aside and, despite noting that whatever explanation Nathaniel came up with she would be the one to bear the brunt of the scandal for having been left by her fiancé, focused on the letter that would send the duke and duchess in a frenzy of motion. As expected, she heard the knock on the door and turned.

"Come in."

The door swung open and in walked Lilly, dressed in a plain rose daydress, holding a matching handkerchief in her hand. "My dear, I hear that you have received a note from Lord Charles."

Serena looked at her mother sideways. "I did."

Lilly smiled and waited patiently. When Serena did not expound, Lilly placed a hand on her daughter's need. "How is he?"

"He asks for my presence in the country," Serena admitted. "And I will go, if only to shake sense into him. For God's sake, he acts as if he is unwilling to rise from this."

Lilly leaned her head to the side, confused at her daughter's response. The passion, the reaction, seemed too much for what little she could glean. She saw the letter on the vanity. "May I?"

Serena looked at where Lilly gestured. "That is not from Chuck. This is a note from Lord Nathaniel breaking off our engagement."

Lilly gasped. "Oh my dear I am so sorry." She squeezed her daughter's knee. "Is that where all this anger is coming from?"

Serena's pitch rose as she denied it. "Absolutely not! It is but an inconvenience, what Nathaniel has done. I have never sought to marry him."

"Then what is it, darling?"

But she refused to let her mother know. She was Serena van der Woodsen. It was true. She did not have a title, but the London ton adored her. Old crones like Lady Castlemaigne kept her eyes open for prospects for Serena. She had more fortune than half the other debutantes. With her hair down, clothed in the best that the duke could afford, she was proclaimed an Original.

Out of luck secretaries deciding to stop an illicit affair with her… It was too ridiculous of a notion to be affected by it.

Serena huffed. "I do not understand why it is taking so long for my brother to live his life again."

The duchess' forehead creased. She pulled Serena to her arms and kissed her hair. She had not done it for so long that Serena stiffened in her arms, then burrowed deeper only after a few seconds. "Do you know how long I grieved for your father?" Serena shook her head. "I cried in bed for a year. And for five years after that, I still found myself waking up and imagining that he was lying in bed next to me." Serena pulled away from the embrace and watched as Lilly's eyes filled with tears. "I cannot tell you how it felt in that split second when I remember why the bed was empty."

"Mother, you and father were together for years," Serena emphasized. "Chuck and Blair were not even together for a year."

The duchess gave her daughter a sad smile, then cupped her cheek. "Do you believe that grief is measurable in days or even years?" Lilly asked. Without waiting for a response, she asked another question in an even softer voice, "Do you believe love is?" Serena frowned at her mother. "Darling, you are so so young. I do not ever wish mine or Charles' pain on you. Ever. But I fear without experiencing it, you will never comprehend what I mean."

Lilly stood, then declared, "The duke and I will be coming with you to the country. It is well and good that he wishes you to come. But your stepbrother needs to be surrounded by people who know what he feels."

"The duke?" Serena repeated uncertainly.

"There was another duchess before me, Serena," Lilly reminded her daughter. "He may well understand Charles more than even I."

And when Lilly turned her back to leave the room, Serena blurted. "I have hurt, mother."

Lilly turned her head, then assessed her daughter, then nodded. "It only means you are well on your way to experiencing love, Serena."

~o~o~o~o~o~

"London is a series of bad memories," he said. She lay with her head pillowed on his arm, with their son sleeping on her breast. Blair yawned. "But let us reserve that for another time."

"Why am I sleepy?" she complained. "We have only just woken up."

"Your body is healing from childbirth," he told her. "Do not rush yourself."

She nodded, then buried her face in his chest. "Pity that I have your arm caught underneath me," Blair whispered. "You will be forced to nap with me. And then we need to wake up for lunch."

Any other woman and he would have rolled off the bed and be about. But he was lying with his wife and their son, and there was no other place worth trading this with. "I have sent for a friend of yours. She will help you remember your fonder memories of London," he told her, thinking of the fast friendship Serena had shared with Blair. London had not been his best moment. He had left her mostly to her own devices as he tried to get back to the rhythm of his life before Blair.

Blair smiled, wondering what the friend would look like and who it would be. No happy memories with him in London? How could that have been possible?

She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

"I believe the lady wishes to give you the news herself."

Chuck turned to his fiancé and held his breath. And it was then that she gave him her brilliant smile. She cupped his face, then pulled him down for a kiss. And then, she breathed against his lips, "We are with child, my lord."

The worry vanished from his eyes, and it was as if a wave of light washed over him. He cleared his throat and smiled. "My God," he murmured. "A child?" he said in wonder. His eyes fell to her belly covered by the blanket. He placed a tentative hand on it and drew a deep breath.

He looked up at her and saw her smiling down at him with tears in her eyes. Chuck leaned down and placed a kiss right above her womb, where even then their child slept. Her fingers buried in his hair. "Have I made you happy, my love?" she asked softly. "Tell me I have and all the sickness will be worth it."

He moved over to sit by her, and then kissed her lips. "All the happiest moments of my life you have given me, Blair. I do not remember any time before you."

Chuck watched as she smiled in her sleep, and hoped that she could at least find fonder memories of him. Because it was still too soon for him to sleep, and he was unwilling to leave the bed, Chuck found himself staring at Charlie's small back rise and fall. Chuck's lips curved.

One breath.

Two breaths.

Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven…

Three hundred forty eight. Forty nine…

The next thing he knew, he was waking up to the sensation of a kiss. Chuck opened his eyes and saw his wife leaning over his sleeping form, her dark hair falling on either side of her face. "Wake up, sleepyhead," she said softly. "It's lunchtime."

He smiled back, then yawned. "Where's Charlie?" For the life of him, he had never once thought the day would come when his first waking words were about an infant.

Blair moved her head towards the side of the bed in a gesture towards the baby. Chuck turned his head to find the child still asleep on the bed. "Come, papa," she enjoined, and Chuck's heart warmed at the term. That was what his son would call him. "Have lunch with maman before Charlie wakes to demand his lunch."

~o~o~o~o~o~

Serena donned a dark cloak and then made her way towards the waiting Bass carriage. Behind her she heard the door open once more, and knew it was the duke and duchess. When Lilly informed Bartholomew of Lord Charles' request to have Serena come to Hartington, he had, as Lilly expected, at once decided that he would come along.

She stopped in her tracks when she saw Daniel Humphrey leaning against the vehicle. His crutches were placed beside him. Serena turned around and glanced at her mother. Lilly nodded at her.

"Mr Humphrey!" Bartholomew greeted. "You have business with my daughter?"

"It is a personal matter, your grace," Daniel answered.

Serena walked towards Daniel. In the corner of her eye she noted that Lilly had encouraged the duke to get into the carriage with her. Idly, she heard, "Why would Daniel Humphrey have matters to discuss with Serena?"

"What are you doing here?" Serena demanded.

Daniel sighed, then picked up his crutches and hobbled towards the steps, so they could be some distance from where her parents were. "I heard rumors of a blonde lord carrying off a pub waitress to Gretna Green."

Serena straightened. She had suspected there was a reason behind Nathaniel's sudden decision. He had already once claimed he would chase Blair Waldorf, but never officially broke off his engagement with Serena. This was the first time he had enough courage to put his decision in writing. "How would you know about that?"

"I was at the pub when the driver of the hackney Nathaniel hired stumbled in for a drink and his loud chatter." He looked down at the ground. "I knew I had to find you. I have to know you are fine."

Serena gave a grim smile. "Of all the people in the world, you should know how much Nathaniel's decision would not hurt me." She glanced up towards her mother. "Is this all?" He did not answer, but gave her a longing look. He reached for her hand. "I do have to leave, Daniel." She pulled her hand away and walked towards the carriage.

As she was about to get in, he called out, "Serena, wait"

Serena looked back at him sadly."Some things are more important than waiting for you, Daniel."

tbc