DISCLAIMER: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer
All lyrics belong to Breaking Benjamin - "Until the End"

CHAPTER 4: I LIVE TO DIE ANOTHER DAY

BPOV

It felt like my brain was caving in.

All the walls I had spent so long building up felt like they were quaking in some tremendous storm. Every time I saw him, a block was being tossed aside, and I was feeling more vulnerable than ever. Every time I turned around, those green eyes were glowing at me, pulling away my defenses and leaving me breathless.

And terrified.

I didn't know what it was. It swept through my like some tide and pulled me out into the abyss, dragging me along with it whether I wanted it to or not. I had no choice—I was being pulled along like a rag doll, worn and broken, into something unknown, where I knew nothing.

And its source was Edward.

I couldn't control it, and that scared the hell out of me. Whenever I saw him, my heart would thrum, beating a little faster than normal pace. I confused myself with thoughts of whether I wanted him to speak to me or not. I tried, despite my best efforts, to get his attention.

And then, when I got it, I was a bitch.

We went round and round for months. I was pleased to say that we could carry on conversations about fungi and anatomic structures like it was a walk in the park. We could figure out what cellular phases certain samples of whitefish blastula were in. We could even compare and contrast archibacteria and eubacteria. But we could not carry on a normal conversation.

He liked to bring up my truck, which was getting worse and worse. It coughed at least four times before I could get it to start, and the radio reception was horrible. I, of course, often got pissed off when he jibbed my truck, and I would fire something back, like he smelled like cigarette smoke or was shaped like a log. All of these responses evoked laughs from him, which was definitely not the desired affect.

Our relationship took a turn around Christmas time. I had finally gotten around to liking Angela and Jessica, and Mike didn't get on my nerves nearly as much. Alice and I spent almost every waking second together, though I never agreed to let her make me over again—the last time was a disaster. And, for some strange reason, Edward and I hadn't fought in two days.

I sat down next to him in Biology, sweeping my hair over my shoulder. I turned to look at him at almost the same time he turned to look at me. Our eyes met, and for a fraction of a second, I thought I saw a spark behind the swirling green gates of his eyes. A small smile lifted the corners of his lips, and in return I felt myself smile a tad. Mr. Banner flicked the lights.

It was video day. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I didn't mind the video today. The pull I had been feeling toward Edward had been growing stronger and stronger, and at least if I had something to occupy my attention, then I wouldn't run the risk of doing something rash. I could pay attention to the video and the video only.

I was sadly mistaken.

As soon as the video began to play, the tune of the droning classical music in the background wavering slightly in age, I found myself easily distracted. Edward's fingers were clenching the tabletop as he pushed his legs forward, arching his back in a stretch. His scent hit me like a wave, and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying desperately to both retain the scent in my memory and block it from my head altogether.

The electricity coursing through the air was almost palpable. I had to resist the urge to reach over and touch him, a compelling desire that completely took me off guard. I clenched the bottom of my seat, ignoring the tingling at the lack of blood in my hands and remained still trying, extremely hard to ignore the need running through my veins like fire.

I must have made some sort of sound, because Edward leaned over and whispered, "Bella, are you alright?"

I nodded and looked away from him. His next motion however caught me completely off guard.

I felt his fingers lightly brush against my thigh. I flinched away from him, staring at him in confusion, agony, fear and another overwhelming feeling that had my heart hammering and a pulse ticking in my abdomen. I felt a rush of something wet, and felt a blush stain my cheeks as I felt my underwear grow damp. From a mere touch of his fingertips on your thigh? Come on, Bella, get a grip.

Another wave of emotions swept through my body, stronger than the first. Nausea. Pain. Anxiety. Fear.

Oh God.

It was a flashback like no other. I felt every emotion, smelt every smell, heard every cry and moan, tasted the blood on the back of my tongue. In a sea of sweat and salt and blood and tears, I saw his face flood into my head. Heard his voice whispering my name in ecstasy. Felt his hands on my bruised skin.

Bella, he kept whispering. Bella. Mocking, teasing.

Bella! Pleasure.

"Bella!"

I blinked. My hands were wrapped tightly around my stomach. The lights were on, the movie stopped. All the other students were crowded around their lab tables, anxiously awaiting the bell. I felt sick. I turned to see Edward's worried face hovering over me. "Bella, what is it?"

"I think I'm going to be sick," I whispered, clenching myself tighter.

His jaw clenched and unclenched, his face taut with concern. He nodded. "Okay," his agreed, and with a dominant authority I had never seen, he pulled me from the table, wrapping an arm around my waist and hoisting me out of my chair. He had carried me to the door and kicked it open with his foot before turning to an astonished Mr. Banner. "She's going to pass out," he said. "I'm taking her to the nurse."

I heard Mike begin to protest, blubbering as usual, and I had to squeeze my lips shut to stop the flow of vomit. "Shut it, Newton," Edward said, before catapulting me through the door. Normally, I would have insisted that he let me go, but my knees were beginning to buckle. I willed myself not to puke like a kindergartener in the hallway, and I silently urged him to hurry. I let him hold me up as he hurtled me through the building. Finally, I couldn't take it. Breaking away from him, I pushed myself to the nearest trashcan and emptied the contents of my stomach.

The weird thing was, that through all of this, Edward was there. He held my hair behind my head, rubbing my back comfortingly as I continued to dry heave.

Finally, it was over. I felt my stomach settle, and my vision seemed to clear. I slowly opened my eyes and stood up straight, turning to face him. His brow was furrowed and his eyes held a touch of sadness in them. An urge I didn't recognize washed through my body, and I wanted to reach up and erase the lines in his face. My fingers twitched, but I held them firmly at my sides, rigidly not moving.

It was as if Edward could read my mind. He reached to my face, his fingertips lightly stroking my cheekbone. Back and forth, once, twice, three times. Fire was burning in my pores, and when he pulled away, I shivered. I looked at him, ignoring the feeling of nausea boiling in my stomach again.

One moment I was looking at him, the next everything was black. I felt his arms wrap around me, and instead of calling to me, he whispered in my ear. "Bella? Bella? Bella, wake up. Come on, Bella, I know it feels weird. Just open your eyes. Slowly, love."

My brain skipped over that word. I purposefully didn't hear him.

I felt like I was being lowered to the ground. Something was pressing against my palm. My brow furrowed, and in seconds I opened my eyes. It was blurry for a few seconds, and then his beautiful face came into view. I groaned. There was no way he should have seen me like this. I felt like I was going to die.

EPOV

She needed to open her eyes. She was just in a minor fainting spell, one that came sometimes after throwing up. I pressed my fingers into her palm, hoping that it would cause her to open her eyes.

But for a moment, I didn't want her to. She looked so beautiful when all the lines were erased from her face. She looked completely peaceful, and in that peaceful state of mind, she was absolutely breathtaking. My eyes couldn't get enough of her, and suddenly my perfectly innocent thoughts turned dirty. I envisioned slowly peeling her clothes from her body and running my tongue along her sweaty skin. To hold her hair in my hands and listen to her moan…

My erection became apparent as it tried to throb its way out of my pants. I seemed to come to grips that there was a half-conscious girl laying in front of me, and I continued to press my fingers into her palm. Slowly, her brown eyes opened, and she looked at me, without scowling or frowning.

If I thought that she was beautiful with her eyes closed, then I was a blind man.

I thought she was going to say something, but she groaned. My heart froze. Did she want Mike Newton to be her knight in shining armor, there to kiss her awake instead or apply pressure to a nerve ending? I mentally kicked myself. Okay, Dumbshit you should have thought of that.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

She shook her head slowly. "My head's spinning."

"Put your head between your legs." Or I could do it for you.

She leaned forward, squeezing her temples between her knees. I debated trying to rub her back again—would she think I was creepy?

Probably.

She picked he head up, and for one of the few many times smiled at me. It made me want to jump up and down. Do it again, pretty lady, my mind screamed.

"Thank you," she whispered, her voice cracking.

"For what?"

"Being here instead of Mike Newton." She grinned again.

You have got to be shitting me. "I thought you guys were like bed buddies or something."

She glared.

I chuckled. "So I take that as a no?"

"That's a hell no," she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

I held out my hand to help her up, and was surprised at two things—one, she actually took my hand, and two, they were oh so goddamn soft. I wanted her to run them along my face and chest and… okay, stop. I stood and helped her up, starting to wrap my arm around her waist again.

"I think I got it," she whispered.

Of course she does you asshole.

"Right," I murmured. "Sorry."

Her voice was almost imperceptible. It was only minutes later when I actually realized what she had said. Her voice as whisper light, and so soft that I could barely hear her. But I picked it up, and felt my heart begin to drum.

"Please don't be."

She stood up and I let go of her, turning and beginning to walk. When I realized that she wasn't following, I turned. She was leaning against the wall, clutching her stomach. I wrapped my arm around her waist again. "Maybe I need to have Carlisle take a look at you."

"You father?" she asked.

I nodded. I didn't care how she knew who my father was. She wasn't asking me to let her go.

I basically held her against me as I led her to the main office. "Ms. Cope?" I asked, leaning across the desk.

The secretary looked up at me with wide eyes. "Yes, Mr. Cullen?"

"May I have permission to take Bella home?" I asked. "She's not feeling very well, and I'm afraid that she won't be able to make it through the school day. Plus, she doesn't have a ride home what with her father being the Police Chief and all, so I'm just doing him a favor."

"S-sure, I think that will be just fine. Thank you, Edward."

I smiled as I signed her out on the clipboard, and before I hurried her out the door so as not to be detained by anyone.

We slowly moved through the clear, cool air into the parking lot. She shivered, and on instinct I wrapped my arms tighter around her, rubbing my hands up and down her back. I unlocked my car and gently pushed her into the passenger seat.

I was in the car faster than I had ever been before. I turned it on, immediately turning the heat up and adjusting the volume on the radio. I sped out of the parking lot.

The ride to my house was silent. I wasn't sure why she was so quite, but in a way I was a little grateful for two reasons. One, if she spoke I was sure I would pull the car over and fuck her in two seconds, and two, I needed to think. My family was probably at home today—I was the only one of my siblings besides Alice who showed up to school regardless of whether there was an exam or assignment due. I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to introduce her, being a girl I was bringing home; the last time she had been over, everyone had been out and it had just been Alice, Bella and I.

I wasn't thinking about this as an issue when we needed a doctor—I was treating it as if she was my girlfriend.

Alice would be ecstatic, of course. Emmett would probably make eyes at Bella if Rose wasn't in the room, and Esme would be so happy. Carlisle would smile and Jasper would be polite of course and stick with Alice, though probably get a little antisocial. Rose would be egotistical and think that Bella was a threat to her beauty—which Bella was—and would be a bitch. But that wouldn't be a problem.

The only real problem was that Bella wasn't my girlfriend.

When we arrived at my house, I watched as Bella's eyes widened. I had only brought Tanya back to my house, and she wasn't surprised in the least at my house's grandeur. I was dazed when Bella stared at it, wide-eyed.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, shifting my legs so that my dick was shoved under the steering wheel, masking my erection.

"You live here?" she asked.

I chuckled. "Yes, I do. Is there a problem?"

"It's just so…big."

That's not the only thing of mine that's big.

I laughed. "Yeah, well, Carlisle has been successful."

"I can tell."

I opened my door, successfully putting and end to the conversation. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the craving in my groin to be inside of her and feeling her moist walls clamping around me. And I was pretty sure that if it were denied for very long, I was going to do something I would probably regret for a long time.

She followed me up onto the porch. I paused in front of the door, sighing dramatically. "Please, Bella, be prepared. My family may automatically jump to the conclusion that there is more in this than there actually is. You may get some innuendo from Emmett or get eyed up or something, just please don't feel uncomfortable." Way to go killing the horse dead, jackass.

She actually looked disappointed. Her eyes dulled just a little and the corners of her mouth turned down. I didn't press it, but my insides were melting. My heart was beating a little quicker than usual and the craving for a cigarette was back. I wiped my palms on my jeans and pushed open the front door.

The scene that confronted us was of the norm. Emmett and Jasper were playing on the Xbox, Esme's cooking could be smelled from the kitchen—she loved to play housewife; starting dinner early, making pies and cleaning until everything sparkled—and Alice's open magazine lay on the couch.

"Hey douche bag," Emmett called from the couch, not looking up from the screen.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, you watch you mouth," Esme called. "And if I come out there and find your feet on my table that will be your ass."

I heard Bella chuckle behind me. I, however, was rolling my eyes. It was so typical of them to act this way, not even paying attention to the fact that I may not have come home alone.

"That'll be the day," Emmett muttered from his seat.

"Watch me," Esme called.

Jasper snickered and turned to look at us. "Oh, hey Edward. Who's that?"

Emmett turned. "Oh. That's Charlie's daughter. The one we went to the party for. Hey Bella."

This confused me. Emmett knew Bella?

Esme walked in from the kitchen, drying her hands on a dishtowel. She walked up to me, kissed my on the cheek and stepped up to Bella. I held my breath.

"You must be Isabella Swan."

I turned to watch the scene unfold, and was completely surprised. Bella's face seemed to melt, a warm smile lighting up her face as she leaned forward to meet Esme's hug. "It is nice to meet you, Mrs. Cullen. Edward and Alice have told me so much about you. You have a lovely home."

She hit it spot on. Esme smiled, her eyes dancing in approval. Score.

"Thank you, dear. You are welcome to anything you see here. By the way, you like to be called Bella, am I right?"

"Yes ma'am."

Esme turned to me. "Why, Edward, I may just think she has better manners than you."

"You have no idea," I said, looking at Bella and smiling. She grinned back.

We stood for a few minutes, grinning like idiots. Finally, Esme turned to me. "Don't stand around like a fool. Show the girls around." I rolled my eyes and nodded. Grabbing Bella's hand—without thinking—I led her up the stairs. "Obviously," I said, "This is the second floor." I walked through the hallways, pointing at various doors. "Here we have Emmett's room, Alice's, my parent's, a bathroom, my father's office and study, the library and a lounge."

I led her up the second set of stairs. She was lagging behind me, looking at all the pictures on the wall. I had to wait for her, and whenever she caught up she would blush. If she didn't quit it, something was going to happen to her. Very soon. And that something would be in the form of Edward Cullen.

We arrived in front of my room. "Do you want to see my room?" I asked, suddenly nervous.

She nodded.

I pushed open the door and led her in, plopping my ass on the bed. "You can look around," I said. "I need to do something really quickly."

She turned to look at my bookshelf, and while she did, I stashed the packs of cigarettes and condoms. If she saw those she would probably have a heart attack, and I would probably have to actually take her to see Carlisle, which I really didn't want to do yet.

"Wuthering Heights?" she asked.

I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. I actually detested the book, but read it out of lack of something else to read. "Freshman assignment."

Her shoulders slumped as she put the book back on the shelf. "Do you like it?" I asked.

"It's my favorite." Nice job, fuck face.

She moved around the room, taking in things from my guitar to pictures on the wall to posters and more books and my DVD collection. She laughed at a few, puckered her cute lips at a few, and frowned at a few. When she came to the pile of blank CD's, she turned to me.

"What are these for?"

I shrugged. "Recording things."

"Like music?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Emmett and Jasper and I and a couple of other kids have a little band and when we can actually crank out a good song instead of the shit we're used to, we try to record it so that we don't forget it."

She smiled and put it back down on the table.

She was on her way to my CD rack when she tripped. I vaulted out of the bed and barely managed to catch her—I grabbed her shirt collar and yanked her into my arms—before she hit her head. She turned to look at me, her cheeks pink, her bright doe eyes wide. I looked down at her, suddenly drawn to her by some invisible force.

I couldn't keep my eyes away from her lips. I wanted to kiss her. I couldn't think of how to explain it, but I couldn't look away, and was being pulled to her like a magnet. My head lowered, coming close to hers.

She pulled away.

BPOV

He led me down the staircase, walking slightly in front of me. We had come too close. If he had kissed me, I would have been swept under and never been able to fight my way to the surface.

He pulled me into the living room, where Emmett was sitting in an armchair, his legs thrown haphazardly over the arm, a black plastic guitar cradled in his lap as he moved his pale fingers slowly and carefully over the green, red, yellow, blue and orange buttons.

A blond haired boy was sitting in the chair opposite him. His hair was longish, but not unattractively so, and he held his guitar in a more conventional position, his fingers moving quicker but no less articulately across the same buttons. "Hey, Edward," he said, looking over at us from the TV. "Hello Bella."

"Jasper," Emmett barked without looking up. "Pay the fuck attention to the game before I beat your pasty ass."

Jasper smiled, rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the rather large, flat-screen TV. I noticed that Jaspers fingers were moving faster, but they both remained neck and neck, battling for the lead through the better-most part of the game. I watched every move they made, mesmerized by the grace and agility of their fingers.

My reverie was interrupted with the sound of crunching plastic. "Every time!" Emmett roared as he smashed the guitar against the floor. "Every goddamn time!" Jasper was holding his stomach, squirming around his seat he was laughing so hard. I looked at the pathetically broken guitar. Edward stiffened. "Emmett!" he growled. "That's the third guitar this month!"

"Too damn bad," Emmett said, standing up to stretch. His shirt pulled up, revealing a very tone pack of abdominals and muscular arms. He belched. "I want some grub." He pointed to me. "You want anything?"

I shook my head and Jasper laughed. "Emmett," he said. "You've got the poor girl scared for her life."

"Aw," he said, coming toward me. "I'm sorry." And then he lifted me from the couch and wrapped me in a deathly tight hug. I felt the air sputter from my lungs and squirmed to be let go from his grip. I couldn't breathe, and suddenly his voice was thrumming through my head. "Put me down," I cried meekly. He mercifully let me go and plopped me next to Edward. I folded my arms around my chest, feeling a panic overwhelm me. I didn't want it. Go away, go away, go away, I said to myself, slowly rocking back and forth. Not here, not now...

"Bella?" Someone asked.

No, no, no, no, no...

"Bella? You wanna play?" Jasper was looking at me with a quizzical expression on his face. I nodded and struggled to stand up from the couch to grab his guitar. "I'll use the controller," he said, pulling it out from a cabinet under the table. I scrolled through the menus, concentrating only on the TV. I finally set the game on Expert and picked the song, pulling the strap over my shoulder. I stood in the very farthest corner of the room, away from everyone. Jasper smiled as the song started up.

"Excellent," he hissed, rubbing his hands together maniacally. I suppressed a shiver and concentrated on the glowing buttons on the screen.

I could feel Edward's eyes on my through the whole game, and that calmed me. My stomach settled and due to my concentration on the game, I was able to forget about the flashback. I didn't hear his voice in my head, didn't feel anything at all.

I was surprised to see that I won. Jasper, Emmett and Edward looked at me with strange facial expressions—Emmett in horror, Jasper in fascination and respect, and Edward… I could never make out his expressions. I just shrugged and placed the guitar down. "May I use the bathroom?"

Edward stood. "I think I can find it," I said, holding a hand in front of my face.

"Are you sure? Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I'm fine." My voice cracked.

I turned on my heel and began walking. "Wrong way, Bella," Emmett said. I turned to find him immersed in the game again. He held up a hand and pointed. "That way."

I flushed but followed his pointed finger, walking down the hall until I came to the bathroom. Closing the door, I leaned against it, placing my forehead on my knees and concentrating on taking deep breaths. It was cruel that I was having it now. In the time that I was actually enjoying myself.

I must have been in the bathroom for a while, because there was a soft knock, followed by Edward's voice. "Bella?"

I stood up and checked my reflection in the mirror. Turning, I opened the door.

He was so beautiful. I would never get used to him. His hair hung perfectly across his forehead, his crystal eyes sparkling. His pale, lean body was just perfect, and I was suddenly envisioning myself wrapped around him. Maybe I would be moaning. Or maybe he would. Or, maybe…

No, no, stop. Stop it.

"Thought you were hiding," he murmured.

I shook my head. "No," I said. "Just feeling a little sick, that's all."

"Still?"

I nodded.

"Well I guess dinner then is out of the question."

"Dinner?" I asked.

"Esme wants you to stay for dinner. You don't have to, if you don't want, ori f you're still feeling sick—"

"No," I said, cutting him off. "I would like that."

I would like that far, far too much.

AUTHORS NOTE: I know you all want to know what happens at the Cullen's house, but let me just say that nothing happens. I hate cutting it off like that, but its still too soon in the story. More and more will be revealed as more is written, though, I promise. Hang with me.